offering critique OC Review - Free Constructive Feedback

[Fanglore 141]

  On 2014-06-12 at 5:48 PM, Skygunner said:

Are you sure you love hearing what people have to say? Not everyone is nice....

 

Thank you for bringing up this points. It has told me that I'm gonna have to go back a rewrite a lot of the summery of his story. because i know the full thing i didn't realize how confusing some of the smaller details could be.

 

  so thank you for your review

 

 

    btw  i did enjoy reading the review and that beginning was actually funny to imagine myself doing so thank you vary much  /)*(\

 

Oh sorry i also forgot to add I'm writing a fanfic about him so i cant put to much detail in the summery without giving stuff away.

Edited June 12, 2014 by Fanglore

[N.W. 3,619]

Meh, why not? I still need to update him and this could provide some insight.

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/sergei-r5625

[Dattebayo 2,850]

Me, pls

 

Don't worry...Righty Tighty was made specifically to be a common, average, day-to-day pony, the type you would have lunch right next to and probably not even notice.

That was important for her role in my comic.

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/righty-tighty-r6169#

[Marciblook 612]

Well, have at him I guess, and I know he's a little clichè but, whatever

[Skygunner 352]

Hi guys, just wanted to apologize. I have a summer job in the middle of the woods, with no access to internet.. (boy scout camp) and will be off for 2 months.<br /><br />Really sorry I haven't got to your reviews yet....But they will be done. OH YES...they will. Sorry!

[Cassafrass 249]

  On 2014-06-17 at 5:36 PM, Skygunner said:

Hi guys, just wanted to apologize. I have a summer job in the middle of the woods, with no access to internet.. (boy scout camp) and will be off for 2 months.<br /><br />Really sorry I haven't got to your reviews yet....But they will be done. OH YES...they will. Sorry!

No worries! Have fun at your camp!

[Lord Bradley 1,319]

Hmm, Interesting idea... Count me in, i guess. i needed some feedback on my OC anyways.

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/drakk-moonshine-r6285

Edited June 22, 2014 by Bradley-MysteryLord

[MisterRe 21]

Hey, could you review my Oc? http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/mr-re-r4239

[IridscentNionios 1,420]

Are you still here? Did you look at any of my OCs? I know for sure that Mastema is a new one and has some problems but yea...

[Skygunner 352]

  On 2014-10-24 at 8:43 PM, IridscentNionios said:

Are you still here? Did you look at any of my OCs? I know for sure that Mastema is a new one and has some problems but yea...

I am still around yes.  As you can see haven't really touched these.

 

They take a considerably long about of time and I want to try and make this into something more than just reviews.   If you'd like...see this topic.  Those reviews will take precedent,  suggesting the profile is something to work with.

 

http://mlpforums.com/topic/111957-free-art-need-ocs-for-critical-review-and-bingo/#entry3153972

 

If not, i'll get around to them -sooner or later-...but life is life...ya know how it goes. 

[Soldier Surplus 232]

The link is in my signature. Tell it how it is, but not too harsh please

[Crystal Decor 19]

Sure!   sounds super fun!   here is my Pony self<3 ( her name is Crystal decor ,second pic is of her and my big sister , i made my sisters pony sona without her knowledge though so its not really as detailed haha xD)

[Skygunner 352]

  On 2014-10-24 at 10:47 PM, Soldier Surplus said:

The link is in my signature. Tell it how it is, but not too harsh please

While not excessively harsh, I will not spare the rod.   Fortunately you have some time before I get your OC,  in case you don't think you want to hear it.  

 

BECAUSE I'M BRINGING THIS BACK.  Getting back into ponies as it were.

 

Might even do recordings of these. Dunno.  Looks like Scribblegroove was next.  -if i'm reading this right....soooo off we go

[Soldier Surplus 232]

  On 2015-03-13 at 2:08 PM, Skygunner said:

While not excessively harsh, I will not spare the rod.   Fortunately you have some time before I get your OC,  in case you don't think you want to hear it.  

 

BECAUSE I'M BRINGING THIS BACK.  Getting back into ponies as it were.

 

Might even do recordings of these. Dunno.  Looks like Scribblegroove was next.  -if i'm reading this right....soooo off we go

ok well i still want to hear it, despite me not looking at it for almost a year -_-

[Skygunner 352]

  On 2015-03-14 at 2:25 AM, Soldier Surplus said:

ok well i still want to hear it, despite me not looking at it for almost a year -_-

Actually, I did just look over yours quickly,   always give new ones a quick do over,  and yours was sorta kinda really hyper mega completely short.  So......

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

I really don't have much to say.  This isn't so much a fleshed out back story as a state setting,  maybe for RPs?   I did get to know your ponies life story in so few words, but for what I actually learned about the pony?  No much.   I have noting really negative,  nor positive to say because there's simply not enough to form an opinion on.    

A good set up,  and I would imagine in an RP more and more of his personality would get revealed,  and this is a good set up for said RP,   but for a bio?

"So begins the story of Archean Gene."

pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?

 

 

 

[Powderpuff 390]

Hi there. I see you've brought this back, so I want to throw my OC into the pool for consideration. I hope it's alright that my link goes off-site. You can just ignore everything below the second picture! 

 

http://www.ponytopia.net/profile/Anura

[Soldier Surplus 232]

  On 2015-03-15 at 8:57 PM, Skygunner said:

Actually, I did just look over yours quickly,   always give new ones a quick do over,  and yours was sorta kinda really hyper mega completely short.  So......

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

I really don't have much to say.  This isn't so much a fleshed out back story as a state setting,  maybe for RPs?   I did get to know your ponies life story in so few words, but for what I actually learned about the pony?  No much.   I have noting really negative,  nor positive to say because there's simply not enough to form an opinion on.    

A good set up,  and I would imagine in an RP more and more of his personality would get revealed,  and this is a good set up for said RP,   but for a bio?

"So begins the story of Archean Gene."

pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?

 

 

 

Thanks for the supportive feedback. I've since changed the background for my character. Thanks again   

[Hocus Pocus 636]

Sounds good :3 Hope you don't mind if I submit mine for feedback~

Please tell me if anything here seems too "Snowflake syndrome" or "Mary-Sue"ish. As a DM and a writer of some homebrew D&D campaigns, I'd like to know.... Because I know how annoying it is to have to deal with those kinds of characters, so by all means, don't hold back.

 

(Avatar is a pic of my OC grabbing a book off of a shelf)

 

Name: Hocus Pocus (Ponysona)

Type: Unicorn

Gender: MtF trans (I know it's kinda snowflakey, but I am trans, so I figured the OC that's supposed to be me in Equestria should be as well)

Appearance: Sky Blue coat

Cutie Mark: Smoke drifting around a mirror (I suck at drawing, so I've got her wearing a cape ^^" sorry if it's important to see its design)

Hobbies: Experimenting with magic, Labyrinths & Leviathans (Dungeons & Dragons), Hanging out with her friends, Sugar Sprinkles, Tru Bud, and Saddle Song.

Additional Details: Hocus Pocus is more or less a hermit. She lives off of the coast of Baltimare on an island that she calls "Hideaway Island", which she explored with her friends when she was a filly. There she experiments with and practices magic in an attempt to find a spell that can turn her into a mare instead of a stallion. Every now and then, she goes into town to buy supplies or food, but prefers to keep to herself. She would rather only start actually introducing herself to the outside world once she becomes a mare. In the mean time, Hocus practices spells on a magical mirror, which reflects spells back at her, which has gotten her in a few spots of trouble in the past (when she first discovered the mirror on the island as a filly, she also discovered that she had a natural knack for transformative magic when she accidentally turned herself into a cat... and Tru and Sweet had to find some way to turn her back; once she DID turn back, however, she discovered that she had her cutiemark!). Hocus can be rather reckless in her pursuit of experimental magic, getting herself, or the whole group (Hocus, Tru, Saddle, and Sweet) in trouble when she bites off more than she can chew, however, Hocus and her friends always find a way out. When she isn't experimenting with magic, Hocus likes to play L&L with her friends, and take walks late at night in Baltimare, after everypony else has already gone to sleep.

Edited May 4, 2015 by Hocus Pocus

[Creativcorn 245]

Hi, when you have the time could review one of my OC's, Vanylla Sweetsu? I'd really appreciate it very much~

 

Here's the link: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/vanylla-sweetsu-r7572

 

[HunterTSN 1,444]

Not your run of the mill OC, have fun:

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/nymphaea-r7822

[SteffieMusings 295]

Hello there

 

I would like a review of my O.C., Sweet Light, please. I must admit that her development is quite bare-bones at the moment, so I believe some constructive criticism will help me develop her.

 

Thank you

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

Name: Sweet Light

 

Picture: i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa62/steffie_038/sweetlight_zpsbee2ed23.png

 

Gender: Female

Age: 20

 

Species: Flutter Pony

 

Cutie Mark: A simple lamp. She received one after she had crafted her first lamp.

 

Personality: Quiet and shy. Dislikes it when ponies are focused on her, especially when ponies point out that she's a Flutter Pony. Very open and talkative when it comes to crafts and lamps. Self-conscious about her looks, she would always try to look prim and proper. She is also quite ashamed that she can't bring good luck like her fellow Flutter Ponies.

 

Background: Sweet Light is a Flutter Pony that used to live with other Flutter Ponies, until she realized that she still couldn't fix her problem with her luck, no matter how hard she tried. Feeling that she didn't belong with her fellow Flutter Ponies, she decided to move to Ponyville.

 

Being a shy mare, she felt quite self-conscious when everypony were excited to meet a Flutter Pony. They were especially eager to buy lamps from her when she decided to sell lamps while she worked at a craft shop with a unicorn couple, hoping to receive good luck. They soon discovered that she couldn't bring good luck, but they figured that it was because the whole thing about Flutter Ponies bringing good luck was simply a old wive's tale.

 

She happily worked with the elderly couple and even stayed with them, acting like their surrogate daughter.

 

 

 

Edited March 19, 2015 by Steffie

[Skygunner 352]

Delays, Delays everwhere,  should be able to do one of these each day this week.   Just working backwards because freshness.

  On 2015-03-19 at 9:24 AM, Steffie said:

Hello there

 

I would like a review of my O.C., Sweet Light, please. I must admit that her development is quite bare-bones at the moment, so I believe some constructive criticism will help me develop her.

 

Thank you

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

Name: Sweet Light

 

Picture: i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa62/steffie_038/sweetlight_zpsbee2ed23.png

 

Gender: Female

Age: 20

 

Species: Flutter Pony

 

Cutie Mark: A simple lamp. She received one after she had crafted her first lamp.

 

Personality: Quiet and shy. Dislikes it when ponies are focused on her, especially when ponies point out that she's a Flutter Pony. Very open and talkative when it comes to crafts and lamps. Self-conscious about her looks, she would always try to look prim and proper. She is also quite ashamed that she can't bring good luck like her fellow Flutter Ponies.

 

Background: Sweet Light is a Flutter Pony that used to live with other Flutter Ponies, until she realized that she still couldn't fix her problem with her luck, no matter how hard she tried. Feeling that she didn't belong with her fellow Flutter Ponies, she decided to move to Ponyville.

 

Being a shy mare, she felt quite self-conscious when everypony were excited to meet a Flutter Pony. They were especially eager to buy lamps from her when she decided to sell lamps while she worked at a craft shop with a unicorn couple, hoping to receive good luck. They soon discovered that she couldn't bring good luck, but they figured that it was because the whole thing about Flutter Ponies bringing good luck was simply a old wive's tale.

 

She happily worked with the elderly couple and even stayed with them, acting like their surrogate daughter.

 

 

 

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Why did she move to ponyville?

 

I know why you said she did,  but the point is, that doesn't make any sense.    "she didn't feel like she belonged with them"

 

Okay.  She felt like she belonged with ponies?  Heck you even say the couple that took her in, only did so because they were expecting to use her luck abilities.   That's just plain horrible.    They literally wanted to use her.

 

The issue here is flutter pony.   They're sorta jerks.  In the movie,  the flutter ponies only help whack the smooze because plot device.   They literally didn't want to help, they didn't care.   Smooze wasn't their problem.     I just find it hard to believe that a flutter pony would feel less comfortable around other flutters,  and more comfortable aroudn regulars.

 

 

On a sidenote,  there really isn't much to work off here bio wise,  but if I had to make a suggestion.  The Little Mermaid,  is a pretty good jumping off point for you.    That is,   she knows of non-flutter ponies,  and is fascinated by them. As she realizes more and more that she's not a very good flutter pony,  it gets into her head that maybe she's meant for something "more"  and then comes to the conclusion that living with regular ponies is sorta what she was -supposed- to do.   

 

There's lots to work with there,  though it would probably change her cutie mark,  since her purpose was to be a bridge between the pony-flutterpony gap.   Then again the whole lamp thing is all very weak and forced.  Did she get the lamp cutie mark before ponyville? Or after the old couple took her in to abuse her luck.

 

Also you img link didn't work, just an FYI 

 

 

 

 

[SteffieMusings 295]

  On 2015-05-04 at 3:15 PM, Skygunner said:

Delays, Delays everwhere,  should be able to do one of these each day this week.   Just working backwards because freshness.

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Why did she move to ponyville?

 

I know why you said she did,  but the point is, that doesn't make any sense.    "she didn't feel like she belonged with them"

 

Okay.  She felt like she belonged with ponies?  Heck you even say the couple that took her in, only did so because they were expecting to use her luck abilities.   That's just plain horrible.    They literally wanted to use her.

 

The issue here is flutter pony.   They're sorta jerks.  In the movie,  the flutter ponies only help whack the smooze because plot device.   They literally didn't want to help, they didn't care.   Smooze wasn't their problem.     I just find it hard to believe that a flutter pony would feel less comfortable around other flutters,  and more comfortable aroudn regulars.

 

 

On a sidenote,  there really isn't much to work off here bio wise,  but if I had to make a suggestion.  The Little Mermaid,  is a pretty good jumping off point for you.    That is,   she knows of non-flutter ponies,  and is fascinated by them. As she realizes more and more that she's not a very good flutter pony,  it gets into her head that maybe she's meant for something "more"  and then comes to the conclusion that living with regular ponies is sorta what she was -supposed- to do.   

 

There's lots to work with there,  though it would probably change her cutie mark,  since her purpose was to be a bridge between the pony-flutterpony gap.   Then again the whole lamp thing is all very weak and forced.  Did she get the lamp cutie mark before ponyville? Or after the old couple took her in to abuse her luck.

 

Also you img link didn't work, just an FYI 

 

 

 

 

Thank you very much for the constructive criticism. It will really help me in fleshing her out and to work the kinks out.

[J.R. 3,183]

IB please. Here is the link to his profile: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/ice-blizzard-r8023

Edited May 4, 2015 by Ice Blizzard

[Blue Moon 6,342]

Could you review my OC, Autumn? A link to her character profile can be found below and in my signature. Thanks!

 

Autumn's profile

Edited May 4, 2015 by Blue Moon