Jump to content
Banner by ~ The Wife of Tengen

Searching [OOC] Ambition for Ascension


Recommended Posts

  • Replies 316
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

Twilight Sparkle has just been coronated. She has ascended to alicornhood. Flight, magic, fortitude, power, prestige, they are all the fruits of her labor. Labor is something you have though, so what

@Loud Opinion @ExplosionMare @abrony-mouse Another drawing of Magnolia I had requested! I quite like this one!

@Monotonality @Loud Opinion I can still change the color of the magic  

Posted Images

@Califorum

Actually, I do have some immediate thoughts. I adore the wordplay in your first post but I see grammar errors that are seriously holding it back. Again, I would strongly suggest the use of a tool like Grammarly. As it stands I have trouble understanding exactly what is going on. Approaching the Temple is a simple enough concept to understand, but when you start interacting with multiple characters, grammar mistakes can make things very confusing.

Other than that, it was a beautiful introduction. Makes me feel bad for poking holes in it.

Side note: Sorry, in my summary I forgot to mention that the temple is on a clear hill just at the forest's edge. Don't worry about the first post just keep it in mind for latter.

  • Brohoof 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Badges

@Loud Opinion

What exactly is holding it back, in your eyes? In my eyes I see nothing wrong with the grammar. I was describing how the darkness moved...it moves like a fluid rather than a mist...yet also looks like a mist at the same time, if that makes sense.. I suppose I have a different writing style than you do. I will see about using Grammarly, although I have never used such tools before / was never interested in using them. 

As for the temple on a clear hill, I will keep that in mind.

  • Brohoof 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, so I read the post again. I was mistaken about the errors. Sorry about that. I actually ran it though Grammarly and didn't pick up any red lines, so again, sorry.

It didn't like the clarity, but no errors. That's just my tired eye making mistakes.

I saw some missing tenses

Quote

The darkness dripping and oozing with viscosity as it surged forth from shadow to shadow.

Should be "The darkness was dripping and oozing with viscosity..." or "The darkness dripped and oozed with viscosity..." Probably not going to lead to any misunderstanding.

Quote

...to rise up and take a three dimensional of that of a pony.

Three dimensional what? A shape. Again I don't think anyone will misunderstand.

Small nitpicks on my part, but it did take me out of it for a second. You never really lost me though.

  • Brohoof 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Badges

Exactly. I don't expect perfection. I think your style more than makes up for it. I don't know anyone that proofreads for fun.

On my first reading I actually misread a lot of words (I read "from then forth" as "from the forth"). On my second reading I kept finding myself saying "that's not an error".

 

Anyway, I'll get my reply up soon.

  • Brohoof 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Badges

@Califorum

Sorry for the delay. I wanted to respond to ExposionMare at the same time, but that's a little silly seance Magnolia isn't even at the temple yet. No real need to slow down Magnolia's pace right now.

  • Brohoof 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Badges

2 minutes ago, Loud Opinion said:

Okay, one more post, but I need to reply soon or nothing will happen. People will just suggest to each other what might happen forever.

I was already writing my post. I will write that first then you can reply.

  • Brohoof 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×
×
  • Create New...