drama The Most Powerful

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

Just finished writing this story. It's been stuck in my mind and I was finally able to put it down in words. 

 

Critique and proofreading is wanted. 

 

 

It was late at night, just the two of us. Dashie and I on our way home from my friend’s farm. It was a walk through a dark forest. Not just any dark forest, but a forest filled with creatures that stalk the night, including one of the most poisonous snakes that roamed the earth.

 

         With Rainbow Dash on my side, I knew that we would protect each other in case of danger. However, It was said that some people who roamed that forest were never seen again. Most likely, they were either bit by the poisonous snake, or lost in there until they completely became dehydrated or starved to death.

 

         As we were walking by a bush, I suddenly heard hissing. I gasped. “The snake!” I said in a loud whisper. “What?” Rainbow Dash asked. “I said, the snake!” I repeated. “What snake?” Rainbow Dash asked thinking she didn’t remember. “You know Rainbow, that snake that has claimed the lives of those who don’t take caution in this forest?” I asked. “Pft, that snake won’t get the likes of me!” Rainbow Dash said. “Rainbow! Why the hay would you say that? Anything can happen at any minute! Watch that cockiness of yours…it could just come back and bite you.” I said sternly. The hiss grew louder as we spoke. We then continued to walk. Little did we know that the snake had already caught our scent and it was silently following behind us.

 

         As we got close to the deepest part of the forest, moving clouds obscured the light of the moon. I therefore took out my flashlight. I kept a sharp watch all around me for Dash’s sake and mine. However, I forgot to change the batteries of the flashlight and 10 minutes later, it died. “Crap! No flashlight! We just have to keep watch with what we’ve got.” I said to Rainbow Dash. She still looked at me with that “that’s no problem” look on her face.

 

         As we were getting close to the end of the deepest part of the forest, the hissing returned. I kept a sharp eye out. Suddenly the hissing died down. I had a bad feeling that something was gonna happen and sure enough it happned. The snake lunged out of the bush and bit Rainbow Dash right on her rear right leg. Rainbow Dash let out a cry of pain. The venom of the snake was entering Rainbow Dash’s bloodstream and drained almost all of her strength. My heart was racing, for I didn’t want anything to happen to Dash, yet at the same time, I was frozen in place. I was shocked at how fast the snake came out of nowhere. My friend was right. That snake indeed was one of the most poisonous snakes in the world.

 

         After recovering from a short paralysis shock, I grabbed a nearby stick and started to hit the snake that still had its fangs sunk into Rainbow Dash’s leg. I had to get that snake off and fast or else Rainbow would die. I then went in close and tried my best to pry the snake off of her leg. Rainbow Dash was breathing fast and panicked. “Hold on Rainbow, I’m getting him off of you!” I said as I continued to pry the snake off of her leg. After 3 minutes of fighting and almost getting bit myself, I finally got it off her leg. I then picked up the snake by the tail and head, and threw into some twigs. The snake almost lunged at me when I threw it, but I dodged it just in the knick of time.

 

I then turned to Rainbow, who was struggling hard to stay up. She tried her hardest but collapsed on the cold gravel path. She then turned to me. In a feeble voice she said, “I feel…weak. I can’t move…anything. DK, what's happening to me?” She asked with tears welling up in her eyes. I then realized it, the venom from the snake was working it’s way through Dash’s body. If I didn’t get her to the hospital in time, she would die. Time was critical. I then gently but quickly picked her up. “ The snake! It got you! Come on Dash! Let’s get you to the hospital. I’m sorry Dash, but I’m gonna have to tell you the truth. If I don’t get you to the hospital on time…you’ll die.” I said trying to hold back the tear. She looked in my eyes. “No! I-I don’t wanna die! Please! Don’t let me die!” She said starting to cry and hugging me tightly. “You won’t die, I-I won’t let you!” I proclaimed starting to run at a brisk pace avoiding the roots and twigs.

 

I continued to run, not losing any steam. I was completely on adrenaline. Rainbow Dash was still breathing quite fast and crying. Her energy was slowing fading away. I continued to speed up my pace. Twenty minutes passed. I found myself at the edge of the forest and saw my car parked right by the sign of the forest. I quickly put Rainbow Dash in the backseat, gunned the engine and flew off onto the country roads. By now, it was 11pm.

 

Soon, I got on the main roads. I could hardly hear Dash’s breathing over the sound of the engine. “Come on! Come on! Stay with me Dashie! Don't die on me!” I yelled as I looked in the rearview mirror to see Dash’s eyes slowly closing. I put the pedal to the floor. I was hitting 80mph on the main roads weaving through traffic. I ran a red light nearly getting t-boned by a semi.

 

I finally arrived at the hospital. I parked in the main area where ambulances enter. I then got Rainbow out the backseat and kicked the entrance door open hard and looked around. “Help! Help! I’ve got a Pegasus pony here who was bit by an venomous snake! She’s gonna die if you don’t do anything…please.” I said trying to catch my breath. A nurse spotted and ran to me. She told me to calm down but I couldn’t, for I was afraid that I would lose Dashie if action wasn’t taken. I then explained the whole story and she understood. She took Dashie out of my hand and ran to an avalible room. The room was filled with many surgical tools, needles, a defribulator, oxygen tanks and monitors. The nurse quickly called in for more staff. Meanwhile I was sitting in the chair praying that Rainbow would make it.

 

The nurse called for antivenin. A fellow nurse went to fetch it from the supply area. A nurse then gave Rainbow an IV with fluids to keep her stable. I looked at the heart monitor. There was a steady pulse but it was fading away. A tear fell from my eye. A nurse then knelt beside me. “It’ll be okay. We will save her.” She said comfortingly wrapping my hand in her warm hand.

 

Meanwhile a nurse ran in with the antivenin and put it though the IV. The line on the heart monitor was getting flatter and flatter. “Please don’t die. Please don’t die! PLEASE don’t die!” I prayed out loud. The line kept getting flatter and flatter. There was almost no pulse. A nurse called for the defribulator. “No! A-Anything but that!” I thought as I began to cry. To me, it seemed like everything was moving in slow motion. Then…it happened, the worst possible thing. The line…went flat. Nurses came in with the defribulator. “Clear!” One said as they delivered a shock. Nothing happened. They tried again. Still, nothing happned. It is said that third times the charm, but…not this time. They went in for a third shock but still…nothing happened. “No!” I shouted loudly bursting into tears. A nurse came and comforted me, but I was too broken to receive the comfort. Rainbow Dash, the one I loved, the one who stood beside me…was dead.

 

I was crying very hard, for one of the most important things in my life…was now gone. I couldn’t move on, it was just too hard. I felt like I wanted to end it all. I then went by Dashie’s side and wrapped her cold hoof in my hands. “You…were always there for me…when…I needed you. Despite your flaws…you would always…try to become better.” I said still crying. “Please, if you can still hear me…I love you…you’re the greatest…friend…I…ever…had…” I proclaimed with many tears cascading down my eyes. The long beep of the flat line was still ringing. I just couldn’t let go of her hoof.

 

Then, something happened. My warmth, my kindness, everything that I did for her, from calling her friend…to being with her until now, seemed like an energy that traveled through her body. I realized it and opened my eyes. I saw sparkles like pixie dust traveling though my body and onto the motionless body of Rainbow Dash as she lay there with her eyes closed. A red aura, the same color as her loyalty necklace, surrounded Rainbow Dash. It then faded away. Then…the heart monitor started to register a light pulse. The pulse then grew, and grew, and grew. Soon Rainbow Dash began to move a little. I was still crying, but then I stopped to see the heart monitor with pulses on it. She then slowly opened her eyes and turned to me. She slowly began to smile and so did I.

 

“I…love…you…too…DK…” She said back. I then hugged her. “You’re alive!” I said now crying tears of joy. It was unexplainable to me. I didn’t know what happened. A nurse then passed by our room and saw both of us hugging each other with tears coming out of our eyes. “What just? How did?” She asked in shock. Another nurse then passed by. “Uh, why are you standing there?” She asked the nurse who was in shock at the current situation. “Th-that Pegasus pony we tried to save is alive again! I don’t know how this happened. Get all the nurses and doctors you can find to come here, ‘cause this is a miracle!” The nurse said.

 

Soon thirty doctors surrounded the room. Dashie looked up. “Uh, why are all these people looking at me?” She asked confused. “They want to know. They want to know how you came back to life.” I said with a smile, wiping the tears from my face. Rainbow Dash began to retell the story. She then came to the part where it happened. “I felt this…energy…it was warm…like a fire. As I opened my eyes…I saw him, looking right at me with tears in his eyes. I knew it right then. He…was my friend.” Rainbow explained. When Rainbow said the word friend, it echoed in my mind.

 

Suddenly, it came to me. I then gasped. “That’s it!” I yelled. The doctors looked at me and gasped as I was beside Rainbow. “There is a certain magic that resides in us all. It is the magic that binds us all together, makes you know me and me know you. It heals the brokenhearted and can bring new people into your life that you would least expect it. Back in the forest, when the snake bit Rainbow, I didn’t want her to die. Even though she was slowly dying, this magic that I speak of kept her alive inside. That is…the magic of friendship.” I explained. The room was silent. Suddenly, a nurse started to clap, then another, and another. Soon the entire room was clapping.

 

After everything returned to normal flow again, Rainbow Dash and I were chatting in the car. “I have to admit, besides the magic of friendship, I did learn something else.” Rainbow Dash told me. “And what is that?” I asked. “I learned that cockiness isn’t good.” She said. “And what else?” I asked. It can bite you back…if you’re not careful.” She said blushing. I looked at her and smiled.

 

Three months past. I was at home and soon got a call from my friend down on the farm. He invited me back to the farm. We stayed there for several nights. On the night we left we faced that forest again. I then looked up to the sky, no clouds at all. I then looked at Rainbow. “Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin?” I asked. She then spread her wings out and we both took to the skies. Dashie and I soaring in the night sky, it was the most beautiful thing. The magic of friendship…had struck once again.

 

THE END

Edited October 6, 2013 by Thunder-Dash

[Zygen 6,066]

Overall pretty good, much better then I could ever be.

 

Here are the typos I noticed, and other stuff.

 

When rainbow is in the car being driven to the hospital the main charactor says "rainbow dash DO die on me"

 

The part with rainbow and the doctors and when the doctor says "it heals the broken hearted and can bring new people into your life that you least expect it." just sounds akward, I think it should be when you least expect it or something.

 

Also I feel like when a different charactor speaks you should move to a new paragraph or skip a line or whatever, not sure if it's a rule, but It is something a lot of people do when writing, and makes things a lot easier to read and understand who's speaking.

 

That's just me though.

 

Overall it's pretty good. It may have been a little rushed at times, but good overall I think. Again much better then I could ever do.

 

Keep up the good work!

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

Overall pretty good, much better then I could ever be.

 

Here are the typos I noticed, and other stuff.

 

When rainbow is in the car being driven to the hospital the main charactor says "rainbow dash DO die on me"

 

The part with rainbow and the doctors and when the doctor says "it heals the broken hearted and can bring new people into your life that you least expect it." just sounds akward, I think it should be when you least expect it or something.

 

Also I feel like when a different charactor speaks you should move to a new paragraph or skip a line or whatever, not sure if it's a rule, but It is something a lot of people do when writing, and makes things a lot easier to read and understand who's speaking.

 

That's just me though.

 

Overall it's pretty good. It may have been a little rushed at times, but good overall I think. Again much better then I could ever do.

 

Keep up the good work!

Thanks for the review! I went and fixed that one part with the "don't". I type pretty fast so...but anyway, I'm glad you liked the story. I did it all in an hour. 

[Zygen 6,066]

Thanks for the review! I went and fixed that one part with the "don't". I type pretty fast so...but anyway, I'm glad you liked the story. I did it all in an hour.

No problem! I was bored and I didn't have much to do, and I figured I'd review it since I know reviews for fanfics are hard to come by, especially if your not really well know or something.

 

Yeah it's cool, I make typos all the time, I type quite fast myself. And especially when I sometimes just don't think about sentences. .

 

And that's quite fast, and pretty darn good for an hour especially. I mean I spend way more then that trying to make a shorter story, and then it basically just freaking sucks.

 

I'm a pretty terrible writer though I'm thinking of just giving up on it, there's not really a need of bad fanfic writers.

 

But yeah, your writing is pretty good, it does give some nice dramatic moments, and made me consiciously worry, it wasn't just a boring moment, it had energy in it for sure.

 

So good job again! Kudos to a fast, and well done job! It does seem a bit rushed sometimes, but overall good.