Pastel Heart

I was able to return. And as promised, I will now come clean. No more hiding.

The reasons for my various breakdowns, depressing comments, disappearances have not been random. For awhile I've been saying how circumstances in my life have caused me to lose this and that. I was afraid of saying anything in fear that she may find out, or something may happen that makes things even worse. But after being isolated for awhile and thinking, I don't wanna be afraid anymore. So here it is.

For the last 8 months, I have been abused by my older sister/caretaker. Emotionally, financially, and to a degree, physically. I have been subjected to humiliation, demeaning language, name calling, demoralization, hits to my self esteem, my head being shaved to conform to my biological sex, deadnaming, threats, manipulation and many other things. As well as financial; any money that goes to me, when it ever does, goes to her. In addition, she has restricted my access to the internet, what programs, movies and TV I can watch, as well as grueling workout regiments that have taken a toll on my body and my self esteem. I only eat one meal a day; two if I'm lucky, and I'm only able to eat what I'm given. There has been some physical abuse, a slap and a full body shake (I'm a small frame), as well as threats of beatings. Empty threats, hopefully. I have lost a lot of weight since I've been here, to a point where it's personally uncomfortable for me. She has made me feel worthless, weak, afraid and my self esteem is rock bottom. This isn't family. Love shouldn't hurt. Even "tough love". Some things here have already been known by the most trusted of my friends, but now, I guess everyone knows. This is what has happened to me, and as we speak I am looking for ways to escape without ending up homeless. I was able to put up with much of the abuse, hoping that someone, somewhere would help me. After being deprived of internet for days on end, having basically NO ONE to reach out to as a result and eroding mentally, it was the straw that broke the camels back. And I still have that hope. It's a matter of when and where. Do not be alarmed, my life is not in danger. But my sanity and potential livelihood very much is... though you could say that an endangered livelihood is an endangered life too.

The good thing is, I've spoken to and am still reaching out to hotlines and discreet resources working on a way to get away safely without living on the street, and am listening closely for potential neighbors or friends who can help me

This has also all helped me realize something. When I am able to come back here, and see the love I've made and the friends I've bonded with, I've figured out what true happiness is. Happiness isn't what you can buy, accomplishing something huge, taking over the world... happiness is being able to smile, laugh and relax with the people you love and care for. Who accept you for who you are. The love you make is equal to the love you take, a Beatles song goes. And that is why it's important to say how much I care about and love the people I've come to, and have loved me as I am. 

I'll make some individual mentions, but don't feel bad if you're not here; I'm pressed for time to post this in case I get cut off again. I'm always up for DMs.

@Dynamo Pad My light, my love. Has stood by me through all this and has literally saved my life. I dream of the day I can be far away and by your side. For now, we RP and dream. ♡

@Stone Cold Steve Tuna Has been like a big brother, one of  the most supportive and kindest people ever. You deserve happiness too.

@GeneralDirection RPs, buying me gifts when it wasn't necessary, complaining about things that annoy us, you're one of my  best friends and you don't give yourself enough credit.

@Treeglow Flicker  I admire you so much. You inspired me to come out as trans on the forums and I hope I can be as strong and kind as you.

@TheRockARooster One of my first friends here. I love confiding in  you and discussing wrestling, one of my few passions. ♡

@Thuja Another very brave  person I admire. Stay amazing~

@Derpsieh Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I've never bonded with someone so quickly and easily as I have with you. When you come back I hope you see this and know I appreciate you.

@Samurai Equine You're so supportive, kind, and the RP we  joined together introduced me to many fun times and the love of my life. Thank you. And even if i disappear for awhile  I know I'll have lots of fun to read up on and I know my characters will be used awesomely!

@Bastian In you I see myself when I was happier. If only we met at a different time we coulda been thick as thieves. I love discussing politics  and Cuba, a country I've always been deeply curious about and fascinated with, as well as retro games you're just discovering.

@Sparklefan1234 My best wrestling best friend... something? Forever. You're kinda WWE influenced, but  I enjoy talking  wrestling whenever you're not making  new sigs. Haha. I wish we could talk more.

@Pandora 🐼 I know you're going through a lot right now, but when you get back, know that I'd love to talk cute anime again and relax with you.

@Emerald Heart Truth be told... I'm deeply envious of you. A good life, real life friends, modern interests everyone understands, a living mom  that loves you... It makes it  hard to relate to you at times, but I know you're very sweet and my friend and I'd love to party with you one day. ♡

If this kinda status update is too intense, I'll take a friendly warning and edit it... but for the sake of it, I hope I can be allowed to open up about this and let my friends know I love them.

Even in darkness. Even if we're far apart, we're always connected. Thank you all, and no matter what happens, I love you all ♡