mega thread How are you feeling?

[ExplosionMare 18,063]

Doing pretty good right now 

[Sphinx-Ara 3,569]

Feeling pretty meh right now

[TheRockARooster 51,383]

I’m feeling alright, still mixed as well.

[They call me Loyalty 1,948]

Ground. You know when they make recruits in the army crawl into the mud under the wire lines to "ground" them to reality. It is part of the training intended to break them and remake them.
And you know how people have different types of psychological buffers to deal with the brunt of reality since early childhood. From family, to an ideological belief system or whatever practice may reduce their stress level.
Well, I have nothing. And the more I see, the harder it gets.
It would be so easy to hide inside my own imagination, or a belief system or whatever it may be.
Which is funny, because this show about magic colorful horses is exactly that, a psychological buffer. But it pisses me off so much when I am watching, because I know reality is there knocking at my window with a disappointed look in her stern eyes.

It reminds of this time there was a vaccination campaign for the children in military school. And I was looking at my classmates, one by one, and every single one of them turned the face away when the syringe was coming. All of them crying when they exited the infirmary room.
I was one of the last ones. But for some reason, I couldn't turn my face away from the syringe, and I didn't cry either when I felt the sting of the injection. Or the dense solution in those vials.
The lady who was administering the vaccines was surprised and congratulated me because I was "brave". And I just looked her with a sad look in my eyes, and she didn't get it. Because it wasn't that. It was that looking the other way around was even worse than not knowing what was coming.
It is no wonder why the person in the mirror looks broken. I think it was the loss of my family since birth. I was exposed to reality from that point onward. I started to feel exposed the whole time. Constantly in a state of survival. The electrochemical umbalance of my body just burning me alive. Adrenalie, cortisol and oxidative stress killing me from the inside.
The irony is that the "brave" one is the one that looks is shambles now.
I think the loss of a family was too much for a child, and it really compromised my development. It destroyed me, actually. The exposure to reality since that early on.
It was that, actually. It was not that I was brave. It was that my psyche was alrady starting to collapse. And so it was with the stress, the chronic anxiety, and the ADHD that was diagnosed to me shortly after. And the addiction problems that came after.
It is so sad when you realize you are just broken, and that is all there is to it. And when you manage to emotionally connect with the trauma, out of the mild dissociative state that becomes part of your normality to survive. Everything falls apart. "Ah, there it is". Truth.
I would like know a little more about this reality, to know if there was even a point to it. Even if I know the answer to that question, already.

[Pandora 38,062]

im good XD laughing at art memes <3

[ExplosionMare 18,063]

Doing good right now  

[ZiggWheelsManning 10,392]

14 hours ago, TheRockARooster said:

I’m feeling alright, still mixed as well.

Sore on the inside, because 20 years ago, we lost Layne Staley of Alice in Chains  

[Savy 5,077]

Doing pretty good right now. 

[ExplosionMare 18,063]

Feeling energetic right now 

[Scilla Bell 103]

A little bit hungry. Should snack on something...

[ExplosionMare 18,063]

Still waking up at the moment 

[ExplosionMare 18,063]

Doing good  Got all my math done

[Savy 5,077]

Hungry. I haven't eaten all day.

[They call me Loyalty 1,948]

Flawless. I'm having one of those moments when I look at reality, and it feels like it isn't real anymore. Not in a bad dissociative way, hahaha.
And it feels great, but it also feels like the whole thing is artificial in one way or another. It is so strange. But I have been having these moments of extreme lucidity since I have memory. The first time was just after my birth. And apparently it is not normal for a newborn to open their eyes and move their head like that to look around. But I did just that. And the impression I felt the first time I looked at this reality was something very much like what I just described. The "feeling" that our reality is not entirely "real". Like there is something more beyond this, and we come here to have these human experiences.
What I feel is like climbing levels, and getting a clearer perspective of things, to the point where you start to ask yourself. "What is the point of all?" And it feels pretty awesome, it is liberating from everything you think you knew from this world, every form of conditioning, belief, philosophy, religion, memory, even trauma, everything. But still you cannot help to wonder why everything feels so surreal. Like you are more real, the less you become a character of this reality.

This world is like a stage for me. And it is getting harder and harder to believe anything that happens here. I wonder what is gonna be left after the artificial construct of this narrative falls apart.
I mean, they have been trying to introduce narrative after narrative, and the process isn't working for me. The virus didn't work, the war and the poor children doesn't work either. I am not polarized.

I can see the strings holding the moon, the sun and the stars. Not in a literal sense. But the architectural construct of this earth is pretty much like a very advanced artificial terrarium. Very much like a controlled environment. But I haven't been able to find anything that is not contaminated by polarity when it comes to offer an understanding of this human playground, either scripture or any other sources. Everything is contaminated by polarity. And a part of me struggles, because I want this to mean something. But internally I know it has no meaning. And that is perfect, because it means I don't have to look for anything in order to be anything. Because I am.
The whole thing is artificial. Still, I would like to know whether there is something beyond the enclosed dome of the earth. The crystal ceilling above the sky I saw during one my out of the body experiences, that is also mentioned in scripture. Because it looks like there is nothing up there, not the even stars. Hahaha. But I cannot read scripture because it is contaminated by polarity. And it is probably yet another narrative. And I want information that is clear from polarity. Information about the construct of our literal reality. I want to know. Even if it probably doesn't matter.

The feeling is strange. I have my body, and all the problems and dramas from this experience. But beyond, there is my soul, my consciousness or whatever you want to call it. And it feels flawless. Like nothing ever happened. Probably because nothing ever happened to the real me. Whatever that is.

Edited April 6, 2022 by They call me Loyalty

[ExplosionMare 18,063]

Kinda sleepy right now 

[Savy 5,077]

Same as ExplosionMare. Kinda tired right now.

[Wingnut 6,994]

Super tired.  Think the boss will mind if I sleep for six more hours before going to work?  

[ExplosionMare 18,063]

A little tired too, just got up not too long ago

[Tropical Melody 6,220]

On 2022-04-04 at 8:06 PM, ExplosionMare said:

Doing good  Got all my math done

 

 

[ExplosionMare 18,063]

Doing good, just waiting for class to end

[Astralshy 26,729]

Doing good, and drinking tea :>

[ExplosionMare 18,063]

4 minutes ago, Astral Soul said:

Doing good, and drinking tea :>

Which kind of tea? 

[Astralshy 26,729]

Moments ago, ExplosionMare said:

Which kind of tea? 

Some lovely Earl Grey :>

[Savy 5,077]

I'm feeling great so far.  

[ExplosionMare 18,063]

Hyper from sugar!!!!!