offering critique OC Review - Free Constructive Feedback

[Skygunner 352]

Very simple point to this topic.  I'm an unemployed historian (.........)  with a second in English,   and general artsyness.   Oh and basement dweller levels of MLP lore knowledge.  A vendor at MLP convetnions, selling fine pony arts.

 

What I'll do for you,  is read your OC profiles.  Their back stories, their histories, etc, etc.  If there's pictures I'll look at those too,  but thats it. -so don't post stories or RP logs- a simple link to their profile on the OC Archives is just fine. -hint hint-

 

Then, what I'll do is just....give you feedback.  NOT  opinions.  This is going to be neutral feedback, so you wont get things like "he sucks",  that's not constructive at all.   Be aware though I won't pull punches,  if something doesn't make sense, or contradicts,  I'll tell ya flat out,  So yes, you can send alicorns, I will not hate them for being what they are,  but I will point out if they aren't really justified as such. 

 

WHY?  - Well I browsed dozens of OC character archives and noticed a bunch that could really have used work.  What came out in the profile,  probably wasn't what the creator intended. This will give you some feedback to work with. 

 

 

As for pictures, again my own opinion of what I like will remain void. Just say it as its seen.   A quality check,  colours work?  Design works?  That's all,  so post away,   I got lots of time.

 

1 OC per post please,  if you don't want said review public just make a note and I'll PM it too you. 

 

FINAL DISCLAIMER - I'm not here to appreciate your characters, but I'm also not hear to hate on them. You'll hear good and bad alike (if they have such features).  Only post someone if you want a constructive review of them.   If you want some suggestions,  always feel free to ask.

 

If this gets popular...expect a bunch of improvements to the post,   maybe some OC art,  i dunno, we'll play it by ear.

 

This is the list.   I'm not doing these in order anymore, because some take quite a lot of thinking, and reading, and drinking.  Others,  come easy. So I'll pick and choose.   

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Anura

Autunm

Berry Cupcake

Caliber

Chainberlane

Comet Cloudbuster

Curly Swirl

Drakk Moonsine

Hocus Pocus

Ice Blizzard

Lit Fuse

Mr Re

Porcelain Rose

Prince Thunderflare

Rainbow Pastel

Righty Tighty

Scribblegroove

Selune Darkeye

Sergei

Snapshot

Snow Perch

Vanylla Sweetsu

 

 

 

Edited May 6, 2016 by Skygunner

[Master George Ideas 8]

Oh great i needed someone to rate my oc here's the link: http://mlpforums.com...rightborn-r6043

[XxConfusedUnicornxX 834]

I think this is a great idea! Here's my OC: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/lightning-blast-r5980

[Guardian Braveheart 23]

I always wanted to hear the voice of other people. The link of Guardian Braveheart is in the Signature. It's just a small backstory, planning to  full one in fimfiction this coming vacation. He has four friends, that's the only additional info that I'll give.

[Lightwing 12,978]

Mmm...it's an interesting idea...

Add me in

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/lightwing-r5670

[Skygunner 352]

  On 2014-03-16 at 11:11 AM, Master George Ideas said:

Oh great i needed someone to rate my oc here's the link: http://mlpforums.com...rightborn-r6043

 

OK! 

 

Though, before you continue to read,  this isn't a rating system.  So hopefully you weren't looking for a number or an overall "yay/nay" (neigh?)

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Oh kay.  So, the joys of going first.  You've done something here which I imagine I'll mention in a lot of posts, lucky for you I'll reference back here a lot, so soothing page views.  That's that you're telling me...rather than showing me about it.

 

"Show don't tell" is a sorta golden rule,  and one of the reasons why it's so important, is it allows me to understand your character a bit better.  In this case.  It's the backstory

 

everyday this pony shed tears over the dead ponies his assassin father would kill which included all the monks and scared kids every night his father would try and force him to kill helpless animals and other things and watch him killing ponies so that he would lose his sense for the death of ponies and help the assassin claim victory but he wouldn't move a inch calling his father a monster and setting traps to stop him from killing ponies but one night his father said he has to kill a pony or die so he decided to ran away every since he decided to heal ponies on the battlefield and at winter time and more

 

Lets forgo the jarring change in mood of his profile, that's just style and focus more on "Why"  If you want this to be his his backstory, that's fine.  But there needs to be more justification as to why, not just that it is.  Why is he so upset that his father kills other ponies. Why doesn't he want to kill other ponies.  Why did his dad let him live?  These are things that I can't answer with what's presented.

 

Telling - He is sad because his dad kills ponies

Showing - One day his best friend and best friends relatives were stamped into a pancake in front of him by his father

 

Difference.

 

 

Logically,  the character as is, has no reason to want to do the things you described.  He's clearly an assassins son,  at the volumes of death you're talking about,  I can't see how "good morals" ever really could have instilled themselves in BrightBorn's head.  Another thing that's a little difficult to get past is exactly why his father is so,  murder happy.  I know it's not his father profile, but without knowing why he's killing so many people, I really can't justify weather BrightBorn is in the right for disliking his father.   For all I know,  he is an assassin in service to a royal service, killing enemies of the pony state.  Maybe he' work for a private organization that distributes 100% pure liquid fun, and the party stores of the area are losing businessmen so they try to kill the owner,  then the dad is hired to whack all of them,

 

This is one of the issues with Ethics,   everyone has their own standard, in real life, ergo it should be established how I should feel in the description.

 

Other things,  "jarring tone shift"  Mentioned it earlier,  the character and the backstory are just...so different. Literally outta sunshine, taking care of kids, and then mounds of dead ponies.   I need to know why -there's that word again- 

 

I like the idea of him being able to cure the cold,   that's hilarious actually.

 

Not 100% following the logic of the name, or the cutie mark.  Though I do rather like the cutie mark, it seems very familiar don't know why.   Visually he looks fine,  Vest seems like a bit of an off choice for a battlefield medic,  but that can just be a limitation of the pony generator.     Overall if I had to sum it up here, Im sorta seeing two ponies.  One is this traumatized assassins ex-son  on the run from his father trying to do the right thing,  the other is the bubbly quirky battlefield medic who probably makes his patients feel very weird, but overall healthy. 

 

 

Edited March 16, 2014 by Skygunner

[Master George Ideas 8]

  On 2014-03-16 at 11:39 AM, Skygunner said:

OK! 

 

Though, before you continue to read,  this isn't a rating system.  So hopefully you weren't looking for a number or an overall "yay/nay" (neigh?)

 

 

Oh kay.  So, the joys of going first.  You've done something here which I imagine I'll mention in a lot of posts, lucky for you I'll reference back here a lot, so soothing page views.  That's that you're telling me...rather than showing me about it.

 

"Show don't tell" is a sorta golden rule,  and one of the reasons why it's so important, is it allows me to understand your character a bit better.  In this case.  It's the backstory

 

everyday this pony shed tears over the dead ponies his assassin father would kill which included all the monks and scared kids every night his father would try and force him to kill helpless animals and other things and watch him killing ponies so that he would lose his sense for the death of ponies and help the assassin claim victory but he wouldn't move a inch calling his father a monster and setting traps to stop him from killing ponies but one night his father said he has to kill a pony or die so he decided to ran away every since he decided to heal ponies on the battlefield and at winter time and more

 

Lets forgo the jarring change in mood of his profile, that's just style and focus more on "Why"  If you want this to be his his backstory, that's fine.  But there needs to be more justification as to why, not just that it is.  Why is he so upset that his father kills other ponies. Why doesn't he want to kill other ponies.  Why did his dad let him live?  These are things that I can't answer with what's presented.

 

Telling - He is sad because his dad kills ponies

Showing - One day his best friend and best friends relatives were stamped into a pancake in front of him by his father

 

Difference.

 

 

Logically,  the character as is, has no reason to want to do the things you described.  He's clearly an assassins son,  at the volumes of death you're talking about,  I can't see how "good morals" ever really could have instilled themselves in BrightBorn's head.  Another thing that's a little difficult to get past is exactly why his father is so,  murder happy.  I know it's not his father profile, but without knowing why he's killing so many people, I really can't justify weather BrightBorn is in the right for disliking his father.   For all I know,  he is an assassin in service to a royal service, killing enemies of the pony state.  Maybe he' work for a private organization that distributes 100% pure liquid fun, and the party stores of the area are losing businessmen so they try to kill the owner,  then the dad is hired to whack all of them,

 

This is one of the issues with Ethics,   everyone has their own standard, in real life, ergo it should be established how I should feel in the description.

 

Other things,  "jarring tone shift"  Mentioned it earlier,  the character and the backstory are just...so different. Literally outta sunshine, taking care of kids, and then mounds of dead ponies.   I need to know why -there's that word again- 

 

I like the idea of him being able to cure the cold,   that's hilarious actually.

 

Not 100% following the logic of the name, or the cutie mark.  Though I do rather like the cutie mark, it seems very familiar don't know why.   Visually he looks fine,  Vest seems like a bit of an off choice for a battlefield medic,  but that can just be a limitation of the pony generator.     Overall if I had to sum it up here, Im sorta seeing two ponies.  One is this traumatized assassins ex-son  on the run from his father trying to do the right thing,  the other is the bubbly quirky battlefield medic who probably makes his patients feel very weird, but overall healthy. 

okay i'm going to edit my oc and work on that backstory so it's more detail thank you for honesty 

  On 2014-03-16 at 11:39 AM, Skygunner said:

OK! 

 

Though, before you continue to read,  this isn't a rating system.  So hopefully you weren't looking for a number or an overall "yay/nay" (neigh?)

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Oh kay.  So, the joys of going first.  You've done something here which I imagine I'll mention in a lot of posts, lucky for you I'll reference back here a lot, so soothing page views.  That's that you're telling me...rather than showing me about it.

 

"Show don't tell" is a sorta golden rule,  and one of the reasons why it's so important, is it allows me to understand your character a bit better.  In this case.  It's the backstory

 

everyday this pony shed tears over the dead ponies his assassin father would kill which included all the monks and scared kids every night his father would try and force him to kill helpless animals and other things and watch him killing ponies so that he would lose his sense for the death of ponies and help the assassin claim victory but he wouldn't move a inch calling his father a monster and setting traps to stop him from killing ponies but one night his father said he has to kill a pony or die so he decided to ran away every since he decided to heal ponies on the battlefield and at winter time and more

 

Lets forgo the jarring change in mood of his profile, that's just style and focus more on "Why"  If you want this to be his his backstory, that's fine.  But there needs to be more justification as to why, not just that it is.  Why is he so upset that his father kills other ponies. Why doesn't he want to kill other ponies.  Why did his dad let him live?  These are things that I can't answer with what's presented.

 

Telling - He is sad because his dad kills ponies

Showing - One day his best friend and best friends relatives were stamped into a pancake in front of him by his father

 

Difference.

 

 

Logically,  the character as is, has no reason to want to do the things you described.  He's clearly an assassins son,  at the volumes of death you're talking about,  I can't see how "good morals" ever really could have instilled themselves in BrightBorn's head.  Another thing that's a little difficult to get past is exactly why his father is so,  murder happy.  I know it's not his father profile, but without knowing why he's killing so many people, I really can't justify weather BrightBorn is in the right for disliking his father.   For all I know,  he is an assassin in service to a royal service, killing enemies of the pony state.  Maybe he' work for a private organization that distributes 100% pure liquid fun, and the party stores of the area are losing businessmen so they try to kill the owner,  then the dad is hired to whack all of them,

 

This is one of the issues with Ethics,   everyone has their own standard, in real life, ergo it should be established how I should feel in the description.

 

Other things,  "jarring tone shift"  Mentioned it earlier,  the character and the backstory are just...so different. Literally outta sunshine, taking care of kids, and then mounds of dead ponies.   I need to know why -there's that word again- 

 

I like the idea of him being able to cure the cold,   that's hilarious actually.

 

Not 100% following the logic of the name, or the cutie mark.  Though I do rather like the cutie mark, it seems very familiar don't know why.   Visually he looks fine,  Vest seems like a bit of an off choice for a battlefield medic,  but that can just be a limitation of the pony generator.     Overall if I had to sum it up here, Im sorta seeing two ponies.  One is this traumatized assassins ex-son  on the run from his father trying to do the right thing,  the other is the bubbly quirky battlefield medic who probably makes his patients feel very weird, but overall healthy. 

 

 

hey i updated my oc backstory how is it now http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/brightborn-r6043

Edited March 16, 2014 by Master George Ideas

[Skygunner 352]

  On 2014-03-16 at 11:13 AM, XxConfusedUnicornxX said:

I think this is a great idea! Here's my OC: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/lightning-blast-r5980

 

 

And here you go

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Lightning Blast.

 

 

Lightninggggg Blast.

 

How shall I start this. Mix of a Pegasus,  and zebra.  End result, a Pegasus with some stripes.  You describe them as "Zebra striples" but the picture provided,  really doesn't look like zebra stripes.   BUT  Zecora, whom is 100% zebra, also doesn't have zebra stripes in the show,  So, right off, would just want a little more clarity on what he levels of striping is. 

 

She seems to be a victim of this....horrid cruel equestria that so many OC's are victim too.  CMC,  Babs,  they are bullied yes,  but I wouldn't say any of them are therapy levels.  For an OC, there just needs to be a bit of justification as to why.  It seems very unpony like for such aggressive bullying to happen.  Why is she bullied.

 

- Stripes 

-Funny wing thing (we'll come back to this later)

 

Ok.  This just leads to be question why she alone is so targeted.  Are those the two reasons?    That's very cruel,  which maybe is your goal,  kids can be cruel,  but the levels of sad that she gets from it,  makes it seem as though she has no friend what so ever to confide in,  and the teachers are off not paying attention.  For it to reach such a critial point where she....demolishes a portion of the school....that's some massively unchecked stuff.

 

It's just a believability issue is all. 

 

The wing thing.  I don't get it.  

 

"rare wing disorder making her wings flap differently"

 

You have to explain that.  Wings really only flap one way. We've seen ponies in the show sometimes use their wings more like a hummingbird,  some have more graceful strokes, but they all still fly, but it's still a flapping motion.  I assume she's conscience of how she fly's because of said flapping disorder.   In the next paragraph,  you said she can't fly.   That's a contradiction, she either can,  or she can't. 

 

"conscious about how she flies"

"without the ability to fly"

 

That seems like far more of a reason for young ponies to make fun of her as well.   "Oh a Pegasus who can't fly,  hrmm how did you even get to school today, your mommie carry you?"   Though , if she is a resident of cloudsdale, how does her zebra parent live there as well?  

 

All that said, it is a very neat cutie mark,  That is, simple and pony like -it would fit in with cannon- The ability to create storms is a great thing,  perhaps I'd want to now a little more about what specific type and how much she can control them.   If she summoned tornados every time someone angers her,   that would be grounds for a lot of negative feelings and make ponies really odd around her.  

 

Visually,  apart from just the stripe type,  she's great. again,  it is almost cannon in terms of design.  It's good.

 

That's about all - sorry, no snappy ending- 

 

 

Edited March 16, 2014 by Skygunner

[ninjamon102938 222]

I'd love a critique on mine, he's in my signature if your interested.

[XxConfusedUnicornxX 834]

  On 2014-03-16 at 12:39 PM, Skygunner said:

And here you go

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Lightning Blast.

 

 

Lightninggggg Blast.

 

How shall I start this. Mix of a Pegasus,  and zebra.  End result, a Pegasus with some stripes.  You describe them as "Zebra striples" but the picture provided,  really doesn't look like zebra stripes.   BUT  Zecora, whom is 100% zebra, also doesn't have zebra stripes in the show,  So, right off, would just want a little more clarity on what he levels of striping is. 

 

She seems to be a victim of this....horrid cruel equestria that so many OC's are victim too.  CMC,  Babs,  they are bullied yes,  but I wouldn't say any of them are therapy levels.  For an OC, there just needs to be a bit of justification as to why.  It seems very unpony like for such aggressive bullying to happen.  Why is she bullied.

 

- Stripes 

-Funny wing thing (we'll come back to this later)

 

Ok.  This just leads to be question why she alone is so targeted.  Are those the two reasons?    That's very cruel,  which maybe is your goal,  kids can be cruel,  but the levels of sad that she gets from it,  makes it seem as though she has no friend what so ever to confide in,  and the teachers are off not paying attention.  For it to reach such a critial point where she....demolishes a portion of the school....that's some massively unchecked stuff.

 

It's just a believability issue is all. 

 

The wing thing.  I don't get it.  

 

"rare wing disorder making her wings flap differently"

 

You have to explain that.  Wings really only flap one way. We've seen ponies in the show sometimes use their wings more like a hummingbird,  some have more graceful strokes, but they all still fly, but it's still a flapping motion.  I assume she's conscience of how she fly's because of said flapping disorder.   In the next paragraph,  you said she can't fly.   That's a contradiction, she either can,  or she can't. 

 

"conscious about how she flies"

"without the ability to fly"

 

That seems like far more of a reason for young ponies to make fun of her as well.   "Oh a Pegasus who can't fly,  hrmm how did you even get to school today, your mommie carry you?"   Though , if she is a resident of cloudsdale, how does her zebra parent live there as well?  

 

All that said, it is a very neat cutie mark,  That is, simple and pony like -it would fit in with cannon- The ability to create storms is a great thing,  perhaps I'd want to now a little more about what specific type and how much she can control them.   If she summoned tornados every time someone angers her,   that would be grounds for a lot of negative feelings and make ponies really odd around her.  

 

Visually,  apart from just the stripe type,  she's great. again,  it is almost cannon in terms of design.  It's good.

 

That's about all - sorry, no snappy ending- 

 

 

Okay thanks! I'll edit my OC now! ^^

[Doc. Volt 2,561]

if you have time, can you review my oc?

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/doctor-electron-volt-r4961

 

on it there is a link for another oc of a friend (nighstrike) if it is possible to have a review of it too since i have helped him writing it and we both like to improve

[Skygunner 352]

  On 2014-03-16 at 11:31 AM, Guardian Braveheart said:

I always wanted to hear the voice of other people. The link of Guardian Braveheart is in the Signature. It's just a small backstory, planning to  full one in fimfiction this coming vacation. He has four friends, that's the only additional info that I'll give.

 

Thank you and here you go sir...hopefully it's a little helpful?

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Right, so.  Some things immedeiatly stood out.

 

He looks sad.  Like,  bruised and battered puppy dog sad.   Given his colours and the hair,  visually, I would expect him to live in the 1980's are part of a progressive pop band.   I digress.

 

This is another case of telling, rather than showing.  -i'm gonna add a section to the main part for reference- but,  basically there needs to be a "Why" rather than "just because"  In this case...what was the incident that made him shy.  There really isn't much to go on, he seemed..normal...then "something" happened, now he's not.

 

Telling -  After a sudden outburst from his parents, he became shy

Showing - One night his father came home in a drunken stupor after watching Pulp Fiction,  he then proceeded to Samuel L Jackson his son when he said "What".

 

That doesn't have to be what happened, I'm a terrible pony.    The same "told not shown" logic applies to this spell.  It's a neat concept,  the idea of a wall flower type actually disappearing when he was put in an uncomfortable situation.  It's neat.

 

What happened with the filly.  Whos the filly, a lot of description that can be exp landed upon. Again,  a lot of this just needs to be fleshed out, he's a very shallow character that I simply don't know much about, because there's not much there to read.  I think this is a case where what's in your head, didn't make it to the page. 

 

You can probably explain all about the incident with the filly,  and why the magic spell got linked "somehow"  So again,  flesh out the details.

 

 

He's very reminiscent of flutteryshy.  She is shy, and she has this loyalty thing going on to a degree, basically when push comes to shove over her friends. From what you said he seems more intense about it, in both shyness, and loyalty points.   Then there's a whole night thing,  It's in his cutiemark, this star, but it doesn't seem to be a major player in his life.  He likes the night?  It's a lot going on, Shy, loyal, nighttime,  but nighttime isn't explained. But it's there on his cutiemark so it has to be a defining part of him/his ability.

 

That's an area you can maybe explore.  Justify his cutiemark a little bit more, but in its current state, it's not a 100% reflective cutie mark of the pony.

 

Same goes for luna, this seems like a pretty big deal, but it's handled so casually.  It's another into the stack of things that are going on with this guy, but needs a bit of explanation.  Overall he actually seems pretty decent, there's a story here, and a lot of it is important for developing who he is.  

 

I'm not saying go back and add it all,  as long as it's in your brain meats, then you're good.  He's too be used in RP's I'm sure, but from an outside looking in, there's just not much I know about this character, there's really not much more I can say.

 

Also final word. He's shy...names Braveheart.  not sure if ironic for funny or not.  But that's just another example of how fleshing out his story a bit could set up his character development, namely how he got his name.

 

 

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

Could you review my latest OC Force Shock? http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/force-shock-r5503

[The Elusive Cinder 1,328]

I'd love to see the opinions of someone on my characters as they are written: most folks I discuss them with have some kind of extra knowledge of them from roleplaying.

 

If you find time, it would be great to have an outside view on Wish:

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/wish-scribe-adult-r5928

 

No worries if your snowed under though! I can see you've got a lot of requests.

[aoEAF2FBvC0MIo2Q 3,673]

Hm, I have the picture for my OC but the backstory is still a work in progress so I haven't got a post in that thread in the RP section but go ahead and treat it like a finished product anyway. 

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Appearance:

 

 

Yes, he's a donkey.

 

His name is SunBurn and he comes from an island far from Equestria's shores. He was born as one of two twins -- his sister being female and named Erythema. His family was a modest one, but it still carried an unsettling air around it as there were families much poorer and families much richer. It was a society deeply divided.

 

In his school years, he got picked on. Fortunately his parents were open and comforting to him. His mother provided consoling and his father provided advice and interpretation. That prompted him to think about ways of making the best out of the realities of his environments. As time passed, the concept of "adaptation" became clearer to him. He learned certain skills such as observation and hiding to some degree. He also made friends with problems at least somewhat similar to his own. He realized how much safer he felt in a group rather than on his own. Each of his friends, especially the friendships that would last, had a story to tell, he would listen and later on reflect on points that caught his interest, especially those that rang with observations he's made before.

 

In his mid teens, society collapsed. Leading up to the collapse, violence was getting progressively worse. One day he went along with his father's visit to his father's friends to discuss the state of affairs. His mother and sister stayed home. When they returned home, they saw rogues enter the house. SunBurn's father instructed him to hide and so he did. The wait was long but at some point, he started to hear his father's call and came out of hiding. Both his father and his sister were covered in blood and also saw his father holding a bloodied dagger. Erythema looked shocked and could not speak. Later he saw the three corpses, one of them being their mother. After the funeral and burial, they all moved out. His father took them to his friends and talked them into living in a single village so that they could better defend one another.

 

The society had become divided into different clans warring for territory and advantage. Some clans survived, others were either slaughtered or collapsed in on themselves due to poor leadership. The one SunBurn was in became known as the Dust Cloud Clan. The clan has been very stable and functional under the leadership of Nohd. It is made up almost exclusively out of donkeys. By this time, the clan had settled in the more arid regions of the island where territorial skirmishes were rare. Donkeys are better suited to live in arid terrain where not much could be grown so they could simply move out of the more arable terrain where the skirmishes were most frequent and brutal.

 

It was clear to everyone that they still needed to be able to defend their clan and SunBurn opted to play a role in this somehow. This is where he really developed his skills in hiding, stealth and observation. Because of this, his role were more along the lines of scouting, intelligence and occasionally sabotage and kidnap. His adequate skill in archery makes him a good support combatant to have. He does always carry a knife with him for close-quarter combat. Though his main weapon is the element of surprise. His father ultimately died of natural causes.

 

One day the leader has decided to build a ship and have a team explore for other places they might be able settle and hopefully live in peace after the years. SunBurn and Erythema, now 25 years old, were one of the ones assigned to be part of the crew among others. Unfortunately they got shipwrecked when the ship got caught in a storm and he washed up on Equestria's shores -- alone. Once he saw that the ponies of nearby towns posed no danger to him, he took the time to approach some townsfolk and asked for a place to stay in exchange for doing housework. During his stay in the town, he also found employment to save up and buy the necessary supplies to continue his travels. In one of the other towns, he's heard one of the ponies say something about a scruffy-looking donkey mare whose colors matched his own and he knew that has to be his twin sister Erythema. With newfound courage, he is determined to find all the other equines who may have also washed up on Equestria's shores with him, hopeful that they too have survived.

 

Edited May 16, 2014 by SunBurn

[Motionne Flow 6]

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/motionne-flow-r5943

 

Personally though. I think my character needs a lot more work.

So because I think that, go ham wild with whatever you say because I don't mind. 

[Skygunner 352]

  On 2014-03-16 at 11:39 AM, Lightwing said:

Mmm...it's an interesting idea...

Add me in

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/lightwing-r5670

 

 

Alright then,  Lightwing

 

 

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Lets start with the obvious.  Good colours,  simple cutie mark, overall a clean looking design.   That being said I am not quite following the logic of her cutie mark.   Sparkles and Stars,  sounds like a celestial kinda thing,  not  being able to get a good read on someone.  

 

"Eyes are the window to one soul"

Magnifying glass

crystal ball

 

those sorta things are what immediately shoot into mind at the mention of such a -powerful- ability.   More later.    You say she's childish and good nature,  but then in the next line  "you will probably not going to meet the next day with life..."

 

so she kills ponies.  From the rest of her character,  this sorta peace loving,  conflict avoiding, silver tongue, soul searching mare,  whom also kills people who cross her.   It hardly seems fitting of the type of pony she is.  Literally,   she is the best diplomat spreading peace everywhere she goes,    so logically,  she should be able to talk down any situation she gets in,  rather than killing them.

 

Vindictive,   unable to find a stallion,   Kills ponies that cross her....it's just a lot of stuff I wouldn't really associate with a globetrotting royal diplomat.   Ever see Lethal Weapon 2?  

 

 

Literally all that is running though my head because of all these traits she has mixed in with her wonderful diplomacy.   Which leads me to the whole - true intentions-  This, needs some explaining.  Is it an always turned on thing?  Constantly being barraged by the true intent of ponies, earthworms, and applies.  Or does she have to think about it, or....what exactly.  Again a little bit of explanation of such a key feature about her would be nice.   Can she communicate with fruit?  It is a living thing after all.

 

 

things to consider.

 

 

 

[Guardian Braveheart 23]

  On 2014-03-16 at 2:25 PM, Skygunner said:

Thank you and here you go sir...hopefully it's a little helpful?

 

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Right, so.  Some things immedeiatly stood out.

 

He looks sad.  Like,  bruised and battered puppy dog sad.   Given his colours and the hair,  visually, I would expect him to live in the 1980's are part of a progressive pop band.   I digress.

 

This is another case of telling, rather than showing.  -i'm gonna add a section to the main part for reference- but,  basically there needs to be a "Why" rather than "just because"  In this case...what was the incident that made him shy.  There really isn't much to go on, he seemed..normal...then "something" happened, now he's not.

 

Telling -  After a sudden outburst from his parents, he became shy

Showing - One night his father came home in a drunken stupor after watching Pulp Fiction,  he then proceeded to Samuel L Jackson his son when he said "What".

 

That doesn't have to be what happened, I'm a terrible pony.    The same "told not shown" logic applies to this spell.  It's a neat concept,  the idea of a wall flower type actually disappearing when he was put in an uncomfortable situation.  It's neat.

 

What happened with the filly.  Whos the filly, a lot of description that can be exp landed upon. Again,  a lot of this just needs to be fleshed out, he's a very shallow character that I simply don't know much about, because there's not much there to read.  I think this is a case where what's in your head, didn't make it to the page. 

 

You can probably explain all about the incident with the filly,  and why the magic spell got linked "somehow"  So again,  flesh out the details.

 

 

He's very reminiscent of flutteryshy.  She is shy, and she has this loyalty thing going on to a degree, basically when push comes to shove over her friends. From what you said he seems more intense about it, in both shyness, and loyalty points.   Then there's a whole night thing,  It's in his cutiemark, this star, but it doesn't seem to be a major player in his life.  He likes the night?  It's a lot going on, Shy, loyal, nighttime,  but nighttime isn't explained. But it's there on his cutiemark so it has to be a defining part of him/his ability.

 

That's an area you can maybe explore.  Justify his cutiemark a little bit more, but in its current state, it's not a 100% reflective cutie mark of the pony.

 

Same goes for luna, this seems like a pretty big deal, but it's handled so casually.  It's another into the stack of things that are going on with this guy, but needs a bit of explanation.  Overall he actually seems pretty decent, there's a story here, and a lot of it is important for developing who he is.  

 

I'm not saying go back and add it all,  as long as it's in your brain meats, then you're good.  He's too be used in RP's I'm sure, but from an outside looking in, there's just not much I know about this character, there's really not much more I can say.

 

Also final word. He's shy...names Braveheart.  not sure if ironic for funny or not.  But that's just another example of how fleshing out his story a bit could set up his character development, namely how he got his name.

 

 

That's not a problem at all. Actually, big problem since I have a lot of writing projects and... Long story short, I have a notebook of his whole bio written out with full character. Also the filly was Sweet Flight, also in the Signature below. You can check her out as well if you want two. A part of their back story is connected. But, if I ever finish the Story, I'll link it to you for a final result.

[Skygunner 352]

  On 2014-03-16 at 1:14 PM, ninjamon102938 said:

I'd love a critique on mine, he's in my signature if your interested.

 

Right Right, here you go.

 

 

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An average middle class pony

 

 

who has a  father that is a CEO and mother that is a famous actress?

 

And only middle class?     I am middle class. Mom was a assistant teacher, and dad was a factory worker.    Office jobs and service industry are the lower to middle class,  your pony,   either is better off than your give him credit, or has really, really cheap parents. 

 

I suppose...the biggest issue with all this is stems from him not playing video games.  That's quite a stretch.  The almost ironic part being the once he moves, meets twilight and everyone,  he still isn't playing video games.    But per the backstory,  he's so depressed that he cant play these games that there's a Royal Intervention.

 

But, at the same time,   how bad are his parents.  They clearly are around enough to enforce no games,  and worry about their son.  But at the same time,   do nothing to help him when he's miserable?   They do nothing other than ground him to the point where he is "the most miserable pony alive"  They are wealthy, it's entierly possible for the jobs to consume their time,  but then how are they enforcing a lock down on their son....

 

If this is his final story,  that's fine.  It's not a bad story,  it just sorta escalates quickly.  He gets by without his teachers, or parents noticing how sad he is...it's a bit odd.

 

Design wise, he's fine.  Cutie mark does make sense,  there's really not much to touch there.  There's one last thing I wanna point out,  and that's when you compare him to Kefka.  It's one thing to use your analogy....but to any serious Final Fantasy player - hi, that's me-  putting him a notch above Kefka,  needs something backing it up.    Can't take that one as is,

 

That's all though,  sorry I really didn't have much to say,  again,   you have a rational story that makes sense per your interpretation of the cannon, just needs a bit more.

 

 

[ninjamon102938 222]

  On 2014-03-17 at 9:28 AM, Skygunner said:

Right Right, here you go.

 

 

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An average middle class pony

 

 

who has a  father that is a CEO and mother that is a famous actress?

 

And only middle class?     I am middle class. Mom was a assistant teacher, and dad was a factory worker.    Office jobs and service industry are the lower to middle class,  your pony,   either is better off than your give him credit, or has really, really cheap parents. 

 

I suppose...the biggest issue with all this is stems from him not playing video games.  That's quite a stretch.  The almost ironic part being the once he moves, meets twilight and everyone,  he still isn't playing video games.    But per the backstory,  he's so depressed that he cant play these games that there's a Royal Intervention.

 

But, at the same time,   how bad are his parents.  They clearly are around enough to enforce no games,  and worry about their son.  But at the same time,   do nothing to help him when he's miserable?   They do nothing other than ground him to the point where he is "the most miserable pony alive"  They are wealthy, it's entierly possible for the jobs to consume their time,  but then how are they enforcing a lock down on their son....

 

If this is his final story,  that's fine.  It's not a bad story,  it just sorta escalates quickly.  He gets by without his teachers, or parents noticing how sad he is...it's a bit odd.

 

Design wise, he's fine.  Cutie mark does make sense,  there's really not much to touch there.  There's one last thing I wanna point out,  and that's when you compare him to Kefka.  It's one thing to use your analogy....but to any serious Final Fantasy player - hi, that's me-  putting him a notch above Kefka,  needs something backing it up.    Can't take that one as is,

 

That's all though,  sorry I really didn't have much to say,  again,   you have a rational story that makes sense per your interpretation of the cannon, just needs a bit more.

 

 

Thank you for the critique

[kawaiipony 84]

Hi, I'm not a very good writer and barely an artist. I started drawing less than a month ago so my art isn't that great yet. I don't really like to go into too much detail because I like the idea of my OCs being a growing thing. I want my drawings to "be" the story and therefore directly influence my character's personalities and traits. I imagine them pretty much like a blank piece of paper that is waiting to be filled. 

 

However, I need a little bit of help on her back story. Not exactly sure what it is, but it seems a little cheesy and off. Also I feel like it messes with the continuity and the lore of the show a bit too (although the show itself is terrible at that as well lol). I'm also concerned how genetics actually work in the MLP world. Is it possible to have offspring of all three types of ponies? What about the technology in Equestria? 

 

I would greatly appreciate your insight about all of this. Feel free to critique my design as well. I had a really hard time choosing the right colors and I'm still not sure if I will ultimately stick with  what I decided on. Thank you in advance. 

 

 

http://kawaiipony2.deviantart.com/art/Welcome-Ion-Spark-438744137

[Scribblegroove 565]

Looks like you might need some help with all these people requesting to rate their OC's. More people should do this, it really helps others get better at makig OC's and writing in general. If you need someone to help you with all this, I might be able to take some of your hands. It seems fun! If you want to keep doing it by yourself I understand that as well :3

[Skygunner 352]

  On 2014-03-16 at 1:44 PM, Doc. Volt said:

if you have time, can you review my oc?

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/doctor-electron-volt-r4961

 

on it there is a link for another oc of a friend (nighstrike) if it is possible to have a review of it too since i have helped him writing it and we both like to improve

 

Well...that was interesting.

 

 

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So this was actually very hard to review and give feedback on,.  The idea of this entire topic was to pick apart some of the more illogical parts,  plot holes, etc.

 

With volt, i've had to give it multiple days of thinking on how to exactly place it.  So,   the biggest thing i'm seeing.  This is its own story,   literally it's a story.  That's not a bad thing,   but it's very anti-cannon.   That is to say, in its own little world with its own little things,  it stands.  However, in MLP universe, it starts to need a little bit of back story, for the story -not for the character-

 

and that's the issue.    The character itself is actually relatively fleshed out. He does seem like he got taken for a bit of a ride,  maybe should have thought for himself a bit.  But the point is, to explain all this about the character, you now have this massive...pony killing, generic experiment stuff that needs its own explanation...that isn't provided.

 

I can't even offer suggestions here,  because this is clearly a working universe in your own head.   And it's not that I don't understand Volt either,  I do -in fact he's probably one of the better OC's i've ever come across on this site,  dare said II'd want to RP with him-

 

So that's the general  "SO ya know" .

 

With volt himself a few things.   You say he's smart and calculating,  but as stated earlier,  he really seems to get taken for a ride, and put into a situation that he would otherwise want no part of.  The end result is all the plot and character development,  bi-polar, enjoying pony killing, cyborg,

 

This makes him seems sorta....dumb.  To get caught up in such a thing and not be able to figure a way out.   I assume he wwanted to get out that,  because if he didn't then his character would be more of the bipolar self , than his regular self.  It doesn't seem like he even tried.

 

The changing thing starts getting a little lost...but again,  that's this "story" part,  and not the OC part.  By now he is at least rationally thinking, has his own little morals and stuff.   And then threes a vampire. what.  Its a whole another story,  but just is tacked on.

 

 I knock others for Telling,  rather than showing your character,   and I'm amazed as this is gone full circle,   show so much that it needs to tell me more.    Again,  sorry this isn't the most constructive....as per character,   just the minor issues of "Why" he got into all this to begin with.  

 

Other than that...I really got nothing.

 

sorry

 

 

[Doc. Volt 2,561]

@@Skygunner,

 

well first, thank you for the time!

 

for the rest, i got all of the story constructed with my favourite roleplays i have been, from the lab to the becoming a cyborg to returning normal, and stuff, all with my closest friend, maybe i should take the time to write down all the full story, but i am afraid it will be so long that will turn into a fanfic...

 

anyway thank you again! maybe i will start writing who knows?

 

oh and for the charachter, proably he is a bit dumb, since yeah he is all smart calculating and stuff, but he can be easily get transported away, he didn't escape from the lab at first becasue not only tecnical difficulties, but also for the other himself that prevented him to do so

[Skygunner 352]

  On 2014-03-19 at 9:49 AM, Doc. Volt said:

@@Skygunner,

 

well first, thank you for the time!

 

for the rest, i got all of the story constructed with my favourite roleplays i have been, from the lab to the becoming a cyborg to returning normal, and stuff, all with my closest friend, maybe i should take the time to write down all the full story, but i am afraid it will be so long that will turn into a fanfic...

 

anyway thank you again! maybe i will start writing who knows?

 

oh and for the charachter, proably he is a bit dumb, since yeah he is all smart calculating and stuff, but he can be easily get transported away, he didn't escape from the lab at first becasue not only tecnical difficulties, but also for the other himself that prevented him to do so

Kinda what I figured.  This is all excellently in your head,  and it all works.  But,  the issue is,  from an "explaining his character"  point  of view,   (which is what a profile is) some of that information needs to make its way to the profile,  else wise the reader has to just assume.    IE - I assume he wasn't the brightest pony shaped bulb in the pony lightbulb box...turns out that isn't right.