fan fiction Looking for opinions on a Fanfiction

[StellasarusRex 0]

HA. HA. JK.

turns out that discord ruled and then the princesses stepped up to the plate. No biggie, I think I know what I'm going to do.

 

I have taken on a (somewhat) painful and confusing job. I am writing an entire life story about Celestia and Luna. And so, without further ado, I have decided to upload the very beginning of the story. Opinions and critiques are more than welcome.

 

btw, celestiana- celestia, lunalee-luna dont worry, their names get shorter very soon.

 

pleasedonthatemefortinyprint;-;

 

"My name is Princess Celestia.

 

Or at least that’s what they call me now. It wasn’t too long ago when I was living with my ma and pa, sharing some oats with Lunalee and roasting marshmallows with my friends. Of course, that is exactly that thing. That is what used to be. Sometimes, I still reminisce on the older times, upon the times when I was still a little filly alicorn and there was nothing special about me. Perhaps that is why you are here, little one. You are here to hear my story, and to share it with one and all.

 

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“She’s beautiful, Queen Univa.”

“She is, isn’t she?”

“She looks exactly like you, Queen. Good thing, too. She will be ruling over everything in a couple years.”

The older mare stood up slowly. She didn’t move as gracefully as she used to. She wobbled when she walked, and he usually pulsating mane was now a weakly waving plait that swung slowly as she hobbled along.

“Yes, I suppose she will make a good ruler. Has her father’s iron fist.”

“Yes, Univa, I suppose she does. She has the attitude as well. She is excellent with the others, isn’t she?”

For many years, 9 to be exact, young Celestiana had been raised in the castle in Canterlot, taking lessons every day to become more and more the ruler she wass destined to be. She showed many traits of a good ruler. She had leadership, justice, love, friendship, but most importantly, magic. She and her sister were two of a rare breed of horses, said to have extreme power. It was nothing short of destiny that they would come through the royal bloodline. Luna, however, had a different kind of power. She was introverted, usually prone to spending lots of time wandering the grounds. She was the polar opposite of her sister, nervous, afraid, untrusting, incapable of love, and poor at magic. She was all her sister was not.

However, despite all of this, the two still ended up being close friends. Celestiana was the prodigy, the legend, the perfectionist. Lunalee was the slacker, the norm, the pacifist. On that day, Celestiana was teaching Lunalee about the way that the Celestian Empire worked.

“You see, Luna, whenever somepony who was ruling the kingdom moves on, their kids have to keep order. That’s us. That’s why we have tutors and teachers and wizards. We are Princesses, but still have to be careful. Remember Tempeste the Terrible?”

Lunalee nods. “He is the leader who was ignorant to any policies with others. He was selfish.”

Lunalee’s lack of words always astounded Celestiana. “Anyway, he was the one who was two twigs short of a bunch. He was...” Celestiana lowered her voice, “gotten rid of.”

Lunalee cringed. “Sister, will we be gotten rid of when we rule?”

“Not if we are like Ma and Pa.”"

Edited December 21, 2011 by StellasarusRex

[5guysburgersnfries 216]

My only recommendation would be to fix the spelling. Good job, keep it up ^^

[StellasarusRex 0]

yay~

And i know there are some spelling errors in there, but I am still working on it, this being only the rough draft. I've been rushing through it because ideas are coming faster than I can write them down

[Lyra Heartstrings1 53]

Nice job, I loved reading that, and nice pick on the charactors, but you need to improve the spelling just like sud said, but other then that, this is awesome!

[StellasarusRex 0]

Thank you!

and yeah, the spelling is really really bad, but it's only cuz I'm not going back and proofreading, I'm just barreling forward XD

 

turns out there may have to be a major overhaul. I was watching some videos on equestria's history, and apparently the alicorns didn't rule until AFTER discord.

 

 

 

yikes.