Autumn Leaves

[PonySwagg 4]

I have spent a year or so writing novels, fanfics and short stories. This is my newest one, an attempt at a pony fic/short story. (In the future I plan on lengthening it and making it into a full story, but as of right now it's only a short story.)

 

Autumn Leaves

__________________________

 

 

The autumn leaves drift through the air slowly. Their descent is graceful, putting off a sense of wellbeing as if they were ready for this. Ready for their fall.

Branches swayed in the slight wind and the animals rested. A once busy forest, now calming itself into a deep sleep. There was nothing in the forest that stood out; everything was perfect. Every slight shift was noted within the forest, imprinting the time into the already fallen leaves.

 

Her breath was sharp and leaves crunched under her hooves as she sprinted along the trees.

Slowing, she glanced behind her. Nothing but the dense forest. She sighed heavily, her heart untangling. Taking cover underneath a large oak tree, she recalled the past days events. None good. The past week had been utter chaos.. a dissapointment so undeniable that her mind could not comprehend.

Yet.. she had endured. She fought her way out of the ruins of what was and left behind her life.

 

For what?

 

She didn't know the answer and she didn't care enough to figure it out. A slight fall rain began. Pattering on the leaves and the ground, exploding on impact. Her head bobbed and she slumbered underneath the wet oak tree.

 

A brilliant flash of lightning and the following thunder shook her out of her unconcious state. The rain fell heavily now in large, thick beads.

Glancing around, she remembered the events that occured merely hours ago. A single tear slid down her drenched face. Sobbing, she rose to her hooves. Trees swayed viciously in the bone-cutting wind and they seemed to threaten her.

Thunder rolled through the forest. Lightning breifly flashed illuminating the orange leaves and the black as night sky.

Her usually puffy and thick silver mane was matted to her back. Mud coated her entire body as she splashed through the puddles in the forest and her sobs became more abundant, nearly breaking into a full cry. She just wanted to get away as far as possible from the place she left.

 

 

~

[Legendary Emerald 622]

First thing I thought of when I read the title was the song

. Probably just a coincidence, though.

 

For only having been writing stories for about a year, this is pretty good progress. There are still some basic concepts that you need to learn, though.

 

Your tense changes from the first paragraph to the second. The first paragraph is in present tense, while everything else is past tense. I'm guessing you used present tense for the first paragraph in an attempt to be artful, but really it's only distracting, and doesn't send a good first message to the reader. If you think the present tense must absolutely be kept for those first few sentences, I'd suggest formatting it differently within the story; perhaps by placing it in italics and align it in the middle of the page, so that it looks clearly different from anything else, and doesn't look like a mistake.

 

On the subject of formatting, there are a couple of errors in what you've posted. Only every other paragraph has a blank line separating paragraphs. Either have no spaces between paragraphs, or spaces between all paragraphs. And whichever method you go with, indentation is a must. Though in this case you probably copy-pasted the fic from a word document, and the indentation was just lost in the transfer, so I'll give that a pass.

 

Finally, there's a bit more "telling" in your story than necessary. For descriptions of the environment, that's is fine. But for describing events in a story, it is uninteresting at best, and redundant at worst. Unless you are writing in first person, or your character has her own "thought bubbles" (meaning her thoughts are included in parenthesis and italicize/otherwise distinguished from normal dialogue), the reader should not explicitly know what your character is thinking or feeling. It is better if the reader has to infer what is going on from character's actions, appearance, and the environment alone. Remember: fiction is largely a visual medium; it just relies on the readers to form the image themselves, based on the text you've written.

 

These are all generally accepted writing rules. I know for a fact that authors attempting to be featured on Equestria Daily must follow, because my first story was rejected the first time I submitted it, and only go featured after many months of editing and re-writing.

 

Not all successful commercial authors will follow these basic rules; just the fact that you've written the way you have shows the kind of writing you've been exposed to the most. But just because somebody else jumped off a cliff and managed to land on a nice cozy pillow of good public reception doesn't mean you will be so lucky. Besides, do you want your story to be considered good by an audience IN SPITE of the quality of its prose? Or do you want your story to be considered good because it tells a good story and it tells it well? The answer should be clear if you have any real passion for writing.

 

For a newcomer to writing, you aren't as bad as many I've come across before. But you have a lot of room to grow. Keep trying, keep making mistakes, and listen to those who try to help you out. Do this, and you'll steadily progress and become a better writer.

Edited September 11, 2012 by Legendary Emerald

[PonySwagg 4]

First thing I thought of when I read the title was the song

. Probably just a coincidence, though.

 

For only having been writing stories for about a year, this is pretty good progress. There are still some basic concepts that you need to learn, though.

 

Your tense changes from the first paragraph to the second. The first paragraph is in present tense, while everything else is past tense. I'm guessing you used present tense for the first paragraph in an attempt to be artful, but really it's only distracting, and doesn't send a good first message to the reader. If you think the present tense must absolutely be kept for those first few sentences, I'd suggest formatting it differently within the story; perhaps by placing it in italics and align it in the middle of the page, so that it looks clearly different from anything else, and doesn't look like a mistake.

 

On the subject of formatting, there are a couple of errors in what you've posted. Only every other paragraph has a blank line separating paragraphs. Either have no spaces between paragraphs, or spaces between all paragraphs. And whichever method you go with, indentation is a must. Though in this case you probably copy-pasted the fic from a word document, and the indentation was just lost in the transfer, so I'll give that a pass.

 

Finally, there's a bit more "telling" in your story than necessary. For descriptions of the environment, that's is fine. But for describing events in a story, it is uninteresting at best, and redundant at worst. Unless you are writing in first person, or your character has her own "thought bubbles" (meaning her thoughts are included in parenthesis and italicize/otherwise distinguished from normal dialogue), the reader should not explicitly know what your character is thinking or feeling. It is better if the reader has to infer what is going on from character's actions, appearance, and the environment alone. Remember: fiction is largely a visual medium; it just relies on the readers to form the image themselves, based on the text you've written.

 

These are all generally accepted writing rules. I know for a fact that authors attempting to be featured on Equestria Daily must follow, because my first story was rejected the first time I submitted it, and only go featured after many months of editing and re-writing.

 

Not all successful commercial authors will follow these basic rules; just the fact that you've written the way you have shows the kind of writing you've been exposed to the most. But just because somebody else jumped off a cliff and managed to land on a nice cozy pillow of good public reception doesn't mean you will be so lucky. Besides, do you want your story to be considered good by an audience IN SPITE of the quality of its prose? Or do you want your story to be considered good because it tells a good story and it tells it well? The answer should be clear if you have any real passion for writing.

 

For a newcomer to writing, you aren't as bad as many I've come across before. But you have a lot of room to grow. Keep trying, keep making mistakes, and listen to those who try to help you out. Do this, and you'll steadily progress and become a better writer.

 

Okay, thanks for the criticism and yes. I did import it from a document and forgot to go back and indent. My mistake. I'll attempt to improve on the things you listed and i'll check back here later. ;D