offering critique OC Review - Free Constructive Feedback

[HaroldGenhi 82]

Mine was a bit difficult to make because it was hard for each point to be justified or explained unless I reached back quite a bit. It is a bit long winded and I do gloss over a few areas for the sake of not writing a novel of a backstory (Because frankly, Comet is rich with backstory and current story in terms of my world.) I've never really had someone critically rip it apart for criticisms so off we trot shall we?

 

One of my more fleshed out OCs:

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/comet-cloudburster-r8218

[Skygunner 352]

  On 2015-03-16 at 2:10 AM, HunterTSN said:

Not your run of the mill OC, have fun:

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/nymphaea-r7822

 

 

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Just gonna dive into this one.

 

She's OP.   Moreso,  she's OP for the sake of being OP.  Sorry, but she is.  To elaborate.

 

1 - She looks tiny, but is Super strong!    This is a very common thing,  and it isn't always a "bad" thing,  but when you add it on to all her other traits,  it becomes a worn out cliche.   The TLDR here is that she simply doesn't look the part that you're painting her out to be.  This is huge in terms of accepting her and what she does.

 

2 - She's been doing this for 100's of years.  This is a generalization,  but,  have you grown up in a village? Have you stayed in one?   Ponyville is not a large place,  it works pretty much like most human villages.   Everypony knows everypony else and a stranger sticks out like s sore thumb.   Remember how they responded to Zecora?  What about when Cheese Sandwich showed up?  Everypony noticed.    In the rural life,  little things do not go unnoticed,  and the sudden disappearance of a pony now and then would surely not be something eaisly forgotten.   The most recent episode even showed that unruly mobs are a thing in MLP,  so it's not hard to believe that the very annoyed residents of ponyville would simply mount an expedition to find whatevers taking ponies away and kill it.

 

3 -  Blank flank, blank flank, you're a blank flank.  Even in the show Blank flanks are made fun of.  Lack of a cutiemark is sorta a thing.   In the fan universes,  I can't think of a single OC that is a blank flank and hasn't been horridly mocked because of it.  Let's throw in a bit of the "small village"  deal from above,  and suddenly....how is she luring ponies anywhere?  How does anypony even trust her?  "Oh look a lovely pony that I've never seen before in this tiny village I live in.  No cutie mark but they're clearly old enough to have one, I'll just follow them down to a notoriously dangerous swamp"    This sorts logic implies that everypony in ponyville can't rationally think.

 

4 - Hydra.  That is the current apex predator of Froggy Bottom Bog.   Is she more powerful than a Hydra?  It seems her Method is to drown stuff,  and the hydra is not really drownable.  Likewise,  it is a direct competitor of her primary food source (Ponies),  so how in her 100's of years has this not become an issue?      

 

 

That's the long and short of "OP"   for her to exist as she does,  the world has to change quite a bit from how it functions already.   Ergo,  since that can't possibly be the case,  it falls on your character to transcend the world and exist how she wants too.   That means breaking those 4 points above.    

 

Is this fixable?  SURE!      First off,   if you want to keep her a beanpole,  that's ok.  But she's gotta gain something else for it.  Perhaps being ravishingly beautiful?  Perhaps social skills?

 

See you said that she is shy and quite and sorta dumb when it comes to talking with other ponies.  That implies that she just transforms herself into the hottest piece of buttox ever and just lures horny ponies off to their doom. Not entirely unusable, but very much a one trick.   "oooo, I'm so hot, lets go to the bog"

 

"the bog?  Isn't it smelly there?  And there's a hydra..."

 

"yeah, but I'll be there, and I know you need this plot in your life....boggggg"

 

"well I mean, yeah, but who are you even strange attractive lady who showed up and is now wooing me"

 

"BOGGGGGGG"

 

"well you convinced me, off to go boink a pony I just met in the least romantic place possible"

 

honestly,  that snippet above probably can't even happen in her character,  as it requires an outgoing pony. I can only imagine the scene where flutershy is trying to politely ask the bunnies to stop terrorizing ponyville. "umm,  would you please come to the bog with me,  uhhh, thank you"  This part of her character needs a lot of fleshing out. Describe the process,  make it fit her part. If she's ruthless and proficient....show it!  Because that's not how she reads.  

 

 

The whole dumb ponyville thing needs some addressing too.  Ruthless and proficient. Preying on a watered down version of canon is not that.  Ponyville is essentially a garden full of vegetables that she just goes down and plucks one from when she gets hungry. There's no tension what so ever in this.   IF they're completely unaware, and just come so willingly,  where's the excitement?  If there's no stakes then why would any story involving her be worth reading,  unless you just really really wanted to see a pony eat another pony after drowning it. 

 

That's he big one, and that's the major reason "she's super strong"  needs changing.  Making her capable of taking damage from a flailing pony would add some stakes. Making ponyville react to her eating one,  adds some stakes.   Even in the real world,  apex predators can get screwed by their prey.  A broken leg,  a deep gash,   these things will weaken them overtime, and eventually allow them to be overpowered.      She needs a sense of danger, or mortality. 

 

One final note. She is a direct threat to ponyville. She goes in, and pulls a pony out and kills it.  That is sorta the limit for keeping royal intervention away.  So why hasn't a princess,  who is essentially omnipotent,  done anything yet? 

 

 

Don't take this harshness as dislike.  You have a good potential here, it just needs  a lot of fleshing out and justifying.    I suggest you actually read some legends of both Kelpies, and mermaids as well. Sirens,  there's tons of creatures to work with here.   Draw up some inspiration and you can have a very organic character that isn't just a one trick show. 

 

 

 

[aoEAF2FBvC0MIo2Q 3,673]

Hi there, Skygunner. I'm working on a fan fic and it's important that these OCs fit into canon. (It's an OC only fan fic...)

 

This one is a unicorn by the name Snow Perch.

 

Appearance:

 

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Age: 31

 

Gender: Male

 

Species: Unicorn

 

Cutie Mark: Two fishes swimming in opposite directions with water rippling at the surface in between them.

 

Personality: Snow Perch tends to have a relaxed character most of the time. He can be very sociable, showing himself to be attuned and attentive but it can drain him pretty quickly depending on who he interacts with. The number of ponies he interact with can also affect how social situations drain him. Ponies who themselves are attuned and attentive tend to be the least tiresome while those who tend to be insecure and scrutinizing will take a much bigger toll on him. He tries to stay polite but he'll cut a conversation short if he feels like it's taking too much out of him. Another thing about him is that he tends to be more of a listener. You kinda have to ask him about himself to get him to talk about himself as he doesn't tend to do that on his own. 

 

Backstory: Snow Perch was born and grew up in Tall Tale. From an early age he's shown interest in fish and would pester his parents with questions about marine life. Some time later he had been somewhat regularly visiting the local aquarium and he particularly enjoyed those places where he could feed the animals or interact with them in some way. One day, that turned out to be the place he got his cutie mark. He started working at the aquarium although with different jobs. One of his early jobs was to just feed the animals but as work experience piled on and his knowledge of the animals expanded during that time, he got promoted to being the tour guide (which is where his people skills developed).

 

Eventually it was time to move begin his college education and he knew he was going to study marine biology and become the ultimate expert. Unfortunately his aspirations got the better of him. He became jealous of other ponies and became a shut-in so that he could concentrate only on his goal in becoming an authority figure and nopony is going to make him feel inadequate. No matter how hard he pushed himself, he wasn't improving but he refused to give up. At one point, money from his parents had stopped flowing to him but in his frantic fixation to get ahead, he went to get a job and never stopped to question why his parents' money wasn't making its way to him. One day he had gotten very severe panic attack and needed to be hospitalized. After repeated events, Snow Perch had to be discharged from the college for health reasons.

 

He had been devastated pretty fiercely and did throw fits of rage but once he calmed down and got back to his senses, he had seen the letters sent by his parents that he had been neglecting. There he finds out that his father had passed away almost a year ago. If he wasn't crushed before, he sure was then. Only there did he begin to see how his obsession with becoming a great authority figure on marine biology had gotten the better of him. All he knew he had to do was go see his mother and his siblings and let them know how sorry he is for everything.

 

His siblings had moved out of the house by the time he had returned home. These were very tough times. His mother had forgiven him but it took a while before he could forgive himself. In that time, he had been living with his mother but he also discovered that the aquarium he used to work in had closed down, now abandoned. In his spare time, he would wander the place, trying to relive the memories made there. Slowly but surely things were coming back to him but what does it all mean now? He knows he has a strong connection to fishes, he remembers how visiting and working there had felt right but something seems to be eluding him. Critical during this delicate re-development was his mother. She's a paediatrician and is quite adept with engaging with fillies and colts. With these skills and the bond they shared, they discussed this very confused stage of his life very openly, very vulnerably. You could kinda say that his mother has raised him not once but twice.

 

One day he started revisiting the place where he and his father would go fishing in his childhood. He went into the forest and took a boat out in one of the lakes where he would take a sack of fish feed and just feed the fresh water fish. Sometimes he would take snorkel goggles and go for dives. It was kind of a meditative experience for him until something caught his eye... Sometimes he would be jealous of the fishes because they don't seem to know suffering but then he noticed how simple these creatures are. They don't have all this baggage about being great, being ambitious, about being anything more than what they already are. One day, the wisdom in this simplicity had occurred to him in an epiphany. It was an experience comparable to when he got his cutie mark. He remembers now those days he was truly happy. He was the most happy when he simply had to take care of them and when he could watch and interact with them -- all before he lost his way because of ambition. It was then that he realized that his cutie mark isn't just a representation of a special talent but it represents who the person is and that includes how they see and experience the world. Everything made sense to him now, everything feels... right.

 

He's decided that he was going to live in the forest and had a log cabin built there where he now lives. He's said his goodbyes with his mother and gave him his most heartfelt gratitude for all the support she provided him in the darkest moments of his life. To this day, he visits her when he can.

 

Other: To this day, he lives in the cabin in the forest between Tall Tale and the Smokey Mountain. He knows basic unicorn spells like telekinesis, illumination, with the more unique spell being able to talk on water. He makes money by offering to take ponies on tours of the forest. He doesn't make much but he doesn't need much. He's quite minimalistic when it comes to home decor as he tends to spend much of the daytime outside. He does have a couple of blowing instruments where he would sometimes play songs inspired by the forest's ambiance. Much of what he plays is improvised and on-the-fly and he doesn't tend to write down any of his melodies. He has snorkeling gear as well as a pair of flippers for swimming in the lakes. In his cabin he also has this magical item that amplify the ambient energies of the forest. Having been exposed to it for a long time, he can tell if an unusual disturbance is nearing him. This is how he can pick up on the presence of ponies nearing his home. If they are lost, especially when it's dark, he'll pick up on it and investigate where he would offer any lost ponies to take shelter in his cabin or guide them out of the forest.

 

 

[P-Jay 1,987]

could ya review caliber?

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/caliber-r7887

Edited May 17, 2015 by PeytonJay

[Skygunner 352]

Oh look,  I'm back.

 

gosh theres a lot to go through.  Wan excuses?  Life,  that's my excuse.

 

Either way, opening this back up because i now have a considerably large amount of time to kill.  Gonna keep the list of everyone already,  read though most of them,  and will knock the out as they come,   however, it has been a year, so who even knows anymore.

 

Feel free to drop your OCs down,  gonna be burning lots of midnight oil for the next few days. 

[Pucksterv 4,508]

alright well I have had this oc for some time and to me she seems okay but well, lets hear what you think ^^

 

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/captain-caramel-r7952

[Skygunner 352]

  On 2016-05-06 at 9:27 AM, Pucksterv said:

alright well I have had this oc for some time and to me she seems okay but well, lets hear what you think ^^

 

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/captain-caramel-r7952

 

HMMMMMMMMMmmmmmm,   well now.

 

 

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Where to begin.  I'm going to start with a little note. Have you read my former critiques?  This one is actually quite hard to write because overall She is actually a fairly solid character. 

 

That being said there are a few loose ends that could get filled out.

 

When did she learn to sword fight?  It's her cutie mark after all,  one would imagine that this has been with her since being young,  but not a mention!   Perhaps her mother was a fencer and just drilled it into her head?  Maybe she just beat other ponies with sticks?  Dunno, not said.   

 

Her deliquency does raise a few quetions however.   See, my one issue is,  I'm fairly sure she is a pirate.   Right?  Is she a pirate?  I'm just not sure why she turned out as she did.  You paint her up to be a rather nice pony,  but she slacks of in school.  Her parents, despite being divorced both have a similar response,  namely to push her away.

Arguing with mother who eventually boots her out of school?

Dad sends her off to a camp?

 

I find it hard to believed that neither parent wanted to keep her around.   But, i digress.

 

It's this rejection by the family (where were her siblings in the becoming a pirate decision, or her friends at school?)  that eventually gets her in a camp where she learns boating and meets boat ponies?  Right?

 

That's really the worm in this apple.  You just need to connect up who she was, to who she is,  she got a good back story, and a good current life,  just bridge the two now to support the other. 

 

Sorry this wasn't as long or in depth,  simply nitpicking flaws doesn't help,  and her character works as a whole.

 

 

 

[Pucksterv 4,508]

  On 2016-05-08 at 9:28 AM, Skygunner said:

HMMMMMMMMMmmmmmm,   well now.

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Where to begin.  I'm going to start with a little note. Have you read my former critiques?  This one is actually quite hard to write because overall She is actually a fairly solid character. 

 

That being said there are a few loose ends that could get filled out.

 

When did she learn to sword fight?  It's her cutie mark after all,  one would imagine that this has been with her since being young,  but not a mention!   Perhaps her mother was a fencer and just drilled it into her head?  Maybe she just beat other ponies with sticks?  Dunno, not said.   

 

Her deliquency does raise a few quetions however.   See, my one issue is,  I'm fairly sure she is a pirate.   Right?  Is she a pirate?  I'm just not sure why she turned out as she did.  You paint her up to be a rather nice pony,  but she slacks of in school.  Her parents, despite being divorced both have a similar response,  namely to push her away.

Arguing with mother who eventually boots her out of school?

Dad sends her off to a camp?

 

I find it hard to believed that neither parent wanted to keep her around.   But, i digress.

 

It's this rejection by the family (where were her siblings in the becoming a pirate decision, or her friends at school?)  that eventually gets her in a camp where she learns boating and meets boat ponies?  Right?

 

That's really the worm in this apple.  You just need to connect up who she was, to who she is,  she got a good back story, and a good current life,  just bridge the two now to support the other. 

 

Sorry this wasn't as long or in depth,  simply nitpicking flaws doesn't help,  and her character works as a whole.

 

 

 

I really appreciate the feedback, now that you mention all that, it seems pretty illogical to have those things left out. I'll go work on her ^w^ Thanks you

[Kimi Vulpine 219]

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/kimi-vulpine-r9468

 

Some things to note:

 

- Her name isn't the most normal pony name ever because her parents wanted to treat her as more "special" (her parents are unicorns and not fox ponies like her)

 

- I'm not too worried about canon and show accuracy

 

- I have no idea of what to do with her special talent

 

Any kind of criticism and tips are welcome. Thanks for your time!

[Tao 8,275]

Think you might over look Sallie for me:  https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/sallie-cinnamon-apple-r7940

 

Also thanks!

[Dynamo Pad 11,524]

Can you critique my OC, Dynamo Pad? https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/dynamo-pad-r9001

[Mesme Rize 15,687]

How about my Lamia OC Mesme Rize? Character Profile is down below and more pics are on my profile.

[Socks and Broken 22]

(I really like Mesme Rise, just saying. ^^)

 

Anyway, I finally gathered up the courage to find critique for my main character, Socks. You can't get better without criticism, right? So she's in my signiture. All her information is strewn in various places all over the internet, but I gathered what I could into one place. I still have things to add. And, yeah, I know she wouldn't fit as a cannon character.

 

*bracing myself for the worst*