adventure Criticism please?

[yisetab28 89]

So, hi guys! It's been a while since I've written anything long, and so I've decided to completely rewrite one of my fanfics after receiving some opinions of it . So, I have here in the attached files the draft of the story so far, which is set in an alternate no magic timeline 25 years after the events of S4. 

 

I really like writing, but without any feedback of any kind, I really can't get better, or even continue on a story. So, could you guys here give me some criticism on my style and all?

SoS Chapt I.txt

[Grepper 3,192]

I'm not the best at grammar, but I will try to critique your work.

 

Your writing style is a bit long-winded. For example, the sentence below could be rewritten into several sentences.

 

 

At first, nothing happened, but seconds later, the crew came running out, right before the ammo rack exploded, blowing up the turret a few meters high, before it hit the ground in a metallic noise.

 

This could be rewritten like this:

 

 

Nothing happened at first. Seconds later, the crew bolted out of the tank right before the ammo rack exploded. The explosion sent the turret several meters into the air before it hit the ground with a loud metallic noise.

 

I found an article on how to properly use commas. Frankly, I don't get the rules right all the time either.

 

I've spotted some spelling, punctuation, grammatical and comma spacing errors but those should easily be fixed after your story passes the rough draft stage.

 

I like that you use some larger words such as deflagration and glacis in your writing. I even had to look them up in a dictionary.

 

Kudos for posting the story in plain text instead of the MS Word format.

 

---

 

 

Crushing everything in its way, from discarded weapons to dead ponies,

[Ragland Tiger 3,297]

I can't tell you everything from just reading this one chapter, but I can offer some practical suggestions.

Don't open with a huge chunk of background exposition. Use background exposition sparingly, if at all. Open with a character in action. Show, don't tell.  Use descriptive details in a way that puts the reader smack dab in the middle of what is immediately happening.  Start with one character's  point of view, and stay there!  Trust me on this one; it may not be as easy as being an "author omniscient", as the character does not know everything, but it will give the reader a more immediate sense of what the scene and story are about.  Better yet, let the character themselves tell the story.

That's all I've got, for now.  I hope this helps.  If you have any specific questions on what I'm talking about, drop me a PM, and I'll do my darnedest to answer.

RT

Edited June 5, 2015 by Ragland Tiger

[yisetab28 89]

Thanks a lot @Greppertas and  @Ragland Tiger for the criticism. And yeah, for crushing dead ponies, this story was never meant to be unviolent. I've decided to change the structure a little bit. Instead of big chunks of paragraphs, there will be a small entry from one of the main character's diary to sum up the situation. What do you guys think of that?

[Ragland Tiger 3,297]

That could work, but you have to do it in a way that gives the reader a sense of who the character is, without stating it outright.  A few brilliant examples of this come from film composer /  songwriter Randy Newman.  He often uses what is sometimes called a persona point of view.   Check these out:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dT5CYATcm0

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJLYK6252ls

 

I hope this gives you lots of ideas!  

[yisetab28 89]

@@Ragland Tiger, I've got the draft of the diary till now:

 

"Midnight had just gone by a few hours ago, but we didn't need the sun to see outside. The sky itself was on fire. We were fighting here in Canterlot for over a week now. Maybe more. I really can't tell since I've lost track of time... I still remember very well the scene though. We were fighting in a narrow street, against the hordes of soldiers and vehicles the Sunbutts were throwing at us. But we weren't going to flinch that easily. They wouldn't either. The commander was calm, as always, just giving orders like a clockwork machine. I already knew him for two years, but that attitude still scared me as much as the first day..."

 

So, how does it sound?

[Ragland Tiger 3,297]

Excellent! Do more tweaking. Drop unnecessary words and phrases. Don't be afraid to rearrange paragraphs and sentences. Here are your first lines, rewritten:

 

Midnight passed a few hours ago, but I don't need the sunrise. The sky is on fire.

 

Can you feel the difference?

 

Edited June 5, 2015 by Ragland Tiger

[yisetab28 89]

@@Ragland Tiger, I understand a bit more now. I'll try applying it, though I do like making long sentences much more.