Chaotic Memories

[Zhooves 843]

I'm posting this here, because I need feedback on my first ever fic...

Quick note: It might be a little slow in the beginning, and I guess the end of chapter 2 and chapter 3 kind of picks up...

 

Any feedback is great, be it here, or on the site the fics are on!

 

About the story:

A mysterious pony wakes up in an even weirder location with no memory. With the help of a certain purple unicorn, he tries to unravel his unclear past, but as he starts to remember he begins to understand that not everything about his past is pleasant. Or could it be just a mirage created by the chaos within him?

 

Overview

 

Chapter 1 - Good morning...

 

Chapter 2 - In My Mind

 

Chapter 3 - The Truth

 

Chapter 4 - Meanwhile... (Working title)

 

Chapter 5? - ???

Edited May 25, 2012 by Night Cloud

[Hat988 105]

I'll be honest, there is a higher requirement for quality when it comes to human transported to Equestria stories. Because there are so many bad ones, you need to demonstrate right off the bat that yours is one worth reading. You need, at the very least, an excellent first chapter. I didn't get the feeling I wanted to read more.

I have suggestions.

 

The description is too vague and uninteresting.

"I woke up with almost no memory of the past... Only my name, Zoron, and some common knowledge remains. Now I have to try and recover them, but something about it all keeps bugging me... And to add to it all, I don't seem to be like other people...

At least I meet with some new friends!".

Nobody cares about Zoron because nobody has read about him yet. It would be different if this was a sequel. From this, the reader can't judge what the story will contain, especially because Zoron doesn't seem to know anything either.

What you should do with a description is, firstly, not have a character name but instead describe the character. For example, a 'disenfranchised plumber' would give the reader a better idea of the story than if you just said 'Luigi'. The description doesn't have to be in the same style of the story itself. Try and narrow down your whole story in one line. It only has to be simple. 'A disenfranchised plumber has lost his memories and attempts to unravel the mystery of his life' already sounds better, even though your character probably isn't a plumber

 

You also need a first line that indicates what the rest of the story would look like. The first sentence could give away the style of narrative voice (how you structure your sentences, maturity, whether humour is involved), character depth (example: his lack of memory) and maybe whether the reader can expect it to have horror/quirky/serious themes.

 

All that being said, you did a good job not to overload on setting and backstory right away and start with action. I just didn't want to read more because I didn't know where the story was headed or what to expect. If you say it is slow in the beginning, fix it instead of having an extra note outside the story to tell us.

 

I hope that helps and isn't offensive

[Zhooves 843]

I'll be honest, there is a higher requirement for quality when it comes to human transported to Equestria stories. Because there are so many bad ones, you need to demonstrate right off the bat that yours is one worth reading. You need, at the very least, an excellent first chapter. I didn't get the feeling I wanted to read more.

I have suggestions.

 

The description is too vague and uninteresting.

 

Nobody cares about Zoron because nobody has read about him yet. It would be different if this was a sequel. From this, the reader can't judge what the story will contain, especially because Zoron doesn't seem to know anything either.

What you should do with a description is, firstly, not have a character name but instead describe the character. For example, a 'disenfranchised plumber' would give the reader a better idea of the story than if you just said 'Luigi'. The description doesn't have to be in the same style of the story itself. Try and narrow down your whole story in one line. It only has to be simple. 'A disenfranchised plumber has lost his memories and attempts to unravel the mystery of his life' already sounds better, even though your character probably isn't a plumber

 

You also need a first line that indicates what the rest of the story would look like. The first sentence could give away the style of narrative voice (how you structure your sentences, maturity, whether humour is involved), character depth (example: his lack of memory) and maybe whether the reader can expect it to have horror/quirky/serious themes.

 

All that being said, you did a good job not to overload on setting and backstory right away and start with action. I just didn't want to read more because I didn't know where the story was headed or what to expect. If you say it is slow in the beginning, fix it instead of having an extra note outside the story to tell us.

 

I hope that helps and isn't offensive

 

No problem at all, and thanks for the advice! Will try to fix it!