Terrible, Terrible Puns

[Doctor XFizzle 8,651]

I have more pressing matters to attend to *goes back to work at the newspaper factory pressing the "Matters" section of the paper*

[Chill Mists (Chilly) 801]

This thread made me laugh so much!~

 

"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."

 

"A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'."

 

"Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink."

 

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

 

I don't know if these count, but they made me giggle. >.<

 

I think the worst pun is "punny". xD

 

A banana is a herb, not a fruit. Apart from this, those were actually not too terrible.

[Love Hearts 93]

A banana is a herb, not a fruit. Apart from this, those were actually not too terrible.

 

 

Thank you for the information, I never knew that.

 

You live and you learn~

[Elric 42]

Why was Simba grounded?

 

Because he was lion

[NeverNeverland 1,940]

[Akemi Homura 7,680]

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

 

[Doctor XFizzle 8,651]

Why am I changing from a pegasus to a unicorn with this post?

 

Because I feel a little horny!!

 

BOOYAH UNICORN GET!

[Feather Spiral 1,892]

^ Can't be hornier than MY unicorn.

 

All our bases must be ready to counter the next alien intrusion. Prepare Uranus!

I once had an African girlfriend, she was hot.

A tropical river, large enough to occupy a whole zone, becomes intelligent and cheerfully shouts: "I'm a zone river!"

I thought I saw two dachshunds the other day. Were they wiener-shaped dogs or dog-shaped wieners? I guess it was just a pair-o-dachs.

 

When a quantum physicist dies, they lose energy and their quirks become quarks.

When a mathematician dies, their bodily functions disintegrate and derive into zero.

A dead geologist mineralizes, a dead nutritionist feeds organisms and wildlife, a dead chemist is reduced to their elements.

 

"Mr Spock, did you hear of the Vulcan band, Basalt Logic?"

"I have not, captain. May I ask what kind of music they play?"

"Vulcanic Rock."

Edited April 24, 2012 by Feather Spiral

[Sir Cyborg 26]

Not really a pun, but I once wanted to name a band "Britney's Pears"...

Say no more - It got rejected.

[AngryGamer432 155]

I always wondered why the ball was getting bigger as it came at me..... then it hit me!

Edited April 24, 2012 by Thatpony124

[Prince Lightning Da Cute 616]

They may be terrible but these are really funny! Keep it up my friends!

[Doctor XFizzle 8,651]

*inspired by the mini van thread title*

 

Why don't people like the messy mummy?

 

He was given a bad wrap.

[Sunny Fox 5,935]

I went to my one doctor, who said "You have cancer!"

I went to another doctor, who said "You're in perfect health!"

It's quite a pair'a'docs.

 

2 strings try to go into a bar. The bouncer says "Sorry, we don't serve strings." The one string goes home, dejected, but the other string has a brainwave. He bends himself double, combs his hair so that it stands on end, and goes back to the bouncer. The bouncer says "Hey, aren't you one of those strings I just threw out?" The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

 

I went to my doctor. He says to me, "You only have 6 months to live!" I say, "I'd like a second opinion." The doctor answers, "All right. You're ugly too!"

Edited April 25, 2012 by CandidKid

[Feather Spiral 1,892]

I had a friend living in the country, who once said I'd be a great cow herder. I told him it was complete bull. But he insisted, thinking I was just cow-ering. That's when our friendship went sour, so we parted wheys.

You're making a very persuasive argument. I was gonna hammer the same things in, but you nailed it right down for me.

I know a guy with a collection of bolts. I think he's nuts.

 

 

EDIT: some more XFizzle puns since my last two.

 

Who did he just break up with?

Xgirlfriend.

What did he have that she found too high?

Xpectations.

What did she include in her argument?

Xamples.

What did he owe her?

An Xplanation.

 

What kind of sports does he practice?

Xtreme.

Why does he do them?

For Xercise.

 

Where does he store his backup data?

On an Xternal drive.

Edited April 26, 2012 by Feather Spiral

[Doctor XFizzle 8,651]

If Scootaloo played board games, she'd be Scootaclue!

If Scootaloo made adhesives, it'd be Scootaglue!

If Scootaloo got sick, she'd be Scootaflu!

If Scootaloo drank soft drinks, she'd be ScootaDew!

If Scootaloo got a dye job or was just depressed, she'd be Scootablue!

[ThePlantsOfDistraction 56]

What does a depressed frog do?

 

He "kermits" suicide

[Sunny Fox 5,935]

Oh, Cod, I makes me eel when people carp and whale just for the halibut. - I didn't make this up, it comes from an old game "Quest for Glory II".

 

Is there mushroom in this forum for a fungi like me? - I did make that one up.

Edited May 4, 2012 by CandidKid

[Sugarcube 213]

Did you hear what happened to the pretzel walking down main street? It was a salted. *facepalm*

[Feather Spiral 1,892]

If I helped Viscra making his mixes, we'd be making luvstep.

If I played Minecraft with Viscra, I would've fallen in lava with him.

If Viscra and I were computer geeks, we would watch Love Bo(a)t.

 

I wrote an application named "Tin" for my iPad, it displays everything in a snapp. (it's funny if you know your periodic table...)

A trigonometry teacher's favorite fruit is sine-apple.

[Otter 1,942]

Did you hear about the ninja? He was a pretty knife guy.

[MachineGunLola 408]

/not really a pun, but i find it hilarious/

 

Gas the Jews?

No, I said glass of juice!

 

mistakes.

they happen.

[Ezio Auditore 702]

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine

Edited May 4, 2012 by Ezio Auditore

[Nightfall 3,950]

So, a baby seal walks into a club...

 

Four men are walking down the street. Three walk into a bar... the fourth ducks.

[Doctor XFizzle 8,651]

If Scootaloo had a growth spurt, she'd be Scootagrew!

If Scootaloo had to vomit, she'd be Scootaspew!

If Scootaloo wore something on her hooves, she'd be Scootashoe!

If Scootaloo had a bill to pay, she'd be Scootadue!

[Sunny Fox 5,935]

If Scootaloo had a growth spurt, she'd be Scootagrew!

If Scootaloo had to vomit, she'd be Scootaspew!

If Scootaloo wore something on her hooves, she'd be Scootashoe!

If Scootaloo had a bill to pay, she'd be Scootadue!

 

If she needed to go to the bathroom she'd be Scootaloo! Oh, wait... Edited May 5, 2012 by CandidKid