Celestial (Original) - Need Critique

[MLPForums Phanact 1,374]

Hey! I wrote a song because I really wanted to create something that reflected the way I felt and my thoughts about MLP. I didn't just want to cram MLP references into the song and I tried to do it as subtly as possible! I'd love to get critique as what I've received in the past has been super helpful (:

 

Verse:

Late-bloom, 

Afternoon,

Small fright,

Midnight.

Early,

Morning,

Eye's closed,

Yawning.

 

The suuu-uuun is making its way,

Dancing in the sky,

And Luna-aahh is sound asleep,

To let her sister shine.

 

Pre-Chorus:

But we all shine

 

Chorus:

We will be Celestial-aall,

And we'll raise the sun for all,

Cause we will bring the moon down to these parts,

And eclipse the hate that's in those hearts,

And we will be Celestial-aall,

We raise our heads and stand up tall,

Celestial-aall, Ooh-ooh-ooooh-oh-oh-oh

 

Verse:

Only,

They see,

I'm alone,

No home.

Boldy,

Bravely,

Closely,

They speak.

 

A ra-aainbow is arching up there,

Dashed against the sky,

And the twilight is on it's way,

To bring back the night.

 

Pre-Chorus:

But we'll still shine

 

Chorus:

We will be Celestial-aall,

And we'll raise the sun for all,

Cause we will bring the moon down to these parts,

And eclipse the hate that's in those hearts,

And we will be Celestial-aall,

We raise our heads and stand up tall,

Celestial-aall, Ooh-ooh-ooooh-oh-oh-oh

 

Bridge:

We all shine,

We all shine,

We all shine,

We all shine,

We all shine,

We all shine,

We all shine,

Shine (hold).

 

Pre-Chorus:

We will be Celestial-aall (hold).

 

Chorus:

Cause we are all Celestial-aall,

And we raise the sun for all,

Yeah we bring the moon down to these parts,

And eclipse the hate that's in those hearts,

Cause we are all Celestial-all,

We've raised our heads and stood up tall,

Celestial-aall, Ooh-ooh-ooooh-oh-oh-oh

 

[Felix 1,363]

I'm sorry. I have no critiques...this is beautiful. I'd love to hear this with my ears. If you think you could, that would be great.

 

This is the best song of this show I've read. I'll definitely keep an eye out for your work. Don't stop doing what you're doing. This is lovely.

[MLPForums Phanact 1,374]

Thanks so much! I have chords for it but I'm waiting for my new microphone to be delivered before I record it (:

 

Thank you again for the compliments. This is the first thing I've wrote in 2 years, I've had the worst ever writers block D:

 

EDIT: If anyone wants a more in depth analysis of what the lyrics mean then just ask and I'll post it :3

Edited July 24, 2013 by Kaz

[Felix 1,363]

You're welcome. And okay. :3 I can't wait to hear it. It will be even better with your beautiful voice behind it!

 

In 2 years? That's quite some time. Well, obviously you have some amazing talent! 2 years and you're really good still!

[MLPForums Phanact 1,374]

I've always had a knack for writing but I hate releasing any of my work until I believe it's as perfect as it can be and for most of the stuff I write, it never meets my standards so I just delete it.

 

Break down of lyrics is as follows;

 

Verse 1 - The times I always watch MLP. At these times, it always cheers me up the most. The first line reflects on my late entry to the Brony community. The second stanza of the first verse is evidently a reference to Celestia rising the sun and how it is viewed as joyous and then how Luna stopped being jealous of her sister after the events of the first two episodes of season one.

 

Pre-Chorus - A hook that to me shows that even if we are in a dark place, we can still shine.

 

I'll do the rest later (:

Edited July 24, 2013 by Kaz

[~SadisticFluttershy~ 779]

This brings tears to my eyes. (Literately)

 

It's absolutely beautiful. I was singing this in my head with voices that are nothing but angels.

 

I love this piece.. It's just amazing. It brings joy into my heart and brings up my spirit high.

I give this song a 14/10 cause it's just breathtaking.. it's a song meant to comfort others.

 

You deserve a brohoof /)*

[MLPForums Phanact 1,374]

Wow! Thank you so much, you don't understand what that means to me at all! I hope I can do these lyrics justice with my own voice when I receive my new microphone tomorrow!

 

Once again, thank you so much! <3

https://soundcloud.com/kaz-michael-smith/celestial-demo-original-song I recorded the first verse and chorus just to test my new microphone so I can't guarantee the finished version will sound anything like this.

Edited July 24, 2013 by Kaz

[Felix 1,363]

Wow! Thank you so much, you don't understand what that means to me at all! I hope I can do these lyrics justice with my own voice when I receive my new microphone tomorrow!

Once again, thank you so much! <3https://soundcloud.com/kaz-michael-smith/celestial-demo-original-song I recorded the first verse and chorus just to test my new microphone so I can't guarantee the finished version will sound anything like this.

Wait did you remove the music? It says the file doesn't exist when I click the link or try the one that's already set on the forum page.

[MLPForums Phanact 1,374]

I removed it cause I wasn't happy with it and so I will be re-recording it in 2 days time (this Tuesday.)

 

I received some negative comments from a few friends as well which got me quite down and I removed it hastily. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't.

 

TLDR; Confidence killed, will be re-recording a newer version on Tuesday, HOPEFULLY with less vibrato in my voice.

[Felix 1,363]

Aww, okay. I'm sorry to hear that. But don't worry, you wrote something really good! If you had the confidence to make something as beautiful as that then I know you can sing it right! Just find your voice. You can do it.