Craziness in Las Pegasus

[Sonicrules831 520]

Hey guys, here's my new fanfic that some of you have been waiting for. I'm debating on whether to put this on fimfiction or not but I know you guys are awesome and will give helpful feedback, so with our further ado, here's a little description about "Craziness in Las Pegasus"

 

 

 

This is the story of two Lunar Royal Guards, Sport and Ludwig, who take their siblings on an adventure to Las Pegasus. Sport and Ludwig are offered a week-long vacation and they all decide to go to Las Pegasus. The five ponies: Sport, his wife Twinkle Bloom and younger brother Striker, and Ludwig with his younger sister Rainbow Shine, set out to a city of the night life, casinos, and parties. But maybe the partying goes a little too overboard? Will they keep things under control or will things go too insane? This is definitely one adventure that Sport, Ludwig and the gang will definitely not forget.

 

 

So now, here's chapter one. Enjoy and I appreciate any (helpful and not offensive) feedback

 

 

Chapter 1: Like Any Other Day

 

It was a normal day in Ponyville, Sport just got done with a win with his team, the Ponyville Cardinals, defeating the Mustangia Red Sox 5-1. Sport hit two solo homeruns and was named player of the game. After the post game talk with coach, Sport took his ball bag, walked out of the dugout of Ponyville Stadium and headed out of the ballpark to town.

 

Sport looked around and then saw his two friends, Ludwig and his sister Rainbow Shine, walking towards them.

 

"Hey Sport! Guess what?" Ludwig said looking very excited.

 

"What's that bro?" Sport asked.

 

"Princess Luna has given us a week long vacation from Lunar Royal Guard Duty!" Ludwig said smiling.

 

"Wow, really?" Sport asked.

 

"Yes!" Ludwig said showing him the letter he got from Princess Luna. "We should go somewhere. The five of us! You, me, Rainbow Shine, Striker, and your wife Twinkle Bloom. Who does that sound?"

 

"That sounds wonderful!" Sport said. "I think we're going to Las Pegasus for a couple games. Luckily, I don't have much going on this week baseball wise." Sport said.

 

"OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH! I've never been to Las Pegasus! We should so go there! Please? Please? Please? Please?" Rainbow Shine said jumping up and down.

 

"She looks like she's in. You?" Ludwig said.

 

"Count us in!" Sport said. "You don't mind if I bring Striker along? I won't take him anywhere where he doesn't belong. I Pinkie Pie Promise." Sport said.

 

"That's fine." Ludwig said.

 

"Ok cool, let's meet at a restaurant tonight." Sport said.

 

"Where at?" Ludwig said.

 

"I was thinking the Cider Barrel. If that's ok with you." Sport said.

 

"Ok, see ya there!" Rainbow Shine said.

 

Sport walked home and opened the door to his house. "Twinkle Bloom, Striker, I'm home!" Sport called.

 

"Hey big bro! Great job out there! You were awesome!" Striker said.

 

"Thanks kiddo." Sport said.

 

"Hi honey!" Twinkle Bloom said running up to Sport and giving him a big hug.

 

"Hey sweetie." Sport said kissing her. "I have great news!"

 

"What's that?" Twinkle Bloom said.

 

"Did you make the All Star Team?" Striker asked.

 

"Not yet bud, not for another month." Sport said chuckling. "I was talking to my friends Ludwig and Rainbow Shine and Ludwig told me that the Princess Luna gave us the week off from Lunar Royal Guard Duty." Sport said.

 

"That's great! And?" Twinkle Bloom asked in excitement.

 

"We decided that we're going on a little trip to Las Pegasus for the week!" Sport said.

 

"Yay! That's great!" Twinkle Bloom said.

 

"Now I think Striker is old enough to go. But Crystal Rose isn't, she's still a little too young." Sport said.

 

"Yeah, she's three years younger than Striker. I want her to grow a little bit. Striker has shown he can handle this stuff." Twinkle Bloom said.

 

"There are some things I can do there. I promise not to go to any casinos." Striker said.

 

"Alright, but be careful bro." Sport said smiling. "And if we go to any adult like places. I want you to stay with Twinkle Bloom alright?"

 

"You got it Sport." Striker replied happily.

 

"I'll probably take Crystal to Fluttershy's for babysitting." Twinkle said.

 

"That's fine." Sport said.

 

"Ok, when do we leave though?" Twinkle said.

 

"We'll find out tonight." Sport said giving her a wink.

 

Twinkle Bloom blushed and giggled. "Hehe, ok."

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

So later that day, the sun began to set. Sport and Twinkle Bloom set out to the Cider Barrel.

 

"Ok Striker, take care of your cousin while we're gone. We'll give you the details when we get back." Sport said to his little brother.

 

"Ok Sport." Striker said as they closed the door and locked it to make sure nopony broke in.

 

They walked together to the Cider Barrel. When they got there, Ludwig and Rainbow Shine were outside waiting. They approached the place and greeted them.

 

"Hey guys!" Sport said giving them brohoofs.

 

"Hey Sport! Hey Twinkle Bloom!" Ludwig said.

 

"Hi guys!" Twinkle Bloom said.

 

"Hiya!" Rainbow Shine said.

 

"Where's Striker?" Ludwig asked.

 

"He's staying back to take care of our adopted daughter, Crystal Rose." Twinkle Bloom replied.

 

"Wow, he definitely knows how to be responsible for a colt his age. He's such a cute little colt!" Rainbow Shine said happily.

 

"Yeah, he's pretty good at it." Sport said with a smile. "And he hasn't even gotten his cutie mark yet!" Sport said.

 

"Really? I thought he already had one." Ludwig said.

 

"No, but I'm sure he'll get one soon." Sport said.

 

"Yeah! I love him so much!" Rainbow Shine added.

 

They walked into the place. "Hello, welcome to the Cider Barrel. How can I help you?" The waiter asked nicely. She had on an orange Cider Barrel t-shirt and a Ponyville Cardinals cap.

 

"Table for four please?" Ludwig asked.

 

"Sure, follow me." The waiter said as they walked in looking at the Bar, the TV's and the loud music playing.

 

They sat down at a both, Sport and Twinkle Bloom on one side, and Ludwig and Rainbow on the other.

 

"What would you like to drink?" The waiter asked.

 

"We'll all take my favorite." Sport said.

 

"Sure thing and good job today on those homeruns!" The waiter said happily.

 

"Thank you so much." Sport said with a smile.

 

"Before I go get your drinks, if my boss doesn't catch me, can you sign my Ponyville Cardinals hat?" The waiter asked taking it off her hat and showing it to Sport.

 

Sport just smiled. "Sure." He took the hat and signed "Sport" next to the Cardinals logo. "There you go." Sport said.

 

"Oh thank you so much!" She said so happily. "Sorry, it's just that you're my favorite player."

 

"It's all good ma'am." Sport said continuing to smile.

 

"Ok, I'll be back with your drinks!" She said and left.

 

"Wow, you're a rookie and you're getting this much popularity! You're a star!" Rainbow Shine said.

 

"Well, it has been a good first season so far." Sport said.

 

"You are just the sweetest." Twinkle Bloom said nuzzling him.

 

"Oh you." Sport said blushing.

 

"Awwwww." Ludwig and Rainbow said.

 

"Sport and Twinkle Bloom, kissing in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Rainbow Shine sung happily.

 

Sport and Twinkle Bloom giggled.

 

The waiter came back if the drinks. "Ok guys, here are your drinks. Can I start you guys off with a appetizer?" She asked.

 

"Hmmm, what do you guys want?" Sport asked.

 

"I was thinking we can start out with chips and queso if that's ok with you." Ludwig said.

 

"My favorite!" Sport said.

 

"He does love chips and queso, he eats it when he has the chance." Twinkle Bloom said putting her hoof around him.

 

Sport blushed again and smiled. "Yeah, I do."

 

"Sounds yummy! We'll have that." Rainbow Shine smiled at the waiter.

 

"Ok, would you like salsa with that too?" The waiter asked.

 

They all looked at each other and nodded.

 

"Sure." Sport said.

 

"Ok, and would you like a few more minutes to decide what you want for dinner?" She asked.

 

"Yes please." Sport said smiling.

 

 "Ok, I'll be back." She said.

 

"Ok, so let's talk about the trip." Ludwig said taking a sip of his cider.

 

"Yeah like what do we want to see, hotels, beaches and such. As a matter fact, Twinkle Bloom is from Long Beach in Las Pegasus." Sport said.

 

"That's right, I could help out." Twinkle Bloom said smiling. "I now Las Pegasus quite well." She added.

 

"Awesome! That's even better!" Rainbow Shine said starting to get excited again. "Oh my gosh! I can't believe we're going to LAS PEGASUS!"

 

"Ok sister, come down." Ludwig said. "

 

"Sorry, it's just that I'm very excited!" Rainbow Shine said shyly.

 

"It's ok buddy. We all get excited for something at times. Like when I was drafted by the Ponyville Cardinals, first overall pick!" Sport said. "Oops, now I've gotten a little excited."

 

They all laughed. The waiter then came by with chips and queso and asked what they wanted for dinner.

 

Sport looked at the menu. "Hmmm, I'll have a plate of spaghetti." Sport said.

 

"I'll have a Caesar Salad." Twinkle Bloom said shyly smiling.

 

"I think I'll have…Grilled Cheese Sandwhich with Tomato Soup." Rainbow Shine said.

 

Ludwig looked at Rainbow, "I'll have what she's having." They laughed.

 

"Ok, I'll make that happen!" The waiter happily said as they started eating chips and queso.

 

"Mmm, this is good!" Rainbow Shine said.  

 

"I agree!" Ludwig said.

 

"Told you so." Sport said chuckling.

 

"Ok, so what do you guys want to do? There are many golf courses, casinos, shops, beaches and clubs there. As long as you don't go overboard." Twinkle Bloom said.

 

"Hmm, well first, any good hotels that you would recommend?" Ludwig asked.

 

"Oh yes, there is one called the Mannehattan Hotel. There's the MGM Hotel and such. I really like the Mareiott Hotel however because it's affordable and it's always a comfortable visit." Twinkle Bloom said.

 

"Ok, we'll go with that." Sport said as they all nodded yes.

 

"We can all stay in the same room if there's five of us. There's two big beds and a couch so yeah. Perfect!" Twinkle Bloom said.

 

"Sounds great sweetie!" Sport said.

 

"Ok, we got that out of the way. What's next?" Rainbow Shine said eating a chip covered in queso cheese.

 

"What do we do when we're there, it seems." Ludwig said.

 

"Ok. Well on Tuesday and Thursday, I have games, both at night. So let's not party too much on those days." Sport said.

 

"Yeah, I don't think your coach would be that happy." Twinkle Bloom chuckled.

 

"Yeah. I don't want to disappoint my fans or anything." Sport said.

 

"No problem buddy." Ludwig said with a smile.

 

"Ok then." Sport smiled.

 

"We should so go to Applewood too! It's not that far away." Rainbow Shine said.

 

"Really? Sounds great! So many celebrities live there!" Ludwig said.

 

"Yeah, we could see what Bellevery Hills looks like too." Sport said.

 

"I know! And about the hotel. Can I have a bed so I can cuddle with Strikey Wikey?" Rainbow Shine asked.

 

Sport chuckled, "Of course. Ludwig?" He asked.

 

"Sure, I'll take the couch, pull-out or not." Ludwig said.

 

"Ok, everything seems to be looking good. I'll stop by the Town Hall and pick up a flyer of Las Pegasus for more details." Sport said.

 

Suddenly, one of his friends and newest Princess, Twilight Sparkl overheard this and walked over to Sport. "Hey Sport!" Twilight said.

 

"Oh hey Twi, how's it going?" Sport said happily.

 

"I'm doing good. You?" She said.

 

"Good." Sport said.

 

"I couldn't help but overhear you guys discussing a trip to Las Pegasus. So I got you this little info book about Las Pegasus." Jon said.

 

"Thank you so much!" Sport said brohoofing her.

 

"No problem. Anything for my friends." Twilight said happily.

 

"Are you enjoying being a Princess?" Sport asked.

 

"It's a lot of hard work. But I'm doing fine." She said. "I'm just here hanging with the girls."

 

"That's cool. My wife Twinkle Bloom is from Long Beach, so she knows about Las Pegasus." Sport said.

 

"Good, there's a lot of good and bad things in Las Pegasus. Try not to party to much." Twilight pointed out with a smile.

 

"Haha, I bet there is." Sport said. "I remember being there a couple times for a baseball tournament when I was younger. Good times." Sport said.

 

"Ok, you guys take care. You might want to leave early too." Twilight said with a smile.

 

"Ok, thanks Twilight." Sport said.

 

"Have fun guys!" She said back.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That night, they all gathered at Sport and Twinkle Bloom's home to discuss when to meet up.

 

"That was great food!" Rainbow Shine said rubbing her tummy. "Oh Strikey Wikey?" She asked.

 

Striker ran up to her and hugged his foalsitter. Striker giggled and snuggled in with her.

 

"Ohhhh!!!!! You're just the cutest colt ever!" She said.

 

They all smiled and D'awwwwwed.

 

"So anyway, both games against the Angels are 8:00pm first pitches on Tuesday and Thursday. Lets make sure we don't do anything stupid leading up to those games." Sport said.

 

"Definitely!" Ludwig said.

 

"As Twilight said, we have to leave early. Maybe around….hmmm." Sport thought.

Twinkle Bloom checked the train schedule near the back of the book for Ponyville times. "The first one is at 6am." She said.

 

"Ok, we'll leave by then. Does that sound good with everypony?" Sport asked.

 

They all nodded yes.

 

"I'll take Crystal to Fluttershy after this is all set and done." Twinkle Bloom said.

 

"That's cool, you're good." Sport said.

 

"Ok then." Ludwig said pulling out a schedule. "This sounds dumb and we can change it, but here's the schedule of what we can do in LP."

 

"Looks really good! Don’t you guys think so?" Sport said.

 

They all nodded in agreement.

 

Sport looked over at the clock. "Well, it's getting late. It's 11pm. We better head off to bed and catch the train in time. Remember everypony. Set you alarms to 5 or 5:30am so you have enough time to pack, eat breakfast and freshen up." Sport said.

 

"Sounds great Sport see you in the morning! You too my lil Strikey Wikey!" Rainbow Shine said to Striker.

 

"Bye Rainbow Shine." Striker said giving her a hug

 

They all split and Twinkle Bloom went to take Crystal to Fluttershy. Sport and Striker went to their beds.

 

"So, do you think I'm old enough to go with you?" Striker asked.

 

"You're a good little colt who deserves it. Plus Rainbow Shine is also a good foalsitter towards you. Ludwig is a good pony too, all four of us are here for bud. Don't you forget that." Sport smiled and winked.

 

Striker smiled back, "Thanks big brother." He said yawning.

 

"No prob dude. Now get some rest, I'll wake you in the morning." Sport said.

 

"Ok, goodnight Sport." Striker replied.

 

"Goodnight Striker, we're going to have a good time." Sport said.

 

Twinkle Bloom entered the house a few minutes later, walked up into Sport's room, lied down and cuddled with him.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile over at Ludwig and Rainbow's house…..

 

"Whew, it's nice to get some time off from guard duty. I'm bushed." Ludwig said.

 

"Yeah, but I'm so excited to go to Las Pegasus!" Rainbow Shine squeed in excitement.

 

"Haha, yeah. Now get some rest. You can cuddle with you little, 'Strikey Wikey on the train tomorrow." Ludwig chuckled.

 

"Hey! He's adorable. And besides, try not to eat anything off the floor like Sport lets you during guard duty." She joked back.

 

"Hey, it was strawberry ice cream and plus it was only one time." Ludwig said.

 

"Haha, I know, I just like to mess with you." She said.

 

"I know you do. Now go ahead and get some rest little sister. See you in the morning." He said walking into his bedroom.

 

"Ok, nighty night Ludwig." She said walking into her bedroom.

 

So with that, they all went to sleep as excitement builds up for their adventure to Las Pegasus.

Edited May 9, 2013 by Sonicrules831

[DJRainbowDash 723]

Its pretty good since you've just started writing, I remember when I first tried to publish something back on FF.net, it was a quarter of the length of this and pretty boring 

 

The dialogue is pretty solid, and I was able to get a gist of the personality of the characters pretty easily. 

 

However, there are a lot of things you could do to strengthen your writing and the story. First off, while the dialogue flows nicely, there is a lack of overall expression and emphasis on how the characters are feeling, and their emotions. Don't be afraid to write in adjectives and explain what the characters are experiencing as they talk. Like when Rainbow Shine gets extremely excited when she finds out she's going to Las Pegasus for the first time for example. Show her excitement, show how overjoyed and surprised she is. This kind of stuff adds meat to the bones of the story

 

Also, try using some description on some things. Show us how the weather is, or what a place looks like. For example, the inside of the bar they ate at, what did it look like? What kind of people were eating there, was is darker, was it an older bar or newer, do the floorboard squeak, is there even floorboards? etc etc. It adds a nice touch to be able to fully create an image of what your reading, and this goes for characters as well. 

 

I'll give you an example of what I mean. 

 

_____

 

The group made their way into their favorite bar, and were greeted with a bountiful amount of smells and sounds. A very enthusiastic bunch of colts were living it up by one of the corner televisions as they cheered their favorite hockey team, while their waiter chuckled in amusement as she watched. One of these waiters, a blond colored colt with red hair, passed by with a piping hot plate of chips and queso, causing Sport's mouth to quiver with excitement at the potential taste he would receive soon. They made their way to the front desk, anxious to get some grub in their bellies. 

 

  "Hello, welcome to the Cider Barrel. How can I help you?" The waiter questioned nicely, sending a smile their way. The sporty pony seemed as chipper as can be as a waiter, donning an orange Cider Barrel t-shirt along with Ponyville Cardinals cap, her long mane flowing out the back of it in a fashionable ponytail. 

 

___

 

This is the kind of stuff I meant. I'm not trying to bash the story at all in the slighest, and if I'm coming off as harsh at all, please let me know. I'm just trying to help out a bit buy giving you what I've learned from writing. 

 

I'm looking forward to chapter 2 btw

[Sonicrules831 520]

@DJRainbowDash: Thank you so much for the feedback. It's really helpful and Im glad you liked it. I know you're not bashing. That's really helpful feedback and I'm glad you can't wait for chapter 2

[DJRainbowDash 723]

@DJRainbowDash: Thank you so much for the feedback. It's really helpful and Im glad you liked it. I know you're not bashing. That's really helpful feedback and I'm glad you can't wait for chapter 2

 

Glad to help! 

 

This is the kind of stuff FIMfiction users should do, but most won't sadly.

 

They are definitely a tougher crowd to please, and I've figured that much out. Eventually I plan on putting some stuff up on there, hopefully my writing is good enough for it =P

[Ruddboy Olaf 10,627]

I love it!!

Another great fanfic dude,screw the comments on FIMfiction.

Can't keep you down!!

Keep up the great work!!!!

 

May i ask why that it is

posted twice?

 

Might want to edit that.

 

Overall,it was a great read.

 

Can't wait for Chapter 2.

 

Brohoof!!!

/)

[Blue Moon 6,336]

Now before I begin with my review, let me say this. I am not trying to bash your story and if it feels that way, it is unintentional. I will be giving instructive criticism. But first, I will put a couple of things I did like.

 

I liked how you didn't put too little dialogue in the story which, including myself, many other writers often do. Also, this is pretty good and I didn't find any grammar or spelling errors which is pretty rare for a beginner's fanfiction. So, kudos to you for getting that right. But I have a bit of a problem with the dialogue.

 

While the dialogue is definitely not in short supply, this is a bit of a problem and I found there to be a bit too much dialogue. It felt like just a really big dialogue and very few actions occurred. Try to go into more detail and add more action and a bit less dialogue to balance it out. Make a nice mix of the two and they well blend well and will improve the overall presentation. Like DJRainbowDash said, adding more details in crucial in giving meat to a story, especially in a third person viewpoint story. They paint a better picture in the reader's head. My next two complaints are pretty common in beginner fanfiction, so don't feel too bad. They are extremely difficult to get right. I have made them before as well.

 

First has to do with the dialogue in it. The dialogue in this story was extremely awkward. Now, don't feel too bad, as I know from experience that this along with my next complaint are notorious for being hard to get right. For advice, I recommend reading other fanfiction or stories in general to see how the author writes the dialogue. Dialogue needs to flow otherwise the story will appear choppy. 

 

For my final criticism, I recommend reading other stories for pacing examples as well. The pacing in this fanfiction went by two fast. This goes with what I said about detail and dialogue. Adding more details and improving the dialogue will greatly improve the pacing. So, take your time and go through each scene carefully.

 

So, just work on that and you will be on your way to making better fanfictions and a better writer in general. Good luck!

 

 

@

 

While FIMFiction comments tend to be a bit harsher, that is because the readers often don't know the writer as a friend, unlike in the forums, therefore they aren't afraid of offending the writer which is something most friends would be afraid of. And, not all comments on FIMFiction are stupid. I have gotten great tips from some of them, even some that were very harsh. So, don't ignore comments and actually read them. They often can be very useful. But most FIMFiction users have very high expectations, so harshness is expected. Just don't let them get to you.

 

 

[Ruddboy Olaf 10,627]

Now before I begin with my review, let me say this. I am not trying to bash your story and if it feels that way, it is unintentional. I will be giving instructive criticism. But first, I will put a couple of things I did like.

 

I liked how you didn't put too little dialogue in the story which, including myself, many other writers often do. Also, this is pretty good and I didn't find any grammar or spelling errors which is pretty rare for a beginner's fanfiction. So, kudos to you for getting that right. But I have a bit of a problem with the dialogue.

 

While the dialogue is definitely not in short supply, this is a bit of a problem and I found there to be a bit too much dialogue. It felt like just a really big dialogue and very few actions occurred. Try to go into more detail and add more action and a bit less dialogue to balance it out. Make a nice mix of the two and they well blend well and will improve the overall presentation. Like DJRainbowDash said, adding more details in crucial in giving meat to a story, especially in a third person viewpoint story. They paint a better picture in the reader's head. My next two complaints are pretty common in beginner fanfiction, so don't feel too bad. They are extremely difficult to get right. I have made them before as well.

 

First has to do with the dialogue in it. The dialogue in this story was extremely awkward. Now, don't feel too bad, as I know from experience that this along with my next complaint are notorious for being hard to get right. For advice, I recommend reading other fanfiction or stories in general to see how the author writes the dialogue. Dialogue needs to flow otherwise the story will appear choppy. 

 

For my final criticism, I recommend reading other stories for pacing examples as well. The pacing in this fanfiction went by two fast. This goes with what I said about detail and dialogue. Adding more details and improving the dialogue will greatly improve the pacing. So, take your time and go through each scene carefully.

 

So, just work on that and you will be on your way to making better fanfictions and a better writer in general. Good luck!

 

 

@

 

While FIMFiction comments tend to be a bit harsher, that is because the readers often don't know the writer as a friend, unlike in the forums, therefore they aren't afraid of offending the writer which is something most friends would be afraid of. And, not all comments on FIMFiction are stupid. I have gotten great tips from some of them, even some that were very harsh. So, don't ignore comments and actually read them. They often can be very useful. But most FIMFiction users have very high expectations, so harshness is expected. Just don't let them get to you.

I have never wrote a fanfic before,so i can't criticize.

I have seen some of the comments Sonicrules's fanfic got.

Most of them were about how Twinkle Bloom was a recolor

of Fluttershy,isn't that dumb.Nonsense,maybe the users

on FIMfiction could have gave him tips,but most of them

just complained or whined.Not trying to be mean,not all

FIMfiction users are harsh,but most of them expect too

much from a beginner.

 

You rock Sonicrules831!!!

Keep up the great work!!

/)

[Sonicrules831 520]

@CrazytheRandomPony: Holy crap. I didn't even notice. I'll fix that and also. Thank you so much. /)

 

@Blue Moon: Thanks for the feedback, my friend on Facebook liked it and told me the same thing lol. I have a bad habit at when I attempt to do fanfics but I'll make sure Chapter 2 is even better

[Windwaker 194]

Ok, first off, this isn't a place for Fanfics. Please move this to FIMfiction, please.

 

Second, you told me about this and I was hyped. But when I read it, the hype went away. 

 

No offense or anything, but the first chapter wasn't that good. It wasn't BAD, but it wasn't that good either. But I'll read the second and see how it goes. (But I hope you don't ruin my OC in that, since I'm going to be in it later with THE GREAT AND POWERFUL BABS SEED!)

 

Overall 7/10

[Blue Moon 6,336]

Ok, first off, this isn't a place for Fanfics. Please move this to FIMfiction, please.

 

Second, you told me about this and I was hyped. But when I read it, the hype went away. 

 

No offense or anything, but the first chapter wasn't that good. It wasn't BAD, but it wasn't that good either. But I'll read the second and see how it goes. (But I hope you don't ruin my OC in that, since I'm going to be in it later with THE GREAT AND POWERFUL BABS SEED!)

 

Overall 7/10

Actually, this is Octavia's Hall, meaning all forms of art, including fanfiction, go here. And plus, this particular section is called "Fan Fiction" meaning it belongs here.

[Sonicrules831 520]

Chapter 2 is up

 

 

Chapter 2: The Train to Las Pegasus

It was 5:15am and the sun hadn't risen yet, but was getting ready to. Ponyville had the perfect temperature for spring and a nice breeze swept through town. Sport and Twinkle Bloom were cuddling around the time their alarm went off. Twinkle Bloom and Sport slowly opened their eyes and stared at each other. Sport was the first one to speak.

 

"Good morning sweetheart." Sport yawned.

 

"Good Morning my love." Twinkle Bloom replied still half-awake.

 

Sport then got out of bed and looked out of the window. He opened it and felt the breeze run through him. His mane blowed with the wind. He saw the train station in the distance.

 

"Well Twinkle Bloom," Sport said closing the window. "That felt nice, anyway we might as well get a move on. We can sleep more on the train. I'll go wake up Striker." Sport said walking over to Striker's room.

 

Twinkle Bloom got up after that as Sport opened Striker's door. Striker was in a little ball cuddling his blanket.

 

"Awwww." Sport thought to himself. "He's probably dreaming of his foalsitter again."

 

"I have…..the best….foalsitter…." Striker mumbled in his sleep. He huggled his blanket close to him and silently slept.

 

"Awwww, that's so cute!" Twinkle Bloom whispered to Sport.

 

"Yeah it sure is. By the way, you can hit the shower first." Sport said to her happily.

 

"Ok thanks! You're such a sweetie!" She squeaked as she kissed him on the cheek.

 

"Hey Striker, time to wake up buddy." Sport said.

 

Striker moaned and mumbled, "But I don’t' want to….."

 

"I know dude, you can sleep on the train and cuddle with Rainbow Shine ok?" Sport said to him.

 

"Ok…." He mumbled and rolled out of bed.

 

"I'll go down and cook breakfast, you can take a shower next after Twinkle Bloom. We got time. We need to be out though by 5:45-5:50 so we can get to the train station, they'll met us there." Sport explained to Striker.

 

"Ok big brother." Striker replied still half-asleep.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------At 5:20am, Ludwig woke up over at his and his sisters' house. He looked at the clock that read, "5:20am."

 

"Well, at least I'm now used to being up at this time." Ludwig chuckled to himself.

 

He walked over to his sister's bedroom. Rainbow Shine was sleeping and cuddling with her teddy bear and was ignoring her alarm going off.

 

"Hey sis, time to wake up." Ludwig called to her.

 

"But I don't wanna…." She mumbled.

 

"Come on, if you get up, when we get on the train you can cuddle with your little Strikey Wikey." Ludwig tempted her.

 

"Strikey Wikey!" She exclaimed as she woke up. "The cutest little colt ever!" She added smiling adorably.

 

"There that woke you up." Ludwig laughed.

 

"We better get a move on too so we don't miss the train!" Rainbow Shine pointed to Ludwig.

 

"I know, we got time." Ludwig pointed towards the clock saying "5:22"

 

"Ok, I'm going to pack then." Rainbow slouched out of bed.

 

"Let me help you while I pack too." Ludwig went over to help.

 

"Shouldn't you be excited like last night?" Ludwig asked.

 

"Not yet, I'm too tired to be excited." Rainbow moaned.

 

"What about Striker?" He asked.

 

"Strikey!" She suddenly woke up again. "I must protect him, a lot of craziness goes on in Las Pegasus so I better be careful. No pony will hurt my wittle Strikey Wikey!" She announced.

 

Ludwig jumped, "Alrighty, don't worry. Sport is here too. He definitely won't let anypony touch Striker too." He calmly said.

 

"I know, he's just the cutest little colt ever." She said picking up her teddy bear and cuddling it as if it was Striker.

 

"Awww." Ludwig smirked.

 

"Oh stop it you!" She playfully pushed him.

 

Ludwig rolled his eyes and smirked again. He then proceeded to help her with packing for Las Pegasus. It only took them 7 minutes. It was 5:29am.

 

"Ok, we need to be at the train station in almost 20 minutes. Do you just want to take a shower and grab some breakfast and the train station?" Ludwig asked Rainbow.

 

"Yeah that's fine. Ladies first!" Rainbow replied walking to the shower.

 

"Don't take too long though!" Ludwig called back.

 

"I know!" She said closing the door.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's 5:40am over at Sport and Twinkle Bloom's house. Sport, Twinkle Bloom and Striker were packed and ready to go.

 

"Ok is everypony ready?" Sport asked.

 

"Yep!" Striker happily said. "I can't wait to see my awesome foalsitter!" He added jumping up and down.

 

"I know bro, you'll see her soon" Sport winked to him.

 

"I know." Striker replied.

 

"I'm ready." Twinkle Bloom said sweetly.

 

"Great, let's go then." Sport happily said as they walked out of the house with Sport locking it behind them.

 

They walked to the train station and got there around 5:45. The sun was beginning to rise a little as the breeze swept through their manes. They arrived, bought their train tickets and awaited for Ludwig and Rainbow Shine.

 

A couple minutes later they saw Ludwig and Rainbow Shine walking in the distance.

 

"Rainbow Shine!" Striker called to her.

 

"Strikey Wikey!!!" Rainbow Shine said putting her luggage down and running up to him. Striker jumped on Rainbow Shine and hugged her.

 

"Ohhhh! Who's my favorite little colt?" She adorably asked.

"Me!" Striker happily said jumping up and down.

 

"Ready for our little song?" She asked.

 

"Yeah!" He replied.

 

"Rainbows Rainbows, soaring through the skies. Below the colors you'll find... Striker and Rainbow Shine!" They sang and snuggled each other.

 

Ludwig picked up her things with his magic. "She's lucky I'm a unicorn." He joked to himself.

 

Ludwig bought two tickets for him and Rainbow, then he went to buy some muffins for them to munch on.

 

"I got muffins Rainbow, and if you guys want any, go ahead." Ludwig said to Sport, his wife, and little brother.

 

"We had breakfast but thanks bud!" Sport happily said.

 

"No prob, anything for a guard friend." Ludwig winked to Sport.

 

"ALL ABOOOAARRD!" The conductor called. "6AM TRAIN TO LAS PEGASUS NOW BOARDING!" He announced.

 

"Alrighty then, let's go." Sport said.

 

"Oh boy! I'm so excited!" Rainbow Shine exclaimed excitingly.

 

"Easy sis, don't take too much out of you." Ludwig joked.

 

"Hey, I'm just excited and-" She yawned. "And tired still."

 

They boarded the train, not many ponies were on this train. It was the five of them and maybe 4 other ponies. The train car was clean and the seats had soft green cushions. They put their luggage under their seats as Sport and Twinkle Bloom took a seat, Ludwig took a seat and offered Striker to sit with his foalsitter, Rainbow Shine. Striker obviously accepted it, took his blanket, and cuddled up next to her. Rainbow Shine wrapped her tail around him and kissed the top of his head, nuzzling his soft red mane.

 

"Get your rest my little Strikey Wikey. We're going to have so much fun together." She yawned.

 

Striker giggled and then fell asleep.

 

The clock struck at 6am and the conductor called, "ALL ABOOOAARRD! 6 O'CLOCK AM TRAIN TO LAS PEGASUS NOW DEPARTING!" He called out.

 

The conductor then entered the train and announced, "Welcome aboard the 6am train to Las Pegasus! We hope you enjoy the ride."

 

The train whistled out loud and puffed away from the station. The ride was very smooth. Sport saw Canterlot in the distance out side the window. He then looked at his wife Twinkle Bloom who was asleep cuddling up to him. He then looked outside the window again, the sun was rising with the sky bringing a beautiful red blush to the sky. The window happened to be open with the breeze running through him. He really loved it, but then he closed it so his wife wouldn't get cold. He knew it would be a long ride, so he fell asleep and cuddled with Twinkle Bloom. Ludwig had just got done eating a muffin, then he did the same thing and fell asleep.

 

The train to Las Pegasus has begun. But the craziness has yet to start.

Edited May 11, 2013 by Sonicrules831

[Ruddboy Olaf 10,627]

Awesome another chapter complete!!!

 

I love it!!!

 

There is nothing wrong with this fanfic.

 

Keep up the great work!!!

 

Can't wait for chapter 3!!!

 

[RainbowShine 86]

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?  I wanna get to Las Pegasus! 

[Sonicrules831 520]

Me: Haha, chapter 3 my friend. Chapter 3

Sport: Im glad you're on MLP forum now. The Fun has been Doubled! Yay

Striker: Rainbow Shine!!!

[Sonicrules831 520]

Alright, sorry for the wait. I hope you like Chapter 3

 

 

Chapter 3: Reaching Las Pegasus

 

It has been 2 hours, the sun was risen as the train chuffed through the Equestrian countryside. Couldn't have asked for a better day for a nice spring trip. The beautiful breeze and the sky was so clear. Sport's eyes slowly opened up and looked outside. Then he looked at Ludwig who looked like he just woke up. He then looked at Striker and Rainbow Shine who were playing a little game. He then looked at his cute wife Twinkle Bloom and she was still sleeping. Sport nuzzled her mane then looked out the window. He saw downtown Las Pegasus in the distance. He then opened the window to feel the morning breeze run through his mane. He stuck is head out the window. Then Twinkle Bloom woke up.

 

"Good morning sweetie." She yawned. "You look so….handsome with the wind blowing through your mane."

 

"Morning cutie and Thanks." Sport said blushing.

 

"Awww you're welcome." She said half-asleep.

 

Rainbow Shine and Striker looked at Sport after Twinkle Bloom woke up.

 

"Oh hi Sport!" Rainbow Shine happily said.

 

"Look guys!" Sport said putting his head back inside the train car. "Las Pegasus is up ahead!"

 

"Yay! Ohmygosh Ohmygosh Ohmygosh! It's Las Pegasus!" Rainbow Shine squeed in excitement.

 

"Ohhhh what are we going to do first! Applewood? The Beach? Ohhhh there's so much to do!" She added as she was jumping up and down.

 

Ludwig then calmed her down, "Easy sis, easy."

 

"Sorry I just can't help but be excited." Rainbow Shine blushed in embarrassment.

 

The conductor then called, "Ladies and gentlecolts, we will be arriving in Las Pegasus in about 5 minutes! We hope you've enjoyed your trip."

 

They all got really exctied and kept looking at the window. Las Pegasus, full of many casinos, hotels, buffets, beaches, and even on a clear day like this, you can see the Applewood sign.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The train chuffed into the Las Pegasus Train Station. They all grabbed their luggage and walked onto the platform. It was crowded with many ponies from all over Equestria, some even from outside Equestria. They walked inside the place where there was a nice, big lounge with a clerk at the desk and many ponies walking about. They walked up to the clerk. She was a yellowish-green mare with a blue mane and glasses. Sport asked about directions to the Mareiott Hotel.

 

"Excuse me ma'am? Do you know how to get to the Mareiott Hotel from here?" He asked.

 

She quickly recognized him. "Sport, of the Ponyville Cardinals?" She asked.

 

"Yep, that's me nice to meet you." Sport happily said.

 

"Wow, it's great running into an ELB player! I didn't think the Cardinals wouldn't come for another day." She said almost getting excited.

 

She cleared her throat, "Anyway, I would be glad to help." She said pulling out a map.

 

"You are here." She said pointing towards the map. "Then you walk out and go straight down this path, then take a right for a couple blocks, then take a left and it should be on your right." She pointed out.

 

"Thank you very much ma'am. Have a nice day!" Sport told her.

 

"Oh, you too Sport!" She called to him.

 

So they exited the station, the clock read 8:06am. Sport turned to his friends.

 

 "Ok, why don't we get to our hotel and then we could just kick back and relax for a bit. Then we could have lunch and hit the beach. Coach also told me the team will get here by tonight and we all meet up for dinner in Applewood. How does that sound?" Sport asked.

 

"That sounds delightful!" Twinkle Bloom said in a sweet tone.

 

"I'm in!" Ludwig smiled.

 

"Awesome! We're going to the beach!" Striker excitingly said.

 

Rainbow Shine just jumped up and down saying, "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!"

 

"I'll take that as you're cool with it. Alrighty then, to the hotel!" Sport announced.

 

"What about casinos?" Ludwig asked.

 

"I'm not sure. Striker is with us and he's a little too young." Sport said.

 

"I hear they recently started putting arcades in there for fillies and colts." Twinkle Bloom said.

 

"Really? Sounds good but still. I don't want to gamble too much although I get paid a lot" Sport chuckled.

 

"It'll be fine." Rainbow Shine said.

 

So the walked for a little bit to the hotel. They past by the palm trees that danced in the spring breeze and saw the famous "Las Pegasus Strip" in the distance. They saw Las Pegasus Motor Speedway, home to many pegasus races. They continued to walk and finally reached the hotel. It was tall enough to easily see Las Pegasus and Applewood.

 

"Well, here we are!" Ludwig announced.

 

The Mareiott Hotel was tall and it shined bright against the sunlight with the top of the tower entitled, "MAREIOTT." They walked inside and saw the lobby. It had a big lounge, with TV's, chairs, couches, and a buffet for breakfast and dinner. The place also had a fitness center, a gift shop and a swimming pool.

 

"Wow! This place is so awesome!" Rainbow Shine squeaked while squeezing her cheeks like Rainbow Dash would.

 

Ludwig went off to the gift shop with the others not noticing. He saw a pair of DJ glasses, like the ones DJ PON3 has. His eyes gazed at the pair. They were only 10 bits.

 

"Oh…my…gosh! I must have them. They're so cheap!" Ludwig gazed at the glasses. He walked in, quickly made his purchase and met back with them.

 

"Oh there you are." Sport said looking at him.

 

"Sorry, I couldn't keep my eyes off of this." Ludwig showed him the glasses.

 

"Oh wow! I know a friend who has this. I know DJ-PON3 has them. But I have another friend who has that same pair. But he told me they're rare to find and that they were custom made." Sport told them.

 

"Really? What's his name?" Ludwig asked.

 

"DJ-BRONI3." Sport replied. "He's originally from Mannehattan."

 

"Oh wow! That's awesome!" Ludwig said.

 

"I know right?" Sport smiled back.

 

They then proceeded to walk up to the front desk. The clerk was a pretty young mare who had a light green coat with a purple and white mane with glasses.

 

"Hello, how can I help you guys?" The clerk asked happily.

 

"Hey, we just got here and we're looking for a room." Sport said.

 

The clerk looked up and saw Sport and gasped. "You're the Ponyville Cardinals rookie!" She exclaimed.

 

Sport smiled nervously. "Yeah, that's me."

 

"I'm sorry." She then calmed down. "It's just awesome meeting any ELB players. Especially one who's a rookie player making a lot of noise on the field."

 

"Yeah. The rest of the team will come soon. But we all thought we could vacation here." Sport smiled nicely.

 

"Anyway, how many rooms, two?" She asked.

 

"Just one." Sport replied.

 

"We do have a room on the top floor if that's ok with you. It was a beds, a TV, a couch, that also makes a good bed and a restroom." She explained.

 

They all looked at each other and nodded in agreement. "Sounds good." Sport said.

 

"Ok, here are your room keys and enjoy your stay!" The clerk said happily handing over the room keys.

 

They walked over to the elevator. The elevator was the kind of elevator to where it was glass and you could see out of the elevator while going up. They got in and Striker hid behind Rainbow Shine, hugging her leg.
 

"Awww, it's ok Strikey. It'll be quick." Rainbow Shine said petting his mane.

 

"We're going up so high though." He said nervously.

 

"Aww Strikey Wikey, it's ok." She huggled him.

 

They got up and went to their room, room 554.

 

They opened the door and it's exactly what they saw what exactly was described. 2 beds, a couch, a TV, a little kitchen, and a bathroom. And outside the window was an amazing view of downtown Las Pegasus. It was so luxurious with a reasonable price of 20 bits per day. Rainbow Shine immediately picked up Striker and ran towards the bed to cuddle him. She squeezed him and giggled.

 

"Ohhhhh you're such a cute wittle colt!" She squeaked.

 

Striker giggled and snuggled in with her.

 

Sport looked at the clock, it read 9:00. "We can rest for a while. Then maybe we can hit the beach over there." He pointed out the window.

 

Rainbow Shine yawned. "Sounds like fun. But I'm going to cuddle with my Strikey Wikey first." She then wrapped her tail around him and fell asleep.

 

 "Yeah I'm tired too." Ludwig yawned lying on the couch. He lied his head on his pillow and fell asleep.

 

"Well Twinkle Bloom, want to snuggle?" Sport asked his wife.

 

"Of course sweetie!" She replied happily.

 

Sport and Twinkle Bloom hopped on the other bed and cuddled up next to each other. Sport immediately fell asleep as Twinkle Bloom placed her wing over him, and cuddled him.

 

They would then wake up at noon for the beach. But I'll give you that in Chapter 4   

[elbj 190]

Wow no wonder I couldn't find it on FiMFiction the whole story was posted here. You've definitely improved, adding in subtle references to the background and what people are doing or wearing goes a long way. Keep up the good work.

[Ruddboy Olaf 10,627]

Awesome!!!  You have definitely gotten better at descriptions. 

 

I look forward to Chapter 4.

 

This is such a cute fanfic,with the words huggle,snuggle,and nuzzle.

 

Man,do your ponies sleep a lot,they just woke up and now they are already in bed.

 

Nice little touch,mentioning DJ-BRONI3 and all.

 

Keep up the good work!!!!

 

    

[Sonicrules831 520]

@Jble: Thank you!

 

@Crazy: Thanks! The reason they fell asleep is because they're still a little tired from the train ride lol. The story will start by them waking up at noon and they eat lunch and have fun at the beach

And yes, DJ-BRONI3 is a good friend of mine on here so why not lol