Cagey

Belated New Years' Resolutions:

-finish writing the fimfic currently open on my computer (only about one more page left!)

-finish the work you've been putting off for the past six months

-read that book

-don't eat another whole box of macaroni and cheese

Pre-New-Year's Resolutions: 

• finish writing the fimfic that's been sitting on my computer since last year
• finish reading the book that I got last Christmas
• watch that show that I said I would watch this past summer
• make an effort to text a hello to at least one friend
• become more financially literate
• draw horse(s)

I don't know if I'll finish all these. 

And so, Thanksgiving comes to a close.

This was the first Thanksgiving where my family ate out at a restaurant, for a couple reasons (the care of bedridden family members being one of them). Organized by my parents, it included a handful of relatives who live in the area of our hometown -- uncles, cousins, cousins' babies, etc. Upon entering the restaurant, I was surprised to run into a couple of people I knew in high school, but I think I handled the interaction well. 

Me: Hi, guys!! How are you?

Person 1: good

Person 2: [question about my life]?

Me: Yeah, actually [more specific info]. Do you guys work here?

Person 1: I do

Person 2: I don't

Me: Ok, well, great seeing you! Happy Thanksgiving!

It could've been way more awkward, and maybe it's optimistic, but I don't think they were disappointed to see me.

And then I went to dinner. By all accounts, it was a good dinner, even with a nosy family member asking when my sister's going to go on a date and when I'm going to marry my partner. Luckily, that's when a cousin showed up with a baby for everyone to pay attention to, so as my mother says, I was rescued. 

It's Thanksgiving, so, speaking of her -- I'm thankful for my mother.

She's a good mother. A good daughter, too -- she spends a lot of time taking care of her father (one of the aforementioned bedridden people), and up until recently, her mother. (I mentioned to some people that there was a death in the family this week.) 

My mother is strong -- quiet, but level-headed and unexpectedly funny. I don't know where I'd be without her -- where any of us would be without her. 

There was a moment today where she sat down on her mother's walker, and I suddenly couldn't stop picturing her in ten, twenty years. Will she be as strong? Will I have to watch her carefully, making sure she isn't about to fall over? She almost fell today because of some fancy shoes. How many years will it take for that to be a regular thing? We talked about going skiing one of these winters, because she used to love skiing years ago; if we wait too long, she won't be able to do it. And what about her mind, her mental faculties? 

I let a baby hold my hand today. A few hours later, I visited my grandfather, looked into his eyes, and didn't see any light. 

I'm not particularly keen on ruminating over death and purpose, but it's something I couldn't help but think about today: how time really and truly flies. Those former classmates I encountered are living their own lives, looking so different than the twelve year olds I picture in my mind. They smiled at me, but they probably already forgot my name. It surely hasn't been that many years, has it? 

So, time flies. In the blink of an eye, I might become my mother, my grandfather. I have a picture of him from 1952, traveling the world, smiling with light in his eyes.

The year is 2022. Maybe I should take a picture of myself. 

I know I haven't been around a lot this year, for mostly unfixable website-related reasons, but I promise I'm fine and still popping in every now and again. 

It's going to be a busy last few months of the year, with the holidays, birthdays, art, and writing I have to do. 

Hope you're all well.