writing an all out book

[Remyx Marshall 51]

here's an excerpt. tell me what you think. 

 

Chapter Five

 

     Alone. 

     That's the first thing that registers in Twilight's mind as she slips into consciousness. The darkness is noticed shortly after, when she opens her eyes.

     "Hello?" she calls out, her voice noticeably hoarse, but gets no reply. 

     She has no idea where she is, or how she got there. She doesn't even know what happened. In fact, the only things she remembers are her friends, her studies, and her name.

     Still wondering where she is, she stands shakily and stretches. Then she gets a thought in her head. 

     Patting the top of her head, she finds her crown missing. Did I even have it in the first place? she thinks as she searches the cold stone floor around her. Realizing that fumbling around in the darkness is getting her nowhere, she tries to shed light on the situation.

     Using her magic, Twilight casts a faint green glow, entrapping herself in a protecting sphere of light. Looking around, she sees that her sphere does not stretch as far as she had hoped. Her magic is weak.

     Eager to find some answers, she takes a couple steps deeper into the darkness, dragging her light with her.

     "Hello?" she tries again, clearing her throat. "Where am I? How did I get here? I need answers!!" Enraged, she screams into the darkness, squeezing her eyes shut in the process. Dropping to the floor, she begins to sob. Tears stream down her face as she opens her eyes again.

     Her light is brighter. It must have happened when she screamed. But something else is different about her light. It has turned a bluish green, like the color of the sea.

     Surprised, she ventures into the darkness. 

     But she's not alone.

 

So that's chapter five. Thank you for reading, and remember to tell me what y'all think.

[Unikitty 1,211]

Not bad. Not enough there to get a full grip on the content, but it looks written well enough.

 

There is a few glaring issues, however. The first one being indentation. There's far too much of it. Indents are designed to help keep your place while reading. When they become the majority, it removes the whole point of having sentences indented. It just ends up making it more complicated to read in general.

 

Secondly is the commas and periods. Again, there's far too many of them. I understand not wanting to run sentences for far too long, but too short is just as big of a problem. It has me stopping constantly, which is very distracting and makes the reading process very jagged.

Aside from those, it looks pretty good. The grammar is solid and proper and the choice of words appeal. Having the italics also looks quite nice and is used rather well.
I would suggest making chapters rather lengthy, however, as this is only a few paragraphs in length. Great for short stories - but those rarely require actual chapter defining.

Edited May 29, 2014 by Unikitty

[Remyx Marshall 51]

Thank you. Actually, I'm sort of following in James Patterson's footsteps and writing really short chapters, but a lot of them. as for the indents, i wasn't entirely sure where to put them, as i just wrote straight across in my notebook. There will be more of my book, starting from chapter one, when I have the time.

[Graveyard Duck 150]

A chapter should ideally be an entire, self-contained story by itself, with its own sort-of introduction, buildup, climax, and falling action. A small scene usually isn't enough to constitute a chapter. But it's pretty good writing! Definitely keep going and keep refining.

[Remyx Marshall 51]

Of course. I will. In case you were wondering, I threw in i think pretty much all of my OCs to make the story interesting. If you weren't wondering... Well, it's still good to know.