A Writer In Need. Anyone Willing To Help?

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

Hello everyone.  I come asking for some help here on my writing. 

 

You see, I've just cleaned up my prologue and many chapters, even just recently updating my story.  I feel it could be better though.  I tried going to sites like Ponychan, but all I got was someone that said it's too long for them.  That's after almost a month of waiting on any reply over there.  I have some people helping me, and one person that's very awesome for all the work in helping, but having more eyes on things would help this better.

 

I'm not looking for someone to proof read everything.  That's an enormous amount of work that I wouldn't ask for here.  I'm just looking for a little feedback, maybe some criticism on things.  If anyone likes certain things, that can help too since it would show what readers enjoy and how I can improve on that. 

 

Even ideas that people would like to see, I'd be okay with.  Maybe I can find some way to write some into the story in later chapters.  I started writing fanfic as a way to learn how to write better and I have improved, but I feel I can improve more. 

 

...It seems I'm getting a bit too wordy here.  Below is the link to my main story, which is also in my signature along with my Deviant Art page for artwork.  If you'd rather leave a comment on my story, or even just private message me on either here or my FimFic account, that's cool as well.  I read everything that's there.  I'm also available to help out on looking at other peoples work too if they need it, so long as I have the time to do so.

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/70801/an-alien-walks-amongst-us

 

The one thing I've always strived for is a well paced story and to 'show, not tell' when writing.  That doesn't mean I don't mess up though.  Any help in any form is appreciated.

I guess I forgot to mention.  This is a comedic story that will have adventure and feels in it.  By feels, I mean romance and other things.

[Blue Moon 6,341]

Hello everyone.  I come asking for some help here on my writing. 

 

You see, I've just cleaned up my prologue and many chapters, even just recently updating my story.  I feel it could be better though.  I tried going to sites like Ponychan, but all I got was someone that said it's too long for them.  That's after almost a month of waiting on any reply over there.  I have some people helping me, and one person that's very awesome for all the work in helping, but having more eyes on things would help this better.

 

I'm not looking for someone to proof read everything.  That's an enormous amount of work that I wouldn't ask for here.  I'm just looking for a little feedback, maybe some criticism on things.  If anyone likes certain things, that can help too since it would show what readers enjoy and how I can improve on that. 

 

Even ideas that people would like to see, I'd be okay with.  Maybe I can find some way to write some into the story in later chapters.  I started writing fanfic as a way to learn how to write better and I have improved, but I feel I can improve more. 

 

...It seems I'm getting a bit too wordy here.  Below is the link to my main story, which is also in my signature along with my Deviant Art page for artwork.  If you'd rather leave a comment on my story, or even just private message me on either here or my FimFic account, that's cool as well.  I read everything that's there.  I'm also available to help out on looking at other peoples work too if they need it, so long as I have the time to do so.

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/70801/an-alien-walks-amongst-us

 

The one thing I've always strived for is a well paced story and to 'show, not tell' when writing.  That doesn't mean I don't mess up though.  Any help in any form is appreciated.

Sure, I'll go read it and tell you what I think. I am a fast reader, so you can expect a response soon (Probably tonight). If you need an editor, I'd be more than happy to fulfill that role. I don't mind big stories. And if you would like to help me, check out my story below and tell me what you think. It is my first fanfic.

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/93915/queen-chrysalis-plan

 

EDIT: Wait, this story is kind of long so I'll probably won't finish it tonight.

Edited April 9, 2013 by Blue_Moon

[Staticboom 33]

I'll read it as well for you man. Might take me awhile though. Looks interesting. I'll get back to you with feedback as soon as I get a little way in. Half way through the Prologue now, and I have to say I'm impressed so far.

[Blue Moon 6,341]

Ok, I kind of skimmed through the story and I have some pros and cons.

 

It is a very well written story, the perspective is unique, and there are no errors as far as I can tell. There are a few problems though. The perspective can be off-putting to some. This isn't really a problem though. Also, if you are going to write a long story, you need to work on capturing your reader a bit better. A story needs to grab the reader's attention and want to read the story. But overall, this is a very well written story, just needs a bit better storytelling. Once you get the hang of that, you are going to be an amazing writer.

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

Sure, I'll go read it and tell you what I think. I am a fast reader, so you can expect a response soon (Probably tonight). If you need an editor, I'd be more than happy to fulfill that role. I don't mind big stories. And if you would like to help me, check out my story below and tell me what you think. It is my first fanfic.

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/93915/queen-chrysalis-plan

 

EDIT: Wait, this story is kind of long so I'll probably won't finish it tonight.

 

Sure, I can do that.  It won't be sometime until I have to go shopping.  Midnight, if you'll believe that.

 

 

I'll read it as well for you man. Might take me awhile though. Looks interesting. I'll get back to you with feedback as soon as I get a little way in. Half way through the Prologue now, and I have to say I'm impressed so far.

I'll be waiting then for whatever you have to say.

 

 

I just read your story, writing up a reply to each chapter and the prologue to it in a private message just so you know, okay?

Edited April 9, 2013 by Hazardus_Havard

[Cilantro 5]

My first impression is that the questions and descriptions are a bit excessive. Some readers can get bored if they feel that they're stuck reading a lot of unimportant content like meandering trains of thought or extraneous detail to get to the juicy parts, and a lot of things they'll pick up on by themselves.

 

I like to add a lot of details, too, but I try to ask myself two things:

1) Does it matter or clarify something of value?

2) Does it add to ambiance or important visuals?

 

There’s so much white surrounding you.  It’s obnoxiously bright; you wish there is some way to turn it down.  Looking around, you see nothing but more of the same bright light surrounding you.  You feel it’s directing you somewhere though, someplace different.  Different?  But… where were you before you got here?  Try and remember, try…  Yes, you remember things now.  It’s slow, like thick, dark sludge making its way into your head.  But you’re remembering.

 

A shorter paragraph could serve the same purpose, but cut down and size and move the reader along faster. They can really add up.

 

You're surrounded by white and nothing but.  It’s obnoxiously bright and you wish there was some way to turn it down.  You feel it’s directing you somewhere, though, somewhere different. But… where were you before you got here? How did you get here? You try to remember.

Edited April 9, 2013 by Cilantro

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

My first impression is that the questions and descriptions are a bit excessive. Some readers can get bored if they feel that they're stuck reading a lot of unimportant content like meandering trains of thought or extraneous detail to get to the juicy parts, and a lot of things they'll pick up on by themselves.

 

I like to add a lot of details, too, but I try to ask myself two things:

1) Does it matter or clarify something of value?

2) Does it add to ambiance or important visuals?

 

 

A shorter paragraph could serve the same purpose, but cut down and size and move the reader along faster. They can really add up.

 

I completely agree with you.  Interesting to say, I've rewritten the prologue over twenty times now.  No joke.  Originally, this thing was around 6k words.  Now, it's more around 4k (just checked, 3,777 words).  I've omitted a lot of it since so much was not needed or just idiotic of me to write in the first place.

 

What you say there, I agree as well.  So... why did I still do that?  Well, it was to add in the confusion of the situation with the main character.  I wanted to make it feel like that's how most people would actually think in a situation like that.  First they'd see their surroundings, then look around.  Seeing something so strange, they'd start questioning things for themselves, eventually remembering.  But yeah, I suppose I could've added in some other things to help here. 

 

If there's anything else, I wouldn't mind hearing about it since anything and everything does help me improve my story.  Oh, and so you know, I do double space after the completion of a sentence.  Why?  Strange enough, that's how my school originally taught me how to write and even if it's a queer thing to see something like that, it's always stuck with me.

Edited April 9, 2013 by Hazardus_Havard