critique wanted MLP Reboot Episode Outline

[Shine Runner 20]

I'm working on a pilot episode script for my own personal MLP reboot, because ya know what? I really enjoy  colourful horse creatures going on magic adventures where they kick butt and learn empathy and kindness. That is my JAM.

 

Anyways, I'm stuck on some parts of the outline/story, and I'm struggling to finish it!

 

Right now, I have a main character named Hopper who has to get rid of his Tantabus (a nightmare creature and spirit of self-harm that arose from Hopper's magic spells.) The pilot episode is about his journey through his fears, and the rewards that lay on the other side (friendship, acceptance, trust, support, etc.)

 

There are some key things I want to establish about the world Hopper inhabits as well, and how it differs from the original series.

 

Anyone have any suggestions? I have a Discord and Google doc, if you're interested in helping me create!

Edited June 19, 2020 by Shine Runner

[Sepul-Coloratura 756]

Are your series about friendship? If so, what friends Hopper have (or will have)?

Edited June 19, 2020 by Sepul-Coloratura

[Shine Runner 20]

9 hours ago, Sepul-Coloratura said:

Are your series about friendship? If so, what friends Hopper have (or will have)?

Yes it is! He will have 3 core friends and a few secondary friends. His 3 core friends will be a pegasus named Squeakers who takes care of bats, a unicorn designer named Shine Runner, and Inker Blink, a rubber hose toon pony that came to life from a comic book. His secondary friends are Dulcie the pink hippogriff, Tarsus the changeling, Sweetgrass the moose, and Grandma Veil.

Squeakers is very particular about how she likes things to go, and gets easily frazzled (for comic effect.) She is very plain and simple, and is often the voice of reason. Her goal is to take care of her bats, and some day see a day when bats are no longer feared and misunderstood. In her spare time, she cleans, plays the banjo, and grows unusual pumpkins.

Shine is very flamboyant and likes a challenge, always looking to give things an extra kick of pizzazz! This is in direct contrast to her cousin Squeakers, who she shares a house with. Her goal is to have her own fabulous night club and pet park in the village she lives in. Her favourite band is Draft Punk, and her favourite food is pesto. She loves dogs, and is trying to convince Squeakers to let her have one in the house.

Inker is a mischievous toon who often messes things up (though he means well.) He is very snappy and witty, and sometimes his crazy ideas aren't so crazy after all. When the going gets tough, Inker makes a point to stick by his friends and support them no matter what! He is very old-fashioned and surprisingly cultured.

Dulcet Dulse is a floofy pink hippogriff who communicates via facial expressions, pantomime, doodles, and ASL. She is a powerful opera singer who chooses to remain on vocal rest to conserve her beautiful voice. She also sells pink seaweed candy in the town square. Though she is very gullible and ditzy, she is also relentlessly kind and optimistic. When Dulcie needs to stand up for herself and her friends, she never hesitates!

Tarsus is a husband and father, and one of the village physicians. When he isn't taking care of his family or his patients, he enjoys photography, birdwatching, and beekeeping. He forms an unlikely friendship with Hopper after they argue over art.

Sweetgrass is a carnivorous moose ambassador from the Hucklemoose tribe. They came to Equestria with their dog, Softie, and their salmon plushie, Chinookums. Sweetgrass is going through lots of culture shock, but is always willing to exhange customs, traditions, and knowledge with their friends. Sweetgrass is fierce, protective, resourceful, and wise, but also a tad grumpy. Their favourite foods are salmon and huckleberries.

Grandma Veil is an elderly unicorn who lives in a retirement village with Princess Celestia and has a dark secret... she is actually the famous thief Wynken! Though she was never caught, she wonders if she should turn herself in as an old lady. She values her friendship with Celestia, and feels guilty about keeping such a big part of her life a secret. Hopper ends up giving her some much-needed help, in exchange for learning her invisibility spell. (It should also be noted that Vanish Veil is the grandmother of Squeakers and Shine)

[Sepul-Coloratura 756]

@Shine Runner You seem to have specific ideas for the characters.

My suggestion is in his adventure (or their adventure), his relationship with his friends contributes with the lesson he learns and solves the problem.

What I think the original Friendship is Magic's biggest key to success is the character archetypes. You mentioned friendship, trust, acceptamce etc, so maybe the friends should represent each one of those. The original MLP's pilot episode has a parallel structure for each main characters. It has a solid structure like the Infinity Gauntlet with gems (characters) to put in. Whether you follow the original show's structure or make your own, it has to have some kind of solid structure to introduce mostly everything important about the show. (If you have no structure, you should be compelled to write the shory so bad that you would instinctively write the story.)

I also suggest the core friends should be at least four, but that's just my suggestion, if you feel three is fine that's your decision.

I think the pilot episode should show who the characters are, what kind of world there is and what the show is all about / the theme. Most of them might be similar to MLP, but you should include your own ideas and differences, and the audiences should be able to enjoy it without knowing the original MLP.

Does Ponyville or the Mane Six, Celestia show up or are mentioned? You should decide if you are going to write a story for MLP fans or include non-fans. If it's for MLP fans, world building can be mostly skipped, people would like to see more references (and they might want to see the Mane Six instead of your original characters), you should connect the lore and when it happens. If it's also for non- fans, it could be just about colorful horses in rainbow village, just an alternative reality or minimalize the connection. Even so, you should count the original show and differentiate yours. Your show should have a legit merit on it's own even without the original MLP.

I think the original pilot resembles a child's playv and that's how Lauren Faust built the world and characters. I think you should be able to keep the story simple enought for everyone to understand, while being very enjoyable for everyone. And also, don't try to make it grim or edgy on purpose.

All of these are just my suggestions. If you want to ignore them, feel free to do so.

[Shine Runner 20]

On 6/19/2020 at 10:12 PM, Sepul-Coloratura said:

@Shine Runner You seem to have specific ideas for the characters.

My suggestion is in his adventure (or their adventure), his relationship with his friends contributes with the lesson he learns and solves the problem.

What I think the original Friendship is Magic's biggest key to success is the character archetypes. You mentioned friendship, trust, acceptamce etc, so maybe the friends should represent each one of those. The original MLP's pilot episode has a parallel structure for each main characters. It has a solid structure like the Infinity Gauntlet with gems (characters) to put in. Whether you follow the original show's structure or make your own, it has to have some kind of solid structure to introduce mostly everything important about the show. (If you have no structure, you should be compelled to write the shory so bad that you would instinctively write the story.)

I also suggest the core friends should be at least four, but that's just my suggestion, if you feel three is fine that's your decision.

I think the pilot episode should show who the characters are, what kind of world there is and what the show is all about / the theme. Most of them might be similar to MLP, but you should include your own ideas and differences, and the audiences should be able to enjoy it without knowing the original MLP.

Does Ponyville or the Mane Six, Celestia show up or are mentioned? You should decide if you are going to write a story for MLP fans or include non-fans. If it's for MLP fans, world building can be mostly skipped, people would like to see more references (and they might want to see the Mane Six instead of your original characters), you should connect the lore and when it happens. If it's also for non- fans, it could be just about colorful horses in rainbow village, just an alternative reality or minimalize the connection. Even so, you should count the original show and differentiate yours. Your show should have a legit merit on it's own even without the original MLP.

I think the original pilot resembles a child's playv and that's how Lauren Faust built the world and characters. I think you should be able to keep the story simple enought for everyone to understand, while being very enjoyable for everyone. And also, don't try to make it grim or edgy on purpose.

All of these are just my suggestions. If you want to ignore them, feel free to do so.

I think we are on the same page! That pretty much sums up exactly what I intend to do