PrymeStriker

Oh, hello there. *sips tea* .......... Well, it's been a few weeks, hasn't it? ...Yeah....well, I didn't exactly plan to miss the last two weeks, but shit happens. At least I'm back now, and I intend on getting out three reviews today so that I can be all caught up with myself. What great fun for everyone. And just in time too, I suppose, since we've barely made it into season four. Ah, great, I can now officially say I've "binge watched" the show. Somebody kill me. So we just finished the "Princess Twilight Sparkle" two-parter, which was fucking epic. Let's see what other treasures lie ahead. This is "Castle Mane-ia!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This episode opens up with Twilight searching through books trying to learn more about the secret chest that came from the Tree of Harmony. Aha, and the plot thickens! Then Celestia interrupts Twilight to send her to the old castle from that flashback where Celestia sent Luna to the moon in search of more information on the matter. There, Twilight finds a library, in which she explodes in glorious glee. My Equestria Girls PTSD is not completely repressed I see. Meanwhile, Spike doesn't like the place because spiders, but fuck him I guess. After the title sequence gives me tonsils in my asshole, we see Rainbow Dash and Applejack in the middle of a "most daring pony" contest. The Bee Movie but it's My Little Pony: Friendship is Magi- ...........WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE. JOSH HABER?! N-n-noNONONO. You, you're not telling me, this is Josh Haber's FIRST EPISODE is it?! .....JOSH HABER? Writer of cancer-spreading "SIMPLE WAYS" JOSH HABER?!?!??!?! *inhale* FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God I miss doing these reviews. Well, let's see if Josh Fucklord Haber manages to send me into hyperdrive this time. After the beekeeper commands his bees return to him, and Pinkie Pie trots off to ring the new school bell, Applejack and Rainbow Dash decide that to determine the most daring pony, they will venture in to the abandoned Castle of the Two Sisters...............which is where Twilight and Spike are. ....... Oh, and now where Rarity and Fluttershy are going there too in search of fabric. How convenient. I wonder how this story's going to end, huh? It's totally not predictable. So, let's see, whose story will we follow first? Ah, how about the slut and the tranny. There's a story that's sure to have a happy ending. The two of them find their tapestries or whatever the fuck you call them in a branching room, and Rarity asks Fluttershy to fly up and lift it off of its hook. In doing so, she activates a hidden door that separates the two. It's not the biggest thing Rarity's seen rotate vigorously. In this instance, the rotating wall happens to turn in a room that Rainbow Dash and Applejack are in, and Fluttershy's frantic motions make them think there's really a ghost haunting the castle. Of course, the wall turns once more to return Fluttershy to Rarity, causing another problem altogether when its revealed she'd hurt her wing. A surprisingly hilarious dialogue takes place when Rarity explains that Fluttershy must've activated a secret door, to which she briskly and almost completely blankly replies "Oh, I'm sorry." It's the little things you know? Like Bill Maher's dick. Little things like that are hilarious. Anyways, while Rarity and Fluttershy fall in a hole, Rainbow Dash and Applejack try to prove to each other that their not scared of the castle, and Twilight and Spike continue studying. That's when Angel (oh, yeah, he's here too, refer to the above screencap) comes into Twilight's room and inadvertently opens up another door which reveals the Journal of the Two Sisters. Jesus Christ, there's the Castle of the Two Sisters, the Journal of the Two Sisters. What's next? The Cup of the Two Sisters?! .......wait, NO, DON'T! It's okay, Spike. We'll get through the fanfics together. So while Fluttershy and Rarity try to figure their way out of the hole, Applejack and Rainbow Dash bicker as the walk through a hallway of hanging, disembodied pony legs. That...actually is creepy. Imagine if there was a hallway with a bunch of severed human legs hanging off the wall. That's fucked up. This episode just received some macabre points. As Rarity sticks her hoof through a hole (heheh) which happens to touch Rainbow Dash in the creepy hallway, both ponies are spooked by their contact and assume "ghost". Then Fluttershy finds the lever that switches them out of the hole. Great. Anyways, there's this great shot in the middle here where it shows Twilight and Spike on one floor, and then the camera pans down the next floor where Fluttershy and Rarity are briefly seen walking along before it pans down to the next floor, which shows a mysterious figure playing a pipe organ that Applejack and Rainbow Dash walk by. A predictable structure this episode might have, but it sure has quite a few interesting overlapping plots. Maybe this episode isn't too bad? We'll see when it's over. For now we have to watch the pipe organ trigger SJWs and boobie traps throughout the castle, sending many of our main characters astray. Well daymn. The thot just plickened! So, I normally go through what subplot is going where, but this late in the story, there's a lot of shit happening at once. Rainbow Dash getting crushed by armor and running off, Applejack going down a dark staircase, Rarity tumbling around, Spike shitting himself, Fluttershy looking for angel. It's just chaos. Let's just skip all the shit and say everyone get's fucking lost, fed-up, and curious, emotionally torn apart, and on the brink of suicide, but they all end up in the middle of the castle in hysterical panic. Then Twilight comes in and freezes everyone and tells them all to STFU, 'cause she's a princess now, and she can do that authoritatively. At this point, they all hear the pipe organ playing and decide to investigate. When they do, they find out that the mare behind all the mayhem was Pinkie Pie. Praise her. Well, maybe you can trigger boobie traps with that organ, but can you play "Gangnam Style"? That's what I thought, bitch. After Pinkie Pie spouts out her convoluted explanation for being in the castle, they all go back up to the room Twilight was in to recover. There, she explains that reading the journal about the past helped her keep a level head in regards to what was happening in the present, which is complete bullshit, but I digress. Twilight comes up with a great idea. They should keep a journal about their adventures, so that they can learn from each other and someday somepony else can learn from them! What a fantastic idea that could lay the foundation for a grand legacy for our main characters. Just one problem; what the fuck ever happened to that. Like, I fucking remember in season four they had that going for a little while, but then, to my recollection, it disappeared off the face of the goddamn earth, never to be mentioned again. I can't even find out on the wiki what happened to it. It makes an appearance in the first part of the finale, but after that it's all abandoned, and I don't remember it being in season five at all. What a shame. About as unimportant and unmemorable as a Rolling Stones record. And so concludes "Castle Mane-ia". ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The beginning and the end of this episode did not impress me. In the beginning, I could smell the ending coming a mile away, and in the end, I was unmoved by Pinkie Pie's phoned-in explanation for being a part of this plotline. However, I don't think this is a bad episode. Quite the contrary. Yes, the structure was predictable, but everything in between was fucking exhilarating. Watching each of our characters arrive at this shared location in pairs and then slowly be split apart and reconnected one by one until they all regroup was this really gripping ordeal that I didn't expect to be so engaged in. To me, the episode ended when they all got together, because then I knew what was to come. Not even the Friendship Journal proposal satisfied me since I know it was completely scrapped after this season. Still, the interconnected plotlines I find immense interest in even to this day, so I think the whole episode balances out to roughly an 8/10. Geg. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay, so that's one down and two to go. The next episode on the list is "Daring Don't", which would've been last weeks review. Will it continue season four's so far consistent quality, or will it crash and burn in a fiery inferno? I sure hope it daring don't.........'cause I'm fucking tired and I can't be bothered with a shit episode. Tune back in a few hours for the continuation of... Three Reviews. One Day.

Previously on My Little America: Trump is Our Fucking President Now. President Trump: "We need to build a walrus, and that's what's happening whether you like it or not!" PrismStore: "My blood pressure's spiked and I think I'm growing a vagina on my neck." Twilight Sparkle: "Sarah, this is an intervention. We're concerned about you." Deathmare: "(Bell tolls once) Well now. I seen this one before to myself. Since I do know why Princess Luna wanted power so badly . Such a shame though, she almost destroyed herself by becoming Nightmare Moon. Luckily she survived that rainbow attack from those certain items the Equestria girls picked up. I wonder if I could find those items. I know they are around there and I can sense it. Well its just me assuming, but hey why would I do something naive like what Luna was trying to do. Just an example. So me being the reaper here. I do know that Scuffy right now is being told his time is up, which is not true in fact. (Sigh) Why do these people jump the gun right away and are guessing someone is next? No one is going to hit the bucket. Unless if they did something they will regret. Oh well, time will tell if that happens. I wonder if they mentioned me in the other forums. Hmm. (Bell tolls once)" PrymeStrrr: "Rough day, huh?" Nightcare Noon: "There can only be one princess in Equestria, and his name is JOHN CENA." Cue the title sequence! (BAH BAHDAH BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. BAH BAHDAH BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.) Spoilers ahead. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So Part 2 opens up revealing that Twilight is, in fact, envisioning the past, when Princess Luna actually first became Nightmare Moon and the events leading up to her banishment to the moon for a thousand years. Well, holy shit, man. That's pretty cool. We actually see the torment Celestia goes through trying to save her sister but ultimately having to banish her to the moon. That's really nice, since it seemed so contrived in the pilot. However, that flashback doesn't give Twilight many answers, so she takes another sip to see when Discord was first turned to stone. Here, Discord is seen eating some odd looking black seeds before being blasted with the gay rights beam, and following this, Twilight learns about a mysterious macguffin called the Tree of Harmony. Looks like a dick to me. Then again, everything looks like a dick to me. Twilight deduces that this is where she and her friends need to go. 'Cept there's one problem. It's in the heart of the Everfree Network. DEAR GOD. THE HORRORS. TERRIBLE INTERVIEWS, POINTLESS DEBATES! IT'S LIKE AN AMERICAN ELECTION! And now with it branching out across the world?! We're doomed! Needless to say, the six of them do venture into the forest seeking out the tree, and reach a....Cragadile? The fuck is a Cragadile? A stoned crocodile? Why didn't you just say Keith Richards was attacking the ponies in the first place? So it seems the Cragadile Keith Richards has Twilight and Spike cornered, but the other five scare him off with good music and save their beloved princess. Except, since Twilight is such a hindrance to the mission, and her princess status makes her more important than the others, they she should wait behind to spare her life. This is further twisting the knife of Twilight's strife to stay connected with her friends despite her new duties. I fucking love this premiere, you know? Alas, Twilight fucks off into the corner. "Money don't fuck friends! I need a homie that know me when all these motherfuckin' cops be on me!" I should mention no soundtrack plays during this scene at all, which is beautiful. I fuckin' love this premiere, you know? Meanwhile, back in Utopia, Discord is filing his nails with Gummy's back when Twilight confides in him. But Discord has no time for Twilight's shit, so he tells her to go back into the forest and find her friends so they can all stay united or something. While the other five actually manage to find the Tree of Harmony, Twilight is attacked by queefing vagina plants. The Five Fuckers soon regret sending Twilight away when they learn they can't just untangle the vines and weed from around the youth of America the Tree of Harmony, and are in need of some brainy-smart plans. Luckily, Spike runs to tell them that Twilight's in trouble, and they all go back to kick those vagina plant's asses. Then they all realize that friendship is magic as per usual. "Remember me I'm your homie that was there on the brawl. Sippin' Hennessy, hangin' with the clans and all." When they arrive at the Tree of Harmony, Twilight recalls a quote from Celestia during one of her potion-induced drug trips, which talked about the Elements of Harmony being able to control all that grows here (in the Tree of Harmony's cave). So the grand princess deduces that they should give the tree the elements, although the others don't initially agree. "How will we protect Equestria?" "Aren't the elements what keep us together?" "Which one of these six South Park characters will be killed off next season?" These questions all rumble among the crowd, but Twilight assures them that their friendship will exist without the elements of harmony. So, with everyone united, Twilight places the elements on their slots in the tree, which breaks those fugly vines from around the tree and frees Celestia and Luna. Apparently, the vines were trapping the two princess at their collective base, which must've been painful as fuck. Alas, they have returned, and the tree has sprouted a new season-long story arc. "So...I'll get the chainsaw?" When they get back to Ponyville, Discord is there inquiring about their lack of Elements of Harmony, in which they admit are gone. This logically leaves the door open for Discord to unleash his havoc again, but Fluttershy gives him the disapproving speech from Hell which makes him snap out of it and help them clean up. He also happens to admit that those seeds Discord was eating back when Celestia and Luna first turned him to stone were the seeds that were meant to overcome the Tree of Harmony thousands of years ago, but only managed to sprout up now. Well, fuck, talk about a turnaround time. In the end, the ponies return to Canterlot for the Summer Sun Celebration, where all ties are knotted in a bow. Celestia gets to relaunch the celebration as the return of Princess Luna, and Twilight even gets to do her Sonic Rainboom rip-off. All's well in Equestria once again. "And when you're stuck, where the fuck is all your friends? They straight busted, and can't be trusted, fuck 'em!" And so concludes "Princess Twilight Sparkle" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10/10. Everything that was great about part 2 I already mentioned in part 1, except now everything came full circle. Twilight's feeling of disconnect with her friends regarding her being a princess was fleshed out by the other five wanting to preserve her and send her away, and came full circle when both parties realized they were stronger as a unit. With Celestia, we saw the torment of banishing her sister to the moon up close and her joy when announcing the Summer Sun Celebration's new glory in the return of Luna. Discord was still a riot as usual, and such praise rarely needs any reiteration. Then of course, the animation was still beautiful in this part, and the fact that we're embarking on a new story arc for the season just inflates the glory of what's to come tenfold. Like I said about part 1, this is the ultimate make-up for the My Little Pony: Equestria Girls travesty, and the absolute best way the season could've started. The whole premiere gets a solid 10/10 average from me. Exceptional work. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, I guess I had nothing to worry about after all. Part 2 was just as good as part 1, and none of it reminded me of the shittiness of Equestria Girls. All we have ahead of us is 24 episodes of season four, and that will likely begin the Friday after next Friday. For you see, this week I'm headed for a vacation in Vegas. Why, pray tell, would a teenage demon want to go to Vegas? I say why, pray tell, would a teenage demon not want to go to Vegas? I wanted to write the "Castle Mane-ia" review in advance so that all I had to do was post the entry on Friday, but that didn't happen because I just happened to get a sickness a day this week. First it was a headache, then a sore throat, then sinus problems, then I had two vaginas on my neck, all wrapped in pearls....in my ass. So, worst case scenario, "Castle Mane-ia" will have to come on February 3rd, however I may be able to work on it in time. I can't promise anything, so keep your eyes pealed. But hey, at least I got to finish this incredible premiere. Catch you guys next time on... My Little Pony.... Magic!

Perhaps. I'm unfamiliar with his material. I'll take a look some time.

Rough day, huh?

*shivers* There's no place like home....there's no place like home. Yes there is, it's called Canterlot High. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. ... *ahem* Sorry, everyone. I'm a bit......on edge these days. Ever since treading the ground My Little Pony: Equestria Girls, I haven't been quite the same. My blood pressure's spiked and I think I'm growing a vagina on my neck. This would be the third time this has happened, as only two other incidents have caused such a reaction. Watching "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" and the aforementioned Satan-Detroit incident. However, this has only previously lasted one vomiting session and then I could call it quits. I reviewed Equestria Girls last Friday. Not even making my slaves endure the pain of having hot gold poured down their rectums has brightened my mood. I keep feeling like that fucking film is gonna drive me up a wall, or worse, turn me into a likable person. In any case, I do have to get on with my series reviews. You know, of the show, which is actually good. ...........except for when it's not.............which happens a lot........................................................I think I'm having a seizure right now. Okay, okay, I need to stop panicking. I'm...I'm a brute, man. I don't finna givashit bout 'nuttin. I can overcome this. I mean, it's not like a season premiere of this show has ever bombed as hard as My Little Pony: Equestria Girls. THE CRYSTAL EMPIRE (PART 2) Oh..............................right.................................*gulp* S.......sEaSoN fOuR.....*ahem*......................we'll just see h-how season four stacks up against the p-previous season. W-will it be better? I SURE HOPE IT'S BETTER. ..... .................T-this is "Princess Twilight Sparkle (Part 1)". Spoilers a-ahead. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - S-So this season opens up the curtains with Rainbow Dash............a....always a grand start..................hey, I think my sarcasm's back. That didn't take long. Thanks, Rainbow Dash, for being such an unlikable bitch cunt! Anyways, it opens up with Rainbow Dash teaching Twilight Sparkle how to fly, or as we'll learn later, to perform some kind of stunt for the Summer Sun Celebration. Because Twilight the bookworm would instantly become a masterful daredevil after receiving wings. And, hey, the Summer Sun Celebration. I guess season four is when it became one year since the start of the series. I....guess that makes a little more sense out of "Apple Family Reunion", but I still stand by the fact that it came too early in season three to qualify for jack shit. Speaking of apples, as Applejack namedrops her as Princess Twilight Sparkle, we learn that she's not even comfortable being called "Princess" by her friends....which I can understand. Hot shit, character depth. This is already an improvement over Equestria Girls! Twilight proceeds to nearly die, as well. Dirt are friends, not food. After the title sequence digests my testicles through my kidneys until my nipples have ears and fingers of their very own (oh hey, new title sequence), we see that Twilight now has a glass mural of herself in the castle. Jesus Christ, how many spare windows do they have for this shit? It's also at this point that I realized how much the animation has improved between the previous three seasons and this one. There's a lot more focus on depth, lighting, focal point, and other shit that was disregarded in previous seasons. GG, animators. They must not be getting paid for overtime....SAUSAGE PARTY. Anyways, as Applejack drones on about how much work the other five have to do back at Ponyville, Twilight now takes into account the fact that her new princess duties will require her to be separated from her friends. This, for once, is an example of the writers taking the show exactly where it needs to go. Twilight is feeling reluctant about moving on to bigger and better things at the risk of losing her friends. If this premiere is going the way I think it is, this might be one of the better premieres just by virtue of character development well-executed alone. But let's not jump the gun just yet. Later, when Princess Celestia shows up, we learn about how the Summer Sun Celebration was a dreadful reminder that she once had to banish her own sister to the moon. ...HOLY FUCK THE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IS OFF THE CHARTS AND WE'RE ONLY FIVE MINUTES IN. *jizz* So, let me get this straight. Both in five minutes, Equestria Girls managed to fuck up its entire plot, but this premiere is going to incredible lengths to establish two characters deep in development that has been long due for the benefit of the series. I feel like I'm getting my hopes up too much, but seriously, I'm already in love with "Princess Twilight Sparkle". And I DON'T want to see any clopfics made out of that sentence. While Twilight and Spike go over the checklist one more time, Princess Celestia leaves them be only to be seemingly kidnapped by a....vine. Well, damn, Daniel. Fuck me and my culture references. Vine is dead and gay. As a result, the next day, Twilight and the rest of the world notices that both the sun and the moon are in the sky, indicating the disappearances of both Princesses Celestia and Luna from existence. Well, SHIT. The stakes just skyrocketed. When the royal guard inform Twilight of this, they explain that this puts her in charge of both them and the kingdom as far as a search-and-rescue mission is concerned. Well, SHIT. The stakes just skyrocketed. Civil rights for purple ponies sure have come a long way. But who cares who those damn drunken grey ponies worship. With their sun kings and shit. Therefore, Twilight takes the initiative and commands them to look for clues regarding their disappearances, and to not stir up panic among the audience. In this moment, Twilight beautifully takes charge of the situation, proving that she was ready for Princess status after all. The ultimate "suck it" to the fanbase at this period in time. Astonishing. However, almost as immediately as these orders are given, Twilight is informed that the Everfree Forest is "invading" Ponyville. How could an entire forest invade a city, you might ask? Well, you see, the vines they are-a growing...all over the place. In Town Hall, at Sweet Apple Acres, and even Rarity's hooker house, killer vines are coming to ruin comedy once and for all. Therefore, Twilight clumsily flies her ass over to her friends so that they can get together and figure out what in the good flying fuck is going on. After some careful deduction, Twilight and company believe there's only one person of causing all this chaos. King Sombra, of course. So this premiere has set up very interesting character depth in Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia, and introduced Discord to the mix all in Part 1? My God, it's like Hell froze over. Although, as we quickly learn, Discord is even unsure of the nature or cause of the vines gone sexual predicament, calling to the forefront his innocence. The others don't buy it, with only Fluttershy coming to his defense, but without evidence, much is hanging in the question. Discord suggests that they ask Zecora, who happens to be trying to survive from her home going apeshit on the world. Even she doesn't know, but tells Twilight that if she drinks some magic potion thing, she might be able to uncover the answer to all of this insanity. This seems a little contrived at first, but if memory serves me right from what happens in Part 2 (and I barely remember any of this shit), then it actually doesn't cause too much of a discrepancy in the overall story considering it doesn't just spoon-feed her the answer. So, I'll let it slide for now. She drinks the potion and goes into the Avatar State or something before popping up in a strange place she's never been before. From behind two thrones emerges Princess Luna, speaking of how there can only be one princess in Equestria, and that it will be her. Enter.... NIGHTCARE NOON! What do you mean you smell shit? I didn't shit myself! FUCK YOU! As we continue on with this thrilling sce- ... E...err.........it....it says "To Be Continued". ....... S...So concludes "Princess Twilight Sparkle (Part 1)" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .... WELL FUCK YOU TOO, THEN. I was really getting into this premiere. I can't remember a time when I was so pissed at "To Be Continued". I never get pissed at that. This first part was just that good. It set up the depth we're about to explore with both Princess Celestia and Twilight Sparkle masterfully. With Twilight, we see that this new duty is not only taking a toll on her insecurities in the ability to lead, but also the fact that she'll have this disconnection between her friends, which we see is slowly being rectified as she reunites with them as the Elements of Harmony. With Celestia, we're about to really go into the pain that was banishing her sister to the fucking moon, which was begged of the series since episode one. On top of that, the animation is absolutely BEAUTIFUL here. Like, I don't think its ever been this good, not before 'nor after. The animators really put in time and effort to make this premiere the ultimate eye candy, and it really pays off. Also, no musical numbers. Holy shit, I never thought I'd see the fucking day. To top it all off, Discord shows up towards the end to put a stop to all my Equestria Girls PTSD. This is the ultimate make up for that film so far, and it's only the first part! For these reasons, I must give "Princess Twilight Sparkle (Part 1)" a 10/10. It's thoroughly made me excited for Part 2, and I think this is the best possible way season four could've started. This really exceeded my expectations. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- But what if this is like "The Crystal Empire" where Part 1 is good and Part 2 is a piece of shit? ... Aw, come on, now I'm conflicted again. To make matters worse, I have to wait a whole week to reach satisfaction. This is just like when I have sex. Well...tune in next week I guess when we break apart the second part of the glorious season four premiere of.. My Little Pony... Friendship... ...............................................................*cough*

Thanks for the compliments. The loud and crude humor is more of a product of my personality as well as a bunch of other influences and societal factors, but Nostalgia Critic is one of them. He was a big influence on my early reviews, and probably remains one with the over-the-top rage paragraphs. In any case, thanks for reading my entry.

That, and "it's not gay if it's a three-way." Well, luckily, Sunset Shimmer's forms in both worlds look like this:

JSRF was the first video game I ever played, and is still probably my favorite. Always good when I see someone else is aware these games exist since they're a cult following of sorts. Just the sight of this entry's title made me blow a creamy load.

There have been many trials in my life that I've had to overcome. I've had to overcome getting slaughtered by the FBI when they crushed me into a bloody pile of sludge with two military trucks. I've had to overcome being tortured in the fiery pits of Hell and still laughing in the face of the devil himself. I've had to overcome dueling one-on-one with Gandhi in the ultimate Pokemon match. I've had to overcome digging the fleas out of Satan's ass after his trip to Detroit. But none of that, will quite compare to the challenge I'll have to overcome today. I... will have to review.... Equestria Girls. *sigh*. Hold on to your nuts, folks. This is no ordinary blowjob. Alright, so, the big one. My Little Pony: Equestria Girls. Released in the summer of 2013, this film was the in-between of season three and season four. Fans across the globe were both hyping up and overdosing on prescription pills on the day of its release, and this movie was such a flop for fans of the series that the writers kicked it out of the show's canon (I think). God damn, I can't remember the last time something was so bad the creators had to completely disregard it. Is Equestria Girls really as shitty as everyone makes it out to be? Well, with the way I've been dreading this review, I certainly don't think I'll necessarily disagree. But there's always room for "improvement." So let's get this over with before I tie a noose around my neck with a paper clip. This is the glorious art film that is My Little Pony: Equestria Girls. Spoilers ahead....but do you really give a shit? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This episo-.....wait a minute... *ahem* This film opens up, sorry, there we go, with the newly crowned Princess Twilight Sparkle and the other fuckers arriving in the Crystal Empire to engage in an hour-and-a-half-long hallucinatory drug trip. Seems to me the audience would be better off engaging in that, but we're shit out of luck and jolly-well fucked. Anyways, while Pinkie Pie makes a Transformers reference, Twilight explains her nervousness about attending her very first princess summit. She explains that she's not exactly comfortable wearing her crown either, let-alone her lack of skill in flying. That moment when you realize the animators for the season three finale royally fucked up when they had Twilight joyously fly toward the screen at the end. Inside, Twilight meets up with Princesses Celestia, Luna, and Cadence, where they instantly tell them to fuck off and go to bed. Well, that scene was necessary. That night, Twilight expresses to Spike some worry about her ability to lead an empire as a princess, as well as trying to sleep with her wingboners shooting up all over the place. Ah, the toils of a pubescent purple ponies. After the remixed minute-and-a-half long title sequence makes me violently shit out tumors as giant saber tooth tigers rain from the sky and fall on my burning asshole which compounds my entire body into dust, only to be reformed by a deus ex machina to return to my former physical appearance except a shade darker which makes me instantly less privileged (all sex is rape, the patriarchy is oppressing me, etc., etc.), things heat up when Twilight's crown is stolen by a shady mysterious character. The gang chase this pony into another room, where the thief and the crown escape through a mirror. The others alert Celestia, who explains that the thief goes by the name "Starlight Glimmer" "Sunset Shimmer", and that she was a former student of Celestia's who went rogue. A rogue path that has evidently led her to stealing Twilight's crown. I'd like to know how Sunset Shimmer knew Twilight was a princess now. In the next scene, Princess Luna tells us that the mirror/gateway to another world opens once every thirty moons. But Twilight just became a princess very recently. There must be some long-ass turnaround times for a princesses first summit, since I'm unfamiliar with royal tradition, but as it stands this seems rather contrived to me. Perhaps we'll see explanation later, but I'm not holding my asshole closed. The princesses explain that Twilight must go into this otherworldly realm to retrieve that crown, or else the Elephants of Harmony here are powerless, and Equestria loses one of its biggest lines of defense against Cobra. The other five express the desire to join her, but Celestia tells them to fuck themselves with dry, rusty spoons. Spike, however, is immune to rusty spoons, and follows her in. On the other side, they find Spike is a dog and Twilight now has boobs...... .......oh, and hands....and has become some strange creature called a "human".....but more importantly, boobs. I know it's a kids film, but I think in any realistic setting a talking female horse would be much more concerned with these milky tumors hanging off her chest. AAAAAAAAAAAAND SOO THE SHITSTORM BEGINS! WE'RE IN THIS WORLD NOW, FOLKS. ALL ABOARD FOR THE FANSERVICE TRAIN! So...yeah, we're in the "human" world now. Where everyone's hair is multicolored and jiggles like jello, and everyone's skin color makes them look like they just transferred schools from Jupiter. We go through the couple-of-minute long shtick that you'd expect where Twilight has to learn how to act like a human, which is very run-of-the-mill for the most part, but what sells it is Spike's reactions to her. As Twilight's doing the whole overboard "WHAT? OMG! WTF?!", Spike just sighs and in a really dry voice says "We really need to find you a mirror." Makes things relatively enjoyable. Enjoy-ability in an Equestria Girls film. Shocking. So the two of them venture into the "castle", also known as Canterlot High School, in search of intel. However, the bell rings, and as you might expect, the halls instantly flood with crowds of other people aimlessly bustling around. Twilight manages to escape, but bumps into Blandy McBlandbrad himself: Flash Sentry! What transpires after that tidbit of nothing is a musical number that's about as forgettable as you might imagine. "A Strange New World", I think it's called. Who cares, though. Twilight just wanders around the halls as we see some human incarnations of Equestrian characters. Cheerlie, the CMC, Vinyl Scratch, and so forth. During this, Twilight's trying to learn how to be a human by observing practices. There's even this great scene where Twilight goes into the men's bathroom and some guy comes out of the stalls and has a nervous breakdown. Huh, it seems that, so far, I'm almost enjoying this film. Odd. Anyways, after the song bores me to death, we see Sunset Shimmer interrogating this completely unfamiliar, completely forgettable, and completely useless character in the hallways who managed to pick up the crown when Sunset tossed it through the portal. I bet she doesn't even have a name. I mean, just look at this fucker: Pure crowd filler. Her personality probably doesn't even match the glorious levels of Sunset Shimmer or Flash Sentry! So, yeah, we come across Human World Fluttershy, and this is Twilight's first confrontation with Sunset Shimmer. The two of them dance around the subject of Equestria around the unsuspecting human, and Twilight's lack of fear in the face of Sunset impresses Fluttershy. What follows is a bunch of references to the first episode of the series, from Fluttershy quietly muttering her name to her being fascinated by the presence of Spike. It seems Twilight has made a friend in this brave new world. Time to milk her for as much information as possible! Through Fluttershy, Twilight learns that the crown is being kept prisoner by "Principal" Celestia. Therefore, we toddle off to meet Human World Celestia only to learn that the crown will be used as the prize in this year's Princess of the Fall Formal competition...thingy. Therefore, in order to get her crown back, she's going to have to run for Princess of the Fall Formal, against three-time winner Sunset Shimmer. This movie just writes itself I see. So she has to go see the head of the party planning committee about getting her name on the ballot. Gee, I wonder who the head of the party planning committee is? APPLEJACK! OF COURSE! Well, she shows up in this scene too, but that's irrelevant. As we grow acquainted with new familiar faces, we learn a lot more about Canterlot High and how the different "crowds" are segregated. Techies, rockers, prostitutes, they all have their own little clique in the school. Consequently, our Equestria Girls aren't exactly "friends" in this world. In fact, the other five all hate each other. Gee, I wonder if getting everyone together is going to be a plot device? I wonder if she'll teach them that friendship is magic? It's anyone's guess. Meanwhile, Sunset Shimmer shows up with....aw, god, Snips & Snails are in this film too....complaining about Pinkie Pie's decorations and Applejack's cider. In this, she learns that Twilight Sparkle is running against her and proceeds to threaten her in a really dramatic hallway. Although, she doesn't really "threaten" Twilight, just sort of says she'll expose her for being from another dimension, and steal Spike or something. I'm sure that'll work out real well, but I digress. Twilight takes to the glorious library to learn information about this world, where we get more gratuitous cameos. God, it's like Hell had sex with Africa. I noticed Scootaloo didn't have any lines in this scene aside from the cameo of the "Cutie Mark Crusaders Theme" from "The Show Stoppers", and since I don't think the CMC have any lines in any of the other films, does that mean Madeline Peters never recorded for the Equestria Girls films? I get too invested in shitty trivia, so fuck me. During a learning montage, we see the main characters minus Twilight in a school yearbook as freshmen, and all of them were friends back then, which further branches out the plotline of getting the girls together. Meanwhile, Snips & Snails film Twilight not knowing how to use computers, printers, and such like, possibly for a Sunset Shimmer campaign video attacking her opponent. Classic. The next day, this is proved to be true, as Rarity shoehorns her way into the story (and most marriages I presume) by throwing Twilight into a disguise. Then, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Fluttershy show up looking for Twilight, only for the four of them to get into heated arguments with each other about grudges they have. However, since Twilight's a genius, she figures out that Sunset Shimmer has in fact been meddling with their friendships via the dreaded text message and email, cancelling commitments behind one friends' back and what not. So, in light of this revelation, they all pull together to help Twilight win the crown! Except....they need one more person's approval. I mean, I don't like Rainbow Dash, but even I had convulsions when she showed up. Her first appearance is midway through the film. That made her entrance 20% cooler. Rainbow Dash says she'll help if Twilight plays a game of soccer against her. They compete, and Twilight loses, but since she proved she has guts, Dashies' in! So they meet at this world's Sugarcube Corner to organize a plan, where Twilight runs into Chad again. Egh, I have to agree; his appearances do drain a bit out of the film's likability. And yes, I'll admit, I'm an hour into the film and I relatively like it. Suck my balls. Anyways, yeah, he's terrible. Not so much that he's a bland character with no redeeming qualities, but that he's at the center of romantic relationships with... *ahem* TWO PONIES. Yeah, this prick is Sunset Shimmer's ex-boyfriend, and now he's got Twilight's heart too. RING RING. Meghan McCarthy? Have you heard of BESTIALITY?! It's seriously disturbing when you think about it. Otherwise, speaking of helping Twilight win the crown, they organize a musical number in the cafeteria called "Helping Twilight Win the Crown", with Canterlot Wondercolts gear. And that pumps the fuck out of everyone, except Sunset Shimmer, who decides to fuck up Twilight's winning streak by framing her for destroying the Fall Formal's decorations in the auditorium with the Magic of Photoshop! Vice Principal Luna falls for it, because she's a dumbass in this film for some reason, until Flash Sentry instantly comes in and proves it was a cut-and-paste job. .... Well, that scene was necessary. Especially to further along this shit. However, the event itself did slightly move the plot along. Since damage has been done to the auditorium, the Fall Formal would have to be postponed until the following night. However, the portal closes tonight. Spike urges Twilight to explain to the others what's really at stake if she doesn't get that crown, but Pinkie Pie basically blurts all of that out for her in one fell-swoop. This is why Pinkie Pie is the bae. Now, I promise you, I will never use that word again. Oddly enough, everyone's very okay with this newfound bizarre-ass information. Okay, points off for that. This scene is so unbelievably rushed that it managed to break my suspension of belief for this part of the film. So, as you might expect, the six of them decide to get the whole school to help rebuild the decorations in time for the Fall Formal to happen tonight. They do. It's done. In musical montage. And everyone comes together. Gee, didn't see that one coming. "Okay! Now who's ready to do a shit-ton of COKE?!!!" The Fall Formal's back on for this evening, and since everyone loves Twilight now, she's a shoe-in for winner. This clearly pisses off Sunset Shimmer, but fuck that, we have another grating musical montage to go through with more teen pop. That's like, two in a row. For fuck's sake this last half-hour is really rushed so far. Anyways, they all get their dresses and shit, and Flash Sentry manages to become Twilight's date for the formal. Imagine that shit. Later in the night, it's announced that Twilight has won the competition, but victory is bitter sweet when Sunset follows through with her threat to steal Spike. Normally I'd be like "fuck him", but seriously, Spike is the best thing about this film so far. Sheesh, Spike is the best thing about an MLP story? Never thought I'd see the day..... Oh, yeah, and Sunset Shimmer just lets him go, by the way. ... WELL THAT WAS NECESSARY. God, pointless scenes are really getting shoved around now. No, the real haggle of the evening is that if Twilight doesn't give Sunset Shimmer the crown, she'll destroy the portal back to Equestria with a mallet. Because the rules of this portal are just so clearly defined. And what does Twilight do? She encourages Sunset Shimmer to destroy the portal. .. . . . Okay, I think this is the moment we've all been waiting for. *ahem* FUCK YOU. FUCK THIS FUCKING PIECE OF FUCK MOVIE. YOU CUCK, MEGHAN. YOU CAN'T WRITE A MOVIE FOR SHIT. YOU ASSWIPE! YOU HAD ME! I LIKED YOUR MOVIE FOR A STRAIGHT HOUR! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING! FUCK YOUUUUUUUUuoUOU!!!!!! There, this movie sucks now. Everyone happy? In this instant alone, the movie just threw itself under a tractor. Twilight was willing to jeopardize the entire world of Equestria by fucking over its main line of defense against chaos just so that SUNSET SHIMMER in all her bitchy glory couldn't cause tension in a HIGH SCHOOL. I know Twilight isn't familiar with this world, but that is absolute POOR judgement on her part. BUT WAIT, it gets WORSE. See, instead of destroying the portal, Sunset Shimmer attacks Twilight for the crown, which results in a nice game of toss-the-crown between all the characters. However, when it finally gets to Sunset, the crown turns her and Snips & Snails into demon spawns which take over the whole school with mind control. God, it's like Hell had a three-way with Africa and North Korea. What? It's not gay if it's a three-way. Ah, right, because THIS was explained earlier, except for the fact that it WASN'T. BUT WAIT! IT GETS EVEN FUCKING WORSE. Sunset's big fucking plan is to TAKE OVER EQUESTRIA with an army of DROOLING MINDLESS HUMAN TEENAGERS. ............................................ WHAT?! At WHAT POINT did Sunset Shimmer REMOTELY think that would work. MINDLESS TEENAGERS don't stand a FUCKING CHANCE against a demigod alicorn PRINCESS who can send ANYONE SHE WANTS to the FUCKING MOON. .... BUT WAIT! IT GETS EVEN FUCKING WORSE. Because WHAT does Twilight and company do to STOP Sunset Shimmer? THEY TRANSFORM INTO THESE PONY HYBRID CREATURES AND BECOME THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY THEMSELVES. ............................................ WHAT?! If the ELEMENTS OF HARMONY don't need PHYSICAL AMULETS to trigger their power, then WHAT THE FUCK IS THE LOGIC OF THE TELEVISION SERIES?! Why are there even physical versions IN PLACE? Why did Discord need to STEAL THEM in "The Return of Harmony" if all the girls had to do was "BELIEVE IN THE MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP" to activate them? In this one instance, the WHOLE FUCKING SERIES earns itself a nice big PLOTHOLE in the MAIN FUCKING NARRATIVE, all because MEGHAN FUCKING MCCARTHY couldn't think of a decent DEUS EX MACHINA to pull out of her ass. *sigh* All of this happens within five minutes, without exaggeration............................BUT IT GETS EVEN MOTHERFUCKING WORSE Because guess what?! Sunset Shimmer "didn't know there was another way", which makes her character even DUMBER than I THOUGHT. She cries, apologizes, and Twilight makes her learn about friendship in the human world, and boom, she's redeemed. This happens in 90 seconds in-and-of itself, too. Never in my life have I seen a seemingly good movie throw itself completely down the drain in just six and a half minutes. As you might imagine, everyone celebrates, and Twilight comes back to Equestria "successful". Too bad the movie doesn't come back to Equestria "successful". I have six types of cancer thanks to this film. Too bad I shit out my tumors at the beginning. And so concludes the glorious My Little Pony: Equestria Girls. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This film is a steaming pile of dogshit. Now, let's break this down, because this is a bit bigger than any 'ol episode. I liked the first hour of this film. There was heart in it. The writing wasn't the most awe-inspiring but at least this felt like the show. The comedy from both Spike and Pinkie Pie made me chuckle and smile. Twilight's plight was engaging enough for me not to be bored. Sure, Flash Sentry was a fumble in the dealing of the cards, but at least he wasn't too prominent in the first hour. I also had questions about certain plot-points that I withdrew from criticizing too much because I figured it would be explained later. Like how Sunset Shimmer knew about Twilight becoming a princess and possessing the crown, or why Sunset needed it in the first place. What use was it to her? What backstory did this character have to send her on this path? These questions, I held on to and almost completely forgot through that hour because the film was entertaining and enjoyable enough for me to wait until later for answers. There were great cameos and fun tidbits of interaction among the main characters to draw my attention. I could even tolerate a lot of the shit songs in the film. The final half hour? RAPED this film ROYALLY. The pacing was absolutely horrid in that final act. There were too many plotlines that they were dragging out for so long that they couldn't resolve them all conclusively in 30 minutes. There was no falling action in this movie. It was exposition, rising action, rising action, rising action, climax, resolution. There were several pointless scenes that I pointed out that they could've cut to give the film more time if they were on a 90 minute constraint. But THEN those FUCKING FINAL TEN MINUTES. Twilight choosing to endanger Equestria for the sake of high school spirit? Pissed me off. Crown making powerful demons of people? Pissed me off. Sunset Shimmer's terrible plan that involved using teenagers to take over Equestria? Pissed me off. The Elements of Harmony being activated by NOTHING? Royally pissed me off. Sunset Shimmer's instant redemption? Threw me over the cliff. But the fact that NONE of my questions from the beginning were REMOTELY addressed? ALL OF THAT RUINED THE WHOLE FUCKING FILM. All-in-all, My Little Pony: Equestria Girls is god awful. You might find yourself liking it at first, but prepare for instant disappointment and an immediate spiral into Shitsville U.S.A. I will AT THE VERY LEAST give this movie a 2/10. Why even that? Because at least that first hour kept me in good spirits, and at least Spike was put to good use in this film. Otherwise, everything else is a waste of goddamn time. Fuck this movie. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What a great way to start the new year, isn't it? Well, don't you get your tits in a twist just yet, my friends. There's still a whole other season of the TV Show that has been unscathed by my prickly prickiness. My reviews of the fourth season are fast-approaching, and we'll see if it was any improvement over the terrible third season and especially this god awful film. I'll see you next Friday, when we begin the season four reviews of... My Little Pony..... Friendship....... is................ a terrible idea to make into a film franchise. Seriously, fuck this movie. I never knew how much I would hate this boiling pot of octopus urine.

I concur with the whole "PC culture" around here. A few times on this forum board have I been slapped on the wrist by staff for simply being sarcastic. Even once when I typed out a lengthy, time-consuming debate in the Debate Pit, my post was taken down because I made two or three sarcastic jabs and said "fuck" more than once. The OP even refused to read my post even though I was responding to his request for me to refute all of his arguments. Why? Because I wasn't "nice" enough for him. I barely bother with the forum board anymore because of this. I instead recluse to the blogs, and write out my completely anti-PC, anti-SJW comedy reviews of the series. Fuck feelings. People need to get the fuck over their egos and learn to survive in the world.

Apparently not.

YES! FINALLY, after two long years of this shit, I finally get to review....... A BEATLES ALBUM! Ladies and Gentleman, please roll up for the Magical Mystery Tour! Now, I must say, Magical Mystery Tour is one of the Beatles' best albums, even if it was originally not part of their official discography. But since the US already compiled the 1967 singles with the original British Magical Mystery Tour EP, it was more convenient to make this album part of the Beatles legacy. And boy is it worth it. With great songs like "The Fool on the Hill", "I Am the Walrus", and "Strawberry Fields Forever", this album is enough to make you cum more buckets than a brony on 4chan. ... Wait, what's that? I'm reviewing "Magical Mystery Cure"? .... Are you sure I can't just review Magical Mystery Tour. I'll get less shit from audiences for it. ... Please stop shoving your pitchfork up my ass. ... Thanks, Satan. You're a star. ... *sigh* ... *lays behind desk for cover* ... *ahem* ... Welcome one and all to the season three wrap-up of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic! Here we are, folks. The final episode of season three. It's been a long time, but now I'm coming back home. I feel as though you ought to know that this episode is relatively controversial. Not only did people flip their shit over mere previews of this episode, but people are still very adamant that this is the worst thing in the history of anything ever. Well, as we watch this episode, we'll see if I agree with you fuckers at all. So, without further ado, let me take you down, 'cause I'm rolling up for the "Magical Mystery Cure". Spoilers ahead. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So this episode opens up with a Beauty and the Beast-like musical number called "Morning in Ponyville Shimmers", about what a certainly fine day it is. Personally, I think South Park did a better job, but that's a given in almost any comparison between My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and South Park. However, it seems her shimmer is about to come to a sunset (somebody fucking kill me) as it appears that Rarity has Rainbow Dash's cutie mark. After the title sequence gives me testicles the size of my kidneys, we see that it's not just Rarity, but all of her friends that have swapped cutie marks. Cleverly, the writers made it so that everyone received a talent that we as the audience know they'd suck at. Rarity is given Dash's weather job, Dash is given Fluttershy's animal caretaking talent, Fluttershy is given Pinkie Pie's party planning talent, Pinkie Pie is given Applejack's apple orchard duties, and Applejack is given Rarity's eye for fashion, and the cycle continues on. This is explained through Musical Number #2: "What My Cutie Mark is Telling Me" Coincidentally, everyone's bodies were sliced clean in half, too. They've mere minutes to live. It's at this point that you might expect me to throw a hissy fit about there being a musical number every other half a microsecond. Well, I'm not, and there are two reasons for this. One, I don't think any of these songs are interrupting the pace of the episode too drastically. Now, that's not say they aren't fucking the pace....they are, but it's not on the level of "Crusaders of the Lost Mark", and we'll see why once the episode is through. The second reason is that, unlike "Crusaders of the Lost Mark", I don't mind the songs either. They're not shitty compositions nor lyrically incompetent so far. I also won't complain about the cutie mark swaps either. I have no problems about the conventions of a cutie mark being altered, and the reason why they're not any good at their "new" cutie marks is that their personalities are clashing with the mark they believe they've had all their lives now. Moving swiftly forward, Twilight realizes that she's caused all of this by reading aloud a mysterious unfinished spell sent to her by Celestia. You know what would've saved this? Don't read shit out loud, you dumbass purple bitch. Twilight descends into a minute long ballad about how she's fucked up...and the pacing problems are really starting to show now. I digress, however, because once she's done singing the ballad of John and Yoko, she realizes what she needs to do. Since their "true selves" have been altered (some wonky wording on Twilight's part given what we've been shown), she realizes that she can show them what they mean to each other. In other words, get one friend to help another and realize that they're true talent is the job they're helping their friend with. It looks like all they needed was love, as yet another musical montage shows Twilight getting everyone back on track. Fluttershy helps Rainbow Dash, who helps Rarity, who helps Applejack, who helps Pinkie Pie, who helps the townsfolk, who helps Satan, who helps Hasbro. Also, Rainbow Dash is about to be cooked alive. This finale just received major points. Once everyone receives Help!, Twilight's friends return to their former glory as far as their cutie marks are concerned. I kinda glazed over the "True Friend" musical number, but rest assured it's rather lengthy and probably the best paced of all the musical numbers. Catchy tunes man, I can't seem to get them out of my head. So once Twilight's achieved maximum fuckability levels, she realizes how to complete the mysterious unfinished spell. Something about friendship, of course. It's at this point when the elements of harmony zap Twilight into ash (you think I'm joking?) and as a result of this murder, Twilight wakes up in Celestia's heaven...place. She explains that she's "proven she's ready", at least ready for the very thing Luna was worried about in "The Crystal Empire", indicating the princesses have been keeping tabs on her journeys from day one. It's here when Celestia sings a ballad about how Twilight's grown, and that she's proud of Twilight, as a variety of images from the past 65 episodes dance around her like a million eyes. We'll talk about this specific event later, but the big thing is, because Twilight's learned so much about friendship, and she's proven herself more than capable time and time again, it's time for Twilight Sparkle to be upgraded to Princess status. ..............Well dayum, nigguh. O_O So...the first three seasons were building up to this? ... Huh. ...I...like it.... ...as.....a-as Twilight is returned to the physical realm, Celestia explains that since she's come to Ponyville, she's displayed all the qualities of a Princess. Perhaps part of the reason Celestia took Twilight under her wing in the first place was for her to join the ranks of Princesses in Equestria. You know, for the Beast Hunters-esque corporate mandate that this whole Alicorn Twilight thing is, this whole concept was written really fucking well. It's like this was the ultimate goal all along. Twilight displays slight hesitation and worry, but eventually gains confidence in the fact that she's ready for all of this, and we dissolve to the coronation, where all the traditional festivities take place. Twilight walks down the aisle at 10 to 6, the Hendersons dance and sing as Mr. Kite flies through the ring, crowds hoard the castle in groups the size of Rishikesh, and of course Twilight speaks to her new subjects. It's here that she thanks her friends for showing her the way of friendship or whatever and of course thanks the many people in the crowd for their acceptance. "And I promise you! The first order of business when I'm in office is to build that damn wall!" In the end, we hear Sgt. Pepper's Reprise before Twilight flies into the camera claiming that everything will be "just fine!" So concludes "Magical Mystery Cure". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *prepares shield and iron armor* ... *ahem* This is a good finale. *is pelted with tomatoes* Throw all the tomatoes you want, I don't give a shit. This is still a good finale. It's not perfect, but it's far from being the POS fuck-up disaster opus everyone makes it out to be. First of all, yes, the pacing of this episode isn't great. I would've preferred vastly if this was a two-parter instead of a single episode. Outside of that, however, this isn't much to hate here. I've already explained how the whole cutie mark swapping plotline does make sense in theory (though it's not explained that well in the episode, I'll admit), and I've already accounted for the musical numbers. That said, just take a look at all the genius on the other side of the moon. Celestia's ballad about how she's watched Twilight from the very start, seeing her grow and change into what she is now, and being proud of her, is a perfect demonstration of the achievement Twilight had just accomplished over the course of the series. Twilight coming into her own as a princess, as a result of everything that came before it, seemed very natural, even if this wasn't the outcome any of us could've predicted. Especially given that "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" was meant to be a rehash of this, it's clear to see which plotline had the better resolution. This one. Right here. Twilight didn't reach a milestone in terms of her character per-say, but the fact that her previous growth resulted in this is enough to make us as viewers proud of Twilight. And I think that's the whole point of this finale in a nutshell. It has wonky pacing and doesn't explain its plotlines too well, even though they make sense, but goddammit, by the end of this episode, I felt overwhelming joy for Twilight. Overwhelming joy, despite knowing the outcome of the episode. Therefore, I think "Magical Mystery Cure" deserves an 8/10. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, it's that time of year again, isn't it? I've finished reviewing season three, which means I get to do a final assessment of all 13 episodes. Here goes everything!: 01. The Crystal Empire (Part 1) 8/10 02. The Crystal Empire (Part 2) 2/10 03. Too Many Pinkie Pies 9/10 04. One Bad Apple 7/10 05. Magic Duel 9/10 06. Sleepless in Ponyville 10/10 07. Wonderbolts Academy 7/10 08. Apple Family Reunion 4/10 09. Spike at Your Service 2/10 10. Keep Calm and Flutter On 8/10 11. Just for Sidekicks 7/10 12. Game Ponies Play 5/10 13. Magical Mystery Tour 8/10 Therefore, my overall rating for season three of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is: 6.6/10 Best episode: "Sleepless in Ponyville" Worst episode: "Spike at Your Service" Holy shit, did this season suck ass. Well, that might be an over-exaggeration, but bear in mind that a passing grade for most anything for me is a 7/10, so a 6.6/10 is technically a failure. And it's clear to see by this season's output. Look up at that episode list. Look how red it is. Four shitty episodes in a thirteen episode season, and three more that were sub-par enough to just barely pass. Over half of season three is below average. Were there any episodes that blew me away? "Sleepless in Ponyville". That's it. One fucking episode in the whole season. Granted "Too Many Pinkie Pies" and "Magic Duel" were close contenders, but they both had some minute issues that prevented them from reaching their full glory. All that's left is the other side of the pond. "Spike at Your Service" is a terrible fucking episode with bullshit everywhere. "The Crystal Empire (Part 2)" practically ruined the entire premiere. "Apple Family Reunion" is contorted mess. "Games Ponies Play" is a waste of time. The only thing season three has taught me is that I think a re-evaluation of season five is in order. If you don't know, I hated the fifth season, but it's been long enough where I have to think back and remember, was it really as bad as this? I guess we'll have to find out after the fourth season. Overall, season three wasn't really that great, and was an early sign of the way things were going to go for subsequent releases of the show. Especially coming after the glorious second season, this was a complete letdown. At least the finale was almost worth it. Almost. With that said, I'm done with reviews for this year. I'll be taking the next three weeks off to masturbate, and when we come back, we can finally review season four of My Little Po- . . ...................... FUCK SHIT COCK SON OF A BITCH ASSWIPING PRICK-SHREDDER.... FUUUCKING....EQUESTRIA GIRRRRRLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSZSZSZSZSZ fml

It's the holidays, and you know what that means! ......D....Depression? ....Actually, come to think of it, that makes perfect sense. Anyways, Welcome one and all to the season three wrap-up of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic! Here we are, folks. The penultimate episode. Next week is the last episode of season three, and will be my last review of the year before taking my holiday. Therefore, you'll get three weeks of rest before having to put up with my shit again, 'cause I'll return to review season four on January 6th, 2017. But enough technicalities. We have an episode to review. Without further ado, put your hands together for "Games Ponies Play". Spoilers ahead! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So this episode opens up from one of the scenes in the previous episode, "Just for Sidekicks", after Twilight leaves Spike with all of the animals. And.....yeah, I can definitely see it, this episode probably should've aired first. Also, the audio on the episode seems to be really fucked up on Netflix. If you have the time, go and listen, all of their voices sound like they're coming through a Leslie speaker. Ignoring all that shit, the prologue involves them discussing the Equestria Games arriving in the Crystal Empire, and Rainbow Dash having PTSD about Cloudsdale missing the Equestria Games when she was a kid. Nice little gag. After the title sequence marinates my liver in urine, we see the mane six practicing their welcoming cheer before finally arriving at the Meth Kingdom. Applejack's going Heisenberg on our ass in this episode for sure. When they arrive, they discover that the Crystal Ponies have been sprucing the place up in order to hide the drugs from prepare for the Equestria Games inspector or something. Yeah, I've already forgotten what's going on, but it's not my fault. I've been too distracted by the shitty audio. It's at this point in the episode when they start playing that little gag from the prologue...seriously. As in, they make Rainbow Dash obsessive over getting the Equestria Games to the Crystal Empire. Ehhh, I'm not sure about this. On one hand, someone might conclude that this is realistic for Rainbow Dash, which I agree with, but on the other hand one might argue that the two are too loosely tied together to be a focal point of the episode...which I also agree with. We'll see where it goes, at least. Right now, it's time for the mane six to reunite with Princess Cadence. "What, there's no doomsday threats against the world going on during your visit with me? How fucking generous." However, right on schedule, shit starts going south when Cadence needs a traditional Crystal Empire headdress, but her hair stylist caught AIDS or something. Thankfully, Rarity steps up to the plate with her herpes and what not, although problem still arises when the inspector, Mrs. Harshwinny, is arriving earlier than scheduled. It's here when the other plotline of the episode is revealed; Twilight tries to remain calm and handle things in a responsible manner. Wow, how fucking exhilarating. Twilight being in charge? Someone, give the writer of this episode a medal for most ingenious idea of all time. So she decides that the five of them should go to the train station and greet Mrs. Harshwinny herself. They're supposed to be looking for a flower-print luggage....which I think is the worst way to identify someone ever. How many flower-print luggage do you think could possibly exist? What are the odds that you spot the wrong person with a flower-print luggage and give them all the attention and glory that was supposed to be given to the real agent, which has to stay and the train station getting themselves fucked over. ....... Oh, DON'T TELL ME THAT'S THE PLOT DEVICE OF THIS EPISO- FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK FUCK. I mean, this isn't "Simple Ways" level of tired plot device, but I can see this getting really old really fast. What's that? We're only 7 minutes into the episode? Oh you, son of a bitch. Well, time to suffer from suicide-inducing boredom. So let's see, instead of taking the real inspector on the journey of their lives, they took some green-haired hick that's probably from Appleloosa instead, the first stop being the ever-glorious Eiffel Tower of the Crystal Empire, where they perform their cringe-inducing cheer for the overexcited country folk. They then take her on a tour of the castle, which is led by Pinkie Pie as Twilight breaks off to see what's taking Cadence so long. We then discover that Cadence's mane looks like a prickly bush of frozen hell (thanks, Rarity), and that she needs more time, so Pinkie Pie stalls with mundane facts about rooms she's never been in before. It's revealed to us that this hick pony seems to have some kind of claustrophobia. Which, if is the case, then why the fuck was she on a train? The other ponies mistake this as her getting bored, which is not the case. It's the audience that's bored right now. Quick, Pinkie Pie, save us! ....It's no use! This episode is so mundane it's making PINKIE PIE dull! Meanwhile, Twilight goes to visit her brother, Shining Armor, who's training the athletes for the games I assume. She opens up to him about all the crap that's going on, but also reveals to herself that she's not worried.Before we can get much more attention to this, the faux inspector makes her way to the track where she over-excitedly runs around outside because claustrophobia. Then she gets her head stuck in vase, so Rainbow Dash has to chase her to pull it off and stuff...............you know, this episode is just a series of events happening. Like, there's nothing to invest in and nothing to care about, just stuff happens. That is, until the plot unfolds when the hick explains to Shining Armor that she's just a country pony here for vacation. That's when Twilight and Rainbow Dash flip, and the five of them run around looking for the real inspector. They find that she's in the same spa as Cadence, and when the two meet, it's up to Rainbow Dash to explain everything.......apparently. There we go. Now Pinkie Pie's back to being godly again. Rainbow Dash explains the plight of missing the Equestria Games in Cloudsdale, and that she wanted to make up for that disappointment by having the Crystal Empire host the games. She takes quite the bit of responsibility for all of this...even though she barely did jack shit throughout the episode. However, just before we can mop our "tears", Mrs. Harshwinny explains that Green-Haired Hick told her all about the welcome she had received in her place, which.......means she accepts the Crystal Empire as the host of the Equestria Games? I......I don't follow her logic. You just had the worst reception of your entire life, but because they'd given such a warm welcome to someone else, you figured that it was all fucking worth it? I know Equestria is a unrealistically generous world, but this is just fuel to the fire. It's so hastily rushed together in a matter of 75 seconds, too, which would practically blow this episode down the tubes in any other story. In the end, the Crystal Empire does get to host the Equestria Games as previously mentioned and we get to see the callback cliffhanger of the previous episode. Hey guys, look! A good episode is hiding under the seats! Grab it! And so concludes "Games Ponies Play". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So, as I said in the previous paragraph, the incredibly unrealistic and rushed ending would've blown any other episode completely out of the water, making it a nice and shitty experience for me. However, this episode is so mundane and inconsequential that it just further proves this episode amounts to nothing. I know this is part of the set-up of the Equestria Games arc that leads all the way into season four, but let's remind ourselves that the entire arc was essentially bullshit and amounted to nothing in the end. So what's this episode worth? Nothing. It's not a horrible episode, but you're better off not really watching it for anything other reason than its "impact" on continuity in future episodes. Twilight's development is weak, Rainbow Dash's plight comes out of left field, and as evidenced by the scatterplot telling of events in this review, the whole episode is little more than things happening. So, no, I didn't think this episode was anything special. The harshest criticism I can give it is that I regret wasting my time on it. Otherwise, "Games Ponies Play" deserves a 5/10 for just being a mediocre lump of 22 minutes. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, this is it folks. Next Friday, we review the infamous "Magical Mystery Cure". So many questions will be answered. What will season three amount to? Is "Magical Mystery Cure" as bad as its reputation holds? Who is Eric Cartman's father? And which of these six main cast members of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic will be killed off? Find out next time on... ... Yu-Gi-Oh GX!

Insert obligatory suicide joke here. Okay, so...hello everyone. You're probably wondering why I of all people would be writing some melodramatic entry regarding depression. Because, essentially, I've exampled that my philosophy regarding "cyberbullying" or whatever is to have fun with it. When someone tells me "kill urself faggut", my go-to response (conceived by my current bandmate many eons ago) is "one would desperately want to kill themselves after one glance at you." I try not to take any of that crap seriously, because its boring and self-destructive. You get yourself all wound up over nothing, when there's so much more you could be wasting your energy on. Insert self-pleasuring joke here. Once upon a time, maybe three years ago, I was a special little snowflake that used to take all criticisms and personal insults to heart. And I used to attempt some pretty brash things in the past. But don't worry, I had an existential crisis last month and now I fear death hysterically and want to avoid it like the plague. Much better. Although, when I did take "bullying" seriously, back when I was a bitch, it didn't really have to do much with social media. Upon taking a Social Media course in high school, I actually kind of became a little interested in its linked effects. So, in summation, no, this entry isn't some confessional sob story about how social media made me a depressed emo wrist-slitter. It didn't. What I want to discuss is facts about depression, facts about social media, and hypotheticals regarding the two. Then, I'll let you all decide what you do with that information. Will you take it to heart, or forget about it in 10 minutes? My money's on the latter, but if I lose the bet, I'm not paying anybody jack. Now, depression is much more than crying about a breakup or someone calling you fat....assuming you are fat or even got laid to begin with. Depression is an illness that creates cognitive dysfunctions that lead to physical problems. The most direct of these include self-harming, fatigue, a lack of concentration, or sleep deprivation, and the obvious suicide. Now, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States behind nine other things I can't bother looking up, so people "killing themselves faggut" is a pretty big deal around these parts. With this information in mind, it's to be made absolutely clear that depression isn't something you can sleep off or even technically talk out with someone. Depression is an ongoing state of being, and it can screw you up in a lot of different ways. There's a couple of stories like this one, from people who actually went through it and are probably still struggling with it, that perfectly explain the seriousness of the illness. Personally, it's reading those stories that not only give me a better understanding of the disease, but also make me realize I didn't know jack shit about depression at 14 years old. Given all of that, we get into the real point of this editorial: social media's effect on depression, and vice-versa. It's no secret that depression can be fueled on social media. I see a lot of posts here about depression confessions and whatnot, just on these forums alone. Imagine the whole wide world of people on Twitter, YouTube, MySpace, and AOL that are putting their stories out there. Imagine the amount of backlash they might get considering sites like YouTube and Twitter aren't heavily policing "mean comments". Now I'll just say right now that I have my own skepticism about how many of depression confessional videos on YouTube are just the whiny teenage moodiness I went through, but it's hard to really sort that out. Before you know it, someone you thought was bullshitting just blew their brains out. And it appears social studies correlate with this. In this article, it basically explained that social media use feeds depression as much as it takes away. Social media is used as an outlet by so many people for a variety of reasons. Therefore, as an example, someone who's clinically depressed might be using social media to fill a void. They might go on to Twitter with a cry for help, such as updating their status with "life is a fishbowl" or "teardrops are saltier than SJWs on Donald Trump." In this example case, say some asshat came along and said "why don't you shove that fishbowl up your ass" or "I'll mix those teardrops with my spit at your funeral." That not only fuels the depression on this person, but also entices that person to continue using social media in a self-destructive way. Say they don't or can't follow my advice and take the piss out of such attacks, and they try to defend themselves, only to be singed again and again. They get themselves trapped in this vicious cycle and that makes matters worse for them. If they don't reach out again because of this, they have no crutch, and no one comes to their aid, odds are you end up with a fresh suicide on your hands. This is all hypothetical, but it's not hard to believe something like this would, can, or has happened in the past. We have our fingers on the pulse of this new thing called the internet, and we're all using it in different ways. I use it to write cynical reviews of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic packed with the crude humor and sarcasm me and my friends love to indulge in. I get one together as annually as one's uploaded, and we take turns reading my paragraphs and laughing our asses off. Each time I write an entry for PrymeStriker's Episode Reviews, I hope someone out there finds joy in my offbeat humor, and that I can make someone smile as a result. I also use it to share my music and express myself artistically, hoping that I can get someones attention and take them away from cold harsh reality for just a minute or two. As much as we give to social media for ourselves, we inadvertedly do so much or at least try to do so much for others in the process. I mostly wrote this entry out of obligation, but in the process of creating it, I think I might've come to a rather powerful conclusion through all this. If you could save someone's life through a great joke...........a great song..........a great story, would you? How will you use social media? ....if someone types "PornHub" in the comments section...I swear....I'll high-five you like there's no tomorrow. Sources Worth Reading: http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/depression/social-media-and-depression https://themighty.com/2016/05/what-i-wish-people-knew-about-depression/ https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/

Welcome, one and all, to the season three wrap-up of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic! I know what some of you are thinking. Didn't you just write a review like 9 and a half minutes ago? Yes, and I'm glad you're able to count. Anyways, I figured, since "Keep Calm and Flutter On" was supposed to be uploaded last Friday but was cut short by my modem committing suicide, that this entry should at least be uploaded as scheduled. So here we are, and there you are, and we are all together. So we're dealing with the last three episodes of the third season. Let us see what the epic conclusion holds in store. This, is "Just for Sidekicks". Spoilers ahead! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So this episode opens up with a panning shot of several pictures indicating that Spike had let Peewee free. I know that sounds like a dick joke....and that's because it is. However, it was that phoenix Spike caught in "Dragon Quest" that I complained was useless. Nice to see the other writers telling Merriwether to fuck herself. Anyways, Spike is baking a jewel cake, but he can't control himself so he eats all the gems before he can bake them. Oh gee, now Spike's able to bake? Wouldn't that've been useful in "Spike at Your Service", when he was magically bad at baking for a day? After the title sequence gives me very little reasons to live, Fluttershy shows up offering gems in return for watching over Angel while she and the other five crack-addicts venture off to the welcoming of the head of the Equestria Games in the Crystal Empire. Ohhh yeah, this is the beginning of that arc. I'd be careful around Spike if I were him. We all know what happened to the last guy. It's at this point that Spike gets greedy and starts thinking that if he can babysit the other five coke-snorters' pets, he'll receive even more gems in return. It's also at this point that bigoted fans criticize the writing of this episode because Spike is being greedy again.......even though it's an established part of his character. Oh well, can't please everyone so you've gotta jerk yourself off instead. So he goes around Ponyville collecting all the pets of the mane six so he can receive his gem payments. However, things get a little wild because Spike doesn't know how to take care of pets. To top things off, Angel has escaped Spike's grasp! He dun goofed, and because I've backtraced it, we'll have to report this to the cyberpolice. Not to worry, though, since he made his way to the CMC's treehouse. When Spike gets his hands on Angel, consequences will never be the same!! Spike sees opportunity when the CMC baby Angel like a little bitch, so he manipulates them into taking care of the pets by saying they might get a pet-sitting cutie mark. However, the CMC one-up him by asking for a jewel in return to buy beds, food, and toys for the pets. Uh................what? Jewels...aren't currency. They're easily found mere inches in the ground, and they're considered food by many species. It's like trying to buy a car with a tomato. Alas, Spike gives them the smallest of his six jewels. However, the CMC fuck up hard and he's forced to take back the pets at the cost of that jewel. And this is only the tip of the iceberg, as Zecora relieves him of one to teach him not to be greedy/prevent another "Secret of My Excess". Shortly thereafter, Granny Smith takes one for...some reason, but shit heats up when Angel hops on the next train to the Crystal Empire. Spike chases after him, but the conductor says he needs chaperones and incentive. Respectfully, the CMC and another jewel. Seriously?! Even the train conductor accepts gems?! I'm fucking done. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if the CMC themselves were acceptable currency in Ponyville. Spike hops on in hopes to snag Angel and jump off before the train leaves, but this isn't the case. Instead, the CMC, Spike, and all six pets get caught in the chugger to the drug-lord's paradise. Maybe the CMC can get their cutie marks in cooking crystal meth. After the pets fuck up a donut cart, Spike is forced to fork over one more gem, leaving him with the single jewel Fluttershy gave him. Soon after, they arrive at the Crystal Empire (which is farther away than Canterlot and didn't take more than a day to travel to...."MMMystery on the Friendship Express"...), and the CMC are antsy to get out and look around. Spike does his best to keep the wild children, the rabbit with separation anxiety, and the rest of the roudy animals under control and not let loose out in the Crystal Empire, but to no avail. Angel's on his way to fuck Fluttershy in the ass with his monstrous dick, which is made easy by the mane six getting ready to board the same train back to Ponyville. Unfortunately, Spike uses his last jewel to throw at a buckle, which unbuckles a tower of luggage in a cart, blocking Angel's path to Fluttershy. Gotta catch 'em all. The gang briskly rush back to the train, but are met with more panic when the mane six join them in the same car, forcing all ten of them to hide under the seats. When Angel threatens to kick Applejack's seat and blow their cover, Spike cracks and says he deserves it for neglecting the pets and only caring about his own selfish desires. He displays regret for not being a good enough leader for the pets, and expresses intriguing remorse for his greed. It's welcoming to see Spike learn his own lesson rather than it being taught to him a la "Spike at Your Service". In return, Angel retrieves the gem that Spike through at the luggage for him to eat, making amends with his enemy for the episode. When the train finally reaches Ponyville, the CMC, Spike, and pets jump out the caboose with slick stealth and pretend to have met them at the station. And as they say....owls well that ends well. Shipping #6,850 confirmed. And so concludes "Just for Sidekicks". --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My memory might be a bit faulty considering I don't have a list of all the Spike episodes.....but... Is this the first good Spike episode? I mean, I know it's popular to hate this episode as much as the others, but the only real flaw in this one is the fact that jewels are treated as a currency. Granted, I do think that's a big enough flaw to deduct major points considering even Twilight claimed at the end to want to eat a jewel cake, but everything else about the episode seemed fine. Spike has a greedy side, and there's no getting around it. However, it seems that with this episode, they brought that character trait full circle by actually having him learn from it rather than to "outgrow" it or whatever. One complaint for this episode I know is "SpikeAbuse", which is a cop-out complaint I fucking hate in general. Characters need to overcome hardships in order to be interesting, and this is one of those cases. If you want everything to go easy for Spike, you're gonna have an even shittier episode than you started out with because it would be boring as fuck. Here, he does overcome his hardships and learns a really well-deserved lesson from it, resulting in grade A development for Spike. All that said, I'm going to give this episode a 7/10 out of fairness since one of the major plot threads really didn't make sense, but I still relatively enjoyed this episode in the end. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hmmm, the quality of episodes do seem to be improving since "Keep Calm and Flutter On". However, there's only two more episodes, so we'll just have to see how well these final pieces fit into the puzzle. Join me next Friday when we continue the season three crap-up! .... Dammit, these outros need more crude jokes. Quickly, find the most vile, disgusting, and vomit-inducing thing in all the world! THERE we go. Now that I've given you all nightmares, have a happy Black Friday.

So my internet decided to shut off last week when I was in the middle of writing this. Luckily I saved what I'd written so far, but still, what I thought would be a temporary weekend problem ended up stretching out over the course of an entire week for a variety of fucked up reasons. No internet for a week was a lot like living in Hell. It's boring, shit never gets done, and the only passtime is masturbating your siblings. Anyways, time to act like the next few paragraphs were written at the same time as this intro. Let's see if this episode's as shitty as the three that came before it. This is "Keep Calm and Flutter On". Spoilers ahead! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So this episode opens up with the main characters lounging around waiting for Princess Celestia to arrive. Why? Because she's bringing along someone very important. They spend an unbelievably useless amount of time focusing on mundane shit as they await their princess to join them in the blood orgy. However, their initial excitement and my disdain is quickly replaced with their newfound disdain and my excitement when we learn just who Celestia brought along to the party. .... ... *ahem* YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS Three episodes of absolute bullshit were totally fucking worth it! DISCORD IS BACK! Pop out the LSD, this is gonna be one hell of a TRIP. ... *cough* ... After the title sequence makes me shit rainbows, Celestia explains that she believes that Discord's power can be reformed for good instead of evil. Aw, come on, evil is so much fun though. You don't have to give a shit about anyone's feelings, you get to break the rules, and we have cookies. Alas, Celestia believes that Fluttershy would be best for straightening Discord out. Euphemism? Probably, but the fanfics have already been written. So Celestia leaves as usual as the jizzfest begins; it's time to release the kraken. Discord is released and his first order business is playing golf with his eyeballs. Why is Discord not a main character yet? I just realized how much I hate the main characters when Discord's around. It's like, the mane six are good characters, but Discord makes them all look like pussy-licking SJW trigglypuffs....except for Pinkie Pie of course. Fluttershy threatens Discord with that stupid "stare", in which he sarcastically replies "anything but your disapproving eyeballs". Discord is my spirit animal. In compliance with the whole reforming shit, he crashes with Fluttershy and starts making havoc of her home while eating the pages of a book where a reforming spell is located. I want Discord: The Animated Series to be a thing. Discord doesn't give two fucks and a shit and I love him for it. If it were me, not only would the room be spinning, but it'd be filled to the brim with goat urine. Alas, we have an actual story to follow. So Fluttershy's plan is essentially to kill him with kindness, and wants to get the others to come to a dinner so that they can see how Discord is "improving". However, his master plan is to get Fluttershy to turn on her friends so that they won't be able to use the elephants of harmony on him again, by making the other five out to be humorless and unreasonable bigots. Which....is true. Look, I already said it, but when Discord's around, I tend not to like the rest of the main characters. However, it might just be this episode because, well, the others are being unreasonably bigoted asswipes. The very fact that they go to lengths to try to use a spell to change Discord's way of thinking is pretty fucked up, even if he did turn the world into chaos. Celestia didn't tell them to force Discord into submission. Either he changes his ways or he returns to being imprisoned. Therefore, Discord's not so much plotting his plans than he is speaking the truth. I really don't like the way the others are acting in this episode. Anyways, once Fluttershy calls Discord her friend, the feels start kicking him in the nuts. This is gonna be sappy-ass, isn't it? The dinner is soon interrupted by a flooding at Sweet Apple Acres, in which the others accuse Discord of causing......which is also true. So Fluttershy asks Discord to fix it, but he only agrees if she promises never to use the elements of harmony on him. Surprisingly, Fluttershy agrees to this, in which Discord plants the seeds of what is to be his next reign of chaos on the world. Fluttershy gets pissed off and says he's not her friend, and initially Discord doesn't give a fuck, until it suddenly socks him that he'll lose the one friend he's ever had. How precious. Fluttershy made Discord realize just how important friendship was to him. It's here when Discord realizes you can't always have things your way when you have friends or something and turns shit back to normal at the acres. Hence, Discord is reformed! Can we kill off Rainbow Dash in order to make Discord part of the main cast now? In the end, Celestia approves of the new Discord, and the episode is concluded. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Eh, this episode's pretty good. I mean, Discord's entertainment value is almost always welcome, and unlike what some others might think, I think his development here was rather natural and fulfilling. There might've been some goodness in there for Fluttershy too, so it looks like the focus characters made out well in this episode. It's the other characters I don't like here, at all. Their incessant disdain for anything and everything Discord did, and their attempts to brainwash Discord into being "good", were all bullshit. This is the kind of shit you would see on some satire of political correctness, but instead Twilight and company are played up rather seriously as somewhat morally valued. I'll give the episode the credit that they didn't exactly validate their intentions as correct in the end, but the fact that they even went there in the first place irks me. So, while this wasn't exactly a perfect episode, I did still enjoy it. I'm going to give "Keep Calm and Flutter On" an 8/10. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Well, now that my internet's back up, I can get back to doing what I do best. Whacking off on PornHub. But guess what, my dear cloppers? There's only three more episodes of the third season to go! You know what that means? It's time for.... the season three wrap-up of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic! Holy Christ did this whiz by. It feels like I just got finished with the season two wrap-up. Probably because I did, season three's just a relatively short piece of shit. Anyways, join me, poe knee pee pull, as we finish these last few episodes of the third season of... MLP................ F.......... i................. M!

So I just realized that it's been a year since I first reviewed "Crusaders of the Lost Mark". ... *shivers* Anyways, I think it's time I made up for the sick-day I took on the November 4th, so that's why there's a Monday review. Remember when I used to do Monday reviews? Way back in 1963? Hell of a time. Henceforth, let's gallop onward with "Spike at Your Service". Spoilers ahead! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This one opens up with Twilight getting ready to read some books. What a fucking wildcard that is. Since Twilight will be busy all day reading these books she's been assigned to read by Celestia...or something...she tells Spike to take the day off. Therefore, he goes through his list of shit he's always wanted to do...in which he runs thin of pretty quickly. After the title sequence turns my bladder into a new limb, we see Spike wandering around Ponyville trying to think of shit to do. He accidentally runs into a pole that has a hot air balloon tied to it, which unravels the knot and sends the balloon floating into the sky unmanned. Alarmed, Spike chases it, only to end up in the Everfree Forest cornered by Timberwolves. He is subsequently slaughtered, and so concludes "Sleepless in Ponyville" RIP Spike. You were an ultimately useless character. Of course, Applejack jumps in and saves Spike's life, by breaking apart their bark through a series of makeshift traps. Spike realizes how lucky AF he was that Applejack was there and propels himself into an existential crisis. In the wake of this, he explains that he must repay the favor to her. Applejack is initially reluctant, but eventually gets him to help her while having him fuck off at the same time by helping Apple Bloom clean a pig. He is successful, though is still dissatisfied with the repayment. Therefore, Applejack commissions him to help her and Granny Smith bake pies. He is successfu- ... Wait, what? He's not successful? In fact, he sucks at baking pies, and he manages to make a mess that even he can't clean? ... I'm sorry, isn't part of his job as Twilight's slave to BAKE and CLEAN? How in the fuck is this possible? He rambles on about some code he made up that if his life is saved by someone, he is forever in debt to that person. Not only is it odd that he's sticking so hard to this considering he clearly made it up, but what follows is very troubling. He prepares to break ties with Twilight. What the SHIT?!? Y'know, in "The Crystal Empire (Part 2)", Spike's greatest fear is shown to be Twilight not needing him anymore, which is one of the highlights of that episode despite its shittiness. Here, he's not only very ready to cut Twilight off, but he's also treating it as if he's breaking up with his girlfriend. What the literal fuck is going on here? Given all evidence, Spike would not act this way in this situation at all! Especially giving up Twilight for APPLEJACK of all characters. Rarity might be a little more believable, but even that would remain wonky given the circumstances. The first act is enough to make me hate this episode thus far, but there's some hope for redeem-ability since Twilight isn't paying attention during the news. Meanwhile, after Spike trades out Twilight for Applejack, the latter tries to get him to screw off. Rarity disagrees, but a prostitute's fantasies of having a slave aren't valid. "Usually, I'm the slave for my clients, but soon the tables will turn!" So Rainbow Dash suggests making Spike do something too difficult that would make him want to quit. So she has Spike build a rock tower for her to smash through, think he'd give up midway through. He doesn't, so Rainbow Dash gets her ass kicked by rocks. That's pleasing enough in and of itself to warrant some forgiveness for this episode's shortcomings. After Applejack gets really fed up, she goes to see Twilight about this whole thing, hoping she can get Spike back on track. And so she explains that.................................Spike's code must be respected?? ... WHAT?!!??!?!?! Even TWILIGHT plays into this bullshit?! Are you FUCKING kidding me?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Who the FUCK wrote this shit?! STEVEN MOFFAT?! THIS IS ABSOLUTE COCK RIGHT HERE! THE ONE THING THAT COULD POSSIBLY SAVE THIS EPISODE, AND THEY THROW IT OUT THE GODDAMN PLANE. THESE FUCKING PURPLE PONIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I don't even fucking care what happens after this, really. Spike's out of character shit was stupid enough, but the fact that Twilight's so passive about it is even fucking worse. So Applejack gathers all the other main fuckers together to stage a scenario where Spike could save Applejack's life. They get out a puppet Timberwolf and pretend that Applejack is caught in some rocks and is about to be eaten. However, thankfully, Spike doesn't fall for this bullshit and points out the fact that it's fake.....until real Timberwolves return to kill them all. Indeed, they are the Timberwolves from before, but they possess the power to reassemble their body parts, so that makes sense. Therefore, they are initially destroyed individually by Applejack pushing a boulder on them, but just like before, they reassemble their body parts. This time, however, they form into an MegaUltraZord Timberwolf of Fuck-All that is genuinely cool. Also, Applejack is stuck for real this time, so it's up to Spike to actually save Applejack. How does he do it? He throws a pebble into its throat. ... I'm not sure if I should laugh or be incredibly disappointed. I mean, that should've been played up for laughs, but it's pretty rushed. See, like, this shot is pretty funny, but there's an epic film score being played during it and the next shot of safety just staggers in with little transition. Missed opportunities. Also, what's preventing the Timberwolf from respawning again and wreaking havoc on Ponyville? Wish you knew the answer? Too bad, that plotline is immediately dropped so that Spike can be told for the hundredth time to screw off. And after Applejack says what she's been trying to get across to Spike this whole fucking episode, Spike only now decides "screw the code I made up last weekend". And just like that, he goes back to helping Twilight. ... *ahem* .... FUCK YOU. What was the FUCKING point of all of this?! You even ACT like the code meant NOTHING to you in the FIRST place. We're you just trying to get some pussy?! What the FUCK WAS YOUR MOTIVE HERE, SPIKE? " ." And SO CONCLUDES "Spike at Your Service". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HOLY SHIT. That was one of the worst episode's I've seen in a LONG time. Spike is SO fucking out of character here it's sickening. He makes up some shit dragon code about being in debt to Applejack, LEAVES Twilight even though that was his BIGGEST FEAR, in which even TWILIGHT respects, and in the end, he EASILY drops the whole thing and goes back to humping Twilight's leg. Seriously, given everything I've just pointed out about this episode, there's no point for any of this to have even been written in the first place. In fact, it kind of ruins one of the ONLY good things about "The Crystal Empire (Part 2)". "Spike at Your Service" is not only a terrible episode in and of itself, but it also managed to make another shitty episode worse. Aside from a few cool moments in this episode, the whole thing amounts to absolute bull shit. Merriwether Williams was already a mediocre writer with shit like "Hearths Warming Eve" and "Dragon Quest" under her belt, but working with Dave Polsky, who for the most part wrote decent episodes, this is an absolute disappointment of the largest degree. I'm giving "Spike at Your Service" a 2/10. I hated this episode divinely. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well fuck me silly. That's two shit episodes in a row, three sub-par episodes in a row, and FIVE below average episodes of the NINE season three episodes I've reviewed so far. The third season is truly showing its colors to be a mediocre load of crap, but we're not even through with it all yet. There's still four more episodes to go. Will there be redemption for this season after all, or will it go down in the history books as the worst season of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic? Find out next time.

So, there wasn't a review last week, and I haven't really explained why until now. I was sick with a bitching cold between last Friday and this past Tuesday, and a combination of that on top of the hours I had to work near my "recovery" prevented me from really doing much of anything online aside from a passive game or some shit. I figured, since it was so close to the next deadline when I was able or wanted to write a review, to just wait the extra day or two instead. Therefore, sorry I haven't showed my ass lately. Moving swiftly forward with serious shit. I mean, it's not like I'm gonna have a huge backlog of reviews. I'll only have to go up to season si- ... ... FUCK. How did I MISS that?! Well, shit, I guess I do have to review season seven after all. Oh well, more material for me I guess. Let's get on with the insanity, then. This is "Apple Family Reunion" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So Netflix apparently has "Just for Sidekicks" and "Apple Family Reunion" in the wrong places. Episode 8 is "Apple Family Reunion" and Episode 11 is "Just for Sidekicks", however Netflix has Episode 8 as "Just for Sidekicks" and "Apple Family Reunion" as Episode 9. Considering "Just for Sidekicks" has strict continuity with its following episode, "Games Ponies Play", this is a hilarious mistake. Keep a look out for that. The episode opens up with Applejack, Apple Bloom, and Granny Smith preparing for their next family reunion. When Apple Bloom mentions that everyone's coming to this reunion, Granny Smith shits herself. After the title sequence turns my pancreas into bubbling cider, the Brady Bunch here sit around the table talking even more about the reunion. This episode's already boring me. If they just decided to spend the whole first act eating dinner...I'd be more interested in what's going on, actually. Granny Smith keeps moaning about how she's ever going to get anything done, when Applejack offers to take over. She mentions that she'll get shit done so much as Granny Smith tells her what she needs...which is very odd. This isn't Applejacks first rodeo *BADUMTSS*. She's attended and organized plenty of reunions before. Hell, her first appearance in the series regards her being at the helm of the family reunion! Shouldn't she, I don't know, know this by now? Subsequently, they move to the living room where Granny shows the family....the history of the reunion. Again, this isn't the first reunion, and Applejack, Apple Bloom, and Big Mac have all attended the reunion before. Why the fuck does she need to explain shit to the family other than to lazily spew exposition to the audience? She then talks about some stupid quilt they've been working on since the first reunion, and two stupid flashbacks I don't care about take place. We subsequently see baby Applejack. ..............................................This doesn't phase me. Applejack, after hearing the history of the reunion she's very likely heard a million times before, suddenly gets apprehensive and obsessive of trying to make this reunion "perfect". The...fuck? Look, I've already made the "not the first reunion" argument which basically applies to this whole fucking episode, so this is especially true here. However, Applejack doesn't seem like the type of character to be in a pickle about this. I mean, I get it with someone like, say, Twilight, but Applejack? I'd think she'd have more sensibility and a clearer head when dealing with her family of all things. Not only this plot boring so far, but it's got me questioning how in-character Applejack is. GG, writers. The next day, Applejack runs around town collecting resources from the rest of the main cast that's not in this episode, just in time for the festivities to begin! Everything seems fine at first, and we even get to see Apple Bloom and Babs Seed reunite. However, murky waters arise when Applejack forces the two young cunts to compete in a race. Ugh, the predictability of this episode is showing through at this point as well. This is a watered-down rehash of "Lesson Zero". When your sister tries to lick your ass, reach out to someone you trust. For instance, your pedophile teacher. At this point, Applejack could really use a couple joints of celery, but recalling her traumatic experiences in rehab, she decides "fuck it". Stresses prove to escalate as the festivities continue, mostly self-inflicted stresses as she forcefully tries to create "memories" for her family. She even attempts to get those old cunts to finish that damn quilt by bringing in loud-ass machinery. It's apparent Applejack is going too far as I eagerly await this episode to get to the fucking point. This reunion has turned less into a festivity and more into slave culture as Applejack puts almost the entire family to work with quilting, fritter baking, and recreational use of celery. That's just what Applejack would do, isn't it? Even Apple Bloom and Babs Seed are fed up with Applejack's stupid shit. Fuck them, though, because the next activity is a not-so-relaxing speed run-of-a-hayride through the west orchard. Things are made more exciting by an airshow of fruit bats, but this is quickly turned sour when the bats nosedive for one of the old cunts' fruit hats. This is turned into mass-slaughter as the hayride carriage crashes into the barn. Now the Apple family can truly reunite...................IN HELL. Alas, everyone survives (dammit), except for the barn. And it's all Applejack's fault. I wouldn't be surprised if the family decided to murder her at this point. That's what my family did to cousin Stephanie when she became a feminist. Unfortunately, the family forgives her somewhat, Granny explaining that she wasn't letting the family create memories on their own or whatever. That's when Applejack thinks of the perfect bonding activity, one that everyone can enjoy. Fixing the barn! I know I sure love going to parties and having to participate in grueling labor! Yee-haw! A very forgettable, simplistic, and somewhat annoying musical number shows up out of nowhere at this point as they montage the reconstruction of the barn. They are successful, wouldn't you know it, and at the end of it all, they take their traditional photo in front of the newly refurbished iBarn 7. A barn with no headphone jack? Fuck that shit! In the end, all the apple bitches go home, and Applejack pulled off a fantastic reunion after all. I don't know about you, but if the only high point of my family reunion was building a barn, I'd be pretty quick to call the whole thing bullshit. I digress, however, as Applejack writes a letter to Princess Celestia (wow, a Celestia letter, when the fuck was the last time they did that?) telling her that she learned lessons about family and how the simplest moments can create grand memories. And it only took her until this reunion of all the many reunions she's attended prior to learn this lesson. How convenient. The final shot is a view of the orchard as two shooting stars make their way across the sky, supposedly symbolizing Applejack's dead parents. This episode doesn't have enough merit of its own to deserve praise for that epic moment. Aw, fuck you guys. Therein concludes "Apple Family Reunion". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This...wasn't a good episode. The biggest problem with this whole thing is that its trying to pass this reunion off as the first reunion ever. The way Applejack obsesses over making it "perfect", and how Granny Smith preaches the history of the reunion to her family, it all doesn't make any fucking sense when you consider there have been many reunions before. Come to think of it, considering there was a reunion taking place during "Friendship is Magic (Part 1)", that means at least a year had passed between season 1 and 3....which also makes no sense because season five was supposed to be the year-long marker for the series' canon. So not only is this episode's plot jumbled as fuck, but it's also confused about where it is in TIME. That brings me to the next problem with the episode; Applejack. Realistically, she wouldn't have been so batshit obsessive about making this reunion spick-and-span if this wasn't her first time attending a reunion. The argument can be made that this may be her first time planning the reunion, but she still would've handled this situation a lot better if she was written correctly. She's attended and hosted many a reunion in the past, and she should have observed at this point how to put together a proper one. You know you've fucked up when you make Applejack of ALL CHARACTERS out of character. Topping it all off, if the episode wasn't fucking up its story or characters, it was overall being bland and unmemorable. So what do you take away from "Apple Family Reunion"? About as much as you take away from "Boast Busters"; all the bullshit, or nothing at all. Therefore, I'm giving this episode a 4/10. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, that was kinda crap, wasn't it? I wonder what other "treasures" lie ahead as we move forward with season three. We're moving into the second half of the season, and I think the only 10/10 I've given to an episode was "Sleepless in Ponyville". Will there ever be another season three holy grail? Is it worth it to even give a shit? Find out next time on... My Little Pony... Friendship.......... Is......................... .............. Magic. What'd you think I was gonna say?

Oh. Hey. I'm just watching South Park. A long-running series that hasn't gone to shit. ... Sorry, the news regarding the seventh season's just really got me down. I need to make some decisions as to how long I intend to watch the show, let-alone review it. Hopefully, after this episode, I can make that decision. It's not Friday, but I figured I'd do the review today because this Friday's going to be a very busy day. Since the Dark Qiviut army ate all my closet bodies, I need to restock. How the fuck else am I going to make a living? Anyways, today's misery trip is "Wonderbolts Acadamey". Let's rock and cock. Spoilers ahead. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So this episode opens up with Rainbow Dash and company waiting for a letter of acceptance for the Wonderbolts Academy. Whoa, the Wonderbolts Academy is involved?! I didn't see that coming. Rainbow Dash is acting as pompous as usual, saying there's no way in hell she won't be accepted, and to fuel this annoying character trait further, she is indeed accepted. After both the prologue and the title sequence frustrates me straight to hell, in which I realize I have a Hell Transporter and the pop back in, only to be frustrated to hell again, into an endless cycle that lasts about 17 days, until I realize I need to eat and begins my quest to devour Jennifer Lawrence, henceforth completing my quest and time-jumping 17 days back so that I can be on time to finish writing the review, Rainbow Dash has arrived at the Wonderbolts Academy. Spoiler Alert: This episodes takes place at the Wonderbolts Academy. So now it's time to line-up and shit, an- ..................................................... I...........is that..........Spitfire?! ...........................................That's supposed to be SPITFIRE?! WHAT THE FUCK?! They changed Spitfire's design, voice, and personality for ONE FUCKING EPISODE?! ... Wait a minute, I remember now. Everything that made Spitfire, Spitfire, was changed after this fucking episode. She used to have a much calmer voice and attitude that made her a rather interesting asset and mentor to any Rainbow Dash center, because she was the blowhard trying to be as cool as Spitfire. And then they just suddenly decided, nope, fuck that, assholes. Now she's a tough stereotypical blowhard just like Rainbow Dash. This isn't even a big problem for "Wonderbolts Academy". Instead, it's because of this episode's complete 180 of Spitfire's character that we have one of the many reasons "Rainbow Falls" is a terrible fucking piece of cocksucking shit episode. Anyways, on with the actual episode. Spitfire......ugh.........starts drilling the newbs, until a dickhead named Lightning Dust challenges her and blows the academy records out of the water. Of course, Rainbow Dash has to meet this shitter, and they become good academy buddies. Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie anxiously awaits Rainbow Dash to write her a letter. She....slowly goes insane. Constipation is a bitch. As more shit happens at the academy, Lightning Dust proves herself to be even more of a tryhard than Rainbow Dash. When Lightning Dust pushes her "limits" more than Dash, Spitfire makes Rainbow the wing-pony to Dust's lead in the teamed-flying course. Rainbow Dash complains about this, but Spitfire tells Dash to screw off. A noble jest, I admit. The course begins, and in it, Rainbow Dash finds out that Lightning Dust ins't just a tryhard...she's a blowhard too. With hot-headed decision-making that leads to Dash injuring her wing, it seems Rainbow might have a decent argument for Spitfire now. However, she plays it off after Lightning continues receiving praise and Rainbow gets disapproving gaze from Spitfire. The only thing that's hurt more than my wing......is my pride penis. Pinkie Pie slowly gets more retarded waiting for Dash's letter, so the other four assholes approach her, and together they decide to deliver a care package to her in person. Back at the academy, Dust and Dash are doing the Air Obstacle Course, an exercise to mark precision under extreme circumstances. It's not a race, but Lightning Dust treats it as such and completely neglects the well-being of the rest of the squad, resulting in even more uncertainty from Rainbow Dash. In a similar exercise later, Dust pushes it even further by wanting to create a tornado that will "blow away" their competition. Reluctantly, Rainbow Dash remembers Spitfire's words regarding Lightning Dust's persistence and agrees to this. However, shit gets out of control just in time for Pinkie Pie and Co. to show up in a hot air balloon with the care package and get sucked into the tornado, falling to their doom. If only this was the series finale................. Rainbow Dash must act quickly to save her friends, so she creates some cloud-trampoline thingy to bounce them into the air so that the rest of the squad can catch 'em all. It's when Lightning Dust's careless actions start interfering with the well-being of others, including her friends, that Rainbow Dash draws the line. If Spitfire praises this dangerous behavior, and that's what gets you to be a Wonderbolt, then Rainbow Dash wants no part of it, and henceforth resigns from the academy. It's at this point that Spitfire realizes that Lightning Dust is a little bitch and sends her home, keeping Rainbow Dash in the loop as a lead-pony to chase her dreams even further. And so concludes "Wonderbolts Academy" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Egh...this one's a bit tough. I'd say that a lot of this episode was mediocre, if not irritating. Lightning Dust was ultimately a really lackluster addition to the episode, as she just sort of got sent home never to be heard from again. On top of that, there's all the Spitfire shit-fire that annoyed me to no end. At the same time, though, Rainbow Dash's reaction to Lightning Dust later on and her eventual resignation, was very interesting for her as a character. She was willing to give up her dreams for the well-being of her friends, which reinforces the element of loyalty in her. Perhaps it's a repetitive moral for us, but it speaks volumes for Rainbow Dash's development, so I quite liked that. When looking at this whole episode overall, it's kind of hard to just outright say "this was great" or "this was shit". I can't even say "meh" for once. It's a mixed bag, really. So, given all of this, I think "Wonderbolts Academy" deserves a 7/10. Certainly an interesting little fucker. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Watching this episode, though, made me realize something about My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic overall. It too is a mixed bag. A lot of the series is mediocre, if not irritating, and so many things in this show fall absolutely flat on its ass. MLP can be vomit-inducing, cringeworthy, bastardizing, and all-out worthy of outrage with a shit ton of its plot-points, characters, and story arcs. Reviewing both seasons one and two, which I once upon a time believed were majesties of story, did I realize had so many moments of disappointment and frustration. Taking just the bad of the series, you could look at the entire brony fandom and say, "what the fuck is wrong with you in-breds? My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic has got to be the most overrated and overhyped TV series of all time!" ... But then you look at what works with it. You take episodes like "Sleepless in Ponyville", "Hurricane Fluttershy", "A Friend in Deed", "Sisterhooves Social", "Luna Eclipsed", "Party of One", "The Cutie Mark Chronicles", "Look Before You Sleep", and many others, and you see the true essence of the characters, the real depth that can go into the stories, and you think, "wow, this is one of the greatest TV series of all time." For those moments, you forget about the bullshit. In moments of bullshit, you forget about the high points. And I think no less is true with season five, honestly. Yes, the fifth season is a load of shit, with so much to bag on, but there is cream in that crop. "Canterlot Boutique" is one of them, which is one episode I cannot wait to review. It's when I watch that episode that I think, if season five wasn't around, that episode probably never would've existed. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is a crock of horse-shit, and an equestrian paradise at the same time. Granted, even with this said, I can't go on forever with the show. I will grow impatient with it, and I will grow tired of reviewing it. Since there is no telling how long this series will go on, I've ultimately come to a decision about my time-frame for the series. The 2017 My Little Pony Movie. That film will be the last thing I review. I will review season seven if it airs before the film. If it doesn't, fuck it. The 2017 movie is the end of my reviews, and likely the end of my tenure watching the show, assuming I'm fed up with it at that point. The good news is, we're not quite halfway there. We're only midway through season three, and still have four, five, six, and maybe seven to go. So let's make the best of what we've got. I'll see you all next Friday.

20+ seasons of this motherfucking shit....................................... ......................I don't think I can hold out that long. I always assumed that this show would last four seasons max, until there was a season five, six, and now seven. The direction of my review columns are heavily reliant on the direction of the series, but what if this series never fucking ends?! What the fuck am I gonna do then?! I can't go on forever! I can barely deal with shit I have now! Woe-eth me! ... Huh, "Sleepless in Ponyville". Not bad. Spoilers ahead. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So this episode opens up with Scootaloo treading some sick ground on her scooter, broski. However, when Rainbow Dash interrupts her with "nice moves", she crashes into a bale of hay and is instantly impaled to death. And so concludes "Sleepless in Ponyville". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Wow, what a great episode this was. The character development was so fucking fantastic I couldn't even. I especially like how the cow eating Scootaloo represents the corruptibility of the music industry or some shit, and Rainbow Dash's comment represents the oppression of people who like to complicate their personalities by assigning made-up genders to themselves and then forcing their mental retardation on the rest of the world. A fantastic social commentary never to be topped by anything in the history of everything ever. I give this episode a "holy shitballs" as well as a 10/10! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ... Oh, that's right, the title sequence hasn't done something unspeakably horrible to me yet. The episode must not be finished... ... So after the title sequence stretches my asshole ten miles wide and forces the entire city of Chicago in it, encouraging me to vomit that city out of the other end and make Detroit, Scootaloo fangirls over Rainbow Dash to the other CMC. Apple Bloom is contemplating the meaning of life, Scootaloo is suffering a seizure, and Sweetie Belle has completely snapped. Average day for the CMC! It was at this point in the episode that my internet crashed for several hours. Well, time to rethink my theology...again. Scootaloo starts rambling about how Rainbow Dash is the greatest thing ever and that she needs to spend more time with her so she can take her under her wing as like a big sister or some shit. Holy shit....the fan-fics are coming true. THE FAN-FICS ARE COMING TRUEE!!!!! Apple Bloom suggests that since she and Applejack are going camping, she can get Harplejarkle to invite Mareblow Dash and Rarity as well, so all three of the motherfuckers can kick it in the woods. However, Rarity despises camping, because she wouldn't be able to prostitute to woodland creatures.......yet. Sweetie Belle convinces her with cuteness and the story is set! Off they go into the mountains for some raunchy-ass entertainment and mass slaughter! A fantastic line of dialogue ensues: Raritits: "Are we therreee yett?" Applerack: "The last thousand times you asked that, the answer was no. This time, it's actually yes!" Well stroke my penis and call me Betsy, that made me chuckle like a motherfucker. That's when Rainbow Dash shows up with the morning wood. Yikes, Rainbow Dash. There are children here. Do you think you could wait until later to jerk off? ...................Wait, YOU HAVE A DI-?! So Scootaloo is having a shit time trying not to look like a little bitch in front of Rainbow Dash, as expected. A thought just occurred to me. Why is this called "Sleepless in Ponyville" if they're in the woods outside of Ponyville? Another question that will never be answered from good 'ol Prymie. Things get worse when Rainbow Dash tells a scary story, and Scootaloo tries to hide the fact that she's scared. This haunts her throughout the night as she fails to get much sleep. Well, we've got the sleepless part of the title down, though sleepless is a given any time Rarity is involved in the story. Even when she does manage to sleep, hi-jinx in the form of nightmares ensue, which leave Scootaloo in an excellent quagmire for the duration of the camping trip. The next night, Applejack thinks its a good idea to omit the tents for a nearby cave. Because caves are very safe, aren't they? Nothing bad could ever be inside of a cave. Except, y'know, woodrats, foxes, wolves, raccoons, bears, cave spiders, scorpions, cockroachs, and three-fifths of my family. Needless to say, this doesn't help Scootaloo's predicament, and at campfire time, she's a bigger wreck than before. "I think I just shit myself." Tonight's story is of the Headless Horse...I think...and the creepy tale of that. Hilariously, Applejack chimes in with rebuttals such as "how does it know where it's going" and "where's its brain?". This doesn't phase Scootaloo, who's having more seizures in the corner. For the rest of the night, Scootaloo tries to stall bedtime by having Sweetie Belle sing 99 buckets of oats, as well as offering hide and seek and other sexual innuendos as passtime. Instead, everyone tells Scootaloo to kill herself, so she has more nightmares. This time, it's of being chased by the Headless Horse...I think...as Scootaloo runs for her motherfuckin' life. When she's cornered and has nowhere to run, the horse just kind of waves its hooves around the air for several seconds on end. Yeah....I don't know how you could be scared by that. Just sodomize the fucker and move on with your life. Instead, Scootaloo is visited by someone completely different than who both she and the audience expected. Gee, Luna. So nice of you to make an appearance for once. And with more than two lines? Well, fuck me silly! Luna, Princess of the Night......and stalking people in their dreams......assures Scootaloo that when she wakes, what she fears the most will still exist. Nay, it is not the Headless Horse...I think...'nor that creepy lady from the first story. It is her fear of appearing to be a..........wait for it.....................chicken in front of Rainbow Dash. OOOH THE WONDERFUL MEMEAGE. SHOWER ME WITH YOUR APPROVAL AND/OR MONEY!!!!!!!!!! Luna advises Scootaloo to face her fears, but of course she doesn't and instead........chickens out................*ahem*....and rides her scooter into the night. However, after a measly pebble sends Scootaloo overtop of a waterfall hanging on for dear life, it seems it's all over for our favorite cutie mark crusader. When she falls to her death, Rainbow Dash jumps in and saves the shit out of her, thankfully. But now it's time for her to face her fears, as Rainbow Dash is about to smack Scootaloo a new asshole. So, she confesses: she wanted Rainbow Dash to take her under her wing and be like her big sister, but she became scared of her campfire stories and didn't want to look like a..............chicken. Then, in a strange twist of fate, Rainbow Dash reveals that when she first heard the story, she chickened out too! What's this? There are two chickens?! Holy shit, dude! And...in the end...Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo share a heartfelt moment solidifying their "sisterly" relationship for the rest of the series. THEEEEEE FANN-FICSSSSSS ARE COMING TRUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! By the end, Scootaloo learns to face her fears, Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo race, and Luna does a creepy ass wink. So concludes "Sleepless in Ponyville". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Wow, what a great episode this was. The character development was so fucking fantastic I couldn't even. More specifically, the dynamic of Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo is brought into fruition for the first time. I love this episode for essentially the same reason I love "Look Before You Sleep". This episode solidified a relationship between two rather undeveloped characters that benefits them both, in both the short and the long-term. This is something Scootaloo needed as a character for a damn good while, as I understand this is her first focus episode, but also Rainbow Dash was in desperate need of this as well. An inkling of real humanity in her character, and it's taken to its fullest within the last five minutes or so. For these reasons, I've always loved this episode, and for doing Scootaloo as well as Rainbow Dash some damn good justice, I give this episode a "holy shitballs" as well as a 10/10! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Well, that was amazing.... . ... But there's still going to be seven motherfucking cock-pissing asslicking seasons of this show! ... Seriously, guys. What the hell am I going to do? I don't want to be writing review columns into my goddamned thirties! The show is clearly jumping the shark given season five! So what the shit is a bitch like me to do?! ...

...................................... ......................... This is "Magic Duel". Spoilers ahead. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So this episode opens up with some hooded motherfucker galloping to the store, in search for some red glowing amulet thing. The shopkeeper is hesitant about selling something on display, until the hooded motherfucker drops a shitload of cash on the desk. Then he's like "whatever", and the title sequence proceeds to remind me that there will be seven fucking seasons of this shit. Once we come back, we see Twilight trying to juggle Fluttershy's animals for......some celebration I guess. I don't have time to keep up with trivial nonsense. However, Rainbow Dash gathers Twilight to the town square, where evil stuff is taking place. What evil stuff, you might ask? Oh, nothing. Just Trixie's back, that's all. Nice Halloween costume, but you've still got two weeks to go. Yes, Trixie. Remember her? That makeshift antagonist from one of season one's worst episodes? We all wanted to see her again. Well, at least all of her fans that worship her. Seriously, those people exist. No wonder this show is dragging on forever. In any other series we'd shit on this character and move on with our lives. Anyways, Trixie challenges Twilight to a magic duel, in which the winner gets to stay in Ponyville and the loser must leave forever. Egh.......great, one of these episodes. Twilight initially doesn't agree, until Trixie starts fucking with her friends. Hey, Trixie-lovers, I said fucking WITH her friends, not...oh forget it, you'll make fan fictions anyway. From putting Rarity in a shit dress to taking Pinkie Pie's ability to speak away, Twilight is given no choice but to rival her and rue the days. So the duel begins, and all seems well in Twilight's favor until Trixie puts her new amulet to prime use: an aging spell on Snips and Snails. Aging spells, however, are extremely powerful magic that even Twilight is unable to overcome. Therefore, Twilight is banished until she can capture the Avatar to restore her honor. Well, I guess they finally got all those damn purple ponies out of Ponyville after all. Now....how about Spike? Twilight decides the best course of action is to take off to Zecora to figure out a solution. Ultimately, Zecora takes Twilight as her "student" of sorts to learn how to best Trixie. Meanwhile, back at the scraphouse, Trixie is turning the town hall into some kind of throne room, and the whole town appears to be turning to utter shit. Kind of like the show, come to think of it. (Ooooh sick burn m8 rekt360noscope420blazeitfam). Therefore, as Twilight trains, the other fuckers find out that the Alicorn Amulet, in which Trixie is wearing, is a powerful enhancer that only Trixie can take off. The plan is to get the information to Twilight so she can come up with a plan. I know this works out in the long-run, but holy shit is that lazy of the others. "Wow, new information! .......Fuck it, Twilight will save us." They send Fluttershy out of the fishbowl commando style to get this information to Twilight. That's...............................fucking impossible. After Twilight learns of this, Zecora tells Twilight to "mix [her] magic and use the six". That sounds like a satanic chant, which is excellent for me, but I digress. Clearly, it means something else, and Twilight sends Fluttershy back to Ponyville with a message. Later, Twilight and Zecora show up at the gates of Ponyville with a "more powerful" amulet than the Alicorn Amulet. They taunt Trixie with this, and eventually coax her into another duel. During round two, Trixie uses her old age spell trick on Snips and Snails, however Twilight oddly has new, much more impressive abilities. Not only was she able to rapidly exchange the ages of Rarity and Applejack, but was also able to give Rainbow Dash a clone, Pinkie Pie a shit ton of instruments, and a transgender Harplejarkle. Raunchiest duel of all-time. Therefore, after these revelations, Trixie steals Twilight's amulet in hopes to become the most powerful unicorn in Equestria, taking the Alicorn amulet off herself. That's when Rainbow Dash jumps in and snags it, but when Trixie thinks this new amulet will grant her all the power in the world, Twilight reveals that it's just a door-stop and that all of the magics were a performance of the utmost tomfoolery. Essentially, betch got pranked, m8. Remember kids. Family members are the most suitable options for your clones in a magic duel! Therefore, Trixie has returned to her former glory as a weakling and the Alicorn Amulet can be hidden away forever. Once Twilight explains her genius, Trixie is forced to run away and hide again, and the day is saved. What an excellent conclusion to the story that was. But it's like I said, folks, Trixie is nothing but a makeshift villain and she'll never be anything mo-.....wait...the episode's not over yet? ... Huh, so the celebration for whatever with the animals is taking place....ya-dah-ya-dah-ya........whaaaaaaa? As an explosion of fireworks takes place that Twilight didn't cause, she turns to see Trixie helping her with the performance, and she essentially apologizes for being a shitstone in a cumsack. Hmph. As Trixie trots away, I couldn't help but feel...charmed by that. Maybe, Trixie's worth more than I'd given credit. Finally, . Pinkie Pie is perfection. So concludes "Magic Duel". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ These...episodes keep changing my point of view. First I thought "One Bad Apple" was a piece of shit, and it turns out it was just sort of "okay". Then I thought "Magic Duel" was a mediocre blandfest, and as it turns out, it's actually pretty good. Granted, the first act is fairly wonkey, with the shopkeeper and Trixie taking over and all that. Nothing seemed particularly special, and it appeared to be another one of those skippable filler episodes to please Trixie fans. However, as the story progressed, I became more intrigued with how exactly they were going to thwart Trixie, and once I remembered the intricate plan that took place to get the amulet off of her neck, I smiled. Then there was the surprisingly charming ending that I didn't think I'd feel anything for. Trixie is probably one of the most forgettable villains having come out of "Boast Busters", but this episode changed her into something of a novelty character. Her motives are perfectly summed up in that last minute, and I think it speaks volumes. This episode isn't particularly heavy on character development, even though it is Trixie making the change here, but the plotline was still very interesting. And, of course, there's the last scene of the episode, which was great. Overall, I'm giving "Magic Duel" a 9/10 for excellency well executed. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ..... Still doesn't change the fact that there's a seventh season coming. ......... ........ There's going to be 20+ seasons of this bullshit, isn't there?