First Fan Fic

[Lost 1,410]

Sooo, I decided to write a fan fiction as I currently have writers block on my main project(a full length book based on League of Legends that has been stuck at 40ish pages for months)

 

Please excuse poor grammar and spelling, I wrote this on an iPad and what the autocorrect doesn't play havoc with, the general lag from typing ruins.

 

This is my first fan fiction and the first price of writing I have fully completed, it's also the first time I've written in first person(I decided to read the hunger games, it is written in first person and inspired me to do so too)

I would like any feedback on this work, if you liked it but can't think of anything to say a brohoof would be nice

 

Here it is:

 

 

I awake lying on my back starring at the Celling unsure what woke me, I have been living in a modest house on the outskirts of Ponyville for nearly a year now, very few ponies know that I am living in thier town and none know where a bouts I live.

 

The closest resident to me is a Pegasus by the name of Fluttershy, she lives not too far from me and I frequently se her tending to or aiding animals, I have made observation of nearly all of the residents of Ponyville, it is a small town on the edge of the Everfree Forrest but it is rather close to Canterlot.

 

Dawns first light is just breaking over the Forrest and slowly flooding my room with light, looking out of my window from bed I make out a silloete moving arround outside, in my firmer life this would have set me on edge, but nopony here knows who or what I am or what I was.

 

A creaking noise comes from downstairs and I hear the sound of hooves on wood as somepony moves around, I calmly get up, hearing a thief in yourbhouse would scare most ponies but in my former life I was myself a thief, I lived in the catacombs beneath Canterlot and ran a thieves guild Dow there, but that life is behind me now. 

 

A crash comes from downstairs, whoever is down there must be a terrible thief, they're probably new to it, I get up and retrieve my thieves guild armour from the wardrobe, I rarely wear it these days but I keep it as it is hard to find good quality leather armour to fit an Alicorn.

 

I done the armour but leave off the sword, my armour is inscribed with the thieves guild crest, even the newest of thieves know this symbol and wouldn't dare steal from somepony who is adorned with it, which is exactly why I shouldn't need a weapon, I approach my door and head downstairs.

 

As I slowly creep down the stairs my eyes begin to adjust to the darkness, while the sun is still rising, it hasn't yet got to the point where light enteres into my ground floor, fortunately I am quite accustomed to being in the dark and my black coat and dark armour make me harder to see.

 

I see the silotte of somepony in my living room a few feet infront of me, they're looking away from my direction and obviously haven't heard me come down the stairs, "Why are you in my house?" I ask with authority, they groan and turn to face me then they slowly start moving towards me, still groaning, a chill runs down my spine, something is wrong about this.

 

As they get closer I see that this pony is not a pony at all, it is the zebra Zecora, I know that she lives somewhere in the Everfree Forrest, she moves even close and I notice that there are bite marks across her side and a dead look in her eyes, I bolt back upstairs an slam my bedroom door behind me.   

 

Through the door I can still hear Zecora grinning as she makes her way up the stairs, I retrieve my sword from it's sheath that is hanging on the wall, carefully pointing the blade towards the door in preparation, the door creaks open. " I am warning you Zecora, step any closer and I shall cut you down" still she comes towards me, stepping closer and closer.

 

I lunge forward with my sword, Zecora doesn't even flinch, blood starts to flow from the wound but she keeps advancing, the sword plunging deeper into her, all the while she is groaning and attempting to bite me, then I remember, I have read something like this before,  Zecora is a zombie, the living dead, I pull my sword out and swiftly chop off her head.

 

Her head and body fall to the floor but still continue to move around, I recall that to properly dispatch a zombie you must destroy the brain, so I catiously approach the still biting head and plunge my sword through the cranium, sure enough, it stops attempting to bite me and lays still on the floor.

 

I start to pace my room, how could this be possible, how many more zombies are there, is it possible that Zecora is the only one, a rustling outside gets my attention and I look outside to see the sun has risen just enough to make out the few zombies outside, none of them I recognise so they must have come from through the Everfree Forrest.

 

It occurs to me then that if they have come through the Forrest then the citizens of Ponyville have no idea what is going on right now, but could still be saved, the thought of my closest nabough comes to mind, she is the shy type and unlikely to be able to defend herself against a zombie attack, I must warn her.

 

I retrieve my sword from Zecora's skull and attach it and it's sheath firmly to my armour, hearing banging downstairs I realise that my only option for escape is to fly, opening the window with magic, I jump through it and speed my wings, flying in the direction of Fluttershy's cottage, smoke is riseing from the chimney so I conclude that she must be up.

 

No zombies are nearby, which is a relief, so I land at her front door and knock, it doesn't take long for her to answer but judging from the confused and somewhat fearful look on her face I can tell that she doesn't know me and stood here in my armour she must think I'm dangerous, a year ago she would have been right, but I gave up that life. 

 

The door starts to close but I stop it with my hoof. "Who are you, what do you want?" she blurts out, still struggling to close the door. "I mean you no harm" I reassure her, "There is something terrible heading this way and you must get to safety immediately". She inspects my armour and her eyes widen at my sword. "I don't believe you!" she screams, tears flooding to her eyes.

 

Sighing, I magically undo my sword belt and drop it to the ground, but I drop it too carelessly and the blade slides out, Fluttershy gasps and steps back "Who...Who...Who's b-blood is that." she stammers, stepping forward into the cottage I think carefully, I should tell her the truth now rather than later, maybe she'll believe me.

 

"It's Zecora's .. She attacked me" I admit, looking at Fluttershy I attempt to read her emotions in her face, she seems shocked "you're lying, Zecora wouldn't hurt anypony" she accuses, sighing again I explain how I woke up to find her in my house and when confronted she mindlessly attacked me, how the bite Mark and refusal to die lead me to believe she was a zombie.

 

Fluttershy takes a few minutes to process this, but she seems to believe me, atkeast enough to tell me that we should go speak to her friend Twilight Sparkle in Ponyville, so I venture outside and resheath my sword reattach it before we set off towards Ponyville, I look over to my house and see the zombies slowly making thier way to town too.

 

Not many ponies are up when we make it into town and head straight for the library, of course it made sence for a student of Celestia to live in a library, we knock on the door and the baby dragon I see always following Twilight opens it "Spike, is Twilight in?" Fluttershy blurts out as she gallops inside, Spike blocks me from entering "Hang on buddy, who are you?" both Fluttershy and Spike look at me questioningly "I shall explain everything to you once everypony is here"

 

Spike let's me past just as Twilight comes down the stairs, the door opens again and the ponies I recognise as Twilight's friends walk in laughing and chatting, Pinkie Pie bounces in first, followed by Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Applejack, they suddenly stop when they see me stood in the centre of the room.

 

"Ooh are you new to Ponyville!" squeaks Pinkie Pie as she exitedly jumps around me, the looks that she is getting from everypony else cause her to calm down a little and move back to her friends, "No I am not" I tell her, she looks at me confused, "I've been living in a house near the Everfree Forrest for nearly a year, Fluttershy is my closest neighbour"

 

She looks at me confused, I see confused looks around the room soi decide that it is time to expain. I tell them of how after a hard life on the streets of Canterlot I turned to a life of a thief, this gains me a few untrusting looks but I continue, I explain how as I got older I needed a more substantial place to live, so I explored the catacombs beneath the city.

 

Continuing I tell them that after exploring the catacombs I came across an old document that tells of the small group that lived down there, it recounts every day until their last, when they are killed off by what can only be described as zombies. Everypony gasps and spike jumps back in fright "Z-z-zombies! But Twilight said they are not real!"

 

Twilight steps in "they arnt real Spike they... "  I cut her off  "untill  today I believed they were not real too, this morning they attacked me in my house, that is why I am here". This time even Twilight looks afraid, she seems although she is about to say something when a scream outside stops her, we all turn and look out of the now open door, the town is in chaos, zombies are attacking everywhere.

 

We all back away from the door and Twilight closes it with magic, then she says exactly what I'm thinking "We need to stay calm and think of a plan to save Ponyville" , all eyes turn to me, full of expectation "I'm no zombie expert..." I admit "although I do know, from what I've read, that the infection is transmitted through a bite and the only way to kill a zombie is to destroy it's brain"

 

Everypony is quiet while they process this information, Applejack speaks up "Is there a cure for this, once folk have been bit are they goners?" again the room looks to me expectedly. "As far as I know, there is no cure, but I'm sure that if there is Princess Celestia will know".

 

Twilight jumps up "Ofcorse! Princess Celestia!, Spike, send a letter to the Princess immediately, explain the situation and ask for advise". Spike gatheres up parchment and a quill then starts frantically writing, recounting the events of the day, then with a gout of green flame he sends it on it's way to Celestia.

 

The princess's response takes less than a minute to arrive, Twilight unravels the parchment and reads it, then turns it around in the air for us all to see, it holds only four hastily scrawled words "There...Is...No...Cure". It was obvious by the haste of the letter that this pandemic must not just be limited to Ponyville.

 

A silent fear creeps it's way into the room, everypony, even Twilight and myself are too shocked to say anything, yes we knew that the chance of a cure was slim, but at least there had been hope, all hope for curing those that are infected is now gone which means the only thing we can do now is to kill them.

 

I clear my throat and everypony looks at me "we need to go out there and save the survivors, there is no cure so our only option is to kill the infected in order to save as many ponies as possible" a look of unease sweeps the room, understandably they didn't want to have to kill their infected friends, I on the other hoof had no quarrels killing them.

 

"I know that you feel uneasy having to kill your infected friends, but it must be done to save Equestria" I draw my sword and step towards the door "I'm going out there to save anypony still uninfected, even if you won't help me" I open the door and step out into the carnage outside.

 

Zombies wander the streets, there are no survivors in sight, I have failed to save everypony just like whoever lived in the catacombs beneath Canterlot failed to save themselvs, then the thought occured to me, if from first infection it only took a meer hour to destroy a town, something must have cured or stopped the zombies before, else all of Equestria would have been destroyed then.

 

Dashing back inside I see everypony looking through books obviously trying to find a cure buried within the pages "Get me a map of Canterlot, Spike"  I order, Spike stares at me unsure what to do, "Just get him the map" sighs Twilight, Spike runs off into another room, "so, what's going on?" asks Twilight.

 

Spike returns and lays down a map in front of me "What I am about to show you is Tobermory kept a secret, you can tell nopony else, especially Celestia, understood?" everypony nods and watches me as I levitate a quill over and draw a cross on the map "This is the location of the enterance to the thieves  guild in Canterlot, I believe that there may be a record of a cure for the zombie illness somewhere In the catacombs"

 

"But how do we get there?" questions Rainbow Dash, "That is why I told you where it is, I'm holding that Twilight can teleport us there" we all look at Twilight, her horn glows for a second then the world falls apart around us, suddenly we are not in the library anymore, we are in an old disused warehouse.

 

"Lead the way" Twilight says as I start walking in the direction of a large hole in the back wall of the warehouse, we all climb through and down into the empty catacombs, "Split up everypony, we need to search every inch of this place for any books or journal enteries about the zombies" they all make noises of confirmation and head off in different directions.

 

I head off in the direction that i found the document in when I first came down to these catacombs, it doesn't take me long to find the room in which I found it, after a while of digging through the rooms nearby I find a promising scrap of paper, it recounts how the zombies swarmed the city and how nearly everypony got infected, but there was an eclipse and immediately following it everypony turned back to normal.

 

I gasp and run back through the catacombs calling to everypony else, after a few minutes we are gathered at the enterance again and I read them the page, suddenly the slips away again and we are in Canterlot Castle, suprised looks are on the faces of the guards and the princesses Celestia and Luna.

 

"Twilight, what are you and your friends doing here? And why are you with him?" she gestures towards me and I back away slowly, "Princess" she blurts out "He found the cure!" Celestia looks at me as I approach and hand her the page, she reads it then hands it to Luna, then with unspoken agreement they align the sun and the moon to cause an eclipse.

 

The guards, whom I hadn't noticed were fighting off zombies, immideately stopped, the zombies reverted back to confused looking ponies who obviously had no recollection of the event, which explains why everypony thought that zombies were just an old tale, everypony that turned forgot about it and the few that didn't must have been thought of as crazy.

 

The guards surround me and aim their spears at me, Celestia approaches "Night Shade" I flinch at my name, those who know it will know the crimes I have committed "You are a wanted fugitive with a bounty unmatched in all of Eqestria...  However, without you there would be no Equestria left" the guards lower their spears at a nod from the princess.

 

"As thanks for saving Equestria I shall revoke your criminal status, however you must resign yourself to live in Ponyville and I shall have Twilight and her friends keep an eye on you" I sigh with relief, far better to be living in Ponyville than to be imprisoned for eternity, I bow to the princess and thank her then Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and I all set off back to Ponyville, knowing that we had just saved all of Equestria but nopony would ever know it as us. 

 

 

 

 

 

[TailsIsNotAlone 3,695]

Right off the bat, your biggest problem: poor sentence structure. Most of the commas in there should be periods. ^^ Shorter sentences will fix the run-on feeling in this story. It also uses some familiar fanfiction cliches--an alicorn OC, zombie ponies--and doesn't do anything unique with them. The ponies aren't quite in character, they're just there to supply dialogue. The story is rushed with barely any descriptive or expository details.

 

It's not really bad or anything, but there's plenty of room for improvement here. Try shortening up your sentences, then slow down and let the story breathe so the reader can settle in before the action starts. Keep practicing!

[Lost 1,410]

Right off the bat, your biggest problem: poor sentence structure. Most of the commas in there should be periods. ^^ Shorter sentences will fix the run-on feeling in this story. It also uses some familiar fanfiction cliches--an alicorn OC, zombie ponies--and doesn't do anything unique with them. The ponies aren't quite in character, they're just there to supply dialogue. The story is rushed with barely any descriptive or expository details.

 

It's not really bad or anything, but there's plenty of room for improvement here. Try shortening up your sentences, then slow down and let the story breathe so the reader can settle in before the action starts. Keep practicing!

Thanks for the feedback

 

I've always found commas to be my biggest downfall in writing, especially when I write on my iPad. If you ever read my first chapter of my main project that I posted on here you would see this mistake frequently throughout

 

As for the cliches, I do understand that Alicorn OCs and zombies are overused but I found that an Alicorn best matched my OCs back story and I needed some sort of big disaster to bring my reclusive OC out of hiding, the idea was that this story was to open up the ability to tell my OC's fullback story.

 

I did start off with the intention of makngtge story robust and allowing for full descriptions but I quickly realised that it would make what I intended to be a short story to introduce my OC into a lengthy tale of an already overused subject.

[One 498]

I'm going to highly agree with TailsAlone and his (or maybe her, I dont stalk people so I wouldn't know) comment on the sentence structure. You need to create a rythme, you can't just have a ton of run on sentences. Things need to flow together nice and evenly- I'm just going to stop now because I think you get my point.

 

Other than that (I didn't actualy read it all, just skimmed) I noticed some basic grammar/spelling mistakes, I'm sure if you re read it you will be able to find them. Also it needs more description to help me as a reader understand what is going on in depth, and what the mood is, etc.

Edited December 16, 2012 by One

[Fubz 300]

Word choice is alright Sometimes though I kept  on hearing repeats of the same basic words like "live". I've not got a great vocabulary, so when I run out of words, or my words are too simple, I just use thesaurus and dictionary to get words that will hint at ideas and attitudes to the reader.

 

D: I didn't read it all (apparently it's time for me to sleep, stupid clocks) but yea, I agree with these guys, sentence structure. You've laid it out funny, but I guess because you're on your iPad it's a bit hard to concentrate on that.

[Lost 1,410]

 

I'm going to highly agree with TailsAlone and his (or maybe her, I dont stalk people so I wouldn't know) comment on the sentence structure. You need to create a rythme, you can't just have a ton of run on sentences. Things need to flow together nice and evenly- I'm just going to stop now because I think you get my point.

Other than that (I didn't actualy read it all, just skimmed) I noticed some basic grammar/spelling mistakes, I'm sure if you re read it you will be able to find them. Also it needs more description to help me as a reader understand what is going on in depth, and what the mood is, etc.

Word choice is alright Sometimes though I kept  on hearing repeats of the same basic words like "live". I've not got a great vocabulary, so when I run out of words, or my words are too simple, I just use thesaurus and dictionary to get words that will hint at ideas and attitudes to the reader.

 

D: I didn't read it all (apparently it's time for me to sleep, stupid clocks) but yea, I agree with these guys, sentence structure. You've laid it out funny, but I guess because you're on your iPad it's a bit hard to concentrate on that.

Thank you both for your feedback.

 

Layout was somewhat hard on an iPad, and repition of words could be attributed to the fact that I wrote this over the course of a few nights rather than in one sitting, at one pointi switched from present to past tense and back again because lack of sleep had me in a poor state of concentration.

 

I could have gone into far greater depth with descriptions, anyone who has read my other works would tell you that description is my strong point but alas, painting a picture with words can become a very lengthy task, not that I mind, but as this is just intended to be a very short fan fiction (I intended roughly 1,500 words but ended up with nearly 3,000) I had to cut down on the description, hopping that using references to the shows, characters and locations would help provide imaging without me having to describe everything to the reader.

 

 

You both mention that you didn't read it all, is this because it's too long for a fan fic or just poorly written, therefore not grasping enough, I ask because if it is the latter then I could improve my writing by making my stories longer with better description, but if it is the former then adding more text in the form of full length descriptions would make matters worse.

Edited December 17, 2012 by Lost

[One 498]

 

Thank you both for your feedback.

Layout was somewhat hard on an iPad, and repition of words could be attributed to the fact that I wrote this over the course of a few nights rather than in one sitting, at one pointi switched from present to past tense and back again because lack of sleep had me in a poor state of concentration.

I could have gone into far greater depth with descriptions, anyone who has read my other works would tell you that description is my strong point but alas, painting a picture with words can become a very lengthy task, not that I mind, but as this is just intended to be a very short fan fiction (I intended roughly 1,500 words but ended up with nearly 3,000) I had to cut down on the description, hopping that using references to the shows, characters and locations would help provide imaging without me having to describe everything to the reader.

You both mention that you didn't read it all, is this because it's too long for a fan fic or just poorly written, therefore not grasping enough, I ask because if it is the latter then I could improve my writing by making my stories longer with better description, but if it is the former then adding more text in the form of full length descriptions would make matters worse.

I didn't read it because I had other things to do. Plus I don't think you ever said what it's about, so it's harder to just start reading if I have no idea what I'm really reading.

[Fubz 300]

 

Thank you both for your feedback.

 

Layout was somewhat hard on an iPad, and repition of words could be attributed to the fact that I wrote this over the course of a few nights rather than in one sitting, at one pointi switched from present to past tense and back again because lack of sleep had me in a poor state of concentration.

 

I could have gone into far greater depth with descriptions, anyone who has read my other works would tell you that description is my strong point but alas, painting a picture with words can become a very lengthy task, not that I mind, but as this is just intended to be a very short fan fiction (I intended roughly 1,500 words but ended up with nearly 3,000) I had to cut down on the description, hopping that using references to the shows, characters and locations would help provide imaging without me having to describe everything to the reader.

 

 

You both mention that you didn't read it all, is this because it's too long for a fan fic or just poorly written, therefore not grasping enough, I ask because if it is the latter then I could improve my writing by making my stories longer with better description, but if it is the former then adding more text in the form of full length descriptions would make matters worse.

I've never read a fan fic in full ever. I'm always too busy Haven't really gotten into the flow of reading yet since the past few years :3