[Open] Feedback for your OC for Roleplaying!

[Dsanders 5,747]

Hey Sterling! Your reviews here are quite interesting. Perhaps you can check out my OCs profile and let me know what you think? The link to my OC's profile is underneath my signature. 

 

Looking forward to your review! 

[MrPandaa 204]

They went really well. I was just swamped with other stuff before I could reopen this thread, particularly Christmas and applications. 

 

I think you asked me to review another OC of yours? I'll get to it tonight.

That's good to hear, dude!  Actually, I had asked you to review Shadow again, but if you don't mind, I think I'd prefer now that you review Troubled Soul.  And thanks for doing this, man, you're awesome!

[Inactive01 5,299]

@Fanglore

Fallen Star

 

Appearance: You've certainly given him a very unique look to start off Fallen Star. He certainly tends to himself very well. I was slightly surprised to see that he turns out to be a very nice stallion. For a moment, I thought he'd be more caring about his looks than kindness (don't take offense. Your character's nice). I would find him caring about his looks very interesting though because it would certainly help his character development in the course of a roleplay. After all, his appearance fits that personality pretty well in my opinion. Nevertheless, a unique pony and I like the different outfits you give him which serve different purposes.

Score: 8/10

 

Backstory: You start off by saying that he is among the ponies to break away from Equestria and form a new country. I wish I knew about its relations with Equestria and why the break was necessary (or was desired) in the first place. Also, how did Fallen Star move up the ranks (optional, but it would be cool to describe. Maybe you can tap into his rise and fall perhaps?) 

And then...

Wait, wait, wait... 

 

Born an alicorn? Is that even possible? I know you're trying to make the story interesting, but it just doesn't seem right to introduce it the way you did. The Equestria you're portraying seems to be very much against the birthing of alicorns, but is that even possible for starters? Also, I didn't even think he was an alicorn until you mentioned it. I thought he was just a unicorn. How did his parents have the ability to birth an alicorn? It just doesn't seem right. I know you're hiding that trait, and that's fine, but at the same time, people will look at the story and say, "Oh it's a sign of a Mary Sue." It would be much safer if you found some way for him to acquire alicornhood rather than be born with it, because we're not even sure if that's biologically possible in Equestria. Finally, how did his parents not notice his alicornhood from birth? They could have easily seen the wings and the horn right after birth right?

 

Based on that, I think you need to add a lot more detail in your backstory if you insist on staying the course, especially with the new country he formed and the time through which the land was begun. Otherwise, keep him a unicorn.

Score: 4/10

 

Personality: I can actually imagine the personality traits you placed on him, and that is nice. Him being the daydreamy type certainly fits his appearance well in particular. Like I said, you can explore his need to be neat and prim because he has that look. Maybe shape him like a mix of Rarity and Prince Blueblood so you can give him that weakness that he can mature from during a story. 

Score: 7/10

@Keypassion

When I took a look at your OC, I figured it was still in development, so I won't mark it right now. Instead, I'll help you out by giving you some ideas to consider for his backstory.

 

Appearance: He looks like a very cute pony. Very curious and very intuitive. You've certainly made his cutie mark match that well. He'd be very curious about other pony's relationships and would have a keen eye on whether a relationship (or marriage) can be sustained among them. He reminds me of Figaro from The Barber of Seville, Rossini's most famous opera. And you've certainly given him that confident, yet cute look for him. That's certainly a good start. Keep it.

 

Backstory: First off, give a cutie mark story. How can he tap into love at such a young age? How did he find out that he could find ways to ferment love between two ponies? Why did you give a link to Twilight? Why not give him a kiddie crush on Twilight? Not something too deep... but something like Spike's infatuation with Rarity. I would find that really cute. It wouldn't serious and he would eventually shake it off, but maybe it would inspire him to help find love for other ponies. Maybe you could also talk about his time in Canterlot, or about his parents... and siblings even. Maybe you could give him his cutie mark at school when he helped his classmates open up about the opposite gender and help them start close childhood friendships. 

 

There's some ideas now. Maybe you can go deeper in some other stories later.

 

Personality: You can also develop this section too. What emotions does he typically express? Joy? Eccentricity? Cockiness perhaps? How about his habits? Does he do anything unique from other ponies? Does he like gossip? Does he like to snoop where he shouldn't? Maybe you could also give him some secrets that would be less than desirable to share...

[Pat.Rio.T. 305]

Can you do SSMan/Pat.Rio.T. please?

 

By the way, the reason why he is called SSMan, (Star Spangled Man) is because he is a ponified version of my OC. And I don't know about you, but SSStallion or SSColt didn't seem to have that same "catchyness" to me. So I'm just sticking with it for now.

[Inactive01 5,299]

@Dsanders

Orion Skies

 

Appearance: The image you showed me at your OC's page suggested a more valiant and daring OC. The personality section told me that he was quite the opposite. Maybe it's an inner sense of confidence in him. Otherwise, I like the colour palette you give him and I like the cutie mark too. It's very unique. And you've given him a set of mechanical wings from the other section. I like that too... Nice OC so far.

Score: 9/10

 

Backstory: You've certainly pushed out a lot of details about his home-schooled life. In fact, why does this whole story ring a bell...? Never mind that. Anyway, I find this to be a really awesome story. But you're placing it all into Orion's viewpoint. I feel that a backstory should consider the views of the characters closely linked to him too. Let's take your OC again. You've focused a lot on Orion's point of view in terms of being isolated from the world because of his parents. But did you give a chance for the parents to show that they really don't care about Orion not being able to do what he could do in socializing with everyone? You could at this point also have the opportunity to describe Orion's parents a little bit. State their careers (which you never did) and also describe how they got to where they were. You know, you could give them some reason to adopt their views, because everything has a reason, even if it's very stupid.

 

Otherwise, it's a very well written backstory. You've placed a lot of thought into developing Orion's abilities and his thought processes. You've given him a story you can develop from his strained relationship with his parents. The desire to be free versus this need to protect from his parents.

Score: 8.5/10

 

Personality: Also a very detailed section, which I appreciate. I don't think there is much I can add to this other than placing a particular weakness or two. Maybe his refusal to discuss anything related to his parents because of the strained relationship. Or maybe his desire to be free and not be under a particular authority if he feels that it strains his freedom. Just some ideas. Otherwise, a well written section too.

Score: 8.5/10

[Arylett Charnoa 4,919]

I've wanted to start a thread myself like this for the longest of times, but I haven't had an opportunity. Oh well. Let's just toss mine in and see what words get spewed out about it.

 

Artsy Dreamscapes

[)O( Scarlet )O( 1,259]

@@Sterling Crimson,

 

Could you please kindly do a review on Night Song? when you have the chance to?

[Moonbacon 384]

i was going to put my oc moonlight in here but you will probably give her like a 2 because she's an alicorn yadayadayada (no offense)

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/ruby-inkheart-rose-r5263

 

@@Sterling Crimson, 

 

note: i am not a good writer.

also i made that art ;3 in paint tool sai

[Rainbow Eclipse 3,927]

Would you like to review my OC? Link is in signature.

Also, Pinkie Pie is best pony.

[Inactive01 5,299]

@MrPandaa

Troubled Soul

 

Appearance: She certainly has the looks of a troubled soul. You've even given her that facial expression. The dark colourations are also a good way to express what you intended for this OC, which is as your OC's name suggests: a troubled soul. That's the only shortcoming of your OC. Her name makes it too obvious what you're doing with it. You can still give the sense of her troubles, but you don't have to make it so obvious. It turns other players away if it gives the impression that their lives are really hopeless. Other than that, you have an OC at a good start.

Score: 8/10

 

Backstory: You've got an excessively sad story for your OC here. It's so sad that I don't think it's realistic. It's often one of the step for your OC to becoming a Mary Sue. Don't take that route in any roleplay whatsoever, because other rolepayers will quickly get very annoyed. What makes your backstory worse is that there isn't really a strong basis through which a massacre at her plantation was needed (or legitimized). What's in the plantation? Who raided the plantation and why? You wouldn't have to explain if it's in first person, but you're not in first person. You've got all the knowledge already, so you can show it to give more sense into the backstory. Just make sure that Troubled Soul isn't aware of the reasoning. I also see that you're linking her with Shadow Footsteps, your other OC, but did you give an explanation as to why he's involved with all this in either his or this profile? 

 

You've given way too much sadness into her story. I really do feel you should delve into her life before the massacre to highlight the fact that she did indeed have a happy life before the incident.

Score: 5/10

 

Personality: You've briefly mentioned the contrast between the past and the present, but is there a way you can add to her character? I really don't believe that all she would do for the rest of her life is fear about Turmoil. It's just very drastic. Surely there are other traits you would like to explore? Like her social life? Or... perhaps her hobbies? How about other ponies' takes on her sudden change in character?

Score: 5/10

@Pat.Rio.T.

SSMan

 

Appearance: Woah... a very... patriotic OC if I do say so myself xD. It's evident in both your username AND this OC! Furthermore, you've even placed the American flag as a background and made him a very blue pony. Nice coat and cowboy hat by the way. So yeah, appearance... certainly has no problems conveying a very patriotic and (possibly) obstinate pony. I wonder though... are those tattoos on his body? Well anyway, a good OC whose appearance matches his nature.

Score: 8/10

 

Backstory: Missionaries... that's a first. Which religion were they trying to spread? I'm assuming that of Princess Celestia and Luna correct? And what was this land he was born in? Talk about the land he was in too, from environment to culture. I'd also go a bit deeper concerning the escape mission. I bet people would find that really intriguing.

 

Ok, Ok, Ok... I have to stop the backstory at this point. I really like what I'm seeing from the backstory with River and the government officials, but Amareica... Umm... the land that's canonically occupying Modern America today is indeed Equestria... So I'd wonder where Amareica would actually be...

 

Otherwise, I skimmed through the whole backstory and I found it quite good actually. Lots of detail and I find it quite believable for somepony like him. However... you were right in saying that the backstory is quite cheesy... Nevertheless, I think that a lot of it would be alleviated if you changed the setting of "Amareica" to "Equestria". It would place him within the MLP:FiM universe, and it would also give him opportunities to fight evil in some sort of adventure in a particular roleplay. The backstory's good (I like what you did with River. Do you have a picture of her?), but a different setting would really help.

Score: 7.5/10

 

Personality:  You know, I read through the whole backstory... and I didn't envision an OC who didn't speak much. I thought he gave out a much braver appearance, kinda like Captain America or Superman. I think you should make him more outgoing while keeping the logical OC who can get quite obsessive. Otherwise, I like this section. Detailed and it gives a lot of ideas for other roleplayers to work with when they interact with SSMan. I like how you gave him a few quirks too, like the tendency to wear a trench coat.

Score: 8/10

Edited December 31, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[MrPandaa 204]

 

 

Her name makes it too obvious what you're doing with it. You can still give the sense of her troubles, but you don't have to make it so obvious. It turns other players away if it gives the impression that their lives are really hopeless.

Oh, okay...I didn't think about that.  I have been thinking about changing her name for a while now (I can't shorten "Troubled Soul" without it sounding stupid), and it makes sense that her name is too telling, so I think I'll change it shortly.

 

 

 

You've given way too much sadness into her story. I really do feel you should delve into her life before the massacre to highlight the fact that she did indeed have a happy life before the incident.

I was afraid that this might happen.  A lot of the problem stems from me separating her into two OC's, herself before the raid and after.  I think I'm going to combine the two of them, and I'll make sure to fix the problem of not explaining the raid's purpose.

 

 

 

You've briefly mentioned the contrast between the past and the present, but is there a way you can add to her character? I really don't believe that all she would do for the rest of her life is fear about Turmoil. It's just very drastic. Surely there are other traits you would like to explore? Like her social life? Or... perhaps her hobbies? How about other ponies' takes on her sudden change in character?

Again, I think that part of the problem is that I divided her into two OC's (a definite shortsightedness on my part), but you're right that I didn't delve into her hobbies or social life at all.

 

Thank you so much for reviewing her--I'm going to get to work on her real soon!

[Fanglore 140]

 

 

Based on that, I think you need to add a lot more detail in your backstory if you insist on staying the course, especially with the new country he formed and the time through which the land was begun. Otherwise, keep him a unicorn. Score: 4/10

 

thanks so much for the review   and i'm glade you like him. 

btw sorry about putting a lot in his back story but not enough detail. i'm actual working on a fanfic for him and that is where you will learn all about him and the country that he is from. so watch for that if your interested in learning more about Fallen Star   

[Inactive01 5,299]

Artsy Dreamscapes

 

Appearance: You weren't kidding when you said that you truly appreciated visual looks just as much as a backstory. She looks stunning. It's clear that she's a very artistic pony as her name suggests. Despite the fact you made her shorter and chubbier than most ponies (reminds me of my cwushie... :3), you've made her very beautiful and you've given her a lot of care. Despite her neurotic and anxious behaviour, you've kept her in a very good shape for a strong character.

Score: 10/10

 

Backstory: Despite the fact I've heard of the overly protective parent (see Orion Skies) story before, you've made it so that I didn't expect it. Good start there. You placed some nice details in her parents' attitude towards their daughter, like their disinterest in taking care of her and their disdain towards magic. 

 

Otherwise, I'm just stunned. Everything here is so believable. You've placed a beautiful mix of suspense, surprise, and character development for Artsy. I can see that despite her struggles and weaknesses, that you truly care for her and that you want the best for her. You've given her a very deep relationship story that sets the tone of her personality. Your character's backstory makes me want to associate my OCs with her. I don't have much else to say at this point because all I have are compliments.

Score: 9.5/10

 

Personality: I don't have much else to say here other than compliments as well. All of it has a basis from her story which I appreciate very much. It would be cool if you added some examples of her lack of social graces as a weaknesses. Otherwise, another very well written section.

Score: 9/10

Overall, your OC should be a role model in how people should create their characters.

[Pat.Rio.T. 305]

Well thank you for your review, I really appreciate it!

 

Just a few things...

 

Appearance: Woah... a very... patriotic OC if I do say so myself xD. It's evident in both your username AND this OC! Furthermore, you've even placed the American flag as a background and made him a very blue pony. Nice coat and cowboy hat by the way. So yeah, appearance... certainly has no problems conveying a very patriotic and (possibly) obstinate pony. I wonder though... are those tattoos on his body? Well anyway, a good OC whose appearance matches his nature.

Score: 8/10

 

OK ... absolutely NOT! (I hate tatoos) I thought that it was easy to tell just by the picture, but most of what you see, is his super(tech)-suit, which was mentioned in the backstory, and described in great detail in the Other section. (also described in the Appearance section)

 

This is what he looks like without it...

 

Backstory: Missionaries... that's a first. Which religion were they trying to spread? I'm assuming that of Princess Celestia and Luna correct? And what was this land he was born in? Talk about the land he was in too, from environment to culture. I'd also go a bit deeper concerning the escape mission. I bet people would find that really intriguing.

 

1. I just realized that I hadn't really given that much thought. Originally,(for the humanized version) it was the gospel, but I'm not sure what would work for the ponified version.

 

2. Now with this, I just thought that it was unimportant to the backstory, and thus, didn't describe it in great detail. However, I guess it also couldn't hurt.

 

 

Ok, Ok, Ok... I have to stop the backstory at this point. I really like what I'm seeing from the backstory with River and the government officials, but Amareica... Umm... the land that's canonically occupying Modern America today is indeed Equestria... So I'd wonder where Amareica would actually be...

 

Otherwise, I skimmed through the whole backstory and I found it quite good actually. Lots of detail and I find it quite believable for somepony like him. However... you were right in saying that the backstory is quite cheesy... Nevertheless, I think that a lot of it would be alleviated if you changed the setting of "Amareica" to "Equestria". It would place him within the MLP:FiM universe, and it would also give him opportunities to fight evil in some sort of adventure in a particular roleplay. The backstory's good (I like what you did with River. Do you have a picture of her?), but a different setting would really help.

Score: 7.5/10

 

 

1. Concerning this, I think I have a good explanation. You see originally, it was Equestria, and Patterson and River lived in Hoofington. But the problem was, patriotism means 'support for one's country', and if he lived in Equestria, then his cutie mark, his color scheme, and even his ailias would just make no sense. And no, I don't want to just change him, Because the character was inspired by my favorite hero, Captain America himself! So to change my OC that much, I would almost lose the point in having the character in the first place.

 

2. And yes. In fact she has an entire character profile.

 

Pat and River together.

 

 

[Inactive01 5,299]

@Night Song

 

Appearance: It's a cute OC with a generic colour palette. I can see why you chose blue though since it relates nicely with the night. He certainly doesn't look like the musical type (or maybe he just looked too generic) and I think you should find some way to make him look more musical. You mentioned concerts... why not make him look slightly more refined, while keeping in mind his willingness to associate with the lower classes? He's a cute looking OC, but I want a look that helps him become more... musically oriented like Octavia.

Score:7/10

 

Backstory: I won't mark this section because you need a lot more work here. You've started well by giving some background to his parents, but you need to find some way to get deeper into his own life now. He went to concerts and he developed his love of music... but there's all sorts of music that exists. I can see that you're trying to focus on classical music since his parents invited him to concerts... But what instruments did he love the most? Did he love composing or performing? What else did his parents do to enrich his love for music? Or was it all on his own? That question can be used to see whether you want your OC to be more independent and rebellious against his parents or to provide a loving relationship between them. I suggest the latter.

 

You can also go deeper with his friendships and relationships with other ponies. Was it hard for him to find other ponies who loved what he loved? Or was it easier? How about love interests? You can go deeper there too. Finally, give a detailed cutie mark story. It's gotta be special to the character though.

 

Personality: So you HAVE made him a hopeless romantic... That gives me even more motivation for your Night Song to have a failed love story of sorts in your backstory. It would certainly pave the basis for that trait. You can also find some way to note a situation where he acted rashly, which you signified as his biggest weakness.

 

A personality section however can also discuss his routines. Does he have one he follows? How much does he love his instruments? Does he treat them like a wife? A daughter? Does he love to play with his instruments and sound poetic whenever he plays them? Just some things I'm throwing at you.

[Moonbacon 384]

bump

 

why because i can and want.

[)O( Scarlet )O( 1,259]

@Night Song

 

Appearance: It's a cute OC with a generic colour palette. I can see why you chose blue though since it relates nicely with the night. He certainly doesn't look like the musical type (or maybe he just looked too generic) and I think you should find some way to make him look more musical. You mentioned concerts... why not make him look slightly more refined, while keeping in mind his willingness to associate with the lower classes? He's a cute looking OC, but I want a look that helps him become more... musically oriented like Octavia.

Score:7/10

 

Backstory: I won't mark this section because you need a lot more work here. You've started well by giving some background to his parents, but you need to find some way to get deeper into his own life now. He went to concerts and he developed his love of music... but there's all sorts of music that exists. I can see that you're trying to focus on classical music since his parents invited him to concerts... But what instruments did he love the most? Did he love composing or performing? What else did his parents do to enrich his love for music? Or was it all on his own? That question can be used to see whether you want your OC to be more independent and rebellious against his parents or to provide a loving relationship between them. I suggest the latter.

 

You can also go deeper with his friendships and relationships with other ponies. Was it hard for him to find other ponies who loved what he loved? Or was it easier? How about love interests? You can go deeper there too. Finally, give a detailed cutie mark story. It's gotta be special to the character though.

 

Personality: So you HAVE made him a hopeless romantic... That gives me even more motivation for your Night Song to have a failed love story of sorts in your backstory. It would certainly pave the basis for that trait. You can also find some way to note a situation where he acted rashly, which you signified as his biggest weakness.

 

A personality section however can also discuss his routines. Does he have one he follows? How much does he love his instruments? Does he treat them like a wife? A daughter? Does he love to play with his instruments and sound poetic whenever he plays them? Just some things I'm throwing at you.

 

I thank you for your honest opinion on him, he was pretty much a rush job when I wrote him up, and I am really bad writing these things up. With his look, how can you suggest I make him look better?

[Shadow Dub 0]

what about my oc i would like to know 

[Flight 11 89]

Ah, why not. Might as well get my typical 0.5/10

 

OC is...all...my sig... actually is

[Inactive01 5,299]

I thank you for your honest opinion on him, he was pretty much a rush job when I wrote him up, and I am really bad writing these things up. With his look, how can you suggest I make him look better?

Like I said, try making him look more musical. Give him an instrument to carry around, or give him a fresh tux. You could even give him a conductor's baton if you want him to be a conductor. You could even search classical musicians like Daniel Barenboim and Evgeny Kissin (or even Joshua Bell and Itzhak Perlmann) to get some ideas.

 

 

what about my oc i would like to know 

Is your OC Shadow Dub?

[)O( Scarlet )O( 1,259]

Like I said, try making him look more musical. Give him an instrument to carry around, or give him a fresh tux. You could even give him a conductor's baton if you want him to be a conductor. You could even search classical musicians like Daniel Barenboim and Evgeny Kissin (or even Joshua Bell and Itzhak Perlmann) to get some ideas.

 

 

Is your OC Shadow Dub?

 

Ok well it's only a hubworld pony creator version but I changed him around a little (i suck at art) and i also changed a bit of his personality and back story

[Inactive01 5,299]

Ok well it's only a hubworld pony creator version but I changed him around a little (i suck at art) and i also changed a bit of his personality and back story

You can get an artist to help you with the addition of his paraphernalia by the way .

[)O( Scarlet )O( 1,259]

You can get an artist to help you with the addition of his paraphernalia by the way .

getting a few artists to do that now actually

[Shadow Dub 0]

yes it is and my oc is in the profile pic

[Inactive01 5,299]

Crap... I can't open OC pages right now... I can't do any reviews at the moment.