sad A New Start: Early Rising. Chap. One & Two

[Remi 1,309]

Hello everyone. This is a fan fic. made. I'd like to point out, however, that this is not based on my experiences. This did not happen to me at prom. I simply trout of events. Hope you like it!

Fan Fic. 1

Written By: The Paris Swing Box

Start Time: 10:10 PM
6/14/13

End Time: N/A


It was a calm day in Equestria. The sun was shining, the birds where chirping happily, and the woodland creatures were happily scurrying through the woods. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. That must’ve meant the Pegasi must’ve gotten up and cleared out early. The fillies were playing happily in the town center, chasing each other and shouting out of excitement. I wasn’t one of them though. I was where I would hide for most of the day by myself after I was released from school. I would hide out into a small pasture where a farmer used to live. The grass was high, and I would lie down in the middle of the field and gaze upon the sky. I would wait until the sun began to set until I would return home. I was never invited to play with another filly, nor was I happily accepted to work in groups by my classmates. Quite the contrary, they would beg the teacher to not assign me with them. ‘He’s weird!’, ‘He talks funny!’, ‘He won’t help at all! He can’t do anything!’ I’d hear these excuses to exclude me from being part of their group quite frequently. I was never really accepted by anypony. My mother and father neglected me and never really paid attention to me. I was forced to learn to mature by my own matters. They would feed me, but never talk to me during our dinners. They’d take me out, but only to later on give me a small sack with 10 bits in it and tell me to scurry off somewhere and come back home when I was done. I grew up never knowing what it was liked to be loved, to be cared for, to have someone by your side. However, I never felt that I needed it for most of my childhood, until I started to become older. When I entered High School, nopony would talk to me. I wasn’t athletic, and I was quite lonely. I had the best grades in the class, but that only led me to more insults. ‘Haha! Nerd!’, ‘Ugh, that pony must think he’s so cool ‘cause he has good grades. Go hide in a hole egghead!’ I was told by my teachers that words are just words, and that they don’t mean anything. I never believed that. Words may just be abstract, intangible objects, but so is pain. The pain caused by this insults grew inside me slowly, time by time. By the time I went to my first High School Prom, I didn’t have a date, and I just sat and watched all the happy couples dancing. One of the prettiest girls of my class, Stephanie, asked me to dance with her, and I found this quite a surprise, because this was the first time she had talked to me. ‘Hey, wanna dance?’ she asked in a high pitched, happy voice. ‘Uh, su-sure.’ I responded nervously. I didn’t really know how to dance either, so she was the one leading me most of the dance. I felt happy on the inside. However, I started to notice that we were heading closer to the refreshments table, swing by swing. I said ‘Hey, I-I think we’re getting too close to the table, Stephanie.’ She looked me in the eye and stopped dancing. ‘I know.’ She had a small smirk on her face and she had a malevolent tone in her voice. I gave her a quizzical look, however that didn’t last very long until she pushed me against the table. I stumbled and tipped it over, and all the punch landed on my suit. ‘Haha! You really thought I’d dance with you? You’re a crazy weirdo! Loser!’ Everypony in the auditorium started laughing at me, and I stood up, and I said ‘Thank you, I was getting a bit hot. That punch really cooled me off.’ While I looked at Stephanie dead in the face. I stormed out of the auditorium, with the room going quiet as I left. I ran to my hiding place, the woods weren’t that far from the school, and I sobbed while I curled into a ball for a long time. I soon fell asleep.

II

                I was awoken abruptly in the early morning by a squirrel scurrying on top of me. The sun had barely started to rise; it must have been 5 or 6 in the morning. I tried to review everything that had happened last night, why I was here in the forest, where I was before reaching here. After remembering what had happened at prom last night, I felt a sharp cringe in my stomach, and began to sob. Why were ponies so mean? We did they hate me? What had I done to them to deserve such awful things? I had tried to be nice to everypony I met, as I knew, that no matter how happy a pony can appear to be, we are all hurt on the inside. I never wanted to cause harm or danger to anypony, I just wanted a friend. I just wanted somepony to share moments with, to share happiness and sadness with eachother. However they only viewed me as an outcast. As somepony that wasn’t good enough to be around them. I had spent many years in hiding from the society. I had been led to believe that I should be around others, to avoid them despair. I wanted to know what a hug felt like while I was trembling of sadness in the grass. I wanted to know what the feeling of someone’s hooves wrapped around me, warming me, with their heat, and their hearts. After a long time of realizing how alone I was, I got up, and said to myself, “I’m going to make something of myself. No matter how many people try to mock me, or impede me, I will succeed. I will make a friend today. This is the beginning of a new start.” I wiped the tears off, and trotted back towards Ponyville, with the sun rising behind me. As I walked through the town, I saw the shops opening up, but the town was still calm and asleep. I walked to the little house on top of one of the hills, and opened the door with my spare key. My parents weren’t awake, which relieved me. I quietly trotted upstairs, and opened the door to my room, and began packing my necessities. After I had gotten my luggage situated, I opened a small cabinet in the corner of my room. In it were all of the bits I had saved since I was a colt, since I had never spent most of the bits my parents gave me when they took me out to town. In the sack were around 5,000 bits. I trotted back down into the living room. I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and began to write a note.

                “Dear Mother and Father,

                               Thank you for assisting me in my childhood. Although you may have not been there most of the time, I thank you very much for bringing me into this world as the colt I was, and am today. I thank you father, and mother for being here with me. Although maybe not lovingly, but physically. I know you didn’t want me around most of the time, and I like to apologize for being such a burden. I’d like you to know however, that will end today. Today, I am leaving the house, so you can enjoy being without a burden such as I. I’ve been at the top of my class since I began my academic career, if that makes you feel any bit proud of me. Whether or not you are worried about me being safe, I can assure you I will be.
                                                                                                                                             With love,
                                                                                                                                             Swing Box.”

I felt a tear fall down my cheek, and it landed on the piece of paper. I left it on the table in the kitchen and headed out the door. The sun had risen higher much more than when I last paid attention to it. It must have been around 7. It was a Saturday, since prom was always celebrated on a Friday at my school. Well, my old school. I headed towards the train station, at the north end of the town center. I saw some of the other ponies who went to my school, but I quickly evaded eye contact. As I reached the train station, I saw the ticket vender barely entering the ticket booth.
“Why hello, young pony, how may I help you today?” He asked happily.
“I-I’d like to buy a ticket to Fillydelphia please.” I answered nervously.
“Fillydelphia? That’s a long trip little filly. What are you gonna do there?” He asked, shocked.
“I-I’m going to find a friend there, sir.”
“Well, don’t you got friends here?” He asked worriedly.
“No-no sir. I don’t have anypony I can call a friend here. I’ve been excluded by society my whole life. I want to start anew. I want to succeed in life, without having others try to bring me down.” I felt like crying, but I stopped myself.
“Oh. Well, I-I’m sorry about that son. I’ll do you a favor. I’ll cut the price for the ticket in half for ya. Wadda ya say?”
“Thank you, sir.”
I handed him 25 bits and he handed me the ticket. I stuffed it into my shirt pocket and grabbed my luggage. Before I could reach the end of the entrance tunnel,  I heard the vendor yell.
“Hey boy!” He shouted. I turned around curiously, and he waved for me to go over to him. I went towards him, and he hugged me. I felt a small tear fall down my cheek.
“Son, if you ever come back to ol’ lil’ Ponyville, you can call me your friend. Ya hear?” I hear him sniff quietly.
“Th-thank you sir.” I said with my voice cracking.
“Go out there and make something out of yourself, young pony. Remember, I believe in ya.”
I thanked him for his support, and turned around and headed towards the exit of the tunnel. I started to cry quietly, but I managed to stop myself, no matter how difficult it was. I looked at the departures sign at the east side of the station, and the Fillydelphia train had yet to even arrive. It was scheduled to leave at 10 AM. I opened my luggage bag, got a shiny old wrist watch out and put it on. After that, I looked and saw that it was 8 AM barely. I went over to a bench, and sat there to wait for my train. I felt like there was a part of me that wasn’t there before. Could this be what happiness felt like?

Edited June 21, 2013 by The Paris Swing Box

[Pinkiepieness 95]

Like I said when I was proofreading these. They are amazing!!! So sad though! But great writing! I loved it a lot! Keep up the good work! ^,^

[repsol rave 2,963]

i'm not really a fan of the sad story's. but this one was very good. it kept me intersted in reading more the intire story. and i must say you are very talented! i'm excited to read more of your writing!

[SoarinBlue 202]

The writing is pretty good. The most glaring thing I noticed was the distressing lack of paragraph breaks though. That's an easy enough fix, but important if you want to have people actually read it. Most people just see a big brick of text without breaks and will close the tab right there. So yeah, add in paragraph breaks in the appropriate places.

 

Second thing I would change is that there is a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. The scene at the dance was one of the few examples of the reader actually being shown what this colt's life is like (also, the character is male but is referred to as a filly at least once in the story from my quick read of it. Make sure the gender use is consistent throughout). The rest is the character just talking about how much his life sucks and how no one likes him. Instead of that, show why and how he's treated this way. The first part of the story is more like a monologue by the character as opposed to a story where things happen, let the scenes deliver the message instead of the character directly stating it. Perhaps changing it to 3rd person would help with this

 

Anyway, that's my first impression of it. It's got some promise but needs polish

 

Edit: The break between parts in the story is also kind of arbitrary. That could easily be combined into a single story. Content wise, this introduction is very short, and seems unfinished. My advice would be to write a bit more about what happens, some kind of adventure or whatever you have planned, and then combine it into a single story

Edited June 21, 2013 by SoarinBlue