critique wanted Please critique my OC

[Rethajni 2,020]

Okay so the reason i did this thread is to receive an overall critique of my OC Violet Dollmaker, you can ask questions or correct some mistakes you see, now i'm aware that i may receive negative comments but go for it with all your honesty also she is gonna be the cover 2016 for my profile feel free to check it out, first the appereance

 

 

now ill explain her personality:

 

Violet is Kind, and inocent, she also likes to cheer ponies with her creations. Reading a lot about dolls and magic she enjoys to know about her passion and all the experiments she can make, and being a creative mare, she tries to make dolls and puppets not only good but perfect, she considers that making dolls is art, and always is trying to demonstrate so, sometimes she pushes herself too much when making dolls but she is a happy generous kind pony to everypony

 

Powers:

she is not a OP character, each of her spells have it's own limitations let's take a look:

 

Enhanced TK: telekinesis is a common skill with unicorns, they perfom common activities with it, in the case of Violet her tk allows her to perform more than 5 activities but only when she is on trance, But what weird Trance! She stand still, her pupils shrink, with half lidded eyes, tounge out and almost no breathing, in thar state she can't see, hear or smell, is like a rock, leaving her magic to do the activities she wanted before going to trance state.

 

Animate objects: this skill makes Violet capable of give life to her dolls and plushies but only for a limited time so she have to use that spell repeatedly. the dolls of violet are like little servants doing simple things for her like serving the tea, carry small things and sometimes deliver items to other ponies, some ponies are scared of them but others are curious, specially the fillies.

 

Vodoo Magic: Violet is capable to create dolls based on ponies and take them something of them like hair and make vodoo dolls, these weird things are suseptible to all kinds of stimulation or pain Violet inflicts, when she whispers on those dolls the pony victim can hear the message inside her/his mind, if the pony knowns about the voodo doll, the spell doesn't work anymore.

 

now let's go with her Backstory:

 

Violet born on Ponyville, she grow with her mom and dad in their house, they weren't neither poor or rich just common ponies, they used to work on a small boutique and Violet helped them, her mom notice her skill to make designs on the dresses so she wondered how her little girl didn't had her Cutie Mark yet. 

 

One day she went to canterlot with her parent to visit her uncles and after they arrive and tkae breakfast with them, Violet wanted to go to the park where all fillies play together, there she meet a purple pony who was amazed by Celestia's magic on create a sunrise, her name was Twilight Sparkle, Violet went with her because she was lonely like she didn't have friends yet, Violet begin to talk and they began to have a conversation about magic and talents, Violet was happy because even if Twilight didn't know what friendship is she was spending a good time with her. After an hour Twilight told Violet her plan to go to the school and show the teacher her magic skills with a dragon egg in a few days, but she was too nervous and worried about failing, so Violet told her "am gonna make something is gonna help you with your test" and after both return home Violet thought "she don't know what friendship is... maybe i can help her with a little introduction by making one to her!".

 

Violet Spend all night to make a simple doll that she called Smarty Pants a doll that likes to study like Twilight and Violet also make a quill and a notebook so she is pretending she is doing homework. When Violet saw the doll she was amazed by the result and she declare "this doll will end in a place with love and effort" thinking that the doll will be a success with Twlight so the next day Violet gave to Twilight a surprice box with the dolls and the items on it, Twilight was very happy for the present and hug Violet, and Violet felt that she earned a friend and also somethign curious, she look back on her flank and she discovered that a Cutie Mark appeared! it was a small doll that symbolizes her skills and talent, Twilight was amazed by Violet's Cutie Mark and they both spend the rest of the afternoon playing with Smarty Pants.

 

Violet wished good luck to Twilight in her audition before she return home and Twilight wished Violet good luck now she discovered her talent, Violet then decided to change her name adding "Dollmaker" on her birth certificate so everypony must know that was her true name instead of just Violet. After a few days she saw a powerful sonic rainboom from far away from her house, she smiled thinking that this was a good sign of good luck for her and her friend, after that strange rainboom, Twilight performance end with a success.

 

 

Years later after studies and minijobs she got enough money to make her own workshop of dolls, puppets, plushies, string puppets and real height dolls, not to mention her experiment with vodoo dolls as a result of her intense reading about doll magic, unfortunately she make her workshop on the other side of ponyville where Twilight was so they haven't meet yet but Violet knew that her friend was on good hooves.

 

Violet spend part of her time not only selling dolls and puppets, but also she goes to hospitals for fillies where she makes puppet shows and numbers with jokes and funny perfomance filling the rooms with laughs and claps even some nurses and doctors watched her shows on their free time.

 

 

This is her backstory, i know i may altered something of the show but i would like you to point that to me

 

and finally i would like to add that the draw was made on Flash. 

 

EDIT: i just added the colour to some text

Edited December 26, 2015 by Kiki

[DwhitetheGamer 867]

The only critique I have for you is the cutie mark story.  It's good,  but there needs to be a reason behind it, AKA her destiny.  Just like my OC having a blue spiked ball cutie mark represent how fast he'll be there for anypony, her destiny needs to be explained in the story.

 

Other than that, good work!  

[Rethajni 2,020]

The only critique I have for you is the cutie mark story.  It's good,  but there needs to be a reason behind it, AKA her destiny.  Just like my OC having a blue spiked ball cutie mark represent how fast he'll be there for anypony, her destiny needs to be explained in the story.

 

Other than that, good work!  

 

thank you! i do appreciate your comment, i thought it would be enough to say that the doll as Cutie Mark would mean her destiny as a doll maker on her workshop i don't know i may be wrong

 

EDIT: kinda like Applejack and the apples on her flank, like if the Cutie Mark represent not only a destiny but also a job and talent

Edited December 26, 2015 by Kiki

[Malinter 3,064]

Her appearance is fine enough as unicorns go. My main concern/question is her power.

 

Creating dolls/puppets/golems should be her defining power as mixing it up with voodoo magic is rather odd from what you've written as she's no reason to learn it to create dolls that harm people. Its also pointless to give her it as a power as making a doll takes time while she could quite easily summon a puppet to come to her aid much faster.

 

Also switching out the voodoo stuff you could make her special talent being inanimating objects or making them come alive. You could also have fun with this and make her animate stuff like statues. Imagine how much she could have in the Canterlot Square Gardens. XD

 

 

[Lightbulb 170]

Okay *Burp* Before I'm Sick, Let's Do This, Just So You Know, I Point Out Everything, and when I'm Critisizing, I'm a full on ass... Keep That in Mind;

 

 

 

now let's go with her Backstory:   Violet born on Ponyville, she grow with her mom and dad in their house, they weren't neither poor or rich just common ponies, they used to work on a small boutique and Violet helped them, her mom notice her skill to make designs on the dresses so she wondered how her little girl didn't had her Cutie Mark yet. 

 

The Whole Ponyville Thing's A bit worn buddy, really it is, and, i'll have to say i think you rushed it, but you misspelled In, and Grew, you also forgot to put up. Middle Class though not poor, not rich, we're getting somewhere. Small Boutique, what i would've done is put the name after a comma, and the word, named. (Sorry, but i did warn you), also, i see you have a tendency to say 'Mom' rather than Mother. Design skill, Dresses, yeah at least its as original as we can really get.

 

Next!

 

 

 

One day she went to canterlot with her parent to visit her uncles and after they arrive and tkae breakfast with them, Violet wanted to go to the park where all fillies play together, there she meet a purple pony who was amazed by Celestia's magic on create a sunrise, her name was Twilight Sparkle, Violet went with her because she was lonely like she didn't have friends yet, Violet begin to talk and they began to have a conversation about magic and talents, Violet was happy because even if Twilight didn't know what friendship is she was spending a good time with her. After an hour Twilight told Violet her plan to go to the school and show the teacher her magic skills with a dragon egg in a few days, but she was too nervous and worried about failing, so Violet told her "am gonna make something is gonna help you with your test" and after both return home Violet thought "she don't know what friendship is... maybe i can help her with a little introduction by making one to her!".

 

Spontanious trip? Nah, splainitomelucy, Don't worry though, its a mistake. If you want I'll just blather out what i would have done, save us all a lot of time, and me a lot of hate speech. Main six in Childhood? We could do that, or, just hear me out, or we could. Not have that meeting. Violet Began to Talk with the unicorn, make friends with the unicorn. Hey, how about i just read over the whole thing, and rather than critisizing I edit and reformat the thing? I've done it for, i think, four people so far? They seem happy about it. With this much material, I could just shift this there, and that here, and then you'd have a perfectly spelt and edited piece.

 

Would you mind?

 

Admittedly I might rub some of my own unique tarnishes on your piece. But otherwise I can just CTRL+C CTRL+V and edit it out for you, then send it to you in a PM. All wrapped and with a nice bow. How's that sound? I can make you twice as original and you won't even have to credit me.

I'd most likely work over her powers too, I won't take your OC, and i won't change what you don't want changed.

[Rethajni 2,020]

Her appearance is fine enough as unicorns go. My main concern/question is her power.

 

Creating dolls/puppets/golems should be her defining power as mixing it up with voodoo magic is rather odd from what you've written as she's no reason to learn it to create dolls that harm people. Its also pointless to give her it as a power as making a doll takes time while she could quite easily summon a puppet to come to her aid much faster.

 

Also switching out the voodoo stuff you could make her special talent being inanimating objects or making them come alive. You could also have fun with this and make her animate stuff like statues. Imagine how much she could have in the Canterlot Square Gardens. XD

 

 

 

 

hmmm.. good point, maybe the only limitation she may have to not make her OP is that this spells works only with the dolls she makes, you know to animate them and as for the vodoo magic it can be just an experiment,  not that she have intentions to harm ponies

[Malinter 3,064]

@@Lightbulb, If you edit it that much, they won't learn the do's and don'ts of making an OC.

[Love Doctor Blaze 536]

@,

 

Ok lad, i'll give you my honest opinion here.

 

I think you shouldn't have the whole procent thing from the mane six, it kinda takes the whole "Original character" Concept away. Also, while it's an interesting idea with your OC giving T-sparks Smartypants, i think that her backstory has too much Twilight.

 

I would have pointed out more mistakes, but Lightbulb the fine lad did it for me

 

Good luck with your editing and cheers chap 

[Rethajni 2,020]

Okay *Burp* Before I'm Sick, Let's Do This, Just So You Know, I Point Out Everything, and when I'm Critisizing, I'm a full on ass... Keep That in Mind;

 

 

 

 

The Whole Ponyville Thing's A bit worn buddy, really it is, and, i'll have to say i think you rushed it, but you misspelled In, and Grew, you also forgot to put up. Middle Class though not poor, not rich, we're getting somewhere. Small Boutique, what i would've done is put the name after a comma, and the word, named. (Sorry, but i did warn you), also, i see you have a tendency to say 'Mom' rather than Mother. Design skill, Dresses, yeah at least its as original as we can really get.

 

Next!

 

 

 

 

Spontanious trip? Nah, splainitomelucy, Don't worry though, its a mistake. If you want I'll just blather out what i would have done, save us all a lot of time, and me a lot of hate speech. Main six in Childhood? We could do that, or, just hear me out, or we could. Not have that meeting. Violet Began to Talk with the unicorn, make friends with the unicorn. Hey, how about i just read over the whole thing, and rather than critisizing I edit and reformat the thing? I've done it for, i think, four people so far? They seem happy about it. With this much material, I could just shift this there, and that here, and then you'd have a perfectly spelt and edited piece.

 

Would you mind?

 

Admittedly I might rub some of my own unique tarnishes on your piece. But otherwise I can just CTRL+C CTRL+V and edit it out for you, then send it to you in a PM. All wrapped and with a nice bow. How's that sound? I can make you twice as original and you won't even have to credit me.

I'd most likely work over her powers too, I won't take your OC, and i won't change what you don't want changed.

 

this confuses me a bit, no offense but the italic text, are you making a character or is what you really think? and now that you mention how i mispelled some words, all i can say in my defense is that english is not my first language, i still learning so there may be some gaps around but the idea is clear i think.

 

and i think i may change her bio by myself thinking in something better but i appreciate your help

@,

 

Ok lad, i'll give you my honest opinion here.

 

I think you shouldn't have the whole procent thing from the mane six, it kinda takes the whole "Original character" Concept away. Also, while it's an interesting idea with your OC giving T-sparks Smartypants, i think that her backstory has too much Twilight.

 

I would have pointed out more mistakes, but Lightbulb the fine lad did it for me

 

Good luck with your editing and cheers chap 

 

you mean the porcent of her personalities based on Cannon? well i think you are right i shouldn't use cannon for something original 

 

i thought it would be a good idea to do so so people get a better picture of her personality

Edited December 26, 2015 by Kiki

[Love Doctor Blaze 536]

@,

 

I guess that would be a good idea, but listen lad.

 

You should never compare your OC with the main six. Never. Originality is key when you create a character 

[Rethajni 2,020]

@,

 

I guess that would be a good idea, but listen lad.

 

You should never compare your OC with the main six. Never. Originality is key when you create a character 

 

okay, so instead of adding percentages, i just make a simple description of the character's personality with no comparisons, just as she is, i'll change it

[Sugarcup 198]

i locw her colors, nice to see someone who knows how to use pastel colors right

[Rethajni 2,020]

i locw her colors, nice to see someone who knows how to use pastel colors right

 

thank you! i always thought that pastel colors are more nice than strong colors ^^

[Lightbulb 170]

 

 

you mean the porcent of her personalities based on Cannon? well i think you are right i shouldn't use cannon for something original    i thought it would be a good idea to do so so people get a better picture of her personality

 

In a basic sense, I overwork with Critique. I'm meaning, even if you want to stick your two bob close to the money. You should shy away from the treasure trove. Because ther- actually that might be confusing you.

 

What i was saying was, in the sense of originality was, spelling mistakes aside, to keep a distance from the main cast. Yes, I've even got a few character here on my computer that have had an interaction with them. But none of them thoroughly know the main cast. Side characters are forgivable, but the main character area is a bit too close/

 

So basically what i meant was basically what you've said.

 

Basically.

 

Basic.

 

In Basic.

 

I'm gonna stop now.

[Rethajni 2,020]

In a basic sense, I overwork with Critique. I'm meaning, even if you want to stick your two bob close to the money. You should shy away from the treasure trove. Because ther- actually that might be confusing you.

 

What i was saying was, in the sense of originality was, spelling mistakes aside, to keep a distance from the main cast. Yes, I've even got a few character here on my computer that have had an interaction with them. But none of them thoroughly know the main cast. Side characters are forgivable, but the main character area is a bit too close/

 

So basically what i meant was basically what you've said.

 

Basically.

 

Basic.

 

In Basic.

 

I'm gonna stop now.

 

you know, i think you are right, i feel that maybe the whole idea of Twilight was too much, i mean is okay in the begining but i think i went too far now am reading this again, i just remembered some episode with Twilight's doll and i thought why not? there's that chance

[Lightbulb 170]

The whole 'she made the doll just for her' throws the rope a bit short. If your trying to be original, something like, lost and found would help.

[ProjectRKA 2,840]

 

 

Enhanced TK: telekinesis is a common skill with unicorns, they perfom common activities with it, in the case of Violet her tk allows her to perform more than 5 activities but only when she is on trance, But what weird Trance! She stand still, her pupils shrink, with half lidded eyes, tounge out and almost no breathing, in thar state she can't see, hear or smell, is like a rock, leaving her magic to do the activities she wanted before going to trance state.

This is the only thing I think shouldn't be a thing, since... when was it stated that telekinesis was a common skill with unicorns ? It has never been used in canon universe afaik, and the first thing you're saying about your oc is that she isn't OP, and imo telekinesis is pretty OP.