What's your favorite joke?

[iceestarz 5,752]

I made a gif of my favorite joke being told by Jeremy Jahns.

I will just leave that here.

I just told that to my sister, who is obsessed with seals and I think she's gonna kill me now.

[Dewdlz 938]

Want to hear a dirty joke?

 

 

 

Two pigs rolled in the mud. The End. Fin. Conclusion.

[Buck Testa 5,503]

Call it Cliche, but "Who's on first" still cracks me up.

 

Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bucky Harris, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.

 

Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.

 

Abbott: I certainly do.

 

Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.

 

Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.

 

Costello: You mean funny names?

 

Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...

 

Costello: His brother Daffy.

 

Abbott: Daffy Dean...

 

Costello: And their French cousin.

 

Abbott: French?

 

Costello: Goofè.

 

Abbott: Goofè Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...

 

Costello: That's what I want to find out.

 

Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

 

Costello: Are you the manager?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

Costello: You gonna be the coach too?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names?

 

Abbott: Well I should.

 

Costello: Well then who's on first?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

Costello: I mean the fellow's name.

 

Abbott: Who.

 

Costello: The guy on first.

 

Abbott: Who.

 

Costello: The first baseman.

 

Abbott: Who.

 

Costello: The guy playing...

 

Abbott: Who is on first!

 

Costello: I'm asking YOU who's on first.

 

Abbott: That's the man's name.

 

Costello: That's who's name?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.

 

Abbott: That's it.

 

Costello: That's who?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?

 

Abbott: Certainly.

 

Costello: Who's playing first?

 

Abbott: That's right.

 

Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

 

Abbott: Every dollar of it.

 

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.

 

Abbott: Who.

 

Costello: The guy that gets...

 

Abbott: That's it.

 

Costello: Who gets the money...

 

Abbott: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

 

Costello: Who's wife?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

PAUSE

 

Abbott: What's wrong with that?

 

Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?

 

Abbott: Who.

 

Costello: The guy.

 

Abbott: Who.

 

Costello: How does he sign...

 

Abbott: That's how he signs it.

 

Costello: Who?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.

 

Abbott: No. What is on second base.

 

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

 

Abbott: Who's on first.

 

Costello: One base at a time!

 

Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.

 

Costello: I'm not changing nobody!

 

Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.

 

Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?

 

Abbott: That's right.

 

Costello: Ok.

 

Abbott: All right.

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?

 

Abbott: No. What is on second.

 

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

 

Abbott: Who's on first.

 

Costello: I don't know.

 

Abbott: He's on third, we're not talking about him.

 

Costello: Now how did I get on third base?

 

Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.

 

Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

 

Abbott: No. Who's playing first.

 

Costello: What's on first?

 

Abbott: What's on second.

 

Costello: I don't know.

 

Abbott: He's on third.

 

Costello: There I go, back on third again!

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.

 

Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?

 

Costello: Now who's playing third base?

 

Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

 

Costello: What am I putting on third.

 

Abbott: No. What is on second.

 

Costello: You don't want who on second?

 

Abbott: Who is on first.

 

Costello: I don't know.

 

Abbott & Costello Together:Third base!

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?

 

Abbott: Sure.

 

Costello: The left fielder's name?

 

Abbott: Why.

 

Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.

 

Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.

 

Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field.

 

Abbott: Who's playing first.

 

Costello: I'm not... stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?

 

Abbott: No, What is on second.

 

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

 

Abbott: Who's on first!

 

Costello: I don't know.

 

Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: The left fielder's name?

 

Abbott: Why.

 

Costello: Because!

 

Abbott: Oh, he's centerfield.

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?

 

Abbott: Sure.

 

Costello: The pitcher's name?

 

Abbott: Tomorrow.

 

Costello: You don't want to tell me today?

 

Abbott: I'm telling you now.

 

Costello: Then go ahead.

 

Abbott: Tomorrow!

 

Costello: What time?

 

Abbott: What time what?

 

Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

 

Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching.

 

Costello: I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?

 

Abbott: What's on second.

 

Costello: I don't know.

 

Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: Gotta a catcher?

 

Abbott: Certainly.

 

Costello: The catcher's name?

 

Abbott: Today.

 

Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.

 

Abbott: Now you've got it.

 

Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.

 

Abbott: So they tell me.

 

Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

 

Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

 

Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

 

PAUSE

 

Abbott: That's all you have to do.

 

Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.

 

Abbott: Yes!

 

Costello: Now who's got it?

 

Abbott: Naturally.

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?

 

Abbott: Naturally.

 

Costello: Who?

 

Abbott: Naturally.

 

Costello: Naturally?

 

Abbott: Naturally.

 

Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

 

Abbott: No you don't, you throw the ball to Who.

 

Costello: Naturally.

 

Abbott: That's different.

 

Costello: That's what I said.

 

Abbott: You're not saying it...

 

Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.

 

Abbott: You throw it to Who.

 

Costello: Naturally.

 

Abbott: That's it.

 

Costello: That's what I said!

 

Abbott: You ask me.

 

Costello: I throw the ball to who?

 

Abbott: Naturally.

 

Costello: Now you ask me.

 

Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?

 

Costello: Naturally.

 

Abbott: That's it.

 

Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!

 

Abbott: What?

 

Costello: I said I don't give a darn!

 

Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.

[The Mint Pone 2,292]

Why did the ghost cross the road?

 

To get to the other side!

 

 

 

 

 

....psst it means the afterlife....

Want to hear a dirty joke?

 

 

 

Two pigs rolled in the mud. The End. Fin. Conclusion.

I think you have won this topic. Well played, sir.

[Guest]

As a Classicist, I'm partial to nerdy jokes..here's a few examples:

 

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says "Five beers please."

 

A Roman walks into a bar and orders a Martinus, the bartender asks "don't you mean a Martini?" The Roman replies "If I wanted more than one, I would have asked" 

 

[Venomous 18,813]

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

 

Cause'... if they lived by the bay, they'd be bagles!

Edited November 8, 2014 by Royal Samurott

[Not_active 731]

Why don't Jehova's witnesses celebrate Halloween?

 

Because they don't like having strangers knock on their doors. 

 

Haaaaaaa- 

[An Unknown Pony. 370]

What Do You Call An Alligator in a vest?

 

An 'In-vest-tigator'

 

[deprime 65]

A Sioux man walks into a bar with his dog.

He tells the bartender that this dog saved my life.

The bartender ask why does he three legs?

The Sioux man replies you don't eat something that good in one serving.

[yayayayayala 1,668]

All of these are amazing! 

 

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. The bartender says "Get outta here! We don't serve your type!"

 

Also this

As a Classicist, I'm partial to nerdy jokes..here's a few examples:

 

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says "Five beers please."

 

A Roman walks into a bar and orders a Martinus, the bartender asks "don't you mean a Martini?" The Roman replies "If I wanted more than one, I would have asked" 

 

BRILLIANT Edited November 9, 2014 by yayayayayala

[Qual1994 29]

Here's a stupid one, but it made me laugh to tears.

 

Obama dies and goes to heaven. After a hundred years he says to god: "Let me see how the people of USA are doing now". God returns Obama to the middle of USA, to a desert town.

Obama sit down at a highway cafe and orders a coca-cola. Then asks the bartender how is life and what is the situation in the world. The bartender say good and shows Obama a map.

"Everything is ours!" the bartender says. Obama can't believe his eyes, everything: the Americas, Europe, Asia and Africa belongs to them. Then when the overjoyed Obama asks for the check. The bartender says:

"That will be 5 rubles."

[Arctic Night 884]

Lady Astor: "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea!"

 

PM Churchill: "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"

[Movealge 104]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

To get to the other side.

 

:3

Edited November 10, 2014 by Shady Strike

[VitalSpark 1,830]

Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head."

[SillyFroggy 17]

-Half of this gathering is stupid.

 

-Sir, you'd better withdraw that !

 

-...Ok, half of this gathering is not stupid 

[Celli 4,332]

Meh, I'm not really too big on jokes.

[Countess Noodle 607]

Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

 

A: Virgin Mobile

 

           

[Rebel the Wolfgirl 5,585]

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

 

Cause'... if they lived by the bay, they'd be bagles!

Good one.

 

So a duck walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender asks him, "How will you pay for that sir?" The duck answers, "Just put it on my bill!"

[Golurk 467]

The productivity of Congress. Oh wait, that's my least favorite joke. 

 

A lot of my favorites are story-based, so they'd take a while to type out here. But an old favorite of mine:

"Yo mama so fat, her Splash attack does damage!"   

[The Crimson Cross 7,532]

When it comes to jokes, gags and the like it all comes down to a couple of things.

- Audience

- Context

 

You need to be able to use a joke in the right place at the right people.

Although I do recall a rather funny yet terrible and cringeworthy joke.

 

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender" May I have some water" and so the bartender gives him some..

And so the next fellow, thinking he was quite smart does the same and this time, copying the person before him says "I'd like some H2O"

And so a third man does the same, except he says "I'd like some H2O too!"

Of course he died the shortly after.

 

Bwahahahaa!! 

Because it's Hydrogen Peroxide! 

[[NULL] 906]

 

 

Legend of Korra Spoilers below:

 

 

[SillyFroggy 17]

The only part of the vegetable which doesn't fit in the blender ?

 

The wheelchair 

[VulpineTaco 525]

Once there were three sisters: Raindrop, Snowflake, and Cinderblock.

One day, Raindrop went up to her dad and  asked, "Daddy, why do I have such a weird name?" 

The dad replied, "Well, when we took you home from the hospital, the first thing that landed on your head was a raindrop, so we named you after that."

Then, Snowflake went up to her dad and asked, "Daddy, why do I have such a weird name?"

The dad replied, yet again, "Well, when we took you home from the hospital, the first thing that landed on your head was a snowflake, so we named you after that."

Finally, Cinderblock went up to her dad and said, "Muugughgbdfhbgfibsdbf."

[blank 88]

Once there were three sisters: Raindrop, Snowflake, and Cinderblock.

One day, Raindrop went up to her dad and  asked, "Daddy, why do I have such a weird name?" 

The dad replied, "Well, when we took you home from the hospital, the first thing that landed on your head was a raindrop, so we named you after that."

Then, Snowflake went up to her dad and asked, "Daddy, why do I have such a weird name?"

The dad replied, yet again, "Well, when we took you home from the hospital, the first thing that landed on your head was a snowflake, so we named you after that."

Finally, Cinderblock went up to her dad and said, "Muugughgbdfhbgfibsdbf."

that is so cruel., not cool, buuut.....

[VulpineTaco 525]

that is so cruel., not cool, buuut.....

So cruel, not cool is what I'm best at!