[Open] Feedback for your OC for Roleplaying!

[Inactive01 5,299]

@Bronyette

It is FINALLY YOUR TURN. Enjoy this Review of Pixie Dust!

 

Appearance: A cute looking pony for starters. However, from the picture alone, I wasn't sure what I was to expect in terms of her character. I guessed that she way shy and that she had a heart of gold that not many ponies saw, but I honestly didn't expect a sprightly side from her. The point of a pony's appearance is to provide first impressions to the reader wanting to know what your character's all about. Despite the differences between expectations and reality, I still thought that she was a nice looking pony and that the characters you gave her were still very imaginable.

Score: 8.5/10

 

Backstory: Awww... this is SO CUTE! The way she acts towards mares and stallions reminds me of how my crush acts around people. I also like Pixie Dust as an OC name. It reflects her innocence while also conveying her mischievous side. Ok, personal feelings aside, I have a lot of questions for you.

• Why didn't she want to mess with her father with pranks? Did he hate pranks? Did he personally have negative feelings towards Pixie as a filly?
• Why did her father leave the rest of her family? Was it just an unhappy marriage, or did he run away with another pony? Were there troubling circumstances? If so, what were they?
• Were you mentioning Pixie's father's sister (thus her aunt)? If so, why?
  • You mention int he 4th paragraph that it is indeed Pixie's sister. I think you should clarify that.
• Which forest did Pixie run away to? Does she live there now or did she find some nicer place to live?
• It's also anticlimactic that she grows up as a normal filly after all that happened to her. Add some details about her after these events so that you can further mold Pixie as a character. 

Those are some of the questions I want you to consider when you work with your character. You have a good start, but you need to add some details and fix some errors. 

Score: 7/10

 

Personality: This section is pretty good considering the backstory that you provided. They link well with each other. I however will suggest that you add some details that will help make your character even more unique:

• Ever considered how much of a party person she is?
• How grumpy can she be if she doesn't get her daily sleep and food? It'll be good to see if she goes on some adventure that requires deprivation of those necessities.
• So her father did lead her to believe she was worthless... Add that to your backstory!
• Does she like flowers? Her mom works at a flower shop, so does it remind her of her mother in any way?

Just some things for you to add to make your OC shine.

Score: 7.5/10

[Hive King 2,001]

I enter http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/tenebris-r4777, my second go to guy

Edited November 20, 2013 by Evil Dragon Master

[Anneal 2,197]

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/blueprint-r4673

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/inkblot-r5020

 

I'll just place two of my recent OCs right here. 

 

Both are usually for casual or SoL RPs, hence they may have less...interesting lives. I prefer realistic backstories over crazy ones. 

 

BTW, Inkblot doesn't have a picture yet, so just go with the description.

[Inactive01 5,299]

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/blueprint-r4673

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/inkblot-r5020

 

I'll just place two of my recent OCs right here. 

 

Both are usually for casual or SoL RPs, hence they may have less...interesting lives. I prefer realistic backstories over crazy ones. 

 

BTW, Inkblot doesn't have a picture yet, so just go with the description.

I don't mind less interesting backstories so long as there is still coherence and thought into it. Also, I can only handle one OC at a time for a single user. Which one do you wish for me to review first?

[Anneal 2,197]

I don't mind less interesting backstories so long as there is still coherence and thought into it. Also, I can only handle one OC at a time for a single user. Which one do you wish for me to review first?

Inkblot. He's my newest OC to date, and also the first disordered one, which can be a bit difficult to exemplify accurately. 

 

Freudian psychology (psychoanalysis) is his forte, or cognitive psychology for his alternative psychology, if you don't know what type of believer he is. 

Edited November 20, 2013 by Cartophile

[Budding Night 1,043]

HELLO MY INTERNET BROTHA!!!

 

Would you mind doing little miss Evening Glory for me pwease? :3

 

Please be completely honest and as harsh as you like - just because she's Sterling's wuvie doesn't mean you have to go soft :3

 

Link to her page in my Signature!

Edited November 20, 2013 by Budding Night

[Inactive01 5,299]

@MrPandaa

Shadow Footsteps

 

Appearance: He certainly looks interesting for starters. I mean, he has that mysterious look about him, but at the same time, he looks somewhat vicious... Not so much like a dragon, but for a pony. You certainly made him taller than other ponies, which if that's what you intended, then that's cool. I also notice his lizard-like eyes. Also makes him stand out among others. So basically, he looks interesting.

Score: 8/10

 

Backstory: Your backstory itself is a mystery, which fits nicely into his mysterious nature. This is actually one of those backstories that should be kept a mystery for future RPs. Like I said, he has that mysterious look about him, so certainly some mystery here is legitimate. What I don't understand is what happened in the interaction between the innkeeper and him. 

• Was Autumn a typical mare? Picking either direction is really important for your OC's story. If she was normal, then we can say that it's possible that he never experienced love in his whole life. If on the other hand she was special, then we can have some sort of connection between him and her in a certain way...
• Also, how long did he stay with this Autumn? Discuss some aspects of their interactions here.
• I also read the Other section. Does that tie in with his backstory, or is it stemmed from a roleplay?

You've got some mystery here, the only time I would accept a less than clear backstory concerning his origins. Nevertheless, the key interaction with Autumn should be thought about more to really get the effect that you want.

Score: 7.5/10

 

Personality: This section's good for the most part. It ties well with his mysterious nature, so I wouldn't change much. However...

• Which select ponies does Shadow gives his jokes to? What types of jokes are they? Are they actually funny?

Other than that... there's something missing, but I can't put my finger on it... Gah...

Score: 8/10

[Bronyette 835]

@Bronyette

It is FINALLY YOUR TURN. Enjoy this Review of Pixie Dust!

 

Appearance: A cute looking pony for starters. However, from the picture alone, I wasn't sure what I was to expect in terms of her character. I guessed that she way shy and that she had a heart of gold that not many ponies saw, but I honestly didn't expect a sprightly side from her. The point of a pony's appearance is to provide first impressions to the reader wanting to know what your character's all about. Despite the differences between expectations and reality, I still thought that she was a nice looking pony and that the characters you gave her were still very imaginable.

Score: 8.5/10

 

Backstory: Awww... this is SO CUTE! The way she acts towards mares and stallions reminds me of how my crush acts around people. I also like Pixie Dust as an OC name. It reflects her innocence while also conveying her mischievous side. Ok, personal feelings aside, I have a lot of questions for you.

 

• Why didn't she want to mess with her father with pranks? Did he hate pranks? Did he personally have negative feelings towards Pixie as a filly?
• Why did her father leave the rest of her family? Was it just an unhappy marriage, or did he run away with another pony? Were there troubling circumstances? If so, what were they?
• Were you mentioning Pixie's father's sister (thus her aunt)? If so, why?
  • You mention int he 4th paragraph that it is indeed Pixie's sister. I think you should clarify that.
• Which forest did Pixie run away to? Does she live there now or did she find some nicer place to live?
• It's also anticlimactic that she grows up as a normal filly after all that happened to her. Add some details about her after these events so that you can further mold Pixie as a character. 

Those are some of the questions I want you to consider when you work with your character. You have a good start, but you need to add some details and fix some errors. 

Score: 7/10

 

Personality: This section is pretty good considering the backstory that you provided. They link well with each other. I however will suggest that you add some details that will help make your character even more unique:

• Ever considered how much of a party person she is?
• How grumpy can she be if she doesn't get her daily sleep and food? It'll be good to see if she goes on some adventure that requires deprivation of those necessities.
• So her father did lead her to believe she was worthless... Add that to your backstory!
• Does she like flowers? Her mom works at a flower shop, so does it remind her of her mother in any way?

Just some things for you to add to make your OC shine.

Score: 7.5/10

Awesome! Thanks for the feedback! It was really insightful. I'll try to clear up her backstory a bit without giving too much away. :3 She doesn't know all the facts because her mother never told her why her father left. I'll be sure to put that in and get back to you, if that'd be okay. The older siblings (which have character pages of their own) go into further detail, and they are much darker because of it.

[Inactive01 5,299]

Awesome! Thanks for the feedback! It was really insightful. I'll try to clear up her backstory a bit without giving too much away. :3 She doesn't know all the facts because her mother never told her why her father left. I'll be sure to put that in and get back to you, if that'd be okay. The older siblings (which have character pages of their own) go into further detail, and they are much darker because of it.

Sweet. If you want me to review your OC again, just send me a PM. 

 

Also, I'm closing up the thread for now. I'll have to get through these reviews first before I open up again. I'm still slow-ish because of school related tasks (papers). So I'm sorry if things do get slow.

[MrPandaa 204]

 

 

Your backstory itself is a mystery, which fits nicely into his mysterious nature. This is actually one of those backstories that should be kept a mystery for future RPs. Like I said, he has that mysterious look about him, so certainly some mystery here is legitimate.

Okay, that was one of the things that I wondered about (whether the intentionally vague backstory worked or not), and I'm glad to hear that it did!

 

 

 

What I don't understand is what happened in the interaction between the innkeeper and him. 

...

 

If she was normal, then we can say that it's possible that he never experienced love in his whole life. If on the other hand she was special, then we can have some sort of connection between him and her in a certain way...

At first, this confused me a bit, but I totally see what you're getting at now.  I had forgotten about some edits I made, namely "naked affection in his eyes," which is a dead giveaway that he loves/feels connected to her.

 

 

 

Nevertheless, the key interaction with Autumn should be thought about more to really get the effect that you want.

Yeah, I put some of that stuff on Autumn's page, and didn't think to put it on Shadow's, too.  I'm definitely going to change that.

 

 

 

Which select ponies does Shadow gives his jokes to? What types of jokes are they? Are they actually funny?

When I saw that that one line, "has a hidden sense of humor that he only shares with a few select ponies," was the one you focused on, I was really surprised at first, but then I realized that whether his jokes are funny or not, what type they are, and who he shares them with are actually really important parts of his character.

 

Thanks bunches, Sterling!  Looks like I've got work to do...you've set my gears turning again...

[Doc. Volt 2,561]

Thank you again for the re-review i'm waiting for all the things that needed to be fixed if you could put also the final vote please thank you again.. you're the best

[Inactive01 5,299]

@Miss Reaper

Ariel

 

Appearance: She certainly looks interesting. Has that mystical and mysterious look about her, exacerbated by her different coloured eyes. Why do they have fire like that? I like that feature though! Also gives her an evil look if that's what you intended. Being a unicorn also helps her reach her magical prowess, so that's nice too! Good start.

Score: 9/10

 

Backstory: Nice work integrating Ariel's appearance with her backstory by the way! So that's why she has different coloured eyes... (I won't spoil for others). It's also very original to say the least. A movement back to the past. I still have a few questions though:

• Where did the portal Galatea made come from? Is that from her side of the backstory? You could place a sentence or two that shows how she made the portal since the stories are linked together. 
• What does Nano look like? What type of creation is it? Or is that explained in Galatea's backstory?

Other than that, it's a very well thought out backstory that delves into the complex world of the future. Wait... speaking of that, in either of your backstories, does it ever mention how technology spread so quickly? It's a world that strays from FiM canon after all. If you haven't done so yet, then you should so that readers can better understand the world she's living in. Good work.

Score: 8/10

 

Personality: Very good. Stems well from the backstory. I don't have much else to add here. Anything to add about her magical abilities though? Does she see them as worthless even if she went back in time to Ponyville through the portal? Discuss her feelings about her magical powers and her cutie mark. Also, does the X remain on her cutie mark even as she goes back in time? Other than that, you've got a good section here.

Score: 8/10

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

Are ya still closed? 

 

Here's another OC of mine, which I just created today: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/golden-spike-r5052

[Inactive01 5,299]

 

I'll be open to accepting your review. I'll open up once I get through a few more of these reviews.

 

Tenebris

 

Appearance: Wow I am really beginning to see diverging traditions of roleplaying characters. This one really makes me ponder the ways this character can be incorporated into any roleplay. I can imagine this for a fan-fic, but I would need to be really original when it comes to roleplays. You should add on what Tenebris exactly is in the appearance section for clarity. Otherwise, I see this as very original, but leaving me unsure of its purpose.

Score: 8/10

 

Backstory: I have a lot of questions here.

• Is Tenebris a by-product of the mage's experiments? How was it imparted emotion? Why was it named Tenebris?
• Any background on the mage itself, other than him searching for the secrets of life and death? Where was he from and where did he experiment?
• Why was Tenebris scared of the mage? What did he do to cause such fear? 
• Which tavern and pub did it flee? Which town is the spirit in exactly?

The basics are there, but not more. You really need to delve deeper into this guy because it's extremely unique as an OC.

Score: 4/10

 

Personality: This section's ok considering how we're dealing with a smoke form more than anything else. But does he ever wonder about the lives of the mortals he sees? Does he ever wish he was one of them? You got some good stuff here, but developing his backstory will in turn provide ideas for your OC to grow as a character.

Score: 7/10

 

Overall, I like the idea, but my biggest issue's how you're going to integrate him into roleplays and fan-fics considering his fear of being noticed by ponies.

[Budding Night 1,043]

@@Sterling Crimson

 

Just want to say.. I've finally finished writing Evie's backstory!

 

I think it's quite good, if I do say so myself. I'm very proud of it, this would actually be one of my pieces that I'm most proud of :3

 

I hope you enjoy it

Edited November 22, 2013 by Budding Night

[zenofan1 11]

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/pastel-sketch-r5071

 

OOh please take a look at mine. I just made this and I (personally) don't think its that good, but I need a second opinion. please tell me what I need to improve on or what should be taken away ;w;

[Hive King 2,001]

Thanks for analyzing my last one, I'll bring Vokun to play now.

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/vokun-r4779

I am terrible at drawing which is why I used the pony creator, the other images were from friends

[Inactive01 5,299]

Inkblot

 

Appearance: A good description of the basic body features, but like I said, I wish for a picture, even if it's from Ponycreator. I don't care. I just want something for me to work with in terms of appearance so I can imagine the possible personalities and backstories and see whether it fits with what you intended. 

Score: Cannot be given without picture.

 

Backstory: Inkblot has a very interesting backstory. You were right when you wanted to tap into Freudian psychology. I find that to be very unique for an OC like this one. While I find this very interesting, I still have questions for you:

• You only mention the parents once in this whole backstory. You ever wanted to go deeper into their stories and reactions to what happened to Inkblot's sibling?
• Did he have many friends in his time? If so, were they supportive of his sibling's untimely demise?
• How was his university tenure?
• What were ponies around him noticing when it came to his personality disorder? What about his wife? Was she concerned? 

I find that much of the backstory is really good, but you gotta talk about other characters' reactions to his personality and the sibling. It'll give an extra oomph to it.

Score: 7.5/10

 

Personality: You wrote a crap ton here. I like the amount of detail you placed on his dimensions because of what happened to his sibling. Wait I don't understand though... I thought he wasn't aware of his second personality as you showed in the backstory until other people started noticing it, so why does he know it in the personality section? Is this after he was aware of it? If so, make that clearer. Otherwise, it's very detailed and clear.

Score: 9/10

@Budding Night

Evening Glory (aka Evie)

(I'm blue. My crush, Jaimie is purple)

 

Appearance: 

"Paul... what is this you're doing?"

"J-J-J-Jaimie! Oh! Umm... I'm... I'm reviewing... pony... characters! Yes! For... their fan-fictions... and roleplays! If you know what they are!"

"Umm... Paul... ok... Umm... so... who's this pony?" *gives Paul weird look*

"Well her name's Evening Glory! Umm... do YOU want to see her?"

"Umm... Sure I'll have a look!

*Jaimie has a look*

"Well Paul... I can see that she's very pretty for starters. She... she looks like one of those shy ponies... kinda like me in real life huh? I like how she has curly and smooth hair Paul. And that butterfly is so cute! She likes nature right? Oh, she's like me in many ways!"

*Paul chuckles*

-------------------

Well there you have it. What she said. Very cute looking and it fits her shy nature well.

Score: 9/10

 

Backstory: The. Longest. Backstory. Ever. And yet it's a perfect fan-fic. I mean, everything's there. The effort, the painting, the clarity. It's the most detailed backstory I've seen. And considering it's in the first point of view, that detail was needed to get the whole story working! Still, some questions, questions...

• Does Evie know why her parents were moving? Did they ever say, or they did they keep it all a secret? What did Evie think of her parents' explanation?
• I just feel that the murder of Evie's best friend Crystal came out of nowhere with little context. Like it doesn't really fit into the flow of the backstory. I'm wondering whether it's an unnecessary detail... if you want to keep it, provide some reason as to you wanting to keep it there, because Evie's already got a lot of nightmares to boot. Why add another one?
• Aww you added Sterling as canon?! :333333 Ok I'll stop. But still, those sorts of details should be kept within the roleplay, while you direct readers to it instead. Keep the marriage between Sterling and Evie canon, but don't explain so much of it that people are drawn away from the RP. You want to do it so that people can understand what happened, but entice them so that they want to read it!

Well, a very good backstory overall.

Score: 9/10

 

Personality: "Paul!"

"Jaimie!"

*Paul and Jaimie hug*

"Why are you here again?"

"I was wondering if you'd let me review this section? Please?!" *gives cutest smile Paul can imagine*

"How can I say no to that smile? Here!"

----------------

Well... I can see that Evening's very shy and friendly. It's nice from what Paul's told me about her backstory! It fits well what I was expecting from her story! I had no idea she was stubborn though... her obstinacy in finding her garden is something that could blend with her nature though. Paul... did you show me this just so that... Oh Paul!"

"What is it?!"

"Why is this pony similar to me in so many ways?! And why is she married to your character, Sterling?! Are you trying to..."

"Uhhh... bye now!"

"PAUL!!! COME BACK HERE!"

*Jaimie giggles and chases Paul who runs*

---------------

*Paul eventually comes back*

So basically, her personality fits really well with her backstory, but you can always talk about the effects of her drugs on her personality here.

Score: 8.5/10
 

[Budding Night 1,043]

 @@Sterling Crimson
 
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW  
 
Cutest review ever Paul!!! Thank you so much my bro! I'm so giddy and giggly now :33

 

Backstory: The. Longest. Backstory. Ever. And yet it's a perfect fan-fic. I mean, everything's there. The effort, the painting, the clarity. It's the most detailed backstory I've seen. And considering it's in the first point of view, that detail was needed to get the whole story working! Still, some questions, questions...

• Does Evie know why her parents were moving? Did they ever say, or they did they keep it all a secret? What did Evie think of her parents' explanation?
• I just feel that the murder of Evie's best friend Crystal came out of nowhere with little context. Like it doesn't really fit into the flow of the backstory. I'm wondering whether it's an unnecessary detail... if you want to keep it, provide some reason as to you wanting to keep it there, because Evie's already got a lot of nightmares to boot. Why add another one?
• Aww you added Sterling as canon?! :333333 Ok I'll stop. But still, those sorts of details should be kept within the roleplay, while you direct readers to it instead. Keep the marriage between Sterling and Evie canon, but don't explain so much of it that people are drawn away from the RP. You want to do it so that people can understand what happened, but entice them so that they want to read it!

Well, a very good backstory overall. Score: 9/10

 

 
Just quickies here.

• I tried to indicate in the story that it had always been anonymous to her, hence her stating 'I have always wondered, always been stumped to why they made that choice.'
• The part with Crystal was just a thing to show (yet another) reason why she's scared of loads and has an incredibly shy nature. Namely to say.. being in presences of killers made her slightly more.. 'messed up'.
• Of course I did :33 The reason I put it there because I felt most would be too lazy to read ALL of our 54 pages, and that in the RP I didn't really indicate lots of things I had wanted to, so I put them in her backstory.

 

So basically, her personality fits really well with her backstory, but you can always talk about the effects of her drugs on her personality here.

I was going to add this into the backstory somehow, but I thought it might just make the backstory a teeny bit too long. I guess putting it in her personality or 'Other' slipped my mind

 

---

 

Again, thanks so much Paul :33 I will make the appropriate changes right now!

 

*woosh*

Edited November 23, 2013 by Budding Night

[Doc. Volt 2,561]

hi, sorry to ask again, but my OC  is right now? or have i to add/modify/remove something? thank you

[Inactive01 5,299]

hi, sorry to ask again, but my OC  is right now? or have i to add/modify/remove something? thank you

You're talking about Doc. Volt right? If so, then I'll give you a PM of a review of your new backstory. I haven't gotten around to it because of all the work I have to do. Sorry about that.

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

@@Sterling Crimson,

 

Are you working on Golden Spike? Not to rush you or anything

[Inactive01 5,299]

@@Sterling Crimson,

 

Are you working on Golden Spike? Not to rush you or anything

What I do with these reviews is that I read them one at a time based on the queue I have. I think you're next, so I'll definitely get to you today.

Edited November 24, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

@@Sterling Crimson,

 

Great! I can't wait to see what you'll say about Golden Spike. I put sooo much time in creating him.  

[GameytheGeemer 147]

Well, this looks like fun

The picture is on his profile in the signiture, but to make it easier, this is what's happened since I actually started RPing

Appearance: Light Grey body, Dark Grey mane, orange eyes. He's also slightly bulkier than the average stallion. (Note that the attached image has an out of date cutie mark)

 

Backstory: Chain Mail, was born to a well to do family of unicorns, minor politicians and the like. But Chain Mail was always the black sheep in the mix. He was always hyper-active, played more violently then the other children, and quite frankly reminded them of a lower class ruffian from ponyville. And so, his parents were passive aggressive with their child, it always worked for them before, until one event changed his life forever.

At the academy, Chain Mail saw a filly being taunted by an older filly, namely one older than either him or the victim, and so he went over there and bucked her in the mouth. He was rewarded with being put in a hospital in 15 seconds. And with his cutie mark, Crossed swords. From then on, he trained to be a member of the military. Rising in rank rather rapidly for his tendency to put himself on the front lines and inspire others around him

 

Personality: Chain Mail comes off as an insensitive jerk almost all the time, as he doesn't factor in feelings into what he says or does and always jumps head first into violence. But, ponies that get to know him better realize that he's a sort of guardian. He doesn't jump into needless violence, but his definition of necessary is skewed by the fact that he has been taught that violence is the guiding force in the universe for so long that he sees violence as a first resort. He also is very serious, and doesn't allow any margin of error in either himself or his men, as he knows that that can and will result in someponies death.

 

Chain Mail is also rather racist against races like Changelings and other creatures that Equestria has been at war with do to the fact that that's military indoctrination 101, teach the soldier that you are fighting substandard life forms to remove any hindrances in their killing potential. When combined with his superiority complex that came with rising through the ranks so rapidly, he comes off as a severe ass, often dismissing help from other ponies with no explanation.