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碇 シンジン

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Blog Entries posted by 碇 シンジン

  1. 碇 シンジン

    Feeling

    By 碇 シンジン ,

    How does it feel after you die? You might say nothing if you're not religious but what exactly is that nothing?
    It certainly is not something that You can experience in life so what is it? Closest might be when you are sleeping but when you think about it it's not really close at all.
    So how it feels when there is nothing that can be felt or nothing that can feel. Is everything just wiped out? Is there anything beyond the flesh in what makes humans humans? If so what happens when you remove it? 
    I thirst for knowledge but it is not possible for you to obtain it before you die yourself. That is where religion comes into play. It creates a belief based scenario where there isn't anything solid evudence wheter it is true or not. It is the reason why people often don't see death for what it really is. As it really isn't anything. Death doesn't have any meaning in it. People have created some random meanings and attached them to it but truth is you can't really say anything about death because no one knows anything about it.
    It really is interesting trying to wrap your head around the concept because the nature of the concept itself is incomprehensible.
  2. 碇 シンジン

    Humans

    By 碇 シンジン ,

    What is a human? a single consciousness sparked within the body? You are only one in this world what you see is completely different from what anyone else sees humans cannot transfer or express their experience to others reliably, you can try but you will never know how the other person experiences things.
    The existence of single consciousness is pretty insignificant and what humans call life is pretty overrated concept as it doesn't really add to anything significantly. 
    Without taking any stance on what happens after death it is pretty clear that the meaning in the life that we are living is non-existent outside of yourself. In the end humans are just wild animals that roam these lands spreading weird nonsense about life and what life should be. There really isn't any life to begin with. Only you are there.
    You should know yourself but most are blinded by the concept of life to really understand the underlying concept that is all about yourself. 
  3. 碇 シンジン
    I have no idea what is going on with me rn it's like  when I joined here the first time but this time it's the 3rd time first was 2014-2016 second was 2016-2018 and now is tbe third i didnt even realize it had started already 2018-???
    This is getting out of control pretty quickly but I hope that now as I've seen it I can start doing something in order for it to calm a little
    Look there may have been some red flags somewhere but I've paid them no mind. The foreshadowing was there from like 2015 forwards. I should've been more ready for this but I wasn't.
    But now I'm already knee deep in this garbage and it's getting deeper so what ever happens in not getting myself out of here atleast not in a relatively quick fashion. It may screw everything else that is going on but I'll handle those when they are relevant.
    PEACE OUT BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND WHOEVER IS READING. THIS ARTICLE WAS PUBLISHED ON THE WEB BY THE DEPARTMENT OF COMMUNICATIONS AND PUBLIC SERVICES OF myself.
  4. 碇 シンジン

    Stability

    By 碇 シンジン ,

    A stable environment, unchanging landscape situations that happen in your home ground. It is comfortable and safe you know your surroundings and they remind you that it is alright. They calm your senses and be there when you need something to reflect yourself off of.
    You wake up and follow the path that is your favoured path you can almost feel the ground reinforcing you and your steps, you are on the right track.
    You lift your fork and start eating breakfast it is your usual breakfast but this time you have something extra. Last night when you were walking around your house, you saw it, an unfamiliar path. 
    It has been there since the beginning but it's not like the others it feels different, you can almost see the difference radiating in the air.
    You need to break through your track to reach it but that doesn't happen. You start to wonder why is that. You look your left arm and for some reason it doesn't feel familiar at all.
    Something is not right, it must be the unfamiliar path, I shouldn't have fallen into its vile tricks. But going back is not an option anymore.
    Your body tenses up as you hack your way through this jungle, nothing was like it was before. You sense danger looming everywhere around you. 
    You are lost you don't know where you are anymore this place was not like this last time you laid your eye on it. You look at your left arm again. You suddenly see arm and it appears to be moving. It doesn't feel natural it feels like it's supposed to be your arm but it isn't.
    Someone else must be out there. It must be. You don't really want to go any deeper into the forest so you want to trace back your steps and find solid ground under your feet again.
    But your body doesn't move. You look your left arm again but now you see it clearly it is completely unfamiliar it doesn't look like it belongs here. 
    Suddenly you hear something who is it you think but before you realize it all goes black. You open your mouth and put the first bite of your breakfast in.
  6. 碇 シンジン

    Blur

    By 碇 シンジン ,

    In recent months I've noticed increasing amount of blur in how I sense myself and everything else around me. Its almost feeling like everything is slipping through my hands without me being able to grasp them. Sensing myself as an individual being and a part of this world becomes more difficult because of this. I cannot match the present beings into how I sense them so placing myself in an environment becomes pretty difficult.
    What I am left with is basically a feeling where I am nowhere as I was not able to place myself into a given situation then usually doing something won't really result in anything as I have basically lost myself in the process.
    Currently I'm not really sure what all of this means or how I should deal with it but if this continues into this direction and things will become even more blurred I'm not sure how it would affect further into my perception of myself and everything else as it already feels like it's unstable.
    At times it feels like I don't really even live in this world and that I live in somewhere else entirely. That might be a result of me rejecting myself and the reality as it is and deleting it from myself around 5 years ago.
    All of this has become pretty difficult situation within myself.
     
  7. 碇 シンジン

    Scared

    By 碇 シンジン ,

    Dunno who I am trying to fool Here as I haven't really changed much at all from those times I just threw my old mask in the trashcan and made a new one like I've always done.
    Hiding behind something else because I'm too afraid to come out. Trying to act tough or caring when in reality I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of this world and people in it I've always been scared  and i thought these days i been able to move on but now I see that I been lying to myself and everyone else.
    I haven't been able to move anywhere I'm still in the same spot I was in when I joined here and even before that.
    What has happened is that I have been able to figure out what is going on with me. And the truth of the matter is that I'm scared but I haven't been able to accept that as I bottled up my feelings and emotions trying to get rid of them. I was running away. I couldn't face myself or my own issues. I couldn't face my fear of everything.
    I don't know what direction I will end up from now on and I don't really care  what I do care about right now is that I have been able to feel more at ease by writing this 
     
  8. 碇 シンジン
    Is your own awareness of your existence the force that enables us to exist in the first place? So would you disappear if you would destroy your own awareness of your existence and everything that is related to that. So basically if you take away everything that enables you to justify your own existence do you exist at all?
    I think that its true at least to the limits of this world. you know what that state is being called? its death
    What i think is that to be able to be unaware of your existence you have to exist to justify being unaware of it. So what i am saying is that these bodies are just puppets that we experience our existence with. if the puppets strings are cut it "dies" so when you die you cannot experience the individuality of this existence through the body anymore. But there has to be someone pulling the strings there and you know who that is right? that is basically the God which is basically another version of yourself.
    You yourself are only one fragment of a larger collective existence that is currently experiencing all the lives of every human that lives or has lived every fragment is fooled into thinking that it is an individual entity from the whole, when basically everything that exists is the same. in the end There is only one thing that exists ánd that is you.
    So what is the goal of all this nonsense the goal is for you to become an individual within this non individualistic collective system of existences and basically absorb everything that is into yourself  and with that become your own collective entity while still staying a part of the original entity. Sort of like this

  9. 碇 シンジン
    No wonder I keep coming back here time and time again. Feels like every other place is like a freaking battleground where there is constant strife for survival. I cannot handle those kind of environments.
    What I need is soft mellow and calm ground for me to reestablish myself and breath in. A safe spot where the atmosphere is something that I believe that I can tolerate up to some extent. 
    Something I also need is to escape from everything that is going on. It's too much to take in all of that and I've been struggling these days because I've not been able to get out enough.
    The things just seep into my mind and make their way in without asking me and I can't stop them unless I'm prepared for that. What that requires is solid foundation of mind and non clouded vision. But the longer I struggle without clearing the table the harder it gets.
    I haven't been able to discover the whole truth of my situation but it feels like this community is different than the others and because of that I can partly escape the other communities by coming into here.
    My view is mostly location based which means that I tie the aspects of my experiences, the communities and the overall atmospheres mostly in locations. Those locations and their combined feelings are a tool for me to reassert my self on a given situation in that location.
    What I am saying is that I don't really feel that this site as a location has really much or any ties to the real world or people in there for me. That is basically what I established this site as when I joined here and I was in need of something like that.
    Back then it was a bubble. An illusion that I was willingly letting myself into. These days it's more like a medicine that I take but the end result is similar.
    What happens is that I am reliving partly the illusion that I was able to establish in the past to escape the world today as it is when I am not able to control my own feelings that are resulted from the experiences related to the world that I have experienced.
    However it's not particularly that simple as I am still not fully able to accept myself as a part of the illusion that I was under back then because of that I destroyed the illusion i had back then about a year ago when my internal conflict was at it's peak. That destruction produced two separate illusions as it's result and they are not inclusive to each other.
    So While I am able to maintain semi calm state here using this location as a tool to escape from other locations. Lingering around here long enough will give rise to that other illusion which I originally was unable to accept and since the two illusions cannot coexist in my current state it starts a conditional conflict in myself which in turn destabilizes my current state and I need to move again to get myself in order.
    Recently I've been able to find an alternative method of escape in which I utilize the form of Japanese produced animation in which some genres are able to draw me in particularly well which in turn enables a better means of escape for me.
    However a failure to keep up with that results in a feeling like what I am experiencing currently.
  10. 碇 シンジン
    Sometimes it feels like that I am losing control of my own foundation that i've laid out for myself in these past years.Someone creeps up from out of nowhere and suddenly its like i am nowhere to be found. Nothing just nothing. Nothing is everything that i am able to to get out of myself those times. Its like a complete standstill like multiple entities are in there but when i check it out its really isnt anything. 
    Last time i was standing in that situation i was able to do things like normal but i couldnt really do things in the end after all even when i did. Partly it feels like my sense of self is disappearing from my grasp. Everything just clicks in place at that moment rendering my sense of individuality into nothingness. I become just like an another cog in the machine...
    i can trace back the causes of this occurence when i look at the methods that i've adapted into myself during the last 2 years, some of them play quite essential role in this matter, but i am unable to figure out if it is a good thing or a bad thing. 
    is Nothing just as good as everything? something that i've been trying to figure out for a while. If i can control myself in a manner that allows me to manipulate my own feelings and decisions that rise from those feelings. Is it better to manipulate them or just do nothing?
    This whole fiasco feels like i've stuck myself into manual breathing for the rest of my life. But is that good or bad thing? Should i be able to decide what is good and what is bad? who gets to decide that? Why i dont feel like i have any foundation on those things anymore?
    Things around me feel even more abstract these days that they felt like couple years back. 
  11. 碇 シンジン

    Half a month

    By 碇 シンジン ,

    I need an outlet to pour out myself in order for me to confirm that I exist. If I don't have that outlet I feel that myself that is residing inside of me starts to get restless as it cannot confirm it's own state of being. Thàt feeling is bit like the feeling I was talking about earlier but it isn't the same.
    It puts me pretty much in some kind of bind and I render myself useless because of that. Feeling like there is something that I should be doing but there really isn't anything so I don't do anything 
    Feels like an escape is the only way for me to break out from this position and that is what has been keeping me going these days mainly. I can't deal with myself so I escape by watching anime 
    I haven't watched lot today which I think is one reason of my weird feeling now I don't even feel like I am who I am right now it feels like some other force controls my body at times and I'm just fooling myself thinking that it's me. Or maybe it's the other way around.
    Maybe that is me but now someone else is writing this . 
     
  12. 碇 シンジン
    When I think about it is it even possible that something could have always existed. It doesn't feel natural it feels like there should always be some kind of catalyst or something that enables the existence of the thing in question.
    What I am talking about is the existence in itself it doesn't feel right if you say that it has always existed. But it doesn't feel right if you say that God created it either since who created the God then.
    Only conclusion that I am able to come up with right now is that there is some kind of paradox which allows the existence of existences what I mean is that there must be some kind of existence outside of the linearity of this existence and that state of existence should be accessible to us at some point in order for everything to work correctly.
    To make better sense of that and applying it into our current existence I think that we are currently inhabiting two layers of existences. One linear and one nonlinear. Currently we experience ourselves through the linear layer but our attachment to the nonlinear layer must be there for everything to make sense.
    What I think is going on is basically our nonlinear existences for together our current existence collectively inside of them. The idea of individualism and expression comes as a byproduct of this linear existence which allows the collective entity that forms everything to basically assume multiple instances of itself through every individual that it manifests itself into.
    Using that as a starting point I think that when moving forward our goal as individuals is to individualize ourselves as a new collective entity assuming the old one into our individualized self and separate ourselves from the old and form a new layer of existence beginning the cycle again from the start. 
  13. 碇 シンジン
    It doesn't take much for me to reach my limit these days, the feeling starts from near my stomach and crawls upward I can feel the pressure creeping up on me .
    It is not good feeling for me and it has really been only a matter of time before it comes again.
    I identify myself through my display name and avatar here and because of that more the time passes the more they accumulate pressure from the experiences that I've had here. At some point it grows too big for me to keep under control and that is why I need to start over.
    The feeling changes pretty quickly after I've separated myself from the old identifiers which brings me into somewhat peaceful state 
    It's not probably the best way to handle this kind of situation but I want to be able to move forward.
    I'd like to be able to use my old name here one day again and feel comfortable doing so.
     
    Though that is only how I see it atm what really is going on might be completely different 
  14. 碇 シンジン
    It is in our nature that things that other people do affect us. Or so I thought until I started investigating deeper the reasons why do I feel the way I do in certain situations.
    I found out that it is you yourself who is allowing those things to affect you, everything starts from yourself. Every feeling and affection that seems to come from somewhere else has its roots in yourself.
    Now how do fix myself if I don't like the way I feel about something.
    To do that you'll need to be able learn to control and see yourself, your emotions, feelings and understand from where they are coming from. After that you'll be able to observe the process as it works and see exactly what is going on with you.
    To be able to control your feelings I think starts from observing your current feelings and what affects them and I think one big factor that is affecting how you feel about things is the importance and effort you devote into different things. 
    Effort and importance two things that you can control pretty easily I think are the first step to conquer moving toward controlling yourself completely.
    One good rule to remember is to not to give importance or waste effort on things that aren't relevant to your current state of being or situation.
    Which brings us to the second point of the subject the situations. To be successful in a given situation some importance and effort are needed so how can you manage yourself if those turn against you?
    The answer is situational sequencing and backseat perspective on the situation.
    Firstly it is important to change your perspective to so called backseat perspective which allows wider and more objective approach to the situation. While you have this perspective activated plan is to sequence multiple instances of yourself parallel to each other into that situation to gather the overall information on what is going on in the situation. Which in turn allows you to act according to that information and allows managing yourself even when giving out importance and spending effort.
     
  15. 碇 シンジン
    I got more excited than i expected from the stats of the MLPF world cup so I decided to look up the polls on the Show discussion topics
    https://mlpforums.com/forum/3-show-discussion/
    there from all the episodes and calculate a score to each character based on the score the episodes got from those polls. What i did was to get score for each episode the polls had 5 choices so every vote in lowest option was -2 points then -1, 0, +1, and best option +2 points divided the total by the number of total votes and got the score of the episode.
    To get the character scores I got the average from the characters screentime % from the total screentime of each episode and the average speaking lines % from the total lines from each episode then multiplied the episode score with the average from those percentages also multiplied by 100. After that summed athe scores for each character together and counted the average score per episode where the character was present.
    I didnt count in the characters with less than 4 appearances between seasons 1-5

     
    I might add seasons 6-8 into this if i have the time
  16. 碇 シンジン
    I decided to redo the old skin I did for the site though its merely just a recolor but i guess its good enough if you like purple =)  If some one wants to check it out https://userstyles.org/styles/141649/mlp-forums-purple-2-0
    to use it you need download stylish from https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/stylish-custom-themes-for/fjnbnpbmkenffdnngjfgmeleoegfcffe
     
    Original version
     
  17. 碇 シンジン
    I been thinking about this and I think I want to share my views with people they are still somewhat work in progress but if you have some input then say it.
    So to the questioñ What is life? What is the purpose of our existence? Who are we? Why we are here? Why we are like this? What is going on here?
    I'll try to answer those questions from my own point of view and from what I believe through my research and thinking. Let's lay out some base points here:
    first. I created my belief on basis that everything that exists has to have some kind of significance. So basically if something exists it has to be true up to some extent or contain at least something that can be used or leveraged as a part of your growth. And by exists I mean everything even ideas on peoples head.
    Second: I think that the goal of everything is to move forward/grow/gain more information. That is the base of existence if something doesn't move forward it cannot exist at all it is not possible.
    Third: I think the key to growth and that way existing is work. And I don't mean like physical work I mean work in a sense that physical or spiritual energy is being used so basically everything that requires you to use up energy is work which in turn moves your forward. 
    Fourthly: everything in my theory leverages quite heavily on christianity as that is the religion that I've had most experiences with. That in mind I still believe that every religion and non religion  has some significance as they couldn't exist if that wasn't the case.
    So what is life? To put it simply I would say that it is our first step in a bigger staircase. I think that what we are currently experiencing is our spirit controlling the flesh that is our body. 
    The goal of this life I think is for the spirit to become one with the flesh. To achieve that I think the key is to work focusing your flesh and spirit to one and that way moving forward. 
    But our life is just one step in our way of growing and moving forward as an existence. That leads us to question What is the purpose of our existence?
    I think that after becoming one with our flesh and spirit  next step is to start becoming one with everything else that exists. Basically absorbing everything into yourself so it exists within yourself but it still exists as separate entity as Well. 
    After you've became one with everything in this plane of existence you must rid yourself from this plane of existence that you exist within and become your own plane of existence while .still being part of the original plane.
    Next you are able to create your own universe inside if yourself and there you will be able to create existences by shattering yourself into pieces staying still whole thus creating your own mankind. 
    In there a single existence might have similar experience as you are having right now as I think what we are right now is actually a part of that kind of bigger existence in this infinite loop of growth and moving forward.
    There is still more to it but that is kinda the general point on what I believe in.
  18. 碇 シンジン

    2

    By 碇 シンジン ,

    It has become more and more clear to me that there is something going on with me regarding this site and my feelings on here.
    Mostly during the day I feel extremely uncomfortable here for no apparent reason just being here and looking the site is enough this isn't constant it's more like wavy where suddenly the wave of uncomfortableness hits and then I need to close the site because on that then after some time it evens out and I come back and it is fine for some time but the wave comes again after some time.
    Then after a day full of that and I'm tired too tired to hold my composure it starts to shatter and suddenly all these criticisms on behaviour on that state start to appear. Especially when  I'm on this site. It doesn't really feel like these feelings originate from the same starting point at all.
    I think that I cannot really figure out who I am supposed to be here or am I something else entirely. This game has gone on for so long that I don't really know what is going on anymore. I'm maybe thinking too much into this. But I can't really help but to question and notice the way I act.
  19. 碇 シンジン
    am i here right now just because i was here back then? or would i be here regardless of that?
    I just cant shake it off couple days back i went to talk to ziggy just because of that. it feels like im here now just because i was here back then. I have no value at present im just here because of who i was back then and i cant get it off of me.
    I really dont want to throw it all away but is it really for the better for me to be here just for the sake of living in my memories?  am i just keeping myself here lying to myself that it is the same as it was back then when it really isnt. everything is different.
    all other people have moved forward but it feels like i havent or i have but only partially. I still long for those days when i came here and everything i liked was there it was jsut beautiful. I felt the connection I felt that what i did actually resonated to something. it wasnt just empty clatter. 
    the bonds that were there were holding me together. but then it was all gone just like that. i tried to keep it going but it wasnt there anymore so nothing was going on there. at that point forward i was trying to hold into something that actually even wasnt there.
    I couldn't accept that it wasnt there. Something that i built myself as a part of is just gone now. 
    after some time i saw what i was doing and tried to escape from it but i see now that it was too late  i had lived in the false dream of keeping  it there for too long  it wasnt something i could just discard anymore.
    Perhaps it had become a part of me and who i was.perhaps there even wasnt anything in the first place and it all was in my head. maybe everything was a lie made up by myself to make me feel that there was actually something..
     
    i dont really have anything here anymore but i am still here because of what happened back then it meant too much for me and it is too big part of me to just leave it and go on or atleast i think it is.
     
    maube i jsut wish that one day i can relive the moments that i longed for back then but i doesnt seem like it is possible anymore. yet i dont care about that i just come here and everything i see reminds me of how it was back then and how it cant be like that for me anymore.
    its like its already over for me im just on the sidelines watching everyone else enjoy. anything that i hold  always leads me back to how it was back then and how it cannot be anymore. It kinda destroys the whole purpose of me being here at all. but i still come here and  feel it.
    im still here writing this even though this amounts to nothing i just dont know anything else that i can do at this point
    I probably could and should start over forget all about that crap and move on. but why would i even be here if i did that. If it wasnt for what i did back then there wouldnt be anything. its why i really dont know what i should do about this place anymore
    if i hadnt engulfed myself so deeply in here back then everything would be easier. 
  20. 碇 シンジン

    Broken

    By 碇 シンジン ,

    I haven't felt like this in a while it's like an empty feeling though I really cannot say what is empty and what isn't sometimes my personality feels completely different and sometimes it feels like I don't have any personality at all? Am I really alright? Or am I holding myself hostage? Maybe what I think I am ist really me and that is actually someone else and I am somewhere else entirely? Or am i hiding in the background? Is all of this a conscious choice that I'm not aware of ?
    It seems like my sense of self is kinda strongly established during the day but some things around me are fracturing that identity these days and the later it gets the more uncertain I become about everything. 
    It feels like there is a constant struggle in my head some days I cannot really come up with anything those days and doing anything is kinda a hard stretch it just doesn't feel like anything.
    Somethings compel me to act certain ways but do I really act like that myself? Or is that something that because someone else was acting on my behalf like that and now I cannot distinguish them from myself anymore?  
    Can other people really act as Me? Or am I creating those people myself? If I am are they different people from me or do they really count as Me? 
    Even simple tasks sometimes require lot of work before I can complete them but some days I can complete them like they were nothing. Is the person who is completing the tasks me? Do I have difficulty completing them or not? 
    Why I can't act like I want to act I only act certain ways on certain situations but sometimes it feels like it's going completely against my own will? Am I really in control of my actions? Who is the one controlling them? 
    I can't really make any sense of it. Who I was a year ago for example am I now the same being that I was or was the me year ago someone else entirely? Did I even exist back then? 
    Everything in me feels just so fragmented the things I do sometimes contradict each other and it's like when I'm under certain "mindset" it feels like it's not whole me who is in charge. The differences in myself are just growing and I can't seem to unite myself.
    It would feel better sometimes I could just break up into like 5 different individuals
  21. 碇 シンジン
    I once tried women's jacket on on the store it was tight and small even though it was the largest there was after that things haven't been really the same I kinda lost my touch on the clothing as I felt I was being discriminated by the system not allowing me to decide myself and categorizing certain products only for certain individuals.
    After that I realized that everything that has been drilled into me is reinforcing this false premise and that certain individuals are meant to be like that while others are not it was like our life has been decided by the system already when we were born.
    This thought train has carved itself deeply into the society and it has gained tremendous amount of influence over people to a such extent they they are not even able to make their own decisions as they base everything on those premises laid out for them by the society and the system.
    Some people really aren't even aware who they are or that they in fact are not just dome entities here to produce the consecutive  will of the system based on those premises.
  22. 碇 シンジン
    Note: I dont mention any names in this text because im not sure if i can face myself but if you know me you know what im talking about
     
    i dont really know what happened but somehow im feeling that im drifting away from something that i shouldnt drift away from ? its like wanting to hold onto something but still move forward? i think i've been testing the waters for about year or a half now and  its starting to feel that i've kinda lost myself in the process and it feels kinda uncomfortable.
    Part of the reason that i been more active here these days is that i been trying to get a hold of myself but the more i come across the things i used to do the more it kinda conficts with the way i do them now and im not really sure which way of doing things is for the better?
    Am i really the person who i used to be anymore at the same time it feels that i am but it also feels that i am not and im not really. But I dont really like the reasoning that i gave myself to do all these things. I've been trying to lie myself and try to start over and hide from myself and i kinda played along for awhile but now i see how messed up that was and at the end nothing feels right anymore? 
    but was all this for the better? did i grow from all of this? perhaps but i cannot undo all the crap that happened. One thing is for sure and that is that im still too insecure about myself to really act the way i would like to at certain times. I cave into my own pressure or create some kind of illusion where i live because i cant face the things as they are.
    Here is how it all started
    I didnt really mean anything to happen but  as time went on i suppose i started believing my own lies and it kind of a created the root of the whole situation that is going on with me .At heart i didnt truly accept anything i denied myself because of what i expected the expectations would be  for a while i i didnt act at all i wasnt going either way it was a standstill this was early 2014 as i learned more about who i am through channel of discoveries through exploration of myself i liked it and didnt want anything else to interfere. So i shut off everything else and put 100% into this new thing that was giving me joy. It was an illusion a bubble i realized it soon enough but because things were working out i didnt want it to change.
    The time went on and i grew more and more attached to the illusion and it really started to derail my emotional balance which i had been trying to keep intact about those times i realized that i cant keep it together any longer. so i started the damage control and widened the foundation and shared the resources so everything doesnt focus on the same  section it started slowly but but after some time both sections were operating  and well  things were going well in the illusion again i regained myself and i was able to continue. 
    After some time though the growth on both sections was not stopping and it was taking significant resources to keep it going and i knew that i couldnt keep them both as i didnt have the capacity to keep them both alive then i decided that i would go with the more stable one and let the other slow down a bit this was around 2016 or something as it slowed down i kinda started losing the illusion i kept in there aswell. I couldnt get back in there anymore it would never be like it was back then  i realized that and i didnt know what to do.
    Some time passed and i started really get uncomfortable because my illusion wasnt there as  strongly as before  i started doubting myself and the illusion.  after that i desided to separate the illusion and myself for good but now the place was truly lost for me  i didnt have anything there anymore. everything was in that illusion. i had only the other section to keep me going . but deep down i couldnt really give up the illusion it had established a big part of me and i didnt really know anything better of myself  so at this point i kinda started losing myself aswell  and the rift between the illusion and the new me became even deeper. It has become even more unclear to me who i am? and does the illusion or new me even define who i am? 
     
  23. 碇 シンジン
    This episode has been kind of a stepping stone for me as it partly displays something that I've been running away from. 
    I would say that the episode is good on general perspective but on personal level it is more difficult as it has elements that I started watching MLP to run away from.
    That is why it's harder than usual for me to watch the episode and I don't know when I am able to do it. As it would require acknowledging things that I've denied in the past to keep myself in more safe environment.
    I know I can't keep this bubble intact forever though I'm not sure if it's time or am I strong enough to move forward.
  24. 碇 シンジン
    I tried but looks like i wont be able to be as active these days as i used to be back then even if i wanted to, its not the same and im not the same anymore  back then that was what i needed but these days its not something that i am willing to go through again as it was also pretty straining on me and my emotional health. 
    Stabilizing myself and my emotions has been somewhat successful when i took the break from here and i feel quite content about it now, my presence here was something that i miss but also i think it went bit too far at some points. I committed too much energy and emotion here and it caused me to be in kind of a rollercoaster emotionally. but it is something that i learned from since  that was my first time when I participated in a forum and actually communicated with people.
    I feel grateful for everyone that i've encountered here and i hope i will continue to meet many people here and learn from them as i've been able to learn from the ones that i've already met here 
  25. 碇 シンジン

    art

    By 碇 シンジン ,

    what i really enjoy about Rarity art and art in general is that when i see young or beginning artists put the effort and passion in their craft, it is truly something so special and pure, and for me that is something i value in visual art, it is the passion and that something that tells me that they tried that really hits the spot for me, they may not be  very good pieces by technical measures, but i dont think that really matters as i think the thought behind the whole thing is the key and the most important thing when you are doing art in general.
    what i've also observed that for me the younger artists are more free with their presentation and arent suppressed by limits like how something should be presented for example, i've gone through this myself and it is tough for me to sometimes really break the boundaries and be free with my art again. 
    It wasnt always this way at first when i started browsing the art of Rarity and ponies I was only looking the art on the surface and i was far more critical, but as i watched more and more art and interacted with the artists i could really start seeing the art beyond the surface and it really started speaking to me on another level 
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