My Fanfiction: A Tale of Two Fizzies Trilogy. Part 1. The Fire. Chap 4: Campfire Tales continued (Critique wanted before posting to Fimfic. G1/Crossover adventure fic - long)

[abronymouse 6,154]

Spoiler

Whew! Longest chap yet - it's 10K+ this time and it was meant to be only half of a story told by characters  pretty crazy right.

At that length I bet it needs quite a bit of work, but I was so excited to post it. Sorry if there are errors  

@flutterJackdash and @Peace Petal thank you so much for your comments before, I would love to hear what you think of this :3

That's the intro to the trilogy written! Characters and concepts all introduced now, hopefully. Next chapters will all be about the main story  

First chapter

Second chapter

Previous chapter (note, this chapter is a two-parter. For the full story, please read the previous chapter.)

Previously, the ponies of Ponyland had set up camp in a luscious forest clearing. After the baby ponies were put to bed and the adults had dined, the campers told pony tales around the campfire. After a few false starts from the shier ponies, Whizzer began the tale-telling with an ambitious effort, and Posey delighted everyone with a high drama that was based on the personalities of the plants, and weeds, in her garden. The next story, which is still going, was proffered by Paradise, the herd's premier storyteller, and Masquerade, its foremost playwright, working together to deliver a high fantasy epic about dragons, friendship, exile and betrayal, in which much of the herd are participating as either actors or assistants. Due to the length of their story-play, the latter duo called an interlude to refresh the audience's eyes and ears as well as allow themselves to indulge in some well-earned toffee apples, courtesy of Megan. 

---

 

In a quiet part of the log-circle, Magic Star addresses her friends over the babble of similar conversations around the fire, commenting and speculating about the story.

“Mousefur was so brave to stand by her companion when the bad king condemned her,” the soft yellow pony observes, “but she can’t go against her king any more than poor Vista can.”

Ribbon, Posey and Twilight, who are sitting near to Magic Star, nod sadly in response.

“Maybe he will change his mind about exiling Vista Star when he sees how upset she is?” she continues, hopefully.

---

Across the fire from the latter group, squeals of mirth can be heard from a collection of silly ponies.

“Those Bobs were hilarious!” giggles Surprise.

“No they’re not,” returns Fizzy, mimicking a disagreeable ‘Bob’.

“Oh, yes they are!” Applejack joins in.

“They so are!” Sundance agrees – breaking the sequence.

“Nuh uh!” Surprise adds. “I mean—“ she hesitates, then snorts, having realised that Sundance had wrong-hoofed her.

The entire group dissolves once again into horsey laughter.

---

Next to these latter, and drawing the occasional concerned look from Megan, two pink and turquoise pegasi are in the middle of a heated argument about the story-play, fiery eyes glaring at one another.

“Dragons aren’t scary, the ponies in that kingdom are just cowards,” Firefly leans in to Medley, her pink nostrils flaring.

“That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard!” the turquoise pegasus strikes back, head held high. “Well, at least since I heard a silly pony sploosh into a plunge pool earlier this morning, but really it would be hard to sound sillier than that.”

As she says this, the latter smirks and meets the intense purple orbs of her temporary foe with the cool power of her own blues.

Firefly is about to respond, when another pegasi, North Star, who is sitting between the warring parties, pipes up, “I think if I were a dragon, all lonely in a cave, I’d probably want to take all the interesting things from every other creature. It’d cheer me up no end to read all their books and admire their sculptures.”  

The statement is met by silence, as the combatants on either side are briefly lost for words.

Medley is the first to recover. “You should be called Dragon Star!” she sniggers.

“The only dragon who’s afraid of fire!“ Firefly adds, referring to North Star’s reluctance to become embroiled in the melee of fire-fighting earlier.

However, North Star doesn't respond. Her eyes have glazed over as she day-dreams about Paradise's story.

With a chuckle at the whimsical nature of their dreamy friend, Firefly and Medley return to their bickering.

---

Adding to the fireside chatter, the human Danny, mug of root-beer in hand, is declaiming enthusiastically to his friends: Galaxy, Gusty and Cherries Jubilee. 

“But couldn’t Vista Star simply wink out of the manacles?” Danny challenges, gesturing towards the horns of Gusty and Galaxy.

"Good point," says Gusty.

As she says this, her horn sparkles and she disappears and reappears in place. Referred to as ‘winking out,’ most of the grown unicorns of the herd have the ability.

The storyteller Paradise, who is munching on her toffee apple, listens to the conversation with trepidation, watched by her companion, the playwright Masquerade.

“But isn't it impossible to wink through solid objects?” Cherries Jubilee offers.

“That’s true, but—” Galaxy begins, only for Danny to jump in.

“I know that unicorns can’t wink through things, like a net, but Vista Star wasn’t trapped like that.” 

“Her fetlocks were manacled though, and unicorns are unable to escape when they are tied up,” Cherries Jubilee responds, practically.

Galaxy furrows her brow, thoughtfully. “Yes, that’s right.” 

Danny thinks for a second, stroking his freckled chin and narrowing his eyes, the way that crafty humans do when they puzzle through things.

After a moment, the boy snaps his fingers. “Galaxy, have you got two spare guy-ropes? I have an idea."

Galaxy sighs and takes the requested items from her saddlebag, which she gives to the human.

Danny turns to Gusty, holding out a rope.

When she realises what he means to do, she snorts and shakes her head. "I ain't being tied up."  

“Galaxy?" Danny asks hopefully. 

The red unicorn nods reluctantly, with a little pout to Megan.

"Now hold out your hoof,” Danny requests, in response to which Galaxy holds up a curled foreleg. 

“Your hind hoof, Galaxy,” he clarifies.

When the unicorn hesitates, he adds by way of explanation, “Vista Star’s hind-legs were manacled.”

Galaxy sighs and turns around, reluctantly. As she feels his hand on her hind-leg she startles, prompting the human to back off.

“Easy, girl,” Danny says, instinctually treating the unicorn as he would the ponies back on the farm at home.

Galaxy steadies herself, overriding her horsey desire to kick, and she raises her hind-leg, which Danny takes and places on his lap. His practiced hands quickly bind the proffered limb in an improvised guy-rope ‘manacle’. This process is then repeated for the other leg, and finally both are tied together.

“There, now try to—” Danny starts to say, but with a brief scintillation of her horn, Galaxy has already winked out, leaving both guy-rope to fall to the floor.

“It seems I was able to slip out of them,” Galaxy says, as she reappears.

“That proves it!” Danny crows triumphantly, to Paradise’s dismay.

Cherries Jubilee brings a hoof to her chin and muses a while before observing, “But the dragon is probably pretty smart – it might have prepared for that.”

Danny stomps his sneakered foot in frustration. “But how!?” 

Galaxy gives Masquerade a little wink, before saying in a strange, ominous tone, “Look into my eyes, human, and I shall inform you.”

Danny, taken aback, does as she requests. He sees the flames of the campfire dance around in the many facets of her glittering rubies. Unlike his own eyes, or those of most of the other ponies, he sees no pupils, only points of fractured light, as she is a gem-eyed pony. As Danny focuses, Galaxy swishes her head from side to side to create a flash of dark-red that rises from the periphery of both gems. This spark swirls outward, briefly dazzling Danny’s vision and causing him to stumble back.

“It’s magic!” Galaxy grins.

Danny shakes his head to clear the sparkles and ‘hmphs,’ unimpressed by the explanation.

Paradise rises to her hooves. “Hah! True enough. Isn’t that right, Masquerade?” she says, having by now finished munching on her toffee apple.

The latter chuckles, her own gemmed-eyes sparkling. “Surely," she replies to Paradise. "Now, let’s get back to the 'magic'!”

---

As the pair rise and return to their log-seat 'stage', the babble of fireside conversation swiftly fades.

To resume, Paradise briefly explains that the two ponies, Mousefur and Petal Swirl, are huddled together in the passageway leading to the dragon’s cave, where the former had just finished telling the other about the failure of their plan.

“Oh, whatever shall we do!?” Paradise stage-whispers in the squeaky, Surprise-like voice used for Mousefur. “I just knew this would be a disaster; we’ll never save our friend now!”

“Now, now, dear Mousefur, do not lose hope,” Masquerade replies in her reasonable, Wind Whistler-esque ‘Petal Swirl’ voice. “First, let me clarify a few things.”

Paradise sits on her hind haunches like a school-filly, looking up at Masquerade as 'Mousefur' awaits the other's pearls of wisdom.

“You say Vista is not in immediate danger?” Masquerade questions sternly.

Paradise nods her white head. “He only threatened her when Vista said she wouldn’t work for him.”

“So Vista is safe for now – for she has the most creative mind of anyone I know. And you say that a pony was assisting the dragon?”  

“Yes! What kind of pony would help a big, mean old dragon?” Paradise squeaks, incredulously.

“I am not sure, but where there is a problem there is also an opportunity,” Masquerade muses, stroking her downy chin thoughtfully and drawing her hoof below it, as if she had a wispy goatee.

Paradise smiles, pleased by the delivery of the line, which she had found in an old pony tale, before replying as 'Mousefur', “You really think so?”

As this is going on, Danny and Galaxy have been whispering excitedly to each other, continuing their discussion about what Paradise could be planning – Danny, using logical human syllogism, is arguing that the fictional friends must fight the dragon, while Galaxy, using unicorn instinct and intuition, is suggesting that it would be most sensible for the characters to find someone to help them.

Both performers occasionally glance over to this pair during their dialogue. Paradise is pleased with their engagement but wants them to stop debating the practicalities of the story-play and to simply follow her story, while Masquerade is more concerned that the whispering is distracting her co-star.  

Masquerade has an idea and suddenly leaps to her hooves, in character.

“Eureeka!” she shouts and hugs Paradise, lifting her up. The display of emotion and sudden shout shocks the audience, so consistent had Masquerade’s portrayal of the sober character been.

An intrigued gasp goes up around the fire, most of whom then lean in towards Masquerade, in suspense as to the meaning of the outburst, other than Applejack who is so surprised that she falls off her log-seat.

“Eeeeyah!?” squeaks Paradise, genuinely astonished, her pitch naturally imitating the high tones of the ‘Mousefur' accent.

“I apologise for the outburst,” begins Masquerade. “But I believe I have formulated a plan which will surely achieve our goal.”

The golden pegasus pauses significantly.

“C’mon!” Danny and Galaxy mutter together, anticipating the revelation.

“To prevent the dragon’s spies overhearing,” Masquerade arches an eyebrow wryly at the latter, “it is safest to whisper.”

Masquerade buries her snout in Paradise’s ear. "Pretend like I'm setting out the plan!" she hisses.

Paradise nods, wondering what her co-performer could be planning. 

“Oh my!” she murmurs loudly in apparent response.

Many inquisitive necks crane forward, but their furrowed brows reveal that none are any the wiser.

“Oh, but we couldn’t possibly!” Paradise says, adopting a tone of exaggerated intrigue, in response to another 'whisper'.

Danny’s freckled cheeks are almost as red as Galaxy's, as both drum hand and hoof respectively against the bark of their rough-hewn seats in their excitement. Paradise, noticing this, smiles inwardly, understanding that Masquerade must have noticed the whispering pair and be trying to do something about them.

“You don’t say!?” says Paradise, leaning into the pantomime aspect of the improvised scene, waggling her ears and eyebrows in mock amazement.

A few other ponies, notably the curious Twilight, are caught up in the anticipation and join Galaxy and Danny in fidgeting.

“But what if he locks us away and throws away the key?” moans Paradise dramatically, hoof to her brow.

Galaxy, though normally one of the less skittish ponies, ceases drumming and rises to her hooves to pace back and forth, prancing restlessly as she wonders what 'Petal Swirl' could be saying.

After a few more mouthings, Masquerade withdraws herself from Paradise’s ear and Galaxy and Danny cease their activity as they listen eagerly for the revelation.  

“Petal Swirl, you are a genius!” Paradise declares, prompting a wry smile from Ribbon, amused by the latter’s indirect praise for her friend.

"Yes, yes, c'mon!" Galaxy and Danny urge, along with Twilight and a few others.

Masquerade, golden head raised high, gives Galaxy a wink which causes a flash of light to emanate from her gemmed-eyes towards Galaxy’s, just as the latter had done previously to Danny.

Galaxy notices the flash and her eyes open wide and sparkle as she intuits that the entire scene had been a comment on her and Danny's whispered speculations.

Before Danny can resume whispering into Galaxy's furry ear, she twitches it to flick him away. 

“Let's wait and see what they have planned,” she says to the boy, sitting herself back down and forcing herself to be patient, earning a thankful nod from storyteller and playwright alike.

---

Paradise describes that the two friends leave the mountain and split up in furtherance of their plan. She says that Mousefur, the earth pony, travels the ground around the dragon's lair, searching for something.

Paradise trots around the log-seat ring, her fur barely lit up by the glow of the campfire, which has now dimmed. She mimes exploring – peering every so often at the ground and into the eyes of the ponies, some of whom, like Firefly, look back with a grin, while others, like Posey, blush and look down. As Paradise comes to Fizzy, the bubbly pony giggles.

“I think I heard a noise over here!” Paradise squeaks, grinning at Fizzy. “I wonder if someone could be hiding inside this tasty looking fizzy-fruit tree? I better shake it to see if they fall out.”

With a chuckle, Paradise uses her wings to tickle the unicorn.

“Aah! Nooo!” Fizzy tries to wriggle away.

Her neighbours, Surprise and Applejack, laugh delightedly and treacherously join in.

The writhing teal pony activates her unicorn power to protectively bubble herself, poking out her tongue at the would-be assailants, who are pushed back by the translucent shield.

Applejack, not expecting the bubble, and naturally clumsy, falls on her blond tail as a result. She licks her snout ruefully at Fizzy and returns to her log-seat, defeated for now.

Paradise, apprehending both the practical and narrative necessity of desisting, calls off the attack.

“No one there. I better keep looking…” she says.

Surprise, however, who is not one to be deterred, makes to spring at the shield to burst Fizzy’s bubble. At the last moment a hard look from Cherries Jubilee makes her reconsider, so she decides instead to wrap her hooves around it in a bear hug.

The interposing bubble flexes, but holds the huggy pegasus back.

“Hugs?” Surprise pouts at Fizzy, pushing her snout against the sinuous film.

“Only if you promise no more tickles!” the unicorn pouts at the silly white pony, her voice echoing inside her bubble-shell.

Surprise nods solemnly and makes a gesture, sticking her hoof into her eye and crossing her heart. Fizzy, satisfied, dissipates the bubble with a sparkle of her horn.

Paradise looks at them incredulously. “The trees around here sure are silly…” she says, shaking her head.

---

Masquerade, on cue, prepares to continue the story-play by springing into the air. 

As the latter takes off, North Star follows. During the last scene, she had been engaged in applying a costume supplied by Sundance. She now wears a silver party hat on her forehead, which juts out like a horn, and she also sports a coating of silver glitter on the underside of her pink wings and furry tummy. The silver sparkles from her costume light up as she climbs over the upturned heads of the audience, graceful as a bird. In moments, she has become just another point of light in the speckled shroud.

Megan, who had been following the costuming with interest, pets Sundance.

“Excellent job—she looks beautiful! Wherever did you find the ‘horn’?” she asks.

“Thanks.” The white earth pony gives the latter’s hand a nuzzle. “It’s from my costume, from when I play unicorns and pegasi with Shady.”

The little white pony looks up innocently, her blue eyes seeking Megan's; the girl returns the gaze and tousles the other's mane fondly.

Once Paradise returns to her seat, she gestures for quiet and continues the narration: “Petal Swirl, the pegasus, was searching from the air…”

Necks strain as the audience follows Masquerade’s ascent which, from her perspective, transforms them into a ring of fiery upturned faces, over which she ascends on smoky thermals. The golden pegasus sees them begin to squint when she goes beyond the fire's glow, but she is prepared for this and with a gesture to Night Light, she is lit up by the unicorn's power which performs the role of a spotlight.

Paradise explains that Petal Swirl has flown to the volcanic land of the phoenixes, and goes on to say that the pegasus' eyes light up as she sees something else in the air with her. However, Paradise continues, the plumes of noxious steam that are constantly being thrown up from the roiling lava below her, make the pony unsure whether the form denotes a pegasus like herself, or a monster.

“Hail!” Masquerade calls out loudly, casting an eye beneath her to be sure that the audience has heard.

Paradise explains that the mysterious figure does not respond.

North Star’s blurred shape, just visible as a shadow against the star-flecked sky, bobs and weaves a few pony-lengths above the lit-up form of Masquerade.

“Be you friend or foe?” Masquerade calls out again, but receives no response.

With a powerful flap of her wings, Masquerade reaches out and touches North Star’s lavender tail, causing the latter to turn and face her. The audience 'ooh' appreciatively as they apprehend the elaborate costume, now illuminated by the 'spotlight'; the approbation draws a delighted blush from the diminutive white form of Sundance.

North Star smiles, but points to her mouth and shakes her head.

Paradise, back on the ground, narrates that the strange being resembles both a pegasus and a unicorn and, moreover, that its body is silvery and ethereal. She explains, however, that the being cannot speak nor understand the Saddle Arabians, so that Petal Swirl has to communicate using charades.

North Star, now lit up by Night Light’s magic, is shown to raise a pink, glittery, foreleg in a gesture to the stars above her, which she follows up with a hoof-tap to her chest.

Masquerade shakes her head and shrugs her shoulders. “Um… your name is Starlight? No, that can't be right.” she says aloud, for the benefit of those below.

North Star tries again. This time she points to the sky and then presses her foreleg to her face and closes her eyes in a recognisable ‘sleeping’ mime.

Masquerade once more shakes her head in confusion. “Err… you sleep on the moon?” 

“She’s saying she’s a sleepyhead!” calls out Fizzy.

“Or that she has a headache?” suggests Magic Star.

“I hope she’s saying something about fighting a dragon,” Firefly groans, holding out her hoof for Medley to bop, which the latter duly does, with an apologetic look to Paradise, who rolls her eyes at them.

North Star points once again to the moon and draws her hooves in a square shape, before bringing them together to form a triangle to convey a 'house'.

“From that, I deduce that you live on the moon?” Masquerade says, receiving only a blank expression from North Star.

After a moment, she returns the charade, pointing to the earth and making a resting gesture with her own fetlock, receiving a nod.

“If you live on the moon, that makes you a Star Unicorn.“ Masquerade bows her head reverentially. “I have heard of your kind ma’am. It is an honour.”

As the latter bows, North Star smiles, hovers over and puts a hoof to the other's chin to lift the downturned head.

“I am on a quest to find someone,” Masquerade continues. “Tell me, have you seen another pony like me here?”

North Star is about to respond, but remembers her character and just smiles.

Masquerade makes another ‘thinking’ gesture, scratching her head exaggeratedly so that the distant audience can see. Eventually, she makes a circling motion round her head, the pony-charade equivalent of ‘similar to’ and then points to her chest.

North Star nods her head and gestures to the party-hat 'horn' on her forehead.

“Oh. My. Hoofness! A unicorn has visited here!” Masquerade stage-whispers with pantomime surprise, looking down to the audience and exaggerating as much as she dares, in order to make up for the distance.

Paradise explains that Petal Swirl was shocked to hear that the other pony was a unicorn, because in Saddle Arabia there were only very few unicorns – only Vista Star, the King and a couple of others.

“Who could the dragon’s assistant be?” Masquerade continues the whispered monologue, her face contorted to convey as much surprise and consternation as the logical character of ‘Petal Swirl’ would allow.

Masquerade raises her head to face North Star. “Where are they now?” she asks, as she simultaneously mimes the question by placing a fetlock to her brow and gazing about like an explorer.

North Star nods, then blinks and clops her hooves together.

“He winked away, of course!” Masquerade shouts, mindful of the furrowed brows of confusion on some of the the upturned faces of her audience.

'Tough scene', she sighs to herself — she had advised against performing in the sky when they were planning the story-play, but Paradise had insisted.

Masquerade swoops back down to earth, as Paradise explains that Petal Swirl, after miming a hoof to heart gesture of thanks to the Star Unicorn, rushes back to the dragon's lair.

---

North Star, her part over, looks down at the rippling fire and the orange-hued ring of ponies, before raising her gaze to see over the tops of the rustling trees of the now-black forest canopy, to the horizon. The dim shapes of mountains and the glistening skin of a moonlit lake in the distance call to her, but tonight her heart is set on destinations that are even further away. She raises her eyes again so that she is facing directly upwards. In the unimaginable distance, she sees the familiar Big Dipper, the constellation depicted by Galaxy’s mark. Free from the obscuring illumination on the ground, the stars loom large to her and, as she was often wont to do while night-flying, she indulges herself in tracing the line of the sparkling ‘club’ of the Dipper to the two bright orbs at its tip, and then through the blackness in-between, to her own heart’s star: Polaris. Against the midnight pitch of the forest, this star shines bright, like a diamond, filling her with longing. Her always-active mind comes alive with the thought of the home of the legendary 'star unicorns,' a paradise of nebulae and supernova, just out of reach.

'It's so close! I must find it. I'll be the first pony to discover them and see where they go during the day...' she thinks to herself.

As if on their own, her wings fan, gathering the fire-born thermals beneath them, and North Star shoots upwards into the night, hooves curling under her, their ground forgotten, as her sky-borne heart takes control.

Back on the ground, Masquerade gently descends into the firelight, to a smattering of applause for the scene. However, Galaxy, her horn sparkling, senses something amiss; she furrows her brow as she searches the smoke for the missing scout. With an abrupt shout, she calls a halt to the play and everyone turns to her.

“Where is North Star?” Galaxy rises to her hooves, her rubies flashing with concern.

The herd murmur confusedly, gazing about the clearing and up into the sky. Most had assumed that North Star would be with Masquerade.

Firefly and Medley, North Star's companions, immediately leap into the air with a kick, seeking their comrade, but are called back by an angry whistle.

"Back, girls." Wind Whistler, the source of the noise, states in a tone that brooks no argument. "Don't be so hasty."

“It's a dragon!” moans Sundance fearfully, burying her face in Megan’s lap. “Come to steal us away and turn us into monsters, just like Tirac!”

Similar, though less hysterical, thoughts run through the minds of the other campfire denizens, many of whom have felt the trauma of monster incursion.

In other parts of the circle, more considered ideas are forming.

In particular, Danny, who had been musing upon the abilities of unicorns during the play, is suddenly struck by a thought.

“Ribbon, can your unicorn power reach her mind?” he asks.

The motherly blue unicorn’s initially doubtful expression gives way to a thoughtful pout. “That is possible, Danny,” she says, giving the boy a respectful nod.

With a sparkle of her horn, Ribbon’s mind reaches out to the errant pegasus; the image that forms is full of stars and nebulae and is oblivious to communication, rather like the 'Star Unicorn' that North Star had recently been portraying.

Danny, seeing Ribbon’s horn sparkling, waits patiently for her insight, while all around, voices rise in panic.

‘Oh, she’s as bad as her foal!’ Ribbon broadcasts to Danny telepathically, with a shake of her head. ‘She’s star-struck.’

“Star-struck?” Danny asks aloud, bemused.

Galaxy's ears perk up at Danny's exclamation, and as understanding dawns, she sighs and her rubies show spiraling sparkles, the gem-eyed pony equivalent to rolling one’s eyes.

“That feather-brain! Of course! She sometimes tries to fly to the stars. In Dream Valley she can get pretty close, but no matter how many times we tell her she'll never catch those skittish star unicorns, she's always chasing after them.” 

“Stars aren’t unicorns, they’re made of—” Danny begins, but is interrupted by the latter pony clopping her hooves for quiet.

“North Star is safe, but she is star-struck and needs to be brought back before she flies too high or draws the attention of a monster. Can any of you,” Galaxy gestures to the pegasus scouts, “fly as high as her?”

All the scouts, bar Firefly, shake their heads. Medley, seeing this, tuts at her friend. “You might be faster than her, but none of us can go the distances Northie can.” Firefly looks about to argue, her pink head held high, but she catches the hard blues of the latter's gaze and her pride falters. With a sigh she lowers her head and joins the others in defeat with a dispirited disavowal.

However one, quiet, voice from a formerly dozing pegasus, affirms that she is capable. It comes from a milky, light-yellow coated pony with a long blond mane. In contrast to the mare’s meekness, her physicality almost matches the stature of Cherries Jubilee. On her flank are stars which surround a hot air balloon.

“Thank you Lofty, you should be able to catch her,” says Galaxy. 

The other pegasi sigh enviously as Lofty spreads wings that fan almost a pony-length on either side as, with heavy beats of the great limbs, the albatross of the herd sets off after North Star.

The rest of the ponies, seeing this, soon settle back down.

---

As Lofty’s wing-beats recede, Paradise resumes her tale. She says that Mousefur and Petal Swirl hurry back to the dragon's mountain.

Paradise picks up a rope in her mouth.

“Mmmf mmf, mmmf mmmmf!” she mouths, to giggles.

“Mousefur, dear, please,” Masquerade says patiently in her ‘Petal Swirl’ voice. “I cannot hear what you are saying.”

Paradise spits it out. “I said that this vine will be perfect!”

As the more practically minded ponies look on intrigued, a knowing look comes into Galaxy and Danny’s faces.

“Indeed it will,” Masquerade replies.

Paradise narrates that Mousefur weaves the vines into a lasso, explaining that her subtle earth pony mouth and deft hooves are equal to the difficult task. The explanation draws an appreciative smile from Sundance and a few of the other earth ponies.

“Now that the lasso is finished,” Paradise says as Mousefur, “where should we spring our trap?”

“In the tunnel, where he or she won’t be able to wink away to escape!” Masquerade responds.

The revelation is accompanied by ‘aahs’ of understanding from most of the listeners, who had been in the dark as to the designs of Paradise’s two protagonists. Danny and Galaxy, however, who had already figured this out, grin at one another.

“Oh, they were trying to find the dragon’s assistant the whole time!” Applejack blurts out. “Now it makes sense!”

Ignoring the outburst, Paradise continues, “The two ponies lurk around a bend in the passageway until—” she pauses, waiting for a cue.

A trill of girlish giggles breaks out as Danny, who has risen from his seat, bends to the ground awkwardly, dropping to all-fours. (Seeing the bipedal creature thus transformed into an ungainly unbalanced ‘pony’ always delighted the herd— foal, filly and mare alike.)

Surprise, unable to contain herself, flutters onto Danny’s back, sitting on him side-saddle style.

“Giddy up, Danny!” she chortles, squeezing his side with her milk-white hind-legs.

“Neeigh!” Danny rears back, in role, galloping his hands like a startled pony.

The silly sound causes the crowd to laugh even harder. Few of them understand that this is the noise ponies make in Danny’s homeland, but Firefly, who had visited there, recognises the sound and guffaws. She nudges her friend.

“Told you Medley, that’s the sound they make there.”

The turquoise pony snorts.

“Hah! Well you wouldn’t catch me making such a silly noise.”

Masquerade and Paradise, expecting the display and anticipating the effect it would have on the crowd, wait indulgently for their audience to return to them. However, when the mirth does not subside, Masquerade – mindful of the late hour – clops her hooves together in an attempt to bring the diversion to an end.

The performers, however, are in no mind to comply.

“Such a good horsey.” Surprise, enjoying the laughs and oblivious to Masquerade, continues her improvised routine. “Do you want a carrot?”

She mimes holding a carrot to Danny’s mouth which he pretends to chomp on, provoking more giggles.

“Ahem!” Paradise coughs, trying to support Masquerade's efforts to move things on.

Danny, enjoying being the centre of attention, ignores this latest intervention also. Turning to the laughing group, he makes a whickering and snorting noise, continuing his role.

Surprise leans in towards his face, as if she’s trying to understand him. “Oh, if only they could talk like us? What could be in their silly heads?” she winks, to more laughs.

Paradise tries to catch Cherries Jubilee’s attention, but the latter is too caught up in the fun to notice.

Megan, more familiar with, and less diverted by, her brother’s antics, and also concerned by the lateness of the hour, which is getting close to the little ponies’ bed-time, decides that enough is enough.

“Quit fooling around,” she says sharply, summoning a pretend anger, knowing that anything less would not be sufficient.

The laughing herd quietens, abashed. “I was only—” Danny begins.

Surprise, looking dismayed, ‘dismounts’. “Sorry Megan.” But the latter does not relent and instead gives the rambunctious pegasus a stern look, causing her ears to droop.

Megan didn’t like disciplining the ponies, but she knew that the excitable filly would only exhaust herself and, moreover, work up the others. She maintains the facade until Surprise is once more seated.

Danny, blushing, returns to his story-role.

---

Paradise gives Megan a grateful nod. “So, as I was saying…”  

Paradise explains that Petal Swirl and Mousefur crouch tensely as they hear the unmistakable clippety-clop of hoof-steps coming towards them, echoing in the quiet of the tunnel.

Masquerade adds the sound effect to this description, bringing her forehooves together as Danny makes his way towards her on all fours, imitating the heavy tread of the dragon’s mysterious pony helper. Some risible ponies, including Surprise, whose irrepressible high spirits have already returned, join in, so that soon each ‘step’ is echoed by tens of similar clops from around the clearing, along with numerous sniggers.

Paradise, shaking her head at the buffoonery, perseveres, and once Danny is next to her, she shouts out, “Now!” in the squeaky ‘Mousefur’ voice. 

Suddenly, Masquerade throws a rope over Danny, who rears up and thrashes his arms about like a pony fighting the rein. 

To Paradise's satisfaction, she notes that the turn towards action grips her audience, whose laid-back ears during the silliness have flicked forward intently. 

“Quickly Mousefur, pull it taut,” Masquerade says, the calm tone used for 'Petal Swirl' contrasting with the urgency of the scene.

Paradise picks up the ends of the rope and draws them tight, so that they knot around Danny’s waist like a lasso.

Paradise explains that once the mysterious pony is trapped, they find out that it is indeed a unicorn, a male.

"Petal Swirl approaches the gloomy form apprehensively, unable to make out its features," she says, darkly. “He seems to her to have midnight-black fur.” The revelation provokes shocked murmurs from the colourful pony crowd.

“Unnatural!” mutters Ribbon, disquieted.

Paradise continues, saying that as the two friends approach the tied up unicorn and lift his travelling cloak, they are shocked to find that they recognise him!

“It cannot be!?” hisses Masquerade.

“By Merlin’s beard!” squeaks Paradise.

“The unicorn assisting the dragon is… the King himself!?” they cry in unison.

The revelation astonishes those of the herd following the tale, provoking gasps and mutters all around.

“But why would he betray his subjects?” muses Galaxy.

“What a traitor, huh!” Gusty says, unimpressed.

“But... they trusted him,” Posey’s reedy voice rises tremulously, almost lost in the din.

---

All of a sudden, the ropes unwind and lift up. Some of the earth ponies and pegasi in the audience are shocked by this and their manes swish back and forth as they look around to see who is drawing the rope. The unicorns, however, grin, recognising the telekinetic magic of Buttons, a lavender pony whose horn protrudes through light red and blue curls.

“Oh no!” cry Masquerade and Paradise in unison.

“The King’s unicorn power is telekinesis, and he has unwound the rope restraining him!” explains Paradise.

Gusty grins across the fire at her playmate. The latter unicorn, Buttons, winks back as she continues to levitate the rope.

“The treacherous King attacks by pushing Mousefur away with his unicorn power!” Paradise continues.

With a nod to Buttons, Paradise is surrounded by sparkles as the lavender pony’s power levitates her; she steadies herself with her wings as she continues to narrate the King’s actions.

“And then he throws the rope at Petal Swirl!”

Buttons, who is now panting with exertion, sparkles the rope over Masquerade, where it hangs limply on the latter's snout.

The display of magic meets with a few clops of applause from the audience, led by Gusty.

“And then he winks away!”

The audience turn to Buttons, but she shakes her head. 

Masquerade coughs, gesturing at Gusty, whose eyes are still on Buttons, trying to cue her in. Eventually, she gives up. “Gusty will play the part of the escaping king,” she announces, frowning testily at the windswept mare, who turns and laconically rises to her hooves.

“All hail king Gusty!” giggles Sundance teasingly, prompting an un-lady-like snort of amusement from Megan, who had already had a few run-ins with the highly strung ‘alpha mare’ of the herd.

Suddenly, with a flash of her green eyes, the wild unicorn appears on the opposite side of the fire near Paradise, who makes to throw the rope over her. The audience groan, however, as by the time it lands, Gusty has already winked away.

“Noo! He’s escaped,” Paradise squeaks in her Mousefur voice.

Gusty cackles as she reappears on the other side of the fire next to Sundance, who smiles nervously at her, ears pinned back submissively.

“Boo!” The mare grins down at the earth pony, summoning a wind to ruffle the latter's pink mane.

“Eek!” Sundance flinches, before giggling, relieved that Gusty hadn’t taken the earlier tease the wrong way.

“Cease and desist,” Masquerade declaims as ‘Petal Swirl’, leaping over the log-seat next to Sundance to cast her rope once more. The crowd gasp, only to sigh as Gusty winks away again.

While Gusty winks back and forth, pursued by Masquerade, Paradise explains that the King was too constrained by the tunnel to make good his escape, but also too quick to be caught.

“The two friends are caught in a frustrating stalemate between hunter and hunted.” Paradise gestures to Masquerade, whose heavy breathing and increasingly weak wing-flaps were not entirely an act as she tries to keep up with Gusty.

Paradise continues, “While Petal Swirl can anticipate the King, she lacks the dexterity to capture him, and while Mousefur can throw the lasso expertly, she struggles to predict the king’s movements, and therefore neither are able to trap him.”

“They need to work together!” a number of ponies shout.

Paradise explains that, as Mousefur and Petal Swirl near the exit to the tunnel, and the king looks like he is going to escape, Petal Swirl calls out to her, suggesting a new tactic.

“Mousefur! Aim it here,” Masquerade calls out, pointing to a seemingly empty space.

“B-but—” Paradise begins, before opening her eyes wide. “Sure thing, Petals!” she says and launches the rope.

Gusty obligingly winks into its path, lowering her horn expertly so that it hangs at the tip, to a few clops of applause.

Masquerade gingerly approaches Gusty, intending to knot the rope on the latter’s horn, but is checked as the unicorn turns, lifts her head and shifts her weight forward, acting on her alpha-instinct to send the other pony away. A few of the ponies near the temperamental mare recognise the signs of an impending buck, and shift to one side, but Gusty controls the urge. With a little snort, she trots back around to face Masquerade, lowering her horn once more, allowing the latter to tie the rope.

Paradise explains that the lasso expertly catches around the King’s horn and that Petal Swirl fixes it in place and knots it tightly so he cannot escape.

The long anticipated revelation brings a pleased thigh-slap from Danny and squee of satisfaction from Galaxy, whose earlier whispering had chanced upon this means of restraint.

Paradise smiles at the two, glad that the two brightest minds of the group were engaging with her story.

“Thank you, Gusty,” Masquerade says. “I will play the part of the King from here.”

Gusty nods and hoofs the rope to Masquerade, before returning to her seat.

---

Masquerade ties the rope around her neck and her expression shifts to a scowl, once more in role as the treacherous king.

Paradise, in turn, pins her ears back and trembles her lip, a picture of betrayed trust. “H-how could you do this to us!?” she squeaks.

Masquerade merely snarls and whisks her head about, as if trying to dislodge the rope. In response to this, Paradise bites down on it and pulls, forcing Masquerade’s head forward. The golden pegasus mimes reluctance, skidding her hooves as Paradise, who has braced herself, yanks the other along.

Once Masquerade has been reeled in, she calms, raises her head and then turns to face the audience, who gasp!

Her normally sparkling emerald eyes, so full of life, are strangely blank and empty.

The audience recoils at the eerie sight of the inert gems.

“I can’t see her eyes! Where has her twinkle gone!?” Magic Star cries, horrified. “Stop it Masquerade… I don’t like it!” 

Posey, next to Magic Star, gives her a hug. “Please Masquerade...!” she joins in.

“Ew, freaky. Talk about nightmare fuel,” Gusty says, less perturbed than the rest, but still flustered.

Danny, though, is more bemused than afraid. “What do they mean? ‘Her twinkle?’” he asks Galaxy, whose own gemmed eyes are unusually cloudy.

The latter, however, seems suddenly enervated. Danny, surprised, looks round the other gem-eyed ponies, and as he does so it seems as if the same malaise has befallen all of them, with even Fizzy’s normally sparkling quartzes being downcast.

However, one pair of particularly brilliant, pink sapphires seem to be unaffected. The gems of her eyes are set among fiery white, golden, yellow, orange, and red stripes of mane. In contrast to her twinkle-eyed companions, this earth pony's face is iridescent, its light almost eclipses the campfire’s glow.

This pony catches his eye and explains softly: “When we joined the herd, our gems were dark like that because we had been kept underground. We couldn’t see very well and couldn’t escape until we harnessed the light in our eyes – our ‘twinkle’,” she continues. “I was the first to do so.”

With a shake of her head, her eyes glow to a dazzling white. A sparkle flashes from her own pink sapphires, travelling to Galaxy’s rubies, then to Fizzy’s warm pink quartzes and finally to the deep emeralds set in the gold of Masquerade’s face, which comes once more to life, whereon she gives Bright Eyes a brief smile, before turning to towards Paradise, gems still flickering with the past, waiting for her next cue.

---
 

By this time, the moon is approaching its zenith, and some of the ponies’ eyes are drooping. With a heavy flap, Lofty and North Star return to the gently glowing circle of warmth. Wind Whistler rises up imperiously and summons the smaller pegasus over for a whispered ‘chat’ about the dangers of solitary night-flying in the forest.

Paradise puts a comforting hoof to Masquerade's shoulder as she draws her audience once more into her story. She explains that once the king is tied up, they strip him of his robes and possessions, including the gems he was sent for.

“The gems glow with the golden fire of the land of the phoenixes, captivating Mousefur and Vista Star as they stand huddled in the dragon tunnel.” She leans forward, so that her face is lit up from below by the firelight.

“Behold! For mysterious Muse has revealed them to us!” Masquerade declaims theatrically, pointing to Bright Eyes, who has leaned in with the others to hear Paradise’s words, her gemmed-eyes forming rivers of white-pink lava from the reflections of the rippling flames dancing across their surface. “Their beauty is too much for me.” She casts a fetlock over her face. “I may faint!”

Bright Eyes blushes as the audience turns in her direction. Many ponies gasp as, under the influence of the story, they seem to catch glimpses of the unearthly beauty of the 'phoenix gems' reflected in the many facets of the latter's eyes. Leaning into her role, she gently turns her head, twinkling the soft pink of her sapphires to cascade prismatic light onto the onlookers. like twin crystal balls.

Paradise smiles at Masquerade's improvisation as she continues to narrate that the companions reverentially replace the priceless items in their pouch and then tie the treacherous king up. She goes on to say that Petal Swirl dons the former king’s robes and trots into the lair in disguise, looking to get close to Vista and somehow aid her friend’s escape. She explains that this had been the friends’ purpose all along.

Masquerade drapes a large, fluffy, white dressing gown, courtesy of Heart Throb, over herself to convey the King’s disguising robes. Then she flourishes a purse – provided by Megan – as an improvised gem-pouch which she holds above her head.

Thus attired, she trots slowly over to Danny, crouching in a servile manner as she does so.

A roar sounds from the incongruous form of Surprise, prompting squeaks of discomfort from the group and startling a few of the sleepier audience-members awake.

Danny, in his role as the dragon, stands and glowers at the robed supplicant suspiciously. Suddenly, twin jets of bubbly steam appear behind him, catching the firelight and creating a vaporous halo which almost obscures the teal form of Fizzy, the source of the bubbles, who had crept behind Danny’s ginger head as he sat. The spectacle draws gasps of surprise from the listeners.

Masquerade continues to approach with the pouch aloft, breathing deeply to mime fear.

“Something seems different about you, my servant...” Danny growls in as deep and threatening a voice as he can manage.

Masquerade’s green gems glint in the fire under her dressing gown 'robe' as she takes her time, savoring her audience's reaction to the tense moment: Posey and Magic Star clutch each other’s hooves tightly, Fizzy fidgets her hooves against her log-seat and Sundance again buries her head into Megan’s lap. The other ponies are similarly worked up, with even the normally collected Galaxy being restive.

After a momentary pause to build suspense, Paradise continues, saying that Petal Swirl approaches the base of the dragon’s grand throne where Vista Star is still chained and working on a sculpture for the foul beast. She describes that, as the pegasus approaches with the pouch held aloft, the Thespian unicorn is shocked to discern the fair fur of her friend poking out from under the cloak, but that the quick-witted pony swallows her amazement, to avoid blowing the other’s cover.

Masquerade cowers in front of Danny, head lowered and hooves outstretched, before opening the purse, as if displaying the gems inside.

After a dramatic pause, in which the tension electrifies the ears of every pony, Danny rears his head, takes a deep breath and opens his mouth. Posey and a number of the more delicate ponies cover their eyes with their fetlocks, anticipating Petal Swirl’s demise by dragon-fire. However, Masquerade does not flinch, and continues to hold the ‘gems’ high as jets of steamy bubbles form from behind Danny’s head. These bubbles cascade about the pegasus, evoking contemplative smoke, rather than the aggressor's stream of flame.

Danny nods and peers at the gem. “Yes, that will do, my servant. Present them to the slave,” he says, menacingly.

The ponies around the campfire all breathe a sigh of relief. 

“Petal Swirl makes a show of passing over materials to Vista, and whispers into her friend’s ear,” the white pegasus explains.

“Where is the key to the manacles?” Masquerade’s stage-whisper cuts across the hushed audience, adopting the wooden expression and delivery of Petal Swirl, although the similarity with Wind Whistler garners no laughs in the tense moment.

She then alters her features and mannerisms to those of the expressive pony, Vista, waving her hooves about theatrically: “Mine freedom, the victim of these ill-begotten, draconic chains, lacks such a savior.” Masquerade draws a fetlock over her brow. “Verily, my bonds are the product of a magick most foul.”

Changing her expression and delivery back to the laconic Petal Swirl, Masquerade asks, “Do you know what spell maintains them?”

Altering her expression again, she continues, “More than that, my would be knight in shining armour. In mine dreadful captivity, after the clawed Artemis captured this sacrificial lamb, our own Thesmothete imprisoned me. Both the chains and our liege are now creatures of the same arcana! The cause of this wickedness is the swirling crystal that crests the beast’s foul staff.” Masquerade delivers Paradise’s eldritch script with gusto, hissing and crackling like a crone and waggling her ears maniacally.

Many ponies, however, look lost over the references in the mini-soliloquy, which leaves even Megan – an avid reader – confused.

Paradise explains that Vista means that both the manacles on the pony and the king are controlled by the dragon's staff, which leans against his throne, prompting intrigued ‘oohs,’ especially from the storyteller’s practically-minded companions: Gusty, Galaxy and Cherries Jubilee.

“That must be why the king’s sparkle had gone! Because the dragon’s magic was controlling him,” Galaxy whispers to Cherries Jubilee, who nods.

Masquerade pauses for her audience to digest the developments before continuing.

“So, we break the staff,” she says, her expression having shifted back to Petal Swirl. “Very well.”

The incongruity of the terse and straightforward explanation, after the floweriness of ‘Vista Star’, is met with a couple of giggles, despite the tension.

“Quite so, my clear-sighted companion. While labouring in this sulphurous pit, mine eyes oft strayed to the staff; without my sensitivities, one may suspect it to be invulnerable, but I have found a flaw. I who have shaped knotted branches from the giant redwoods of the south and stripped the sickly corrupted barks from the willows of the Eastern marshes. This same master-craftspony has discerned that the wood of the dragon’s staff shrinks from the crystal as doth flesh from a suppurating wound,” Masquerade's voice sinks to a growl to help convey the anger of the captive unicorn.

Paradise clarifies that Vista Star's message means that the dragon's staff is rotten near the top and that if a pony were to crest the throne and somehow avoid the dragon, they might be able to buck the crystal off.

“I shall take this news to—” Masquerade begins, but is cut off by a roar from Surprise.

The golden pagasus' face shifts, “Leave now! Lest the creature divines that you are not subject to its magick!” she says shrilly, her hoof raised dramatically to point at Danny.

Paradise says that Petal Swirl grimaces and trots out of the chamber, imitating the mechanical gait of a possessed pony. Once there, she explains the situation to Mousefur.

---

“Soon the dragon will realise that his servant is no longer under his control! We must destroy that dragon's staff now,” Masquerade says as Petal Swirl.

“B-but how?” Paradise splutters as ‘Mousefur,’ swiveling her ears back.

“I shall fly in there and—” Masquerade begins, but is cut off.

“No! You’ll be spotted and cooked alive by his fiery breath!” Paradise moans. “I should go—”

But Masquerade interrupts, snorting angrily, to the surprise of the audience, so used to the Petal Swirl character’s Wind Whistler-like calm and logical delivery.

“Don’t say that! I couldn’t bear to lose you too,” Masquerade stomps, her eyes glistening with real emotion as she imagines losing her friend.

The outburst is met by sniffles from around the campfire, particularly from the yellow forms of Posey and Magic Star.

“Nor me, you, my bestie,” Paradise says warmly, moving beside Masquerade and entwining her red tail in the luxurious green weave of her companion.

Masquerade and Paradise hang their heads together emotionally, their manes dangling over their eyes.

Paradise is the first to raise her head. “Be logical—” she begins, stroking Masquerade’s golden furred cheek with a white hoof, a twinkle in her eye. “Your big clumsy hooves would alert the dragon to your presence in a second, while I can sneak up to that scaly monster and buck its stupid staff before it knows what has happened!”

“Yeah, you go filly!” Applejack, wrapped up in the moment squeaks out, joined momentarily by an echoing ‘woo!’ from Fizzy, Sundance and Surprise.

“Oh Mousefur,” Masquerade says in a voice is full of sadness. Ribbon, who is sitting next to Posey, squeezes the latter’s hoof as she struggles with the tender scene.

In another part of the circle, Firefly pokes her tongue out. “Eww, yuck,” she whispers to Medley.

“Tell me about it,” Medley responds, although her own glistening eyes betray that the scene had touched her also.

Paradise explains that the two companions formulate a plan whereby Mousefur will creep up to the throne to destroy the staff, whereon Vista Star will blink to safety and Petal Swirl will distract the dragon to allow Mousefur to escape. She goes on to say that, with one last look into her companion’s eyes, Mousefur begins the rescue.

---

Paradise leans back significantly on her log-seat, creamy-white fur glowing in the fading embers of the now dim campfire, taking in the rapt eyes of her audience, before continuing.

“With sock-soft hooves—” she begins, pausing as she is interrupted by a squee from a particular mint-green pony, “—Mousefur skitters across the dragon’s lair unseen and shimmies up one side of its enormous throne.”

“I can’t look!” Sundance moans, her head returning to the safety of Megan’s lap where, for good measure, she also covers her ears with her hooves.

“Finally! This is where it gets good,” Firefly nudges Medley, her purple eyes sparkling with anticipation of the coming action.

Paradise explains that the dragon doesn’t spot the little pony, even as she climbs nimbly up the legs of his throne, explaining that the beast’s eyes are glued to the iridescent phoenix gems adorning Vista’s sculpture.

The storytelling pegasus rises to stand on her log-seat, spreading her snow-white wings. The audience hush as they sense the nearing climax of the tale. “Mousefur ascends to the armrest of the dragon’s throne; all around lie the tyrant’s riches, like a golden mountain range,” she breathes. “The staff leans against one of these armrests. To approach it, she will have to use the the creature’s own scaled bulk as cover....”

The attentive members of the audience hold their breath. Even the normally unflappable Medley finds herself seeking the pink of Firefly’s hoof and they sit entwined. The latter – similarly worked up – gives her friend a reassuring squeeze.

“Mousefur gingerly creeps towards the staff, as slowly as she dares, trying not to draw the gaze of the monster, whose sulphurous smoke lies all about as a putrid fog, burning her with each... shallow... breath." 

Paradise counts to three in her head, trying to build suspense before she continues, a technique passed on to her by Masquerade.

"Her eyes sting and her fur is soaked with sweat as she inches along the narrow armrest, averting her gaze from the cavern floor, far below…”

The reference to the threat of falling draws anxious glances from the earth ponies, and compassionate ‘awws’ from the pegasi.

“Mousefur draws ever forward, till the dragon’s staff towers above her, the arcane magic in the great apex crystal crackles and buzzes, like a storm...”

The clearing is silent, but for the quiet shifting of the ashy logs and occasional pop from the fire, until a grumbling roar from Surprise elicits shrieks from the tense audience. Paradise explains that Mousefur cowers at the dragon's roar, fully expecting to become its next meal, but that miraculously the earth pony finds that she is not eaten. Risking a quick look back, she sees that the beast was merely clearing its throat.

“Her heart in her mouth, Mousefur lines up her hind-legs to buck the dragon's staff and then unleashes, catching it where the wise Vista had indicated – the rotten wood underneath the crystal! Time seems to slow down for her as the wood explodes and it begins to fall."

"Oh, oh my!" Posey whimpers, biting her hooves.

"With a crash, the crystal shatters on the cavern floor!”

---

As Surprise takes a deep breath everyone anticipates a loud roar. However, before the latter can do so, a feather tickles her throat, causing her to instead burst into laughter. Fizzy, the wielder of the feather, pokes her tongue out at the pegasus.

Surprise prepares to leap at the unicorn for vengeance, but a thunderous look from both Paradise and Masquerade checks her.

Fizzy, realising that she has interrupted an important moment for the creative pair, shrinks back, feeling guilty for having taken her vengeance at such an inopportune moment.

“Gotcha back,” she whispers at Surprise, who pulls a silly face in response.

Paradise describes the furious dragon bellowing with anger and swiping at Mousefur with its razor-sharp, meter-long claws. While Gusty, Firefly and Medley’s ears prick up with interest, most look uncomfortable at the visceral description of a predator attacking a fellow pony. Magic Star, who is holding her tender-hearted friend Posey’s hoof, adopts a particularly tight-lipped expression.

Paradise, with a sigh and glance to Magic Star, reassures her audience that Mousefur is perfectly ok as she nimbly darts out of the way and slides down one of the glass legs of the throne.

“Go Mousefur!” Fizzy pops up, shortly echoed by her silly-pony friends.

“But before Mousefur can leap to safety, the dragon wraps his huge body around the throne to prevent her escape!” Paradise adds, to a collective gasp.

Paradise explains, however, that all is not lost as Vista Star now comes to her rescue. She says that the unicorn's magical manacles had fallen to the ground when the dragon’s crystal had smashed, and that the artistic unicorn, though she could blink away in an instant, was loathe to leave her friend behind.

“Foulsome wyrm!” Masquerade suddenly roars as 'Vista Star', glowering at the human. As she advances on Danny, he reluctantly hands her the horsehead he had been whittling. With a sob and a longing look at the crude sculpture, she takes it in her mouth and casts it into the campfire, wherein its passably whittled head begins to blacken and burn.

"Not horseface!" exclaims Applejack, piercing the solemn moment with her chuckleheadery.

Danny and a few ponies snigger and are about to burst out laughing in earnest at the silly name, but before anyone can react, Paradise hurriedly explains that, in order to distract the dragon and save her friend, Vista Star casts down the beautiful sculpture she had been working on, smashing the priceless sculpture of the dragon and shattering the phoenix gems.

"With a blood curdling scream the dragon turns from Mousefur to Vista and leaps, its fangs outstretched and grasping,” the pegasus says, lurching her own wings forward as she says so, causing her audience to flinch back.

The storyteller pauses as she notes with satisfaction that she has regained the attention of her audience.

“C’mon Paradise!” Firefly says, fidgeting.

Paradise, however, does not continue. Instead, with a self-satisfied look, she wags her hoof at the eager pink pegasus. “You’ll have to wait and see, because I need to tell you what Petal Swirl has been doing all this time.”

---

Paradise explains that as the dragon’s crystal explodes into fragments, the Saddle Arabian king returns to his senses.

“Petal Swirl! My most loyal subject,” Danny says, in his ‘king’ voice. “Untie me!”

Masquerade glances wildly back and forth, her green mane swishing about and her emeralds flashing.

“Petal Swirl is conflicted,” Paradise informs the group. “While she understands that the king is no longer ensorcelled, her ears are full of the roars of the dragon and her heart throbs with concern for her friends.”

As Paradise pauses, many heads bob up excitedly, hopeful for action.

“But she resists the urge to charge in to the fray, as she senses that the king might prove to be a valuable ally.”

The heads sink back down.

"Ugh, what a tail-tease," Firefly grumbles.

Paradise continues to say that Petal Swirl unties the king. Once freed, the king is determined to storm into the dragon’s lair and confront the beast there and then, but Petal Swirl advises against – resisting her instinct once more – she reasons that an attack without a plan would be too dangerous.

The sentiment draws solemn nods of approval from Megan, Galaxy and Wind Whistler, all familiar with the need to put their feelings to one side so as to keep their minds clear in order to better care for those who rely upon them.

Masquerade cups a hoof to Danny’s ear and whispers to him, in response to which Danny nods, in a show of judiciousness.

Masquerade eventually draws back. “You understand, Sire,” she says in the calm, logical tone of ‘Petal Swirl’.

“I do,” replies Danny, gravely, before turning to the fire. “Onwards! For Saddle Arabia!” he cries.

“For Mousefur and Vista Star!” Masquerade joins.

"At last!" Firefly grunts and leaps athletically into the air.

Paradise, who had been just about to cue Firefly in, sighs. The other pegasus scouts all grin eagerly, understanding that the expert flier of the group was about to put on a show for Paradise’s tale.

Masquerade, meanwhile, gestures to Gusty and Fizzy, and excited murmurs bubble up from the audience as the two unicorns position themselves next to each other.

While the ponies wonder what is about to happen, Paradise explains that before the dragon can land its strike on the static form of the proud Vista Star, Petal Swirl bravely charges it, driving her lance down onto the beast’s cavernous maw.

"Wait, where did she get the lance from?" wonders Wind Whistler, tiredly.

Paradise, who overhears this comment, blushes hotly, having lost track of the item when drafting her script. 'Err, too late to correct that now' she thinks to herself, and presses on.  

“Vista Star! Wink to safety. We shall save Mousefur. Go!” Masquerade calls out.

“The dragon turns to meet the new attack, surprised by the sudden presence of Petal Swirl. Its monstrous heart knew fear in that moment, but it has a secret weapon…” Paradise explains and then pauses ominously.

With a whoosh from Gusty’s horn and zipping-popping sound from Fizzy’s, a stream of bubbles flies out towards Firefly, glowing orange in the reflected firelight. The beam streaks towards the aerial-ace who avoids the blast. A chorus of thumping applause and wolf-whistles breaks out from the log-seats as she loops away from it with a winged-backflip, flexing her shoulders and galloping her legs.

“The dragon unleashes a torrent of fire at its adversary!” Paradise says grandly, marveling at the impressive effect created by the combined unicorn powers of her friends. She goes on to say that when the dragon pauses for breath, Petal Swirl does not press her attack to close with the beast, but rather stays ready, awaiting its next move.

The noise from the clearing rises as Gusty and Fizzy unleash volley after volley, strafing into the sky. As she does so, the aural talent of Whizzer provides a whooshing noise, as of a blast of steam.

As the pink pony skips forwards through the starlit smoke of the night sky, Firefly always seems to be just ahead of the bubbles. Everyone’s face is warm with admiration for their friend’s peerless skill.

At a gesture from Masquerade, Firefly, Gusty and Fizzy reluctantly pause.

“While she is unharmed, Petal Swirl is soon scorching hot, her fur is soot-stained and her ears are deafened by the bellows from her implacable foe,” Paradise says darkly. “The dragon grins and his snake-like tongue flicks with the anticipation of tasty pony flesh, before releasing another torrent of flame; each time it does so, the cavern comes alive with flame and shadow, as the great crystal mirror above scatters the light from blasts.”

The reference to 'flesh' causes sickly looks on a few yellow faces. Magic Star's tight expression becomes a frown as she comforts a trembling Posey.  

At a gesture from Masquerade, Gusty and Fizzy alter their behaviour – they now unleash bubbles in a torrent, aiming this time at the sky above Firefly so that soon the air is full of bubbles. The pegasus twists about in the air, trying to avoid them, but inevitably many pop against her pink fur or blue tail. After a short while, she returns to the ground and alights on her seat, giving a characteristic satisfied tail-whip and receiving a round of stomping applause.

Once the noise dies down, Paradise explains, grimly, “The dragon’s flames were all about Petal Swirl, so she could no longer dodge the fiery blasts. Though she is but moments from defeat, she does not betray fear – not even as her nostrils fill with the stench of her own scorched fur.” 

"Paradise!" Magic Star says, crossly. "It's ok Posey." Magic Star turns to nuzzle her whimpering friend.   

Paradise winces and flops an apologetic ear at the pair, but pushes on.

“Petal Swirl alights in the one portion of the cavern that is not aflame, an area near the throne, where the dragon’s most precious sculptures and art-pieces lie, many of them hoof-drawn compositions by her friend, Vista Star.”

Masquerade, picking up a small wooden plank and holding it in one fetlock as a makeshift shield, faces the audience solemnly.

Danny addresses the pugnacious form in his most monstrous voice. “Puny little pony! You had no hope of defeating me!” He completes the act with a passable villainous laugh.

With a nod to Gusty and Fizzy, a torrent of bubbles is unleashed upon Masquerade.

“Nooo!” Megan gasps, soon joined by Ribbon and Wind Whistler. Paradise is inwardly delighted that her tale has managed to sway even these most level-headed members of the herd. 

Masquerade raises the ‘shield’ which blocks the bubbles, but she groans in pain so convincingly that many leap to their hooves to help, before blushing and sitting back down.

“The brave pegasus’ shield staves off the dragon’s onslaught—” Paradise informs the group, to sighs of relief, “—but her fetlock is seared and she begins to falter.”

“My liege...Vista Star…Mousefur...I...failed...you,” Masquerade groans out as she slumps to the ground. Sniffles break out around the campfire.

However, at the same moment, the bubbles suddenly stop. To yells of surprise, Fizzy and Gusty disappear under Heart Throb's dressing gown which had been levitated there by Buttons’ telekenesis. This act is accompanied by a crashing sound, produced by the skillful mouth of Whizzer.

“Wh-what happened!?” Surprise and Fizzy cry, muffledly, from under the fabric.

Paradise explains, over the exclamations of the audience, that the great mirror that the dragon had affixed to the cavern ceiling had come crashing down upon its head, ending its evil life in one fell blow.

“Standing behind the monster’s corpse and upon its throne stands the king, his great horn glowing with effort,” says Paradise, nodding to Buttons who smiles and nods her sparkling horn towards the pegasus. “For brave Petal Swirl had not been attacking the dragon on her own, but was rather distracting him so that the King could use his telekinesis to break the binds on the mirror and crush the beast under its weight!”

A few cheers go up from the sillier ponies and the scouts.

Paradise pauses to let the audience digest the developments before continuing.

“With the monster gone, the ponies of Saddle Arabia are free!” Surprise grins, her little white head now poking out from a sleeve of the dressing gown. 

“What a dangerous plan! Poor Mousefur and Petal Swirl...” Galaxy says, her pleasure at the defeat of the dragon tempered by her contemplation of the cost.

“I do hope Mousefur and Petal Swirl are ok,” Twilight says, more focused on the plight of the two protagonists than on the defeat of the evil dragon.

“Did you see the way I dodged those bubbles?” Firefly boasts.

“Ding dong the dumb dragon is dead,” Gusty snorts and yawns, ready for bed.

“Crushed by the weight of his own vanity,” a sarcastic voice says, coming from a pink pony with a two-tone red/white mane.

“Good one, Moon Shadow,” giggles a snow white pony with a tri-tone orange/pink/purple mane, the sparkles of a light heart on her flank, manifesting her identity.

“Thanks, Light Heart,” the other replies.

“Mousefur’ll be ok won’t she Megan? Paradise wouldn’t…” Sundance trails off, fixing the human with glistening light-blue eyes. “She can leap out the way, right?”

Megan turns and pets the pink mane of the little earth pony, deeply touched by the tender gaze of her favourite. “Of course she will, Sundance, she’s way too smart and fast to let a big dumb brute like that fall on her,” she responds.

“A tremendous story, but the hour is getting rather late...” Ribbon says to Paradise, eyeing the pale blue form of Wind Whistler whose proud head, focused all day on the safety of the herd, had been dipping at various points during Paradise’s long tale, only kept upright by concern for the feelings of the two performers.

In the quiet, the voice of Posey pleads, “Please Paradise! Don’t let it end like that for poor Mousefur and Petal Swirl.”

---

Paradise, taking the hint, begins to wrap up her tale. She explains, with an apologetic smile to Posey, that the singed but unharmed body of Mousefur emerges from under the throne. Then, with a look to Magic Star, she adds that Mousefur gallops to her friend Petal Swirl’s side and, with special Saddle Arabian magic, kisses her all better. She explains that the triumphant trio and their liege return to the kingdom, alongside the friendly wolf-pack, who are overjoyed to hear of the demise of the dragon.

“Awoo! Well done! Wuff, wuff!” Lickety Split giggles, reprising her role as wolf, prompting muffled laughter from Fizzy, who is still engaged in removing the dressing gown from her head, it having snagged on her horn.

“When they arrive back, the trio are treated like the heroes they are, but the king – who served the dragon, even though unwillingly – is ashamed of himself.” As Paradise says this, she rises to her hooves and lifts something from a box that had lain at her hooves throughout the performance. As Masquerade sees what’s inside, her eyes light up.

Paradise gives this to Danny, who holds the object up so that it is illuminated by the firelight, which reveals it to be a tiara made of woven, golden passion-flower. The living ‘crown,’ a gift from Posey, was picked earlier in the day and kept secret from Masquerade till this moment. It had been chosen because the green and golds of the vine and petals match Masquerade’s colouring.

“From this day forth, Saddle Arabia shall have a new queen! Arise Vista Star!” Danny booms in his most regal-sounding voice as he places the circlet on Masquerade’s head.

Masquerade, blushing, raises her head, her emeralds sparkling.

‘Awws’ go up from around the circle, with even the level-headed Megan joining in, touched by the sight.

Applause breaks out as everyone takes a moment to recognise Masquerade’s efforts to entertain them and to bring Paradise’s story to life.

Once the applause dies down, Paradise explains that the king had decided in his shame that he must abdicate the throne to make way for another unicorn, and that in the absence of another heir, and in recognition of her astonishing achievements, there was only one choice. Paradise goes on to say that Petal Swirl was made the captain of Queen Vista Star’s guard, while Mousefur was appointed her Chancellor, whose first task was to distribute the evil dragon’s remaining wealth to the pony population.

“And they all lived happily ever after,” Paradise sighs. “The end.”

The gathering, as one, rises for a standing ovation – Danny joins with the most boisterous ponies to stomp his approval, while Megan and the quieter ones clap.

“That was amazing!” Fizzy chirrups.

“Best yarn yet Paradise, I don’t know how you do it!?” exclaims Galaxy.

“Bravo! What an excellent diversion,” a weary Wind Whistler states, her voice sounding so much like Masquerade’s impression of ‘Petal Swirl’ that it causes many to double-take.

Masquerade and Paradise, who are standing on their log-seats as an impromptu stage, gesture to Danny, Lickety Split and North Star, the acting roles, to take their place beside them. To another wave of applause, all bow low; the ovation goes on for some time with loud ‘bravos’ and whistles. The din of the acclamation rises into the night sky, along with the smoke of the fire, filling the clearing till – alarmed by the possibility of little ears perking up and hearing the noise – Ribbon and the other baby-pony-sitters shush them, and the applause continues sotto voce.

Once the appreciative noises relent, Masquerade points to the sound-effects team and those with non-speaking roles: Buttons, Bright Eyes, Night Light, Heart Throb, Surprise, Minty, Fizzy, Whizzer, Galaxy, Applejack, Gusty, Firefly and Cherries Jubilee. These rise in turn to receive clops of applause which single out the superlative performances of Whizzer, Firefly, Fizzy and Gusty.

---

Storytime over, the ponies sleepily rise to their hooves to head for their camp-beds; the fire hisses as Galaxy pours water over it, and the clearing goes dark.

Eventually, almost everyone disperses to their tents – the glow of unicorn horns lead some, while others are guided by firefly lanterns held firmly in the hooves of pegasi and earth ponies. The dimly-lit groups murmur animatedly about the story they have just heard. 

Masquerade, Gusty, Danny, Cherries Jubilee and Paradise head to the largest tarpaulin structure, while Fizzy, Surprise, Sundance and Applejack trot to a tent which sports streamers and balloons. Ribbon, Posey, Twilight and Magic Star sashay towards an elegant pavilion adjacent to the baby ponies, while Wind Whistler, Firefly, Medley and North Star stride towards a roughly-erected shelter at the edge of the clearing.

The tents are briefly lit up from within by horn or lamp, before going dark; the high moon of a clear Ponyland midnight soon shines upon a dark clearing full of glistening, dewy, tarpaulin mounds.

Megan and Galaxy stay outside a little while longer in the dark, silently working together to restore the clearing, brushing campfire embers away from the log-seating and clearing away stray dishes. Both occasionally glance towards the tent of the baby ponies as they do so, ears cocked for sounds within. Eventually, with a last look around the clearing – encompassing the opaque blackness of the surrounding trees to the still-rising steam from the fire – the two are satisfied that all is well, and even these two sentinels are ready for bed. They say goodnight with an embrace.

“Sleep tight, Galaxy,” Megan murmurs into the unicorn's furry ear, her arms clutching its powerful neck and pressing herself against the large head.

“And you,” Galaxy replies sleepily.

Megan hears her friend’s soft hoof-steps retreat and her eyes follow the glow of the sparkling horn as it approaches the largest tent in the clearing.

“I wish the horses at home were like this,” she sighs as she sees the light disappear inside.

With a last, lingering, look round the peaceful, moon-lit clearing, Megan enters her own elegant abode, stepping softly around the gently breathing forms of Ribbon, Posey, Magic Star and Twilight as she makes her way to bed. She is soon asleep.

Edited July 30, 2023 by North Star

[Peace Petal 11]

Intro: Replace "pegasi scouts" with "pegasus scouts." Pegasi is the plural. It wouldn't sound right if you said "unicorns scouts," I think.

I think grouping into ponies into personality types is going to be a great help towards learning all these characters for those who are new to G1. That was a good idea.

3rd scene, 4th paragraph: Change "sparkly things form every other creature" to "sparkly things from every other creature."

4th scene, 5th paragraph: “Isn't it impossible to wink through solid objects,” Cherries Jubilee offers. That comma should be replaced with a question mark.

4th scene, 6th paragraph: Replace the hyphen (-) with a dash (—).

I luv the horse behavior in the scene with Galaxy and Danny. You may already know, I'm a stickler for my little ponies acting like horses, and that was a big theme for G1, so that checks out as accurate. I also love how Galaxy gave Danny a good twinkle from the eyes. Twinkle-eyed ponies are the best ponies.

I like the subtle nod to Ribbon's mind-reading abilities with this line: “Petal Swirl, you are a genius!” Paradise declares, prompting a wry smile from Ribbon, amused by the latter’s indirect self-praise.

6th scene, 7th paragraph: I believe the first comma is unnecessary. Change "The, now writhing, teal" to "The now writhing, teal"

I noticed that Surprise made a promise similar to the "Pinkie promise" from G4. Nice little connection, there.

6th scene, 15th paragraph: I believe the first comma ("here, sure") is unnecessary.

7th scene, 1st paragraph: Change "continues" to "continue" in the first sentence.

7th scene, 3rd paragraph: I think the comma after "thanks" and the comma after "nuzzle" can both be replaced by periods. That makes three complete sentences, and since you didn't use a dialogue tag (for example, the word "said"), the commas aren't necessary. So the result would be, “Thanks.” The white earth pony gives the latter’s hand a nuzzle. “It’s

7th scene, 11th paragraph: Add a comma after "tail" before "causing."

You said that the ethereal being can neither speak nor understand the pony tongue, but it was shaking its head to some of Petal Swirl's guesses, so it seems to understand, right?

8th scene, 1st paragraph: In the last sentence, you said "as if on their owns..." The "s" is not necessary. Replace with "as if on their own..." Also, I've never seen the word "sky-bourn" before. I would have said "sky-borne." But maybe that's a British thing.

8th scene, 6th paragraph: Replace "North Stars" with "North Star's."

8th scene, 12th paragraph: Replace the comma after "pout" with a period.

I love the twinkle-eyed eye-roll.

8th scene, 21st paragraph: Replace the comma after "heads" (before Medley) with a period.

Heh, I was just thinking that Lofty was the one pony who could catch her. Great (G1 fan) minds think alike.

9th scene, 8th paragraph: Replace "weave" with "weaves" in the first sentence.

9th scene, 9th paragraph: Replace the comma after "finished" with a period. It's already a complete sentence. Alternatively, you could say "Now that the net is finished," to make it connect to the next sentence if you want to keep the comma.

9th scene, 11th paragraph: Remove the word "the" before "Paradise." It should read: "the designs of the Paradise’s two protagonists"

9th scene, 13th paragraph: Replace the hyphen with a dash.

9th scene, 18th paragraph: Add a comma after "there."

9th scene, 21st paragraph: Add a comma after "audience." Also add a comma after "subside."

9th scene, 31st paragraph: Change the hyphen to a dash.

Was it previously established that the King has a black coat? That would make the reveal more dramatic, I think. Nice little detail that could be added in editing if it was not there previously.

10th scene, 2nd paragraph: Replace "cries" with "cry." Subject-verb agreement.

10th scene, 3rd paragraph: Add a comma after "telekinesis."

10th scene, 4th paragraph: Why did you put Buttons' name in quotes? It makes it seem like a nickname.

10th scene, 12th paragraph: Add a comma after "Gusty" before "whose."

10th scene, 14th paragraph: Replace "groan" with "groans."

10th scene, 21st paragraph: You don't need a hyphen in "stale-mate." "Stalemate" will do just fine.

10th scene, 26th paragraph: Replace "B-but-" with "B-but—" (hyphen)

11th scene, last paragraph: You don't need to capitalize "Sapphires."

12th scene, 4th paragraph: Change the comma after "me" to a period.

12th scene, 5th paragraph: Replace "minds eyes" with "minds' eyes."

12th scene, 16th paragraph: You said, "Masquerade remains unbowed..." But, wasn't she bowed? Shouldn't it be "remains bowed"? Also, you referred to Danny as "her" in the last sentence: "jets of steamy bubbles form from behind Danny’s head and cascade about her"

12th scene, 19th paragraph: Replace "friends'" with "friend's". This is the singular possessive.

12th scene, 30th paragraph: Replace "master-crafstpony" with "master-craftspony."

13th scene, 2nd paragraph: Change the comma after "how" to a question mark. Add a comma after 'Mousefur'.

13th scene, 3rd paragraph: Change the hyphen to a dash.

13th scene, 4th paragraph: Change the hyphen after "go" to a dash.

13th scene, 9th paragraph: Change the hyphen to a dash.

13th scene, 12th paragraph: You misspelled Firefly (you wrote "Firely").

14th scene, 2nd paragraph: Replace the hyphens after "hooves" and before "Mousefur" with dashes.

14th scene, 5th paragraph: You end the paragraph with a quotation mark that is not necessary. Remove it.

14th scene, 8th paragraph: Remove the commas after each and shallow. They are unnecessary.

14th scene, last paragraph: Replace "hind-les" with "hind-legs."

15th scene, 12th paragraph: Add a comma after "says" before "fidgeting."

15th scene, 13th paragraph: Add a comma after "however."

16th scene, 4th paragraph: Change the comma after "group" to a period.

"The sentiment draws solemn nods of approval from Megan and Galaxy." Strange that you didn't mention Wind Whistler. The whole character is based off Wind Whistler, after all.

16th scene, 12th paragraph: Add a comma after "Firefly." Also, in this paragraph, you said "Windwhistler." In the merch and comics, it is always written as two separate words. "Wind Whistler."

Wait, where did we get armor and a lance from?

16th scene, 19th paragraph: You said here that Whizzer makes the roaring sounds. Is this a mistake? In previous scenes it was Surprise.

16th scene, 26th paragraph: Add a comma after "other."

16th scene, 27th paragraph: Change the comma after "voice" to a period.

16th scene, 29th paragraph: Replace "Wind-whistler" with "Wind Whistler

16th scene, 31st paragraph: Replace the hyphens with dashes.

16th scene, 33rd paragraph: Once again you referred to Whizzer as the roar of the dragon. Which one is it? Her or Surprise? Also, unless this is a British thing, it should be "skillful," not "skilful."

16th scene, 45th paragraph: Add a comma after "one" before "Moon."

16th scene, 46th paragraph: Add a comma after "Thanks."

16th scene, last paragraph: Delete the "#" in "M#ousefur."

17th scene, 1st paragraph: Add a comma after "wolf-pack."

18th scene, 4th paragraph: Add a comma after "tight."

18th scene, 6th paragraph: This sentence seems incomplete. Maybe you meant to say "as her friend heads towards the largest tent" rather than "as her friend heads towards the largest tent"

 

Okay, there we go. This was a very long section, so I think the grammatical errors are pretty sparse, relatively speaking. To be honest, I did my best, but I am certain that I missed many little details. As you may have noticed, a lot of my changes were very nitpicky and detail-oriented, and it's extremely hard to stay focused at that level of detail for such a long chapter. Especially when my method of marking changes is very inefficient. This would have been easier if I could track changes in a word processor. That being said, I don't think the grammar errors are all that important. Overall you're doing very well. I've seen much worse grammar from published stories on fimfiction, and I don't think any of your errors are distracting from the story at all.

The overall patterns are problems with commas, dialogue tags, and hyphens vs dashes. As a reminder, the hyphen (-) is only really meant to be used for compound words (sock-soft hooves, for example). The dash (—) should be used for just about all other purposes, including when a character is interrupted mid-sentence, which seemed to be a common occurrence in this chapter.

But really I'd much rather talk about the overall story. It's superb! Masquerade and Paradise did a wonderful job putting this all together! I don't know much about theater, but I want to say they did just about everything right--audience interaction, comedic pauses (I loved Surprise riding the Danny-pony), clever use of the unicorns' spells to make special effects. I can tell you put a lot of thought into this.

I love the cozy G1 vibes. It's lovely to see them have fun without getting attack by a monster, for once. The characters are so cute, and for the most part you've done a great job of getting their personalities across. And, of course, I love the little bits of horse behavior and terminology thrown in there. This whole story just makes my G1-fan heart glow! I also noticed the clever reference to toy-only Bright Eyes.

So I pretty much loved it. Yep, that sums it up. I wish I could have been more thorough with nitpicking grammar, but it was a very time-consuming process as is. And you can see that I got rather sucked into the story, as there are long stretches where I didn't comment anything about grammar.

[abronymouse 6,154]

Thanks so much Peace Petal  glad you enjoyed it! Writing up the sweet G1 bit of the story has been great :3 together it comes to about 26k words of ponies just camping and doing pony things The next chapters are going to return to type with a typical monster story, but I'm so glad that I expanded the introduction section so that it can stand as a mini-story in its own right.

I'll take in all those as soon as I can — dialogue still foxing me quite a bit, and I need to remember about the dash, I'll look out for that. I'm scanning through the chap in waves, it'll be a long while before I'm happy with it, I think, so I may well stumble on other grammar issues as I go through.

[abronymouse 6,154]

On 2023-03-14 at 11:01 PM, Peace Petal said:

Intro: Replace "pegasi scouts" with "pegasus scouts." Pegasi is the plural. It wouldn't sound right if you said "unicorns scouts," I think. <-- done and thanks for the prompt, that makes sense 

I think grouping into ponies into personality types is going to be a great help towards learning all these characters for those who are new to G1. That was a good idea. <-- yay , glad that's working. Back in 2022 when I was planning this craziness, realising I could group up the chars was a big step towards the insanely ambitious scope of the fic 

3rd scene, 4th paragraph: Change "sparkly things form every other creature" to "sparkly things from every other creature."  <-- done, well spotted

4th scene, 5th paragraph: “Isn't it impossible to wink through solid objects,” Cherries Jubilee offers. That comma should be replaced with a question mark. <-- done

4th scene, 6th paragraph: Replace the hyphen (-) with a dash (—). <-- done. Searched for hyphens and hopefully picked them all up

I luv the horse behavior in the scene with Galaxy and Danny. You may already know, I'm a stickler for my little ponies acting like horses, and that was a big theme for G1, so that checks out as accurate. I also love how Galaxy gave Danny a good twinkle from the eyes. Twinkle-eyed ponies are the best ponies. <--  me too. It's one of the best things about having humans around - it lets the ponies be ponies.

After struggling with the slightly eerie implications of twinkle-eyed ponies in this chap I'm finally happy with them. aided by a gif of Fizzy sparkling her eyes at the fourth wall. 

I like the subtle nod to Ribbon's mind-reading abilities with this line: “Petal Swirl, you are a genius!” Paradise declares, prompting a wry smile from Ribbon, amused by the latter’s indirect self-praise. <-- heh, hadn't thought of that interpretation but I'm glad it works - I was riffing on momma-pone's insightful nature there (the whole line is also a reference to the meta-ness of the narrative eg by making the audience enjoy Paradise's story, I am sort of praising myself  ) 

6th scene, 7th paragraph: I believe the first comma is unnecessary. Change "The, now writhing, teal" to "The now writhing, teal" <-- done 

I noticed that Surprise made a promise similar to the "Pinkie promise" from G4. Nice little connection, there. <-- well picked up  

6th scene, 15th paragraph: I believe the first comma ("here, sure") is unnecessary. <-- done

7th scene, 1st paragraph: Change "continues" to "continue" in the first sentence. <-- done

7th scene, 3rd paragraph: I think the comma after "thanks" and the comma after "nuzzle" can both be replaced by periods. That makes three complete sentences, and since you didn't use a dialogue tag (for example, the word "said"), the commas aren't necessary. So the result would be, “Thanks.” The white earth pony gives the latter’s hand a nuzzle. “It’s <-- done. Wondered about that as I spotted it wasn't a said tag, but missed that 'Thanks' could stand on its own.

7th scene, 11th paragraph: Add a comma after "tail" before "causing." <-- done

You said that the ethereal being can neither speak nor understand the pony tongue, but it was shaking its head to some of Petal Swirl's guesses, so it seems to understand, right?  <-- good point! I rewrote it a couple of times trying to capture that, but left a few instances of understanding in. I've cut those out now.

8th scene, 1st paragraph: In the last sentence, you said "as if on their owns..." The "s" is not necessary. Replace with "as if on their own..." Also, I've never seen the word "sky-bourn" before. I would have said "sky-borne." But maybe that's a British thing. <-- done and done with the borne. The American spelling makes much more sense 

8th scene, 6th paragraph: Replace "North Stars" with "North Star's." <-- done

8th scene, 12th paragraph: Replace the comma after "pout" with a period. <-- done

I love the twinkle-eyed eye-roll. <-- glad you liked that  I had so much fun with the twinkle-eyed ponies in this chap

8th scene, 21st paragraph: Replace the comma after "heads" (before Medley) with a period. <-- done

Heh, I was just thinking that Lofty was the one pony who could catch her. Great (G1 fan) minds think alike. <--  had lofty in my mind a few points as I rewatched parts of G1 while writing this, and I was eager to cameo her. Love the connections between the star-flanked ponies too 

9th scene, 8th paragraph: Replace "weave" with "weaves" in the first sentence. <-- done

9th scene, 9th paragraph: Replace the comma after "finished" with a period. It's already a complete sentence. Alternatively, you could say "Now that the net is finished," to make it connect to the next sentence if you want to keep the comma. <-- done, went with the second option for flow

9th scene, 11th paragraph: Remove the word "the" before "Paradise." It should read: "the designs of the Paradise’s two protagonists" <-- done (prolly cropped up due to the frequent musical chairs with the nouns/pronouns for Paradise to avoid excessive repetition of her name. There are over 100 uses of the word "Paradise" in this chap  - a G1 academy record!)

9th scene, 13th paragraph: Replace the hyphen with a dash. <-- done

9th scene, 18th paragraph: Add a comma after "there." <-- done

9th scene, 21st paragraph: Add a comma after "audience." Also add a comma after "subside." <-- done

9th scene, 31st paragraph: Change the hyphen to a dash. <-- done

Was it previously established that the King has a black coat? That would make the reveal more dramatic, I think. Nice little detail that could be added in editing if it was not there previously. <-- ooh, good point. I have added that to the king's reveal in the previous chap

10th scene, 2nd paragraph: Replace "cries" with "cry." Subject-verb agreement. <-- done

10th scene, 3rd paragraph: Add a comma after "telekinesis." <-- done

10th scene, 4th paragraph: Why did you put Buttons' name in quotes? It makes it seem like a nickname. <-- well spotted and done (a relic of previous edits)

10th scene, 12th paragraph: Add a comma after "Gusty" before "whose." <-- done

10th scene, 14th paragraph: Replace "groan" with "groans." <-- done

10th scene, 21st paragraph: You don't need a hyphen in "stale-mate." "Stalemate" will do just fine. <-- done

10th scene, 26th paragraph: Replace "B-but-" with "B-but—" (hyphen) <-- done (an especially egregious hyphen, given the hyphen before it)

11th scene, last paragraph: You don't need to capitalize "Sapphires." <-- done, although if ever a pony's eyes deserved a proper noun, it would be Bright Eyes' 

12th scene, 4th paragraph: Change the comma after "me" to a period. <-- done

12th scene, 5th paragraph: Replace "minds eyes" with "minds' eyes."  <-- done

12th scene, 16th paragraph: You said, "Masquerade remains unbowed..." But, wasn't she bowed? Shouldn't it be "remains bowed"? Also, you referred to Danny as "her" in the last sentence: "jets of steamy bubbles form from behind Danny’s head and cascade about her" <-- done - unbowed was confused of me - I'm really just trying to say she doesn't flinch. Also simplified the following sentence to avoid confusing the subject (and Danny's gender) 

12th scene, 19th paragraph: Replace "friends'" with "friend's". This is the singular possessive. <-- done

12th scene, 30th paragraph: Replace "master-crafstpony" with "master-craftspony." <-- done

13th scene, 2nd paragraph: Change the comma after "how" to a question mark. Add a comma after 'Mousefur'. <-- done

13th scene, 3rd paragraph: Change the hyphen to a dash. <-- done

13th scene, 4th paragraph: Change the hyphen after "go" to a dash. <-- done

13th scene, 9th paragraph: Change the hyphen to a dash. <-- done

13th scene, 12th paragraph: You misspelled Firefly (you wrote "Firely"). <-- done

14th scene, 2nd paragraph: Replace the hyphens after "hooves" and before "Mousefur" with dashes. <-- done

14th scene, 5th paragraph: You end the paragraph with a quotation mark that is not necessary. Remove it. <-- done

14th scene, 8th paragraph: Remove the commas after each and shallow. They are unnecessary. <-- done and altered - they were an attempt to slow the dialogue down but didn't work. Have altered the dialogue to emphasise the heavy pauses instead:

“Mousefur gingerly creeps towards the staff, as slowly as she dares, trying not to draw the gaze of the monster, whose sulphurous smoke lies all about as a putrid fog, burning her with each," she pauses for emphasis "shallow..." another pause, "breath." 

Paradise counts to three in her head, trying to build suspense before she continues, something Masquerade had taught her in rehearsal.

14th scene, last paragraph: Replace "hind-les" with "hind-legs." <-- done

15th scene, 12th paragraph: Add a comma after "says" before "fidgeting." <-- done

15th scene, 13th paragraph: Add a comma after "however." <-- done

16th scene, 4th paragraph: Change the comma after "group" to a period. <-- done

"The sentiment draws solemn nods of approval from Megan and Galaxy." Strange that you didn't mention Wind Whistler. The whole character is based off Wind Whistler, after all. <-- agree - I had been keeping Wind Whistler out of this, partly because she so readily comes to the forefront of the other chaps, but this is clearly a nod to her so have added her in

16th scene, 12th paragraph: Add a comma after "Firefly." Also, in this paragraph, you said "Windwhistler." In the merch and comics, it is always written as two separate words. "Wind Whistler." <-- done (have tripped up on that a couple of times and missed that one)

Wait, where did we get armor and a lance from? <-- ups, good point  well, since you are the inspiration for Petal Swirl (and I originally did include Wind Whistler spotting continuity errors in Paradise's tale) I decided to add the following:

"Wait, where did she get the lance from?" wonders Wind Whistler, tiredly.

Paradise overhears and blushes hotly, having lost track of the item when drafting her script. 'Too late to correct that now' she thinks to herself.  

16th scene, 19th paragraph: You said here that Whizzer makes the roaring sounds. Is this a mistake? In previous scenes it was Surprise. <-- Surprise provides loud dragony roars while Whizzer provides sound effects - have changed this to 'whooshing' 

16th scene, 26th paragraph: Add a comma after "other." <-- done

16th scene, 27th paragraph: Change the comma after "voice" to a period. <-- done

16th scene, 29th paragraph: Replace "Wind-whistler" with "Wind Whistler <-- done

16th scene, 31st paragraph: Replace the hyphens with dashes. <-- done

16th scene, 33rd paragraph: Once again you referred to Whizzer as the roar of the dragon. Which one is it? Her or Surprise? Also, unless this is a British thing, it should be "skillful," not "skilful." <-- done - emphasised the Whizzer is producing a crashing noise, and not roars to separate her from Surprise

16th scene, 45th paragraph: Add a comma after "one" before "Moon." <-- done

16th scene, 46th paragraph: Add a comma after "Thanks." <-- done

16th scene, last paragraph: Delete the "#" in "M#ousefur."<-- done (ups, that's me typing too fast!)

17th scene, 1st paragraph: Add a comma after "wolf-pack." <-- done

18th scene, 4th paragraph: Add a comma after "tight." <-- done

18th scene, 6th paragraph: This sentence seems incomplete. Maybe you meant to say "as her friend heads towards the largest tent" rather than "as her friend heads towards the largest tent" <-- done - have rearranged the sentence 

 

Okay, there we go. This was a very long section, so I think the grammatical errors are pretty sparse, relatively speaking. To be honest, I did my best, but I am certain that I missed many little details. As you may have noticed, a lot of my changes were very nitpicky and detail-oriented, and it's extremely hard to stay focused at that level of detail for such a long chapter. Especially when my method of marking changes is very inefficient. This would have been easier if I could track changes in a word processor. That being said, I don't think the grammar errors are all that important. Overall you're doing very well. I've seen much worse grammar from published stories on fimfiction, and I don't think any of your errors are distracting from the story at all.

The overall patterns are problems with commas, dialogue tags, and hyphens vs dashes. As a reminder, the hyphen (-) is only really meant to be used for compound words (sock-soft hooves, for example). The dash (—) should be used for just about all other purposes, including when a character is interrupted mid-sentence, which seemed to be a common occurrence in this chapter.

But really I'd much rather talk about the overall story. It's superb! Masquerade and Paradise did a wonderful job putting this all together! I don't know much about theater, but I want to say they did just about everything right--audience interaction, comedic pauses (I loved Surprise riding the Danny-pony), clever use of the unicorns' spells to make special effects. I can tell you put a lot of thought into this.

I love the cozy G1 vibes. It's lovely to see them have fun without getting attack by a monster, for once. The characters are so cute, and for the most part you've done a great job of getting their personalities across. And, of course, I love the little bits of horse behavior and terminology thrown in there. This whole story just makes my G1-fan heart glow! I also noticed the clever reference to toy-only Bright Eyes.

So I pretty much loved it. Yep, that sums it up. I wish I could have been more thorough with nitpicking grammar, but it was a very time-consuming process as is. And you can see that I got rather sucked into the story, as there are long stretches where I didn't comment anything about grammar.

thanks so much @Peace Petal - sorry it took so long to take these in this time, but have taken everything in and even written in a lil cameo quoting you  (well it is a meta section).  

[abronymouse 6,154]

still taking in changes @Peace Petal thanks again for the suggestions. I have been working on introducing the king's coat colour and added a lil scene to the previous chapter:

Quote

Paradise explains that the ponies are now in the throne room. Whizzer ceases her noise and Medley and Megan join their voices to sing a choral passage. The storyteller describes the fearsome black-coated and bearded king sitting on his majestic throne of glass as he listens to the petitions with a grim frown on his royal face.

The herd rustle uncomfortably at the description, until Sundance pipes up, "Is the king a pony?"

Paradise, who had paused so the ponies could digest the description, immediately responds affirmatively that he is a unicorn. 

"But he sounds like a monster?" Sunny replies, to nods of agreement from various rainbow-coloured pony-faces round the fire.

"It is common for the Saddle Arabians to be dark as night. But just like the night, their gemmed-eyes sparkle like stars." Paradise explains, having prepared herself for this question, the coat-colour having been a deliberate choice.

The explanation and description satisfies the crowd, and the reference to the twinkling eyes garners an appreciative smile from Galaxy and Fizzy and the other gem-eyed ponies. 

Megan and Danny, however, exchange a look of bafflement. It is Megan who is first to understand the ponies' confusion.

"They don't have dark coats here! Not like on the farm. So the ponies thought he was a monster!" she shouts across the fire to her brother, whose eyes open wide with apprehension, before joining his sister in chuckling at the misunderstanding.

gonna tighten up the wording a lil more.

was glad to have a bit of Megan/Danny interaction too (other than him getting told off). Haven't had them discussing the ponies together like this yet and there's something heartwarming about the idea I think 

[Peace Petal 11]

I like all the changes you've made! And I appreciate my cameo, although I'm sure nopony else will be aware.