private The Ballad of the Three Moderators

[Arylett Charnoa 4,919]

OOC Thread
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Zoop Aloops sat at a desk at the Ponyville library, contemplating things Zoopily. His horn tingled with magic as it emitted a burst of "ZOOP!" Whoops, he accidentally destroyed a book with his badassery! He looked to his other fellow moderator of Ponyville, Arylett, and regarded her with a rather Zoopish look.

"Hmm... my fair lady... what do you suggest we do now? Nico and I are quite bored. And whilst I am in love with my own voice, I do grow tired of hearing it at times."

[Zoop 8,384]

Nico cast a withering look upon the mighty alicorn, rolling his nico-eyes as he did so.

 

"Control thyself, Zoop. Thou must keepest thy power under the utmost control, lest you bring about the end of ALL THE THINGs," he spoke, rather grumpily, as he pounded a single nico-hoof upon the table. "Surely, you agree with me, Arylett? A creature of your wonderful beauty and feminine charms must certainly agree with a wonderful pony such as myself."

[Nico 790]

Arylett set her gaze upon Nico and furrowed her brows fervently.

 

"Don't interrupt me, you cur! Zoop was speaking to me, and therefore I am the one who should have spoken. Also, take your wretched ass-kissery somewhere else! I do not need compliments from somepony as unbecoming as yourself!" She turned to look at the magnificent being that is Zoop Aloops.

 

"My suggestion for our next plan of action is to find things to blame Nico for. For instance, despite how obvious it was that your sheer badassery was the cause of that book exploding, I daresay it was somehow Nico's doing!"

[Arylett Charnoa 4,919]

Zoop stroked his bald head with an extremely mighty superhoof slowly and powerfully as he gazed upon this rather beautiful specimen of a pony and then looked back at the magnificently toothed Nico. Perhaps this specimen was correct. Although first, he felt a burst of song go through his soul. And the alicorn had to express it.

 

"Zoop~ Oh Zoop! I am the magnificent Zoop~! Zoop-a-loopa-doo-pa-dee-dooo!" With a flail of his right wing, he finished off this glorious tune by flying into the air and fluttering around in a very manly way. Then he decided it was time to get back on track. As a Super Moderator, he was the most powerful of the three ponies, and it was his responsibility to...

 

"Yes, my dear Arylett. We shall blame Nico. It was not my fault that I emit an aura of badassery that is never-ceasing. Nico had distracted me with his... odd display of excessive Niconess and made me emit my typical Zoopidedness. But let us not be too harsh on him, my dear mare. After all, he is Nico and he as well cannot help his unlimited blameability which comes with being intensely Nicotic."

Edited March 5, 2012 by Arylett Dawnsborough

[Zoop 8,384]

A strange manner of facial twitch formed upon Nico's nico-face as he listened to the insane ramblings of the horrible creature that sat across the table from him. Though he considered the arrogant and eccentric corn of ali a friend, he did occasionally find himself at his wit's end at the various times at which Zoop would quite randomly break into song. They were indeed dark times.

 

"Hold thy silvered tongue thou winged horn-rat! I shalt not suffer your impertinent... impertinence! I have done nothing to warrant such blame, nor have I done anything to warrant such song!" Nico spoke, voice rising with every word. "T'is not right, I say! And you - stop staring at me!" he yelled at the librarian, a purple unicorn mare that had poked her head out from around a corner to stare quizzically at the group.

 

Turning his attention back to Zoop, he continued his rant, at a further increased volume, all but screaming, "And honestly, Zoop, it's your fault we're stuck sitting here in this blasted library in the middle of nowhere - if you hadn't burned Phillydelphia to the ground on accident last week, we'd still be sitting pretty after our haul from the last job we did; but no, we're here in PONYVILLE of all accursed places!"

[Nico 790]

"I swear, Nico, do you ever stop whining?" Arylett lifted a book from a nearby shelf and flung it at the librarian peeking her head out. "And you, madam, would do well to mind your own business!" The mare ducked her head back as the book flew by.

 

"Zoop, I must say that, even with how much I love you and your voice, your singing does certainly make my eardrums feel a sudden urge to die. That being said, I do agree with Nico. Your rampant disregard for our safety when destroying Phillydelphia was very, well, unsafe! We could have been injured! Thank goodness that only the several hundred citizens were injured and not us!"

 

She turned her head to see the librarian sticking her head around the corner again. "Don't mind me, you two. I shall return in a moment, but for now I feel I must handle this rude eavesdropper personally!" Arylett left the table and trotted towards the pony, shouting at her. "You get out of here, now, you eavesdropping tramp!" She chased the librarian around the corner and out of sight of Nico and Zoop, continuing to yell.

Edited March 5, 2012 by Nico

[Arylett Charnoa 4,919]

The bald alicorn lifted up his very dishaired head at being addressed in such a manner. He could hardly believe his bald ears! His voice? Giving this fine mare's ears an urge to die? He completely disregarded everything else in her and Nico's sentences. All that mattered was that his singing voice was criticized! But it was the love of his life! What horrid sadness Zoop felt going through his heart as his wings sagged baldly.

 

"...My singing? It gives you, you very fine and beautacious mare, a certain urge to die? Why, how could this be?! My voice... it is the only mare I would ever hold bald-headed relations with! Because it is just as... as..." Oh, Zoop couldn't take it anymore! He HAD to sing. Even if it displeased the fine lady. Thus, his deep mannish voice exploded out smoothly into the ear drums of his cohorts, as he thought he needed to get the attention off of his wrong-doings.

 

"Why, why, my dear lady~! It is, Nico's fault that my voice gives you a certain urge to die! And I do apologize... for you do know... that I do... I meant... I cannot deny nor contain my explosive aura of bald force~! And thus, Fillydephia was destroyed! Because it could not handle my... my..." ZOOP! Another lazor beam came forth and destroyed an entire rack of books which were right next to Nico. He fluttered into the air again in the most masculine way possible as he saw that by the time he had landed, the mare had left and left him alone with Nico.

 

"Erm... Nico. Yes. Hello." It was always awkward when the fine lady had left him alone with the greatly toothed fellow.

Edited March 5, 2012 by Arylett Dawnsborough

[Zoop 8,384]

The color drained from Nico's nico-body as he listened to the insane ramblings of the thrice-damned Alicorn; though his friendship with Zoop was strong, his unstable and explosive nature was often a cause for concern, Nico thought, as he glanced at the priceless and ancient tomes that now lay reduced to a pile of smoldering ash.

 

"Yes, hello indeed. Jolly good bloody time we're having, aren't we? Burning cities and books, eardrums and hearts alike, we are. Is it not time for us to move along from this nonsensical idiocy that we now engage in? Three score and ten hours we have sat here within this accursed bumpkin library! And what do we have to show for it? Burned books, and frightened librarians!" Nico paused in his ranting, his nico-face crumpling into an angry scowl, before he violently applied said nico-face to the table with sufficient force to cause a small equestriaquake. "We need to plan our next move, contemplate our plans, and move to the next stage of our agenda!"

 

Getting up upon his four hooved legs, Nico stretched, cracking the various bones in his back as he did so, "we need action! Not words! Action! Action packed action! Full of action and ---- and ---- ACTION!"

[Nico 790]

"Young mare, can you explain to me why you are eavesdropping on us so rudely!?" Arylett walked towards the librarian who was backing away from her, a look of fear in her eyes.

 

"I was just-"

 

"Shut it, cur! Listen to me! Mark my words, if I catch you listening in on our conversation one more time I will destroy you on a molecular level! Nopony will have ever known the pain you shall feel as your body implodes within itself! You will rue the day that you crossed me!" Arylett's eyes began to glow a bright red as her horn grew alight with magical power. She lifted a globe off of a nearby desk and slammed it on the ground next to the mare. "Do I make myself clear!?"

 

The librarian nodded her head, her lips quivering. Suddenly Arylett heard someone, she assumed it was Nico, shout: "ACTION!" She turned around, lifting her head snobbishly, and began to canter back towards her friends. As she was about to round the corner she felt something tug on her tail. She turned around and glared menacingly at the purple mare biting and pulling on her tail.

 

The librarian unclenched her jaw from Arylett's tail. "Could you please ask your friends to be quiet? If you don't, I'll murder you! Stay out of my shed!" She smiled and walked away, no longer scared. Arylett's expression was that of extreme confusion. Shaking her head, she turned back and walked around the corner, returning to her friends.

[Arylett Charnoa 4,919]

Hearing the loud exchange from inside the room, Zoop turned his majestic head from Nico's nico-ramblings. Something about taking action? The corn of ali's mind had wandered onto Zoopaloops, his splendorous breakfast cereal made of pure 100% Zoopiness. He wondered why Nico did not eat Zoopaloops. Perhaps he would become of a less Nicotic nature if he consumed more in his diet and thus less blameable! He should encourage Nico to eat more Zoopaloops.

 

"Zoopaloops! Zoopaloops!" How many times could one say that word without it becoming old? Zero! He thought as he randomly shouted the name of his cereal. "Do you think, my dearest and most splendid friend Nico, that my cereal would be 20% cooler if we added the word "ACTION!" in full capitalization with an exclamation mark in a text of a crimson colour that the fine mare of our tritarious trio would enjoy? I believe it would cause her to consume more. Would you cease your consumption of Nic-Os and devour my Zoopaloops quite Zoopily and satisfactorily if I did?"

 

He gazed upon with his bald hairless stallion eyes at his pristine feminine companion as she trotted back into the room from having a typical fest of yelling at that inconsiderate librarian. She was apparently quite roused by this terrible mare, and Zoop stomped in her direction defensively. How dare anyone talk to such a beautiful young filly like that?! The Super Moderator's anger ROSE to HIGH ULTIMATE ZOOP LEVELS as he exploded all over the library, emitting more of his massive lazor beams in the direction of the doorway and destroying the table at which they had sat contemplating things.

 

"Yes... my dear Nico... IT IS TIME FOR ACTION! WE MUST DESTROY THIS MARE! That is our NEW GOAL, Nico!"

[Zoop 8,384]

Nico glanced incredulously at the mentally unhinged stallion that had, until moments prior, been emitting destructive beams of certain death. Nico shook his head, picking himself up from the floor in the far corner of the room that he had flung himself in a desperate bid to dodge the evil energies that Zoop had been emitting.

 

"Destroy the mare you say? Wonderful plan, that. Yes, let's go ahead and add cold-blooded murder to our list of crimes. We've already destroyed a city with fire and lasers, unintentionally poisoned the Manehattan water supply, burned half the bloody Everfree forest - and a nearby cottage - to the ground, caused a small riot at a Wonderbolt show, and ran out from a local bakery without being able to pay our fee! Do you really think that increasing our wanted level to three stars from two is the best course of action? I don't know about you, but I hardly want to spend the rest of my life hiding from the royal bloody guard!"

 

Nico trotted back toward the center of the library, gazing at the now-ruined table. "You need to calm your laser-spouting face! A generic-of-all-generic Earth pony like myself might be able to hide with some reasonable amount of success from the guard if it came down to it, but a bloody flooging alicorn such as yourself wouldn't have any such luck, unless you plan on snapping your horn off and filing it away!" pausing, Nico's nico-face took on a more contemplative look as he continued, "come to think of it, why the bloody hell are you an alicorn, anyway? Powerful though your magic may be, you hardly have the air of a God, if you were to ask me."

 

Nico sighed, and slumped down. "Actually, I don't think I want to know; given your horrible disposition you're probably a lab experiment gone wrong, or somesuch nonsense. Bloody horn-faced birdhorse. At any rate, Arylett, what is your opinion on our current predicament?"

[Nico 790]

Arylett stared in awe at Zoop, completely ignoring Nico for the moment. Her hair was frizzy and smoking slightly after one of Zoop's laser beams nearly hit her. "Do you realize just how unsafe it is that you just sit there and shoot your laser beams about like that? Control yourself, ruffian!" She turned her gaze to Nico, her glasses crooked, eye twitching. "What is my opinion on this? This is a damned nightmare, that's what it is!" She saw the librarian peeking around the corner behind Nico, a scowl on her face.

 

"Uh, everypony, I think we should probably be quiet." Her voice was shaky for a moment. Then she put on a confident face; a facade. "We wouldn't want her to overhear us, would we?" She plopped her flank onto the ground and looked up at her frazzled hair for a moment, jutting her lip out in a pouting manner. Taking a moment to primp herself with her magic, she attempted to fix her hair, with little success, and then re-aligned her glasses.

 

"I do believe we might want to move to a new locale. I feel that having that mare eavesdropping on us is something I don't want to deal with, not to mention the fact that Zoop wants to murder her even though he is the one who's actually destroying her library." She stood up and shook her head, dust flying from her fur. "So, shall we, far-from-gentlemen?"

[Arylett Charnoa 4,919]

Zoop tried to control himself using his baldness mantra methods of the religion of Zoopism he had once learned from his great mentor - himself! The great and old Zoop had been around since the dawn of time (27 years ago) and had taught himself and everypony every single thing there was to know. He had risen from the Unzoopish Hours of the Night to raise the universe from its atrociously Unzoopish state and into the glowing bask of shiny hairlessness.

 

Such thoughts made Zoop grin and shine his awe-inspiringly head at the unworthy ponies before him. Immediately, all of the fires caused by his powerful and still extremely massive Zooprays ceased as he hovered into the air for a moment, making an expression that suggested intense ecstasy and entering Zoop nirvana. He had completely forgotten his megalomaniacal urge to murder the malicious mare, and heard his godliness questioned. Nopony dares question the great Zoo-

 

Oh, it was the fair lady Arylett! In an unpleasant temperament from that terrible mare. Or perhaps it was her womanly nature that made her so emotional. As the only one of the finer sex of their trio, Zoop Aloops felt the need to be easier on her than Nico's untempered and disgruntled tongue. It was his fault anyway. Though Zoop did not want to give into Nico's irrational and inane ramblings, he saw that the delicate and tender female was disturbed by this purple and unslightly librarian and wanted to leave immediately.

 

"Very well. For the sake of our fine lady... and myself not causing anymore unpleasant disruptions in my rage, we shall leave. But Nico, I shall reply henceforth to thine queries. I am indeed not an experiment, but merely a great force that was formulated at the beginning of the universe 27 years ago..." And so, Zoop began to speak in a very long wall-of-text that shall not be detailed here as to how his religion of Zoopism was founded. A story he had reiterated to his two cohorts several times previously as he began to fly out of the room and attempt to use his absurdly overpowered Super Moderator magic to pull Nico away.

[Zoop 8,384]

Nico allowed himself to be removed from the library by the force of Zoop's mighty magic with naught but a token shred of resistance; it wasn't the first time that he had found himself being dragged about by Zoop, and he knew well at this point that attempting to break free would be an act of futility. He ignored Zoop's incoherent ranting as best he could as he was dragged out of the library into blistering cold of the winter night, glancing back as the librarian shot forth and slammed the door closed behind the three of them.

 

With a sigh, Nico turned to Arylett, "A new locale, you say? What a wonderful idea, that. Tell me my dear, where exactly shall we go? It's bloody damn near midnight, and I daresay we'll have a difficult time finding a new place of business to occupy on such short notice."

[Nico 790]

Arylett regarded Nico as if he were a foolish little foal. "Clearly, Nico, you don't know Ponyville very well! I know of an excellent place we can go just over yonder!" She pointed her dainty hoof towards a bridge nearby. "I know it's not the best of places to go, but it would at least provide us refuge from the snow, should it start to kick up."

 

She looked back and forth between the two before heaving out a sigh. "Okay, fine, going under a bridge isn't a good idea, and I don't know where else we could go, but the librarian threatened to kill me and I didn't know what else to do!" She sniffled a little and lay down on the ground, curling her hooves under her for warmth. "Now I'm really cold, so if either of you have any suggestions, I'd be glad to hear them. I don't believe I want to catch pneumonia out here!" She began to shiver, her teeth clacking together, as she continued to lay in the snow.

[Arylett Charnoa 4,919]

Zoop (Aloops as they called him in the Breakfast Studio) let forth a loud belch as he effortlessly dragged the weak Earth pony Nico with him. He had expected such... Nicoticness and doofishness out of the plain and greatly-toothed Nico, but NOT out of Arylett! Well... maybe out of her too. As a God of a glorious religion, he couldn't expect mere mortals to have the enormous breadth of knowledge that he did.

 

"My fellow amigos, if I might provide you with a brief interlude to your mortallic antics, going to the bridge is not necessary!" He spread out his mighty bald wings, which was renowned to be the second largest wingspan out of any pony. (The bald alicorn damned that blasted Celestia for having larger wings than him. How was it necessary for a Princess to have bigger wings than freaking Zoop?) Of course, as he did so, he felt a spasm of song go through him...

 

"I will spread my wings and flyyyyy~ Into the skyyyy! Zoopadeedoo da zoopa dee daaaayyy! By the Night of the Graceful Luna, I will sooooooaaaarrrrr into the staaaarrssss! And I will drag Nico by the hooovvess with my ZOOOOP!!!" He unleashed a powerful burst with a loud Zoopish noise at Nico from his horn, explosively attempting to lift the earth pony into the air, but instead missing and hitting a tree... which for some reason is made of crystal. (one of many crystal trees planted by Zoop himself at the beginning of the universe) The burst rebounded on Zoop himself, and he was hit!

 

"NOOO! MY WINGS! MY GLORIOUS WINGS! AAAOOWOOOWOWOWO~" Zoop sang the painspasms from his soul into the darkened snow of the night, as his wings were injured somehow and the rest of him was completely intact from the blast. Meaning... Zoop Aloops... was reduced to the state of a mere UNICORN! "NOOOOO!"

Edited March 12, 2012 by Arylett Dawnsborough