Worst fanfic ever? AND IT WAS MADE BY ME?

[PrymeStriker 408]

LE GASP! How do you know my name? Oh, right. The story. Heh heh.

 

(Facehoof) another hate comment. Now I have to deal with 2 websites full of them.

 

My post was not a hate comment. I was analyzing each chapter and explaining the problems of your story, subsequently telling you what you need to improve on. This is called constructive criticism. No, your story is not the worst fanfic, but it's not very good either.

[Windwaker 194]

Oh, thank god!

 

Babs: Oh thank Celestia!

 

Fimfiction is FULL of people saying this is the worst FIMfic EVER! But you don't think that. Your comment is not a hate comment!

[Blue Moon 6,345]

First, Twilight is about 21, not 14. The mane 6 are from 20 - 22 years old. Babs is like 11 and the CMCs are like 12.

 

Second, yes, my character is kind if a Gary sue. But I have a phobia for him that in afraid of also. (Though I'm afraid to tell. If I say I there, EVERY SINGLE HATER will post a SPIDER FACE! )

 

Three, this has NOTHING to do with Babs and Frost, plus the Time Defenders. These are totally different universes. XD (in the real time defenders, I am married to AJ! XD XD)

 

Besides that, it was very helpful. When you said true, true friend, I thought of the song XD XD XD

 

 

Give me an example. IN MY FANFIC about me jumping to different ideas instead of focusing on just the one. Go ahead, hit me with your best shot.

Another thing, never respond negatively at a comment you find hateful. First, check to make sure it is not instructive criticism because if you respond negatively to instructive criticism, that makes you look like you can't take criticism. If it is a hate comment that is not backed up, just ignore it. Don't delete it or respond to it. Just ignore it. Responding negatively makes you look immature.

 

For the jumping to different ideas, the story is called The Element of Time, but there is nothing in the story that focuses on that. It is just an excuse for the character to join the mane 6. Also, why is he even the Element of Time. He has done nothing ,except go through space to another dimension, that associates him with time. Try to stay focused on the main idea.

 

And don't make WindWaker a gary sue type character. People like conflict in their stories and if you have a gary sue character, you can't do that. Give him a flaw.

Edited March 31, 2013 by Blue_Moon

[SilverHeart 741]

@,

 

Just as a heads up, I'm trying to find the time to read your fic so I can give you any useful feedback. Well assuming I have any useful feedback.

 

EDIT: @, Sorry today is Easter so I will be slow at getting to that. It may be tomorrow that I get the time to fully respond. 

 

@, 

 

I'm sorry for the wait I had thought I had posted something last night. Unfortunately it appears that I was wrong. Now back to the story.

 

There are two things that you did better than everything else:

Your story is broken up into paragraphs and your sentences are understandable. These may not seem like big accomplishments but I have seen far far too many first-time stories that fail at those two things.

 

Now here some suggestions that will help you get a better audience. Also these are presented in no particular order:

 

Show vs Tell. Show vs Tell is probably one of the harder parts of writing to get right. I know I struggle with it. Most, if not all, of your story is telling us what is happening as opposed to showing. Below I'll give an example of a paragraph that is showing (Shamelessly stolen from my favorite author) and a paragraph (Shamelessly stolen from your story) that is telling. Just as a heads-up they will be very different in what they are trying to convey. 

 

Here is an excerpt from "The Rats in the Walls" by HP Lovecraft:

 

"It was a twilit grotto of enormous height, stretching away farther than any eye could see; a subterraneous world of limitless mystery and horrible suggestion. There were buildings and other architectural remains—in one terrified glance I saw a weird pattern of tumuli, a savage circle of monoliths, a low-domed Roman ruin, a sprawling Saxon pile, and an early English edifice of wood—but all these were dwarfed by the ghoulish spectacle presented by the general surface of the ground. For yards about the steps extended an insane tangle of human bones, or bones at least as human as those on the steps. Like a foamy sea they stretched, some fallen apart, but others wholly or partly articulated as skeletons; these latter invariably in postures of daemoniac frenzy, either fighting off some menace or clutching other forms with cannibal intent."

 

I realize that the above paragraph may not have been the best example but I will always use him as an example since I don't believe that enough people read his works. You can also read all of his stories online for free at:

http://www.hplovecraft.com/writings/fiction/

 

Now here is one of your paragraphs:

 

""I guess." I said to Twilight. I put it on, and it started to glow. A beam of light came out of my Element and hit a window, which reflected at me. (Cartoon physics, I guess). The beam created a forcefield that surrounds me. My eyes glowed, and everything went to white. Then black..."

 

Now be as objective as you can...tell me which paragraph you found more fun to read? As long as the archaic vocabulary didn't stop you, my money is on the Lovecraft quote. I think I'll post this and wait for a response so I don't overwhelm you with reading.

Edited March 31, 2013 by SilverHeart

[Windy Scamper 403]

First, Twilight is about 21, not 14. The mane 6 are from 20 - 22 years old. Babs is like 11 and the CMCs are like 12.

Second, yes, my character is kind if a Gary sue. But I have a phobia for him that in afraid of also. (Though I'm afraid to tell. If I say I there, EVERY SINGLE HATER will post a SPIDER FACE! )

Three, this has NOTHING to do with Babs and Frost, plus the Time Defenders. These are totally different universes. XD (in the real time defenders, I am married to AJ! XD XD)

Besides that, it was very helpful. When you said true, true friend, I thought of the song XD XD XD

 

Give me an example. IN MY FANFIC about me jumping to different ideas instead of focusing on just the one. Go ahead, hit me with your best shot.

*sigh* Okay, I was using Babs and Frost as an example, since that shows a better example than this.

 

Also, no. Think about the setting of the school the CMC go to. That's an elementary school, and we can conclude by the way they act, there is no way the CMC is over the age of ten.

 

Furthermore, there is no way the mane6 are adults. I have heard many times that they are teenagers, late middle scool to early high school.

 

And I was quoting the song, Captain Obvious.

 

Finally, one example of jumping away from an idea in your story; The Doctor comes and takes Connor away. First of all, he acts like he expected this to happen. I don't know about you, but I would be freaking out and way more confused if David Tennant just showdd up in my yard. Anyways, then the Doctor just leaves, and we never hear of Connor's connectio to the Doctor ever again. See what I mean? You could have had a Doctor Who adventure, or helped David Tennant cope with being Doctor Whooves....but instead, the Doctor just vanishes from the story.

 

One thing to keep in mind;people find filler extremely boring. If it isn't moving the plot along or so insanely funny I feel like I'm dying, then it's filler. You have a lot of that, and the more filler there is, the more people get bored. Try to stay focused on the story and where you are trying to go with it so readers feel pulled to the end and want to get there. I felt like your story became a slice of life after he became a pony, and that there was no visible end.

 

Just some more stuff to keep in mind! And sorry for the sarcasm, I'm a sarcastic person.

Edited March 31, 2013 by Windy Scamper

[Blue Moon 6,345]

@,

 

Just as a heads up, I'm trying to find the time to read your fic so I can give you any useful feedback. Well assuming I have any useful feedback.

 

@, 

 

I'm sorry for the wait I had thought I had posted something last night. Unfortunately it appears that I was wrong. Now back to the story.

 

There are two things that you did better than everything else:

Your story is broken up into paragraphs and your sentences are understandable. These may not seem like big accomplishments but I have seen far far too many first-time stories that fail at those two things.

 

Now here some suggestions that will help you get a better audience. Also these are presented in no particular order:

 

Show vs Tell. Show vs Tell is probably one of the harder parts of writing to get right. I know I struggle with it. Most, if not all, of your story is telling us what is happening as opposed to showing. Below I'll give an example of a paragraph that is showing (Shamelessly stolen from my favorite author) and a paragraph (Shamelessly stolen from your story) that is telling. Just as a heads-up they will be very different in what they are trying to convey. 

 

Here is an excerpt from "The Rats in the Walls" by HP Lovecraft:

 

"It was a twilit grotto of enormous height, stretching away farther than any eye could see; a subterraneous world of limitless mystery and horrible suggestion. There were buildings and other architectural remains—in one terrified glance I saw a weird pattern of tumuli, a savage circle of monoliths, a low-domed Roman ruin, a sprawling Saxon pile, and an early English edifice of wood—but all these were dwarfed by the ghoulish spectacle presented by the general surface of the ground. For yards about the steps extended an insane tangle of human bones, or bones at least as human as those on the steps. Like a foamy sea they stretched, some fallen apart, but others wholly or partly articulated as skeletons; these latter invariably in postures of daemoniac frenzy, either fighting off some menace or clutching other forms with cannibal intent."

 

I realize that the above paragraph may not have been the best example but I will always use him as an example since I don't believe that enough people read his works. You can also read all of his stories online for free at:

http://www.hplovecraft.com/writings/fiction/

 

Now here is one of your paragraphs:

 

""I guess." I said to Twilight. I put it on, and it started to glow. A beam of light came out of my Element and hit a window, which reflected at me. (Cartoon physics, I guess). The beam created a forcefield that surrounds me. My eyes glowed, and everything went to white. Then black..."

 

Now be as objective as you can...tell me which paragraph you found more fun to read? As long as the archaic vocabulary didn't stop you, my money is on the Lovecraft quote. I think I'll post this and wait for a response so I don't overwhelm you with reading.

Thanks. I look forward to the feedback and tell me what I need to work on and any spelling or grammatical errors. It is my first fanfic.

[Limey 524]

I've been on Fimfic quite a lot, and I have to say this: Don't delete comments. Just don't do it, I can see you deleted a lot of comments from highly influential Fimficers like Art Inspired, and deleting their comments are just going to make you look like a douche who cant take criticism.

I saw this story! I think I commented on it.
 
My FIMFic name is Royal Canterlot, by the way. If I didn't comment already, I will now.
 
I am so giving it a thumbs up :3
 
Oh, right, this is the fanfic that was made into a chatroom.If you think that's bad, read My Immortal.
 
You did much better then My Immortal.
 
My Immortal is the worst fanfiction in history.
 
BY FAR.

What the hell are you talking about? My Immortal is the greatest fanfic of all time! SO GOFFIK. They say, if you read every single chapter of My Immortal, you become enlightened. Oh, and if anyone is interested my fimfic is here. I'm currently writing a TF2 crossover fic, if anyone here adds me it would mean a lot.

Edited March 31, 2013 by Navel Spess

[Blue Moon 6,345]

I've been on Fimfic quite a lot, and I have to say this: Don't delete comments. Just don't do it, I can see you deleted a lot of comments from highly influential Fimficers like Art Inspired, and deleting their comments are just going to make you look like a douche who cant take criticism.

 

What the hell are you talking about? My Immortal is the greatest fanfic of all time! SO GOFFIK. They say, if you read every single chapter of My Immortal, you become enlightened. Oh, and if anyone is interested my fimfic is here. I'm currently writing a TF2 crossover fic, if anyone here adds me it would mean a lot.

I'll check it out. Which one of your stories do you want me to read? Do you want me to read the Jane Doe one? If you are interested, you can read my first fanfic and give tips on it. Here it is:

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/93915/queen-chrysalis-plan

[Limey 524]

I'll check it out. Which one of your stories do you want me to read? Do you want me to read the Jane Doe one? If you are interested, you can read my first fanfic and give tips on it. Here it is:

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/93915/queen-chrysalis-plan

Yeah, the other one is cancelled because I overcomplicated the plot. It's way too much for me as a new writer. And I'll be sure to check out your fic and add you!

[Lewis the Brony 110]

I think I have done the unthinkable. Made the worst FIMfiction is history! Almost EVERY SINGLE COMMENT is negative, and people hate it.

 

Babs:(Derpy impression) We just don't know what went wrong!

 

Can ANYPONY like this FIMfic? I think not, but if you like to read "the worst fanfic in history" be my guest.

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/91190/the-element-of-time

 

Babs: Lets prepare ourselves for hate comments.

 

Agreed.

 

You sure you didn't write a trollfic? Because it seem to look like one. If you weren't planning to write a trollfic, then congrats on making some jimmies rustled.

 

Of course, I didn't. It was too funny.

[Mand'alor Dash 2,225]

I actually sat down and read the whole thing, and you know what? It was funnier than shit!

 

That was literally one of the funniest fics I have ever read. Yeah, the hilarity was unintentional, and yes, it's really just the "trainwreck value" that makes it so enjoyable, but that doesn't change the fact that it's hilarious. Certainly far more entertaining than reading a badfic that begs us to take it seriously*, and the cameo from David Tennant sets the tone early on for random, nonsensical silliness.

 

My suggestion: don't tone it down, go all out. With a bit of self-awareness, you could turn this into one hell of an awesome parody.

 

*My Little Dashie, for example.

[Alleviate 342]

I know that I'm going to get firebombed for this, but, ....It...Wasn't THAT bad. I mean, I've read miracles, beauties, amazing fics, okay fics, this kinda thing (sorry), and dreadful things. I know how junky my first one was, At least this 'un's readable, 

 

I found humor in it, sorry if it wasn't meant to be so, but I feel it was, somehow...

Meh, it just felt amusing really, plainly amusing- I've seen critical failures before, but this ain't one of 'em.

 

Good thingies:  'If I told them this was just a fiction show made by Hasbro, paradoxes would occur. I had to lie'

^I LOVE this line!

 

The chap.'s are a little on the short side (Like I can talk, oh one of 700 words in one of 'em...Hah...) So get them up a bit, and make more amazing lines like the one mentioned above  

 

(All stuff written here is from a pro *cough* yeah, I said it! ONE person asked me to write another chapter on one of my oldest ones, so that makes me amazing, [TROO!])

 

I'll shut up now.

[Windwaker 194]

I actually sat down and read the whole thing, and you know what? It was funnier than shit!

 

That was literally one of the funniest fics I have ever read. Yeah, the hilarity was unintentional, and yes, it's really just the "trainwreck value" that makes it so enjoyable, but that doesn't change the fact that it's hilarious. Certainly far more entertaining than reading a badfic that begs us to take it seriously*, and the cameo from David Tennant sets the tone early on for random, nonsensical silliness.

 

My suggestion: don't tone it down, go all out. With a bit of self-awareness, you could turn this into one hell of an awesome parody.

 

*My Little Dashie, for example.

Wait, David Tennant cameo? Oh, god, I was supposed to ommit that!

 

Babs: Should have presses the flopply disc button.

 

Anyway, glad you like the story. XD I lauged a bit from you saying "It was funnier than shit!" XD

 

I know that I'm going to get firebombed for this, but, ....It...Wasn't THAT bad. I mean, I've read miracles, beauties, amazing fics, okay fics, this kinda thing (sorry), and dreadful things. I know how junky my first one was, At least this 'un's readable, 

 

I found humor in it, sorry if it wasn't meant to be so, but I feel it was, somehow...

Meh, it just felt amusing really, plainly amusing- I've seen critical failures before, but this ain't one of 'em.

 

Good thingies:  'If I told them this was just a fiction show made by Hasbro, paradoxes would occur. I had to lie'

^I LOVE this line!

 

The chap.'s are a little on the short side (Like I can talk, oh one of 700 words in one of 'em...Hah...) So get them up a bit, and make more amazing lines like the one mentioned above

 

(All stuff written here is from a pro *cough* yeah, I said it! ONE person asked me to write another chapter on one of my oldest ones, so that makes me amazing, [TROO!])

 

I'll shut up now.

 

No no. Continue. I want to hear your rating between 1-10. You probably would put like a 7/10 or 8/10. I think you enjoyed it. AND THAT MAKES ME HAPPY!

[Zygen 6,066]

I wouldn't be so hard on yourself, I mean yeah its not all that great a fanfic or anything, and it has problems. But I mean I'm pretty sure theres way worse out there.

 

Besides, its better then anything I've made.. you know considering I've never wrote a fanfic yet .

 

Even if you think its not very good maybe your talents don't lie in writing fanfics, not everyones mean to write fanfics or something afterall, I'm sure theres another area where you excel.

 

I think saying its the worst fanfic in history is a bit over critical of yourself though.

 

Besides, with some critique and practice and time you can be pretty decent at anything really.

[Windy Scamper 403]

Oh, I just realized I never gave you a rating. I'd say 3-4/10.(But trust me, I'm a harsh grader. I give like,.nothinga ten unless it blows my mind.) Points for geting creative with the Doctor, but everything else is explained in my other two comments.

 

Oh, and did you read my second one? I put in a good tip about how to stop filler and such.

[Windwaker 194]

Filler? Filler. Huh, I never realized it. I'll read it again. Probably. Maybe. Probably not. No!

 

Read it. It was interesting. Now I know, and knowing is half the battle!

 

MLP!

 

*sigh* Okay, I was using Babs and Frost as an example, since that shows a better example than this.

Also, no. Think about the setting of the school the CMC go to. That's an elementary school, and we can conclude by the way they act, there is no way the CMC is over the age of ten.

Furthermore, there is no way the mane6 are adults. I have heard many times that they are teenagers, late middle scool to early high school.

And I was quoting the song, Captain Obvious.

Finally, one example of jumping away from an idea in your story; The Doctor comes and takes Connor away. First of all, he acts like he expected this to happen. I don't know about you, but I would be freaking out and way more confused if David Tennant just showdd up in my yard. Anyways, then the Doctor just leaves, and we never hear of Connor's connectio to the Doctor ever again. See what I mean? You could have had a Doctor Who adventure, or helped David Tennant cope with being Doctor Whooves....but instead, the Doctor just vanishes from the story.

One thing to keep in mind;people find filler extremely boring. If it isn't moving the plot along or so insanely funny I feel like I'm dying, then it's filler. You have a lot of that, and the more filler there is, the more people get bored. Try to stay focused on the story and where you are trying to go with it so readers feel pulled to the end and want to get there. I felt like your story became a slice of life after he became a pony, and that there was no visible end.

Just some more stuff to keep in mind! And sorry for the sarcasm, I'm a sarcastic person.

AHEM! It IS a slice of life. And you didn't know that? This isn't an adventure story. You DO know that, right? I'm just saying. Read your catagories!

http://digibrony.tumblr.com/post/19830360535/roughly-estimating-mane-6-ages Twilight and the gang are NOT 14!

Edited April 1, 2013 by Bearsie

[Windy Scamper 403]

Filler? Filler. Huh, I never realized it. I'll read it again. Probably. Maybe. Probably not. No!

Read it. It was interesting. Now I know, and knowing is half the battle!

MLP!

AHEM! It IS a slice of life. And you didn't know that? This isn't an adventure story. You DO know that, right? I'm just saying. Read your catagories!

You keep using that word (slice of life.) I don't think it means what you think it means.

 

Because last time I checked, it isn't normal for THE DOCTOR TO APPEAR IN A KID'S YARD! A KID TO BE TURNED INTO A PONY! AND FOR HIM TO JUST HAPPEN TO BE THE SAVIOR OF EQUESTRIA! (Sorry, important events should be in Caps. Cus they're important.)

 

Anywho, if you want to do a Silce of Life, keep it like that. Because the first part was definetly more adventure. Don't jump around in categories, or else it confuses the reader.

[Windwaker 194]

You keep using that word (slice of life.) I don't think it means what you think it means.

Because last time I checked, it isn't normal for THE DOCTOR TO APPEAR IN A KID'S YARD! A KID TO BE TURNED INTO A PONY! AND FOR HIM TO JUST HAPPEN TO BE THE SAVIOR OF EQUESTRIA! (Sorry, important events should be in Caps. Cus they're important.)

Anywho, if you want to do a Silce of Life, keep it like that. Because the first part was definetly more adventure. Don't jump around in categories, or else it confuses the reader.

Hold on for a second. This isn't in a kids yard. This is a kids living room! Also, I need to delete the Doctor thing. It keeps bugging me, and I need to omit that.

[TailsIsNotAlone 3,696]

The worst MLP fanfic ever was about an alicorn OC who turns into a jet like one of the Transformers.

 

While nothing you've done here is that bad, make no mistake, this is a poorly written story. Everything is rushed, the language is unnecessary (your mom drops F-bombs on you?), cliches abound (alicorn OC, 7th Element of Harmony, groan), and the dialogue is poor (Luna would not say "how do you know this stuff").

 

We have no idea who your character is or why we should care. Why does he change his name if he's still human? How does he know what his element is? Because of the "earlier dreams" that are never explained? The story is totally disjointed. The worst thing by far is the plot, so I'm not sure how much help your editors can be. I only hope it gets better from here and that you're able to make a functional story out of this mess, but it's not looking good.

Edited April 1, 2013 by TailsIsNotAlone

[Windwaker 194]

The worst MLP fanfic ever was about an alicorn OC who turns into a jet like one of the Transformers.

 

While nothing you've done here is that bad, make no mistake, this is a poorly written story. Everything is rushed, the language is unnecessary (your mom drops F-bombs on you?), cliches abound (alicorn OC, 7th Element of Harmony, groan), and the dialogue is poor (Luna would not say "how do you know this stuff").

 

We have no idea who your character is or why we should care. Why does he change his name if he's still human? How does he know what his element is? Because of the "earlier dreams" that are never explained? The story is totally disjointed. The worst thing by far is the plot, so I'm not sure how much help your editors can be. I only hope it gets better from here and that you're able to make a functional story out of this mess, but it's not looking good.

Lolwut?

 

And what is this story about an OC jet about? I want to know more. Link?

 

Windwaker is not an Alicorn. Yet.

 

Yes, mom drops f bombs at me all the time.

 

The element of time will be explained in the next chapter: the explanation. (Subtle.)

 

And the plot IS horrible.

 

Anything else, Lyra? (Also, cover photo is awesome!)

[PrymeStriker 408]

Now I know, and knowing is half the battle!

 

Okay, I know this has absolutely nothing to do with the topic at hand, but I simply had to praise you for that reference. 

 

 

 

Nerdgasm

 

 

[~SadisticFluttershy~ 779]

Well despite this story being as horrible as it can get, don't feel all 2 down about it.

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/74600/spiritual-renewal

 

Thats a link to my fiction, first one too! So i'd love to get feed back on it.

This will also get the horrible fict off of ponies minds.

[Windwaker 194]

Well despite this story being as horrible as it can get, don't feel all 2 down about it.

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/74600/spiritual-renewal

 

Thats a link to my fiction, first one too! So i'd love to get feed back on it.

This will also get the horrible fict off of ponies minds.

Um, no. You don't just say this is the worst FIMfic and put your own crappy fanfic. You don't just do that!

 

 

That is my reaction in a nutshell. And the most posted video in the comments!

[~SadisticFluttershy~ 779]

Um, no. You don't just say this is the worst FIMfic and put your own crappy fanfic. You don't just do that!

 

 

That is my reaction in a nutshell. And the most posted video in the comments!

Read again,

 

I never said mine was horrible. I have every right to share mine, just like a few others posted links of their ficts to this topic.

Didn't need to see the video because i don't need to because i don't care what the reaction is.

[Windwaker 194]

Read again,

 

I never said mine was horrible. I have every right to share mine, just like a few others posted links of their ficts to this topic.

Didn't need to see the video because i don't need to because i don't care what the reaction is.

... It was the infamous NO GOD NO video from the office. XD Still, your fanfic is really crappy. I read the first chapter, and it sucked. 4/10