OC, Artwork, and Writing Reviews

[NekromantiaFox 270]

Lately there's been a lot of people asking me for my opinions on their OCs, wondering if I like the character's appearance or personality or back story, as well as people asking me about their artistic qualities or writing ability. So, rather than answer everybody individually, I thought this might be a good idea. I would like everybody to remember first of all that this is a completely un-biased look on things, and that I will be brutally honest. However, I also fully intend on giving you suggestions as well, ideas that may help you improve. I will try to be lenient about writing and artwork submissions.

 

Please use the following form for OC submissions:

 

Name:

Age:

Gender:

Species:

Reference:

Back-story:

Personality:

 

Please use the following form for artwork submissions:

 

Image:

Side note:

 

Please use the following form for writing submissions:

 

Example/Writing Piece:

Side note:
 

Okay, now I know you may be skeptical (you have every right to be), and my opinion probably doesn't mean much, but please believe me when I tell you that I know what I'm doing with these things. I will try to analyze your entry to the fullest, so that I can give proper and educated feedback on your work. 

 

Please don't be shy :3

 

NOTE: My opinion is only one in millions of others, just because I don't like something, doesn't mean others won't.

 

If there is something unlisted you would like me to judge, please feel free to ask (music, new species concepts, etc).

Edited August 2, 2013 by NekromantiaFox

[Rascal~ 657]

well, I guess I will start this off before your swamped with a million people wanting your views.

 

Name: Stardust

Age: 667

Gender: female

Species: Alicorn

Ref/Per/Back-story:

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/stardust-r4020

The page is going through re-construction so your opinion will defintely help me out, sorry about the format of it aswell, the computer wont save it right so there's no paragraphs where there should be.

Thanks Fox.

[Lisa 5,553]

Artwork.

 

 

 

Side Note.

 

I created this within around 40 - 50 minutes, I just want to know whether that time was spent well, or wasted.

[Nomadic 210]

I've had very little feedback on my OC, and would really enjoy all the help I could get on how to improve him.

 

Name: Monkshood

Age: 22

Gender: Male

Species: Earth Pony

Ref/Back Story/Personality: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/monkshood-r4031

 

P.S. I would really actually appreciate an opinion on the colour scheme for him, since I've been having problems with it. If you have a better one could you please suggest it.

[NekromantiaFox 270]

well, I guess I will start this off before your swamped with a million people wanting your views.

 

Name: Stardust

Age: 667

Gender: female

Species: Alicorn

Ref/Per/Back-story:

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/stardust-r4020

The page is going through re-construction so your opinion will defintely help me out, sorry about the format of it aswell, the computer wont save it right so there's no paragraphs where there should be.

Thanks Fox.

 

Well, thank you for stepping up to the plate!

 

The first thing I have to point out is that she is an ALICORN. Alicorns generally have a pretty bad reputation (for good reason), but I believe they can be very nice when approached properly. Either way, this is what immediately stood out to me and gave me my first warning bell. That aside, let's begin.

 

Reading into her personality, it seems as though you really played far too many cliches. When creating a character, it's important to remember what a cutiemark IS first of all. A cutiemark is a visual representation of the pony's talent. Generally ponies have only a single talent, so it always really bugs me when a character is given an entire mural of symbols to represent MULTIPLE talents. The main feature of your character's being is being able to manipulate time, correct? This talent in and of itself is a little over-played as a general rule, but adding in an additional ability (sword play) completely disrupts this system. The musical addition is unnecessary, and has absolutely nothing to do with her talent AT ALL. I would suggest picking a SINGLE talent, or at least a single "theme". Your character is all over the place, and covers far too much. If would would like to focus her abilities around sword fighting or fighting in general, GOOD. If you would like to make her primarily a time traveler, FINE. But NEVER give a MLP character multiple cutiemarks.

 

(I would go with the sword play personally because it isn't so over-powering, but you seem hooked to the whole time-travel idea.)

 

When you moved on to writing out her personality traits, it's fairly obvious that you couldn't quite decide what you wanted her to be entirely. She writes or studies as a primary hobby, and only rarely works on developing her "talents". You also played into the "insane" role, which would be fine if it were used properly. Instead, you sort of scatter it about, and drive it in way too far. Basically, you need to develop her personality more.

 

Even throughout her backstory, you continue to wander back and forth a lot between interest and potential to complete cliche. She's an orphan who was bullied and hated, basically ran away, and now lives in a cave, where she studies magic, creates spells, and time travels on her free time. Also, while I definitely love a good story that is set apart from the cannon universe, some connection NEEDS to be drawn. At no point in the pony history were alicorns EVER hated. An alicorn is basically the equivalent of a GOD to the equestrians.

 

"If you ever meet Stardust, she may act differently, be something totally different from you read here and from you've seen her in other places."

^ THIS is why you need to develop your character further.

 

I hate to say this, but your character simply isn't very good. I would suggest thinking into her a bit farther. Selecting a single talent would be a good start, and changing her into a unicorn rather than an alicorn would also be a good idea. She has a lot of unlocked potential, you just need to decide upon a single direction to take her. Remember to give your characters WEAKNESSES, in my time I've come to learn that all of the best characters have something that hinders them less than others in some way. Every successful grimdark character I have ever known has had some major fault.

 

I hope I haven't stepped on too many toes with this ^^"

 

Not even going to MENTION the color scheme or name...

Artwork.

 

 

 

Side Note.

 

I created this within around 40 - 50 minutes, I just want to know whether that time was spent well, or wasted.

 

This is the most random thing I have ever seen and I love it XD

 

Okay, dorkiness aside...

 

It doesn't seem like you were really trying to accomplish anything with this, there doesn't really seem to be a specific goal you were trying to reach and their isn't any obvious vision. The good news, however, is that this is the only fault that would prevent me from liking it more!

 

The piece is a bit juvenile, which bothers me a bit, but the linework is very smooth and the effects add quite a lot of interest. You may want to add more interest to the focal point though, because the fog draws your attention away from him, instead of towards him. This can be easily fixed by adding a few warm colors from behind him, it would effect the mood of the picture, but it would also draw your attention TOWARDS the character, because, at this current moment in time, your eyes are drawn more towards the lettering than the rest of the picture, because it stands out more. If you don't want to disrupt the mood of the picture, I suggest making the fog less prominent around him, sharpening and darkening the lines towards the top, and then utilizing that fog effect towards the bottom where his legs are, so that your attention is still directed that way.

I've had very little feedback on my OC, and would really enjoy all the help I could get on how to improve him.

 

Name: Monkshood

Age: 22

Gender: Male

Species: Earth Pony

Ref/Back Story/Personality: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/monkshood-r4031

 

P.S. I would really actually appreciate an opinion on the colour scheme for him, since I've been having problems with it. If you have a better one could you please suggest it.

 

As far as initial design goes, I actually really like his color scheme, everything flows properly and it's absolutely lovely. The bits of pink (peach?) at his muzzle really brings out the rest of the color, and gives him a nice natural glow. 

 

In his Appearance description I see that you say he often has some form of plant matter stuck in his hair? You may not know this now, but this was a WONDERFUL idea. Green is a cool color, where as the rest of your character's scheme is warm colors. This will make the green really pop, and will also help in balancing between the warms and colds. The satchel accessory is also a very good idea, because you can use it to help the cool colors flow properly, if you choose to have just a bit of plant matter showing possibly. not to mention, it's a unique and generally uncommon accessory.

 

I like how, when developing his cutiemark, you were able to stick to a single theme, without branching off too far. You added just a bit of personality into it, but managed to do it without disturbing the message containing his talent, which is something many people tend to have problems with.

 

I also enjoy the fact that his personality is so straight-forward and decided. You obviously took time into considering it, and made it seem realistic and understandable in the process. He seems like somebody who could be REAL, which is always very impressive.

 

In his backstory, you added just enough cliche to add interest, but not enough to over-encumber the story and negatively effect him in a way that makes it seem as though your trying to hard. I also enjoy your writing style quite a bit, it flows very naturally, which is something I don't see as often as I would like.

 

Overally, I really enjoyed your character. He's very original. If you're worried about his color scheme, perhaps adding some cool color into his eyes would help make it pop more for you (I suggest blue). However, this isn't entirely necessary and you may prefer it the way it is.

Edited August 3, 2013 by NekromantiaFox

[Colt 555]

There is always a chance for improvement when somepony shares its mind, hope you can make an opinion of my OC's

 

OC's -

Name: Colt Strahl |

Age: 1000+ years (lived 21)

Gender: Male

Species: Dragon 

Reference: 

Back-story: You can fin it here

Personality: You can fin it here

---

Earth Miracle |

 

Age: 1000+ years (lived 19)

Gender: Female

Species: Pegasus 

Reference: 

Back-story: You can fin it here

Personality: You can fin it here

 

Here you have access to all their artwork

Edited August 3, 2013 by Colt

[Stellafera 3,836]

I like your reviews. Very detailed. 

 

Name: Bright Lights

Age: Late Teens

Gender: Female

Species: Pegasus

Reference/Back-Story/Personality: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/bright-lights-r2753

 

[Midnight Blade 80]

Example/Writing Piece:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dpkwBItBS3IQ8bjpXxThlk8y4eqzTTtpP5ZBu9y2Hnc/edit

Side note: It's far from done and I only really write when I feel like it...

Also the ponies will come later if you wanted to know.

[NekromantiaFox 270]

 

There is always a chance for improvement when somepony shares its mind, hope you can make an opinion of my OC's

 

OC's -

Name: Colt Strahl |

Age: 1000+ years (lived 21)

Gender: Male

Species: Dragon 

Reference: 

Back-story: You can fin it here

Personality: You can fin it here

---

Earth Miracle |

 

Age: 1000+ years (lived 19)

Gender: Female

Species: Pegasus 

Reference: 

 

Back-story: You can fin it here

Personality: You can fin it here

 

Here you have access to all their artwork

 

 

I have a confession to make....I have been unknowingly stalking your OC for almost a year now, Emi's design is simply gorgeous.

 

Colt~

 

I don't see MLP Dragon OCs very often, so this is a bit of a refreshing change for me. His color scheme is rather attractive, and approached well, however as I read into it you say that his scales are actually black, but appear blue under specific lighting, correct? I found this a bit unnecessary, but it doesn't seem to effect the design too much, so I suppose it's fine. The yellow you used makes for good accenting, which adds interest to his design and draws your eyes in his direction, where this effect wouldn't have been so powerful if the spinal scales/spikes had been blue or black.

 

His personality is not one of which is particularly uncommon, and it's a bit of a cliche, but it's an interesting cliche and it appears as though you managed to keep it all under control without overplaying it or adding in too much to it.

 

Adding him that bit of "magical ability" might have made him seem a little over-powered, but I enjoy his backstory despite this. I'm glad you didn't draw too much attention to this though, and you managed to play it without giving him this aura of "OMG I'm SPECIALERZ THAN YOU". However, you did tap into this as it went on a bit, explaining how he was capable of learning much faster than average magic-using dragons, which I have to admit I was a little upset to see. 

 

His storyline in interesting enough, though you overpowered him a bit. All characters NEED a weakness, and you seem to present your OC as an "unstoppable being".

 

Also, you have good taste in artwork, I happen to know CosmicAlicorn and Dead-Kittens3 fairly well.

 

Emi~

 

I approve of your choice of nickname XD

 

I thoroughly enjoy her color scheme, it has this sense of maturity and femininity that I find simply gorgeous. I love the different tones used in her hair, because it creates a very unique sense of depth, and the use of pink accenting along her body was simply brilliant.

 

Her cutiemark is a bit on the overly-complicated side, and isn't easily understood, although the design in and of itself is very attractive. You don't get an immediate sense of her personality from it, because the complexity makes it difficult to make out what it's supposed to represent unless somebody explains it to you, which is never a good sign. None-the-less I like the idea.

 

Her personality has a sense of reality, and makes quite a lot of sense, every trait having a direct cause that is woven into her backstory. Her backstory is written very well, and I simply adore it. She's got a bit of a classic feel to her, but without overpowering her or giving her too much interest, which prevents it from seeming particularly cliche.

 

Generally, I like both of your OCs. I prefer Emi, of course, mostly because I think Colt's backstory is a bit over-worked and cliche.

 

I like your reviews. Very detailed. 

 

Name: Bright Lights

Age: Late Teens

Gender: Female

Species: Pegasus

Reference/Back-Story/Personality: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/bright-lights-r2753

 

 

At first glance, her design doesn't have much interest. I would suggest adding in some conflicting colors, such as red, possibly in her accessories, so that there is a little more balance between the warm and cool tones. Purple generally isn't considered a cold tone, but the darker bits win it over and make it so. Some darker pinks might be a good idea, possibly even changing her eye color to something that will stand out more.

 

She seems to have a very bubbly and fun personality, with just that splash of responsibility that prevents her from being too "pinkie" and becoming a party pony, which is a personality trait I happen to find very obnoxious. I like how "clueless" she is, a bit oblivious, but blissfully so. This adds a bit of a unique spin to her, and gives her a sort of puppy-like feel as well. It's cute XD Adding a bit of forcefulness into her character was a good idea as well, because it gives her a fault, something that would prevent people from adoring her for no real reason.

 

I like her backstory, the simplicity is very refreshing, and it's not something most people would particularly go after. It makes it seem as though you weren't TRYING  TOO HARD, which is a common problem.

 

"Everypony has a little Trotway star inside of them. Like a baby! A little theater baby! Um, but not, like, literally, though..."

^ This gives a strong sense of personality, and I like it.

 

Example/Writing Piece:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dpkwBItBS3IQ8bjpXxThlk8y4eqzTTtpP5ZBu9y2Hnc/edit

Side note: It's far from done and I only really write when I feel like it...

Also the ponies will come later if you wanted to know.

 

 

I can't exactly give you a full review until you give me permission to see it XD Sorry about that, it's a google drive thing. I sent an access request.

[Midnight Blade 80]

Sorry about that. I've shared it now.

Hope you enjoy it, it's seriously the first time I've written something that big.

[Ampharos 1,009]

I'm just posting here so I don't lose the thread, as I'm still working on the OCs I want reviewed. I guess while I'm doing that you could review either Blaze Finder or Dog Ears...

[Colt 555]

I have a confession to make....I have been unknowingly stalking your OC for almost a year now, Emi's design is simply gorgeous

 

 Oh wow, I don't know what to say its an honor and thank you very much for enjoying what I pictured in my mind and ofcourse thanks for taking your time and do this your opinions and points will help me improve them =D.

 

 

 

His storyline in interesting enough, though you overpowered him a bit. All characters NEED a weakness, and you seem to present your OC as an "unstoppable being".

 

Yes, yes and yes you are absolutely right his story has some of cliche a spice of overpower and It would seem that he has no weaknesses. But thats the surface(I know nothing of what its coming next its described on their profiles). you see Colt and Emi are the main characters of a fic Im writing and him being the way he is has a purpose. The fic deals with a the flaws the world of Equestria has (flaws that are the ones of our world and of us as humans), segregation, fear, betrayal, consequences from actions in the past and some other stuff are taken into the story. Colt as its designed could be a "force to be recon with" but in the end he is not "necessary" in Equestria. His biggest desire is to be part of that world of happiness, friendship and love that he holds dear in his heart, but truth is that world doesnt has a place for him and dont want to make a place for him.

 

So even when he can "defeat" or "overcome" situations he is truly fighting a fight to belong, fight that he wont win and thats where his weakness is. How this will develop its still to be seen.

 

Here an idea of how he feels

 

 

About Emi, well I really dont deserve any credit from her looks  @CrystalRose, is the one who started her design and wicklesmack the one who finished her art concept they are the ones to be congratulated they brought that lovely mare to life. 

 

Talking of her cutiemark there is a reason behind it being like this. As you now know Emi is from 1000 years in the past so I have the "idea" that just as it was with people from the past ponies from 1000 years ago would be less "practical" and more "symbolic" her "conceptual cutie mark" was develop having that in mind, as well as the ones from some "past heroes" im developing.

 

About the arts well Im kind of waiting my turn to commission you, I have you on my watch list and when the chance is open I would totally ask for a piece from you 

Also if you can keep sharing your opinions about some stuff I would like to submit a couple of other things =D but ill wait for you to say OK

Edited August 4, 2013 by Colt

[Grand_Finale 529]

Would you mind looking at my OC?

Name:Grand Finale

Age:21

Gender:Female

Species:Unicorn

Reference:Grand Finale in my signature

 

I would appreciate it greatly if you would give her a good look through, I always appreciate constructive criticism

[NekromantiaFox 270]

Sorry about that. I've shared it now.

Hope you enjoy it, it's seriously the first time I've written something that big.

 

Thank you, this is much better.

 

Let me start of saying that I have written several novels in the past, and I generally only read books with a very high lexile (difficulty).

 

Your writing isn't very difficult to read, and it's definitely not to my taste. See, the problem with your writing style is that you TELL the reader what's happening, rather than SHOWING. Here, let me show you:

 

“Another day, eh”

As I pushed away my blanket I had the same thought I often had. ”Sometimes I wish my life was more interesting.”

My parents weren’t home at the moment.

the television was off so it wasn’t hard to tell that.

I started up my computer and went downstairs to the fridge.“damn, it’s empty again.”

 

^This is what you wrote

 

"Another day, eh"

I shoved aside my blanket, blinking back any remaining sleepiness. I sit there for a while as a sudden thought popped up into my mind, a thought I often had. 

"Sometimes I wish my life was more interesting," it was a quiet thought, something I didn't spend much time thinking about before I redirected my attention to something else. 

The television had been turned off, a sure sign that my parents weren't currently in the house, likely off running errands of some form. I leaned over my bed, reaching outward past my desk towards the computer, which I promptly turned on. I allowed it to warm up as I left the room, making my way down towards the kitchen and into the fridge. To my dismay, it was bare yet again, not a single morsel remained.

 

^ This is the short prompt I wrote up for you as an example

 

I didn't take much time typing that up, you'll have to forgive me, I normally write in a fairly high lexile range, so this is a bit dull to my standards.

 

Anywho, basically, you need to be more descriptive. Every action, emotion, and area should be explained in-depth, so that a proper image and a good sense of being and feeling is painted in the mind of the reader. Try not to be too vague, but remember not to be TOO obvious either, because this will eliminate the sense of suspense, which will cause the person to lose interest in the story. Also, dialogue shouldn't be something that is used so often, especially in a first-person writing piece. 

I'm just posting here so I don't lose the thread, as I'm still working on the OCs I want reviewed. I guess while I'm doing that you could review either Blaze Finder or Dog Ears...

 

Well, if you want me to review them, you will have to follow the form and post them properly for me.

 

 

 Oh wow, I don't know what to say its an honor and thank you very much for enjoying what I pictured in my mind and ofcourse thanks for taking your time and do this your opinions and points will help me improve them =D.

 

 

 

 

Yes, yes and yes you are absolutely right his story has some of cliche a spice of overpower and It would seem that he has no weaknesses. But thats the surface(I know nothing of what its coming next its described on their profiles). you see Colt and Emi are the main characters of a fic Im writing and him being the way he is has a purpose. The fic deals with a the flaws the world of Equestria has (flaws that are the ones of our world and of us as humans), segregation, fear, betrayal, consequences from actions in the past and some other stuff are taken into the story. Colt as its designed could be a "force to be recon with" but in the end he is not "necessary" in Equestria. His biggest desire is to be part of that world of happiness, friendship and love that he holds dear in his heart, but truth is that world doesnt has a place for him and dont want to make a place for him.

 

So even when he can "defeat" or "overcome" situations he is truly fighting a fight to belong, fight that he wont win and thats where his weakness is. How this will develop its still to be seen.

 

Here an idea of how he feels

 

 

About Emi, well I really dont deserve any credit from her looks  @CrystalRose, is the one who started her design and wicklesmack the one who finished her art concept they are the ones to be congratulated they brought that lovely mare to life. 

 

Talking of her cutiemark there is a reason behind it being like this. As you now know Emi is from 1000 years in the past so I have the "idea" that just as it was with people from the past ponies from 1000 years ago would be less "practical" and more "symbolic" her "conceptual cutie mark" was develop having that in mind, as well as the ones from some "past heroes" im developing.

 

About the arts well Im kind of waiting my turn to commission you, I have you on my watch list and when the chance is open I would totally ask for a piece from you 

Also if you can keep sharing your opinions about some stuff I would like to submit a couple of other things =D but ill wait for you to say OK

 

It does make it somewhat better, believe it or not, to know that these characters were designed for a specific story, and not simply to be used as a basic roleplay OC.

 

Also, I opened up Commissions a few nights ago, I can't link you because that would be advertising, but my DeviantART is NekromantiaFox, if you're interested. And sure, go ahead and submit.

[Stellafera 3,836]

At first glance, her design doesn't have much interest. I would suggest adding in some conflicting colors, such as red, possibly in her accessories, so that there is a little more balance between the warm and cool tones. Purple generally isn't considered a cold tone, but the darker bits win it over and make it so. Some darker pinks might be a good idea, possibly even changing her eye color to something that will stand out more.

 

She seems to have a very bubbly and fun personality, with just that splash of responsibility that prevents her from being too "pinkie" and becoming a party pony, which is a personality trait I happen to find very obnoxious. I like how "clueless" she is, a bit oblivious, but blissfully so. This adds a bit of a unique spin to her, and gives her a sort of puppy-like feel as well. It's cute XD Adding a bit of forcefulness into her character was a good idea as well, because it gives her a fault, something that would prevent people from adoring her for no real reason.

 

I like her backstory, the simplicity is very refreshing, and it's not something most people would particularly go after. It makes it seem as though you weren't TRYING  TOO HARD, which is a common problem.

 

"Everypony has a little Trotway star inside of them. Like a baby! A little theater baby! Um, but not, like, literally, though..."

^ This gives a strong sense of personality, and I like it.

 

Thank you for your advice on the design, I'll try to rework it with a little bit of magenta to add some spice. 

 

I had a lot of fun writing that bit of dialogue. She's got a very strong "voice" and practically spills out the words herself, so as somebody who likes dialogue, it makes me happy. 

Edited August 4, 2013 by Stellafera

[Colt 555]

Ok here we go this are the entries that I have edited and prepared as part of my FIC. This FIC prepares the ground for the one Emi and Colt are part off. This will tell stories and legends that the characters may have to deal with. 

 

http://coltmx.deviantart.com/art/Tales-of-a-Millennium-Prologue-369072756

 

http://coltmx.deviantart.com/art/ToM-Entry-I-The-Valley-of-the-Blaze-Garden-pg1-375245911

 

http://coltmx.deviantart.com/art/ToM-Entry-I-The-Valley-of-the-Blaze-Garden-pg2-375245883

 

Please use the zoom to read them, there are other entries but im still waiting for the artwork for em to publish.

[Sky Warden 2,243]

 

 

Also, dialogue shouldn't be something that is used so often, especially in a first-person writing piece. 

 

 

I'm sorry for bumping into your thread, but I disagree with this. Dialogue is one of the strongest tools used in fiction writing. They're very helpful for providing information and many more. I don't see any reason why you must not use dialogues so often, even in first person writing. I mean, why? If the character really speaks in the story, why not write it? Interior dialogues count.

 

By the way, I think you need to pay attention at punctuation and technical errors. I spotted many up there.

[NekromantiaFox 270]

 

 

I'm sorry for bumping into your thread, but I disagree with this. Dialogue is one of the strongest tools used in fiction writing. They're very helpful for providing information and many more. I don't see any reason why you must not use dialogues so often, even in first person writing. I mean, why? If the character really speaks in the story, why not write it? Interior dialogues count.

 

By the way, I think you need to pay attention at punctuation and technical errors. I spotted many up there.

 

 

I'm not really paying much attention to my punctuation at this moment in time, so it's not particularly important. Anyways, too much dialogue can cause very real problems in writing. It goes along the lines of the whole "show not tell" deal. Anyways, no matter what genre you are reading, excess dialogue pulls away from the story in and of itself. In first person specifically, the character generally shouldn't be talking to him/herself 24/7. First person writing is specifically more expressive, it shows the emotions and the like of the character more in-depth, and therefore, you shouldn't need to tell the reader what he's thinking at all points of the story, because the reader should be able to draw his opinion directly from how the character reacts and the like. I don't necessarily know how to explain it, but empty dialogue is just that...fillers.

 

Also, please remember that english is not my first language, so sometimes I don't make much of an effort to stay on top of my punctuation and stuff.

Edited August 4, 2013 by NekromantiaFox

[Blue Moon 6,341]

Could your review my main OC, Blue Moon? All the stuff you asked for can be found in his profile (a link for that can be found below.)

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/blue-moon-r2808

Edited August 4, 2013 by Blue Moon

[Sky Warden 2,243]

 

 

It goes along the lines of the whole "show not tell" deal.

 

Kinda funny that you mention this. I'm in a very lazy mood at the moment, so I won't go detailed this time. It's your thread after all. Dialogue provides information in an objective way. That's showing. The personalities of a character can be shown by its dialogue, the way it talks, and behave in conversation. I don't see why it violates the rule of show don't JUST tell. I mean, instead of telling your reader that your character is angry to someone, why don't show it using dialogues?

 

 

 

In first person specifically, the character generally shouldn't be talking to him/herself 24/7.

 

 

There's something called interior dialogue. It's just the same with the previous example. Instead of telling your reader that a character is angry, why don't show the character cursing inside his own mind? People do it very often in real life, and it's very objective.

 

 

Anyway, it's your thread. I don't want to disturb it.

[NekromantiaFox 270]

Kinda funny that you mention this. I'm in a very lazy mood at the moment, so I won't go detailed this time. It's your thread after all. Dialogue provides information in an objective way. That's showing. The personalities of a character can be shown by its dialogue, the way it talks, and behave in conversation. I don't see why it violates the rule of show don't JUST tell. I mean, instead of telling your reader that your character is angry to someone, why don't show it using dialogues?

 

 

 

 

 

There's something called interior dialogue. It's just the same with the previous example. Instead of telling your reader that a character is angry, why don't show the character cursing inside his own mind? People do it very often in real life, and it's very objective.

 

 

Anyway, it's your thread. I don't want to disturb it.

 

I don't know if you read his piece or not, but there NEEDS to be some balance between dialogue and action. It's literally all about balancing the two, and generally there should always be more action than dialogue, except in rare cases, which normally has to do with the genre. As I've said, I don't really know how to explain it entirely. Being a writer yourself, you should already know this. 

Would you mind looking at my OC?

Name:Grand Finale

Age:21

Gender:Female

Species:Unicorn

Reference:Grand Finale in my signature

 

I would appreciate it greatly if you would give her a good look through, I always appreciate constructive criticism

 

I apologize for the late reply.

 

Your character has a very straight-forward concept, which is nice. As far as the design goes, the eye color bothers me quite a lot. It doesn't really go with the design, and the overall color scheme simply doesn't flow properly.

 

When moving onto the rest of her, I get a very strong sense of her being, which is always a good sign. Her personality is very direct and feels real. However, her backstory doesn't really connect much with her talent or personality at all, and it's written in a very confusing and unorganized manner. You tend to jump around a bit, which isn't really a problem, but tends to be a bit annoying when not approached properly.

 

I would stick to JUST acting if I were you. Giving her too many abilities prevents the character from being truly great.

 

"Grand has been a part of nearly every play in ponyville, whether it be acting, directing, lights, costume, design, hair and makeup etc. since she was a filly."

[NekromantiaFox 270]

Ok here we go this are the entries that I have edited and prepared as part of my FIC. This FIC prepares the ground for the one Emi and Colt are part off. This will tell stories and legends that the characters may have to deal with. 

 

http://coltmx.deviantart.com/art/Tales-of-a-Millennium-Prologue-369072756

 

http://coltmx.deviantart.com/art/ToM-Entry-I-The-Valley-of-the-Blaze-Garden-pg1-375245911

 

http://coltmx.deviantart.com/art/ToM-Entry-I-The-Valley-of-the-Blaze-Garden-pg2-375245883

 

Please use the zoom to read them, there are other entries but im still waiting for the artwork for em to publish.

 

 

Could your review my main OC, Blue Moon? All the stuff you asked for can be found in his profile (a link for that can be found below.)

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/blue-moon-r2808

 

Sorry about the delay, guys, Some stuff came up real recently and I have quite a lot of work dumped on me suddenly. I haven't forgotten, and I'll get to work on your reviews as soon as possible.