Is it okay not to want a relationship?

[Hypn0ticD 1,213]

I'm in the same boat as you are. And I'm pushing 30! I see nothing wrong with not wanting to enter a relationship if you truly feel no interest. Like others have said, to want a relationship should come on your terms, and only if and when you want it.

 

Also, NEVER, EVER, let anyone "hook you up"! That's just a bad idea all around!

[Shanks 10,816]

There is nothing with not wanting a relationship, if you are not interested than it is not fair to you or to anyone else to force it. I myself have mixed feelings about it on one hand loneliness and sexual frustration are making me go "I need woman, I want" but the rational side of me is saying "yes those things are great but I need to get my life in order first." Balancing those two sides is not easy and I sometimes wish I could turn that other side of me off and just flip the switch back on at a more convenient time but I can't do that.

[EP1C N3RD 45]

I'm in high school and everyone is hugging there girlfriend and kissing I think they need to get a room and that they REALLY don't love each other but are just in a superficial relationship.

[spaghettinoodles 298]

Of course it's "okay"! You should live your life in whatever way makes you happy. I actually can't stand the thought of being married and I never actually think about relationships until I start to have feelings for someone.

[Passion 3,484]

To actually want a relationship is to welcome disappointment after disappointment, not to mention loneliness if you're not so lucky as to obtain a relationship in the first place.

 

Nothing comes free. You cannot expect gains without putting in a bit of effort. And know this, that each consecutive disappointment is easier to withstand.

 

The sooner a person realizes that there's nothing to lose in trying, the better. Face the facts: You can simply approach the idea with courage, because who knows, maybe you'll succeed, if not this time then another. Or you can resign and gain nothing, never learning what you've missed. But the truth is, if you won't try, you'll never gain anything. If you like somebody, you should just try.

 

~~~

 

Chesher's 100% right in this case. Though I'd rather say that people are rather unaware of what they want, rather than who they are. I mean, define relationship? What does relationship mean to you and do you really, but honestly embrace everything that you'd describe?

 

I won't say I'm old myself. But those ~6 years ago... I'll say it this way, around 4 or so years were enough for me to diametrically change my views concerning relationships.

 

But back to the topic, if you don't want relationship now, it's fine. But as Chesher says, you'll nearly for sure change mind in future. People are not loners. Even if they try, they still need somebody to announce it to. (Not sure how does this apply to elderly people, I'll tell you in 55 years hopefully.) Paradox, I'd say.

 

Oh, and one more important thing. Distinguish 'charmed state' from love.

 

@EarthbendingProdigy

 

It's typical. Even looking at Maslow's hierarchy of needs...:

 

 

...getting life in order, to gain security and peace of mind, is fundamental for trying to fulfill relationship needs. And, at least for me, it's completely true.

Edited September 6, 2013 by Khajiit

[~Chaos~ 3,967]

It's totally fine, it's your choice!

 

I can actually see why you wouldn't want one in some ways, the problems it causes and all that.

 

For me personally, I may want one one day, but only when it's a good time. 

[GhostPony750 959]

It's 100% normal, since I actually do the same thing.

 

All the girls are after me but I just ignore the situation. I actually need more time, I'm not interested for now. Maybe you need some time too, you will probably feel the need to have a girl/boyfriend one day.

[EP1C N3RD 45]

Nothing comes free. You cannot expect gains without putting in a bit of effort. And know this, that each consecutive disappointment is easier to withstand.

 

The sooner a person realizes that there's nothing to lose in trying, the better. Face the facts: You can simply approach the idea with courage, because who knows, maybe you'll succeed, if not this time then another. Or you can resign and gain nothing, never learning what you've missed. But the truth is, if you won't try, you'll never gain anything. If you like somebody, you should just try.

 

~~~

 

Chesher's 100% right in this case. Though I'd rather say that people are rather unaware of what they want, rather than who they are. I mean, define relationship? What does relationship mean to you and do you really, but honestly embrace everything that you'd describe?

 

I won't say I'm old myself. But those ~6 years ago... I'll say it this way, around 4 or so years were enough for me to diametrically change my views concerning relationships.

 

But back to the topic, if you don't want relationship now, it's fine. But as Chesher says, you'll nearly for sure change mind in future. People are not loners. Even if they try, they still need somebody to announce it to. (Not sure how does this apply to elderly people, I'll tell you in 55 years hopefully.) Paradox, I'd say.

 

Oh, and one more important thing. Distinguish 'charmed state' from love.

I'm fine with a platonic relationship just not a committed typical romantic type of relationship. I'm not really afraid of commitment just my personality and mild narcissism gets the best of me.

[Envy 6,192]

At 17, I would have said some very similar things. Fast forward to today and I'm in love and very lonely.

 

I know it's annoying to be told that it's likely to change, but it is.

 

Although, if it doesn't, I wouldn't see any reason to see it as not okay.

[Passion 3,484]

I'm fine with a platonic relationship just not a committed typical romantic type of relationship. I'm not really afraid of commitment just my personality and mild narcissism gets the best of me.

 

Completely fine I guess. No matter how much I wouldn't like to say that, perception of those things changes with age and/or experience :/ (One of the most annoying sentences in this world, but unfortunately true). You'll see how it goes in your case

[RockinRarity 1,605]

I belong to a religion where men and women have the choice to make vows to remain single for the rest of their lives.

 

It makes people scratch their heads, and it makes people wonder how in the world they could ever choose to never be romantically involved with anyone ever again.

 

But people choose to be that way, and that is a fine way of life.

 

I do concur with those who are saying that you may change your mind. Maybe you're not wild about the physical affection that people give to one another, but perhaps you come to realize that you like it when someone can spend a lot of time with you. But that's just an example of how you can mature and change.

 

But maybe you won't change your mind. Maybe you'll just not be in a relationship with anyone, and you'll be perfectly content with that.

 

It's your life. No one can make you be in a relationship.

[Guest]

Personally I don't think you should be pressured into any kind of relationship, you should do so on your own terms; when you're ready, not when other people want you to be ready.

[crazitaco 596]

You know, i've been kinda thinking about this myself lately... Throughout my life, i was never a romantic person and i hardly showed any interest in dating. I felt the same as you really. I've only had one relationship in my life, and hated having to constantly maintain that relationship. Truth is, i really had to force myself to maintain it. My boyfriend was very extroverted and liked to text. I always dreaded having to respond, but did so anyway because i knew it was important. He always wanted to kiss, and i couldn't stand kissing, it felt awkward and uncomfortable for me. He was very "high maintenance" from an introvert standpoint. He was a nice guy, but completely wrong person for me, personality wise. Here's what i learned....Real relationships aren't about kissing, romance, and all that superficial crap you see in school that is deterring you.  It should be about finding the right person, someone who truly understands you and who will be by your side through everything. Of course, you'll never find that right person if you don't ever attempt, and it will take experimentation just for you to KNOW what who it is you're searching for. Its a beautiful thing really, and i would be lying if i said it didn't pique my curiosity now.

 

Anyway, my advice to you is don't force yourself into anything that makes you unhappy. But at the same time, don't close yourself off to new experiences either. I completely understand that introvert feel because I am one, a very far end one. But introversion and other personality traits should never be used as an excuses for anything. You'll never know how you actually feel about relationships if you never try, so just wait a few years until all the stupid high school romance crap is over and then try to find the ideal person that is compatible with your personality needs. And if, after trying, you decide that you would rather be alone, don't feel bad. Embrace it with open arms. Some people really are just happier on their own, so don't factor out the chance that you might be too.

Edited September 6, 2013 by crazitaco

[Not_A_Replicant 109]

Hmm... I don't want to say anything that I might regret on this post so I'll keep it short. In my opinion, life is pointless without relationships. Now, I AM NOT saying that your life is pointless, so don't be insulted. What I'm trying to say is that humanity has survived because of our relationships with others. We get through problems because our relationships with our fellow man. We reproduce because of relationships that we have with our spouses. I can see why you don't want one now, and currently I don't either, my heart has been broken too many times, but I do want one eventually. Has anything caused you to think like this or is it purely choice? I'd love to help.

[Dusknight Haze 161]

...What I'm trying to say is that humanity has survived because of our relationships with others. We get through problems because our relationships with our fellow man. We reproduce because of relationships that we have...

 

While I agree with this basic assumption about the natural state of humans, you must keep in mind that we no longer exist in our natural state and with our natural normalities; the very fact that something like asexuality even existing is a testament to the changes that human society brings upon our understanding of relationships.

I don't think it's inherent to have romantic relationships with other people anymore at this point in our development. It certainly is a focus, but nowhere near as important as it used to be, and in some ways, it is now detrimental; regardless of what our opinions are of relationships, at their base level, they're a chemical function designed to make us make children, and there are definitely enough of those in the world.

 

Does that mean I think it's healthy to be alone forever in most cases? Probably not. But there's no reason to be enthused about romantic relationships either.

I also second @that_cool_nerd_js' offer of assistance. If anyone wants to talk about the subject privately, I'm game to assist you in understanding things you feel you may not have a grasp of, or at least just offering a helping ear.

[Thrashy 2,800]

Nothing comes free. You cannot expect gains without putting in a bit of effort. And know this, that each consecutive disappointment is easier to withstand. The sooner a person realizes that there's nothing to lose in trying, the better. Face the facts: You can simply approach the idea with courage, because who knows, maybe you'll succeed, if not this time then another. Or you can resign and gain nothing, never learning what you've missed. But the truth is, if you won't try, you'll never gain anything. If you like somebody, you should just try.

 

I assume you gathered from my post that I was speaking as someone who's never been in a relationship before, but this is not the case. The message I was getting at was more on the side of "it's not all it's cracked up to be", because really, it's not. Or at least, it wasn't for me - my past relationships led to such soul-staining disappointment that I'm forever doomed to face the fact that any future relationships I attempt will inevitably go down the same road. That whole "there's somebody out there for everyone" nonsense is nothing more than a cruel, cruel lie to people like me; you know how every once in a while you'll come across a piece of a jigsaw puzzle that somehow got wet, becoming deformed and forever rendered unable to link with any other piece in any sort of meaningful way? I am the human version of that.

 

At the end of the day, I wish more than anything that I could have the OP's utter lack of interest in searching for a meaningful relationship. At the risk of sounding like a complete emo, it really does seem to be true what they say; that he who expects nothing is truly blessed.

Edited September 6, 2013 by Thrashy

[RockinRarity 1,605]

I assume you gathered from my post that I was speaking as someone who's never been in a relationship before, but this is not the case. The message I was getting at was more on the side of "it's not all it's cracked up to be", because really, it's not. Or at least, it wasn't for me - my past relationships led to such soul-staining disappointment that I'm forever doomed to face the fact that any future relationships I attempt will inevitably go down the same road. That whole "there's somebody out there for everyone" nonsense is nothing more than a cruel, cruel lie to people like me; you know how every once in a while you'll come across a piece of a jigsaw puzzle that somehow got wet, becoming deformed and forever rendered unable to link with any other piece in any sort of meaningful way? I am the human version of that.

 

At the end of the day, I wish more than anything that I could have the OP's utter lack of interest in searching for a meaningful relationship. At the risk of sounding like a complete emo, it really does seem to be true what they say; that he who expects nothing is truly blessed.

For what it's worth, I don't believe in the "there is someone out there for everyone" nonsense either, but for very practical reasons.

 

First is that there are people who choose to be forever celibate for religious reasons. Paul in the New Testament spoke often about how it was better for him to be single and recommends it for people who can handle it.

 

Secondly, that statement assumes that destiny or whatever has taken over and given us little say in who we marry - and that the choice that we make might be wrong. That isn't to say that you can marry whoever and it will go well no matter what, but that mindset can drive people to believe that they married "the wrong person" as soon as things get unsettling.

 

However, you seem bitter. Just because you were in relationships that went sour it doesn't mean that you are "destined" to have bad relationships for the rest of your life.

 

Seriously, why do people believe in destiny anyways? There are consequences to actions but those consequences do not need to burden us for the rest of our lives.

 

Learn from your mistakes and move on. Learn from former lovers' mistakes and move on. Go listen to Carry On by FUN.

 

I have one ex boyfriend and I gave my heart to several other guys that did not reciprocate my love (or infatuation, whatever). I have moved on from that and I am getting married in a month and a half. I learned from my own mistakes and made sure not to make most of the same mistakes. I made a point to change my behavior in order to have a fulfilling relationship with my soon-to-be husband. I made a point to watch out for behavior that was not healthy for me to be around, and found that my man does not behave the same way that my former guys did towards me.

 

Life is full of choices. What happened in the past cannot be changed, but the past does not discern the entirety of your future.

[EP1C N3RD 45]

Hmm... I don't want to say anything that I might regret on this post so I'll keep it short. In my opinion, life is pointless without relationships. Now, I AM NOT saying that your life is pointless, so don't be insulted. What I'm trying to say is that humanity has survived because of our relationships with others. We get through problems because our relationships with our fellow man. We reproduce because of relationships that we have with our spouses. I can see why you don't want one now, and currently I don't either, my heart has been broken too many times, but I do want one eventually. Has anything caused you to think like this or is it purely choice? I'd love to help.

No, nothing bad has happened to me and when I mean relationships I mean committed romantic type of relationship. Romance in general just doesn't interest me and I really don't like dealing with other people's bullshit. I am somewhat of a charming narcissist so I expect unconditional love( on their part not on mine). I am not being celibate as I am agnostic. I also still have relationships with family and friends but I just don't want a girlfriend.

[Not_A_Replicant 109]

No, nothing bad has happened to me and when I mean relationships I mean committed romantic type of relationship. Romance in general just doesn't interest me and I really don't like dealing with other people's bullcrap. I am somewhat of a charming narcissist so I expect unconditional love( on their part not on mine). I am not being celibate as I am agnostic. I also still have relationships with family and friends but I just don't want a girlfriend.

Real love is unconditional. If its not unconditional it's not love. (Learned that the hard way.) I do like that point of view on it.

[Fluttershyfan94 5,742]

It's ok to not want a relationship, I was that way for a long time. I did not want one, I just didn't feel the need, so I tried avoiding all feelings towards other humans. Which worked incredibly well, in fact so well that I ended up friendless and have a hard time connecting with people on an emotional level. Had no problems with that either, I still realized at that point when I became a brony that this isolation I was doing to myself couldn't last forever, it had already lasted for years. I didn't want to end it actually, something just changed. I started to be more interested in making friends and suddenly.. Relationships too.

 

I don't know if I'll ever have a relationship, the interest is there but still, I always looked at it this way. Getting a girlfriend will just ruin everything and I thought I couldn't anyway. Truth is I can, I just never had the interest and it even ruined a few opportunities. Basically what I'm saying is that it's ok to not want a relationship but do so because you don't want it. Not because you think you can't have one since it will most likely prevent you from having one. I suck so bad at socializing that I'll probably never have one and that's fine by me. Since girls aren't really my priority anyway, my priorities are money and cars. It doesn't mean I don't want one, it's just I don't really care that much about it.

Edited September 6, 2013 by Fluttershyfan94

[TheMangoPony 146]

You're darn right it's ok not to want a relationship. I certainly don't want one. Nothing wrong there. Some people put way too much value on a relationship. Some people only value themselves if they are in one, and tend to bounce from relationship to relationship, and they are often bad relationships to boot. I'm sure we all know a couple people like this. (then when they are out of it, they panic because they aren't used to being alone and often end up in another bad relationship)

 

What matters is that one loves themselves, no matter what. I'm of the belief that one should find their love for themselves before they even begin to enter a committed relationship (because how can one love another until they can love themselves, and believe they have enough to offer the one they care about).

 

One can definitely live a fulfilled life without being in a relationship. You are the only person who you will know your entire life, and be around at all times. You should be the most important person in your life. That doesn't mean you have to be self centered at all. You can still care about others, love others, and have people hold places of importance of your life. It's not self centered to love yourself, and be comfortable with yourself, and care about your self.

 

If you have no desire to be in a relationship, I see nothing wrong with that at all.

[EP1C N3RD 45]

You know, i've been kinda thinking about this myself lately... Throughout my life, i was never a romantic person and i hardly showed any interest in dating. I felt the same as you really. I've only had one relationship in my life, and hated having to constantly maintain that relationship. Truth is, i really had to force myself to maintain it. My boyfriend was very extroverted and liked to text. I always dreaded having to respond, but did so anyway because i knew it was important. He always wanted to kiss, and i couldn't stand kissing, it felt awkward and uncomfortable for me. He was very "high maintenance" from an introvert standpoint. He was a nice guy, but completely wrong person for me, personality wise. Here's what i learned....Real relationships aren't about kissing, romance, and all that superficial crap you see in school that is deterring you.  It should be about finding the right person, someone who truly understands you and who will be by your side through everything. Of course, you'll never find that right person if you don't ever attempt, and it will take experimentation just for you to KNOW what who it is you're searching for. Its a beautiful thing really, and i would be lying if i said it didn't pique my curiosity now.

 

Anyway, my advice to you is don't force yourself into anything that makes you unhappy. But at the same time, don't close yourself off to new experiences either. I completely understand that introvert feel because I am one, a very far end one. But introversion and other personality traits should never be used as an excuses for anything. You'll never know how you actually feel about relationships if you never try, so just wait a few years until all the stupid high school romance crap is over and then try to find the ideal person that is compatible with your personality needs. And if, after trying, you decide that you would rather be alone, don't feel bad. Embrace it with open arms. Some people really are just happier on their own, so don't factor out the chance that you might be too.

I've had several girlfriends in the past and I just couldn't fall in love and I forced myself to like it and failed miserably. Anyway I still keep relationships with family and friends but getting a girlfriend is the least of my worries

[Starlighty 976]

I think its ok not to want a relationship (even if you haven't tried it) and even if you have and HAVE some bad ones and decide that its just not for you....

 

 

I think i went through that... I had one relationship that I just adored and it just turned out to end bad and I never wanted to date after that.

 

But I think you don't think you are cut out to date or get married etc then that's your choice.  

[Lunatic Cake 1,618]

I am 17 as well so I hope you guys and gals don't mind if I post my opinion about this as well.

 

It is fine, not wanting a relationship, however, if you are forcing yourself to not want any relationships because of the way other people have their relationships, then it feels wrong. It's perfectly fine to be different, also a relationship can be very different than the "average relationship". You can still love somebody without feeling the need of being sexually attracted by them but rather feeling the need of being around that somebody, talking to him/her, knowing that that certain somebody understands you and respects you.

 

In my opinion a relationship should not result because of constant dating with various people. A relationship should be formed between friends, that start to become closer, getting to know eachother better, sharing similar aspects of life and eventually deciding to live together. If I want to have a relationship, it should be centered on trust, respect and understanding rather than love itself.

 

After all I can say the one you love should always be one you can trust, identify with and be someone you always want to have around you.

[Lucky Bolt 35,085]

It is absolutely okay. No one is required to be in one, and some people find that they're happier without one.