[Open] Feedback for your OC for Roleplaying!

[Inactive01 5,299]

Golden Spike

 

Appearance: Oh this is a divergence from your typical OCs. He certainly looks like a down-to-Earth pony from first impressions. I also like the facial hair you gave him. Surely it makes him more manly! The construction outfit (is it that?) you gave him is also a nice accessory. Nevertheless, he looks quite young which confused me when I started reading the backstory. He's enjoying retirement, so I think you should make him look a little older to reflect that. So far so good from here though!

Score: 8/10

 

Backstory: You certainly put quite the effort here from first impressions. Now for the details. For starters, I think you should make sure from the start that you're telling a story that's pre-FiM. What I mean is that you say he's born in Canterlot. My first impression was that it's nearly modern-day Canterlot because your OC looked young when it reality it was probably nearly 70 years ago or something like that. A big question lays deep in my mind when you wrote the story:

• How on Earth did Golden Spike change his interest from history to engineering? This is key because it changes his destiny, and you didn't really mention that from the start.

This, other than the question of how he enjoyed his retirement are the only missing spots in your OC's backstory. I also suggest you add stuff about his other lives. 

• Did he ever marry? Did his excessive work rate ever get reactions of concern from his peers? Sure he got concern from the doctors, but what about his friends (if he had any)?

Other than that, an old stallion enjoying his retirement may not be able to go in as many adventures anymore, especially considering his injuries. Just keep that in mind when you want to roleplay in the future.

Score: 8/10

 

Personality: This section's got characteristic traits that fit well with the backstory and appearance. You can try adding more stuff if you can think of any. Maybe he has some sort of tool that he cherishes from all the work he's done on the railway perhaps. Other than that, it's a short, but sweet section.

Score: 8/10

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

@@Sterling Crimson,

 

Hey thanks for the review! I'll add those tiny details in and change some locations to make the backstory close to canon time.  

[Inactive01 5,299]

@@Sterling Crimson,

 

Hey thanks for the review! I'll add those tiny details in and change some locations to make the backstory close to canon time.  

Well you don't have to make it close to canon time. You just have to make sure we know you're talking about a story from long ago as a flashback is all

@zenofan1

Pastel Sketch

 

Appearance: She certainly looks like a very cute pony for starters. And very... eccentric. What's that thing she's wearing? I can never seem to catch the name of it. It certainly makes her look cuter *gives giggle*. Is it just me, or do the brown polka dots make her look like a cow too (no I'm not teasing here)? If that's what you intended, that's cool. I find her overall appearance cute and whimsical, which is nice.

Score: 9/10

 

Backstory: Woah that's a lot of mystery surrounding her brother. What's up with that? Are you planning something with that, cause if you are, it'll be very interesting. I've got some questions for you though!

• Where is her cutie mark story? I can sense that her talent for drawing was found while she was on flight camp (or maybe slightly later), but you didn't mention that!
• You mentioned the mom during this backstory, but what about the dad? 
• You never mentioned what happened after the flight camp. How did the parents react to Drawn not being seen again after walking away with the coach? What about Pastel? How did she feel? 
• What was the rest of her childhood like? When exactly did the events of the flight camp occur in her life?

There's some ideas here, but there isn't much chronology for the reader to understand where you're going with the story. There's also a lot that needs to be said as to what happens after the events of the flight camp. Finally, you didn't place a cutie mark story.

Score: 4.5/10

 

Personality: There's some ok things in there, but you can go deeper with each of them. For example,

• How calm and laid-back is she? Can she get stressed easily, or is she REALLY laid back like Baloo from Talespin (if you've watched the series)?
• Does her mom ever complain to her about being lazy? You can add that to go deeper into her lazy personality.  
• Any idea as to how one can convince her to put her mind to it and be cooperative? How about some enticing, like chocolates? It could be a nice place where you add a quirk about her.
• I can imagine her being reliable with drawing, but have you ever imagined her being lazy despite the job involving drawing? Just something to consider.

Score: 6/10

[Doc. Volt 2,561]

You're talking about Doc. Volt right? If so, then I'll give you a PM of a review of your new backstory. I haven't gotten around to it because of all the work I have to do. Sorry about that.

hey no problem mate.. do it only if you want and when you are free! not on a rush or something like that! By the way thanks!

[zenofan1 11]

Well you don't have to make it close to canon time. You just have to make sure we know you're talking about a story from long ago as a flashback is all

@zenofan1

Pastel Sketch

 

Appearance: She certainly looks like a very cute pony for starters. And very... eccentric. What's that thing she's wearing? I can never seem to catch the name of it. It certainly makes her look cuter *gives giggle*. Is it just me, or do the brown polka dots make her look like a cow too (no I'm not teasing here)? If that's what you intended, that's cool. I find her overall appearance cute and whimsical, which is nice.

Score: 9/10

 

Backstory: Woah that's a lot of mystery surrounding her brother. What's up with that? Are you planning something with that, cause if you are, it'll be very interesting. I've got some questions for you though!

• Where is her cutie mark story? I can sense that her talent for drawing was found while she was on flight camp (or maybe slightly later), but you didn't mention that!
• You mentioned the mom during this backstory, but what about the dad? 
• You never mentioned what happened after the flight camp. How did the parents react to Drawn not being seen again after walking away with the coach? What about Pastel? How did she feel? 
• What was the rest of her childhood like? When exactly did the events of the flight camp occur in her life?

There's some ideas here, but there isn't much chronology for the reader to understand where you're going with the story. There's also a lot that needs to be said as to what happens after the events of the flight camp. Finally, you didn't place a cutie mark story.

Score: 4.5/10

 

Personality: There's some ok things in there, but you can go deeper with each of them. For example,

• How calm and laid-back is she? Can she get stressed easily, or is she REALLY laid back like Baloo from Talespin (if you've watched the series)?
• Does her mom ever complain to her about being lazy? You can add that to go deeper into her lazy personality.  
• Any idea as to how one can convince her to put her mind to it and be cooperative? How about some enticing, like chocolates? It could be a nice place where you add a quirk about her.
• I can imagine her being reliable with drawing, but have you ever imagined her being lazy despite the job involving drawing? Just something to consider.

Score: 6/10

omg thank you so much owo I'll work on it right away

[ShadOBabe 18,997]

Hmmmmm... okay, why not?

It's always good to get other people's take on things.

And no one's forced to do what they don't want to anyway. So let's feedback this bad boy!! X3

 

So here's my OC:

 

 

 

 

And here's the link to the deviation where her personality and backstory are (in the artist comments): http://shadobabe.deviantart.com/art/My-Little-Pony-OC-Fortune-Flair-414930808

Edited November 25, 2013 by ShadOBabe

[Inactive01 5,299]

Vokun

 

Appearance: He looks almost lizard-like. Nice camo look for his body. His eye colour is also intriguing to say the least. He also looks really tiny compared to other ponies. After considering the fact that he's not a pony however, I realize that you've got an interesting character regardless. What exactly is it though? If it's an original creation, I suggest you delve deeper into its kind before you get into the specifics of his character and backstory.

Score: 8/10

 

Backstory: Wait, wait, wait! You instantly go into his life as a gambler?! Why don't you give us some delight in what happens before that? His rise to fame, his beginnings, and his downfall! It provides a perfect arch for your OC's backstory! Here's some other questions for you:

• So who killed him? Were they ever given their dues?
• What happened when he got the cult of Nightmare Moon over his head? How did it happen in the first place?
• What games did he like to play at the casinos?
• How did he discover his love of gambling? (Cutie Mark story)
• This necromancer... any ideas as to why he wanted to save Vokun's life in particular?

So basically, you've got a long way to go, even though you're beginning to ferment some ideas about his story. To really hit the idea of a life as a Wraith home, contrast it with his previous life and describe his personality there.

Score: 3/10

 

Personality: This part doesn't need to say much because of his traits as a Wraith. So I can't say much more than what you've already said. However, has he ever felt any hint of desire towards forgiveness or another method to peace?

Score: 7/10

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

Could you maybe do a review on another of my OCs. 

 

Choco Delight: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/choco-delight-r4723

 

Haven't put her in an RP yet. Will do it soon. 

[Inactive01 5,299]

@GameytheGeemer

Chain Mail

 

Appearance: Nothing much can be determined from his appearance at this point. I can sense that he could be cunning or brave, but not much else. His sword cutie mark also depicts something, but I can't really tell at this point. Some costumes and the like would really help give me a clearer first impression towards your OC.

Score: 6.5/10

 

Backstory: When you say "all of things" in attachment with librarians, why do you say that? I'm just wondering because it gives a negative impression of his family's background. If it fits well with his relationships with his family, then that's a good start. Ahh attention deficiency. I like that idea. Keep growing on it as you continue to form your OC's character. I also have other questions for your OC:

• One of the biggest issues with your character is that I don't know where all the events are taking place. Place them in so that they not only have contextual purpose, but also literary purpose! Maybe there's a facet of life you want to attack based on his birthplace.
• How much did his parents care for him? Did they love him, or did they pressure him a lot because of his attention deficits? Did they ever try to alleviate his attention issues?
• You have to rewrite the fight scene that occurs before he was sent to the hospital and you need to write more about his bootcamp experiences. A lot more detail and clarity is needed in order to better establish his character.

So yeah, I can see what you're trying to do, but there's not enough clarity and foundation to make his character stand out. Work on it.

Score: 4/10

 

Personality: You've given him two components of his personality that pertain to his duties, so that's nice. Did you consider his attention deficits when you wrote about it at the start? Linked with your backstory, you never really get deeper into that after you first mention it in the backstory, which is quite disappointing. Think about the effects it could have on his fighting abilities, or his desire to read. Does it affect him academically in any way? Would he use force rather than diplomacy to solve problems as a result? Think deeper!

Score: 7/10

[Hive King 2,001]

Thanks for doing Vokun, I fixed him up. Since you're open again, I enter Kel

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/kel-r5089

 

I'll keep coming back here until all my OCs get done

[Inactive01 5,299]

@ShadOBabe

Fortune Flair

 

Appearance: Aww she looks so cute as a baby! And you showed her in her developmental stages! This is so awesome! Her messy hair style also fits her well... carefree notions on her looks because... well.. she's performing acts on the circus! I like the colour scheme too. Bright and flashy. Nice combo for the circus too! So, a good start here!
Score: 9.5/10

 

Backstory: I found it a challenge to eek through the backstory. It would be very nice for you to create your OC character in the character database on this site. It's user friendly and very easy to set up! You say that a lot of the details are coming, but I wish you had them ready before I reviewed it. Nevertheless, I have some suggestions:

• Have her ferment some sort of divide between her and her parents. Find a series of conflicts that would highlight the issue and let it climax to her running away from home.  
• The Golden Rings Carnival... describe it. Where did it come from? Does anyone know? What about its reputation? What about its need for circus actors and actresses? How big was it?
• How did Fortune know those ponies so easily? Surely there was some specific encounter that occurred to lead to her loving the place.
• You should develop a cutie mark story involving the trapeze or luck because you said she loves the trapeze a lot!
  • Also, why did she love the trapeze so much?

Those are just some questions that will help your OC develop. Some unique stuff here, but they need to develop before your OC can really take shape.

Score: 6/10

 

Personality: You don't say much about her personality, but you CAN make her like Pinkie Pie in many ways. Just don't make her a carbon copy that's all. Give her some other weaknesses. Possibly her tendency to take too many risks at the trapeze maybe? How about her ability to feel empathy towards those who also felt alone and pushed away like her? I also suggest you make a separate section for this so I can better see where her personality traits are. How about her tendency to get lucky? She is filled with Fortune based on her name!

Score: 5/10

[ShadOBabe 18,997]

@ShadOBabe

Fortune Flair

 

Thanks for the comments friend, but I wasn't thinking clearly!!

I'm afraid I just expected you to give thoughts on what I already had, but not ideas.

Just my own goof up. But I don't take story suggestions EVER. I don't like other people to do work for me, so I'm not going to read them. Just an artistic eccentricity of mine. Matter of fact if you just edit them out so I don't see, I would really appreciate it (even though I know it was my own stupid fault for not thinking).

 

I will say some of they things you suggested will be answered. But I don't want to just spew them all forth in one go.

That would ruin all the story ideas I have for the future. I have stories planned for her history with her family, and you'll see more of the characters and scenery of the the Carnival when I draw them. These aren't things I forgot, just things that haven't being brought up because that would ruin all the surprise.

 

But I'm not sure what you mean by being like Pinkie Pie.

I only mentioned Pinkie once when I was describing my opinions on Earth pony magic, but I'm afraid to look back at your comments to see what you're talking about. I would really bug me if something I had planned in the future looks like I got it some someone else. Don't be offended, I know that sounds nuts, but that's just a peeve of mine.

 

But I did see your grade for her design. So glad you like it!! X3

Edited November 25, 2013 by ShadOBabe

[Inactive01 5,299]

@ShadOBabe

 

I mentioned Pinkie Pie because I felt that her outgoing nature and somewhat difficult past would be similar with Pinkie's story, the only difference being that your OC's involved with the circus. 

And don't worry about taking my ideas! All of the best ideas in the world were based on previous ideas (well, most of them). What you should worry about is just taking my advice with a pinch of salt while at the same time take parts of it so that you can make your OC shine.

Edited November 25, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[Inactive01 5,299]

Choco Delight

 

Appearance: Oh! A cute OC from you for once! You've certainly made her very cute and sprightly! And chocolate colour too! That certainly fits well with my first impressions of her! Hehe, so cute! That's all I can say really! Hehe! Maybe give her an accessory that makes her even cuter perhaps? Maybe a chocolate bar?

Score: 9/10

 

Backstory: Chubby?! My cwushie is chubby! I'd wuv someone chubby! (Ok Paul... stop. Fine!) Ok, back to the backstory. You gave her a cutie mark story that fits her appearance and personality well, but is that really all to her backstory?

• Any parental interactions with her? What did they think of her love for sweets and her chubbiness? How did they handle the bullying from the other foals?
• What happened to her after her cutie mark story? What were her ambitions and the like? What did she want to do? Did the bullying still persist and was she able to lower her chubbiness?
• The old owner was a blank flank? Aww really?
• Give an anecdote of her spreading her love to other people even after what happened through all the bullying. I think it would provide a sense of completion.

You've got some good ideas here, but you need to keep the story going.

Score: 6.5/10

 

Personality: Her personality fits her very well, and is just as I expected for someone like her, However, you can afford to add some stuff. How does she treat her chubbiness (if she does have it)? How does she react towards stallions who try approaching her? Umm... does she have any fear of spiders or anything that's scary for a typical mare? Just some extra stuff like that will provide more colour to her. OH, how about types of candies? Is she picky about the candies she likes, or is she open to all types of candies? So yeah, some stuff to consider.

Score: 7.7/10

Edited November 27, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

@@Sterling Crimson,

 

Hey thanks for another awesome review. Yeah, I'm gonna go back and edit her backstory and tweak it a little. I think I wrote it on a day when I was rushing to do something. But yeah, again thanks! 

[Hive King 2,001]

I've got another, Kel. His image is from a DBZ game but he doesn't actually look like that, it's just the best picture I could find of evil metal

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/kel-r5089

[Dark Dawn 24]

Well, I have only made one so far... the character link is my my signature.  If you want me to type it out here I'd be more than willing!  Anyway... I'm a pretty new brony... and haven't done much creative writing in awhile.  I'm also working on an image not generated through a pony maker... hence why the cutie mark is missing.  Thank you for your time.  

 

Edit:  Current image was made through one of the many makers there are out there.

Edited November 27, 2013 by Dark Dawn

[Fanglore 140]

i would like to hear what you have to say about Fallen Star. i am currently working on a fanfic for him so i would like to here what you like and dislike before i set him in stone. 

 

thanks ahead of time http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/fallen-star-r5043

[Inactive01 5,299]

Kel

 

Appearance: This character certainly looks very interesting. He certainly looks very intimidating and evil, which after I read the backstory and personality, fits very well with his appearance. Also, what is DBZ? I'm not sure what that is sorry. And it can change form? Wow... what forms can he possess? If it's unlimited, then what forms does he like the most? Other than that, you have a very cool looking OC.

Score: 9.5/10

 

Backstory:  Wait what's our Equestria? Which Equestria did Kel form from and destroy? I'm sorry if I'm not understanding the backstory, but I wish you made that clearer. Why exactly did the Elements of Harmony perform such a damaging... creature? That's also what I can't understand because the Elements of Harmony are supposed to harmonize the world... not destroy it. I'm fine with people diverging away from canonical understanding of FiM, but they MUST, MUST, MUST make it really clear what diverged and make it convincing. Otherwise, the backstory practically falls apart. I'm interested in what you have here, but you need to make it much clearer, particularly the different Equestria dimensions you're discussing.

Score: 3/10

 

Personality: The character's sense of evil is really portrayed here. And his great levels of power too. It would most certainly make for a good villain. I don't have much else to say about this section because he's an it for starters. Plus, you've already portrayed his level of evil decently.

Score: 8/10

[MrPandaa 204]

Hey, I don't know if you do this, but if you're willing to, I'd love it if you re-evaluated my same OC from before, Shadow Footsteps.  I made some pretty big changes (mostly adding details and removing contradictions) to his backstory, and fixed all the things you told me to earlier, so he should be a much better character now.

Thanks either way!

[Keypassion 232]

I'd like you to review my OC Keypassion please.

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/keypassion-r5241

Bear in mind that he's still mostly a WIP.

[Inactive01 5,299]

I will get to all these reviews, but I am currently on hiatus. I have exams to finish and I want to do well in all of them before I go for any other venture. This does not mean I've given up on the thread. I'll put it back on next week.

[Inactive01 5,299]

@Dark Dawn

Appearance: 

I honestly don't know what to make of this character. It's not that he looks bad. It's just that I don't see much of what makes Dark Dawn who he is. If you take my OC Sterling Crimson for instance, I made him look simple and small because I wanted to emphasize how diminutive he is compared to the rest of the world. I also made him a unicorn to represent his intelligence and placed a well kept brown mane to represent his need to be a neat stallion. When I read your personality and backstory sections, I honestly didn't feel his appearance matched it very well. Plus, I don't think your personality or backstory sections really help make himself shine too well (more on that in a sec).

Score: 5/10

 

Backstory: It's a really vague backstory that doesn't get into the events that made him who he is. I don't know where he's from for starters. I know he's a student, but to who? What of this interaction between student and teacher? Did it impact your OC a lot? And why did he want to freeze himself when Nightmare Moon was banished? Did he feel a special connection to her or did he want to see Nightmare Moon rise again after she came back?

 

I honestly don't see any direction in the backstory, and I really think you need to retool all of it. Think back all the way to the start. Begin with his birth and his childhood. Then add the important events that come along to help him find his destiny (cutie mark story!). Then add other events that you feel change the course of his life (both subtle and significant, preferably subtle) and find places where you can give suspense to the reader.

Score: 1/10

 

Personality: At the very least, I see some of the traits you mention fit well with his appearance. But that's about it... To what extent is he bookish? Twilight Sparkle level or even more? Does he ever get motivated by anything? If not, you can place a legit reason for that in your backstory (see how backstory and personality are linked?). Also, talented and bright are two sides of the same coin. You could say he has a lot of raw potential to make that more succinct. Insecure... how so? And to what extent? (give a reason for that in your backstory!) 

 

You've got some traits down, but you need to be more specific about them to create a truly unique character. 

Score: 5/10

Edited December 28, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[MrPandaa 204]

Hey, welcome back, Sterling! How'd exams go?

[Inactive01 5,299]

Hey, welcome back, Sterling! How'd exams go?

They went really well. I was just swamped with other stuff before I could reopen this thread, particularly Christmas and applications. 

 

I think you asked me to review another OC of yours? I'll get to it tonight.