Revenge of a Fallen Student

[Sir.Flutter Hooves 2,953]

Hello,

 

Can you guys check out my fanfiction I just made? Any possible character flaws you see, plot holes, or just recomendation would be great! 

 

 

Here it is : http://www.fimfiction.net/story/92907/revenge-of-a-fallen-student

 

[SparkBrony 379]

Hi Derpington! I've been writing for a while, so I'll find some time to read your story and give you some tips!

 

Not to go off-topic and advertise at all, but could you check out my story too? Here's the link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/92956/the-master-plan Thank you very much!

[Blue Moon 6,336]

I read it and i quite enjoyed it. So far it is interesting, but I do have a couple issues. In order to become an alicorn, I believe that a unicorn must be good at magic and understand friendship. But, Sunset Shimmer never learned about that. She just became an alicorn because she was good at magic. Also, Sunset seemed like a good pony, but I don't like how she could be turned evil just because of a voice inside her head. It would have been better if you gave her a more distinct flaw which would mean Celestial wouldn't havetirned her into an alicorn because she wasn't ready. This would enrage Sunset, which would better explain why she turned evil.

 

But overall, I liked it and will be following it. Sunset Shimmer had potential to be an awesome character, her character just needs to be a bit better developed.

[Sir.Flutter Hooves 2,953]

I read it and i quite enjoyed it. So far it is interesting, but I do have a couple issues. In order to become an alicorn, I believe that a unicorn must be good at magic and understand friendship. But, Sunset Shimmer never learned about that. She just became an alicorn because she was good at magic. Also, Sunset seemed like a good pony, but I don't like how she could be turned evil just because of a voice inside her head. It would have been better if you gave her a more distinct flaw which would mean Celestial wouldn't havetirned her into an alicorn because she wasn't ready. This would enrage Sunset, which would better explain why she turned evil.

 

But overall, I liked it and will be following it. Sunset Shimmer had potential to be an awesome character, her character just needs to be a bit better developed.

The next few chapters will be about her life before the apprentice thing. Like how she became evil, and she will be developed more in the future of the story. She became in alicorn because of her cutie mark. Her cutie mark represents the magic because not even Twilight can do the magic she's doing right now, and you'll find out why in the chapters to come. 

 

Thanks so much, I'm working really hard on this, and any help great!

 

Thanks and bro hoof /)

[SparkBrony 379]

Ok. I read the first part of the prolouge.

 

First, let me say it was great! A very enjoyable first prolouge.

 

I have just a few suggestions:

1. In the second paragraph, you say: "The young orange filly with the fire streaked mane was named Sunset Shimmer." You may want to change this to "Sunset Shimmer was a young orange filly with the fire streaked mane." simply because you describe her first as Sunset Shimmer, not a young orange filly with the fire streaked mane.

 

2. After she starts thinking to herself about why she might be in trouble, you never took the rest of the chapter out of italics, which is just a little awkward.

 

3. It's Yin Yang, not Ying Yang.

 

Other than that, very good! I can't wait to keep reading!

[Sir.Flutter Hooves 2,953]

Ok. I read the first part of the prolouge.

 

First, let me say it was great! A very enjoyable first prolouge.

 

I have just a few suggestions:

1. In the second paragraph, you say: "The young orange filly with the fire streaked mane was named Sunset Shimmer." You may want to change this to "Sunset Shimmer was a young orange filly with the fire streaked mane." simply because you describe her first as Sunset Shimmer, not a young orange filly with the fire streaked mane.

 

2. After she starts thinking to herself about why she might be in trouble, you never took the rest of the chapter out of italics, which is just a little awkward.

 

3. It's Yin Yang, not Ying Yang.

 

Other than that, very good! I can't wait to keep reading!

I just need to tell you thank you. You do not know hoe much this means to me. It took a lot of courage to finally write my first fan fiction and put it out there. With people like your support this is why I'm writing this. 

 

Thanks so much!   /)

[SparkBrony 379]

I just need to tell you thank you. You do not know hoe much this means to me. It took a lot of courage to finally write my first fan fiction and put it out there. With people like your support this is why I'm writing this. 

 

Thanks so much!   /)

Glad I could help!

 

I read Prolouge part 2 as well. A few suggestions about this one too.

 

1. "Now fully grown, her mane was longer, and how she had grown." This sentence is quite awkward. I think you should take out the "how she had grown" altogether and change it to "Now she was fully grown, with longer mane and [some other new trait here!]

 

2. "Sunset Shimmer just did the notorious aging spell on a baby mouse". The word "notorious" makes it sound like it's a bad thing. You may want to try "Famous" or "notoriously difficult".

 

3. When Celestia tells Sunset that she's gonna become an alicorn, you need a little bit more enthusiasm from Sunset. She's gonna become an Alicorn after ten years of training! Add some more excitement and suprise.

 

Another very good chapter, and I can't wait to read more!

Edited March 27, 2013 by SparkBrony

[Sir.Flutter Hooves 2,953]

Glad I could help!

 

I read Prolouge part 2 as well. A few suggestions about this one too.

 

1. "Now fully grown, her mane was longer, and how she had grown." This sentence is quite awkward. I think you should take out the "how she had grown" altogether and change it to "Now she was fully grown, with longer mane and [some other new trait here!]

 

2. "Sunset Shimmer just did the notorious aging spell on a baby mouse". The word "notorious" makes it sound like it's a bad thing. You may want to try "Famous" or "notoriously difficult".

 

3. When Celestia tells Sunset that she's gonna become an alicorn, you need a little bit more enthusiasm from Sunset. She's gonna become an Alicorn after ten years of training! Add some more excitement and suprise.

 

Another very good chapter, and I can't wait to read more!

I will edit it some time later tonight. Thanks so much for the great tips and suggestions, and thanks so much for readig this. Expect more chapters soon.

 

/)

[SparkBrony 379]

Ok, I read the 3rd part of the Prolouge.

 

WOW, so much happened in one part! It was very good! But I do have a few problems, as usual!

 

1. You have several grammatical/spelling errors. Here are the most prominent ones: (corrections in bold)

 

-One was of herself ruling Equestria.

-There were Sunset's parents, Starbright and Lightning Dust. There were her three younger sisters Lacko, Izzy, and Maya, and her grandparents Sherbert Frost and Apple Chuck.

-Somehow she was struck down by a lighting bolt, a huge one.

 

And several minor others.

 

2. The chapter's pacing is a little too fast. Sunset is talking and then suddenly dark clouds came over the crowd. How do they come over? Do they drift over, or fade in? Maybe add a little more filler in the story to slow the events down.

 

3. You don't explain too well how Sunset got defeated. Just randomly by some spell. Maybe elaborate on that a bit.

 

Otherwise, very good!

[SparkBrony 379]

Holy Hay, you completely redid the whole prolouge!

 

Ok. It was great!  but I picked out a LOT of grammar/spelling mistakes. Try to go back and check the chapter, you'll probably find most of them. Here's a few other things:

 

1. Rick/Daryl/Jim - These names are very generic. I think you should make up more ponyish names, like....um....Silent Strength? I dunno, you can think of them. Rick, Daryl, and Jim sound a little too human though.

 

2. "Rick, two weeks of detention for beating up students." Should be more like, Rick, what are you doing?! Abusing classmates again?! 2 weeks of detention!

 

3. "No, they said it was strictly royal needs and nopony should know."