writing Beating Dirt

[Victoria and Co. 782]

Whelp, it was 4:30 a.m. and I was listening to the Dead Island theme, when I suddenly felt the need to type this.

Enjoy.

Or don't, I'm not picky.

 

A girl running tripped over a rock, falling to the ground. Surprise engulfed her and her ankle twisted as she fell. She gasped in pain.

The girl attempt to stand but soon found she couldn’t continue on, not like this. It hurt too much, and there was nothing to gain from her endeavor.

Funny, she thought in between gasps. Those sounded similar to the reasons she had left in the first place.

Her hair fell into her eyes as she began to cry. Memories she had been holding back, flooded her mind, as if they had been sitting perched, waiting for the right moment to return and plague her.

She had loved them so much, and they had just thrown her aside. They had never loved her like she had them. To them, she had just been a nuisance, a waste of space, a drain on resources. Her love was meaningless to them.

For the past few months, there had been only yelling from them; no kind words, no assuring criticisms, only harsh, painful, abrasive shouts. Even through this, she had loved them, wishing they would change, devoting herself to helping them.

The tears were flowing freely now and she lashed out at the dirt, sending up a cloud of dust that made her choke.

The girl saw now how stupid she had been. Never had there been any love, never had anything they said been sincere. They had hated her since they met her.

Her mother had been the only one to truly care for her, and now with her gone…

She coughed again as the dirt continued to settle. The girl clenched her fists and tried to stand up. She was alone, unloved, forgotten, and cold, but she would not let dirt best her.

On her feet again, the girl began to wobble, unsteady as the pain continued to shot through her ankle. She took a step forward, only to trip again.

She stuck out her arm to catch herself, but misjudged her distance from the ground. With a crack, she felt her wrist erupt into a fiery inferno of white-hot agony.

Her scream was muffled by a second crack, the cry of thunder, signifying an approaching storm.

Sobs ripped through the girl’s body and she shuddered with each one. Even huddled on the ground, pain coming from everywhere in her body, she was still happy; happy to be away from them. Knowing the pain they had put her though was greater than any physical pain.

Tears continued to roll from her eyes, but now the pain wasn’t so bad. A smile even crossed her face.

Pushing off the ground with both hands, she struggled to stand. Her wrist and ankle were racked by the effort but she kept to it.

The girl was standing…

She took a single step forward.

And then another.

And then another.

And then another.

And then another.

Soon, her slows steps, interrupted by the pain in her ankle, evolved into a slow walk.

The smile on her face widened and she looked up at the sky. Dark clouds swirled and she could imagine her mother, bright and shining, sitting upon them, gazing lovingly down at her.

The girl took a deep breath and took one last step forward.

One step away from the pain.

One step closer to the ground.

 

Edited July 12, 2012 by Vinyl Pon3 Scratch

[One 498]

I dont know if I should be sad or inspired.

[Victoria and Co. 782]

I dont know if I should be sad or inspired.

 

Believe it or not, that's what I was going for in a sense. :3 Edited July 12, 2012 by Vinyl Pon3 Scratch

[One 498]

Believe it or not what I was going for in a sense. :3

 

Well then your very good at it!

[Nightfall 3,950]

Believe it or not what I was going for in a sense. :3

 

It worked... I feel the same way.

[Victoria and Co. 782]

It worked... I feel the same way.

 

Wow, so for once something I wrote is producing the desired effect?

I should write when I'm tired more often!

[Juggler 345]

Wow, so for once something I wrote is producing the desired effect?

I should write when I'm tired more often!

 

Yes you really should! I had the exact same feeling as Original and Nightfall

[Victoria and Co. 782]

Yes you really should! I had the exact same feeling as Original and Nightfall

 

Ha ha, yay!

[Swit Swat 536]

How do you even write this when you're tired!? I got the same feel as the others bro. Nice work.

[Victoria and Co. 782]

How do you even write this when you're tired!? I got the same feel as the others bro. Nice work.

 

When I'm tired I more or less lose my grip on reality, so inspiration for writing comes easily.

Thanks!

[null123456 759]

 

^ This Man Should write The next Walking Dead Graphic Novel. ^

That was great.. But, Manly Tears were shed. (That's a good thing)

Edited July 12, 2012 by The Scout

[Victoria and Co. 782]

^ This Man Should write The next Walking Dead Graphic Novel. ^

That was great.. But, Manly Tears were shed. (That's a good thing)

 

Thanks! Ya little bunny rabbit.

[PhonyBrony 275]

Wow!

 

This is really inspiring! And sad!

 

I kind of wish I could write well... Especially after reading these kinds of stuff.

Keep writing!

 

the Phony Brony

[Victoria and Co. 782]

Wow!

 

This is really inspiring! And sad!

 

I kind of wish I could write well... Especially after reading these kinds of stuff.

Keep writing!

 

the Phony Brony

 

Thanks Falsey! I'm sure you can write fine!

[PhonyBrony 275]

Thanks Falsey! I'm sure you can write fine!

 

Eh, I kinda fail at it. I mean, my English teachers think I'm a good writer, but they're paid to falsely encourage you....

False... hey, I'm false too! Maybe I am a good writer!

[Victoria and Co. 782]

Eh, I kinda fail at it. I mean, my English teachers think I'm a good writer, but they're paid to falsely encourage you....

False... hey, I'm false too! Maybe I am a good writer!

 

Go for it Falsey!

[Random User 249]

This was a very nice piece, actually! I liked it quite a lot.

[Finesthour 7,287]

My critique:

• The story flows... somewhat good. The way you structured your sentences really broke away from the emotions you were trying to convey. Put more thought into actions.
• Besides the previous action, the mood of this piece is effective in putting a dark mood.
• Choose a POV (Point of view) and stick with it.

Not much more I can say about a short piece. Very adequate

3/5.

[Fluttermedic 86]

Whelp, it was 4:30 a.m. and I was listening to the Dead Island theme, when I suddenly felt the need to type this.

Enjoy.

Or don't, I'm not picky.

 

A girl running tripped over a rock, falling to the ground. Surprise engulfed her and her ankle twisted as she fell. She gasped in pain.

The girl attempt to stand but soon found she couldn’t continue on, not like this. It hurt too much, and there was nothing to gain from her endeavor.

Funny, she thought in between gasps. Those sounded similar to the reasons she had left in the first place.

Her hair fell into her eyes as she began to cry. Memories she had been holding back, flooded her mind, as if they had been sitting perched, waiting for the right moment to return and plague her.

She had loved them so much, and they had just thrown her aside. They had never loved her like she had them. To them, she had just been a nuisance, a waste of space, a drain on resources. Her love was meaningless to them.

For the past few months, there had been only yelling from them; no kind words, no assuring criticisms, only harsh, painful, abrasive shouts. Even through this, she had loved them, wishing they would change, devoting herself to helping them.

The tears were flowing freely now and she lashed out at the dirt, sending up a cloud of dust that made her choke.

The girl saw now how stupid she had been. Never had there been any love, never had anything they said been sincere. They had hated her since they met her.

Her mother had been the only one to truly care for her, and now with her gone…

She coughed again as the dirt continued to settle. The girl clenched her fists and tried to stand up. She was alone, unloved, forgotten, and cold, but she would not let dirt best her.

On her feet again, the girl began to wobble, unsteady as the pain continued to shot through her ankle. She took a step forward, only to trip again.

She stuck out her arm to catch herself, but misjudged her distance from the ground. With a crack, she felt her wrist erupt into a fiery inferno of white-hot agony.

Her scream was muffled by a second crack, the cry of thunder, signifying an approaching storm.

Sobs ripped through the girl’s body and she shuddered with each one. Even huddled on the ground, pain coming from everywhere in her body, she was still happy; happy to be away from them. Knowing the pain they had put her though was greater than any physical pain.

Tears continued to roll from her eyes, but now the pain wasn’t so bad. A smile even crossed her face.

Pushing off the ground with both hands, she struggled to stand. Her wrist and ankle were racked by the effort but she kept to it.

The girl was standing…

She took a single step forward.

And then another.

And then another.

And then another.

And then another.

Soon, her slows steps, interrupted by the pain in her ankle, evolved into a slow walk.

The smile on her face widened and she looked up at the sky. Dark clouds swirled and she could imagine her mother, bright and shining, sitting upon them, gazing lovingly down at her.

The girl took a deep breath and took one last step forward.

One step away from the pain.

One step closer to the ground.

 

 

[Victoria and Co. 782]

 

Thanks!

 

Thanks! A real, honest to goodness critique is nice to have for my future writing endevors!

 

[Fluttermedic 86]

Thanks!

Thanks! A real, honest to goodness critique is nice to have for my future writing endevors!

 

[Glaceon 793]

Really great job on this.

[Victoria and Co. 782]

Really great job on this.

 

Tanks! Tanks a bunch of bananas!