Memory Lane

She's simply lovely. Very well illustrated.

I read everything and I think she's absolutely delightful. There simply isn't anything to highlight for improvement. Kudos.

"Liberating" magic huh? Interesting word choice. I like the idea of there being a spell that diffuses focused magic. Just be sure its clear he can't simply drain magic belonging to a host like Tirek could. That's where it would become overpowered. Delicate like those butterfly wings? In that case what use are they in combat anyway? If anything, I'd imagine they would leave him more vulnerable than before. Honedge is cool, isn't it? Your still gonna be mistaken for a crossover, eh but whatever. Sucking Life? Trapping Souls? How does that not count as Dark Magic? That sounds pretty dark and unholy to me. He didn't die? What? His soul isn't connected to his body... right? I'll buy the sword itself is enchanted, but come on there's no way his spirit carried over with any magic. It's a genetic thing. Anytime, my friend.

Regarding Enzo... 1. So his special talent is essentially magic itself? Am I understanding that correctly? He can control the flow of magic so masterfully, he can even diffuse spells cast by others? If so... I confess, that does sound rather overpowered. 2. He can conjure himself some magic wings. I would consider discarding this ability entirely. Isn't it enough he's already superior to the average unicorn? If he wasn't already stretching his boundaries before, he'll surely cross the threshold if he had Pegasus like abilities as well. He's essentially an indirect Alicorn. 3. His backstory doesn't include how he became who he is today. There isn't a cutie mark story or anything explaining how he became so skilled with magic and swords. So... details there would be nice. Regarding Khris... 1. Firstly, is Khris literally a Honedge? As in the Pokemon? Probably not, but you have an implied crossover there. 2. Khris was once a Unicorn who practiced Dark Magic in Ponyville before being chased away, escaping into the Everfree Forest, and accidentally binding his own soul to his own sword. That's all we know. Surely there's more to this story? What kind of life did he lead before all this? After all, no ordinary citizen would have access to Dark Magic in the whimsical land of Equestria. 3. This may be a personal thing... but I don't like how Khris can still use magic without his body. I'm not convinced one would retain their magical abilities after death.

While the proposed image is indeed lovely, I wouldn't recommend having it actually tattooed to your body. It's a painful process to receive one, and more so to remove one should you grow weary of the design. It simply seems a little too extreme. Why not make a poster or T-shirt instead?

Ah very well. I only wished to highlight how he doesn't have to follow the Pegasus stereotype of having a weather themed cutie mark when he could potentially be more accurately defined with something else. He sounds like he had a traumatic experience when he foolishly flew into a thunderstorm. How could he experience his cutie mark epiphany through his life threatening terror? My condolences for Night Rain. How deeply unfortunate his parents decided to separate so soon after their foal was born. That's an interesting point of history you might care to elaborate on. Perhaps Night Rain has father issues. Although I'm sure Cloudsdale his solid architecture, it seems Night Rain is experiencing lasting difficulty adapting on Earth. Is he also awkward dealing with non Pegasi or general earthbound culture? P.S. You mistakenly called him a filly instead of colt or simply foal.

I see you've updated Night Rain. Shall I update my review in turn? I see you're emphasizing his love of science and the ocean. Perhaps you should make him a marine biologist. He could have a flask with a fish inside as a cutie mark. He could have earned it by winning a science fair or by making some new discovery. You know, I really don't think ponies get picked on in Equestria for having parents of different races. Recall Hearth's Warming Eve. You could instead say Night Rain was a popular pony to prank throughout school because he seems to be nerdy what with his high intelligence and love of science. Therefore leading him to develop trust issues over time. Is there a reason for him to have separated parents? Why wasn't the mother living with the father so they can raise their unborn foal together? You've made it clear their still in touch.

Very well. I shall give my honest review. 1. I recommend changing "Nightrain" to "Night Rain". 2. You will eventually need professional artwork of him done. You said he's male, but his picture implies he's female because of the incorrect muzzle. 3. His cutie mark is a little bland, isn't it? Does rain and water really define him? What is his special talent? How did he earn his cutie mark? 4. Why is he so distrustful of others? Was he wronged by someone? You should explain why he has that characteristic in his backstory. 5. How did he grow up in Cloudsdale when his mother was a Unicorn? 6. He graduated school with ease? Is he suppose to be a prodigy? Unless he needs to be highly intelligent for something, he should be average. 7. I would discard everything combat related. Equestria is a peaceful country. He isn't a royal guard, so he has no excuse to own a weapon. Nobody is handing out weapons to average citizens. 8. He's an outstanding flier? He can't be highly intelligent and highly athletic. A pony only gets one special talent. Everything else about them should be average. 9. He's unemployed at age 20. You should give him a stable occupation. Freelance work is unreliable. There's no way he's supporting himself like that.

I've always preferred ice themed characters.

Interesting design. He reminds me of Ghost Rider for some reason.

While I'm more attached to your original style, this new style has a refreshing appeal. I can't really say one is better than another. You should simply use them both.

Alright, here you go. My impressions. I'm visually unconvinced Chelsea is a Pony - Griffon hybrid. She simply doesn't have enough pony like characteristics. I feel like she only has pony genes to justify giving her a cutie mark. You said Celestia harbors a hatred for the Griffons because of some failed invasion led by their previous king. While I understand tensions between them could be a thing, Celestia isn't someone who holds grudges, especially in light of this new era. Then while sailing an unarmed ship in the name of peace and harmony, (which Celestia champions) Celestia preemptively and ruthlessly ordered their vessel to be sunk, essentially dooming the crew. Again, highly unlike Celestia. In the ensuing shipwreck, Chelsea apparently drowned? Perhaps you meant to say she was drowning? This part was confusing. You go on to say the Sea Ponies took her deep underwater to meet with their queen. You didn't specify, but I have to assume she was enchanted in some fashion to survive underwater for so long. Also, why wasn't anyone else rescued? In the next scene, you imply through the Sea Pony Queen there is something special or "pure" about Chelsea. What exactly is it? You highlighted how she isn't always aggressive, but that applies to everyone doesn't it? A few days seem to pass and Chelsea is... "chilling by the beach"? Wasn't she recently involved in a horrific shipwreck? Where are her priorities? Anyway, Chelsea is eventually rescued (somehow) and returned to the Griffon Kingdom where she learns her parents have died. Dead parents cliche. Two years later, Celestia decides to annihilate the Griffon Kingdom. Because... surely after they tried to make peace, they were asking for punishment. I dislike how Equestria is portrayed as being so cruel. Finally we have our finale. Before the Equestrian army could invade, Chelsea summons (instinctively?) a massive shield of water before them. Clearly she has enough control of her emotions not to take an offensive stance. So this is my biggest issue if anything. Chelsea has water based superpowers. She can manipulate water, use magic through water, and swim underwater indefinitely. All because of the Queen Sea Pony? I don't know. Perhaps I'm too selective, but I don't see why, even if I believed she could, the Queen Sea Pony would bestow superpowers upon Chelsea. She doesn't appear particularly deserving of them based on what I've read. P.S. She lives in Ponyville!? What!? Why!?

Ah yes, I remember this story you were working on. I can see in this universe, Unicorns will be supremacist. They even seem to have conquered the Earth and Pegasi somehow, forced them into servitude. How cruel.

A simple emerald for a cutie mark? As shown, I see no problem with show accuracy. Her name may be Garnet, but an emerald works all the same to convey her relation with precious stones while also matching her eyes.

Absolutely. Your work is of a commendable quality and certainly worthy of being sold.

Oh really? So we have an AU style story then? Well now that may be even more interesting. So much more creative freedom for the writer and so much less predictability for the reader. In any case, I wouldn't mind giving your story a casual read should you choose to publish it someday.

Fanfiction covering the more vague areas in pony history is always intriguing to me. I'm simply trying to confirm where your story fits into the cannon we already know. The way you described the premise has left me unsure of something. Is this story a direct prequel to Hearth's Warming Eve, covering events before the Windigo invasion? Or are we dealing with an entirely separate set of tribes who have their own history and who potentially founded their own kingdom?

Well yes, I do imagine moving an entire celestial body does consume a greedy sum of magic. Dividing your Unicorn forces between a sun and moon shift is certainly the sensible thing to do. Though what I meant to highlight was how there seem to be two pony nations each claiming control over the same sun and moon. Doesn't that cause a problem? Or could it be your story is meant to be a direct prequel to Hearth's Warming Eve?

Certainly interesting. So these tribes existed independently of those who founded Equestria? Plausible, but isn't there only one sun and moon to go around? Surely the Equestrian Unicorns and the Solar / Lunar Unicorns couldn't control them at once?