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Skygunner

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Skygunner

Skygunner

(edited)

-keep reading to find out how to get free art-

 

For the love of Celestia.  Please make sure your OC profile is longer than a paragraph.   If there's not material to work with, I can't give it a fair/valid review.

 

Hello there. Some of you may have seem my last topic, here. 

 

http://mlpforums.com/topic/91344-oc-review-free-constructive-feedback/

 

And this will be similar. 

 

Essentially, I will read your OC's profile,  and give it a similar review to what you have seen in that topic. But there's a catch.

 

 

1 - I'm going to read your characters profile out loud.

2 - My reactions to said profile will also be recorded

3- The reviews are no holds barred.  Fair, both positve and negatives will be mentioned.

4 - Some base animations,  drawings, and a bingosheet will be placed up on youtube.

5 - there are bonus prizes for fulfilling particular requirements. (the prize is more art)

 

What do you get for this?

 

1 - The critique of course! I will give you suggestions on how to fix aspects that don't make sense,  plot holes,  etc.  Don't worry I'm not a bad guy.

2 - Free drawing.  Any character accepted will get a free drawing of said character by the lovely  bluekite falls.  http://bluekite-falls.deviantart.com/gallery/36014409/PONIES    

 

 

Sounds great! Sign me up!!!

hold up there tiger...for this to work out, you're profile is going to need a few things.

 

1 - A REFERENCE.  I don't care if it's just a pony generator.. Need some sort of visualization of your OC.  A vivid description isn't awful...but gotta have some form of picture. -it's needed for the art-

 

2 - A fleshed out backstory, and history.   If you only have a paragraph...I'm afraid that's not long enough.  Need material to work with here.   I'm not looking for a day by day of information,  just read it out loud.  If it takes about 2 minutes to read.  That's great.  10 minutes...too long.  30 seconds...not long enough.  

 

Their childhood

how they got their cutie mark (if they have it)

defining moments

personaliaty

appearance.

 

Those are all critical.  IF that all sounds great,  start dropping some OC profiles here.  They can be in any medium,  Deviant art link,  MLP forums, wherever you want.  I'd like to get the first one started tonight,  anyone from my previous thread whom I didn't get too, feel free to apply,  if your profile meets requirements, I'll make sure to do yours. If not first, then sooner rather than later.

 

Thanks ~sky

Edited by Skygunner
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aoEAF2FBvC0MIo2Q

aoEAF2FBvC0MIo2Q

(edited)

Erythema. She's a donkey.
 
As for visual representation, all I have so far is the head. Her body is supposed to look lean from all the exercise she gets.

post-8721-0-37919700-1414191057_thumb.png
 
Alright, there are two different "variations" of this character which hinges on the timeline. You have "pre-reunion" Erythema and you have "post-reunion" Erythema. There are three major points in the timeline of her backstory which is her life on her native island (yes, she is a foreigner in Equestria), the shipwreck which is when she got to Equestria and finally when she got reunited with her brother in Equestria.
 
Her Native Island
This is where she was born and raised. She had been born into a troubled society but the socio-economic class she was born into guaranteed her and her sibling a relatively comfortable -- if sheltered -- life. During her childhood, revolution was under way but her parents did their best to keep themselves away from it as much as possible. Her father had connections to other equines who he could turn to should things go south and go south things did when the extremists had won the revolution and destroyed the state, plunging the island society into anarchy. This happened in Erythema's early teenage years. Not long after, while her father and twin brother were on their way back home from a routine shopping trip, two bandits had broken into their home where Erythema and her mother were. Her father had instructed SunBurn to go hide while went to take care of the problem. Erythema saw her mother get stabbed to death and bleed out by the bandits and they also went for her. Luckily however, her father got the drop on one of the bandits and gave a grievous stab in a vital area of one of the two bandits, downing him with that one blow. It then became a duel between her father and the other bandit and her father won. On that fateful day, she saw her mother getting murdered and her dad slaughtering the two bandits to save her life but too late to save her mother.
 
After her mother's burial, her father took them to one of the different factions that emerged from the anarchy; the Cactus Clan made up mostly of donkeys. He figured that joining a faction would offer some better protection after all as he had been aversive to taking any sides before -- especially when leaders can be abusive and cruel. As the name suggests, the Cactus Clan occupies much of the arid territories of the island which the other factions do not really consider to be worth fighting for as much of the fighting is done over fertile land. Pretty much all its females do household-related tasks such as cooking, cleaning, small errands, things of that nature but Erythema wanted to learn how to fight. She recalls the killing of her mother at the hooves of those bandits and how she would have been buried along with her had her father not stepped in and saved her by killing those bandits. She is determined to learn how to fight -- and to kill -- in order to protect those she holds dear; her father and her twin brother.
 
Training was a very turbulent process, however -- in part because of her being a jenny (mare/filly equivalent of donkey). She did get bullied and discouraged by a bunch of the jacks (stallion/colt equivalent) in training with he but one of the teachers who she later trained under was very supportive with her, seeing in her determination and growing discipline. This teacher was determined to bring her to the fullest of her potential. She routinely spent many hours of her days training her body and practicing her technique, be it on her own or under supervision. The other jacks weren't liking the idea of there being a jenny that could surpass them. Under these social pressures and with the advice of her father and her mentor alike, she developed a strategy for talking her way out of these situations by leveraging the egos of her jealous comrades to her advantage but it still took a few duels before she could really start to gain respect from her male peers. She started to get more respect when she proves herself out on the battlefield and in combat and with each mission, she becomes progressively more mechanical and ruthless -- at least when she fights -- seemingly executing the right strategy using the right technique with perfect execution at the appropriate time and without a shred of hesitation or compassion for her victims. Even to her comrades, she is both feared and respected. Her father passed away when she was roughly 20 years old and it devastated her. Her twin brother is now the only family she has left and she made a promise to him that he will not die before she does. One day, her brother got captured by one of the enemy's troops and it awakened in her an unholy rage. This mission was the most personal for her. And rescue him she did; by personally slaughtering all of the guards looking over the captured equines in a matter of minutes. Her fury gave her enhanced speed and strength and her experience and muscle memory made sure it did not come at the expense of her skill. But when it was all done, her brother SunBurn looked at her terribly frightened as though she was going to kill him next. She was overjoyed that she was able to make him return home safely but in the days that followed, he acted alienated towards her and she too could see the fear in his eyes with which he looks at her. This fear faded over time but she never quite understood why he'd ever see her with such fear in his eyes. Her conviction is after all to protect him with her life.
 
The following years were relatively slow. She continued to practice her skills and keep her body conditioned as she knows better than to let her edge dull. Skirmishes didn't happen as often as they used to and she had fewer problems with her peers. Even keeping SunBurn safe from them became easy. Peace was not attained but it was simply a stalemate. This gave leaders of the cactus clan the opportunity and the time to try something different; that is to build a ship and look for distant lands with greener -- less bloody -- pastures. SunBurn was appointed to be part of the crew and because of that, Erythema insisted that she go along with him. It wasn't easy but she got the leaders to concede and let her go along. This ship sailed north. Eventually they get shipwrecked because of a fierce storm and she washes up on Equestria's eastern coast in front of the Hayseed Swamp. Unfortunately for her, she had also lost all of her weapons because of the shipwreck. Yet despite everything, there is only one thing she can think of: SunBurn. He had to have survived the shipwreck. She just couldn't bare to think of what she would do stranded away from home and her brother dead.
 
Personality: Pre-Reunion
She seems to carry a strict look on her face all the time and almost always treats equines she doesn't know with skepticism. Because she is from a distant land, she knows of nopony in Equestria and quite frankly, she isn't interested in getting to know anyone. She generally avoids interaction and really can't be bothered for small talk. If a pony isn't turned away by her stern expression or her unfriendliness, she'll immediately suspect that this pony wants something from her and will insist that this pony cut the small talk and get straight to business. Her scrutiny can be pretty unrelenting. Another thing she does to keep interaction to its bare minimum is to do what she does during the day when most ponies are busy working. She has a particular distrust for unicorns given the advantage they have with their magic. At the end of the day, all she's interested in is finding other survivors of the shipwreck -- her twin brother SunBurn most notably. If she cannot return home and if her brother turns out to be dead, she's convinced that she will take her own life.
 
Backstory: Between Pre- and Post-Reunion
Her new conviction had become to find her brother and go back home. Because she had been very aversive to interacting with the locals, that went very slowly. Another important thing that was happening were her observations of Equestrian societies but in her stubborn refusal to let her guard down, all the clues just kept floating in the back of her mind. She was eventually found by a search party and got reunited with her brother. As the reunion happened, she heard of the kindness of the locals as well as having seen it in this reunion. To think that societal energies were put into them gathering the survivors to reunite them and on to top it all off, they would be treated as citizens -- given refuge from a reality drenched in violence. All the pieces fit together now and it finally sinks in that her cold, barbed steel exterior has lost its relevance, at which point she had a breakdown. For days in the aftermath she was unable to speak and she clung to her brother like a scared filly to a parent. Now she is left wondering how she's going to live in a world that seems so utterly different than what she grew up in. However, there is a lurking darkness in all of this. She may have allowed the steel shell on her heart to dissolve -- exposing the scared filly she's always been since her mother's death -- but the memories of her previous life as a soldier are still with her. What she hasn't realized is how her jaded and hard-hearted way of looking at life has given her a coping mechanism for the atrocities and obscenities she's committed on the battlefield. As her heart opens up and becomes more vulnerable, the memories she's always lived with as a soldier may now come to haunt her. Even then, she always knew that she was a monster but maybe now that shes more open and vulnerable, she will discover what a monster she truly was. Maybe then she will understand why SunBurn was so terrified of her when she rescued him in her raging bloodlust. What place will these old memories end up having have in her new, non-violent life in Equestria?
 
Personality: Post-Reunion
Quite shy and somewhat easily frightened. She prefers to stay by her brother's side but she's still having a hard time feeling safe on her own (and unarmed). In most interactive situations, she would rather let her brother handle everything, turning to him as though he were a parent. She just comes off as very confused, indecisive and overly alert of her surroundings. It's as though she never really knows what to say, how to talk or how to act and she's too concerned with what might go wrong. Everything she had learned up to that point was how to survive in the hostile environment back home but what to do in Equestria where interpersonal violence is negligible both in occurrence and in scale relative to where she used to live? She really doesn't want to accidentally hurt anyone of this society -- not after the trouble they took to what is essentially providing her and her brother a new home. Needless to say at this point, she'd be very awkward to interact with. She hopes that SunBurn will have answers for everything. 

​On some days she may appear weary because of the nightmares she's been having. She may be prone to apologize disproportionately over small things. You can kinda tell that she's disturbed as she seems overly alert and jumpy. She doesn't understand why this is all happening now and SunBurn doesn't either. He does try to talk to her about it but she doesn't really know how to express her feelings -- let alone her deepest feelings.

 


 
Yeah, quite a mouthful... I would have preferred one of my newer OCs -- Morning Solitude -- but he's very much a WIP with me writing a fan fic about a pivotal moment in his life to truly explore the impact of it. Edited by SunBurn
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Skygunner

Skygunner

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No worries!! That's actually pretty close to what I'm looking for.

 

However,  If at all possible, do you have any ponies.  This is literally the first episode, and I'd very much like it to be a pony.  They are something much more established in cannon, and therefor have a lot more material to work with.

 

If in the future,  this becomes a reoccurring thing, I'd gladly branch out and do other species,  such as Donkey, or Dragon. (love dragons),  Heck, I can even make a BINGO sheet just for Donkies.  But, for the first episode, I'd really like to do a pony. 

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Skygunner

Skygunner

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(edited)

Well, I might as well put my new one up for this thing, and maybe even Kaymen (top link in sig) so...if you want, have at them

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/lunar-midnight-r7307

Not quite enough material to work with.    Do you have a longer version that goes more into his backstory, and how those ponies became whom they are?

 

 

for a example....-looking at that old thread of critiques-

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/doctor-electron-volt-r4961

 

that is about how much info I'm looking for.    Remember,  the more information about a pony provided,  the stronger a review can be made.

 

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/kaymen-blooblood-r6482

 

This guy for instance.  

 

became known as "pony of the shadows"

 

there's  a story there. But,,,,it isn't written down.   Why did he befriend fruit bats,  how'd that all go down.  Lots of places you can elaborate to really build that characters backstory up,   and explain -why-  he is the way he is. 

 

actually seems like an interesting character.

Edited by Skygunner
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Skygunner

Skygunner

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Well...I guess I could try coming up with more for lunar...give me a little bit... how much would you say I need to add?

There's no rush.  -you two are the only to apply so far-

 

Read them out loud and see,   My goal is to have about a 5 - 7 minute long video. so if it takes me 30 seconds to get through reading the profile...it's not enough.

 

Typically, 1 page (im Microsoft word) takes about a minute.  So....about a page and a half will do.  Since I'll ready a description, and personality as well.

 

Just flesh them out as you see fit, and of course, have fun!

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RAGESTAR

RAGESTAR

(edited)

You can take a look at my mane OC Crimson, if you want. His profile is in the link in my sig, the first one on top.

 

Warning: he is , admittedly, extremely OP...but he does have weaknesses, lol.

Edited by RAGE
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Dattebayo

Dattebayo

(edited)

righty_tighty_reference_by_dattebayo681-

 

Likes: fixing things, tinkering with mechanical objects, building stuff out of nothing, jury-rigging, being alone, romance and horror movies, soft alcohol

 

Dislikes: Secretly? Everything. But most notably;

cats, the dark, being around people, disappointing others, being in charge, her tail, when her sexual orientation is questioned, reading books, violence, gore, mimes

 

Righty Tighty was born in In a small town in Califoalnia, along with her twin sister, Lefty Loosey.

She was raised by her father, a coal miner named Blasting Stick. Her mother died in childbirth.

 

Having no idea how to raise two fillies on his own, Blasting Stick thought immediately in their future, and having been witness to the technological advancements taking Equestria by storm, he decided their futures for them: engineers.

 

A young Righty took to her predetermined destiny rather quickly, proving to be a problem as she spent her time dismantling objects to see how they worked, on mainly because she could. Her naturally rebellious sister, Lefty, spent her time doing everything she could to try to avoid her destiny, doing her best to get her cutie mark in other things.

 

It was a bittersweet time for Righty and Lefty when they got their cutie marks at the same time: a wrench and a lug wrench, respectively.

 

Flash forwarding many years, Righty was hand-picked by Celestia ((this is not as big an honor as you think, as every pony that was chosen was picked by her)) for a secret space exploration mission for her skills in mechanical engineering and overall resourcefulness when it came to fixing things.

She accepted, having being curious about the limitless vacuum of space for quite some time.

During a training exercise, she got lost in the forest and stumbled upon an easy-going earth pony named Cloud Watcher, who eventually showed her to relax and enjoy the finer things in life, and eventually, to love.

 

Even at her relatively young age, Righty wanted children, lots of them. So did Cloud Watcher. So the two talked endlessly about their futures.

What will the childten be called? Where would they live? Who would work and who would stay home?

It truly was a happy time in her life.

 

After a routine check up at the doctor's, Righty learned she was sterile, incapAble of having offspring.

This broke her heart, and destroyed it when she realized that she would be denying Cloud WAtcher a family if she stayed with him.

So she stopped training to Cloud completely, hoping to spare him the shame that she was a failure and his heartache.

While this may appear selfish, this was the most logical step in her grieving mind.

 

But Cloud was nothing if not persistent

Even as she boarded the Solar Empire Space Exploration Vessel.Equestria to begin her mission, Cloud snuck aboard disguised part of the security team...

 

((The rest is told in my comic))

 

Though Righty never really devoted any true time to learning spells, her telekinesis' strength and magic reserves are above-average, probably from spending her life dismantling and reassembling anything that wouldn't be noticed right away if it broke.

 

For a filly whose first complete sentence was "But the potty will eat me", Righty is morbidly curious. This causes her to unwittingly prance into harm's way, time and time again, often relying on others to come to the rescue. Don't ask her about the pickle jar story.

 

While it would not be accurate to label Righty as a coward, but you wouldn't be in the wrong in thinking so.

Her most notable feature is the way she's always tensed up, expecting that certain unknown something that never comes to happen. You see her face up there? That's her standard face. Her dad used to say that when she was born, she didn't cry, and instead just stared at the doctor. "Your first awkward silence", he said.

 

Righty always worries about everything.

"Did I leave the stove on?" "Did I leave the milk outside the fridge?" "Will these alien zombies be polite enough to kill me quickly?"

These are all questions a smart person would ask. According to her.

Edited by Dattebayo
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Marciblook

Marciblook

(edited)

Mind you, this is an addition to what I already have on his profile

 

Liniage

His parents were the adventurous type, his father being the inspiration for becoming a royal guard. When his father was on duty, he came across a zebra smuggler who knew powerful curses, little did he know. When he arrested the zebra, he swore he would suffer for disruppting his work. That was when he cursed him, so his son would become a bat pony.

 

Childhood

His life was as normal as can be, until his tenth birthday. During his birthday party, he started to change, his wings changed into those of a bat. His friends had become afraid of him, he looked different, and to the children, scary. His mother feared for him, she didn't know why this had happened, the father never told her about that day.

 

Guard tryouts

They let him tryout to be a royal guard, even if they wouldn't let him in. While he was there, he met a mare that had the same wings he had, they became fast friends while they were there. When they finally told them they couldn't join, they both blew up at the one in charge before being thrown out of the barracks.

 

Luna's royal guard

After Luna had drafted them for her royal guard, the two bat ponies were assigned to many missions together, and they had grown to know each other well. After a year, lunar was sent on a solo mission to the everfree forest, and he felt like he had to let the mare know how he felt about her. Before he left for the everfree, he went to see her and told her, she felt the same. She gave him a goodbye kiss before he left. He received his scar from the manticore, and a reason to leave Luna's royal guard.

 

Bounty hunter

He kept his armor from his time in Luna's royal guard, but with one modification, he attached the fire ruby the mare had given him to the chest plate. While he was a bounty hunter, he hunted small bounties mostly, thieves, assaulters and sometimes serial killers. Until one day, he was forced to hunt someone he knew all to well. The mare he had fallen for, which had felt like so long ago. A mob boss wanted her gone cause she was getting into they're business. When he confronted her, he was conflicted, if he didn't take her to him, the boss would have them both killed, and if he did he would never forgive himself. So he told her to come with him, go into hiding, and he'll tell the boss he killed her. And if the boss saw through him, he would do his best to escape, and they would disappear together. Which is exactly what happened.

 

Now you can find lunar midnight frequenting taverns across equestria, still doing what he's been doing since he left Luna's guard.

 

Is that good?

Edited by Tone shift
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aoEAF2FBvC0MIo2Q

aoEAF2FBvC0MIo2Q

 

 

However,  If at all possible, do you have any ponies.  This is literally the first episode, and I'd very much like it to be a pony.  They are something much more established in cannon, and therefor have a lot more material to work with.

 

Ehhh... She's the most fleshed-out OC I have. As for a pony OC, the most fleshed-out would be Morning Solitude but he's still an incomplete character where certain specific details may change over time but the overall concept is pretty concrete at least. It's just that I need to explore the full extent of a certain pivotal moment in his backstory and how that truly influenced him. That said, however the exploration of that pivotal moment turns out, it may affect what his personality finally becomes. However, if that isn't a problem, I can go ahead with it regardless.

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Skygunner

Skygunner

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Ok,  lots of good examples, I'm gonna give them all a recorded read through,  whichever ones turns out best will go up as the first video.   Just because I don't use yours,  however,  doesn't mean I won't ever.

 

Thank you all! Feel free to keep throwing ponies out.   They'll all get a review sooner,  or later.  Sorry I'm a little aloof.  ~IRL editing to do~

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