Advice for my storyline and ponies? :3

[MyShiningArmor 128]

My OC pony Night Shades big brother Silver Sheild is a

knight and about to be made second.in command by

Shining Armor. Their family is."peasant" ponies from

Canterlot. I'm kindof toying with her maybe having

royal bloodlines that she has no idea about possibly

making her a normal ordinary alicorn by coincidence. Her

father is a pegasus and her mom a unicorn, so it

makes sense that her parents blame themselves but it

could be a great grandfather or something and she

finds out way later on about alicorns and that the

princess only thing is only a stereotype reinforced by

specific breeding for aesthetic reasons or something.

Idk.

Also for my OC Stallion.

Maybe. He looks like Shining Armor but his fur is

maroon and he has a blonde and red mane and

tail. His name is Crimson Flame and his cutie mark is

three falling fireballs. What I cant decide is what type

of pony he should be. I've startes a fanfic with him in it

and I know that his father is a pegasus named Red

Wing who is the leader of Princess Celestias pegasus

knights(which I made up. XP.)

I want my own oc pony to help him in some way, but

I'm not sure how

. Like should he be a uni with no magic or a pega that

can't fly or just a regular earth pony born to a uni mom

and a pega dad. my pony is a pega but I'm becoming fond of the unihorn.

Well anyways I'm kindof thinking he's a unicorn who can't do magic.

Like because of who his father is he's a

dissapointment. I'm thinking maybe he always wanted

to train with his unicorn mother to learn magic but she

passed when he was just a foal so he got pushed into

becoming a "pegasus" knight despite his lack of

wings, and is looked down upon for his lack of ability

because of who his father is. I'm thinking my oc mare

can be an alicorn just not a princess alicorn just a

normal pony who happens to have both.wings and a

horn. What do you think? Any advice/opinions? :3

[Night Shine 767]

Here's a couple pieces of advice, if (and only if) you really don't want people to accuse you of having "Mary Sue" OCs:

 

 

I'm thinking my oc mare can be an alicorn just not a princess alicorn just a normal pony who happens to have both.wings and a horn.

1) Don't have an OC that is an alicorn.

Unless it is for a really good reason or comes with a really good backstory, there's very little that makes readers think of a character as "low quality" than having an alicorn original character. It shows that the writer wants to make their character overpowered without respecting the universe the story is set in (as in MLP, there are very few alicorn characters, and it is always a big deal that they are one--

her maybe having royal bloodlines that she has no idea about possibly making her a normal ordinary alicorn by coincidence.

That seems more than a little bit sketchy to me. Characters with royal bloodlines aren't always alicorns; see Prince Blueblood. My advice is not to have a character be an alicorn unless it is absolutely necessary to the story.

 

However, if having the character as an alicorn is essential to your story and/or serves a legitimate purpose--

and she finds out way later on about alicorns and that the princess only thing is only a stereotype reinforced by specific breeding for aesthetic reasons or something. Idk.

--than it may not be quite as big of a deal. Still, as a general rule I would avoid making your OCs into alicorns, because many readers have a tendency to dislike alicorn original characters solely for being alicorns.

 

 

his father is a pegasus named Red Wing who is the leader of Princess Celestias pegasus knights(which I made up. XP.)

2) Be careful about how "good" these characters are.

This one's a bit harder to explain. One of the most common "Mary Sue" traits is that, within the story, the character is ridiculously overpowered and/or is abnormal in that they are given made-up positions of power that make them "better" than any other characters. Again, if this is essential to the story, very well-written, or makes sense with an appropriate backstory, than it's not as big of a deal, but that just stood out as a red flag to me.

 

Now enough negative criticism. Here's some things I liked to make up for it:

 

 

Well anyways I'm kindof thinking he's a unicorn who can't do magic. Like because of who his father is he's a dissapointment. I'm thinking maybe he always wanted to train with his unicorn mother to learn magic but she passed when he was just a foal so he got pushed into becoming a "pegasus" knight despite his lack of wings, and is looked down upon for his lack of ability because of who his father is.

I actually think this is pretty cool. Since another "Mary Sue" trait is that the plot serves them, having the plot screw them over could be very beneficial. However: Make sure that this makes the character struggle and then learn from that struggle; instead of just making them wangst all the time. If you do that right, it could make a very compelling story and character. I really like the idea of this character having to constantly struggle to get out of his father's shadow. :3

 

 

He looks like Shining Armor but his fur is maroon and he has a blonde and red mane and tail. His name is Crimson Flame and his cutie mark is three falling fireballs.

Sounds like a pretty awesome-looking character. Try not to make him look too much like Shining Armor, but as long as you don't directly mention Shining that won't be a problem.

 

 

Their family is."peasant" ponies from Canterlot.

As long as they don't also have royal bloodlines, since that's a contradictory plot point, this sounds like it would 1) add to their characters and 2)  keep them far enough away from being "too good" so that people wouldn't accuse them of being Mary Sues.

 

 

...and those are my thoughts. Please keep in mind that they're only my opinion, and if you don't want to follow my advice, you don't have to. Good luck on your story!

Edited March 27, 2013 by Night Shine

[MyShiningArmor 128]

Your advice is very much appreciated! and this being aid I REALLY don't want to godmod anypony I just like the look of the horn but am more partial to pegasi mares. And she is by no means a mary sue. She is an outcast. No pony really likes her, though she is freinds with the mane six. Her goal is only to be accepted. I dont care for power lol. She is a gray pony with a dishwater blinde and brown mane and tail, like my real life hair, and a crescent moon with a white wolfhead coming out if it as a cutie mark. And as for Red Wing he is more of in Big Macs position he has a name and he's there but not overpowering. And he is still under Shinings rank. He's technically just a general in charge of a specific battalion lol. I dislike mary sueing my OCs lol.

 

To add to that I was thinking of making up a peice if equestrian history in which alicorns were very common but were causing problems by being too powerful so laws had to be passed to slowly make the trait recessive in all but mares who were to be leaders because while they were very powerful it wasn't in conjuction with the mighty physical strength of stallions so it made it safer. My pony would be an alicorn by a quirk in this rule, which Crimson Flame would help her discover in an old book while she tries to help him learn to use magic.

[FractalMoon 378]

As for the alicorn thing... I've always been partial to the idea that alicorns were common, but a plague wiped out most of them... Not sure about the whole "friends with the mane six" thing, that is kinda rare, but if presented tastefully (She is some sort of obsessed stalker that thinks she they are friends, but they only want to be rid of her) it could work out. And there are outcast mary sues. I think the proper rank for someone in command of a battalion is a commander, but you might want to check me on that.

[MyShiningArmor 128]

My OC is from a "poor" family in Canterlot. And like I said she is NOT a mary sue and she will never be all powerful. I like the horn for looks and the alicorn thing simply to make her different. Nothing mary sue about her. And also like I said Red Wing is more of a back pony than anything.

[Zygen 6,066]

Well just as long as everything makes sense in the end it should turn out fine really.

I suppose if you allow for flaws enough and don't make a to strong of a pony being an Alicorn and all. Long as you don't and make the Alicorn thing make sense it'll be cool.

 

Basically just try to make everything make sense and yeah. I don't have very good critique do i .

 

In the end its your OC so I guess nopony can actually tell you what to do.

[MyShiningArmor 128]

she has plenty of flaws she's me but a pony lol. And Crimson is my dream guy but a pony. And trust me, everything will make sense in.the end. Its mostly Crimson Flame I want the advice on. Lol. :3.

[LeJAKoJAK 49]

It could be pretty cool, and it could be a neat twist with the magic deficient unicorn, however, my Mary?-Sue senses are tingling. The first is the alicorn, and the second is making your OC second in command. Just make sure you avoid Mary.

[Sky Warden 2,243]

@@MyShiningArmor, I just want to add about the advices gave to you. Night Shine has covered most of the part about Mary Sue, so I will just write a simple advice here.

 

The main element of Mary Sue-ness isn't about the Mary Sue element itself. Just like overpower magic, etc, but it relies on how the world around the character in question acts. A character can be said a Mary Sue if the world simply follows their demand.

 

He wants to go to Everfree Forest then the world really acts like he wish. He wants to defeat her, she's defeated at once. Just like that.

 

Also, another element of Mary Sue-ness is how other characters behave to him. Is all of your good characters love him? Is all of your bad characters hate him? Are there many characters who want to help him in completing his goals? Is there any pony who doesn't care about his destiny? If the answers are yes yes yes and no, then he's a Mary Sue.

Edited March 27, 2013 by Sky Warden

[MyShiningArmor 128]

You mean my back character whose.only.purposr is.to bring.my mane character to canterlot? NOT mary suing

And for the thousanth time the my mane is NOT a true alicorn. I don't like princess ponies at all too girly. People need to stop assuming thinngs.

 

And just so y'all know I've published novels. I DONT "mary sue". Just because you feel like somepony elses oc gets a bit more attention than yours doesn't mean its mary sue crap. Its just a difference in said other ponys writing style and the pov the story is written in. The purpose of this thread is advice not critisism and trying to tell me to change my characters.

[Sky Warden 2,243]

@@MyShiningArmor, well, I did give you an advice. Even if you're aware enough, you will find that I'm supporting you in this issue. Some people say about Alicorn thingy is Mary Sue, but I didn't really agree since Mary Sue attribute isn't the main element of Mary Sue itself. It's about the story. Get it? I'm helping you here.

 

For the real advices, please consider about the right usage of period, and spelling. There's also a difference between it's and its. Also, I would like to see how your novels were written.

[MyShiningArmor 128]

thank you. i very much appreciate the advice and support. and i apologize for any spelling errors or misplaced periods. i've been switching between my phone and laptop alot.