[Open] Feedback for your OC for Roleplaying!

[GreyScholar 1,584]

So there we go, potentially four to five characters that can be used for a roleplay. one of the characters I was considering is also from Manehattan.

[Luximus 482]

...eh what the heck. Here's my OC's page...

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/shadow-luxurious-shadow-lux-r4155

I didn't put this in there, but her personality is like a combo between Shadow and Luna. She doesn't let anything stand in her way and is more of an angry good girl, but she's always on the lookout for new friends, and she'll help those in need of help. 

[Harmony Spark 265]

Can u do my OC, Princess Harmony Spark? Her profile page is in my signature box. She's a alicorn who is a huge Transformers fan and has Asperger's syndrome. Thanks anyway :3

[Noone 3]

Here's my first ever OC. The name is terrible so I'm looking for suggestions on changing it. Hope you enjoy it!

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/zaptrik-r4302

[Inactive01 5,299]

Harmonic Revelations

 

Appearance: First impressions dictate that he is very intellectual. The fact that he is a scholar reflects in his appearance very well. The glasses, the scroll, the scruffy hair. Don't have much else to say here. His facial expressions at that moment also fit well the fact that he's contemplating about the scroll he is reading. I was wondering if there was a purpose in making him green though. Not saying it looks bad; in fact, I'm saying the contrary. Rarely would I see colour having significance to a character's traits, but if it did, it would most epic. Imagine Pinkie Pie. The colour pink just coincides with partying, while orange and red can represent a high work ethic (ie Applejack and family). Just a thought, but your OC's still looking great.

      Score: 10/10

 

Backstory: Wow... that's an intense backstory you have there. I feel sorry for him. A murderous guard... It sure left me wondering whether the guard finally got his dues... I'm hoping he eventually does considering how evil it sounds. It's got a lot of room for further development as far as roleplays and fanfics go. I was wondering if it was ever considered that Harmonic would learn that sometimes moving on is the best option. Nevertheless, you've got multiple directions set for your OC. 

 

It's already a very epic backstory, but how did he get his cutie mark? You never mentioned that in your backstory. I suggest you add his cutie mark story to show the origins of his intelligence and his ability to understand and reveal knowledge to others. It would set the foreground for many of his works as an archaeologist and his passions towards scholarship. 

 

Also, I was wondering about the Guard himself. I understand that Harmonic wouldn't know much about the guard, but I was wondering whether you hid the information about the guard on purpose. You make him sound like a serial killer of sorts. Did Harmonic ever wonder why the guard committed the murder he witnessed? After all, it did lead to the murder of his wife... which I found very saddening. I also wanted to ask that question because he was placed in a stable position as a teacher after things quieted. By the way, what type of teacher was he? Based on his pedigree, he sounds like a university professor. It would make for very interesting interactions if you placed him in a university roleplay. It would really jive things up in terms of finding the guard and letting him have his justice.

 

All in all, a very original backstory, although I still have slight issues with the sudden nature of the murder. It shocked me to say the least. At the above is just musings and ponderings on what you could do with your backstory in a future roleplay.

   Score: 9/10

 

Personality: You have made your OC very easy to empathize with when you combine the personality section with the backstory seciton. However, there's run on sentences everywhere that prevents your OC's traits from being conveyed the way it should be. Here's an example: 

 

He can be a bit crafty and manipulative at times, he'll do anything to make things go the way he wants them to, and is quite good at it, being charismatic and intelligent in conjunction leads him to be able to convince other ponies to do quite a few things, which is why he is more of a leader than a follower.

 

That whole paragraph's a single sentence. It makes your backstory sound convoluted and verbose. Here's a way to reword if it you desire:

 

"He can be crafty and manipulative. Sometimes, he'll do anything to bend his surroundings to his will. His charisma and rhetoric together convinces other ponies to do all sorts of errands and tasks, making him more of a leader than a follower..."

 

That's just an example though. They're run amuck throughout your whole segment and rewording many of the phrases will allow your descriptions to flow better. Otherwise, there's a lot of traits that make him a very imaginable character. They add to his character and better portrays him as an intellectual who has a soft side once ponies know him. Nevertheless, the tragedy of the guard scarred him for life, and that's a part of who he is. If you can accentuate that slightly more, that would really raise your OC to new heights.

   Score: 8.5/10

[Starshine 16,333]

Actually I'd be willing to be a part of such a roleplay, a couple of characters that would be willing to help a pony seach for his sister. Perhaps an adventure to be made out of it, more than just looking for the sister.

Wait a minute... I know Chemm and Erlen would love to be a part of that venture! They're from Manehattan, but I can get them to travel to Los Pegasus so that Erlen can propose to Chemm... But then, somehow, we find out about the OC's sis! I'd love that! 

 

 

This is... unexpected. I wasn't really expecting anyone would be interested in such a silly sibling relationship. XD

Okay then, I'll discuss it with Sterling for a bit

Edited August 28, 2013 by Starshine

[FabulousJeremy 48]

Edit: If you're up for it, I've given her personality and backstory some very serious revision.  I'd like to hear your opinion on what I have now!  http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/truffletop-r4286

I don't know if you saw this Sterling, but if you could I'd like you to give a second opinion now that I've gone through and changed things.  Feel free to prioritize those who haven't had a review yet though, I was just wondering if you could give an opinion on what I have now.

Edited August 28, 2013 by FabulousJeremy

[Inactive01 5,299]

Standoff

 

Appearance: He definitely has the look of a badass. A very serious, muscular pony. He has an eyepatch... if only I was able to see the side with the eyepatch though. He definitely looks ready to charge at something too. Nevertheless, the name "Standoff" makes it sound like he's just there to block the progress of others. I personally see him as a greater aggressor of sorts based on your OC's picture, which doesn't tie in too much with the fact he's level headed. Nevertheless, it could just be his angry stance, so that would be fine. A nice, athletic looking OC overall.

      Score: 9/10

 

Backstory: There's a lot of details you need to sort out here. The chronology of everything makes sense, but I was just wishing for some insight into all the events you mention and why they happened in the first place. It's what you have to do when you're introducing details that aren't readily apparent in MLP:FiM as a show. Take "The War of Celestian Ideology". I don't know anything about it. Was Standoff briefed on the mission at all? Is this supposed to be a spoof of World War II because of the mentions of Stalliongrad and Trottgart? By the way, when I read that part of the backstory, I was listening to Russian Revolutionary music to immerse in the mood. I suggest you try that if you really want to get deeper with your OC's story and at the same time help us feel immersed in your OC's story. Here's one for you to help describe his life in Pony Russia:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also, what did he do to anger the PKVD? And what is the PKVD? Like I said, I'm pretty lost in all the terms of your story. I can feel that it involves the Soviet Union to some capacity, but I'm not sure how much is actually just a spoof from Soviet history and how much of it is original. If you can make the distinction, that would be very helpful. Also, how did Standoff get all the way from Baltimare to pony USSR?  Just wondering because it's a really large distance. And then there's the part of how he was able to travel that great of a distance back to Ponyville. If you can clarify distances, that would be nice. Helps the reader understand the story more. 

 

Then there's the relationship with Pinkie Pie. If you want to establish a friendship between a canon character and a non-canon character, a strong basis must be placed. Otherwise, the connection won't make sense and will seem very random in a backstory. How did he meet Pinkie Pie? How did they get close? You better explain this as you continue to develop your OC's backstory.

 

So yeah. Much more detail needed.

   Score: 4/10

 

Personality: I like how you placed Standoff and Red Alert as foils. Standoff is more of the level headed one, while Red sounds more like the rash one. He sounds like a very political figure, and it fits well with the fact that he started a parliamentary party. He loves card games too? Fits well with the fact that he has witnessed war where card games are often played. Still, is there any weakness you wish to show to your readers? Every pony has their own trait that leaves them weaker and provides room for character development. Maybe being outspoken? Or obstinate (may not because he's level-headed...). How about becoming too lukewarm in a certain situation? Maybe that could get him into trouble...? 

 

Explain his anger a little more. How angry can he get? Also, why does he enjoy irony? And what types? Also, add this to your OC's personality section. It fits there better:

 

Can't stand ignorance. EXTREMELY SKILLED in silent combat. Fairly good medic. Fairly deep grasp of the Multiverse Theory. Recently bought a magic-proof vest, which may or may not work. Favored weapons: Ballistic Shield, USAS 12

  Score: 6/10

[Greyhawk 100]

I am curious of how you would review my oc, even though I'm quite nervous of critics. Though I am a little skeptical of my character creation decisions and risks I am taking in making him but I have to see how you see him.

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/greyhawk-r4307

 

and also one of the picture so you get the idea of his character.

 

 

[Inactive01 5,299]

Red Alert

 

Appearance: You've got an OC with a very interesting look here. He looks like a sneaky, espionage sort of pony. The scars also add to his character. It shows some of the physical struggles he may have undergone in his lifetime. When you noted the PW era vest, it just made him all the more unique. Now, is he actually wearing that vest now? If he isn't, then it would be cool to see him on that vest, since it is something that he likes to wear. He even has a Germane helmet? Wow. Like his fellow comrade, he must have been involved with war. All that I was able to conclude mostly from your OC's appearance, so a good start here.

    Score: 9/10

 

Backstory: Ok so you have an interesting story that develops in Germaney, mentioning how his crimson body was the target of much ridicule from his fellow ponies. Why is that the case? What about his crimson was so... taboo? Was it just because it was different from the other ponies? Or was there something deeper? Also, why did he emigrate to Stalliongrad? Like I said, it would still be a long distance away from Germaney. Things get slightly better when you talk about betrayal from Stalliongrad and how you get him to meet Standoff, one of his closest friends. 

 

Your problems with Standoff move over to Red Alert. What was the siege of Manehattan? I know that's where he found his love of sniping. Did that become his cutie mark story? I'm not sure about even that because you mentioned what his cutie mark was. Also, who is Pomegranate Daisy? She's among the many pieces of the scandal that forced Standoff and Red to flee, but it doesn't say much else. 

 

Like Standoff, there's a lot of details that need clarification before your OC can have a stronger backstory.

      Score: 3/10

 

Personality: He definitely sounds like a stark contrast with Standoff. He's a lot more insane, is more willing to take risks, and is especially well trained when it comes to sniping. However, have you ever considered making him an even stronger foil of Standoff? A foil is a character who acts as a complete contrast from another character. A good example of this is Bill Sykes and Mr. Brownlow from Oliver Twist. For your OC, while Standoff can be more defensive, Red Alert is much more on the offensive end it seems.

Also, I have a suggestion. Considering how good of a sniper he is and how he likes the M40, have you ever considered having him carry a sniper rifle around as a future heirloom? Maybe if he somehow marries and has foals, he could tell of "The Legend of Red Alert and the M40", or something like that. 

 

Otherwise, the personality section seems pretty basic but it does cover some of his traits. Consider ways to expand a bit more on his character to make him better stand out as your OC.

     Score: 5/10  

@Shadowlux100

Shadowlux

 

Appearance: She looks interesting. Something off from a comic strip. The colours remind me... of something from a kid's video game, kinda like Big Thinkers from Humongous Entertainment (see Google if you wish to search). What I'm saying is that the colours aren't very original and it doesn't look very nice in my opinion. However, if you like it, that is fine. She has a very determined look on her, like an eagle. That's nice, especially considering what little you wrote on the personality section (more on that later. If you're still developing your character, I have lots of advice for you...)

 

All in all, I wish the colours were better, but she still looks fitting for her nature.

    Score: 7/10

 

Backstory: I had many questions for you to by the time I was done the first sentence. No offense, but your backstory has very little meat to it. It's very cliche. If you're still developing it, I have many questions that can help to really deepen your OC's backstory's originality, which is what I aim for any OC's backstory.

 

First off, what do you mean when you say that her ancestors long ago were under Princess Luna's watch? Were they direct servants to her? Were they advisors, or just weaker than her? When I get to the second sentence of your backstory, I wonder, 'Why is it that Luna chose your OC? What makes your OC different from all the other ponies Luna has at her disposal? Why exactly did Luna have this authority in the first place? Was it an agreement between her and Celestia? Or was it something else?'

 

Also, why is it that Luna cursed them? She wasn't evil here, but if it were Nightmare Moon, then I would at least partially understand. Because you mention that these ponies become evil versions of themselves once they descend into depression and the like, then it led me to conclude that yes indeed they could be linked with Nightmare Moon, because she expressed those same symptoms.

 

And then... there's your OC herself. Why does she have no parents? What exactly happened to them? You can't just say she has no parents without a reason. She was born into the world through her parents, unless I'm mistaken. Also, I'm extremely confused at this sentence. Read the sentence aloud and by then you should notice the contradiction:

 

She's been living with no parents, but inside the Canterlot Mines safe from ponies who wouldn't understand these ponies, and to hide their evil away from the other ponies.  

 

I understand that she's been living in the Canterlot Mines. BUT... who are "these ponies"? You didn't mention them anywhere else in the backstory. You eventually mention that Luna protected them, so are they also Children of the Night like your OC? If so, are they the same ponies Luna cursed? 

 

Ok, so basically, by the time I'm done reading your backstory, I was left extremely confused. You really have to rethink that backstory of yours. If you want to keep what foundation you set, then consider all the questions I asked as a start. At this state, your backstory's extremely confusing and has little to no depth.

    Score: 1/10.

 

Personality: It's only one sentence. I can't say much. Ok, so what do you mean by "lets nothing stand in her way?" Is she obstinate towards her goals? Is she insistent that her beliefs are true? Is it both? She's a loyal friend, and yet I don't see any proof of that in your backstory. In fact, your backstory says quite the opposite. They can't fully feel happiness, joy, etc. All those things are associated strongly with friendship yes? I would understand if she expressed trust and honesty because those facets weren't cursed. 

 

Because your backstory still needs a lot of work, your personality section too needs a lot of work. At this point, your OC's an extremely generic pony. There's no sense of originality or uniqueness in it. As a consequence, I don't think you can do much by way of roleplays for fanfics unless you developed your OC through a series of roleplays and added those details into your OC's profile. If you do that, I think much of my criticisms can be alleviated.

   Score: 1/10

@Greyhawk

Don't worry mate. I won't bite. I'm not only telling you how good your OC is. I'm focusing more on how you can make your OC better. So when you see your grade, it won't reflect on you as a person. It'll just reflect on the work you need to do to make your OC as good as it can be. All this is for you. I have no benefit in dishing out grades all the time other than advancing my reputation as a fair reviewer and helpful adviser.

 

@Harmony Spark

Harmony Spark

 

Appearance: Your OC is the first alicorn I have come across. She looks very pretty actually. Her appearance fits her regality (ok one sec. EXCUSE ME MLPF!!! THERE IS SUCH A WORD AS REGALITY. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?! Ok. I'm done.) very well. It is a crying shame that your OC's cutie mark is blocked by her wings. I would have loved to see what it looked like. No matter. You can easily fix that by providing a picture of her cutie mark on the other section. The colour blend is also very nice, and her crown suits her position as a princess well. Other than showing her cutie mark more clearly, I see a very warm and receptive princess in her. She certainly is up there with Princess Cadence in beauty.

     Score: 9/10

 

Backstory: The very first thing I notice is how I warm up to your character as I begin to read about her journey to becoming an alicorn. However, it was slightly hard to follow at first because some of the tenses didn't agree with each other and run-on sentences were present. I notice this in many OC profile pages, so you're definitely not the only one. What I highly suggest you do is to search for a person who loves to write. Ask them to edit your work if they have time. They'll help you better express all the things you mentioned in your OC's story. 

 

Ok back to backstory. I love her cutie mark story. It's a great expression of her development as a character and her establishing herself for roleplays and fanfics. However, I still have a few issues with your story. First off, Mr. Pennypincher. I know he's the corporate mogul who came to town. The story you wrote gave huge allusions to the Flim Flam brothers story. Here's the problem though: you never mention what happens to Mr. Pennypincher. I can assume he'll skedaddle out of town, but I was hoping that you stated something that would really pinch justice into the story. Maybe have it so that word spreads everywhere about his additives which by consequence forces him to close shop because Equestrian law bans the use of food additives. I know you can come up with something better, but that was just an idea. 

 

Another huge concern I have is the story that ascends her to alicorn status. It just felt... anticlimactic. How did the Great Depression begin? Why was it that her imagination was enough to revive the ponies and not Celestia? I know it fits conveniently with your backstory, but I just want to make sure you have a strong basis for making her an alicorn OC. I just felt that the story paled in terms of depth in comparison with her cutie mark story. 

 

Other than adding details and thinking harder on the alicorn story and some polishing of Harmony's cutie mark story, you've got a good backstory. 

 

BONUS: I like the fact you added Asperger's syndrome to all this. It gives her extra wiggle to provide creativity by letting her have a unique set of eyes through which she sees her world. I myself have autism

    Score: 8/10

 

Personality: "PAUL!!! I WANT TO DO THIS SECTION!!!! I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!!!"

"What now Sterling?! Wait YOU want to review Harmony Spark? This would undo the stability I have possessed in these reviews! People would discredit me!"

"But Paul! I have some things I want to say! They're not mean or anything! I promise!"

"Ok Sterling... but if this goes down hill, I blame you! Now get to it!"

"Thank you so much! You won't be disappointed!"

 

"Ok Harmony Spark. I hope you can hear me! By the way, I think you're very pretty and agree with Paul. Maybe in what Paul calls an alternate universe, I can hang out with you... alone? *blushes and shakes head* Sorry. Ok. Wow she has Asperger's? I'm glad I'm not the only one with a form of autism! Still, it's not random placement either! It makes sense! I can see her imagination soaring because of her Asperger's. Besides, I'm clumsy too! There's nothing wrong with being clumsy Harmony! And you're a princess too! And an artist to boot! And a tomboy! It all makes sense considering your story, which too is awesome by the way.

 

Still... I can't help but feel that she's afraid of something. It could be strangers considering she's socially awkward. But still. How about something interesting? Spiders? Ghosts? Anything else? Having that would definitely give a more understandable viewpoint towards Harmony as an alicorn.

 

Umm... that's all I have to say. It's a nice personality which ties well with her character."

       Score: 9/10

[RussianRoulette 2]

Perhaps you could review my new OC, Roulette? His bio is in my signature. Thank you! It would help me develop him more, definitely.

[Inactive01 5,299]

First off, it's "mane", not "main". You have a lot of these spelling mistakes. Fix them. 

Zaptrik

 

Appearance: She looks like Vinyl Scratch with a different colour palette. She has nice wings though, but I just wish she didn't look like Vinyl. Every pony has a unique look. I would suggest looking for an artist to help make a more original look and still provide the same zap that Vinyl Scratch shows through her looks. The colour combination of yellow and blue doesn't match that nicely either, but that may be just me. Still... the yellow just seems to... apparent compared to her mane colour. Try experimenting with some other colours if you want.

      Score: 7/10

 

Backstory: I like the idea you have with evil scientists, but when you mentioned their goal, it became as cliche as the Disney shows these days. I feel that it can go much deeper than that. Maybe you can enlist a great grudge from the lead evil scientist against Celestia because of what she did to tarnish his reputation as a physicist perhaps? Making a rival alicorn... It also sounds cliche, but if you can work on that a bit more by defining the perfect alicorn, it would make it more original. Maybe you can make it embody chaos, a complete foil against Celestia, but then again, that's already taken by Discord... Just think harder about what the perfect alicorn would be. 

 

You have shown that Filly 13 is Zaptrik and that she's a clone. And that she also had a fellow clone named Spire Mist. Personally, I wish that the scientist decided to make them both alicorns, but something bad happened that caused them to have only one feature of the alicorn. Then the scientist would eventually fix the machine and strive for a secret competition that would determine which OC became the alicorn.

 

As for the relationship between Zaptrik and Mist, I think it's good, but it would definitely need some more development. Delve deeper into the time they spent together. What did they do together? Were they allowed to venture into Equestria? If not, did they ever try to sneak in to see what the real world was like? Keep this as you continue to build Zap's backstory. Finally, the fact she never spoke to anypony forever just provides some limitations to her roleplaying space in my opinion. Everypony has to interact with each other eventually... I just feel that if you say she's never talked to anypony ever again, it removes the possibility of character interactions, a key part in roleplaying. Maybe you could modify that to discuss a strong distrust towards ponies because of his experiences.

 

It's got potential, but some work needs to be done with originality. Also, cutie mark story. I need some detail on that, and you didn't give enough of it.

   Score: 5.5/10

 

Personality: 

 

Due to her past, she is a shy and hateful pony who does not like meeting new friends or socializing with any one. She is ashamed of being herself. Seeing other ponies with friends deeply upsets her. Although she hates the world, there is something inside her motivating her to keep on living. Her hatred does not turn her evil, instead it fuels her power. She is not a superhero nor a villain. She is just a pony looking for her revenge.

 

Ok, who does she want revenge against? The scientist who forced her to fight her friend? I need some detail on that. Also, what power do you speak of? Her thunder? Or her desire? You have to explain that in more detail. Finally, I suggest you add her personality on the days before she turned depressive. It would provide a great comparison to what she was and what she is. You can also pose a question as to what she will become, enticing the reader to want to be involved in the roleplays you're in to see what happens to Zaptrik.

 

How about something she likes to carry around? How about her being pensive? Has she ever wondered where she came from? Did the scientist already say? If so, does she believe it? That can add a new dimension to her personality.

 

Like backstory, some potential, but work needs to be done with the details.

     Score: 6/10

[Harmony Spark 265]

@Harmony Spark

Harmony Spark

 

Appearance: Your OC is the first alicorn I have come across. She looks very pretty actually. Her appearance fits her regality (ok one sec. EXCUSE ME MLPF!!! THERE IS SUCH A WORD AS REGALITY. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?! Ok. I'm done.) very well. It is a crying shame that your OC's cutie mark is blocked by her wings. I would have loved to see what it looked like. No matter. You can easily fix that by providing a picture of her cutie mark on the other section. The colour blend is also very nice, and her crown suits her position as a princess well. Other than showing her cutie mark more clearly, I see a very warm and receptive princess in her. She certainly is up there with Princess Cadence in beauty.

     Score: 9/10

 

Backstory: The very first thing I notice is how I warm up to your character as I begin to read about her journey to becoming an alicorn. However, it was slightly hard to follow at first because some of the tenses didn't agree with each other and run-on sentences were present. I notice this in many OC profile pages, so you're definitely not the only one. What I highly suggest you do is to search for a person who loves to write. Ask them to edit your work if they have time. They'll help you better express all the things you mentioned in your OC's story. 

 

Ok back to backstory. I love her cutie mark story. It's a great expression of her development as a character and her establishing herself for roleplays and fanfics. However, I still have a few issues with your story. First off, Mr. Pennypincher. I know he's the corporate mogul who came to town. The story you wrote gave huge allusions to the Flim Flam brothers story. Here's the problem though: you never mention what happens to Mr. Pennypincher. I can assume he'll skedaddle out of town, but I was hoping that you stated something that would really pinch justice into the story. Maybe have it so that word spreads everywhere about his additives which by consequence forces him to close shop because Equestrian law bans the use of food additives. I know you can come up with something better, but that was just an idea. 

 

Another huge concern I have is the story that ascends her to alicorn status. It just felt... anticlimactic. How did the Great Depression begin? Why was it that her imagination was enough to revive the ponies and not Celestia? I know it fits conveniently with your backstory, but I just want to make sure you have a strong basis for making her an alicorn OC. I just felt that the story paled in terms of depth in comparison with her cutie mark story. 

 

Other than adding details and thinking harder on the alicorn story and some polishing of Harmony's cutie mark story, you've got a good backstory. 

 

BONUS: I like the fact you added Asperger's syndrome to all this. It gives her extra wiggle to provide creativity by letting her have a unique set of eyes through which she sees her world. I myself have autism

    Score: 8/10

 

Personality: "PAUL!!! I WANT TO DO THIS SECTION!!!! I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!!!"

"What now Sterling?! Wait YOU want to review Harmony Spark? This would undo the stability I have possessed in these reviews! People would discredit me!"

"But Paul! I have some things I want to say! They're not mean or anything! I promise!"

"Ok Sterling... but if this goes down hill, I blame you! Now get to it!"

"Thank you so much! You won't be disappointed!"

 

"Ok Harmony Spark. I hope you can hear me! By the way, I think you're very pretty and agree with Paul. Maybe in what Paul calls an alternate universe, I can hang out with you... alone? *blushes and shakes head* Sorry. Ok. Wow she has Asperger's? I'm glad I'm not the only one with a form of autism! Still, it's not random placement either! It makes sense! I can see her imagination soaring because of her Asperger's. Besides, I'm clumsy too! There's nothing wrong with being clumsy Harmony! And you're a princess too! And an artist to boot! And a tomboy! It all makes sense considering your story, which too is awesome by the way.

 

Still... I can't help but feel that she's afraid of something. It could be strangers considering she's socially awkward. But still. How about something interesting? Spiders? Ghosts? Anything else? Having that would definitely give a more understandable viewpoint towards Harmony as an alicorn.

 

Umm... that's all I have to say. It's a nice personality which ties well with her character."

       Score: 9/10

 

Thanks for the review, Sterling. I followed your advice and I made a few new tweaks to my OC. Thanks anyway, and Im not gonna lie, your OC is really cool

[Inactive01 5,299]

@Harmony Spark

"Wait... she winked at me? She winked at me? And what's that supposed to mean? Princess!! Come back here!

"Umm Sterling... you're already married. If you want me to imagine you with Princess Harmony, then I can roleplay that out for you if you promise not to embarrass yourself like that again."

"Ok... It's a deal. Bye!"

 

@Greyhawk

(I love the comic you showed of him with Rarity. Just priceless.)

Greyhawk

 

Appearance: Greyhawk looks unique from the other ponies. A good start because an OC needs to look original. His greyness I have not found in most other OCs. I also have a liking towards his mane. It's very... interesting. Definitely stands him from the rest for sure! I like the red hoof edges you give to him and the read headband he wears too. I think at this point, your OC looks great. It definitely makes him unique from the rest at this point.

    Score: 10/10

 

Backstory: Now I'm beginning to receive more orphanage stories. Not saying that they're bad per se, but the problem is that orphanage stories have been the most common themes for most OC's backstories. It ruins the originality of the story. This is not to say that orphanage stories are bad. On the contrary, if the circumstances of the orphanage and the events happening after it are clear and imaginative, then you still have a very good backstory.

 

Ok, for starters, why is he not appreciated by his fellow orphans? What made him different from the other orphans? For Oliver Twist, it was because he was smaller than the others and he was pushed to make the daring move to ask his superior, "Please sir, may I have some more?" How about your OC? For me, saying that he remembers nothing about his past is an excuse to not describe his parents. On the other hand, it can provide mystery as to what his parents were like. It's just that the card's been played so often that it just seems outdated. If you can execute the mystery well in future roleplays, that's fine though. 

 

You mention the basics of his cutie mark story, but there's still a lot of detail you can explore. How did Greyhawk meet the ghost in the first place? Was it just spontaneous, or did he do something by accident that allowed him to see the ghost? Do we know much about the ghost he meets? Did he explain Greyhawk's ability to speak to him? After all, it's a very interesting and uncommon talent Greyhawk has, which is nice for your backstory by the way. 

 

Something's also left me wondering. You've done a lot of storytelling concerning his adventures and searches for other ghosts. Have you ever thought of Greyhawk using his ability to communicate with ghosts to meet his parents? I know it sounds a bit easy and cheesy, but if you can find some way to make that a paranormal struggle, that would make your OC all the more interesting.  

 

So yeah, it sounds like a cliche backstory, but the communication with ghosts part helps to make him unique. Consider the questions I asked and it'll certainly help.

     Score: 6.5/10

 

Personality: Ok, so why was Greyhawk "sprinkled with prejudice" when he was younger? It doesn't give much detail to who he is as a pony. I also mentioned eariler that your OC's issues with other ponies at a younger age wasn't clearly explained. so it poured over to the personality section. I can see how he would have distrust towards other mares. It's pretty sad, but it can be truth for many OCs, mine included. Still, I don't understand what you mean here: 

 

By talking to ghosts he learned socialising skills and given off the wrong impression towards other ponies that he was talking to himself.

 

First off, I'm not sure what you mean here. I understand that he learned social skills, but at the same time he gives off the wrong impression. Did he learn social skills with the ghosts, or did he use his abilities to help him talk with other ponies? It sounds like you're going with the former, so I hope you reword it so that it reflects that. With that in mind, do you think he's shy? Or is he eccentric? I think he's more of the latter, but it's your choice.

 

Some polishing is needed and some extra characteristics should also be added to make your OC more special.

     Score: 7/10

@RussianRoulette

(FINALLY I GET TO YOU!!! UGH!!!)

Roulette

 

Appearance: The fact you mention a reference to a real animal was very helpful for me to imagine what your OC looked like. Thanks very much for that. You describe your character pretty well despite the fact you have no picture. However, the waves themselves can come in many shapes and sizes. It would be much appreciated if you could give me a picture of your OC so I can have an even better grasp of his appearance. Nevertheless, you add clothing as part of who he is as a character. Like the scarf that was a gift from his sister and the harness collar he almost always wears. I like that.

 

Overall, a good description, but I wish your pony wasn't completely black. It's hard for me to imagine a completely black pony, even though it is unique.

    Score: 8/10

 

Backstory: First off, I'd like to fix a typo: 

 

Roulette comes from the north, A place of snow and evergreen trees. He lived in a small village, mostly families clustered together at the base of a hot spring.

 

I shall reword it like this:

 

"Roulette is from the north, a place of snow and evergreen trees. He lives in a small village, comprised mostly of families clustered together at the base of a hot spring..."

 

Then you can describe what the hot spring was like and why the village was built around it. You can start like this if you want: "Legend has it that..." and then you can add the legend. It would make his hometown that much more interesting for development in future roleplays. I see a very cute story at the first paragraph nonetheless, and I like it. Keep that.

 

I feel sorry for his tail. Having it cut off like that. I'd love to see what it looks like before and after the cut so I can have a better feel of how significant the cut was to him as a character, especially considering how much he loved his tail. I love the fact that he continues the family tradition his parents set, but I really do wish you had a cutie mark story that came along with that. A cutie mark story has to show that decisive moment Roulette realizes that his future is to draw carriages for couples like his parents. It doesn't have to be epic, but it needs to be decisive, like Applejack's cutie mark story for instance. 

 

The fact that he is larger than other ponies results in a less than friendly welcome. It's realistic and quite original surprisingly. None of the OC stories mention of an immigrant like Roulette. I like the idea. Develop that further as you progress into your roleplays. I also have a suggestion about Roulette's sister. Can you find some way to further strengthen their love for each other as siblings? Maybe some sort of life-changing event? It doesn't have to end poorly, but it would definitely make it more interesting if you did have some event that would further magnify their love.

 

Overall, a good story, but some polishing is still needed, particularly with grammar. 

    Score: 7.5/10

 

Personality: I love how you mention Roulette as a scaredy cat despite his size. It reminds me of Lambert the Sheepish Lion from Disney. No other OC has experimented a characteristic like that yet in my reviews, so you definitely get points for originality. He is a pony who loves his family as well. That counts in the personality section, so a great consideration you placed. One small grievance is how you close the door of him establishing a relationship. It's not major if you play with that in a roleplay and help Roulette realize that he may have found the love of his life, so if you treat it like that, it shall be fine. 

 

Your OC's personality and story combined give me reminders of Dvorak's "From the New World" Symphony. I think it shall fit perfectly with your OC. Listen to it in its entirety and see what further inspiration you can endow to your OC. At this point, your OC is solid, but if you can take that small step further with your imagination, your OC will truly become special.

    Score: 8/10 

[RussianRoulette 2]

 

Thanks for the review! It will really help me flesh him out! 

 

A few things, though, 

 

His coat isn't black. It's a very dark brown, but still distinguishable from black. Only his mane,tail, hooves, and the lower parts of his front legs are black. 

 

I don't know if you know what docking is or not, but it's a thing for workhorses. They actually cut the last vertebrae in the tail, so hair won't grow past that level. That would be the reason why they needed the help of a unicorn. Magic makes things easier. (I may be mistaken on this, but I am 95% sure this is what docking is.) 

 

But, really, thank you for the critique! Sorry about the grammar- I did his bio in about an hour during math

[Geek0zoid 1,468]

If you don't mind, could you gloss over Blasted Nova for me? Link's in the signature.

It's probably not the best OC out there, but it's something.

[Greyhawk 100]

@Greyhawk

(I love the comic you showed of him with Rarity. Just priceless.)

Greyhawk

 

Appearance: Greyhawk looks unique from the other ponies. A good start because an OC needs to look original. His greyness I have not found in most other OCs. I also have a liking towards his mane. It's very... interesting. Definitely stands him from the rest for sure! I like the red hoof edges you give to him and the read headband he wears too. I think at this point, your OC looks great. It definitely makes him unique from the rest at this point.

    Score: 10/10

 

Backstory: Now I'm beginning to receive more orphanage stories. Not saying that they're bad per se, but the problem is that orphanage stories have been the most common themes for most OC's backstories. It ruins the originality of the story. This is not to say that orphanage stories are bad. On the contrary, if the circumstances of the orphanage and the events happening after it are clear and imaginative, then you still have a very good backstory.

 

Ok, for starters, why is he not appreciated by his fellow orphans? What made him different from the other orphans? For Oliver Twist, it was because he was smaller than the others and he was pushed to make the daring move to ask his superior, "Please sir, may I have some more?" How about your OC? For me, saying that he remembers nothing about his past is an excuse to not describe his parents. On the other hand, it can provide mystery as to what his parents were like. It's just that the card's been played so often that it just seems outdated. If you can execute the mystery well in future roleplays, that's fine though. 

 

You mention the basics of his cutie mark story, but there's still a lot of detail you can explore. How did Greyhawk meet the ghost in the first place? Was it just spontaneous, or did he do something by accident that allowed him to see the ghost? Do we know much about the ghost he meets? Did he explain Greyhawk's ability to speak to him? After all, it's a very interesting and uncommon talent Greyhawk has, which is nice for your backstory by the way. 

 

Something's also left me wondering. You've done a lot of storytelling concerning his adventures and searches for other ghosts. Have you ever thought of Greyhawk using his ability to communicate with ghosts to meet his parents? I know it sounds a bit easy and cheesy, but if you can find some way to make that a paranormal struggle, that would make your OC all the more interesting.  

 

So yeah, it sounds like a cliche backstory, but the communication with ghosts part helps to make him unique. Consider the questions I asked and it'll certainly help.

     Score: 6.5/10

 

Personality: Ok, so why was Greyhawk "sprinkled with prejudice" when he was younger? It doesn't give much detail to who he is as a pony. I also mentioned eariler that your OC's issues with other ponies at a younger age wasn't clearly explained. so it poured over to the personality section. I can see how he would have distrust towards other mares. It's pretty sad, but it can be truth for many OCs, mine included. Still, I don't understand what you mean here: 

 

By talking to ghosts he learned socialising skills and given off the wrong impression towards other ponies that he was talking to himself.

 

First off, I'm not sure what you mean here. I understand that he learned social skills, but at the same time he gives off the wrong impression. Did he learn social skills with the ghosts, or did he use his abilities to help him talk with other ponies? It sounds like you're going with the former, so I hope you reword it so that it reflects that. With that in mind, do you think he's shy? Or is he eccentric? I think he's more of the latter, but it's your choice.

 

Some polishing is needed and some extra characteristics should also be added to make your OC more special.

     Score: 7/10

thank you for the feedback It is an interesting review indeed and I will try to give you a few opinions I have of how you replied. Most of it good of course and one or two I probably have to explain abit more clearly of what I meant there.

 

I'm glad you love my OC's appearance .

 

Orphanage became too common huh. Hmm...I gotta rethink this part here. maybe he's adopted and his adoptive parents don't like him? Goes to school and they don't like him too? Maybe the town he's in is gloomy with some hateful ponies there with lots of ponies that don't like each other? Wow. What a awesome plot possibility.

 

Yes I have left his origin part blank deliberately so it can be exploited later on,

 

Ok let me explain the concept of how he got his cutie mark. His cutie mark is all about social communicating. I believe I have explained somewhere there that he got his cutie mark because he made a habit of talking to himself when he became lonely and yearns for a friend to talk to. He does that very often in the room. This ghost have been around and alone and it knows that no living beings can talk to it. But because of greyhawk's habit, he thought he was talking to a ghost, so he talks back. It was yearn for a friend and misunderstanding and accident that made greyhawk discovers his cutie mark.

 

There's alot of ghosts in the world he meets. I did think about exploiting the ghost's origin, but for now I just name him ghost.

I'm sure the ghost and greyhawk are as baffled of how they communicate but Greyhawk did see his cutie mark and probably figured out himself if it appears when he talked to the ghost.

 

You have a point about that question of why he was being sprinkled with prejudice. I always thought that little kids would always have prejudice towards newcomers but maybe I was wrong .

 

ok, now I can see why you didn't understand of what I meant by him giving off the wrong impression towards other ponies part. Allow me to reword that part;

 

"Greyhawk have given off the wrong impression towards other ponies when he was actually talking to a ghost. As other ponies except Greyhawk, can't see ghosts, everypony thought he was talking to himself."

 

So yes, that's what I mean.

 

Hmmm...shy and eccentric. Perhaps he is eccentric. I kinda like the sound of that. As for shyness, he can be shy towards mares as well as being cautious towards mares (believe it or not, I did try to convey that feeling of distrust towards mares in rp, like I have distrusts for some girls in real life, but, damn I can't towards rarity, because she's just that damn beautiful.) But I still stand with the idea of him wanting a friend and being grumpy that he wanted solitude. I know it's contradictory but trying imagine him being alone and him trying to sleep in a crowds of noisy ghosts. There is no off switch of his talent lol.

 

His search for parents using ghost communication huh...ah, that's right. I never thought about that. Oooh this is really good stuff.

 

Well, thanks for the feedback. This is definitely interesting point.

 

I'm liking this pony more and more. I sense something epic-ness from him. The adventure, the mystery, origin.

Edited August 31, 2013 by Greyhawk

[Inactive01 5,299]

Blasted Nova

 

Appearance: He has the same body colour as my OC . Probably a coincidence, but whatever. He looks like the everyday pony to me here. Nothing too bad because that can easily be alleviated through one's backstory and personality sections. I noticed that you had him as a human at one point. Care to find someone who can draw what he looks like as a human? That would be a huge bonus to your pony's appearance section, especially considering that he was a human previously. Also, I'd like to see what he looks like in a suit and tie. After all, it's a part of who he is. Maybe you can find someone to draw that out.

    Score: 7/10

 

Backstory: First off, how did Stephan find the magic mirror that took him to Equestria? What was his life on Earth like? What were his earthly parents like? There's a lot to play around here, so I would hope that you answer these questions first as you continue to develop your OC's backstory. How did he gain the other talents that his cutie mark possess? Were they simply transferred from the real world or did something happen in Equestria that led him to have such talents? That's something you can toy around with because the cutie mark is to reflect a character's talent. The talents could vary between Earth and Equestria, so play around with that. And how is it that he's had such a grand loyalty towards Equestria that he would guard it with his life? What happened in Equestria that fermented these feelings? 

 

So yeah. There's a lot questions that need answering, but I hope it helps you.

     Score: 3/10

 

Personality: It's a short but sweet personality section. It's very imaginable for someone like him who used to live in the real world and was transported through a portal into Equestria. Still, does he ever wonder what his parents would think? I think he'd be worried sick that his parents are worried sick too. That would be one way you can delve deeper into what you mean when you say that he gets emotional when he thinks about Earth. Think of other ways too so we can consider how we can sympathize towards your OC.

 

Also, what's his cutie mark supposed to represent? He's got a star with red laser blasts, but what does that mean? I probably wouldn't have known what Rarity's talent with diamonds was unless I knew her backstory about the "dumb rock" Once you know that, I think it'll really help your personality section because it goes into consideration his opinions on his talent and what he tends to do with them. That's a part of the personality section too. 

 

It's short but sweet, but there's some things you can add.

    Score: 7/10

[RiverHaze 27]

Hello there!

Could you please rate my main OC, RiverHaze? She's a pegasus from Cloudsdale.

Here's the link for more details and picture of her: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/riverhaze-r4336

[Inactive01 5,299]

@RiverHaze

Riverhaze

 

Appearance: Her mane reminds me of Fluttershy's mane, but it's been styled differently. With that in mind, I don't have too many problems with her mane. She looks so happy flying out of Cloudsdale and it makes me feel her sense of joy and freedom when she flies. You've even given me her detailed colour scheme in the other section, which makes me even more impressed. She looks like a nice pony, and I say her appearance is fine at this stage.

      Score: 9/10

 

Backstory: A pony with a happy story! I haven't read one of those in a long while. A welcome change from the negativity. Not saying negativity is bad though! Too many ups in a story just doesn't give that sense of overcoming the odds or a sense of hope for a better day. As you see, a balance of the two is necessary for a good backstory. Furthermore, suspense must be created for roleplaying so character development can flourish. At the same time, one must make sure their backstory makes sense and isn't missing on details that prevent the reader from enjoying the backstory as a whole.

 

With all this in mind, I want to address an isuse with her backstory. First off, I feel that the introduction of her poor abilities in mathematics was somewhat random. It felt like a passing fact that just whizzed on in your backstory. There's a lot of potential here. Here's what I imagine. Her parents are scientists. They see the world as entirely empirical other than Celestia and Luna. They believe in only facts, and their insistence on convincing RiverHaze to give a try at sciences leaves her frustrated. Otherwise, their relationship is still strong. It fits well with the fact that her parents try very hard to pique her curiosity, especially considering that you don't delve very deeply into what type of curiosity they discuss. It provides some room for familial tension, but not so much as to destroy their relationship. Maybe you can let it rise during a roleplay before letting her parents concede with her talents and likes.

 

I like how you delve into her parents moving to Las Pegasus. However, why exactly did they move to Las Pegasus? If you can delve into why they move and connect it to what her parents do for a living (which you didn't mention either), it would deepen her backstory considerably. I also like how you derive her love of fall with a story. However, I wish you developed her cutie mark story a bit more. Let it grow because it denotes how she discovered her talent. There must be a very interesting story about that! Lastly, when did she find Quake? You say she found her in a bush, but what was she doing then? How did she know there was a stray pet there? There's so much to explore here! You can ferment her love towards Quake and make her life Applejack's Winona or Pinkie's Gummy!

 

Overall, Develop on her backstory a bit more. There's a lot of good things, but you should grow them!

    Score: 6.7/10

 

Personality: Her personality fits well with her backstory. She is naturally shy, but she's not Fluttershy-shy (if you know what I mean). I can see her not being very comforted at parties as well. Her politeness and curiosity also stands out, but at the same time, what type of curiosity is she most focused on? There's a whole array of things she can be curious about! Science, fall, weather making... Be specific about it! I also like how you add weaknesses to her, from pessimism to laziness. However, I don't see much pessimism in her, considering how happy her foalhood was.  She also has knowledge of pony history and literature, but how much? Describe that with an anecdote. Do the same with her weaknesses and her other characteristics.

 

You've got the traits, but delve into a short story to describe an example of her personality in action. It makes it much easier to imagine in your OC.

     Score: 7.5/10 

[Inactive01 5,299]

Ok... This place feels like a ghost town right now... and yet there's so many people wanting their OCs reviewed. Time to bump! People, if you want your OCs reviewed, come here! I've got time!

[GreyScholar 1,584]

This character is for more adventure and combat setting, and because combat is one of my weak points in roleplays I haven't really used her at all. Also I apologize but I don't currently have a picture for her, though I can perhaps get one.

------------

 

Name: Scarlet Beat

Age: 18

Race: Pegasus

Gender: Filly

Appearance: A cheerful filly with a deep red mane and tail as well as a light red coat.

Talent: The determination to see herself through all challenges and obstacles, to never give up and always move forward even if she loses.

Cutie Mark: A heart surrounded in flames

Personality: This filly has a lot of passion inside of her and is always up for trying something new and going up against others. She is friendly and open, always seeing even her rivals as possible friends and has been willing to stick up for others no matter how they may have treated her in the past.

 

Bio: From a young age she wanted to be strong like her mother Ivory Cord, who for quite some time was weak because of sickness. Scarlet's mother was considered extremely gifted, and was well know by many... but she grew sick and was unable to move like she used to. Scarlet watched as he mother did what she could, moving was much as she could through dancing and eventually fighting. Her mother overcame her sickness and was even able to become stronger then she was before. Yet it would seem she disappeared, her parting words to her daughter Scarlet being that when she becomes strong enough they would meet again.

Scarlet didn't have many friends at first, being something of a shy filly, but while growing up was able to gain a few good friends that taught her to never give up. With their help she practiced fighting and dancing, working to make herself strong even though she was small for her age. Working hard, even though others told her to give up, she showed great potential herself. She discovered her talent during an extremely hard fight, where she was getting quite beat up. Even though it hurt she would not give up and was able to beat the one she was fighting through shear determination. Ever since then she has used her talent well, not stopping no matter the odds. All in hope of finding and meeting her mother Ivory again... to face and defeat her mother in battle.

 

Family: Ivory Cord, a mare pegasus that disappeared many years ago but is whispered in awe almost as legend. Her grace, beauty, and strength truly greater then any other fighter... her skill like a dance and her abilities beyond compare. Is currently going by the title the White Angel, and Scarlet does not know this.

 

Scarlet's aunt Onyx Wing who she lived with for quite some time, who lives a surprisingly quiet life compared to her sister Ivory.

Other: Is a skilled and extremely fast fighter, as well as a good dancer. Loves to see what other can do and seems to even be able to adapt the techniques of those she fights and makes them her own moves if given enough time to study her opponents during a battle.

[Inactive01 5,299]

@EquestrianScholar

Scarlet Beat

 

Appearance: I would like to see what this cheery mare looks like. A nearly completely red mare though. I wish she had another colour for her body, but if the mare's appearance is still okay, then you don't have to worry about it. I also advise you to consider creating that cheerful expression as you continue to work on her appearance.

Score: 8/10

 

Backstory: The first thing I want to say about your OC's backstory is that I want to know what you mean by strong for her mother. Was she physically or mentally strong? Does it consider the struggles she went through with her sickness? Also, what type of sickness was it, or is that to be a secret? If that's a secret, then I like the suspense. Still, I would suggest you go deeper into the sickness itself. It would definitely provide impetus for your OC to be stronger and explain to the reader how she got that strength. Also what happened during the disappearance? Why would her mother leave her like that? I think that at least needs another detail on the disappearance. You don't have to cover all the details of the disappearance, but you could at least give us some backgrounf info on the even and keep the suspense up at the same time.

 

I like how you mention her friends as supporters for her. Even though she has few friends, there are still those who support her. However, have they played a role in helping Scarlet cope with her mother's disappearance?  You haven't even mentioned her friends and and how they could be connected as helpers towards Scarlet. Also, how did Scarlet react to her mother's disappearance? Surely there was some angst and sadness? 

 

Some work's needed on the mother story. Also, how about her relationship with her father? What happened to him? You never mentioned him at all. So yeah, quite a ways to go, but it's a good start.

Score: 5/10

 

Personality: Does her passion ever get her into sticky situations? Does she have any other interesting traits that would fit her character? You mentioned that she's shy, so you could add to that here. How is she towards stallions? Has her view of life been impacted by her mother's disappearance in any way? That can be added into the personality section too. Overall, you can expand more on this section, but what you have isn't bad.

Score: 7/10

[Moved to Elsewhere 11,331]

Here we go, dang you character limit. I'm not good at thinking of this kind of stuff, so this might not be the best or original idea but still look at it anyway 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/camou-flage-r4512

[Inactive01 5,299]

Camou Flage

 

Appearance: His appearance certainly fits his name. He has a camo look and it fits the fact that he wants to be camouflaged. The only grievance I have is his mouth. It just seems so lightly coloured compared to the rest of his body. Other than that, he certainly looks ready to handle the rigors of the wild.

Score: 8.5/10

 

Backstory: I have much advice for your backstory. The first thing you have to do when you're making a backstory is to ask many questions. For example, when I read your backstory, the first question I ask concerns his parents. What did his parents do? How was his relationship with them? Did anything happen to his parents? You mention that his parents wanted him to be more sporty, but why? Much of that can be answered through his parents' occupations and worldviews.

 

The next question I ask concerns his cutie mark. How did he get his cutie mark (this also applies to you EquestrianScholar)? Why did he hide his cutie mark like that? You mentioned that he wanted to provide a false sense of a liking towards sports and his issues with his parents, but at the same time, the paint can't last for long right? Plus, his parents already knew about his cutie mark. Then there's the book itself. Why a book? Could you be more specific with his intelligence? What type of intelligence? Could he simply be able to memorize information a lot? That would require an open book or a brain as a cutie mark. 

 

Finally, why lie about his story? Did he fear something in Cloudsdale when he moved? Why did he choose to move to Cloudsdale if there's supposed to be so many athletic pegasi there? Couldn't he have moved to Manehattan or Canterlot instead? Also, what would also make his story more interesting is considering his name. Camou Flage. Can be hide himself during combat? Can he create a facade of himself? Is this what you were trying to hack away at with his lies on his talent? If so, make it clearer. Do something with it. Think harder on his story and consider what situations would bring him to his facade. It can provide a lot of room for character development for a roleplay or a fanfic.

 

Overall, a very long way to go, but I hope these questions will help.

Score: 3/10

 

Personality: You added some basic traits that make him unique, including his intelligence and his poor ability in sports. You also add sarcasm, which is nice. However, have you considered fears? Maybe a fear of predators because he fears that he would be found out? Think of a fear that is associated with a revealing... an increase in vulnerability because his facade would be broken. That would fit well with my suggested backstory. Also, have you considered how he fares with mares? How shy is he? How scared is he of the world? 

 

Think of some more characteristics that add more dimensions to his character. A good start. but you need to think more on it.

Score: 5/10