Happysalesman

Yoooooo. I can't say I'm a huge fan of RPing, but I do dabble from time to time. And welcome to the forums and your newest addiction! lol. So other than ponies, what sort of things interest you?

Hmmm, well firstly, don't feel bad about your writing not being up to snuff. Everyone starts somewhere, but the greatest part about being an awful writer at first? Years from now when you've honed your skills you'll look back at that first piece of work you ever wrote, and you'll grin like a madman because of how far you've come. Anyway, onto the story! (I'm gonna warn you, this might sound like I'm being super picky, but I guarantee it's only to help you!) Right off the bat, the biggest problem your story has is that your writing is lacking substance and flow. "Show, don't tell" is the biggest thing new writers forget about. And that's exactly what happened here. Take your first paragraph for example: It was night time in the town of Ponyville. At the Sugarcube Corner, slept the twins, Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake. They were both sleeping soundly in their bed. Pound was moving his hoofs around as if he were running or flying and Pumpkin Cake was cuddled up with her butterfly stuffed animal. Both were sleeping well. Your writing too factually. Don't just tell me what's going on, describe it! Beat me over the head with descriptive words until my nose bleeds rainbows and I'm struck blind by the sheer beauty of the image! Perhaps something like: "Night had fallen over the small town of Ponyville. One by one, ponies turned out the lights and crawled in bed, ready for a full night's rest. The pastry shop, Sugarcube Corner, was no exception, as inside were two twin foals, Pound and Pumpkin Cake, fast asleep in their cribs. Little Pound was having a puppy dream, his legs kicking at the air as he chased after an object only his imagination could conjure. Pumpkin however, slept peacefully, her hooves wrapped around a stuffed butterfly that had been given to her by Rarity as a foal shower gift." That's actually your only glaring issue. It's a doozy, but most everything else seems to be well in order. Your grammar isn't perfect, but I've seen worse, and same with your spelling. Also, for what I can only assume are only a few months old, Pound seems disbelievingly intelligent. No 3 week old foal is intelligent enough to make a noise, and worry about waking their twin sister. Let alone have an active hate for stuffed animals. I'm not saying you shouldn't write this, but your characterization will need to be improved if you want your audience to be able to suspend their disbelief. Now, this review was based off of a skimming of your first chapter. I could go over it with a fine tooth comb, but there's no sense in beating you over the head with critiques. If you want, I can be your editor/mentor/whatever adjective you want to use. And I won't just edit your work, I'll work with you to improve your writing. So if you want my help, PM me and we can get started, if not, best wishes to you!

Looks like a mix of Back to the Future and DragonBall Z haha. I suppose it's not a bad plot, not necessarily one of my favorites, since 9 times out of 10 the characterization is way off in left field, but I digress. If you can write the story well I would say it's got potential, why don't you crank out a couple of chapters and see where it goes from there?

Well... let's delve on into this! I guess my first critique is that you're missing one of the key components of any writing, and that is a setting! While I can infer from what you've written where Applejack, as a reader, I don't want to! Put images in my head! Beat me over the head with descriptive words until my nose starts to bleed a rainbow! (Sorry, got a little carried away there.) Next, Applejack is definitely out of character. Waaaay out to left field on that one. I can't really see her agreeing to go to a spa and get her hooves painted without some comment about "Ah don't like that frou frou stuff!" emerging. I understand that in a shipping fic, the characters are likely to be off anyway, but you still want to keep them as close as possible, or else it's like reading a story about an OC that you named Applejack. Also, I really can't see Rarity snubbing Applejack for an unnamed stallion that I can only assume she just met, since you didn't bother to give him a name. (If he's gonna be a recurring character, introduce him with a name!) Thirdly, and this is mostly just a pet-peeve of mine, some of your... ponification? Needs work. (Ex. Horses don't have nails, and I can't imagine they get manicures and pedicures considering there isn't a different between a hind-hoof and a forehoof.) Overall, (as much as I hate to say it) the plot line for this so far seems... bad. I'm not against shipping fics, if they're done well I'll enjoy almost any pairing, but in this case, I can't. You're missing the element that makes me as a reader want to connect to the characters and invest emotionally. All I see when I look at this is "Applejack takes a bath. Meets Rarity. They go to the spa. Rarity meets a random stallion, blows off AJ to see him, AJ gets overly emotional over feelings she just discovered about Rarity." So, how do you fix this? One, describe a setting! A time of day, anything! I know I said this before, but like I said, it's one of the key components to a story. Two, characterize your characters! Tell me what they think, what they feel, and why! Lastly, if you want to write a romance fic, go read some romance! Seriously, go find some well written (emphasis on the "well-written" part) romance fic, or a good romance novel (not smut, PLEASE) and read it. Look at a. How the author writes. If it's a style that appeals to you, emulate it! Imitation is the best form of compliment, so don't be afraid to use someone's writing style, just don't plagiarize. Also, look at how the author writes the character. Most romance stories are written from a first person perspective, or a third person that weighs heavily on one character's thoughts and emotions. I know I sound all negative and such, but don't get discouraged. I'm saying these things to help you! Because what kind of reviewer would I be if I didn't critique your work?

No problem And if you ever want some tips or advice on using Gimp or PS to color your drawing (I'm not good at the drawing aspect, but I loooove coloring them in lol) I'd be more than willing to throw some tutorials and whatnot your way.

I'm not much of an artist myself, so I can't give much critique on the specifics of the art world. I'm not gonna talk about the mane, because that's been beat to death. I would definitely recommend getting an actual photo editing program like Gimp, or Photoshop (I personally find PS easier to use, as there are a million more PS tutorials than Gimp tutorials). It makes drawing and coloring images a snap (especially if you have a drawing tablet!) Anyhoo, critique's for the photo. The grenade bandolier looks off, mostly because the last grenade at the top isn't sticking up much from her body, like a grenade normally would. I'm not sure what that is on her flank, a holster? A pouch? I'd define it more, or remove it, as it feels a little unnecessary to me. Last couple things, the veil covering her face should either be removed, or make it opaque. And the mic should actually extend to her mouth, not end at her jaw. Doesn't do much good to be a stealthy spy if you have to shout to communicate with your team ><. I know I sound nitpicky, but I figure, if you're gonna do a job, might as well do it accurately

It's not a matter of caring what they think of me, if they don't like me because I'm a brony or I like video games then there's the door. But at the same time, I didn't think blurting out "I'm a brony" was really the best way of telling someone, considering some of the stereotypes and misinformation that surround the fandom. (And geeze... chill out guys. I'm not trying to say I'm embarassed or anything.) But thanks for the advice guys. I'll definitely put it to good use

Yeah, it's not easy. Not insanely difficult to make, the biggest difficulty is just the amount of time it takes.

Hey y'all, I had a question. So, I've been single for quite some time now, and just recently decided to venture forth into the dating world. I'm a little hesitant though, because inbetween my last girlfriend and now, I became a brony. Now, I'm not ashamed of my bronyism, but the community I live in has a minute nerd culture. I think my little circle of friends is about all there is really. So, when it comes to dating, I'm a little hesitant to just starting spouting ponyisms and whatnot. I know that a girl should accept me for who I am, and I'm not really going to give up ponies for a girl, but I don't want to scare every girl off because I say "I like MLP." Make sense? So my question is this. When it comes to dating someone who isn't a brony, how do you guys go about it?

Ghillie suits are always fun. I used to lay in the bushes at my house with it on and grab kids' legs as they walked past. Scared the living crap out of them haha.

Well, Ol' Sarge, I can see where you're coming from on this. I wouldn't necessarily say you failed the community, perhaps a minor lapse in judgement, but this isn't the military. I know that in the military a minor lapse like that could essentially cost you your job (almost happened to me once) but civilian's get treated differently. You really have done nothing wrong except play a game on the internet. The fact of the matter is that she was playing the game as well, so she (and the father, for not keeping an eye on what she was doing) is as much to blame. I know I'm new, but I wouldn't say leaving would do anypony any amount of good. From what I've heard you're a great, upstanding guy, and you're the only other person I know who's been in the military that's a brony ><.

Well, I've been working on some awesome N7 Armor from Mass Effect for the past couple months. So probably that