Lines you'll never catch FIM characters saying.

[Luigi 7,868]

(Imagine Applejack driving her Toyota Prius at night in ponyville with Big McIntosh  in the front seat)

Applejack: So Ah'm makin the copies, and this freak show Zephyr Breeze comes in and says "Hey, can I just jump in for one quick copy?" And then what happens? PAPER JAM! THREE hours to fix all for a freakin Power Ponies cartoon, it was so annoying.

Big McIntosh: WATCH OUT!!!!!!!! (Applejack swerves next to Filthy Rich's incoming delivery truck) Oh my god, that was close.

Applejack: (Sigh) That was incredibly annoyin, Big McIntosh!

BM: What?

Applejack: You know, don't tell me how to drive, okay?

BM: Ah wasn't tellin you how to drive, ah was lettin you know we were about to die.

Applejack: Ah saw him.

BM: Yeah, ah saw him too. He was almost in mah eyeball.

Applejack: For yer information, the only reason ah swerved is because you scream like a little girl. "EEK, A MOUSE!"

BM: Ok, it wasn't eek a mouse, it was "EEK, A DELIVERY TRUCK!!!"

Applejack: Just let me drive, Big brother. Ah promise, Ah will get you and yer bagels home safely.

BM: Ah'll do what ah want, ah'm not sayin a word.

Applejack: That works for me.

[cmarston1 5,952]

Rarity: I am loving the hair

Rainbow Dash: (blushes) You're looking snazzy as always

[Luigi 7,868]

(Phone rings) 

Sunburst: (Answers the phone) Hello?

Shining Armor: Oh, hey Sunburst, its me, Shining Armor.

Sunburst: What can I do you for?

S.A.: Actually I was calling to check the messages off the machine, so just hang up and I'll call right back.

Sunburst: Gotcha. (Hangs up) (Phone rings, Sunburst answers) Hello?

S.A.: Sunburst, didn't I just ask you not to pick up?

Sunburst: Well, you said I should hang up and you'd call right back.

S.A.: Okay what I meant was I wanted the machine to get it, not you. I'm trying to check my messages.

Sunburst: You want me to just check them for you?

S.A.: No, thank you, but no. The last time you did that you erased all the messages, and our outgoing messages, and unplugged the lamp. Just let it ring, okay?

Sunburst: It's your world, I just live in it. (Hangs up, but the phone rings AGAIN) (Sunburst answers) Hello?

S.A.: SUNBURST!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD THAT YOU KEEP DOING THIS?!?!?! I NEED TO UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!

[Singe 2,109]

Maud Pie: I keep a collection of shapely stalagmites. This one looks like a......

Starlight Glimmer: *Blushes* Okay. Okay. You can put that one away.

Maud Pie: You can borrow it if you want.

Starlight Glimmer: No, that's okay. Please stop waving it in my face.

[Kings&Hooves14 616]

Celestia: Careful when exploring the palace, Twilight. Don't walk under the murder holes--they're connected to the toilets.

----

Victim: Why would you burn me at the stake? What have I done to deserve this?

Fluttershy: The night is dark and full of terrors...

----

Rarity: Many ponies don't know, but I run another very successful business. Just call me Madam Rarity. 

[Singe 2,109]

Cherry Jubilee: Hey there Applejack. 

Applejack: Hi, Cherry Jubilee. I even brought my brother Big Mac.

Cherry Jubilee: I thought I would never see you again, Cherry Chaser.

Big Mac: UH.............

Applejack: Do you two know each other?

Big Mac: *Sigh* Yep.

 

Starlight Glimmer: So you all go around making friends with others.

Mane 6: *Nod yes.*

Pinkie Pie: Best friends actually.

Applejack: We work hard to cater to their needs.

Rarity: There are times it calls for the most attractive outfits.

Twilight Sparkle: And we keep a list of everyone we worked with including their preferred friends.

Fluttershy: Though we haven't came up with a name for this whole thing.

Starlight Glimmer: You all sound like escort friends.

Rainbow Dash: Escort Friends. That sounds cool. Like how flying pegasus need an escort wing to watch out for them. I have to go tell every pony. *Rushes out the door.*

Twilight Sparkle: Great name. I'm sure you'll fit right in with us.

Starlight Glimmer: *Smile* Great. "Starlight Glimmer you thought you were past this part of your life and they drag you back in."

Edited August 9, 2017 by Singe

[碇 シンジン 27,427]

Let me take out the rubbish.

[Luigi 7,868]

(Shining Armor is doing a standup comedy in Manehattan)

Shining Armor: Three years ago, I bought a beetle. Not even thinking.

(Audience laughs)

S.A.: That's not the joke, shut up! 

(Audience laughs even louder)

S.A.: I wasn't thinking! I bought the car because it was affordable, economical brand new beetle for 17 grand, I was like "AHHH, First new car!" I go to show it off at my friend Martin's house. (Pronounced Mar-Teen) I thought it was nice, I pull up.

(S.A. Imitates noise of a car pulling up) 

S.A.: "MARTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!!" He lives in the hood, I don't get out of the car.

(Audience laughs)

S.A.: Across the street there are this gang members. Not the kind that go out doing stupid things, they just hang out on the porch and talk a lot of smack. So I'm there in a beetle, and I'm like "MARTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!" And over hear I hear. (Imitating Flim) "Orale!!"

(Audience laughs)

S.A.: "Hey! What's up, guys! Howzit going?" (Imitating Flim) "How'd you get in there?"

(Audience Laughs)

S.A.: "HURRY UP, MARTIN!" Two months later, I go back to pick him up. Now I've had some time to work on the car. I've put some rims on it, some stickers, I put a spell on the motor so it goes faster. I thought it was BAD, right? I pull up?

(S.A. Imitates a car pulling up again)

S.A.: "MARTIIIIIIIIIIIIN!" (Imitating Flim) ORALE!

(Audience laughs)

S.A.: Ah-Ah! I'm not turning around. (Flim) "HEY!" (Himself, shaking his head) Mmm-Mmm! (Flim) "HEY!" (Himself) I don't see you!

(Audience laughs)

S.A.: (As Flim) "YOO-HOO!" (Audience laughs, S.A. groans as himself) (Flim) "HEY!" (Himself) "Ugh, WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" (As Flim) "Check that out, eh? It's Sombra the Furious!"

(Audience laughs)

[Singe 2,109]

Cadance: This is our daughter Flurry Heart.

Celestia: She looks adorable.

Luna: Ugly little mutant.

Flurry Heart: *CRIES!*

 

Fluttershy: The animals just need a sanctuary where they'll be safe and can rest.

Twilight Sparkle: You mean your backyard.

Fluttershy: No.......maybe........yes.

Rainbow Dash: I just say throw them back into the woods and leave it to nature to take care of them.

Fluttershy: I can't do that, that's mean.

Rainbow Dash: Survival of the fittest.

Applejack: Besides, if a bear can figure out to take a shower and towel itself. It should be able to integrate into our society and get a job. Critters need to quit mooching off your kindness getting a free ride.

Fluttershy: No, they can't do that.

Applejack: You had a snake butler. They're not stupid.

[Derpy Derper 87]

Spike: *Walks into a royal's only dinner*

Celestia: Eh hem. 

Spike: Opps, sorry about that. *Gets out of the room*

 

 

[Singe 2,109]

Rarity: I met this guy on social media called Carlos Danger  He's sending me a picture right now.... OH MY GOD!

[cmarston1 5,952]

Season 5 finale alternate ending:

Twilight: We're pinned down!

Spike: I'm gonna draw her fire, you take her out.

Twilight: Spike no!

Spike: I love you

Spike: Come and get me you washed up magic school reject

Starlight begins to fire a blast of magic at Spike, when Twilight shots a blast at Starlight that puts a bubble around her head, containing the explosion.

The camera than pans out to show the charred remains of a crater where Starlight once stood.

Edited May 20, 2017 by cmarston1

[Kings&Hooves14 616]

Producer: So, Twilight. There is no easy way to say this--we're going to have to let you go.

Twilight: WHAT? I'm the main character! I'm the Princess of Friendship! You can't do this!

Producer: Look--sweetheart--you're just not selling enough toys! We've already found someone to replace you.

Twilight: It's Starlight, isn't it? I knew it! That conniving little...

Producer: No, no. Moon Dancer.

Moon Dancer: Hiya, Twilie! Karma's a bitch, ain't she? You really should have come to my party.

[Luigi 7,868]

(Shining Armor and Big McIntosh playing Mario Kart Wii. S.A. as Yoshi, and Big McIntosh as Mario)

Shining Armor: Ha Ha! Eat my dust, italian stereotypical plumber! (Laugh track as S.A. finishes in 1st place)

Big McIntosh: That ain't fair! Ah got stuck behind a tree! (Laugh track)

S.A. : And a cow, and a penguin!

(Laugh Track)

B.M: Ah just think ah need a little more practice.

S.A. : What you need is a classic controller, powerade, and to hope Princess Celestia gives advice to ponies who suck at Mario Kart.

(Laugh Track)

[Singe 2,109]

*Big Mac walks by Twilight and gives a death stare.*

Sci-Twilight Sparkle: Why does your brother give me that look every time I see him?

Applejack: Princess Twilight walked in on Big Mac while he was taking a shower. She pointed and compared him to his colt counterpart from Equestria. He was traumatized by that.

 

Diamond Tiara: Hello...*Toot toot.* Did I just tooted?

Silver Spoon: *Covering nose and nods.*

Sweetie Belle: Guess you can't say those two words you like to call us.

Diamond Tiara: What did you do? You cursed me.

Sweetie Belle: I didn't curse. Must be Princess Celestia having enough of that nasty language of yours.

Diamond Tiara: Why you.....

Applebloom: Careful, what you say in.....public.

Scootaloo: You don't want to test how far this can go.

Diamond Tiara: AHHHHHHHH! *Runs away.*

Edited May 22, 2017 by Singe

[Singe 2,109]

Twilight Sparkle: I'm sorry but you lost me when you sounded like you've suffered brain damage.

Edited May 24, 2017 by Singe

[Singe 2,109]

Rainbow Dash: Daring Do, you haven't written a book in a year. What's going on?

Daring Do: Rainbow Dash, I've discovered something troubling about Equestria's past.

Rainbow Dash: What is it?

Daring Do: The story about three pony tribes and the wendigos is all a lie

Rainbow Dash: What? You mean they don't exist.

Daring Do: Exactly. The real truth is that Equestria was composed of multiple pony tribes led by various warlords. It was a constant chaos war where many ponies didn't survive. Most of the tribes were wiped out by a coalition led by a deranged pony that ascended into an alicorn.

Princess Celestia: *Laughs.* So you've found out about crazy grand mama. Yes, she believed that it was her destiny to unite the warring factions and by force. A kingdom sometimes requires extreme measures to get started.

Rainbow Dash: Princess.

Daring Do: So what are you going to do?

Princess Luna: Nothing, extreme. Twilight would be suspicious if those books of yours just stop suddenly. So we're going to wipe your minds. Sis.

Princess Celestia: The world must never know.

 

Edited May 29, 2017 by Singe

[cmarston1 5,952]

Applejack: Apple Bloom there's something I need to tell you.

Apple Bloom: That you are my real mom and that Big Mac is my dad?

Applejack: 

Apple Bloom: What? Judging by the way you speak, I kinda just assumed that kinda thing was common in this family.

Applejack: 

[Hierok 11,829]

14 minutes ago, cmarston1 said:

Applejack: Apple Bloom there's something I need to tell you.

Apple Bloom: That you are my real mom and that Big Mac is my dad?

Applejack: 

Apple Bloom: What? Judging by the way you speak, I kinda just assumed that kinda thing was common in this family.

Applejack: You are a smart as hell. 

Edited June 1, 2017 by Hierok
Ap pl e ja ck

[cmarston1 5,952]

1 minute ago, Hierok said:

Applejack: You are a smart pony. 

Apple Bloom: Well I guess that explains why everyone in our family are earth ponies.  It was either that or Granny Smith is an earth pony supremacist.

[Hierok 11,829]

5 minutes ago, cmarston1 said:

Apple Bloom: Well I guess that explains why everyone in our family are earth ponies.  It was either that or Granny Smith is an earth pony supremacist.

Granny: I'm not, but it is true those other races are less important.

[Singe 2,109]

Spitfire: Rainbow Dash you really messed up big time. You exposed top secret information to unauthorized civilians.

Rainbow Dash: I'm sorry and I'll accept any punishment.

Spitfire: Execution at dawn.

Rainbow Dash: What?!

Spitfire: That's the law. Princess Celestia is very strict on these kinds of matters.

 

Twilight Sparkle: And that is how Rainbow Dash's career as a Wonderbolt ended.

Applejack: Twilight, you have a strange fixation of killing us off. It's creepy.

Edited June 10, 2017 by Singe

[cmarston1 5,952]

Twilight Sparkle: Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that tolerance and respect does not mean respecting intolerance.  Sometimes there are ponies out there who don't deserve your kindness or respect.

[Castle Bleck 19,167]

*One day, at the Crystal Empire...*

 

Discord (visiting Flurry Heart): *Conjures that Metal Gear box from Make New Friends But Keep Discord.* "You can make a box fort. See? Here's a box -- you can pretend it's a fort. ...Actually, that sounds like fun -- I want this!" *Gets in the box.* "...I'm king in here!"

 

Cadance: "...Discord, maybe Flurry would like to play fort, too."

 

Discord: "NO!" *Levitates the box -- with himself inside -- away.* "...If you need me, I'll be in space!"

[Singe 2,109]

Rover: Ya! Mule. *Slaps Rarity's flank.*

Rarity: You call me a mule and assault me! Trigger Warning! *Puts on a mask.*

Spot: Holy hole! She's one of those ponies!

Fido: Run!

Rarity: *War cry.*