Here No Longer

That's really nice, I really wish the best for you on this whole journey (trust me it can be it was for me). I remember at one time I was really really struggling with gender as well. I thought I personally was a pansexual, wasn't sure romantically, trans woman for a while, and I've come to learn I was actually a pansexual androromantic nonbinary (a lot I know). I've experienced the signs of my gender being not cis since I was about 13 and knew I wasn't cis when I was 15. Like I remembered having my name picked out and everything. The name I had thought of was Catherine (liked Cathy for short), it was a variation on my mom's middle name, the phase lasted for a while I think a year and a half (I was 16/17 if I remember correctly). Now I feel more like a more fem leaning nonbinary, I think I'd be dysphoric either way. I feel pretty settled on it and I've so far been for about 5-ish years. I'd say bigender or possibly demigirl if any particular specific label would probably describe my gender at this point. I'm still extremely fond of the idea of wearing women's clothing and I in fact am quite possibly going to be in the position to get things like thigh-highs and miniskirts in the not-too-distant future. My current boyfriend of about 2 and a half years has been mostly very supportive of me and he's allowed me to be in an economic situation where I have the opportunity to actually get some degree of self-expression (thigh-highs, miniskirts, maybe a cat ear hoodie or a cat ear headband). Of course his preferences aren't quite aligned specifically with who I really am, but that seems to not matter to him too much which is great! Now I guess I'm settled on being Ash Dallas (first and middle). An Edit: I'm worried about my relationship as well, thinking about things has made me question my own gender a bit and feel a bit inclined to think maybe I was right when I was in my teens and I am indeed trans fem and just in denial of it because my hand's been forced by circumstances... I live in a very trans/enby phobic part of the country and until I met my last BF I was dirt poor, living on barely anything... I'm starting to be of the opinion my gender is more than likely mostly feminine if it is nonbinary, perhaps it's fully feminine though, not sure... I think my name would still be Cathy, think middle name would be like Mikaela (Miki for short) It's weird how things changed for the both of us over time. I remember you being cis when I last knew about your gender (yes I know you and maybe you know me I don't know, I was on an old account at the time). I don't want to bother you too much more with our... history... though. I really genuinely wish the best for you in the future going forward.

If only it were easier to express myself how I actually am...

I usually go to bed around 3am

People really don't think outside of the binary ever do they

I did one of the ones posted above and ended up with this:

My new avatar https://picrew.me/image_maker/230257

Something I did with the same Picrew from the first post showing how my identity and how my ideal appearance changed over time (at a time I didn't have much of one):

I've recently, at least personally come to like doing picrews. As a nonbinary person they really help me feel better about my gender issues, but I've seen a lack of mention of picrews on here, so I think I'll change that with this thread. For those who don't know what Picrew is, it's a Japanese web app that allows people to share png-based avatar creators, and use them to make themselves, friends, or OCs. In the case of somebody suffering from dysphoria like myself it can also be used to make the version of yourself you want to be, which is what I do most of the time with it. Here's one I did recently (also link for it): https://picrew.me/image_maker/701767 Anybody else that makes their own and has their own links is of course free to share those here, that's the point of the thread anyways!

At this point now I pretty much always go to sleep around 2 or 3 every night and then wake up at like 8 or 9 so

Not quite content with it, I want to lose a little bit now honestly. I don't feel all that great weighing what I do now, I want to be skinnier again (my goal is a little bit "underweight" according to BMI).

What is with Dream's obsession with proving he's a piece of human trash?

Acquire some specific types of clothes and take selfies for self-expression/gender euphoria related purposes. But I can't because I don't have money and there's a couple of very judgey people in this house... And of course they'd take a bit to get here.

I was called a heterophobe for saying the fact that hetrophobia isn't remotely comparable to homophobia in terms of historical prevalence, which is uhh just a fact? Frankly it's a comparison I find borderline offensive considering there is nowhere in the world where being straight is a criminal offense, but plenty of places where being gay is not only a criminal offense but it's an offense punishable by death, and it was HEAVILY discriminated against for 90% of recorded human history. This doesn't compare to a few offcolor jokes on Twitter/Discord.

Things I shouldn't have to think about while I'm going through certain things. Both are very personal, so...

Frankly, I've been considering leaving here for a solid couple of years now. I keep wanting to leave here but I never do and I don't know why. I really should already have left this site, I don't really have that much of a reason to be here anymore. I have no interest in the show, I have stumbled into more than enough drama on here, and well my interest in the community is very heavily waning. I guess it's the 3 or 4 people I really have any interest in that might be part of it, but I still am very much thinking of just logging off for good and calling it quits on here. It doesn't help that my experiences with this community have been uhh a lot less positive than they once were back in the days of my original account and even in the early days of this one. I already barely visit anyways, and pretty much only do so when I don't have another place I can use to vent or some other similar purpose.

Without errors about 60 WPM, with errors about 70 WPM.

Quite a lot now, mostly on a Discord I mostly like even if it has some uhh *questionable people* on it Don't need internet for my BF anymore because I've lived with him permanently now for a year and a half

I don't feel like making those kinds of deals. Besides I've already found it and it's not the hardest thing to find if you know where to look. At least I seem to be able to get boys to like me like that easily enough

I don't in real life, though I sometimes use it when I talk to specific people because I just try to speak with their lexicon to an extent.

Pretty upset but I've posted in two threads already why that is. Has to do with drama in a Discord server.

Relevant mini-rant: I know I mentioned this in another thread, but I was legitimately called a heterophobe in a LGBT+ oriented Discord for saying the problem of heterophobia isn't somehow even nearly as prevalent as homo/trans/enby phobia. And the mods protected the guy that seems to think the LGBT+ community is full of anti-straight bigots... Like what? I literally don't see any precedent to say it's going to become prevalent. Which every single argument I've seen for is literally a false equivalence. Like seriously why is an LGBT+ discord of all places protecting a poorly veiled LGBT-phobic person? I don't understand this.

I love being called a heterophobe just because I don't pretend it's somehow even nearly as prevalent as other forms of discrimination that exist. ***On an LGBT+ oriented Discord server mind you, and they were protected by the mods***

"Does anybody like f***ing cars?"