Friendzoning?

[Odyssey 5,713]

One thing that has been bothering me is how people get caught up by how somebody has friendzoned them. Not only this is a silly reason to stop liking somebody, but it also comes off as a little too close-minded... or so I think. The main reason I ask this question is because I'm a stranger to love and relationships. It also makes me look like a dork, but I digress. xP

So I guess the question is this - why do people take friendzoning so seriously? Is it really an absolute must for somebody to be in a relationship? I'd like your insight on this subject.

Edited January 19, 2015 by Odyssey

[Justin_Case001 4,860]

I don't even know what friendzoning is, but if I had to venture a guess, it sounds like another asinine social construct that I wouldn't give a sh*t about.

[FeatherNight 35]

One of the only guys I've ever dated was upset because I friend zoned him, and still is today. I'm no good with relationships and he should know that, lol. I'm just better and more comfortable with friends.

 

I assume that the individuals who take it seriously might be insecure and prone to being butthurt. Maybe uncomfortable with the friend, feeling like they're having to wait, or maybe upset that there aren't returned feelings.

 

It really depends on the persons' intent.

Edited January 19, 2015 by FeatherNight

[Blue The Pikachu 537]

I got friendzoned three times, and two out of three times got into relationships with those who friendzoned me, and it honestly hurts. No, it's not a must, but it's a feeling of rejection of someone saying "Oh, I just want to stay friends." When you want to be in a relationship with them, and no one likes rejection, right? And half the time, things get a little awkward between those two people, so it's a huge risk asking out one of your friends, because that's where relationships start. Being in the friendzone just sucks all around and takes forever to either get out of it and into a relationship or get over the awkwardness. Well, for me at least.

[VitalSpark 1,830]

I don't even know what friendzoning is

 

It is a device for maintaining your overly inflated self-image as an übergod and Perfect Boyfriend Material™, despite having been cruelly rejected by someone who you believe should have been eternally grateful for your uninvited romantic attention.

Edited January 19, 2015 by Vital Spark

[Justin_Case001 4,860]

It is a device for maintaining your overly inflated self-image as an übergod and Perfect Boyfriend Material™, despite having been cruelly rejected by someone who you believe should have been eternally grateful for your uninvited romantic attention.

 

Ok, so I looked up this concept to get an understanding of it.  I'll just say this: it sounds to me like the whole idea of "friendzoning" spawns from the asinine societal paradigm that one can share more with a friend than a lover, and that friends are "safer", and that lovers are to be kept at more of a distance than friends.  One's lover and one's best friend should be one and the same.

[lelouch. 625]

Friendzoning isn't such a big deal for me.  I usually let a girl friendzone me, and I help her with all her guy problems.

It is a device for maintaining your overly inflated self-image as an übergod and Perfect Boyfriend Material™, despite having been cruelly rejected by someone who you believe should have been eternally grateful for your uninvited romantic attention.

Oh my god that is an amazingly awesome and spot on way of depicting all those butturt friendzoned people out there.

[Sir Hugsalot 8,648]

One thing that has been bothering me is how people get caught up by how somebody has friendzoned them. Not only this is a silly reason to stop liking somebody, but it also comes off as a little too close-minded... or so I think. The main reason I ask this question is because I'm a stranger to love and relationships. It also makes me look like a dork, but I digress. xP

 

So I guess the question is this - why do people take friendzoning so seriously? Is it really an absolute must for somebody to be in a relationship? I'd like your insight on this subject.

There is more than one answer to this question.

 

Some guys outright assume that if they are nice then girl is obliged to date them and start relationship with them. They assume that if they love someone then that someone must love them. And when reality hits them in the face they are overreacting and shouting like everything is fault of person they once loved. 

 

Sometimes girls friendzone guys, but then intentionally give them hopes for more so that their hearts could be broken again. Very rare, but I experienced that personally years ago when I was pushed around a lot yet at the same time was given hopes for more. I was buying it for some time, but eventually when I finally realized what is happening I just blocked the girl and refused to talk to her. 

 

Sometimes it is easier to run away from person You loved as it makes it much easier to forget than when keeping in touch. I can't judge if decision is bad or good. It for sure helps even if is hard at first. But it may hurt the person who has put You into the "friendzone" of course. I never did that, I can't say I like it when anyone does that, but it can't be denied that such method works a lot easier than talking with Your crush and trying to let go of Your emotions towards him/her.

 

 

I personally don't see friendzone as something bad. It can be disappointing, but I could never abandom other person only, because I was friendzoned. I also think that friendship sometimes requires sacrifices, something to show that You're loyal to Your friends. That's why I personally would not abandom girl who friendzoned me only to have it easier for myself to let go of my feelings. 

[legionbrony 106]

Ok, so I looked up this concept to get an understanding of it.  I'll just say this: it sounds to me like the whole idea of "friendzoning" spawns from the asinine societal paradigm that one can share more with a friend than a lover, and that friends are "safer", and that lovers are to be kept at more of a distance than friends.  One's lover and one's best friend should be one and the same.

 

Yep, that's pretty close.

 

I've been friendzoned, and there are different kinds of friendzone.

 

Of course, there are the people who are honest, and say they'd rather be friends, because they aren't attracted to the guy.  I'm perfectly fine with that, I like when people are honest.  I try to keep things as non-awkward as possible between us, despite the fact that usually the girl I asked is the one to drift away, and not me.

 

 

The other kind of friendzoning is when both people like each other, but then when one asks the other, they say "No, I'd rather just be friends" because they're terrified of relationships, and they think that dating their best friend will ruin their friendship. 

 

This train of though boggles my mind, to be honest.  First of all, your friend just confessed some deep and personal feelings for you.  That takes some guts.  So now, even though you like them back, you're going to chicken out and lie?  And on top of that, it's a lie that's going to reject them and make them feel awful?  And you think that won't ruin your friendship MORE than if you just said, "Yeah, I like you too, let's try something together"?  To be perfectly honest, if I was to date my friend for a month and then we decided it wasn't gonna work, I would still be happy to stay her friend.  But I guess some people don't see it that way?

[Tameless 979]

I guess people take friend-zoning to an extreme level is when they truly care for someone in the *friend* group but can't advance in that relationship. I understand what you mean, but it really is unfortunate when someone likes someone else more than just a friend.

[Envy 6,024]

The 'friend zone' is a concept invented by people... well, lets be honest here - guys. I do not take kindly to the concept of there being such a thing, or really that being told "Lets just be friends" is an insult to a guy. If a guy's only reason to be talking to me is to be in a relationship with me, that's honestly pretty bad. Relationships are, at the very least, very strong friendships. If you can not bear the thought of 'merely' being friends with someone you love, you don't really love them. Don't get me wrong here... It is still painful to be told that you can only be friends with someone you are deeply in love with, but the childishness displayed by so many using this "friendzone" nonsense only goes to show that they're very shallow, and it shows to the girl that told him that, that she made the right choice.

 

Trust me, before I learned all about how guys worked, it hurt when they'd come up to me wanting to be friends, and then when they finally asked me out and I told them "No, I just want to be friends", they completely stop talking to me altogether. So the friendship was all just a facade. You can not build a good relationship like that, unless you get really really lucky.

[AnonBrony 1,467]

I've been "friendzoned" before. Honestly I'd rather be friends If I can't be in a relationship with somebody. If they don't want to be my special somepony them I'l be glad they are at least my friend. I really can't wrap my head around why one would stop liking another if they got friendzoned. That is just a testament that you never really cared for them. Yeah rejection hurts I know. But if they really cared about the person, they wouldn't wish to stop seeing the altogether. That is why I don't like the whole friendzone thing. You shouldn't be sad that you are friends. You should be happy! Happy that you at least can still talk with them, hang out, and care for them. Even if it isn't romantically.

Edited January 19, 2015 by AnonBrony

[legionbrony 106]

It is a device for maintaining your overly inflated self-image as an übergod and Perfect Boyfriend Material™, despite having been cruelly rejected by someone who you believe should have been eternally grateful for your uninvited romantic attention.

 

 

The 'friend zone' is a concept invented by people... well, lets be honest here - guys. I do not take kindly to the concept of there being such a thing, or really that being told "Lets just be friends" is an insult to a guy. If a guy's only reason to be talking to me is to be in a relationship with me, that's honestly pretty bad. Relationships are, at the very least, very strong friendships. If you can not bear the thought of 'merely' being friends with someone you love, you don't really love them. Don't get me wrong here... It is still painful to be told that you can only be friends with someone you are deeply in love with, but the childishness displayed by so many using this "friendzone" nonsense only goes to show that they're very shallow, and it shows to the girl that told him that, that she made the right choice.

 

Trust me, before I learned all about how guys worked, it hurt when they'd come up to me wanting to be friends, and then when they finally asked me out and I told them "No, I just want to be friends", they completely stop talking to me altogether. So the friendship was all just a facade. You can not build a good relationship like that, unless you get really really lucky.

 

I can see where you guys are coming from, and there are plenty of guys who act like that (trust me, I'm sort of a wallflower lol), but it's a little overly cynical to say that friendzoning isn't actually a thing, and that guys only invent it to preserve their egos. 

 

Like Envy said, it does hurt to get told you can't have a relationship with somebody, even if you can still be friends.  It takes a really tough person to stay friends with somebody who told them no, not because they don't care for them, but because every time they see them they get reminded that they can't be with them.  Some people would rather lose a friend than try to endure that, and while that's not me, I totally understand those people. 

 

Just to be clear, though, there are those cases, and then there are the shallow guys who only want to get a girlfriend or get some action on, and leave as soon as the girl makes it clear that won't happen, and yeah, those guys are jerks.  But generalizing your statements to apply to all guys isn't really fair.

[Guest]

Not trying so sound cruel here, but can't people tell if the other person "likes" them or not?

 

I do feel like as a girl, if I'm friendly towards a guy = instant flirt / "I'm better than your current partner for sure."

 

I used to work in a sandwich store and I had to turn down some guys that were like that. So I guess I friend-zoned more guys than I've been friend-zoned. I just think it's obvious if your relationship to someone is persuable or not.

[HeroSparks 232]

I think the idea of friendzoning is a giant internet joke and shouldn't be taken seriously. I've dated girls who I've been friends with, one of whom was one of my best friends. While it didn't last for reasons, it still goes to show that the friendzone is a made up thing that shouldn't actually exist

[legionbrony 106]

Not trying so sound cruel here, but can't people tell if the other person "likes" them or not?

 

I do feel like as a girl, if I'm friendly towards a guy = instant flirt / "I'm better than your current partner for sure."

 

I used to work in a sandwich store and I had to turn down some guys that were like that. So I guess I friend-zoned more guys than I've been friend-zoned. I just think it's obvious if your relationship to someone is persuable or not.

 

Well, yeah, it's a lot harder to tell when you like someone, and you really want them to like you back, and you start thinking "Well they smiled at me, they must like me!" or "They enjoy spending time with me, they must like me!".  But in reality, those are all just friend activities, as I call them.

 

As you get older it's a lot easier to tell, but I still don't know sometimes lol

[Antidaeophobia 299]

Everyone I know that has claimed they've been friendzoned has a serious feeling of entitlement when I talk to them. 'I was nice to her and did ___ and ___ for her when no one else would' Good for you, what do you want, a parade?
If being in a friendship is so horrible, then you're obviously to immature to handle a relationship. Also, there is a difference between being used, and being a friend. If a girl is just keeping you around to do stuff for her, that makes her a horrible person, and you a horrible person for sticking around because you think you can get a relationship or sex out of it. My mother taught me early in life 'No one owes you a damn thing'. If you're just pretending to be nice to get in a relationship or get sex, then you're a terrible person, if you can't handle being friends with someone and you want more but they don't, either suck it up or leave them.
Lots of guys treat girls like vending machines, where if they put enough nice tokens in, sex will fall out. 
Everyone has experienced situations, where someone wanted to remain friends and the other person wanted more. Attraction is a funny thing. I've experienced my fair share of rejection and use to believe I was friendzoned "Guys only want supermodel thin bitches"- but then I realized, that sort of thinking is asshole thinking, and comes from entitlement that I felt I was owed something. 

[Admiral Regulus 2,769]

Alright, there's a lot of misinformation going on in this thread, so lets clear some things up and bring some science into this thread, shall we?

 

Look. The friendzone is real. If there wasn't a such thing, then we wouldn't have a word to describe it. Saying the friendzone doesn't exist is like saying that snow doesn't exist. Just because you don't see it, experience it, or have it right in front of you at this very moment doesn't mean that it's not a reality to someone else.

 

The reason why the friendzone gets so much flak is because many women feel that it attacks them. It has become a trope of misogyny and male narcissism, and for good reason. However, I implore you to consider otherwise, even if it's just for a brief moment. Let's put all items of gender aside, and look at the deeper issue here—the underlying issue of unrequited love.¹

 

Both the friend zone and unrequited love are referring to the same situation. This is a situation where one person becomes infatuated with another, but the other does not return those feelings of attraction. Typically the male is the one to experience the unrequited love, and the female is the one to friendzone the male, but this is not always the case. The reason why this trope exists is not a result of sexism. It is a result of biological functions at work.²

 

According to one study, "results suggest that men, relative to women, have a particularly hard time being “just friends.” What makes these results particularly interesting is that they were found within particular friendships (remember, each participant was only asked about the specific, platonic, friend with whom they entered the lab). This is not just a bit of confirmation for stereotypes about sex-hungry males and naïve females; it is direct proof that two people can experience the exact same relationship in radically different ways. Men seem to see myriad opportunities for romance in their supposedly platonic opposite-sex friendships. The women in these friendships, however, seem to have a completely different orientation—one that is actually platonic."³

 

Guys are more likely to be attracted to friends of the opposite sex. Make no mistake, men do often want to be friends with the opposite sex... the problem is that love and sexual attraction often get in the way. It's commonplace for a guy to start off being friends with a girl, but grow to like her more as the relationship progresses. On the opposite side, women often underestimate their friend's level of attraction to them. The end result is... voila, unrequited love!

 

"But wait!" you say. "This is about the friendzone, and you're talking about unrequited—"

 

Actually, I'm getting to that. When a lot of guys refer to being in the friendzone, they're really referring to the disappointment and negative experiences they go through when they experience rejection from a female friend. More often than not, it's not at all an attack on women.⁴

 

We cannot deny that unrequited love exists. It is something that most people will experience at least once in their life, and it is something that has been recorded throughout the entire length of human history. Men experience unrequited love, and so do women. It doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, bisexual, lesbian, or even asexual. Unless you do not form emotional attachments to people, you will likely experience it.

 

If and when you do, its effects are no mystery.⁵ It will take a tremendous toll on your mental health, with effects ranging from depression to low self-esteem and rapid, intense mood swings. Studies of love and attraction shows us how greatly positive of an effect reciprocated love can have on the mind and one's emotions⁶—but unrequited love has the opposite effect. Whereas mutual love will make you feel better than you've ever felt before, unrequited love will make you feel worse than you've ever felt before.

 

So, let's just cut to the chase. What does this mean for the relationship? As it so happens, the confessor isn't the only one to feel pain. The rejector often feels pain too... it's a type of guilt.⁷ There are a number of factors and outcomes that can happen in this type of situation, but it really all boils down to this: closer, better friends are more likely to endure this pain.⁸ If the confessor feels hurt, or the rejector feels the need to act differently, that's when the friendship is going to be problematic.

 

People with fewer friends, lower confidence, reduced self-esteem, and a naive, inexperienced heart are the most likely to have strong negative reactions to this situation. Not only is a person with less self confidence less likely to be attractive (and thus more likely to find xirself in such a position), but this person's ego is going to be drastically reduced after being rejected by a friend.

 

So, based on all I've said, here's the gist of things:

 

Guys:

• When you're talking about the friendzone, make it clear that the girl is not at fault. If you're a smart man, you'll understand that it isn't her fault if she isn't attracted to you, and you shouldn't hold anything against her for that.
• Be respectful. You may not agree with the woman's decision, but you have to respect it. You're not a nice guy if you can't let her be happy on her own terms.
• Do not, do not, and definitely do not take it personally when you're rejected. It happens to everyone. If you're rejected by a friend and being around her hurts you, then leave the friendship. Do not let your self confidence suffer... you'll be hurting yourself (and her too) in the long run.
• Be honest. Be straightforward. Don't pretend to be okay with the situation if you're really hurt by it. On the other end, don't be afraid to tell a girl that you really like her. Girls generally like to feel attractive, so if you think she is, let her know.
• Remember, there are plenty of girls out there. If you're rejected by one, keep your head up and keep looking. Sometimes you think you find the one several times before you actually find the one.
• Don't be naive. Try to keep your emotions at bay until you know that she likes you back. You'll save yourself a lot of pain that way.

Girls:

• If a guy is attracted to you but doesn't want to be your friend, he's not shallow. It's not because he doesn't love you. It's not because he's a misogynistic asshole. It's because he does love you, and he—like anyone else—wants to be loved in return. Don't be offended by this... if anything, be proud knowing that someone thinks you're attractive.
• Don't let the situation get the best of you. No, you're not a villain for not loving someone, and it is very unreasonable for a person to place the blame on you. In these situations, the truth is that no one is really at fault.
• That said, do remember that if you reject your friend, especially a close friend, he's probably going to be heartbroken for at least a little while. Even if he doesn't let it show, it is very difficult not to be hurt by rejection. Try not to be too harsh on him, and watch for signs of decreasing self-confidence.
• But on the flip side, you still need to be honest. If you don't want a relationship with a guy, the very last thing you should do is lead someone on. Guys are stupid, and don't often pick up on social cues. You have to make it very clear: no, I don't want a relationship with you, and no, that won't change in the future.
• Don't be naive. Remember that the way you perceive your relationship may be different from the way a guy would perceive it. If you think, "oh, he knows we're just friends," I think you're almost guaranteed to be wrong. As I said, guys are idiots, and often times we don't know these things.

There. I think that makes sense, and I think that seems fair to everyone.

[legionbrony 106]

Thank you Regulus, you posted what I was too lazy to type up.  xD

[Discordian 6,013]

As someone who has a hard time even finding friends it would be a godsend to be able to connect with someone enough to be considered a friend at all.

 

I find it difficult to believe that there needs to be much more to one's relations with someone than being friends. Maybe it's because I've never had a meaningful relationship but I don't know why people think there's a major disconnect between friends and lovers. The only difference I see is the possibility of sex.

 

Which in some cases that's all some people want out of a person, which is why I suspect they get so broken up about someone just wanting to be friends.

 

But I'm no expert. People confuse me.

[FlutterAether 421]

Well it depends...you can spend possibly a year working it out with a girl and in the end she friendzone's you, of-course something like this will have a huge impact. Personally being friendzoned just means a general no and you should just move on and not retaliate however the majority of people I've seen that are friendzoned, are going for girls out of their league which is a huge factor and they don't seem to realise it which is unfortunate ;-;

 

I don't believe that there is a friendzone but I do believe the impression you make on a girl counts more than anything....

[RainbowTashie 378]

One thing that has been bothering me is how people get caught up by how somebody has friendzoned them. Not only this is a silly reason to stop liking somebody, but it also comes off as a little too close-minded... or so I think. The main reason I ask this question is because I'm a stranger to love and relationships. It also makes me look like a dork, but I digress. xP

 

So I guess the question is this - why do people take friendzoning so seriously? Is it really an absolute must for somebody to be in a relationship? I'd like your insight on this subject.

i think if someone has gotten upset by being friendzoned they have started seeing the person soley as a potential partner. I think they get it set in their mind that being this person's ssp and can no longer see them as just a friend. I wish people of both genders would just man up about how they feel before it get's too late. It's a bit personal but it's happened to me. I have friend zoned quite a few people because they have waited so long to tell me i think it would be weird to have a relationship with them. If you just tell the person you are getting close as soon as you start feeling for them the other party would both have more respect for you and have a much greater chance of going out with you.This is only my opinion. But most people absolutely cut off ties to the person they like after they are friendzoned which baffles me. Surely if you like the person so much then it would be better for them to be a part of your life then to cut them off completely.

[Admiral Regulus 2,769]

As someone who has a hard time even finding friends it would be a godsend to be able to connect with someone enough to be considered a friend at all.

 

I find it difficult to believe that there needs to be much more to one's relations with someone than being friends. Maybe it's because I've never had a meaningful relationship but I don't know why people think there's a major disconnect between friends and lovers. The only difference I see is the possibility of sex.

 

Which in some cases that's all some people want out of a person, which is why I suspect they get so broken up about someone just wanting to be friends.

 

But I'm no expert. People confuse me.

 

I would have said this exact thing a few years ago.

 

The thing is, though, a romantic relationship isn't just friends with benefits. There's a difference. There's a certain emotional connection that separates friends from lovers... unless you've experienced it, it's very difficult to describe or even comprehend. It's not about anything physical, so much as it is about the feelings you get from it all.

 

When you're in love, you think about the person every one or two minutes of your life. You talk to them frequently, you daydream about them when you're bored, and you dream about them at night. It's the first thing you think about in the morning, and the last thing you think about before you go to sleep. You genuinely care for them and their well-being, in many cases more than you care for yourself.

 

In a friends-with-benefits type of situation, it's more like what you described. You're physically attracted to the person, but you don't care about much else. Even though the physical aspects of the relationship are there, there's no strong emotional attachments.

Edited January 19, 2015 by Admiral Regulus

[Hidey 2,836]

Friendzoning is a way for a girl to cut ties with you without making herself feel bad by not saying she never wants to see you again. Which in my experience, she wouldn't mind. She can also hang out with and date other guys in front of your face because she knows she can mess with your feelings, so that's an added bonus. 

[VitalSpark 1,830]

But generalizing your statements to apply to all guys isn't really fair.

 

Oh, it certainly doesn't apply to everyone. But the people who it doesn't apply to tend not to use the word "friendzone".

 

If there wasn't a such thing, then we wouldn't have a word to describe it.

 

Finally, incontrovertible proof that the Sasquatch exists! If there wasn't such a thing, then we wouldn't have a word to describe it.

 

And Superman.

 

And unicorns. Yay!

She can also hang out with and date other guys in front of your face

 

She was already allowed to do that because, you know, she's not your own personal slave, at your beck and call, and she's allowed to make her own decisions about who she hangs out with and dates.

Edited January 19, 2015 by Vital Spark