[Open] Feedback for your OC for Roleplaying!

[ovr9000percentcooler 107]

I would love feedback on Sidesplitter if you don't mind

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/sidesplitter-r4732

[Hastur 505]

I would like a review for my oc Subject 888

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/subject-888-r4878

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

Could you now review my latest OC Rocket. I would like some feedback before I put him in an RP. 

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/rocket-r4838

[Bronyette 835]

If you could could you review my OC Pixie Dust? Her backstory is intertwined with all of my other characters, with them all having different viewpoints... But you can just read hers.

 

Her link is in my siggy.

 

Just a note: Since she was the youngest when her family broke apart she doesn't really know too much about what happened. My older characters go into more detail, but she wasn't old enough to understand. Sorry if parts are sort of vague.

Edited November 19, 2013 by Bronyette

[Inactive01 5,299]

Oh my God I am experiencing massive influx of OC reviews. I must close for now. I'll open once again once I get through all these reviews! Just take note that I may be slow because of work!

 

@Aerodynas

 

Appearance: Looks quite generic, but her colours could represent a rural upbringing and thus represent a down-to-earth personality. It's a nice start because an OC doesn't have to be extremely artistic. In fact, I was wondering. Are those pictures I see on the OC's profile page your own? If so, then it's not too shabby! Other than that, I don't have much else to say here. Nice looking, nothing too extravagant.

Score: 8/10

 

Backstory: The first half of your OC's backstory reminds me of The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. A lot of similarities, except for the fact they didn't go through a Great Depression (well maybe they did...). Your OC's story is certainly a change from most other stories that portray really sad backstories. Your OC's story reminds me of another OC's backstory, Harmony Spark. Both had initial struggles, but both of them came through in their own respective way. I don't mind that so long as you can find some other aspect of your character to work with for future struggles and experiences. Other than that, you provided a lot of necessary details and the like to help me understand her story well Good work.

Score: 7/10 (Gave a 7 because maybe you can introduce another conflict while she's in Canterlot or something).

 

Personality:  "The mare's smarter than she looks." How? Develop on this if you want to say it! Don't leave us wondering! Also, I feel that you could provide her with some weaknesses in her personality. I mean, no pony's perfect right? For example, I can understand her passion for singing and dancing! How about she translate that into her character by providing her with some eccentricity? Maybe not as severe as Pinkie Pie, but provide her with some more excitement. She's outgoing, so maybe she can have an affinity towards parties! 

 

Just develop a few more traits that reflect from her backstory and you'll be fine.

Score: 7/10

[Aerodynas 439]

@@Sterling Crimson,

 

Those drawings are Rose Shimmer's. I drew a few others of Sunny myself under a different thread heheh

Hmm... yeah, I should probably continue a little more with her backstory. It would help it a lot.

I see you reminded me of the issue I was going to fix a while back but forgot. Thank ya kindly. Her personality definitely needs some work. I think I was a little too vague in certain parts. I was a lot more detailed with the rest of her family though haha

[MrPandaa 204]

 

 

Thanks for the comments! I find it quite flattering! However, I can only review one OC at the time due to time constraints and the like! So which OC do you wish for me to review?

Alright, that makes sense.  In that case, could you review Shadow Footsteps?  I feel that he's the most "broken," and not in an entirely good way...

And, I'm glad you're flattered--you should be!  This is a great service that you're giving out for free! 

[Inactive01 5,299]

@ovr9000percentcooler

 

Sidesplitter

 

Appearance: Too bad he doesn't have a picture. It would be very nice if you had a picture of your OC. Your description isn't the best either. I mean, you should go into his possible outfits, or something like that. Like I said, a picture is worth a 1000 words.

Score: Unsure unless I see a picture.

 

Backstory: Your backstory's extremely vague. Just a typical tragic OC backstory. I'm fine with those so long as you provide enough details on what actually happened. That's what makes a backstory interesting. Without it, people like me will wonder why you made an OC page in the first place. Here's some questions I would suggest for you as starters:

• "Where did she get her love for comedy?"
• "What exactly was this tragic event your OC and her family went through?"
• "Why is she called Sidesplitter? For a comedian, I was hoping for a brighter, funnier name."
• "Any particular stories you want to share with her interactions with other ponies?"

These questions and more will really help your OC develop.

Score: 2/10

 

Personality: This section's a little bit better. You delve nicely into the fact she's a comedian, and the traits you give her show that well, like her tendencies for pranks and conversations. How about parties? How about cakes?! How about... something else?! You can add things to it. You know how Pinkie Pie has her "Pinkie Sense"? Why don't you come up with something wacky and original for her? 

 

A lot better than her backstory, but a good backstory can develop a better personality for her.

Score: 5/10

[Bronyette 835]

Wow! You are so good at this, you review them all in lightning speed.

[Inactive01 5,299]

Wow! You are so good at this, you review them all in lightning speed.

Well I'm reviewing them at lightning speed because this is the time of day where I focus on that

 

The rest of the day is either devoted to classes or to papers! I have 3 2500 word papers to write you know?!

[MrPandaa 204]

 

 

The rest of the day is either devoted to classes or to papers! I have 3 2500 word papers to write you know?!

Woah, that's a lot of words!  What class is that for, if you don't mind me asking? 

[Bronyette 835]

Well I'm reviewing them at lightning speed because this is the time of day where I focus on that

 

The rest of the day is either devoted to classes or to papers! I have 3 2500 word papers to write you know?!

Shouldn't be too incredibly difficult for you, you have a talent in writing. I love to read your reviews even though they aren't of my characters, the flow of your words or something makes it all sound just wonderful.

[ovr9000percentcooler 107]

@ovr9000percentcooler

 

Sidesplitter

 

Appearance: Too bad he doesn't have a picture. It would be very nice if you had a picture of your OC. Your description isn't the best either. I mean, you should go into his possible outfits, or something like that. Like I said, a picture is worth a 1000 words.

Score: Unsure unless I see a picture.

 

Backstory: Your backstory's extremely vague. Just a typical tragic OC backstory. I'm fine with those so long as you provide enough details on what actually happened. That's what makes a backstory interesting. Without it, people like me will wonder why you made an OC page in the first place. Here's some questions I would suggest for you as starters:

• "Where did she get her love for comedy?"
• "What exactly was this tragic event your OC and her family went through?"
• "Why is she called Sidesplitter? For a comedian, I was hoping for a brighter, funnier name."
• "Any particular stories you want to share with her interactions with other ponies?"

These questions and more will really help your OC develop.

Score: 2/10

 

Personality: This section's a little bit better. You delve nicely into the fact she's a comedian, and the traits you give her show that well, like her tendencies for pranks and conversations. How about parties? How about cakes?! How about... something else?! You can add things to it. You know how Pinkie Pie has her "Pinkie Sense"? Why don't you come up with something wacky and original for her?

 

A lot better than her backstory, but a good backstory can develop a better personality for her.

Score: 5/10

Agh, backstory. I'll definitely work on that.

 

Also, I can't draw, but I'm hoping to get some artwork maybe, so possibly I could make her a lot better as a character.

 

EDIT: @Sterling Crimson

 

Updated the backstory, makes a LOT more sense imo.

Edited November 19, 2013 by ovr9000percentcooler

[Doc. Volt 2,561]

ehi thank you very much! i know the story is really messed up.. i rwrote if from my stream of counsciusnedd in some minutes, i will rewrite soon... volt lost his memories whene teleported to equstria... he found him self as a pegasus flying in a storm... then he got strucked.. i will rewrite also for the double side personality.. is exactely what i thought (and what i am lik ) this evening i'll rewrite everything

[Inactive01 5,299]

Woah, that's a lot of words!  What class is that for, if you don't mind me asking? 

It's for field biology (migration of the desert locust), music history (analysis of a classical piece), and history of science (Circulatory system).

Subject 888

 

Appearance: For a subject, he looks really plain. I was hoping you'd add some other props and feather that would really make him stand out as a subject. It provides a foundation for the theme of belonging and isolation as an entity bourne out of experimentation (at least, that's what I was thinking you were doing before I had a first glance of your backstory. Correct me if I'm wrong ). What I'm trying to say is that he looks quite generic. Nothing wrong with that if you can really make him stand out as an experiment in your OC's personality and backstory. Nevertheless, think of some features that would make him stand out more.

Score: 7/10

 

Backstory: You're only the second person I've encountered who wrote in first person. It's a nice thing to do because he's telling the story in his perspective, which provides suspense and speculation as to how the other characters in the backstory saw him. I still have some questions though:

• What's the blue and orange liquid supposed to be? What does HE THINK it's supposed to be?
• What was he supposed to kill? Why exactly are the scientists from HTOU wanting to do this project anyway? Did they ever say to him? Was he ever suspicious of his masters before the revelations that they lied to him?
• He came up with quite a nice plan to escape the prison. How did he react to reaching Equestria? Does he have any plans against this corporation you speak of? Did he ever come up with some sort of career for himself, or did you want to leave that up in the air for a roleplay or a story?
• How did he implement his whole plan? Was he ever close to failing? Were there any suspenseful moments in his execution?

I feel a lot of these questions will help your OC's backstory a lot. It's a good start nevertheless.

Score: 7/10

 

Personality: Short sentences for his personality, which is nice. I get some sense of him being a spy, but did you ever come up with other personality traits? Like these:

• Is he a ninja? Is he a spy of sorts? Does he ever get tempted by pretty women? Is he easily seduced or is he seductive himself?
• Is he socially awkward, or does he get along really well with other stallions and mares? Does he tend to speak himself too highly, showering himself with a refined sense of pride?

There's some questions for you.

Score: 7/10

[MrPandaa 204]

 

 

It's for field biology (migration of the desert locust), music history (analysis of a classical piece), and history of science (Circulatory system).

Wow, those sound interesting!  I don't want to keep you from your work, so good luck!

[Inactive01 5,299]

Rocket

 

Appearance: Is it just me, or do you have some sort of formula when you're making your OCs? It's no matter because I can see the style you like to place on your OCs. You love those OCs that brace the fast life in racing and related careers. And I can see that in this OC (at least, in my first impressions). For a moment, I thought this OC was a legitimate pony covered with equipment until I read his backstory. I like the design to say the least. For a robot, it's quite original and I can still see his pony essence which could become a foundation for an identity crisis.

Score: 9/10

 

Backstory: You've focused a lot on his heart condition that he had received before birth. But there isn't much about his life after that. For a story like this one to thrive, you really have to hack more at his life after the operation that would keep his life intact.

• How did the operation affect the mother? How did she see her colt, now that he was a robot?
• How did the mother initially react to having to remove most of the pony's body (Wait... he doesn't really have a body as a pony just born...?)
• What changes did your OC have to go through as he grew up? 
• How did him becoming his robot affect his chances to live a normal life in Equestria? Consider his social life and his ability to get a job perhaps?
• Provide an anecdote about his difficulties with finding his identity perhaps?

There's some things I hope will help!

Score: 6/10

 

Personality: Ok... so he has Asperger's. That belongs to his backstory. The traits associated with his condition belong in the personality section. And that is what you should add, which I think you already did in some ways. You ever considered how his sadness takes root and how it plays out? That can be integrated into your OC's personality section. How about his shows of compassion? I would think that he does it quietly, so you can add that if you want. Also, how is he misunderstood?

 

Some nice stuff, but clarification is needed.

Score: 6/10

[Doc. Volt 2,561]

Ok i completely rewrited my back story (half an hours and 7 word pages)... it's again in the signature... there is a link to scribs inside.. i used it so i could keep paragraph division.. thank you!

btw i used a fake mail on scrib so don't try to contact me from here XD

[Inactive01 5,299]

Ok i completely rewrited my back story (half an hours and 7 word pages)... it's again in the signature... there is a link to scribs inside.. i used it so i could keep paragraph division.. thank you!

btw i used a fake mail on scrib so don't try to contact me from here XD

I only mark OCs once, but for edits and remarks, I will use PMs to contact you personally about them. Just keep in mind that people who haven't gotten their OCs marked at least once get priority.

[Doctor Ham 2]

Ah....hell I was resisting, but a little nagging bug in my head keeps wanting to share Alloy Shaper. That said, if you're entirely unfamiliar with Fallout: Equestria, I don't know how much sense her story will make.

Edited November 19, 2013 by Doctor Ham

[Inactive01 5,299]

Ah....hell I was resisting, but a little nagging bug in my head keeps wanting to share Alloy Shaper. That said, if you're entirely unfamiliar with Fallout: Equestria, I don't know how much sense it'll make.

I haven't read Fallout Equestria unfortunately. How important is it for me to understand the character? Cause this is the place where you get reviewed for roleplaying or fanfiction situations that are based off MLP:FiM's canonical world.

[Doctor Ham 2]

I haven't read Fallout Equestria unfortunately. How important is it for me to understand the character? Cause this is the place where you get reviewed for roleplaying or fanfiction situations that are based off MLP:FiM's canonical world.

Well, her backstory explains nothing of the setting, but keeping in mind "post-apocalyptic hellhole" probably goes a long way (though her story has precious little of the light and hope of the original fic).

 

At the same time, if you want to give her a pass, I completely understand. Didn't know you were trying specifically to focus on FiM canon OCs, which is my fault for not really paying attention.

[Inactive01 5,299]

Well, her backstory explains nothing of the setting, but keeping in mind "post-apocalyptic hellhole" probably goes a long way (though her story has precious little of the light and hope of the original fic).

 

At the same time, if you want to give her a pass, I completely understand. Didn't know you were trying specifically to focus on FiM canon OCs, which is my fault for not really paying attention.

 

Ahhh... I honestly wanted to focus on canon made OCs because I can analyze them the best. I'm just worried I can't give a fair review if it's based on a fan-fic.

[Doctor Ham 2]

Ahhh... I honestly wanted to focus on canon made OCs because I can analyze them the best. I'm just worried I can't give a fair review if it's based on a fan-fic.

All good then, don't worry about it.

[ReverieRiver 526]

Could you perhaps take a look at my OC Ariel? She's become one of my favorites so far, and I'd like to have a second opinion on her.

 

Note: I may have left a few details out of her backstory by accident that can be found in my other character Galatea's backstory. It might be a good idea to read both of them to get a good idea of the series of events that I had in mind while writing Ariel's backstory. Both of them are linked in my signature, but if looking at them both for the backstory is too much of a bother, it's fine if you just read Ariel's.