My new fic intro!

[Solar Wind 595]

Okay so I havent written a fic in a while and I think its time to start again. So heres the idea I had for the story, basically equestria is at war with the changeling country and Solarwind (my OC) Has been sent on a mission to gather intel. However once everypony is waiting at the gates the only thing that returns is a letter confirming the worst has happened. Intro is below I just wrote it and its 1:30 in the morning so please go easy on me...

 

 

 

Fluttershy galloped through the gates to meet her friends. Today was the day Solarwind would return from his mission! She was ecstatic to see her friend again and took a spot next to Twilight to wait for him.

 

"Hey Fluttershy! You're just in time. He should be back any second!" Twilight greeted her friend, her purple mane flowing in the soft breeze of the morning. The sun was just rising and everyone was waiting. Celestia, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Spike, and Luna were all with them. Even Shining Armour, despite being rivals with Solarwind, was in attendance to welcome him home.

 

"Look! Its Philamena!" Twilight exclaimed, pointing her hoof toward the sky where a bright streak of flame was beaming towards them. As she landed, Fluttershy spotted a scroll tied to Philamena's leg.

 

"Its a letter! Oooh, what's it say? What's it say?" Pinkie was bouncing with excitement over the mysterious roll of parchment. Twilight used her unicorn magic to unfurl the letter and read it out loud.

 

 

"My dearest friends. If you are reading this then the unthinkable has happened. If by some chance Philamena delivers this it can mean only one thing. I was killed in combat.

 

Please forgive me but I wrote this before I died. Even before I left for the mission.

 

I think it is only fair to show how much you all meant to me. I hate to do it this way but there really isnt any other option for me.

 

I'll start with the easiest. Shining Armour.

 

In a way I hated you. You were always there to beat me at something, or finish first.

 

But that doesn't mean I didn't respect you. You were a good friend who always pushed me to be my best.

 

Next Celestia. You were like a mother to me. An old girl who wouldn't stop complaining about my mistakes. Well, I made another mistake (How else would you be reading this?), And this time it wasnt spilling grapejuice on your documents. You helped me be the stallion I was and for that I have to say thanks.

 

Twilight. You silly bookworm. I always found myself in awe of your ability to do such boring tasks of your own free will! None the less you were kind, gentle, respectful, and you were the best damn magician I knew!"

 

 

 

 

Twilight stopped and wiped her eyes. She laughed a little at his words, but couldn't believe she was reading them. Fluttershy's face was broken. It was like someone had said they were giving her a gift and instead stabbed her in the heart. Twilight sniffed and continued reading.

"And the last one will be a bit tougher... Fluttershy. You were my best friend, and perhaps even a bit more. You were the person I would visit late at night just to play a game of wing-pong. Even if I never won... I hoped you would never have to read these words but I would never forgive myself if I left you out. Fluttershy, I dont want you to remember me as the guy who left for a few months and never came back. I want to be remembered as a good friend who cared deeply for you, even beyond that of a friend. I hate beating around the bush so I'll just skip to the point. I loved you. I cant figure out any other way to say it. Please forgive me for telling you all this in a measley piece of parchment... forget me. And find another friend to play wing-pong, and eat sub-hay with on the weekends! Find a kind stallion who will love and take care of you... Forget me.

 

You all meant alot to me. We will meet again some day, in the next life... Or in heaven.

 

 

~Yours in eternity, SolarWind."

 

 

Twilight saw Fluttershy collapse and was caught by Rainbow Dash at the last second. Rarity was holding back tears and Pinkie looked like she was in shock.

 

Celestia wiped a tear from her cheek and looked at it. She had lived a very long time. She had seen many pass on. But this... Why did this make her feel so deeply? "Oh Solarwind... you fool," she whispered.

 

She turned to the royal guards. "Dispatch a patrol... Retreive the stall- Solarwind's... body." She trotted back into the castle and caught one last glimpse of the ponies at the gate. All of them were quiet, except for the sound of Fluttershy sobbing into Rainbow's coat and the cyan pegasus was struggling to hold back tears even more so than Rarity. Shining Armors eyes were red as well and he looked at Celestia for a brief second. Than his gaze shifted to the sun. It was the most beautiful sunrise ever. Celestia smiled at the irony. "Solar has fallen yet the sun rises..." she thought. "Cruel irony..."

 

The brigade arrived at the spot Solar was brought down in. Signs of the battle were everywhere and the bodies of the changelings were not far. However Solar's body was gone, like it had vanished, or pehaps... moved?

 

 

 

Love it? Hate it? What was your thought on this poorly assembeled intro? This is'nt the whole fic just a begining. I just wanna know if I should continue.

 

Big thanks to @Clarity, for editing and fixing all my gramatical erors!

Edited September 23, 2012 by SolarWind

[Night Shine 767]

Wow. That was pretty good, though I don't know exactly why one would go about killing off their ponysona OC.

 

May i prease haz contexts? (as in, message me or something if you make this into a full-length fic)

[Clarity 3,094]

No offense, but...needs a lot of grammar correction. "Your" is spelled "You're" in that case, and names needed to be capitalized. Split it into paragraphs; it's like a wall of text. Use synonyms for the word "said."

[Solar Wind 595]

No offense, but...needs a lot of grammar correction. "Your" is spelled "You're" in that case, and names needed to be capitalized. Split it into paragraphs; it's like a wall of text. Use synonyms for the word "said."

 

Yeah I know. I didnt go back through with my spell check. This is seriosusly just my rough copy. It also pretty late and I didnt wanna be up til 2:00 doing this. Once I get it sorted out and checked over I will make my revised draft and then put that up

[Clarity 3,094]

 

 

Fluttershy galloped through the gates to meet her friends. Today was the day Solarwind would return from his mission! She was ecstatic to see her friend again and took a spot next to Twilight to wait for him.

 

"Hey Fluttershy! You're just in time. He should be back any second!" Twilight greeted her friend, her purple mane flowing in the soft breeze of the morning. The sun was just rising and everyone was waiting. Celestia, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Spike, and Luna were all with them. Even Shining Armour, despite being rivals with Solarwind, was in attendance to welcome him home.

 

"Look! Its Philamena!" Twilight exclaimed, pointing her hoof toward the sky where a bright streak of flame was beaming towards them. As she landed, Fluttershy spotted a scroll tied to Philamena's leg.

 

"Its a letter! Oooh, what's it say? What's it say?" Pinkie was bouncing with excitement over the mysterious roll of parchment. Twilight used her unicorn magic to unfurl the letter and read it out loud.

 

"My dearest friends. If you are reading this then the unthinkable has happened. If by some chance Philamena delivers this it can mean only one thing. I was killed in combat.

Please forgive me but I wrote this before I died. Even before I left for the mission.

I think it is only fair to show how much you all meant to me. I hate to do it this way but there really isnt any other option for me.

I'll start with the easiest. Shining Armour.

In a way I hated you. You were always there to beat me at something, or finish first.

But that doesn't mean I didn't respect you. You were a good friend who always pushed me to be my best.

Next Celestia. You were like a mother to me. An old girl who wouldn't stop complaining about my mistakes. Well, I made another mistake (How else would you be reading this?), And this time it wasnt spilling grapejuice on your documents. You helped me be the stallion I was and for that I have to say thanks.

Twilight. You silly bookworm. I always found myself in awe of your ability to do such boring tasks of your own free will! None the less you were kind, gentle, respectful, and you were the best damn magician I knew!"

 

Twilight stopped and wiped her eyes. She laughed a little at his words, but couldn't believe she was reading them. Fluttershy's face was broken. It was like someone had said they were giving her a gift and instead stabbed her in the heart. Twilight sniffed and continued reading.

 

"And the last one will be a bit tougher... Fluttershy. You were my best friend, and perhaps even a bit more. You were the person I would visit late at night just to play a game of wing-pong. Even if I never won... I hoped you would never have to read these words but I would never forgive myself if I left you out. Fluttershy, I dont want you to remember me as the guy who left for a few months and never came back. I want to be remembered as a good friend who cared deeply for you, even beyond that of a friend. I hate beating around the bush so I'll just skip to the point. I loved you. I cant figure out any other way to say it. Please forgive me for telling you all this in a measley piece of parchment... forget me. And find another friend to play wing-pong, and eat sub-hay with on the weekends! Find a kind stallion who will love and take care of you... Forget me.

You all meant alot to me. We will meet again some day, in the next life... Or in heaven.

 

~Yours in eternity, SolarWind."

 

Twilight saw Fluttershy collapse and was caught by Rainbow Dash at the last second. Rarity was holding back tears and Pinkie looked like she was in shock. (WHAT ABOUT APPLEJACK. lolsorry)

 

Celestia wiped a tear from her cheek and looked at it. She had lived a very long time. She had seen many pass on. But this... Why did this make her feel so deeply? "Oh Solarwind... you fool," she whispered.

 

She turned to the royal guards. "Dispatch a patrol... Retreive the stall- Solarwind's... body." She trotted back into the castle and caught one last glimpse of the ponies at the gate. All of them were quiet, except for the sound of Fluttershy sobbing into Rainbow's coat and the cyan pegasus was struggling to hold back tears even more so than Rarity. Shining Armors eyes were red as well and he looked at Celestia for a brief second. Than his gaze shifted to the sun. It was the most beautiful sunrise ever. Celestia smiled at the irony. "Solar has fallen yet the sun rises..." she thought. "Cruel irony..."

 

The brigade arrived at the spot Solar was brought down in. Signs of the battle were everywhere and the bodies of the changelings were not far. However Solar's body was gone, like it had vanished, or pehaps... moved?

 

Okay, spent a while correcting this. Good plot, and it was quite sad; however, some characters shouldn't be there to be neglected. Like AJ and Luna.

[Solar Wind 595]

 

 

 

Okay, spent a while correcting this. Good plot, and it was quite sad; however, some characters shouldn't be there to be neglected. Like AJ and Luna.

 

Thanks! It helped alot. Actually im glad you brought up AJ. She plays a bir role if the Fic continues. I have made plans on the rest but I dont know if I should continue or not. However those two had to be there just in case I do continue because they both have pretty big parts.