critique wanted Could I have some criticism on my OC?

[Handsome Changeling 1,851]

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/void-crawler-r7169

This OC here, is my favourite OC in my huge arsenal, and also my oldest OC that I frequently use on all forms of social media. He has been called well done before in the past, but a page overhaul may have ruined this, I would like some help on if he needs changes, minor or large or not and if he is still a unique OC who isn't over the top.

Thanks for reading even if you don't reply /)^3^(\

[BlueBrony 388]

I have to say, you figured out a way to beat the "red-and-black" stereotype with a nice OC! I was confused a little as to why he would have crimson armor in Chrysalis' hive, as the show only ever showed the blue changelings. Perhaps you could say he was a part of the "special forces" who first infiltrated canterlot with the queen, or another possibility may be that he came from a different hive altogether, one whose primary color was red rather than blue.

 

On his personality, maybe you can emphasize more that he uses humor to deflect negative emotion and/or cope with the inner turmoil of pretending to be someone he isn't. That would help explain why he goes "over the top" and acts non-serious in dire situations.

 

I also got lost when you were explaining the connections between this OC and your other one, King Void. I mostly want to focus on just this character, but perhaps instead of coming up with reasons why both exist in the same world or are related, you could say they are alternate realities.

 

These are things I think would make it better, but take it with a grain of salt. In the end, this is your OC, and in my opinion it is already quite good.

[Handsome Changeling 1,851]

@@BlueBrony,

Well I did try, he has changed a lot since I first made him, I should of specified the reason, his armour is blue as a Hiveling in Chrysalis' Hive but once he is seperated via the Canterlot attack and has his own personal thoughts he paints his armour to distuinguish himself from the hive, and gains his own personal colours of pink through his magic ability to shapeshift he formed a new him to make sure ponies knew he wasn't like the others hehe, I should of put that.

Thank you for this, this is the criticism I needed to improve him as a character, and yeah the King of the Void part, confusing as hell, even I agree, that needs altering in many ways X3

Also he does come from a different Hive altogether, he is from the Miasma Hive ^3^ He is almost based of the Siansaar multiple Queen theory, he is a transfered soldier from the Miasma Hive as all Hives were ordered to attack on Canterlot when Chrysalis did. I really should put this you helped me realise this thanks BlueBrony ^^

[Widdershins 9,955]

have to say, you figured out a way to beat the "red-and-black" stereotype with a nice OC!

Ah-ha! Oh Darling!  Magenta & black never went out of style! Pink & black even! It's SCARLET & black that went passe a few years ago back when...

 

 

   Firstly, let me state that I am, like, completely lost as to what you mean by a Miasma Hive. I know of the whole bit about color-coded, emotion based hives but that seems a bit of a stretch to me. I mean, the ponies of Canterlot or Manehatten don't have differently colored limbs so why would the species have some small, biological, fan-made, quirk like that?

 

  I get a homey, sort of natural He's-his-own-character vibe from Crawler. That he has his own mind & personality outside of being just another killing machine & minion of a villain like every other cannon changeling. Then you... kind of kill that with his second form. Mind you, a story can cover alot of ground and explain so very much. There's just so much of a gap between King & Crawler that it kind of rubs off, to me at least, that you got involved in some super dramatic RP and just wound up warping his character so much to fit that you replaced his character too much.

   Not that that doesn't work after all. Look at Nightmare Moon! It's just that it seems a disservice to what the character originally was. Drama is all very well and good when you've got chapter upon chapter to turn him, but when you just flip a page and now he's some raging tyrant? Kinda cheapens the empathy I felt for Crawler. I'm not saying its bad or you can't do it of course... 's'just a meanie move!

   By himself, I really do like him! Drama as a whole kind of just tends to rub me the wrong way.

 

     I dunno, I'd likely have to read the story or whatnot that you have behind him in detail to get the nuances of King. Different forms can work, because I kind of intend to do a bit of that myself. Think the important thing is to state just how separate those entities are.

 

   Edit: Almost forgot my biggest issue with 'im! And I am trying to be nice here, I assure you! That is just... the most horrible cutie mark I've seen. In all honesty, it looks like somepony swatted a fly on his flank! I... I really can't even tell what it's supposed to be? A disjointed smile clawing its way out of his buttmark? That... kind of seems to be more of a tattoo design rather then a symbolic buttsticker. If anything, that's a bit alarmingly special for a form that supposed to help him blend in & draw attention away from him.

  .........   Wait..... Is that King? .... Is King clawing his way out of Crawler's butt?!!?

 

               "It just raises too many questions."

Edited January 6, 2017 by Widdershins

[Handsome Changeling 1,851]

@@Widdershins,

Oh the varying Hive theory is just simple idealogy behind varying Queens passing their colour off down to their personal Changelings it's simpler then I make it sound, his Backstory needs totally re-writing to be perfectly honest but with the same character. His colour is coded by his Queen who is violet, pink and purple and she of course passes her colours genetically down to her own Hive, it's all well and simple but needs a better explanation, I do need to extend Void's backstory to fit everything required of course and stuff like this always helps, the whole King part shall be re-written also and made to fit with Void's own personality as a whole, and for darker RP's where the 'OOooh big bad scary villain' is needed I shall make a new form for this whole part of RP's etc etc.

Stuff like this always helps me to re-image OC's but in a similar light to their old backstory, his will be based on the same ideas as shown in his small story here but extended to explain everything needed ^3^ 

[Handsome Changeling 1,851]

@@Widdershins,

If you want to sit and read all the crap I just did to Void and give me another opinion on him I am just wondering could you? I really wanted to update him and make him a far more detailed character rather then a short backstory cool idea hahah X3 

[Widdershins 9,955]

   Well, just reread him again. Gonna refer to them as Crawler & King, since they're both kinda called Void and that might get confusing.

   Ah... maybe a little too much detail. Cod, even I hate myself for saying that, lol!

  Iiiii dooon't know... Kind of getting a bit of the "He's the Best!" vibe, but it still is rather important to his story. After all, he wouldn't have been in Canterlot if he wasn't! It's something that might be just borderline for me, but it's no where near a problem as it can be for some OCs, so don't you worry about changing that!

 

   So you've changed the false cutie mark entirely then? It's a whole nother idea now? Think I'll assume as such since it looks like you've removed the pic entirely. Though I really can't understand that second line in the cutie mark section. Think I'm hung up on what ironic means and how it applies here.

  (I just can't be happy with your cutie mark, can I? Lol!)

 

  Do think you've fleshed out the other hive theory quite well. I wouldn't go so far as to name each of the other hive leaders, since like as not not every body that comes along is going to adhere to that specific theory and if you're more vague about it, whenever somebody whips up some new hive you can just turn your head & cough and go "Ahem, sure, yes, that's totally another hive." It's not likely to happen, but what if someone you Changeling-RP with gets all high n' mighty and says that that's not THEIR queen's names. Though you'd have to be a pretty snotty brat to do that...

   I like what you did with it, but the nerdy part of me still wants to dicker with you about that. Except for Ambrosia the other names don't sound as generically pun-based as Chrysalis's. Myxine sounds ever-fluffin' adorable though! I might want to get back to you on this sometime as one of my 'sona's is part changeling.

 

   Hmm...a hive of emotion-feeders situated right outside the analog to Las Vegas... that somehow makes so very much sense...

 

   Think you brought up that changelings have a more accelerated growth rate? So despite him being only 23 he's more mature then that and acts more like middle-aged? Sorta like dog years then? Maybe the age needs to be tinkered with a bit too... like pony years & changeling years...eh....

 

   Him changing his color scheme probably isn't important enough to mention. Sure, if someone brings it up you can say he just changed it, because after all, they were attacking with the intention of a violent takeover, why would the victims care if a few soldiers had different highlights?

    While I like the touch that he's going about more natural these days, I wouldn't think taking your battle armor into town helps foster the feeling of being friendly or harmless. These days I think its more obvious who the aggressive Chrysalis tribe is due to "recent" events but I am no where NEAR comprehending what was up with all that! Besides, we had a little guy attend a wedding au natural and weren't like he got pony-piled or anything!

   But yeah, I like what you've done with him. If there's anything I'd want you to outright remove... Is that you sort of just name dropped Zecora there. Didn't need to be her to point him to his new house or even just saying "a local zebra" would have worked, but I feel you were better before when you said he just up & found the fixer-upper.

[Storm Shine 1,195]

Awesome OC, with a thoroughly well crafted backstory. I'm interested in the idea that the Hive link potentially suppressed his individuality and inspired a sense of loyalty, and that the extreme distance is a potential cause of seperation from said link- thus allowing him to have his own free will and form his own ideas, opinions, and experiences without any sort of overlaying feelings or censors from the Hive Mind, so to speak.

 

All in all, 10/10

Edited January 8, 2017 by Shineling