mega thread Last Poster Wins

[Lunatic Cake 1,618]

Only Avatars cuter than mine are allowed to post.

[Guest]

NEW VEGAS!
second best game ever. Right after Fo3.
You may have half the win.@,

and im gonna break that rule because fuck it.
it aint possible

[Lunatic Cake 1,618]

But it is! Do not break that rule or another one will come upon you!

[Guest]

*flais arms around.*

[Toon Richard 534]

64 bits... 32 bits... 16 bits. 8 bits. 4 Bits! 2 BITS! 1 BIT! HALF BIT!! QUARTER BIT!!! THEEEE WRIIIIST GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!!!!!

[Loriem 639]

Get oudda mah thread!!!

[Jackleberry 1,923]

*Lands in thread*

 

Hm ... looks empty.

 

*Leaves*

[Skylar 1,641]

Potato 

[Sir Hugsalot 9,350]

Potato 

Nice try, but I'll win anyway.

[Untitled Goose Q 5,137]

I'd rather be a sparrow than a snail. 
Yes I would. 
If I could, 
I surely would. 

[AdmiralZeratul 156]

I remember when this thread was normal. That was a long time ago.

[Sir Hugsalot 9,350]

I remember when this thread was normal. That was a long time ago.

It was actually normal?

[Untitled Goose Q 5,137]

I'm in a Simon and Garfunkel mood.

[Crapplejack 136]

Suffering is magic

[Mr Dash 1,820]

My face is magic.

[Toon Richard 534]

64 bits... 32 bits... 16 bits. 8 bits. 4 Bits! 2 BITS! 1 BIT! HALF BIT!! QUARTER BIT!!! THEEEE WRIIIIST GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!!!!!

[Untitled Goose Q 5,137]

When you're weary 
Feeling small 
When tears are in your eyes 
I will dry them all 

I'm on your side 
When times get rough 
And friends just can't be found 
Like a bridge over troubled water 
I will lay me down 
Like a bridge over troubled water 
I will lay me down 

When you're down and out 
When you're on the street 
When evening falls so hard 
I will comfort you 

I'll take your part 
When darkness comes 
And pain is all around 
Like a bridge over troubled water 
I will lay me down 
Like a bridge over troubled water 
I will lay me down 

Sail on Silver Girl, 
Sail on by 
Your time has come to shine 
All your dreams are on their way 

See how they shine 
If you need a friend 
I'm sailing right behind 
Like a bridge over troubled water 
I will ease your mind 
Like a bridge over troubled water 
I will ease your mind

[Toon Richard 534]

Remember back then when I first warned you about the horrors of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on the NES? Well, there were a few other games I mentioned there......

[Flashback]

They're just, you know rare, obscure games like, y'know, "MC Kids" or uh, "Taxman" or whatever...

[Flashback ends]

What the hell is Taxman? (With an embaressed laugh) I didn't even know what the hell I was talking about! I had too much to drink. What I meant to say was Wall Street Kid, a game about the stock market. Who would ever wanna play a game like that? But it so just happens by some fucking coincidence there actually is a game called Taxman for the Apple II computer. I've heard that there's nothing much to this game, it's just a Pac-Man clone. I figured that probably means it's a game that's very similar to Pac-Man. I was wrong. By "clone", they meant "an exact copy"! It's Pac-Man!  

Have you played Pac-Man? Then you've played Taxman without even knowing it! But that's not what I'm here to talk about. I'm here to talk about something that I feared since the beginning.

[Flashback]

Those little Tiger, like, electronic wrist games, those are better than "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde".

[Flashback ends]

Have we gotten to that point now? Is it time... to scrape the bottom of the toilet bowl of the whole video game industry? Yeah, it's time to talk about... TIGER GAMES.

Since the advent of video games, the idea of portable games was a novel concept, like the Nintendo Game & Watch series. Everybody liked the idea of being able to bring a game with you wherever you go. There were many examples, but none so common as the Tiger handheld games. They used the most primitive technology possible. The graphics, if you can even call them graphics, work like this. The background is a fixed image that's printed onto the console. In front of that is a clear screen, kinda like an animation cel, with a bunch of static images that represent all the characters and objects. When the game plays, these images light up individually to simulate the illusion of movement. It's sorta like a calculator or a digital watch. I can't think of a more crude way to make a video game. Of course, you don't need technology to make a good game, but these were all UNGODLY.

But that didn't stop these games from flooding the market! They were everywhere! And everybody bought them! Everybody I knew had at least one of these things! On the school bus, people were playing them. At lunchtime, everybody was swapping them around and playing each other's games! It was like chicken pox! We all got it!

It was the cheapest option for a handheld game. You could find them at any store, they were convenient for birthday presents, and each one was its own individual game. You didn't need to get any other game cartridges to play on them, and all you needed was two AA batteries. The Game Boy, on the other hand, was more expensive, needed four AA batteries, and you'd still need to buy games for it. Tiger was like the poverty version. For a lot of us, it was either this, or nothing; and nobody minded. These things brainwashed us!

They had colorful artwork that looked way better than the shit that came on inside the screen. It somehow gave you the impression that you were holding an arcade machine in your hands. The commercials made them look awesome; but really, they were garbage. These games were so mass-produced, it was like a swarm of mosquitos sucking our blood; and we all got bit! The most shameless part of it is that these games tried to be more than what they were. With this kind of technology, they could have stuck to solitaire or video poker. But no, they took it all the way and adapted action-adventure games. They took Konami games, Capcom games, Sega games like Altered Beast, Shinobi, and Sonic The Hedgehog -- any video game franchise ended up butchered on one of these things. Any licensed product -- movies, TV shows, this Tiger got its claws on everything.

When you adapt a well-known game, everybody knows what the real game is supposed to be like. You have something to compare it to; the difference is night and day! But hey! The idea of playing Mega Man 2 on the go? Why not? 

[The Nerd plays Mega Man 2, the Tiger version, and realizes that Mega Man is using a gun.]

Mega Man using a gun instead of his arm cannon? Sure! I guess somebody just looked at the atrocious cover to the original Mega Man and thought, "Okay, he's got a gun. Put it in the game!" And how about running out of ammo?

[Mega Man runs out of ammo.]

Have you ever wanted to play a Mega Man game where you can run outta ammo? Well, this is it.

Street Fighter II.

[The Nerd playing Street Fighter II.]

Really? First, you have the arcade, then you have the home console versions, then you have the Game Boy version, and then at the very bottom, you have the Tiger version. The only thing less than that will be using your imagination. Or playing the board game, but even that was better.

How about the TV shows like Dinosaurs? Listen to that awful music.

[Nerd playing the Dinosaurs Tiger game.]

You'd rather listen to the "I'M THE BABY! GOTTA LOVE ME!" Remember that shit?

How about Full House? That's right, FULL HOUSE, the Tiger game! You play as Michelle, I think, going around, slapping high-fives, while fighting against inanimate objects. Apparently, everything in the Tanner household came alive and is trying to kill you. Personally, I prefer the Super Nintendo version of Full House: Tournament Fighter.

For games that are so basic, you'd think they'd be easy to pick up and play. But many of them, I can't even figure out what you're supposed to do. I just mash buttons and wait for something to happen. A game this simple should not need an instruction manual. Some of them, I wonder if they're defective. In the Bowling game, I haven't even been able to hit one pin! The ball goes straight for the pins, then it disappears!

[The Nerd throws the ball and the ball disappears.]

What is happening!?

The controls, a lot of times, are counterintuitive. Anybody who's played a videogame knows that the d-pad controls your movement and the buttons perform actions. With Tiger games, anything goes! In Castlevania II, the whip is Up or Down on the d-pad; while the buttons on the right are jump up, jump right, and the sword, which is actually a throwing dagger by the way. Chip 'N Dale's Rescue Rangers had Jump and Pick on the left; and on the right, to move, it's just one big button that says Forward. Every one of these games had some kinda quirky control when they should have just emulated what's on an NES controller. Half of these games, the controls barely work at all because they're so fragile and don't age well. Another thing I hate about them is that they're hard to record. It's almost impossible to see the objects on the screen without careful lighting, and the glare makes it even worse. So there's nothing good about these games.

In 1989, the Nintendo Game Boy hit the scene. It revolutionalized portable gaming. Yeah, the games were black and white, there's no backlight, and the screen was still hard to see. But the games were like real games. It was closer to having a mobile NES. You'd think this would be the Tiger-killer. But no! Other game companies like Konami released a lot of their own games on handheld devices like this. But most of them died out when Game Boy became popular. Tiger, on the other hand, continued well into the nineties. In fact, I remember these things being more common in the nineties than ever. They were pouring obsolete games into stores and we were still buying them! They wouldn't die off! They were like cockroaches! By giving people a cheap alternative, they managed to coexist with the Game Boy. Yeah, this Tiger sure rose up to the challenge of its rivals, had the guts, got the glory, went the distance, now it's not gonna stop! It's literally a survivor!

There's a difference between something that's old school and something that's outdated. Old school is like the Atari 2600. The games are primitive, but they're still fun to play. You can always go back to them. Outdated is something you never want to go back to. Tiger games are so outdated, they were never in-dated! They were a fad! Like POGs! If they were an experiment in the seventies and they only made a few of 'em, then I could accept that. But no! They milked these things for all that they're worth! You thought LJN was the grand champion, the almighty shitty game factory? Tiger put LJN to shame! Yeah, LJN laid down turd after turd after turd, but Tiger was like a machine gunass, shitting out turturturturturturturtu-t-turd! These are the worst games I've ever had the honor of playing - if you even count them as video games! People have discussions like "are video games art?" or something like that. Well I have a better one: "Are Tiger games video games?" These are a caveman's version of video games! These were a step back in human evolution! These are the most desperate attempt at entertainment! You could save up for a Game Boy. Or just go [imitating the Tiger handheld sounds] eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. Yeah, well, [while simulating hand jerking and alternatively flashing the middle finger] eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. J-Just, what the hell - T-These things, how'd they waste so much plastic to make these things?! It brought the game industry down as low as it could go! It's proof that Jesus died in vain and legally changed His middle name to "Fucking"! The only thing I could think of to use these things for is to wipe your ass with it! You might as well save that toilet paper! It's worth a whole lot more! [drinks Rolling Rock]

But I'm not done, am I? Oh no. I've actually gotten to this point. It's time to talk about... the Wrist Games. [Nerd is holding the Tiger Wrist Game while covering his nose like he's holding a shit.] Ugh!

[Nerd's playing the Double Dragon wrist game. It looks so terrible that the Nerd gets even more frustated.]

What. The. Ass. Talk about desperate... I've had more fun setting the time on a digital watch... this is shits for the birds.

Now check this out. Batman Returns, the wrist game. Oh boy... [The Nerd tries to open it] Wait, I can't get it open. Good! God, I hate this shit! You know... you know what's bullshit?

[The Bullshit Man appears]

Bullshit Man: YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUUUUUULLSHIT??? [gives the Nerd scissors] Packaging that you need scissors to open. Even with the scissors, it's still a pain in the ass! Why is this plastic so fucking strong?? This stuff is bulletproof! Nobody wants this shit, so why do they do it? They use it on everything! This kind of packaging should be outlawed! Why does it still exist? I especially love when you buy scissors and you need scissors to open the scissors. What fuckin' idiots think this is a good idea?? They don't care! By the time you're having this problem, you already bought it. Packaging like this is bullshit!

[The Bullshit Man leaves]

Thanks, Bullshit Man! [looks at the Tiger wrist game and sighs]

[The Nerd is playing Batman Returns on the wrist game.]

Wow, look at how badass this game is! Yeah, this is the hot shit right here! You'd be so cool going around wearing this thing. Yeah, you'd be walking around school, and you got this on and everybody else is talking about what the new hot game system is gonna be? Heh, Nintendo 64? The bit wars. Heh... 64 bits... 32 bits... 16 bits. 8 bits. 4 Bits! 2 BITS! 1 BIT! HALF BIT!! QUARTER BIT!!! THEEEE WRIIIIST GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!!!!!

And you thought that was it for Tiger, huh? Handheld games, wrist games, Tiger Pokemon Walkie Talkies!? Yeah! That's not enough? Well, how about... a WHOLE... FUCKING.... TIGER..... GAME CONSOLE???

In 1997, this was Tiger's belated answer to the Game Boy. You'd think it was called the "Game Dot Com", but it's actually the "Game Com". [Game.com bootup voice: GAME.COM ACTIVE.] This thing tried to be hip and cutting edge. It had a stylus pen, making it the first touch-screen game console; and PDA features like a phonebook, a calendar, a calculator, and a built-in solitaire game. You could even connect a dial-up modem into it to access the internet, text-only.

I don't believe it myself. Imagine reading your e-mail on this thing. And you'd have to hook it up to a modem so you couldn't leave your house anyway... WHY NOT JUST USE A COMPUTER!?

It was supported by cartridge games. The game included with the system was a mediocre puzzle game called Lights Out where the object is to turn out all the lights. Beyond that, it was a bunch of shitty ports like Mortal Kombat Trilogy. I don't see Scorpion or Sub-Zero. Trust me, they're not there. There's Rain and Reptile. How could you have a Mortal Kombat game without Scorpion or Sub-Zero?? And who'd want to play this on a crappy black and white portable console anyway? Then there's Duke Nukem. At least the voice sounds pretty good. [Duke Nukem: Damn... that's the second time those alien bastards shot up my ride.] Then there's a Batman and Robin game. Every time Batman gets hit, it sounds like he just got done taking a big dump! [batman: Uah! Uah! Uah!] Then there's The Lost World: Jurassic Park. Isn't it always fun to dodge things that come from behind? Then there'sResident Evil 2. The same thing happened to me when I tried to play the real Resident Evil 2. You get about 3 seconds to figure out the control and a zombie latches itself on to you and kills you. [He gets killed] Great! Why'd they have to start you right next to the zombie?? Can't I get a chance? Turning yourself around is like waiting for a minute hand on a clock! [Dies again] Ahh! [He presses random buttons, and finally kills the zombie] Finally, I got him!

So, that's the Game.com. Needless to say, it flopped. Especially with Nintendo dominating the portable gaming market. So hey, why not just follow whatever Nintendo's doing? That mentality is what brought us, what I think, so far, is the worst video game console I have ever played..... The R-Zone.

This is basically a shitty version of the Virtual Boy. Yes, I said that. As if the Virtual Boy isn't already shitty enough! Just look at it! What planet did this thing come from? Here's how it works. You take the game cartridge, you slide it into the system, then the screen lights up. Then, you strap the thing on your head - and that's one thing that I have to give it credit for: that they actually thought to have a head strap! Anyway, the image gets projected right here - there's supposed to be a piece of reflective plastic. It's missing, but you could use almost anything - so you put it there, and then, it projects the game... right there! And keep in mind, this is portable, so you'd be going around in public like "Hey guys! How ya doing? I'm just playing a game here!" Just when you thought the most sorry, pathetic excuse for a video game was the Tiger wrist games, oh no. Imagine playing one of these..... up close to your eye, in red and black!

[Nerd's playing Batman on R-Zone.]

Good lord!! You thought I was kidding, But it's true. This actually happened. Unlike the Virtual Boy, which causes eye strain and headaches within minutes, this thing does it immediately. Having it over one eye meant having to go cross-eyed to look at it, or cover the other eye. By the way, the game itself sucks just as much as the other Tiger games. Thought you could turn around? Yeah right!

I love how the advertisements always show a kid playing it. Look at his expression! He's horrified! And in the commercial, the kid's screaming in agony! [R-Zone commercial: You better not *BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH!!!!!* Indy 500 roars into the R-Zone!]

Was this thing intended as a torture device?? What made them think this was a good idea?? They did it because Nintendo did it. It couldn't have been a coincidence. Both systems came out in '95. Tiger saw what Nintendo was doing and thought, "That's the new hot ticket! See, red and black video games that you play close to your eye!" If it was blue and black, I'm sure it would've been the same thing. The original idea of the Virtual Boy, so I thought, was to emulate virtual reality, to make you feel like you're really there. Well, the R-Zone got as far away from that idea as possible! It's so far removed from common sense that it's baffling. What were they thinking with this shitload of fuck? I know what I'm thinking: I might carve a giraffe out of wood and decorate it with Christmas lights so I can put it up in an albatross nest. Did you expect me to say that? Probably not. Neither would you expect this crazy idea of a video game! Case closed! It sucks.

 

 

AVGN!

[Floris 287]

I'm back.

 

Also, copy pasting doesn't count.. You are disqualified.

[Crapplejack 136]

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down

[Guest]

never gonna run around and desert you

[Toon Richard 534]

(The Nerd takes out a cartridge that looks like a piece of bread from the Nintoaster, throws it away, and puts in Punch-Out and plays it.)

It's a Nintoaster. And yes, it works.

(AVGN Theme starts)

Are you ready for some action? Some Action 52? I suppose so, because I get requests for this game... all the time. Like this one right here: Action 52: "Fuck this game, please do a review of it. You asshole. Thanks." Wow! I guess I got to do it now. Let's start with the cartridge. It's the freak misfit of the NES library. Games came in gray, black, blue, silver, gold. But clear?! You can tell just by looking at it; this is a game that's so bad, it has nothing to hide. Another thing, if you play for more than an hour, not that you'd want to, it gets really hot and smells like burning plastic. It's not because of the toaster. The same thing happens if you play it in the Toploader. Not only is this game crap, but it's crap that comes with a price. $199.00! That's a lot of money! But, there's 52 games. (Nerd takes out his calculator out of his shirt pocket and starts doing calculations) So let me calculate this: $199 divided by 52 equals...(calculator shows 3.826923) Uh... well, you got to pay tax too, so let's just say four dollars a game. Wow! What a deal! 52 action packed games bundled in to one cartridge?! All for an efficient price?! It was every kid's dream. MORE GAMES! MORE GAMES! YEAH!

(Game starts up)

Lights! ... Camera! ... Action 52! Awww-hawwww! Where did they get the music?

(scene shows an album from Rob Base & D.J. E-Z Rock: It Takes Two) (music also plays from that album while the Action 52 intro theme is playing)

Okay... um, the significance? It Takes Two... Action 52? (shrugs)

(both music stops)

(Game: Make your selection now!)

Well, let's get this thing started. We're gonna have ourselves a little marathon here and determine if the $199 was worth it.

(Keep in mind, some glitches The Nerd encountered, in this episode, on his cartridge, can be problems with his individual copy of the cartridge, being because they poorly designed each cartridge of Action 52, and Cheetahmen 2.)

1. Firebreather / Fire Breathers

Game Number One: Firebreather. Okay... well, it's pretty self-explanatory. And would you know this is the only game on the entire cartridge that's two players only?! Gee, which game should we start with? Well, how about the only game you can't play alone? Well, that's four dollars wasted already.

2. Starevil / Star Evil

Number 2: Star Evil. (The Nerd starts the game and the plane, in which he is controlling, starts by crashing into the wall, and in which makes the Nerd surprised) Who's gonna dodge that?! Nobody! Not the first time. You have to know: "Oh, this is gonna be a vertical 2D shooter and there's gonna be an obstacle immediately at the start of the game." Well, that's one way to get you on your toes. Other than that, it's real easy. As long as you keep firing, none of the enemies come anywhere near you. I guess that makes sense. If I was an intergalatic vacuum cleaner getting shot at, I'd be like, "Oh, fuckin' hell! There's a menorah shooting Q-Tips! Get out of the way!" Not even the first level boss wants to be involved. Sometimes it doesn't show up at all, and you're stuck in a dead end. What happened?! Did the game give up?! Ugh! That's another four dollars. Next!

3. Illuminator

Number 3: Illuminator. You're not even allowed to see in this game?! Real fun idea. For a room that has about a thousand light bulbs, it sure goes dark a lot. And they're just decoration. Thought you could light a room with a light?! No, you got to kill vampires. But, after you've killed one, you only get one second before the room goes dark again! Who wants to play a game that's pitch black?! It's so black I could see my reflection in the screen! The question is: How much more black could this be? And the answer is... none. And no, you can't go any higher. This is it. Great fucking game!

4. G-Force Fgt. / G-Force (G-Force Fighter)

Number 4: G-Force F--... what?! Or just G-Force! It's another 2D shooter. You know what? This would be okay... for Atari 2600. The only two controls are move and shoot. This game was made in 1991, the same year Super NES came out. Not to mention, if you want to play a good 2D side-scroller game on the NES, try fucking Life Force. And what is this anyway? An inside-out dolphin shooting at roadkill toads?! I don't know. I'm just using my imagination. That's all you have when you play this miserable pile of goat shit!

5. Ooze

Number 5: Ooze. (sarcasm) Oh...wow! A title screen! Really?! Oh my god! It's... it's... (Shit Pickle Shit Pickle) WOAH HOH!!! (Shit Pickle Shit Pickle Shit Pickle) WOAH!!! (Shit Pickle) OH!! (Shit Pickle) Uh... (Shit...pickle Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-shit) Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. (Shit Pickle) Alllllrighty then! Okay well, this is the first game that uses the B button....FOR JUMPING!! Any gamer who grew up with Super Mario Bros. expects A to jump. (which B, for jumping, is usually found in many bootleg games) But, that's the least of our worries. To jump over a hole, you have to tap the B button, and then press over. If you're holding the B button like you normally would, it locks you vertically until you let go. It's an anomaly of game programming. You know what's really weird? Whenever you restart the menu, it always starts at Ooze. Is that the programmers' personal recommendation? Well, so far, every one of these games is abome! But out of 52, I'm sure that eventually we'll find one that's decent. (drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock) (has a worried expression) I hope.

6. Silver Sword

Number 6: Silver Sword. Well, green, green, and more green. What is this? A cabbage patch on a golf course... infested with killer scrotums? This is a disgrace to the NES! The same platform that brought us games like, The Legend of Zelda. Silver Sword. The sword isn't even silver! Maybe it's corroded.

7. Critical BP. / Crytical Bypass (Critical Bypass)

Number 7: Critical BP. Or Critical Bypass. Oh, now it's spelled with a Y? ... Ugh, that's dreadful. It's like an optical illusion! Well, that's pretty bad when the game causes eye strain and you can't even fucking look at it! What is this anyway? A pogo ball on a segway shooting at birthday presents? Augh, Critical Bypass! It's critical that youbypass this game!

8. Jupitr Scope / Jupiter Scope

Number 8: Jupiter Scope. Nice. Another space shooter. This time you're a dead whale shooting at flaming condoms. That's what it looks like! The screen never moves. It's like Space Invaders, except without many invaders. Half of the time, you're just sitting around waiting! Come on! Give me something to shoot at! Losing at this game is impossible. Just hold down the fire button and move back and forth. Okay. What's next?

9. Alfredo / Alfred N The Fettuc (Alfred and the Fettuccine)

Number 9: Alfredo. Or Alfred N The Fettuc. Yeah, fettuc! You never heard of fettuc? (Expecting a game, only to be greeted with a black screen, being because his copy, somehow, caused this game, not to work right, and so, it crashes.) What happened? Where's the fucking game? (The Nerd gets up and resets the game; as he starts Game 9 again, there is no luck) (crickets chirping) Well, there's no game here! What happened?! Did the programmers pass out or did they just figure nobody would check all 52 games? Well, that's four dollars wasted. But I guess I can't say I'm really too excited over playing a game called Alfredo, also known as Alfred N The Fettuc.

10. Operat. Moon / Operation Full Moon

Number 10: Operation Full Moon. Now, that's puke green if I ever saw it. The nauseating hue combined with a texture of vomit makes me think that this game ate Silver Sword and barfed it out.

11. Dam Busters

Number 11: Dam Busters. Those damn (dam) busters. Well, it should've been called "Alien Beaver Tomato Fight". That's all it is! You're a beaver shooting tomatoes and navigating through a maze. Oops, dead end. What... The... Shit?! You can't go back?! I'm trapped?! You're shitting me!! ... This game... is shitting me! (scene shows Action 52 cartridge for the NES literally shitting out a cut-out picture of The Nerd)

12. Thrusters

Number 12: Thrusters. Another space shooter! Well, it's the same game as before, just different graphics. Where do they come up with these objects? I'm running out of imagination here. I can't decide for anything-- especially when the game starts having a FUCKING SEIZURE!! (The game starts glitching up.)

13. Haunted Hill / Haunted Halls (Haunted Halls of Wentworth)

Number 13: Haunted Hill. Wow! A human being! I can't believe it actually looks like something. Man, her boobs are bigger than her head. It's a shitty side-scroller with the same bad controls as Ooze. Sadly, it's the best game so far. Out of the way, you fucking ghosts, here comes Mrs. Tits, jumping like she's on the moon! Die, you onion face balloon floating... uh... thing! I died?! By touching the AIR?!!

14. Chill Out

Number 14: Chill Out. I wish I could chill out! This is horrendous! This one's basically an eskimo snowball massacre. Climb down shits and ladders and throw snowballs. What this?! I died in mid-air?! That seems to be a theme we're running into here. This game... doesn't even care that it sucks!

Gee! How much money did we waste so far? Like, 56 dollars, I think? That's already exceeded the average price of a Nintendo game.

15. Sharks

Number 15: Sharks. Yeah. Sharks. Sometimes sharks. Most of the time not. Well, you're stuck on this one screen, but you sure have full rein. You can even swim through the ocean floor! And that's all it is. Just hope for sharks to come and... shoot 'em.

16. Megalonia

Number 16: Megalonia. ANOTHER SPACE SHOOTER?! Flying through McDonalds arches?! No thanks!

17. French Baker

Number 17: French Baker. Oh, man! You're a chef and the kitchen is really getting out of hand. Everything's trying to kill you: hoagies, envelopes, and doughnuts (The Nerd pronounced it Dog Nuts). And what do you do? Hit 'em with your rolling pin and... don't drop down. You'll disintegrate. That's always nice.

18. Atmos Quake

Number 18: Atmos Quake. Augh! ANOTHER SPACE SHOOTER?! I pass!

(Sigh) I'm only up to Number 19? Geez...fuck!

(Next list)

19. Meong

Number 19: Meong. (beep beep beep BOOM! The nerd has no idea what to do in the game and became surprised when the A52 symbol he controls exploded) What the fuck-ka?!??! (replay) (beep beep beep beep boom!) Okay, get this. You move from square to square hoping that the next square won't make you explode! So, it's like a memory game that can only be done with trial and error. Good lord.

20. Space Dreams

Number 20: Space Dreams. Oh my! What's this gonna be? Why, of course! Another space shooter! This time, you're a pacifier shooting at weird dolls, rabbits, and safety pins. Safety pins as enemies in a video game... where do they come up with this stuff?

Action 52 Designer (played by James Rolfe): Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up. (he sees a safety pin that was lying on his table and picks it up) Ahh! Safety pin! That'll be perfect! (he puts the safety pin down and types in the computer) Next game. [  ]

21. Streemerz

Number 21: Streemerz. You're a clown climbing up platforms like Spider-Man. Ooh, a rabbit in a hat. What does that do?... Nothing at all. A bag of money? It turns into a green frowning face? Is that supposed to teach you a lesson that taking money is greedy? No, I think I'm reading way too deep into it. Oh, then the game crashes. Good!

22. Spread Fire

Number 22: Spread Fire. What is this? They should've called this "Shooter Games 52"! This time, you're a lobster. You don't go anywhere and half the time, there's nothing to shoot at. These kind of games must have been the easiest to design. Make a black background, cover it in dots, and call it space. You know what? It's getting old!

23. Bublgum Rosy / Bubble Gum Rossie (Bubble Gum Rosie)

Number 23: Bubble Gum Rosy. Or Bubble Gum Rossie. (sarcasm) Yay! I've always wanted to play a game where I'm a little girl shooting bubbles! Wait a minute! You can't even kill people?! Well, what do you expect? They're bubbles. You can jump on the enemies. Or wait... can you? And falling in spikes... doesn't hurt you. This game... has no rules.

24. Micro Mike / Micro-Mike

Number 24: Micro Mike. Wow! Look out, Micro-Mike! You're going too fast! Even if you have the quickest reflexes, you'll never be able to avoid the walls or other random objects that stand in your way. If only Micro-Mike would slow the fuck down!

25. Underground

Number 25: Underground. Well, at least it looks like underground. Wait a minute, this guy can fall down 50 feet and survive, but if he touches the mushroom, he spins around like a bowling pin and dies?! ... (ends up with an obstacle of enemies, that would be impossible to avoid) And what am I supposed to do here? What do I do?!

(the Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock) Wow! 25 shitty games...and still going. This is an endurance, man. I've never played such a huge compilation of crap in my life. Was the whole idea to make so many shitty games that there'd be no more shitty games left to make?!! Out of all these, there's got to be at least one that's... tolerable.

26. Rocket Jock / Rocket Jockey

Number 26: Rocket Jock. Or Rocket Jockey. (sigh) You're a cowboy on a rocket with a lasso. If you actually use the lasso, that would be kind of cool. But I guess they figured they didn't have enough games that SHOOT. Yeah, kill those cows. Turn them into uh... a bowl of cereal with a puppy dog. (it's actually a cow upside down, bleeding)

27. Non Human

Number 27: Non Human. Well, isn't that an appropriate title? Everything about these games are non-human. Except for that very human like face. Or are they aliens? Or what are these for? Other than the faces just being the area where you die, which takes up half the screen. (sarcasm) Augh, you know you're playing a great game when you can't even jump over a hole. Augh, you can try all day, but you'll always fall down into the purple dimension of green faces.

28. Cry Baby

Number 28: Cry Baby. By now, you'd be crying. So it's like the game is mocking you. Okay, what's wrong with this picture? Baby? Adult? Baby?! Adult?! And what about him, huh? What the hell is going on here? Why does the floor look like ice cube trays? What are you attacking with? Why do you die when you fall off the furniture? Why?! What?! Why?!

29. Slashers

Number 29: Slashers. Uh...Slashers? I thought it would be like a horror game. Instead, it's a poor man's version of Double Dragon. Saying that is being extremely generous. It makes Bad Dudes look like a masterpiece. At least the backgrounds change. What are these? Beer steins? You're not even allowed to walk past anybody! When an enemy appears, you stop dead in your tracks and you can't move until you have a punching match to the death. There's zero strategy! You just mash buttons. And what are these? Hookers? I guess this guy doesn't understand the concept of a hooker. You're supposed to fuck her, not fuck her up. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Die, boob lady! Ugh!

30. Crazy Shufle / Crazy Shuffle

Number 30: Crazy Shuffle. Could the characters be any smaller? You're a tiny, indescribable object shooting tiny dots at other tiny objects. Sounds like fun? Well, guess what? It isn't.

31. Fuzz Power

Number 31: Fuzz Power. Well, fuzz is right. You're some guy with a big nose, big feet, and lots of fuzz. You roll around fighting blow dryers and hair combs. What's that? Popcorn? Oh no! I'm getting hit! I'm losing my fuzz! Now I'm... naked! Yeah. Whoever came up with this is an asshole!

(screen shows the nerd on TV. below the TV is a caption reading TV Version) Whoever came up with this is an ass(bleep)! Ass!... Hole? Ass(bleep)! Television makes a lot of sense.

32. Shooting Gal / Shooting Gallery

Number 32: Shooting Gallery. The easiest shooting game ever! The targets never disappear until you hit them, there's no time limit, you never run out of ammo, and you can't die. Which means the game will never end. Fortunately, you can go back to the menu by pausing the game and hitting Select. (black screen) Augh! Except for this game! The one fucking game that doesn't end crashes when you try to quit! Reset. (Yet again, being because of his cartridge.)

33. Lollipops / Lollipop

Number 33: Lollipop. Are you kidding me? Why not a sword or a machine gun?! Who wants a fucking lollipop?! How do you climb up a ladder?! Wanna take a guess?! Pushing Up on the D-Pad?! No, you jump! Who the hell jumps up a ladder?! And you know what? The controls in all these games are so bad, I've forgotten that B is jump and A is attack. I've been playing for so long, I've sort of adapted to its crap factor. I swear, next time I play a regular platformer, I'm gonna try jumping with B.

34. Evil Empire

Number 34: Evil Empire. Augh! Game sprites so small you need a magnifying glass?! That seems to be a theme here too. Look at that! There's some crazy shit going on over there! I wanna join the party! Oops! Dying in mid-air. I can understand dying because you're jumping from too high, but can't they at least make you die when you hit the ground?!

35. Sombreros

Number 35: Sombreros. Well, I guess you're wearing a sombrero, shooting at vacuum cleaners on the street. Not much to say.

I've lost all hope. Fifty-two games. They all probably suck. I can think of some pretty bad games. Like, Little Red Hood. That's a horrible game, but at least it's ONE horrible game, not FIFTY-TWO. You know what's more fun than playing Action 52? (the nerd picks up his deck of poker cards) 52 Card Pickup. You know how you play that? (the nerd scatters the cards into the ground). PICK UP THE CARDS.

36. Storm Over D / Storm Over the Des. (Storm Over The Desert)

Number 36: Storm Over the Desert. Ooh! Another title screen. So, you're an army tank shooting at other army tanks which happen to be pink. Also, there's no way to die. Anything you touch will explode. Those pink tanks are fucking pussies! What the hell?! A giant Saddam Hussein?! How did they fuck up the scale this bad?! The soldiers aren't giant, so why Saddam? Now I'm getting tired of this. Can someone at least try to kill me? Hey, you! You! Get over here! Mmmmmmmmgh! Pause and Select, get me out of here.

Well, at least we're in the home stretch. The third and final menu screen. Another thing that gets incredibly annoying: whenever you die or reset, you have to go back to the first menu every single time. So, it's hard to keep track where you left off.

37. Mash Man

Number 37: Mash Man. Well, Mash Man looks like Fuzz Power with clothes on. Jumping on eyeballs in front of Legoland. Ugh. Next game.

38. They Came / They Came...

Number 38: They Came. They came... from where? From space?! Noooo, that can't be. Ugh. Next.

39. Lazer League

Number 39: Lazer League. Well, I'm glad they spelled laser with a Z. Because, that's how you say it. You don't say "laser (pronounced lacer)". By the way, horizontal 2D space shooter. Next.

40. Billy Bob

Number 40: Billy Bob. This is different. It's like Indiana Jones, except it's Billy Bob. I'm kind of stunned that this game has some fluent animation here. Of course! I should've learned. In Action 52, you cannot jump down! You will hit the air so hard you will die! You can't jump to the ledge either! That doesn't work! And if you stand there too long, you die! So, how do you get over? I don't know. Second screen of the game, and it's a dead end.

41. City of Doom

Number 41: City of Doom. You're climbing the tallest building in the world, while the tenants throw bowling balls at you. That's it. It goes on...and on...and on. Man, how tall is this building?! It must lead into outer space-- oh no. Please, please, not space.

42. Bits N Piece / Bits and Pieces

Number 42: Bits and Pieces. Ooh. A monster game. You're a guy in a cemetery jumping over monsters. That's it. You jump...and jump...and jump. You know what would be nice? An attack?! Or, how about a health bar?! How about anything like a NORMAL FUCKING GAME?!! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!!!

43. Beeps N Blip / Beeps and Blips

Number 43: Beeps and Blips. You're a shape shooting at other shapes. What are these? Reject sprites from other video games thrown together?

44. Manchester (Manchester Beat)

Number 44: Manchester. A guy jumping on music boxes punching in the air. I don't get it.

45. Boss (The Boss)

Number 45: Boss. Who would think Boss means a frog running around with a gun getting ambushed by falling bombs?! That's what they should've called it: "Bombs"! There's no way to avoid them! If you go too early, the bomb gets you. If you go too late, the next one gets you.

46. Dedant

Number 46: Dedant. You're an ant trying to make other ants "Dedants". Like the Pink Panther. (The Nerd singing the Pink Panther Theme: Dedant. Dedant. Dedant, dedant, dedant, dedant.) But, if the ants make it to the bottom of the screen, you're fucked. Because you can only move left and right. What makes this ant different from the rest? Oh, it's pink. And anything pink in this game sucks.

47. Hambo / Hambos Adventures

Number 47: Hambo. A pig version of Rambo? No, that would've been too clever. It's just a guy jumping over 8-balls and shit. Or trying to jump over. This is fucking horseshit! How did they fuck up the jumping controls so bad?! Have the programmers ever played another video game?! Moving on.

48. Timewarp / Time Warp Tickers

Number 48: Time Warp Tickers. (the Nerd was shocked when he sees the game) You're a pair of fingers in checkerboard land with upside down doors. What kind of drugs were they on? Was this game even made by a human being? "Time?"? When you kill things, it says "Time?"? What does that mean? Time to play another fucking game?!

49. Jigsaw

Number 49: Jigsaw. (a black screen just like Alfredo) It crashed.

(sighs) (...) (with excitement) Oh, thank god! Next game.

50. Ninja Asault / Ninja Assault

Number 50: Ninja Assault. Another beat 'em up, if you even call it that. No strategy. You just mash buttons. (Immitating the attack cry from the game: Hah!) Hough! (Hah!) Hough! (Hah!) Hough!

51. Robbie Robot / Robbie the Robot (Robbie And The Robots)

Number 51: Robbie the Robot. More like "Robbie the Sunglass Wearing Bart Simpson Look-Alike in a Blue Dress". Guess how this game works? You move to the right and shoot. That's all. Nothing can stop you. You could literally play this game with your eyes closed...until the second level when there's holes. Now you're screwed.

(Nerd gets frustrated and throws down NES controller) I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SOLD THIS SHIT FEST FOR $199.00!!! That's about how much it costs for a video game console. Pretty much. You could take $199.00, stand on a bridge, and just throw it all away! You'd rather do anything then spend it on a broken down, disfuctional disaster of video game programming! With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in mid-air, problems with proportion, misleading titles, misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuckton of other things! It should've been ILLEGAL for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price! I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Could they have tried making one good game? As opposed to 52 horrible games?! Quality over quantity. That's our lesson here. (The Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock) Well, there's one game left. So it has one last chance to redeem itself. Could this be the one that all the effort went into? Could there be a cherry on top of this shit sundae? We can only hope.

Last episode, we looked at the masterpiece of shit that is Action 52. Now, we're looking at the last game.

52. Cheetah Men / Action Gamemaster

Number 52: Cheetah Men. This is like the feature presentation. There's a comic book that came with the game, and plans for a whole line of Cheetah Men action figures and merchandise. They must've spent all their focus on this one game. So this one's gotta be good. Right? (The Nerd controls Aries, the Cheetahman with two wooden clubs). The Cheetah Man walks to the pond and explodes into 4 glowing orbs and thus frustrates the Nerd.) IT SUCKS MONKEY BUTTS LIKE ALL THE FUCKING REST!!! (The Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock and calms down) Okay...let's go. Well, it's not AS bad as the other games. For one thing, it actually has a story: "The Action Gamemaster was at home playing his video game. When suddenly... an arm reached out of the TV and pulled him inside...." Yo, watch the gonads. "When he looked up, he saw three gigantic yellow bodies. It was the Cheetahmen...." Oh, really? "He began to explain.... The Cheetahmen told of the enemies here in the game world. Dont worry we will fight for you... The Cheetahmen ran off.... and now.... The Cheetahmen." What kind of story is that?! The Cheetahmen are fighting for some gamer that got sucked in to the TV? Whom we never refer to again?! What's this? A crotch burglar? Yeah, burglars your crotch. Oh yeah! The enemies in this game are so inspired. They even resort to recycling characters from other Action 52 games like Boob Lady and Saddam Hussein. Dude, think about it. A giant cheetah jumping over Saddam Hussein. Whoa! I'd never thought I'd see that. That's weird. Whenever you hit somebody, the music pauses for a brief moment. As far as the gameplay goes, there's not a whole lot to say. You just move right and kill everything in sight. What the hell! I can't go up?! I can't go right either?! Oh, you got to go right before you can go up! That makes a whole lot of sense, just because the screen didn't move all the way. Now, what's this? I can't walk past the hole? Even though I'm as high up as the game will allow. If you can only pass the hole from below, why is there such a big space up there?!! Not to mention, why couldn't the cheetah fall down the hole instead of exploding into four glowing orbs? Oh, and guess how the level ends? (Aries moves to the right and the game goes to a screen that says Level 2). Like that. It just stops. What more do you expect? Welcome to the most awesome glitch of all. I'm jumping perpetually in mid-air. Yeah, I could do this all day. That's no problem. Oh, what the fuck! I went through the top of the screen and came out the bottom and died?! You might say it's my fault for cheating, but come on, when I fall down, I don't drop through the ceiling and live. Besides, there's more enemies in the air than on the ground, so, I don't recommend it. In Level 3, you're a different Cheetahman. This is where the game starts to get hard. First of all, to die, all it takes is a few hits. Then, because this big tub of fuck is such a large target, you can't duck either. So there's not much you can do to avoid all these projectiles. The jumping glitch only gets you so far. (dies) Fuck. (dies again) Fuck! (dies another time) UNNGH!! (falls into a hole) Oh no! (ends up at Level 9, the warp level in the game) Wait a minute! (the Nerd becomes shocked when the cheetah fell down the hole and found a 1-up) A 1-up? And it skips me to the next level? Aww, kick fucking ass! () Life is kinda cool sometimes. But here's the weird part: the next level is supposed to be four, but it's called three. So, there's two level threes? It begins with this bizarre flashing disco strobe with Tetris blocks. What's that all about?! And what's this?! A health bar?! I have a health bar all of a sudden?! Well, that's convenient. I don't know why it's not in the other levels. And now the jumping glitch doesn't work anymore?! The rules of jumping change from level to level? The major reason why it's so difficult is because you outrun the screen. So you're always taking damage from enemies that you can't see until it's too late. I mean look how far to the right I am. (Hercules, the cheetah that uses raw strength, takes damage) Aw, shit. You got to jiggle back and forth just to get the screen oriented properly. Rhino Man here or Rocksteady, whoever the fuck he is, he kills you in one hit. Doesn't matter how much health you have, he runs right in, and you're dead. The only way to beat him is to very slowly inch your way up and as soon as he appears, you run all the way to the left. If you're just a hair too late, you're dead. Then you have to make very subtle taps with the D-Pad to get yourself facing right and one tiny step forward just enough so he can't touch you. It's like the only way to beat this game is to cheat! I guess that's why it's called Cheetahmen (Cheat-a-men). Now we're up to Level 4, which is actually 5. This time, you get a cheetah that shoots arrows with a crossbow. You think that would make it easier? But, no! The arrows never hit anything! They're too small, and you can only shoot one at a time! It doesn't matter how careful you are. The enemies will always sneak in a hit before you can kill them. By the way, the health bar is gone again, but the formula is the same. Three or four hits and you're dead. And I die on the first three or four enemies! (Appolo, the cheetah with a crossbow, dies, dies, dies, dies, and dies)

Wow! The fucknuggets who made this game thought they're gonna make action figures and it's gonna be the next best thing to 'Ninja Turtles?! Well, that's the end of Action 52. But... they made... a Cheetahmen... sequel. Oh yeah! You know how with the bad game, sometimes you wonder, how could it have even made it into stores? Well, this is a case, in which the horror was so unspeakable... the game... was never released.

The cartridges were taken to a warehouse where they remained for years to come. It was never meant to be played. Then, in the late 90s, a massive break-in took place. The cartridges were discovered and became valuable collector's items.

That's a true story. Except that the real story was probably a little less dramatic than that. Only fifteen hundred of these games are known to exist and they command outrageous prices on eBay. I don't know if I should consider myself lucky or...not, but...here it is. (the Nerd reveals the game cartridge in his hand) The unholy grail of gaming. Would you believe that this game is so bad it doesn't even get its own cartridge? They recycled the same plastic casing from Action 52, and put a Cheetahmen II sticker on the back. Let's pop this golden turd in and give it a go.

The plot involves a Dr. Morbis, who creates an ape man to fight the Cheetahmen. At least it explains who the villains are this time, and no mention of the stupid Gamemaster. The gameplay and graphics are similar to the first Cheetahmen, and it reuses the same music. Geez, at least try to do something different. If they made Cheetahmen versus Chester Cheetah, that shit would be the motherfucking ass! The only thing original about this game is that you shoot tornadoes with a crossbow. Yeah, next time there's a tornado ripping through town, just shoot an arrow at it. At least there's a health meter this time. But how many hit points do I have? A half, and two and a half? The glitches are out of control: blocks randomly change color, there's a stone nugget that keeps appearing out of nowhere, and what is that? (The Nerd refers to some 'hidden block' {out of SMB}, that gives you coin, on top of Appolo, when Appolo jumps.) The game is taking an 8-bit shit. You think they would've ironed out all the flaws and improved all the mistakes made the first time around, but no! Somehow, they actually made it worse! Like pouring salt on an open wound. You die by jumping?! Yeah, if you walk and fall, you're fine. But, jumping from a great height, you're fucked. (Appolo jumps from the platform to a wooden fence, that has a sharp point, no the top, but failed because it is not a platform, it is just part of the background) Oh, come on! I can't land on that thing?! Then, why is is there?! The biggest issue is not being able to duck. You couldn't duck in the first game, either. But here, 90% of your enemies are on the ground! That's a major problem! I still can't accept this fact, so I'm always hoping in vain that if I press Down hard enough, it'll duck. Sometimes, enemies come in pairs. You can't even jump over that shit! They can't hit me here, right? (Appolo jumps back to top platform, the enemy hits the top platform, and the cheetah's health meter went down) What?! Let's see that again! (replay) You can't even stand above the enemies! (Being because The Nerd should have gotten on the platform to left, just a bit higher, than where he was.) (Points about the bird enemies) The only enemies that aren't on the ground are up in the air. Can't jump over, can't duck, and can't even shoot with a straight shot! You have to pull off a tricky jumping shot, but the enemies appear so quickly, you don't have time! The second level boss, on the other hand, is too easy! All he does is run to the right, never jumps, never throws anything, never changes pattern, just runs in the same direction until he's dead. Level 3: It's the big cheetah again. (Hercules) Since all of the enemies are stationed on the ground, the jumping glitch actually works favorably this time. But I don't feel bad about it. You know what, game, all this shit you put me through the first two levels?! Now it's my turn! Yeah, you want to play dumbass?! Well, double dumbass on you, motherfucker!!! You swine! You son of a motherless goat! (Level 3: The nerd becomes surprised) Level 3? Both games have two level threes?! How'd they repeat the same mistake twice?! Maybe it was intentional. Now it's time for the ape man. Oh, get your head out of my crotch, you monkey fuck. UNGH! You won't get me this time, you son of a bitch! Hungh! Hah! Hu--oh, ugh! (Is the cheetah raping the ape? This shocks the Nerd.) Whoa! Speaking of monkey fuck. Get back here, you shit biscuit. (The ape man disappears or is killed, but the Cheetah is stuck in the stage) Where'd he go? (the Nerd scratches his head) He's not coming back, is he? Ugh, man. All right. So, can I jump up and kill myself? (doesn't work) No? Not this time when I need it?! This is limbo! This is purgatory! The only thing I can do now is reset the fucking game! (The Nerd resets the game and plays through the whole levels until he reaches the Ape Man) You're not gonna get away this time! Hngh! Hngh! Ungh! Ungh! Uugh! Ungh! Hah! (Ape Man dies) Yeah-heah! Bitch! (The cheetah is still stuck in the stage, and the Nerd is like WTF.)

Well, I beat the game. At least I got as far as you could possibly go before it fucks out! Well, this is where I'd end things... (Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock) But... there's yet... another... Cheetahmen game. (Nerd holds up the cartridge: Action 52 for the Sega Genesis) Yeah, Action 52 on the Genesis. They just couldn't leave it alone, could they? Well, you think it would be the same as the NES version, except for enhanced graphics, but believe it or not, it's totally different. So, before we can move on to the last Cheetahmen game, let's take a quick look at what these assholes shat out this time.

That music is so Genesis. It's nice to leave outer space on the title screen. I mean, at least they were being upfront with it this time. Look at me, I'm shooting at strands of vomit in Space Town. But to tell you the truth, there's not that many space shooters. There's only about... six. That's kind of astonishing. They probably made up for it with the abundance of puzzle games. There's nothing wrong with something that challenges your mind, but this one wentWAY overboard. It's called "Action 52"! I want some action! Besides, if you're gonna make a puzzle game, can you at least have some instructions? There's a game called Echo, which is basically Simon Says. Come on, that thing was in every toy store in the 80's, did we really need a watered-down version on the Sega Genesis cartridge? There's definitely more of a variety here than on the NES: there's a pinball game, a boat game, a skiing game, and a handful of different action games. But, they're all just shittier clones of mediocre NES titles. There's a flying game that's worse than Top Gun, and there's a racing game that's a shittier version of Rad Racer. There's also a tank game based off Storm Over the Desert. Remember in the NES version: you're invincible, and anything you touch explodes?! Well, here, it's the total opposite! You can't even touch a soldier! What kind of tank is that?! Then there's games that are too easy! In Alien Attack, if you just keep running right and shooting, nothing will stop you. In theNinja game, you can actually run through everybody. In Bombs Away, you're running through a village avoiding bombs. But they'll never hit you as long as you keep moving. You can also jump like you're on a trampoline. Look at him! He jumps higher than the houses! And there's nothing to jump over. No holes, no obstacles, nothing at all! There's also a boxing game where the same thing happens. Have you ever seen a boxing match where somebody jumped?! Let alone ten to twenty feet in the air?! Another theme I've noticed is roadkill. There's a game calledFreeway, which is an exact clone of an Activision game called...uh...Freeway! They didn't even change the title. Instead of a chicken running across the street, you're a dog. (the dog gets ran over by a car and is smushed into pieces and this saddens the Nerd) That's horrible! The poor dog doesn't just get run over, it gets smushed into pieces. The other roadkill game is called Skater. You're some kid on roller skates jumping...50 feet in the air, of course. And most of the obstacles are dead cats. At least I'm pretty sure they're dead. Why else would a cat be laying in the road? Tell me. If you're programming a video game and you have a choice of all the things that could be on the road, like mufflers, puddles of oil, traffic cones, hubcaps, fallen trash cans, open manholes, of all the things you could put there, why does your imagination go straight to dead cats?! The names of these games are as mystifying as before. The tank game is called Norman. Is Norman the name of the guy in the tank? Then there'sSunday Drive. Yeah, just chilling out, going for a nice, relaxing Sunday drive, speeding through traffic at a hundred miles per hour on a five-lane highway. There's no accelerator. All you get is a horn, which doesn't do a damn thing. Oh look! Segaville: Next Exit! Again... and again... and again. For a non-existent exit, it sure has a lot of signs! There's a lot more two player games this time around, so if you're playing by yourself, that's just more games you can skip. Dyno Tennis is pretty funny, though. You're two dinosaurs whacking a caveman back and forth. And the purple dinosaur, really? Don't we have Barney? Isn't that enough? They recycled the same grunt and scream sound effects countless times. [(Caveman gets hit: Ugh!) (Rat gets killed by a man in blue: Ugh!) (Guy with green hair fall and hit the ground: Ugh!) (Skier hits the tree: Ahh!) (Man in blue gets hit: Ahh!)] Even the spaceship screams! [(1st Spaceship Screams: Ahh!) (2nd Spaceship Screams: Ahh!)] They must've been really hard-pressed coming up with ideas to fill 52 games. This one, called Appleseed, is just a farmer catching apples. (imitates the farmer using a southern accent) Aw, shit, motherfuckers. Damn apples coming out of trees so fast! Motherfuckers! Then there's this shitty drawing game. Yeah, trying drawing with the D-Pad! Game #51 is called 1st Game. Seems like a contradiction. Why isn't it called The 51st Game? Well, guess what? It's Pong. ... This blows my mind on so many levels. First of all, just the fact that they had to use Pong to fill in one of the games. Second, that Pong even exists on Sega Genesis. And third... the first game?! Like it's the first video game ever made?! That's debatable. The Odyssey came out the same year, and that was being worked on since the 60's. And before that, there's Space War. And if you really want to go back, there's those old games made out of radar equipment like Tennis For Two. So that's all they got for the 51st game? As for the 52nd game, there is none, it's just a trial run of the hardest levels of the other games. So, technically, it shouldn't even be called Action 52. There's only 50 games. (When really he should have said, "So, technically, it shouldn't even be called Action 52. There's only 51 games.".) But at least they're all functional. Only once I've had a game crash, and it worked after I reset the Genesis. So, just being able to play all the games is more than can be said for the NES version. As for the games with identical titles, they're all different, and improved from their NES counterparts. In Ooze, you can actually jump better, in Dedant, your ant can actually move up and down, and in Sharks, there's blood. So, let's move on to Cheetahmen, so I can clean my hands in this Action 52 shit.

For some reason, this time it's game #13. I guess they'd realize that that there's no sense saving it till the end, because it's just as shitty as the other games. There's no story this time. No explanation, no intro, just the title screen, and then it just drops you straight to the game. Is this the badass 16-bit version of Cheetahmen we'd hoped for? The background looks like the wallpaper in a baby's room. And the music...well, just listen. (music) Sounds like something you'd hear if somebody slipped on a banana peel. Even the NES music was better. (Cheetah: Ahh! Ugh!) One hit deaths?! Isn't that great. (Cheetah: Ahh!) How do I keep dying on the same part? I know you're coming. I know you're coming! (Cheetah: Ahh!) Ahh, fuck! It's because you outrun the screen! Why's it gotta be like that?! And what's up with the punching?! When you tap the button just once, it throws two or three punches. You can only punch while standing still and if your timing isn't perfect, it leaves you vulnerable. Well, I made it to the end of the screen. I think. So, my only guess is that you're supposed to get all these cheetah icons. I mean, who knows? It's not like the game gives you instructions. Oh, and after you die, just once, all the icons are back. So you might as well just reset. Augh! Getting on these vines is such a bitch! (Cheetah: Ahh!) Ugh! And look at that, am I on the vine, or what?! I'm not gonna let that thing kill me this time. Aw, there's a bat! (Cheetah: Ahh!) Aw, you mother of an ass! Look at this situation! (Cheetah punches the Snake: Ugh!) Yes! (Snake touches the Cheetah: Ahh!) No! Oh my god! Oh my god! No! No! (Bat touches Cheetah: Ahh!) NO!! I can't even beat the first level and I'm trying as hard as I can.

...

(Nerd throws controller away) ... I don't believe it! (Sigh) I just... can't believe it... that... this is even less playable than the NES version! You'd think they'd come back down to Earth and UNFUCK themselves!! But you know what the really good news is?! I'M DONE WITH ACTION 52!!! (the Nerd celebrates with fireworks, putting his party hat on, and blowing the party horn) (credits roll)

[Untitled Goose Q 5,137]

TLDR. Because I'm Feelin' Groovy!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMDjIbfKcXE

[Pinkie D Pie 1,036]

Woohoo the cool ranks are back!

[Jackleberry 1,923]

Yay!