im new to writing fan fiction : chapter one

[Xrainbowmacadash92X 4]

Hey guys im new to mlp forums and new to writing fan fic and would like for/someone to proof read my first chapter , i know its kinda a cliff hanger/ aka not done yet but i just would like someones out side perspective thank you !!!

Morgan Freemane my little pony.docx

[Little Lizards 91]

Firstly,

 

Spelling, 

Grammar,

Punctuation. 

 

No one enjoys reading fan fiction that isn't spelled correctly. 

 

Secondly, organization. The first part of the fan fiction is organized fairly well, with good division with paragraphs. Towards the end, you need to add more space. It's easier for people to read smaller chunks of a paragraph rather than one big paragraph. 

 

Thirdly, word choice. You describe the characters using the word 'moderate', and it gets kind of boring reading the same word over and over and over again. 

 

Fourth, how can a pony be 'light grey mulberry'? The word choice here is confusing, and I think more of a grey than a purple. I would call her coat color lavender, or a light purple rather than 'light grey mulberry'.

 

So that's all I can think of at the moment. 

[Sky Warden 2,243]

Like @Little Lizards said, you need to pay attention to punctuation, spelling, and grammar, even though he's not clear and detailed enough on the advices he gave you. I suggest you to check this thread. I've written some writing guides which can help you a lot in fiction writing. Just follow the links on the first post of the thread.

[Xrainbowmacadash92X 4]

thank you guys i totally agree with the color issue , my friend told me to use exactly from the wiki , thank you ill be sure to fix it and keep it in mind for following chapters !!