A Little Romantic and Sad MLP Story

[TwiliciousAlkoi 369]

My OC Fire Jade was in love with Rainbow Dash,they loved to play sports together and talk alot.

They had feelings for each other, even though he is a unicorn and she is a pegasus but they didn't mind that at all. On hearts and hooves day he gave her a necklace of a diamond shaped like a lightning bolt, and so she gave him a sports jersey saying Fire Jade #87 on the back with a lightning bolt on the front. She said that she got another surprise for him and told him to close his eyes, and so he did and noticed that she was kissing him. Fire Jade blushed and smiled, and then he said if they would spend more time together someday and Rainbow Dash was surprised and said yes.

 

After a week later Fire Jade was suffering from a bad flu that lasted for a couple of weeks.So when he was  

feeling better,he started exercising, he noticed that he lost all of his muscles and agility from his flu. He was scared that if Rainbow Dash had noticed, she would hate him for being weak.

 

So one day when he saw Rainbow dash again, he told her that we should break up, Rainbow dash was feeling sad and asked why? He said I will tell you one day. So they hugged each other with Fire Jade slightly crying on her shoulder. And they left each other.

 

Will Rainbow Dash ever find out why they broke up? Or Fire Jade will remain it a secret?

So um what do you guys think?

 

I made this little story because to talk about when Dash was my former favorite pony and turned it into a romantic and sad story! :3

 

Scroll down for part 2 of the story!

Edited March 11, 2013 by TwiliciousAlkoi

[Windwaker 194]

You know, that sounds a lot like my story with me and applejack. But a little different! Nice story! Write some more, or expand it into a FIMfic!

[TwiliciousAlkoi 369]

I might think of writing more or expanding it into a FimFic but I am not that much good at typing in fimfictions because I am not much good at thinking of what to put in!

 

Well this turned out good because when I was asleep I was suddenly dreaming about my former favorite pony Rainbow Dash trying to find out why I left her.

 

So I thought of turning it into a little story!

 

So when I sleep sometimes I think of romantic MLP stuff like this and some other stuff I thought of but was kinda shy to post some of them on to MLPforums/Fimfiction because i get nervous that people will not like it at all.

Edited March 10, 2013 by TwiliciousAlkoi

[Sentienthydra 52]

I might think of writing more or expanding it into a FimFic but I am not that much good at typing in fimfictions because I am not much good at thinking of what to put in!

 

Well this turned out good because when I was asleep I was suddenly dreaming about my former favorite pony Rainbow Dash trying to find out why I left her.

 

So I thought of turning it into a little story!

DO IT! You 'ave ze talent and ze power. All it takes is a little faith, and some imagination, and anyone can create a beautiful story.

 

I'm a terrible writer, but I've written two stories and published to FiMFiction.

 

You'll never find out just how good you are, until you try, and where better to try than on a brony site, where you can expect little but love, tolerance and harmony.

[⊙♥⊙ 7]

DO IT! You 'ave ze talent and ze power. All it takes is a little faith, and some imagination, and anyone can create a beautiful story.

 

I'm a terrible writer, but I've written two stories and published to FiMFiction.

 

You'll never find out just how good you are, until you try, and where better to try than on a brony site, where you can expect little but love, tolerance and harmony.

I agree with everypony, (sorry) expand it, it sounds amazing and I cannot wait for the rest! Mabye add a twist in the plot, like... rainbow dash having problems

P.s. I am a tough critic

[~Chaotic Fireball~ 498]

That sounds a lot like my story between me and Rainbow Blitz (why not?) haha, or maybe between Fireblast Smash and Rainbow Dash (just a genderbent version of my pony) BTW, he is forever RD's boyfriend

(Nice story BTW)

[TwiliciousAlkoi 369]

Since you guys like the little story. How about you um.. recommend or showing it to other fellow friends of yours to see what they think of it!

 

Its kinda wierd because one dream my OC is with Twilight Sparkle and in the other he is back with Rainbow dash but to tell her the reason.

 

I maybe expanding it if I can manage to get 15-20 people into liking the little story!

Edited March 10, 2013 by TwiliciousAlkoi

[Moon Rat 4,772]

*snip*

Aww, that's sad

I must say, that isn't that bad however The story itself felt a bit rushed...

It starts off with your OC and Rainbow Dash loving each other, then this flu happen at what seems like out of nowhere and he feels excessively tired because of it, then he breaks up with her because he's scared she'll think bad about him...

 

Again, it's really not that bad however, it just felt like it went too fast

 

I recommend him telling her his reasoning for why he did what he did BTW

[TwiliciousAlkoi 369]

My OC Fire Jade was in love with Rainbow Dash,they loved to play sports together and talk alot.

They had feelings for each other, even though he is a unicorn and she is a pegasus but they didn't mind that at all. On hearts and hooves day he gave her a necklace of a diamond shaped like a lightning bolt, and so she gave him a sports jersey saying Fire Jade #87 on the back with a lightning bolt on the front.She said that she got another surprise for him and told him to close his eyes, and so he did and noticed that she was kissing him.Fire Jade blushed and smiled, and then he said if they would spend more time together someday and Rainbow Dash was surprised and said yes. 

 

When Fire Jade got home from a romantic day with rainbow dash, he felt very happy that he got a special somepony that likes to be with him!

 

A couple of days later Fire Jade was suffering from a bad flu that lasted for a week.So when he was  

feeling better,he started exercising, he noticed that he lost all of his muscles and agility from his flu. He was scared that if Rainbow Dash had noticed, she would hate him for being weak.

 

Later that evening when he saw Rainbow dash again, he told her that we should break up, Rainbow Dash was feeling sad and asked why?

                                                              Part 2!

 

He took a deep breath and said 'Well.. I suffered from a flu, and I had it for a week.' Rainbow Dash said 'and?' with tears going down on her face. He said ' and I lost all my muscles and agility, and I thought you would leave me for not being strong and fast like you.' Rainbow dash then said that it doesn't matter if you aren't that much athletic like her, and then said you are still 20% cool just the way you are! Fire jade then cleared up his tears and said 'R-r-really? Rainbow Dash said 'yes Fire and I love you.' He said 'Oh um.. I love you too!' And then he started to slowly hug her' He said 'Your eyes, your eyes are like the Stars that shine in the night!

Rainbow Dash slightly smiled and said 'No pony has ever said anything very nice to me!' and then she kissed him. 

 

Rainbow Dash then said 'so are you braking up with me?' Fire Jade smiled and said 'no, why would I leave such a beautiful pegasus like you that loves sports just like me!' Rainbow Dash then smiled and told him that she never wants to leave someone who is really nice to her like him. He then blushed and told her has another gift for her. He then gave her a watch with diamonds and a picture of him and Rainbow dash on it' Rainbow dash was surprised and said 'I-I love it, nopony has ever gave me something so precious and lovely!' He then smiled and said 'I glad you love it!' He said he got it made by Rarity! 

 

Rainbow Dash wore the watch and then kissed him again! and then Rainbow Dash told him that she also had sometimes lost her agility and strength from a terrible flu. He then was surprised and said 'So it also happened to you?' Rainbow Dash then nodded her head up and down' He then started to feel happy and said 'I am glad we are still together' Rainbow Dash then smiled and said that she felt the same way'

 

It was then night and Rainbow dash said that she got to go back to Cloudsdale! Fire Jade then said 'oh um goodnight and I hope to see you tomorrow!' and then kissed Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash said Goodnight to him and said yes and that she will get to see him tomorrow and hugged him. And so then the two ponies went back to their homes for the rest of the night, and then Rainbow Dash wrote a letter to Princess Celestia saying:

 

'Dear Princess Celestia, having a special somepony is the best thing that ever happen to me. It doesn't matter who they are and what happened to them.They are still good just the way they are!'

Edited March 12, 2013 by TwiliciousAlkoi

[Moon Rat 4,772]

A couple of days later Fire Jade was suffering from a bad flu that lasted for a week.So when he was

feeling better,he started exercising, he noticed that he lost all of his muscles and agility from his flu.

I loved it

The whole story was pretty well done except this little line here

Instead of saying "so when he was feeling better, he started exercising" say something like "when he finally felt better, he went out to start exercising. Unfortunately..." then continue on from there

 

I would have to say you ended the story quite well.

I loved how you ended it with a letter to Celestia with a lesson learned

 

All-in-all

Excellent story

Keep it up

[King 5,625]

This story can be summed up into one word...

D'Awwwwwwwwwwww    :3

I loved it, please continue with this, it's such a wonderful story :3

[Sky Warden 2,243]

Oh. I like this. The story is original. I'm very interested to help. If you need a proof reader in your deck, don't hesitate to PM me. I'm not a pro, but you can read my writing tips (link on my signature) and judge if I'm decent to help you with this story or not.

 

You still can ask me anything about writing though. I like this story very much, despite of the cannon shipping. It's pretty similar to my life. I damaged my breath (energy) stream a year ago, but the difference is, I had no GF, even until now.

Edited March 11, 2013 by Sky Warden

[TwiliciousAlkoi 369]

I am actually glad everypony is starting to enjoy the romantic story!

 

I'll be thinking about writing more.

 

It makes me feel a little like Stephen King writing his famous/good books

Just a little quickie!

 

Rarity said 'Pinkie Pie darling would you get your friend Rainbow Dash here?' Pinkie Pie replied saying 'Okie Dokie lokie' with a smile on her face. She hopped happily to the lake where she saw Rainbow Dash last time, and when she got to the lake she saw Rainbow Dash and Fire Jade talking under a tree.She talked to herself saying 'Oh look its Fire Jade also!' So she hided in a nearby bush to surprise them.

 

Fire Jade said 'This has got to be the most romantic spot in Ponyville' Rainbow Dash slowly nodded and said 'It is when i am with  someone so awesome like you.' Fire Jade slightly blushed and smiled, and said 'The 2v2 Equestrian Ball Hockey tournament is coming up and how about joining in?' Rainbow Dash said that she would like to join in the tournament with him. He then said 'Good, we sure will win as a team that is in love' She said 'I know nopony can beat our radical,awesome,and cool skills!' Fire then said that she would like this relationship to last a lifetime!' Rainbow Dash then said she got him a little gift. He noticed that it was a pair of light blue sunglasses saying 20% cooler on the side. Fire Jade smiled and said 'These are so beautiful!' Rainbow Dash slightly smiled then said 'I'm glad you love them! Fire Jade then said 'But not as much as I love you!' Rainbow and Fire both smiled at each other and hugged. 

 

Rainbow Dash and Fire Jade slowly were about to kiss.Then Pinkie Pie hopped out of the bush yelling 'Cupcakes Cupcakes Cupcakes!' and got in the middle of the kiss.Pinkie pie had a shocked expression on her face and started blushing. Fire Jade and Rainbow Dash waved their hooves in front of her face saying 'Pinkie are you okay?' Pinkie Pie started to giggle and Yelled 'Rainbow Dash and Fire Jade sitting in a Tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G'. So they started chasing after Pinkie Pie to tell her to stop yelling that. 

Edited March 12, 2013 by TwiliciousAlkoi

[)O( Scarlet )O( 1,259]

That's actually quite very good mate, I usually tend to stay and keep away from fanfics as I am a bit closeminded about them, as I've heard lots of bad things about them, but decided to give yours a go, and was quite pleasantly surprised at the thought you put into yours Keep up the good work mate

[Sentienthydra 52]

GO TEAM FIREDASH!

 

Twilight gets enough love, give Rainbow a chance! You won't regret it

 

Cool story bro, keep it up and keep it chill

[Loffy09 16]

I read uncountable amounts of fanfics, i read over 100s, and i actually want to say this is 20% cooler than the others. There are some typos (not really typos but like if you added a certain word it would make the sentence 20% cooler) and 1 typo i found was in the quickie fic you made, when Pinkie said "Cupcakes cupcakes cupcakes!", the last Cupcakes said Capcakes instead of CUPcakes. Anyways, keep making these c:

[TwiliciousAlkoi 369]

I read uncountable amounts of fanfics, i read over 100s, and i actually want to say this is 20% cooler than the others. There are some typos (not really typos but like if you added a certain word it would make the sentence 20% cooler) and 1 typo i found was in the quickie fic you made, when Pinkie said "Cupcakes cupcakes cupcakes!", the last Cupcakes said Capcakes instead of CUPcakes. Anyways, keep making these c:

I fixed it and thanks for reminding me fella!

 

P.S I added a little more to that one just to remind you and thanks for your nice comments!

 

Another quicky!

 

Fire Jade is fast asleep and starts dreaming about him as an alicorn. He shows everypony his new alicorn self and almost forgot to show his special somepony Rainbow Dash. So he flew up to Cloudsdale and met Rainbow Dash and told her "Um.. do you like the new me?" Rainbow Dash was surprised and said "I-I love it!" and then Rainbow Dash told him to follow her back to ponyville. While they were flying Fire Jade said "Now I feel even more than 20% cooler!" Rainbow Dash smiled and said "Make that 50% cooler!"

 

When they got to ponyville Rainbow Dash starts telling him stuff about flying fast. Fire Jade said "Maybe I'll someday join you and your dreams into becoming a Wonderbolt." Rainbow Dash slightly smiled and then told him" Great, and I can someday start training you to become fast like me!" Rainbow Dash then said "One more thing!" Fire Jade nodded and said "yes?" Rainbow Dash smiled and said "There is one disadvantage of having wings." Fire Jade said "What is it?" Rainbow Dash then kissed him which caused his wings to spread out. Rainbow Dash with a smile on her face said "Gotcha!" Fire Jade blushed and smiled,and said "I know what you mean now!" Then Fire Jade started to hug her and said "I will always be with you" Rainbow Dash started to smile and said "I feel the same way." They started to kiss again.

 

Fire Jade then woke up from his dream and said "One day I will become an alicorn so I can be with Rainbow Dash even more."

[Sky Warden 2,243]

@@TwiliciousAlkoi.

 

The story has a good potency, like what I've said before, but I think you still need to polish it up...a lot. First of all, about dialogue writing. Here, you used dialogue tags like he said, etc. The only matter is, you write your whole dialogue in a paragraph. That's very confusing in honest. In writing dialogues, it's always a good idea to break the line whenever the speaker changes. This way, the reader can easily track your dialogue.

 

Rainbow Dash slightly smiled and then told him "Great, and I can someday start training you to become fast like me!" Rainbow Dash then said "One more thing!"

 

Fire Jade nodded and said "yes?"

 

Rainbow Dash smiled and said "There is one disadvantage of having wings."

 

Write it like that instead. Don't give italics. That's just my way to show that it's your writing.

If you put all of them in one paragraph, people will need more extra brain resources to read it, and it's tiring. With this, I can easily assume that "Rainbow Dash stops talking here. Here goes Fire Jade," when the paragraph changes and see the tag to check if I'm correct, "Ah yes. It's Fire Jade."

 

Note that I didn't change the paragraph where Dashie is still speaking. If the focus is still on Dashie, don't change the paragraph, but when it comes to another character, change it.

 

A paragraph is (mostly) used to describe an element of a story. Like you may want to have a paragraph which explains about the scenery, and different paragraph to describes some actions done by a character. Also, try to use dialogue tags other than 'said'.

 

It's a small, and perhaps useless thing, but pretty critical when it comes into a fanfic with more than five pages.

 

Personal opinion, too many kisses.

 

Also, it may be a good idea to put some flash backs which describe why Dashie is in love with Jade now. I mean, Dashie is a mare which is...you know. *shrug*

 

I think I will write the other later. There are so many other things actually, but my head isn't as good as gold usual at the moment.

Edited March 13, 2013 by Sky Warden

[TwiliciousAlkoi 369]

 

@@TwiliciousAlkoi.

 

The story has a good potency, like what I've said before, but I think you still need to polish it up...a lot. First of all, about dialogue writing. Here, you used dialogue tags like he said, etc. The only matter is, you write your whole dialogue in a paragraph. That's very confusing in honest. In writing dialogues, it's always a good idea to break the line whenever the speaker changes. This way, the reader can easily track your dialogue.

 

Rainbow Dash slightly smiled and then told him "Great, and I can someday start training you to become fast like me!" Rainbow Dash then said "One more thing!"

 

Fire Jade nodded and said "yes?"

 

Rainbow Dash smiled and said "There is one disadvantage of having wings."

 

Write it like that instead. Don't give italics. That's just my way to show that it's your writing.

If you put all of them in one paragraph, people will need more extra brain resources to read it, and it's tiring. With this, I can easily assume that "Rainbow Dash stops talking here. Here goes Fire Jade," when the paragraph changes and see the tag to check if I'm correct, "Ah yes. It's Fire Jade."

 

Note that I didn't change the paragraph where Dashie is still speaking. If the focus is still on Dashie, don't change the paragraph, but when it comes to another character, change it.

 

A paragraph is (mostly) used to describe an element of a story. Like you may want to have a paragraph which explains about the scenery, and different paragraph to describes some actions done by a character. Also, try to use dialogue tags other than 'said'.

 

It's a small, and perhaps useless thing, but pretty critical when it comes into a fanfic with more than five pages.

 

Personal opinion, too many kisses.

 

 

Also, it may be a good idea to put some flash backs which describe why Dashie is in love with Jade now. I mean, Dashie is a mare which is...you know. *shrug*

 

I think I will write the other later. There are so many other things actually, but my head isn't as good as gold usual at the moment.

Oh um ok.. I know the paragraphs and such are a mistake but its just that i am autistic (i can talk) And it kinda affects my emotions and talents in stuff like art,writing stories,sports. I just kinda don't have any talent. :/

[Sky Warden 2,243]

Oh um ok.. I know the paragraphs and such are a mistake but its just that i am autistic (i can talk) And it kinda affects my emotions and talents in stuff like art,writing stories,sports. I just kinda don't have any talent. :/

Who the hay cares about having no talent?

 

Did you know what's the difference between successful artists and talented artists? Well, not all successful artists are talented, and not all talented artists are successful neither. Therefore, there are differences between them. Successful artists are successful because they love doing art. Not all talented artists love their art. That's why they're not successful now. People who have no passion in art won't be great with art, but people (even the ones who have no talent at all) who do have passion in art, will be great artists.

 

I see that you enjoy writing, that's why I'm interested to help you. You don't need to have talents, or years of intense training to be a great artist. All you need is to open your mind and learn. Pay attention to details and you can fix what's missing. I once heard somepony said "Being a great artists isn't the matter of years of practice, but it's about fixing what's wrong." I completely agree with that. Why do you think people with years of traning are usually good? Because they've seen mistakes and fixed them.

 

All you need to do is learning, and you can be a great artist in less than...maybe a month is possible.

 

I don't think I'm talented neither, but I do enjoy telling stories with writing. That's why I jumped to the world of writing. No matter what, I keep doing art, because I love it.

[akita-ken 581]

This topic appears to be a request for feedback on a fan fiction work-in-progress and should therefore be in Creative Resources. Other Fan Works is a place for any other creative works that do not fit in the other boards, such as YouTube videos, craft works and other related mediums.

Edited March 14, 2013 by akita-ken