[Fan Fic] Batmare Begins - Chapter 1: Aucune Licorne Magique

[Batbrony 15,994]

Well, here it is ya'll, my first ever fan fiction for any fandom whatsoever!  Sorry it took me a little while to complete the first chapter of what will hopefully turn into a rather long series; just seemed to never be able to make time over Christmas break.

 

Anyways, to get down to business, before I begin, I'll explain a few things for those of you unfamiliar with my concept here.  As you can probably tell from the title, this fan fiction is an MLP/Batman crossover, specifically MLP and Christopher Nolan's Batman films, at least in plot structure.  While initially this may sound a bit uninspired and generic, I assure you, despite the fact that in some regards I am drawing rather heavily from the Nolan source material, I intend to stay true to any characters who appear from the show itself, and to have plenty of original elements and material as the story progresses, which I hope will be at least somewhat evident in this first chapter.  This has been something that I've been coming up with for quite some time now, and I'm quite passionate about it, so I hope that that comes across as well and translates to some quality writing, but I'll leave you all to be the judges of that.

 

Overall, this story is intended to be two things:

 

(1) A gift to the brony community; this community has been a wonderful place for me since I joined almost a year ago, and I've always felt bad that I've had no creative content of my own to contribute to the fandom for fellow bronies and pegasisters to enjoy as so many other bronies have done through their art, music, videos, or fan fics.  So everypony, allow me to humbly bestow this small gift to ya'll as a token of my appreciation for all the good that this show, fandom, and all the friends I've met and laughs I've had since joining have done for me!!!!  I love you guys, each and every one of you!!! 

 

(2) A shout-out to Derpy Hooves, hands down my favorite background pony.  Almost since as long as I've been a part of the fandom, Derpy Hooves has held a special place in my heart, which is somewhat ironic considering "The Last Round Up" controversy was just dying down when I joined last year.  It's hard to concretely express in only a few words why I love her so much, but there's both an innocence about her and great potential to do great things with her character that I believe it's our responsibility as bronies to take up, considering we all very well know that the show never will, not after that controversy.  Another reason this is a shout-out to Derpy is because, well, I don't want bronies to forget just how important she's been to the fandom.  I get that someponies don't really care for her cameos that much, and that's totally fine, but I think it'd be a dang shame if too many ponies forget just what she has meant for bronydom throughout the show's production.  She was, in all actuality, one of the first, if not the first, major reason that Studio B and the first bronies came into contact with one another; when adult men started pointing out this cute little derpy-eyed animation error, and expressed their love for it, Studio B suddenly became aware that somewhere out there, there were quite a few fans of the show whom they never expected, so what did they do?  They ran with it, and in retaining the derpy eyes and bringing her back for cameos, Studio B sent out one of its first messages to the rapidly developing fandom that nopony ever expected that they knew we were out there, they were listening to what we had to say, and they liked both our excitement and feedback!  Sadly, due to the controversies of last season, it's quite apparent that there's been significant pressure from Hasbro this season not to include Derpy in too many episodes or evident cameos for that matter, and while love for her remains strong in the fandom, my primary concern is that some newer bronies won't be able to appreciate the major place she has had in the history of bronydom as we older bronies can, and so, if I can at least lead a few bronies to have a greater love and appreciation of Derpy, then I'll have achieved what I set out to do in the first place.

 

Well, that was a little bit longer of an introduction than I anticipated!   Seeing as this is my first fan fiction ever, if any of ya'll who decide to read this have any further questions, comments, or suggestions for me, feel free to leave them in the comments section below.  I think that's about it, so without further ado, I present to you "Batmare Begins - Chapter 1: Aucune Licorne Magique".  Enjoy everypony!!!!!!! 

 

TL;DR - I love bronies, I love Derpy, here ya'll go, leave comments below.  Enjoy!!!!!!! 

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/79481/batmare-begins

 

Edit: Seeing as I just got the story up on FIM Fiction, I decided to replace the spoiler covered story with just a link to the story on FIM Fiction, which has a much nicer format for that sort of thing.  Just click on the link to get to the story.  Enjoy everypony!!! 

Edited January 26, 2013 by Batbrony

[duidamasterXD 9,626]

Whew. Just finished it and I enjoyed it even more than I thought I would. Grammar seems to be good as far as I can tell. I enjoyed the backstory that you gave her and I'm very curious to see where this is going. Thanks Batbrony!

[Batbrony 15,994]

Whew. Just finished it and I enjoyed it even more than I thought I would. Grammar seems to be good as far as I can tell. I enjoyed the backstory that you gave her and I'm very curious to see where this is going. Thanks Batbrony!

 

Glad you liked it, and yeah, sorry it was a bit long!    Trust me my friend, I've got some plans for this story; worst part in fact is not being able to get to the REALLY GOOD STUFF yet!  Ughhh, it's killing me, but ya'll won't be disappointed, I guarantee it!!! 

[Friendship_Cannon 1,676]

Great work this far, very impressive.

Nice idea to relate to Christopher Nolan´s Batman, I sure do love that movie, and though one can surely recognize how much it influenced that first chapter, it has a very own style and a different story, going along well with derpy as a person pony.

Can´t wait to see more of this, good job

 

[Batbrony 15,994]

Great work this far, very impressive.

Nice idea to relate to Christopher Nolan´s Batman, I sure do love that movie, and though one can surely recognize how much it influenced that first chapter, it has a very own style and a different story, going along well with derpy as a person pony.

Can´t wait to see more of this, good job

 

 

Yeah, enough of the general plot points will still be there, just with their own MLP twist, although I gotta say, the overall vision I have for the, uh, villains biggest schemes are pretty original.  Can't reveal anything yet, so you'll just have to take me on my word, but it'll make perfect sense when it comes up!  Glad you liked it!!! 

[I used to be a stranger 7,989]

I'll be brutally honest, the first three paragraphs contained enough grammatical errs that it dissuaded me from being engaged with the whole story, but because friends are friends, I will proceed.

 

I always hate it when I get criticism myself; emotional investment into the works makes the requirement to remove things painful. I'll see what I can say.

 

The story lacks grammatical polish but that's just something that comes with time and experience in writing. A couple things bothered me at the beginning: You probably don't need as many exclamation points as you used with the Mother dream sequence at the end. Four is a lot, five is tremendous. More is redonkulous.

The “Oops… my bad!  Didn’t see you there mister!” exchange was confusing to me because characters are not identified.

 

Looks funny, keep it up.

[Batbrony 15,994]

I'll be brutally honest, the first three paragraphs contained enough grammatical errs that it dissuaded me from being engaged with the whole story, but because friends are friends, I will proceed.

 

I always hate it when I get criticism myself; emotional investment into the works makes the requirement to remove things painful. I'll see what I can say.

 

The story lacks grammatical polish but that's just something that comes with time and experience in writing. A couple things bothered me at the beginning: You probably don't need as many exclamation points as you used with the Mother dream sequence at the end. Four is a lot, five is tremendous. More is redonkulous.

The “Oops… my bad!  Didn’t see you there mister!” exchange was confusing to me because characters are not identified.

 

Looks funny, keep it up.

 

By all means, point out any you see, I want this puppy to be as polished as possible; now that it's up on FIM Fiction, I'll be more than happy to go back and edit out any grammatical errors you see.  Shoot, I'll go and take care of the exclamation points right now!  But, as for the "Oops... my bad!" exchange, I mostly didn't identify characters because of pacing.  However, I see where you're coming from, and will insert at least one character identifier at the beginning of the exchange.  Thanks for the feedback Blue, and like I said, point out anything else you noticed that could use fixing.  I want this puppy to shine! 

 

Edit: Dude, thank you so much for the exclamation point suggestion.  I went through the whole chapter, and there were WAY too many exclamation points and question marks.  I think if you look at it now, it'll look much more crisp and clean.  I also did add a character identifier for the cafeteria exchange.  Thanks for the suggestions buddy!  Looks much better now, and again, if you see anything else that really needs to change, by all means, say so!

Edited January 26, 2013 by Batbrony

[Feather Spiral 1,892]

The mystery stallion's name is "No Magical Female Unicorn" ROFL

 

I really feel bad for Derpy though. That unicorn guard shouldn't be so hard on her.

 

Looks interesting, I'll read more as soon as I can.

[Batbrony 15,994]

The mystery stallion's name is "No Magical Female Unicorn" ROFL

 

I really feel bad for Derpy though. That unicorn guard shouldn't be so hard on her.

 

Looks interesting, I'll read more as soon as I can.

 

Huh, I think I remember the French that I used being feminine when I first chose it, but I guess I forgot that it was feminine.  All Google translate gave me was "No Magic Unicorn".  LOL! 

 

Keep an eye out for the guard; he may just pop back up when you least expect it! 

 

Glad you like it; I'll try to get the second chapter out as soon as I can! 

[Shanks 10,811]

So far so good, it has that serious Batman vibe I would expect from a Batman crossover but still maintains the unique sense of humor that we love Derpy for.

[Batbrony 15,994]

So far so good, it has that serious Batman vibe I would expect from a Batman crossover but still maintains the unique sense of humor that we love Derpy for.

 

Glad you caught that, that's exactly the tone I've been going for; a respectable crossover that stays true to both of the worlds being crossed.  Hope it'll only get better as the story continues, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see.  Glad you liked it! 

[Feather Spiral 1,892]

All Google translate gave me was "No Magic Unicorn".

Ah, but that's as in, the opposite of "A Magic Unicorn". Or rather, the opposite of "at least one magical unicorn".

Did you intend to say "no-magic unicorn", as in a unicorn not so skilled at magic as normal?

That would be "Licorne Sans Magie". :3

 

Cuz the noun is "magie", "magique" is its adjective version.

As for "aucun(e)", it means "no [noun], none" as in "there's no [object/concept] that [...]", and not "without [trait/property]".

 

DO NOT TRUST TRANSLATORZ ROFL

[Batbrony 15,994]

Ah, but that's as in, the opposite of "A Magic Unicorn". Or rather, the opposite of "at least one magical unicorn".

Did you intend to say "no-magic unicorn", as in a unicorn not so skilled at magic as normal?

That would be "Licorne Sans Magie". :3

 

Cuz the noun is "magie", "magique" is its adjective version.

As for "aucun(e)", it means "no [noun], none" as in "there's no [object/concept] that [...]", and not "without [trait/property]".

 

DO NOT TRUST TRANSLATORZ ROFL

 

 Hmmm... may just have to go through and change that then.  Thanks buddy!  Had no choice really, don't know French myself so it seemed to make sense at the time! 

 

Edit: After mulling it over in my head, I may retain the name, partly because the story's already published, and partly because the name kinda sounds cool.  It kinda makes sense still, to a degree; I mean, magique as an adjective will still kinda work for the character, even though magie could just as easily work.  Still, I totally get what you're saying and appreciate the helpful input; ultimately my decision is largely centered around aesthetics, and not so much accuracy (like I said, the name SOUNDS pretty cool, and a little cooler than Licorne Sans Magie).  I doubt that most of my readers know French, so in the end it probably won't make much of a difference to them.  Besides, someponies may or may not have some other names!     Once again, though, thanks so much for the input! 

Edited January 27, 2013 by Batbrony

[Creamy Arty 6,251]

I registered on fimfiction just so I could upvote your story.

 

 

You did pretty well with balancing the serious undertones and the nonsense one would expect from Derpy. I like where you're going with this, though I really have little idea where you're going with this.

[Batbrony 15,994]

I registered on fimfiction just so I could upvote your story.

 

 

You did pretty well with balancing the serious undertones and the nonsense one would expect from Derpy. I like where you're going with this, though I really have little idea where you're going with this.

 

Thank you so much!!!   That really means a lot to me!  Glad to hear you liked both the tone, but also don't know what to expect from the overall story at this point!  Definitely going to be more serious than I originally intended, but like you said, I should hopefully be able to get enough of Derpy's innocence, goofiness, and good humor into the later installments as well.  Once again, thanks for checking it out, and glad you liked it! 

Edited January 28, 2013 by Batbrony

[Zygen 6,065]

Wow this was quiet entertaining, It was also quiet vivid, I could imagine every bit of the story.

Great job, sounds very promising so far!

 

Also sorry it took me so long to get around to reading this, It kept slipping my mind, and when I finally thought about it something came up to occupy my time.

 

It was certainly worth the time though .

 

Great job! I hope to see the rest of it go this well!

 

I noticed absolutely no errors grammar wise, and I also love how you didn't forget to say stuff like everypony and stuff .

 

So yeah great job !

[Batbrony 15,994]

Wow this was quiet entertaining, It was also quiet vivid, I could imagine every bit of the story.

Great job, sounds very promising so far!

 

Also sorry it took me so long to get around to reading this, It kept slipping my mind, and when I finally thought about it something came up to occupy my time.

 

It was certainly worth the time though .

 

Great job! I hope to see the rest of it go this well!

 

I noticed absolutely no errors grammar wise, and I also love how you didn't forget to say stuff like everypony and stuff .

 

So yeah great job !

 

Thanks buddy, glad you liked it!  Sorry myself that it took me so long to reply (it's only been, what, a month and a half? ).  Making my way through chapter 2 at the moment; going slow, but looking very good, and I hope to have it out soon. 

[Zygen 6,065]

Thanks buddy, glad you liked it!  Sorry myself that it took me so long to reply (it's only been, what, a month and a half? ).  Making my way through chapter 2 at the moment; going slow, but looking very good, and I hope to have it out soon. 

Alrighty its cool, your replying actually reminded me I need to make a FIMfiction account since I've been reading some fanfics, so I can follow stories and stuff, I'll be sure to follow you if I can once I get it setup . Looking forward to the next chapter!

[Awesome_Sauce432 1]

amazing! do more of this!! Its absolutely incredible! How did you get the idea for this? i never would have thought of that! Derpy is one of my fave ponies too

[Batbrony 15,994]

amazing! do more of this!! Its absolutely incredible! How did you get the idea for this? i never would have thought of that! Derpy is one of my fave ponies too

 

Oh thank you, glad you liked it!   The idea kinda slowly developed in the back of my head over the past year or so; I've had this Batbrony persona that's pretty much been my OC since I joined the forums, even though Derpy's the one in the suit so it's not quite a traditional OC, and I started thinking "Ya know, I love Batman and know especially the Nolan films like the back of my hand, and Derpy's underdeveloped enough that I think there's a lot of liberalities one could take with her character if one were to do a crossover fan fic, so why not?  It can be both a fun crossover and a chance to do my own take on Derpy's character, trying to make her both her lovable, silly self, but also add some layers to a character who, in canon, we don't know that much about".  Once again, glad you liked it! 

Edited March 17, 2013 by Batbrony