[Open] Feedback for your OC for Roleplaying!

[Inactive01 5,299]

Announcement: I will regularly open and close this thread! Queue limits are 5 OCs. You are only allowed to submit ONE OC at a time for review so everyone gets a chance!

 

ANNOUNCEMENT: I AM ON HIATUS UNTIL NEXT WEEK WHEN I AM DONE FINALS.

 

Hello all,

 

I want to give feedback to your OCs! If you want someone to evaluate your OC and provide Constructive Criticism on your OC, this is the thread to go! I'll rate your OC in three things, all out of 10!

 

1. Appearance: Colour Choice, Mane, Body, Eyes, you name it! I'll give my honest opinion on your OC's appearance and suggest ways for improvement.
2. Backstory: I feel that one of the main purposes of OCs is for roleplaying, and they rely HEAVILY on backstories. Every person/pony has a UNIQUE backstory. If I feel your backstory is cliche and not very original, I'll mark you down. Nevertheless, I'll suggest positively ways you can improve your OC. I will not flame your OC.
3. Personality: There's two parts to this: talent and character. What is your OC like now? I will not only evaluate the now, but also the potential for character development in the future. Roleplaying requires character development. This ties with backstory because often times, personality is rooted from a character's background. 

Well, what are you waiting for? Let me see your OCs!

 

NOTE: If you have any comments or questions about my review towards your OC, feel free to express them. I'll try my best to get to them ASAP. 

 

My Waiting List:

1. Ruby Inkheart Rose
2. Red Pegasus
3. Shadow Dub
4. News Runner

OCs I have Marked:

 

NOTE: If I have placed an arrow on your OC and placed a mention to you, it means that I have recommended your OC's backstory to allow others to see how they can make a better OC in general.

1. Minty Wintergreen
2. Mythos Grey     <----------- @EquestrianScholar
3. Monkshood      <------------ @Nomadic
4. Dark Opal
5. Tempest Sol
6. Blue Moon
7. Gatasubal
8. Golden Dawn
9. Starbeam
10. Mr. Critical
11. Nephthys Nightshade
12. Rock Thatcher
13. Maestro Nepenthes
14. Silverhoof Shadowbane
15. Blazing Hoof
16. Unknown/New Moon
17. Bladed Hearts
18. Lyrical Verses
19. Mason
20. Truffletop
21. Orion
22. Winterglade
23. Summerfall
24. Yoyo                      <-----------@Starshine
25. Starshine
26. Harmonic Revelations <----@Harmonic Revelations
27. Standoff
28. Red Alert
29. Shadow Lux
30. Harmony Spark   <------------@Harmony Spark
31. Zaptrik
32. Greyhawk
33. Roulette
34. Stephan (Blasted Nova)
35. RiverHaze
36. Scarlet Beat
37. Camou Flage
38. Franklyn Solstice
39. Rising Star
40. Black Heart
41. Black Light
42. Nitro Spark
43. Doctor Electron Volt
44. Sunny Caramel
45. Sidesplitter
46. Subject888
47. Rocket
48. Pixie Dust
49. Shadow Footsteps
50. Ariel                        <-------------------- @Miss Reaper
51. Tenebris
52. Inkblot
53. Evening Glory        <-------------------- @Budding Night
54. Golden Spike
55. Pastel Sketch
56. Vokun
57. Chain Mail
58. Fortune Flair
59. Choco Delight
60. Kel
61. Dark Dawn
62. Fallen Star
63. Keypassion
64. Orion Skies
65. SSMan
66. Artsy Dreamscapes
67. Night Song
68. Troubled Soul
69.  

 

Marking Criteria in Detail:

 

 

Appearance: 

• 0-2. Your OC's colours don't blend well together, the OC was very poorly drawn, and your OC's appearance doesn't match their personality at all. Almost impossible for me to give this.
• 3-5. You don't have a picture and based on your description it would be hard for me to imagine your OC. In most cases this grade will not be official by any means. Getting a picture will do wonders to get out of this score.
• 6-8. A normal looking OC by all means. Nothing too special, but still fits the OC's characteristics pretty well. Maybe the colours didn't blend as well as I liked, but the character still looks ok nevertheless.
• 9-10. Simply stunning. You/your artist is amazing. They match what you intended for your OC to convey, and I can imagine them really well in a roleplay setting.

 

 

 

 

 

Backstory:

• 0-2. Incoherent backstory. Very unreadable backstory that makes understanding the OC impossible. Poor grammar, spelling, and no sense of effort was placed to helping readers imagine your OC's life. 
• 3-4. The basics of the backstory are there, but there needs to be a lot more consideration to making your OC's backstory better. A lack of detail is placed that makes your backstory very unoriginal and plain. The foundations are often there, but not much was built on top of it. Contradictions also exist in different facets of the story that makes character development move in either a standstill or a circle. The story's probably too unoriginal too. Lots of cliches that prevent your OC from being YOUR OC.
• 5-6. You're starting to make a better backstory at this stage, but some details still need clarification. There may also be contradictions in your OC's story that needs clearing, but it's not too significant as to cause major damage to what you're trying to do. Your backstory may also be somewhat uninspiring at this stage in my opinion. Or maybe it just doesn't fit Equestrian canon very well.
• 7-8. Solid backstory. You thought it out well, but something's still missing. The sense of originality. Maybe the story wasn't very original. Maybe the story needed some more literary elements or symbols that better link your OC's story to his character development or his background. Nevertheless, at this stage, it would still be a good backstory that provides elements of detail and at the same time provides room for development at a future roleplay or fanfic.
• 9-10. Very few times will I give this. You thought this out for a REALLY long time. Everything's there and there's also originality. The elements of surprise, detail, and clarity are apparent. It's so epic that you have no excuse to make a bad fanfic or roleplay poorly.

 

 

 

 

 

Personality:

• 0-2. I don't know where you're going with their personality. Very unreadable. Poor grammar, spelling, and very little effort was placed to helping users imagine how the character would act in different situations.
• 3-4. The character's basic personality traits are there, but not much more. I still can't really imagine the OC reacting to different situations that well. Their personality still needs ironing out at this stage and much more thought. Not much thought was given to why they have those traits either because there isn't much room to do so. Basically, a very typical personality and not much by the way of originality.
• 5-6. Getting better, but something's still missing. The traits that make the character who they are exist, but not much thought on why they act in certain ways is presented. Some originality exists, but it wasn't executed to perfection. Slight more original, but not well explained which prevents the OC from better standing out.
• 7-8. I like your personality traits. They make the OC unique and they respond well to certain situations. Often times people make it short but sweet but at the same time I can imagine the OC reacting to different situations in unique ways. Originality also exists by way of creating perks, fears, or having certain special items that they hold dear. It makes them more like them at this stage. Nevertheless, some polishing may still be required to achieve the best your OC can be.
• 9-10. Simply flawless. I love their personality, I love how unique they are, and I can see them fit in perfectly in any setting and still be unique. If you don't roleplay your character's traits, it would be completely your own fault at this point.

 

 

Edited January 5, 2014 by Sterling Crimson

[Ihei 712]

Pick me first! Pick me! ME!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_OTd9AFmoY

 

Heh, anyway..

 

Can you review my OC, Minty..? Please take your time and give me a 100% honest review. Dishonest, kind reviews aren't that useful.. (( Review the actual link, by the way, not the Equestrian World one. ))

[Inactive01 5,299]

 

Sorry if it seems like I take forever to post evaluations. I like to make them as complete as possible. Well, here goes my first evaluation!

 

Appearance: One of the first things I noticed about your OC was due to your signature. Her minty body and her pink mane. They were definite pluses for first impressions. Right from your OC's picture and name I could already infer that she must be linked to mint in some way and that she has cuteness and curiosity (well, after reading your backstory, I wasn't sure about the curiosity part, but more on that later) in her essence. I like how you gave her a combination of white and pink on your OC's mane and tail to provide some more variety in her appearance. Purple eyes also add to her character. Nonetheless, try experimenting with other eye colours. Maybe you'll find a better one.

 

When I checked out your character profile page, I noticed that you said her wings were fluffy. There's a whole sorts of fluffy, like clouds, cotton candy, pillows... What type of fluffy is it? How does it make her... her? Maybe you could say based on your backstory that her fluffy wings give her an advantage to giving her fellow ponies comfort because of how fluffy they are. That's just an example though. You can come with something better for sure!

                    Score: 8.5/10

 

Backstory: Your backstory is vague... I mean, it's not bad to not divulge on details in order to improvise on them during your roleplaying experiences. However, you mention different facets of your backstory that are really left up in the air. Unless that was deliberate, maybe you could elaborate on that.

 

For example, you mention that Minty "had a sad past". From the last paragraph however, you mentioned that her parents are very loving yet overprotective. I was able to infer that it could be linked to her lack of friends; she was called a "loner". Maybe you could reword the second paragraph of your backstory by connecting the two better. 

 

Also, you mentioned that she's stayed with her parents all her life, and yet you mention later that she's moved out. Was there a rift between Minty and her parents at some point? Why did she move out if she's stayed with her parents all her life? That could be really important for your OC's character development at any roleplay. 

 

Finally, you mention that Minty's an only foal. So... why did you mention that they had a newborn which caused them to leave Equestria? Maybe you could reword it by saying, "She thinks she's an only foal, but in reality, she never knew that soon after she moved out, her parents gave birth to a foal and left Equestria soon after." Then you could add the bit where Minty's never known whether she had siblings or not. 

 

In conclusion, there's lots of potential, like the fact she helped a homeless pony in Ponyville, but your backstory's got holes to fill because you mentioned facts about her life that aren't clarified by details. 

                   Score: 7/10

 

Personality: She's shy and yet she's not a doormat. Ok. That's because her parents taught her to do this. Very good. I like the connection you made between the backstory and personality. However, you mention that she's especially frightened of stallions? You never mention why. Is it also because of her parents? If so, you can reword it like this: "She's also frightened of everything, especially stallions, also a result of her parents being overprotective towards her." or something along those lines. 

 

Also, I'm sorry, but I don't really understand this section:  

"She has a really weird temper. She sometimes lets her other side of her take over, since she can get jealous and depressed easily. Her other side can be deathly, and jerky."

Are you trying to elaborate on her temper? If so, then it would alleviate the sentences slightly. Also, is her "other side" the fact she gets jealous and depressed, which can be deadly and jerky? Then you can reword it like this: "One has to watch carefully for her "other side". It's easy for her to get jealous and depressed, and when she does, it is sudden and deadly..." 

 

Finally, if your pony has a pet peeve or a quirk, I suggest you elaborate on why that is the case. For example, you mention that Minty hates ponies who litter. Why? Is she just like that? I doubt it... If you wish to leave that in the air, that's fine. you can improvise something as you roleplay along. Also, you can reword that part like this: "Minty especially hates ponies who litter and ponies who betray her..."

 

Overall, I like where you're going with her personality. It can stand to be more original, but that can be alleviated by explaining why she has certain quirks that make her her. 

 

EDIT: One last thing! I noticed that your OC looks curious on your signature and character profile page. Care to add some curiosity in her personality?

                 Score: 8/10

Edited August 17, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[GreyScholar 1,584]

Mythos Gray is a Canterlot unicorn, an entertainer and traveling storyteller by trade. He is my main OC, who could make an interesting hero, ally, or even an antagonist: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/mythos-gray-main-setting-r1487

Edited August 17, 2013 by EquestrianScholar

[Nomadic 210]

I'm always up for a review of my my character, http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/monkshood-r4031. It would be greatly appreciated if you could find the time to review the little guy.

Edited August 17, 2013 by Nomadic

[Inactive01 5,299]

@EquestrianScholar

 

Appearance: White. Suave. Confident. I like it. His appearances intertwines with his personality well. He even looks fit, supporting what you mentioned in the appearance section. The grey and white blend also represents a sense of purity, of perfection. I can already begin to imagine the inherent symbolism within your colour choices. The fact he's a unicorn can also represent the elite and the privileged, which he clearly conveys when he keeps up his appearance. Great looking OC, great start with my evaluation.

           Score: 10/10

 

Backstory: You, my friend, have placed a lot of thought into your backstory. His parental life, his search for his cutie mark, and even love interests. It's practically a detailed summary from a novel! I'm impressed! On the second last paragraph though, I struggled through some of the backstory because of poor diction and synthax. I eventually understood where you were going with it, but not without a struggle. For example, 

 

"Now Mythos had not gone out of his way to hide his activities from Stardream but neither did he ever go into details on them. Partly because even he knew he was at times working for ponies who were not of good character. Who wanted him to give them the means to cause trouble for others and bring themselves up."

 

I would reword this as, "Even though Mythos rarely divulged on the details of his activities to Stardream, he made sure she knew it well enough as to not provide grounds for inquiry. He didn't want Stardream to know that at times, he worked for ponies who wanted him to give them the means to cause trouble for others and bring themselves up the social ladder."

 

Nonetheless, the last bit of the backstory was a welcome contrast to how perfect your OC sounded (more on your perfect OC in personality). He was so high class, so hard working, and very talented at many things. Of course his focus was a storytelling ability that rivals even Hemmingway and the literary greats, but he had many other talents as well. You clarified his story to the best of your abilities and that deserves a thumbs up. Nonetheless, there is room for improvement as you can be benefited by proofreading by a peer.

       Score: 9/10

 

Personality: This is where I want to get to the primary concern that plagues your OC. He just seems too perfect. He has so many good qualities that I wonder where his perks are. Every character has something that makes them... them! Your character's missing that. Sure he has an epic backstory, but it's not enough to make him HIM. He needs quirks. Characteristics that make your character stand out from others. Some weaknesses is a good start, like what you did with Stardream. You also continued on that with his experiences abroad. Why did he grow tired of traveling? What did he learn in his travels? If you intended to leave this up in the air as you roleplay, that's completely fine! Just keep that in mind as you roleplay because I want you aware that your character has a lot of room for development. 

 

You started well with his manipulative nature, but... could you delve deeper into that? Maybe get rid of the fact he constrains himself from excessive manipulation. Why is he manipulative? What made him manipulative? Did he realize his manipulation skills abroad? Or was he manipulated by another pony at one point? By his looks he could very well have a manipulative nature about him! It's great room for character development! If you don't wish to delve deeper into that however, you can consider pet peeves and other characteristics that can make him stand out more.

 

Overall, your OC's great. But I would like it if he had more traits that make him who he is. Right now, he sounds like the prototypical storyteller and nearly a jack of many trades. How about adding different emotional dimensions? You didn't do much of that other than his love experience with Stardream.

          Score: 8/10

Edited August 17, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[GreyScholar 1,584]

Well one thing that has come to develop is that he is a flankchaser and a flirt, which I would have cause him trouble. Also in more grimdark settings he would have lost a family thus being a large part of the reason why he'd have commitment issues.

 

All in all though I definitely think you're evaluation of my character is fair and it is something I will consider in making him better. Also the grey color of his coat is actually more symbolic of the color of his morality.

-----------------

 

Next up is Golden Dawn, a pegasus that has had the opportunity to recently become a royal guard and follow in the footsteps of his father: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/golden-dawn-r4180

Edited August 18, 2013 by EquestrianScholar

[Inactive01 5,299]

@Nomadic

(OOC: Keep them coming fellow forum members! I'm surprised I don't see you guys in roleplaying. Some of your OCs have A LOT of potential as an epic character for roleplaying!)

 

Appearance: His name is Monkshood, the queen of poisons according to Wikipedia. Nice plant reference. I like that in names. Says that your OC's a botanist. Botanists... don't see too many of those in here. Original. New. Inventive. But there's a twist! He works at an apothecary! Even rarer! Even better! . He carries a saddlebag filled with plants and concoctions of all kinds! Adds to the imagery. And don't forget the characteristic saddle he never leaves without! Nice perk by the way. A cutie mark that symbolizes a nomadic nature... the name of your username. Coincidence? I think not. I like this very much. His ruffled crimson mane and cream body. Screams a down-to-Earth pony. All these characteristics blend very well to make a handsome, hard-working OC. 

           Grade: 9.8/10

 

Backstory: Something seems off. His parents lived a nomadic existence, and yet Monkshood already stabilized himself by setting up an apothecary and a small greenhouse. Where's the nomadic existence in that? His cutie mark represents his lack of a true home, and yet he's already placed himself in a business? Ooh I know! How about you add the fact that it's a wandering apothecary shop? The local greenhouse would be his temporary abode... his only means of what little essence of "home" he has. Other than that, he wanders through Equestria, selling elixirs and potions of all kinds... Some ponies say many things about the rugged crimson mared pony, but either way, everyone knows... he is never at one place for too long...

 

What I'm saying is that you should develop on his nomadic nature more; his cutie mark already represents that! You make it seem as if he's already stabilized at one place, removing the notion of a wandering existence... what is home... where does he feel safe? His greenhouse? It can only last so long... Add some mystery and intrigue there, and you'll have an even more magical OC...

         Grade: 8.8/10

 

Personality: He is not a sociable pony. Adds to his mysterious nature... Oohh.... Aah... You add to his eccentric nature... the ponies continue to rumour... to incite mystery... Nonetheless, he is a very trusting pony, maybe overly so because of his nomadic existence... Reminds me of the Native Americans when they first met the Europeans in the 16th century... Not to offend them by any means! That's how it happened in history! All in all, your character's personality really adds to his isolation... his eccentricity... his wandering... Me like. 

         Grade: 10/10

 

Overall, your character has a lot of room for development when you roleplay. For any roleplay, you can add all sorts of back stories that develop his character of isolation. Maybe he learns that some ponies are manipulative. Or maybe deep down he longs for a home... a permanent place of rest. Maybe he even dreams of having a mare support him as he works. That maybe would make his nomadic existence... less nomadic. 

Edited August 18, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[Drago Ryder 641]

Do you mind reviewing my OC, Dark Opal. You may also need to read a few of my other OC submissions to fully understand her.

[Inactive01 5,299]

It looks like I've placed myself in quite a bind right now. I've already made three extremely detailed reviews of OCs right now. I think I'll stop there for today because I have roleplaying to catch up on. I'll try coming back to them tomorrow morning!

[Nomadic 210]

@@Sterling Crimson

 

Thanks for the kind words, and the nice well thought-out detailed review. I appreciate your effort and feedback with my character, and actually find myself agreeing with many of the points you made on my characters backstory. I will start to tinker around with it a bit later and hopefully improve upon it. Thank you again for the effort you put into your review.

[Blue Moon 6,341]

Could I get a review for my main OC, Blue Moon? His link can be found below. Thanks in advance!

 

Here is the wonderful link for him:

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/blue-moon-r2808

Edited August 18, 2013 by Blue Moon

[Inactive01 5,299]

Screw what I said before, I can try to review some other OCs. 

@EquestrianScholar

 

Appearance: I really appreciate drawings of OCs. It helps me provide the justice needed for an appraisal of appearance. Nonetheless, I'll try my best now. A golden yellow coat. Represents courage and a new day. Hope in the midst of darkness. Good for your OC because of his courageous nature and the fact he's a part of the Royal Guard. Woah... He looks like some epic samurai... The cutie mark is also nice. The sun representing his strength. After all, the sun is the provider of life.

               Score: 9/10

 

Backstory: Another detailed one for me to read. Oohh... father is part of the royal guard. That explains how this OC got in. Oh,

Now Red Blaze happened to be royal guard not in Canterlot and as such had to leave his home and family from time to time. Some suggested that he move his family to Canterlot so he had more time to spend with his wife and son yet his his calm manner he always explained that he and his wife had grown up in the town and it wouldn't feel right leaving. 

 

Is Red Blaze the royal guard in Canterlot? That would explain why some of the ponies suggested he move his family to Canterlot. I just wanted to make sure the word "not" was a typo. You did a good job explaining the roots of your OC's desires and aspirations to become part of the Royal Guard. The admiration for Princess Celestia is a great way to develop either admiration for her actions or his anger at her for destroying all that is Equestrian (make Celestia changeling in disguise in an RP, or make Celestia tyrannical for example).  

 

Aww... you didn't go further on the friendship that was Raven Feather and Golden Dawn. Too bad. One thing's for sure. If you want to develop that story a bit more, you've got a good place to start over there. Maybe Golden could develop a crush but get friendzoned by Raven Feather. Or... you could do something better than that for a roleplay. It's up to you. 

 

Like your last OC, you need someone to read over and fix any typos you may have. The example I showed you above is just one of a plethora of typos you have. Other than that, it's a good backstory. Like I said previously, a backstory should also have room for questions... what happens there? Can I develop this part of the story better in a roleplay? Like I said previously, you provided room for that by toying around with his admiration for Princess Celestia. I can also see a lot of room for development by providing insight of Golden Dawn's tenure in the Royal Academy. You could place a less than... desirable experience that serves room for a weakness of his. Just a suggestion.

 

Your backstory has many good things that provide room for character development. The above were just some examples as to how you can incorporate that into a roleplay. Nonetheless, you could add to it by adding some weaknesses of his (more detail in personality).

            Score: 8/10

 

Personality: Your personality section is surprisingly short. It seems like he's already developed himself pretty well. Any quirks? Any negative traits? It seems like he's already learned to mature from them. You should provide room for personality to mature over time through a roleplay, and that starts by thinking of less than desirable facets of his character. Ever considered lust? That can get to work between him and Raven Feather or some other mare. Or... you could have some scandal that involves your OC in the Royal Academy. Make it so that it occurred because of his weakness. Either way, weaknesses are really important in a character for development. It provides room for maturation. 

 

The fact he's idealistic isn't enough. What sort of ideal does he want? Maybe it's something that can't be attainable... Or maybe it is, but it would need a hell lotta determination from him! Either way, you can stand to elaborate on that.

           Score: 6.5/10

Edited August 18, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[Literally Snails 2,307]

Do You think you could do one without a picture? I'm a writer, not an artist. http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/program-gatasubal-r2557

 

As a side note, Gatasubal means "Spectral Steel Beast"

[Inactive01 5,299]

 

Appearance: It seems you have taken a huge step away from ponyhood in your OC. Very original to start. Ooh... a lonely egg in a lonely world... The world of adoption awaited this dragon. She is a very nice looking dragon by the way. She looks much kinder than other dragons, which is a good start because you mention that she has a heart of gold.

            Score: 8/10

 

Backstory: An adoption story. It just seems... typical to me. Can you find some way to make it more unique? Maybe you can manifest the love she feels towards her adopted ones (ie Tempest and Ivy). After she leaves the family, she wonders about the love she received as a baby dragon. Where were her original parents? Why was she brought up by ponies? Why did they love her so much? These questions you can pose, but don't have to answer in a backstory. Leave the readers hanging so they can see the roleplays you're involved in! Maybe the answers will be found there! And that's just one example! I'm sure you can expand it even further!

            Score: 6/10

 

Personality: Even shorter than your backstory. There's so much room for development. Your dragon is a character in herself! She has reasons she is herself! How is she imaginative and smart? What did she do to merit such a placement? This too ties in with your backstory. You can develop a story that supports why she is the way she is. Go for it! I can understand why she is shy around everyone but her parents though. A good implied connection there. You also mentioned that she learns loyalty from Tempest. Good start, but how? What did Tempest do to teach her loyalty? That too can be added to your backstory. 

 

All in all, your OC has a lot of potential, but it's not being tapped. Dragons are a wonderful move away from the typical pony OC. But it needs to be done with the same level of thought. You need to consider deeper as to why your OC is unique. What makes her her? How does it develop? What ways can I allow my character to develop through a roleplay and thus add it to my character profile?

           Score: 6/10

Edited August 18, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[GreyScholar 1,584]

Thank you, I will look into finding someone that can help me with basic editing and having my character bios flow more smoothly.

--------------

 

She has not yet been added to the site though I do plan on doing so soon. I will provide a link to my deviantArt Journal but so you don't have to go searching for her I will PM you Stardream's bio. A pegasus astrologer with a very interesting talent that she has yet to fully understand: http://fellmoon.deviantart.com/journal/246609683/#journal

[Drago Ryder 641]

 

Appearance: It seems you have taken a huge step away from ponyhood in your OC. Very original to start. Ooh... a lonely egg in a lonely world... The world of adoption awaited this dragon. She is a very nice looking dragon by the way. She looks much kinder than other dragons, which is a good start because you mention that she has a heart of gold.

            Score: 8/10

 

Backstory: An adoption story. It just seems... typical to me. Can you find some way to make it more unique? Maybe you can manifest the love she feels towards her adopted ones (ie Tempest and Ivy). After she leaves the family, she wonders about the love she received as a baby dragon. Where were her original parents? Why was she brought up by ponies? Why did they love her so much? These questions you can pose, but don't have to answer in a backstory. Leave the readers hanging so they can see the roleplays you're involved in! Maybe the answers will be found there! And that's just one example! I'm sure you can expand it even further!

            Score: 6/10

 

Personality: Even shorter than your backstory. There's so much room for development. Your dragon is a character in herself! She has reasons she is herself! How is she imaginative and smart? What did she do to merit such a placement? This too ties in with your backstory. You can develop a story that supports why she is the way she is. Go for it! I can understand why she is shy around everyone but her parents though. A good implied connection there. You also mentioned that she learns loyalty from Tempest. Good start, but how? What did Tempest do to teach her loyalty? That too can be added to your backstory. 

 

All in all, your OC has a lot of potential, but it's not being tapped. Dragons are a wonderful move away from the typical pony OC. But it needs to be done with the same level of thought. You need to consider deeper as to why your OC is unique. What makes her her? How does it develop? What ways can I allow my character to develop through a roleplay and thus add it to my character profile?

           Score: 6/10

 

Thank you for the input. Could you also do a review for Tempest's page. Something tells me that you might like it.

[GreyScholar 1,584]

Also here's a picture I had drawn for Golden Dawn but have not added to the bio as it is more for my Equestria Divided roleplay: http://mlpforums.com/uploads/0e479b9e189f2ff90fb60548df71bcb6.jpg

 

All three of my ponies: http://asinglepetal.deviantart.com/art/Commission-Fellmoon-383106385

Edited August 18, 2013 by EquestrianScholar

[Mr. Critical 434]

I could use some feed back on mine. He's a work in progress, but I like the premise and where I could go with it.

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/mr-critical-r3994

[Inactive01 5,299]

@Blue Moon

Finally I get to you! Still have 4 outstanding reviews... I did NOT expect my services to garner THIS much popularity.

 

Appearance: A Blue Moon... The dark blue sky that represents the transition from Earth to space...  his frown and closed mouth represents his shyness and quiet disposition. A unicorn, one of intelligence. Represents your pony's intelligence towards the celestial beings. Seams well with your OC's personality and backstory, so I don't have many complaints. Colourations are also plain, but that fits your OC well. You do not need extravagant colours if your OC's nature does not merit it.

           Score: 9/10

 

Backstory: First off, if you're creative enough, ANY backstory can fit into a roleplay. If not, you can just forego the roleplay and wait for a roleplay that can fit. Don't place limits on yourself. In literature and fiction, you can go anywhere with enough creativity and connection. Now, for the backstory. His life seems perfectly normal. Great room for lots of disturbances. That's the thing. You want to provide your OC enough room for character development. In your case, you make it seem like your OC's troubles are already wiped away. It doesn't provide much for roleplaying experiences unless you indeed discarded it, which you indeed posed at the end of the profile. At the same time, you can very well go deeper... maybe... within the stability of life, there is an instability, a conflict... maybe... something happens between Blue and Spearmint. Maybe Spearmint has to leave them regularly because her job involves that sort of traveling. You never really go any deeper into Spearmint, so maybe you can pose a conflict there, but it's your choice.

 

For now, I'll just say that your OC's gonna live a very peaceful life that won't pose for much unless you snuck deeper and deeper into his past life. Maybe you can delve deeper into his past. Bullying issues? Bouts of addiction towards something that slows him down even in his passion towards astronomy? If you don't wish to go this dark, that's fine. You just need something where you can play around with your character more so that your backstory holds better.

           Score: 6.5/10

 

Personality: His cutie mark represents astronomy. Another departure away from the typical DJ OC. You know... people often say that DJ OCs are VERY cliche, but none of these reviews involve DJ OCs. A shout out to you all (including you Blue Moon)! You say he's wonderful at astronomy. What does astronomy need? It needs precision, perfection, and detail. You can say he has all that because of his talent in astronomy! You made a good start of that when you mention his obstinacy. That is a weakness of his! Great job! You gave him a perk! Keep it up! Think of more things! Is he a perfectionist? Does he always seek scientific answers to everything? Does he have a sense of faith? Or has his stable led him to a dull, thinking that everything works because of natural processes? Ooh... So much potential! Me like!

 

I like how you link a small moment of time with his shy and quiet disposition. One small criticism. He dreams of being Luna's assistant, but it never happens? Come on! Why not have find a roleplay that can let him fulfill his dream, even if a small internship?! Never close off doors based on your choices. Door should only be closed when the roleplay situation prevents it.

            Score: 7.5/10

 

Your personality and backstory sections should provide detail, which it does. However, what's missing is that you're closing doors for your OC to travel, when in a fictional world, anything can happen if it serves a good purpose/theme that you wish to develop. Why not help Blue Moon fulfill his dream of being Luna's assistant? It shows that dreams can come true (sounds cheesy, but that's still a possibility). 

Edited August 18, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[--Thunder Bolt-- 534]

Could you please review my OC Nephthys Nightshade?

 

I do plan on drawing an original pic of her one of these days so I can transcend the limits of Pony Creator, so I'm particularly open to suggestions on her appearance and color scheme.  Thanks in advance!

[Inactive01 5,299]

 

Appearance: Like I said previously, I appreciate pictures. I'm a visual person when it comes to seeing characters, and I need to imagine the character at play. You can ask @Zhooves to draw your OC if you wish. Nonetheless, a mechanical OC is a nice change from other OCs. I can see lots of ways you can "develop" a mechanical robot. More on that later. Other than that, I don't have much to say. Still, if you need to use words to describe the image, then you need a lot more detail than what you have now. How large is the sphere? Can you provide exact dimensions of radius and volume? How large are his feet and hands compared to the rest of his body? That requires imagery and exposition. You are a writer. You can do it

            Score: Cannot give fair grade without picture. For now, 6/10

 

Backstory: Your OC has an interesting history... but some clarity is needed. First off, let us look at this first sentence: 

Program's robotic body, Gatasubal, was created for use in the Royal Guard, but was never used because it was too expensive to produce.

 

Ok, so the robotic body was created for use in the Royal Guard. What was its original intention? Why did the Royal Guard want to have such a contraption? Was there an external threat? Was it an improvement to security levels? Did somepony suggest making one just for the heck of it? Consider these questions and delve deeper. Maybe you can ask some questions of your own.

 

I find the fact a big evil boss stole the work just to act as his personal bodyguard a bit... anticlimactic. What if the evil boss had an even greater plan for the machine? And maybe... somehow... he escapes! He wants to see the world for himself instead of being cooped up in a building with his boss for so long! Just a thought. Nevertheless, the idea is still there and I like where you're going with it. Keep it up. 

           Score: 7/10

 

Personality: Ooh... a superiority complex from a machine. Not surprising, but I like that you've opted for this path of sarcasm and vitriol. It operates under logic. A vital weapon indeed for a robot having no morals. However... is there a way it can be given morals? Can a robot truly develop character and morality if given the right pieces of logic? There is so much room for philosophy with the mind of a robot. Delve into it. It can truly ask questions of "Who am I?" or "What are we as humanity? Mere robots or something more? What makes us different from a robot?" Good work. The above is something to consider for roleplaying or even a fanfic. 

          Score: 8/10

[Literally Snails 2,307]

 

Appearance: Like I said previously, I appreciate pictures. I'm a visual person when it comes to seeing characters, and I need to imagine the character at play. You can ask @Zhooves to draw your OC if you wish. Nonetheless, a mechanical OC is a nice change from other OCs. I can see lots of ways you can "develop" a mechanical robot. More on that later. Other than that, I don't have much to say. Still, if you need to use words to describe the image, then you need a lot more detail than what you have now. How large is the sphere? Can you provide exact dimensions of radius and volume? How large are his feet and hands compared to the rest of his body? That requires imagery and exposition. You are a writer. You can do it

            Score: Cannot give fair grade without picture. For now, 6/10

 

Backstory: Your OC has an interesting history... but some clarity is needed. First off, let us look at this first sentence: 

Program's robotic body, Gatasubal, was created for use in the Royal Guard, but was never used because it was too expensive to produce.

 

Ok, so the robotic body was created for use in the Royal Guard. What was its original intention? Why did the Royal Guard want to have such a contraption? Was there an external threat? Was it an improvement to security levels? Did somepony suggest making one just for the heck of it? Consider these questions and delve deeper. Maybe you can ask some questions of your own.

 

I find the fact a big evil boss stole the work just to act as his personal bodyguard a bit... anticlimactic. What if the evil boss had an even greater plan for the machine? And maybe... somehow... he escapes! He wants to see the world for himself instead of being cooped up in a building with his boss for so long! Just a thought. Nevertheless, the idea is still there and I like where you're going with it. Keep it up. 

           Score: 7/10

 

Personality: Ooh... a superiority complex from a machine. Not surprising, but I like that you've opted for this path of sarcasm and vitriol. It operates under logic. A vital weapon indeed for a robot having no morals. However... is there a way it can be given morals? Can a robot truly develop character and morality if given the right pieces of logic? There is so much room for philosophy with the mind of a robot. Delve into it. It can truly ask questions of "Who am I?" or "What are we as humanity? Mere robots or something more? What makes us different from a robot?" Good work. The above is something to consider for roleplaying or even a fanfic. 

          Score: 8/10

Thank you! I always wanted someone to say something about that OC, But did you like the speech changes (I and Me changed to It and This program)?

[Blue Moon 6,341]

@Blue Moon

Finally I get to you! Still have 4 outstanding reviews... I did NOT expect my services to garner THIS much popularity.

 

Appearance: A Blue Moon... The dark blue sky that represents the transition from Earth to space...  his frown and closed mouth represents his shyness and quiet disposition. A unicorn, one of intelligence. Represents your pony's intelligence towards the celestial beings. Seams well with your OC's personality and backstory, so I don't have many complaints. Colourations are also plain, but that fits your OC well. You do not need extravagant colours if your OC's nature does not merit it.

           Score: 9/10

 

Backstory: First off, if you're creative enough, ANY backstory can fit into a roleplay. If not, you can just forego the roleplay and wait for a roleplay that can fit. Don't place limits on yourself. In literature and fiction, you can go anywhere with enough creativity and connection. Now, for the backstory. His life seems perfectly normal. Great room for lots of disturbances. That's the thing. You want to provide your OC enough room for character development. In your case, you make it seem like your OC's troubles are already wiped away. It doesn't provide much for roleplaying experiences unless you indeed discarded it, which you indeed posed at the end of the profile. At the same time, you can very well go deeper... maybe... within the stability of life, there is an instability, a conflict... maybe... something happens between Blue and Spearmint. Maybe Spearmint has to leave them regularly because her job involves that sort of traveling. You never really go any deeper into Spearmint, so maybe you can pose a conflict there, but it's your choice.

 

For now, I'll just say that your OC's gonna live a very peaceful life that won't pose for much unless you snuck deeper and deeper into his past life. Maybe you can delve deeper into his past. Bullying issues? Bouts of addiction towards something that slows him down even in his passion towards astronomy? If you don't wish to go this dark, that's fine. You just need something where you can play around with your character more so that your backstory holds better.

           Score: 6.5/10

 

Personality: His cutie mark represents astronomy. Another departure away from the typical DJ OC. You know... people often say that DJ OCs are VERY cliche, but none of these reviews involve DJ OCs. A shout out to you all (including you Blue Moon)! You say he's wonderful at astronomy. What does astronomy need? It needs precision, perfection, and detail. You can say he has all that because of his talent in astronomy! You made a good start of that when you mention his obstinacy. That is a weakness of his! Great job! You gave him a perk! Keep it up! Think of more things! Is he a perfectionist? Does he always seek scientific answers to everything? Does he have a sense of faith? Or has his stable led him to a dull, thinking that everything works because of natural processes? Ooh... So much potential! Me like!

 

I like how you link a small moment of time with his shy and quiet disposition. One small criticism. He dreams of being Luna's assistant, but it never happens? Come on! Why not have find a roleplay that can let him fulfill his dream, even if a small internship?! Never close off doors based on your choices. Door should only be closed when the roleplay situation prevents it.

            Score: 7.5/10

 

Your personality and backstory sections should provide detail, which it does. However, what's missing is that you're closing doors for your OC to travel, when in a fictional world, anything can happen if it serves a good purpose/theme that you wish to develop. Why not help Blue 'Moon fulfill his dream of being Luna's assistant? It shows that dreams can come true (sounds cheesy, but that's still a possibility). 

First off; let me say that you are doing a fantastic job with all the reviews you've done so far. Your reviews have a lot of character to them, and are interesting to read. I should take notes on these reviews.

 

I guess I'll respond to things you said.

 

 

First off, if you're creative enough, ANY backstory can fit into a roleplay. If not, you can just forego the roleplay and wait for a roleplay that can fit. Don't place limits on yourself. In literature and fiction, you can go anywhere with enough creativity and connection. Now, for the backstory. His life seems perfectly normal. Great room for lots of disturbances. That's the thing. You want to provide your OC enough room for character development. In your case, you make it seem like your OC's troubles are already wiped away. It doesn't provide much for roleplaying experiences unless you indeed discarded it, which you indeed posed at the end of the profile. At the same time, you can very well go deeper... maybe... within the stability of life, there is an instability, a conflict... maybe... something happens between Blue and Spearmint. Maybe Spearmint has to leave them regularly because her job involves that sort of traveling. You never really go any deeper into Spearmint, so maybe you can pose a conflict there, but it's your choice.

To be honest; I actually don't roleplay that often, and when I do; they are pretty simple roleplays. So, I never really had a chance to implement character development. However, I understand what you mean, but I wanted his backstory to be kind of simple and plain, and make it as normal as possible. I like keeping realistic, and I just wanted to have him have a happy ending that can technically still go on with his life. So, I'll probably just leave this part as it is, but I may go back, and put more character development when he was younger since that's when he mostly started to change into the pony he is now. I appreciate your suggestions all the same though.

 

 

 

 

What does astronomy need? It needs precision, perfection, and detail. You can say he has all that because of his talent in astronomy!

That's actually a very good idea, and I was thinking of making him a bit of a perfectionist, but I never got around to it. That's definitely something I'll add to his page.

 

 

 

Does he always seek scientific answers to everything? Does he have a sense of faith?

Another good point, but this time; I can't think of anything for it. I guess I could put that he is prefers scientific evidence, but he can have faith in some things depending on what it is.

 

 

 

One small criticism. He dreams of being Luna's assistant, but it never happens? Come on! Why not have find a roleplay that can let him fulfill his dream, even if a small internship?! Never close off doors based on your choices. Door should only be closed when the roleplay situation prevents it.

 

I should probably explain this better on the page. But first off; I'm going to say this again; I would prefer that my character is realistic as possible. I like to keep things realistic in my mind. So, think of it this way: what are the chances of a normal pony that doesn't live in Canterlot to become Luna's personal assistant. He never had the chance to meet the princess in person, and he is a bit late to start being her assistant. Also, being Luna's assistant would be something that a lot of people would consider overpowered. But anyway, he still ends up being happy. His dream to be Luna's assistant was mostly around when he was younger, but as he grew older; he accepted that it probably would never happen. So, he lived life as a normal pony, and is perfectly happy having a family, and would choose that over being Luna's assistant any day. 

 

You make very good points in this review, but since I don't really use him for a roleplaying, and he is mostly there to represent me; I never put a lot of focus on how good he is as a roleplaying character. But thanks again for the amazing review; I look forward to seeing more from you.

Edited August 18, 2013 by Blue Moon

[Inactive01 5,299]

 

The speech changes impart a sense of withdrawing away from the personal world, characteristic of a robot. It adds to his "personality" as a robot. So yeah, it's a good addition.

 

@Blue Moon

These reviews are merely suggestions. I can see that you're striving for a realistic life based on how you type. So that's completely fine in that regard. But if you DO ever get into roleplaying, just remember what I wrote...

@EquestrianScholar

 

Appearance: My second consecutive astrologer. Nice colouration as usual. Has a colour template similar to Princess Luna because she works with the night sky. Completely acceptable; after all, the colours work so perfectly. The cutie mark correlates well with her ability to see into the future. The ever seeing Eye... Nice stuff. She looks pretty as well. Has a sense of... propriety and prim to her. And no wonder! She's from Trottingham! Not bad!

       Score: 10/10 because she looks pretty.

 

Backstory: You did a good job introducing adoption into the mix. At the same time, I love even more how you leave the parents' reasoning up in the air. Maybe it's linked to a roleplay! Who knows? You'll just have to read on! I like that. At first, I wondered why it was an old he chose for the adoption component, but the fact she had a small heart attack said it all. It helped your OC get her cutie mark! Nice suspense buildup in backstory. And when you got to the fact she had a deteriorating condition... it nearly left me in tears. This is a wonderful backstory. Great for imparting emotional intensity for your OC in your roleplays. If your roleplay doesn't end well, don't blame your OC because you've got a lot to work with! And oh my word... you developed her love story with Mythos more than you did the other way around! My word... you should do this for Mythos and you're set for him as well!

 

You've clearly put a lot of thought into this backstory. The best of all the ones I've read so far. It's a lot of content to develop your character for her story. Questions about Sourbloom's relatives... seeking revenge? Maybe. The love story with Mythos... Ooh that's bound to cause a lot of scars and wounds. And her parents... what of them? The mystery still remains...

       Score: 10/10

 

Personality: Good summary in her personality, and I also liked how you realized that the question of her parents remains unsolved for her. However, quirks... just one quirk? Can you think of one? Your character's already extremely original, but I do feel you can make that tiny push. Not necessary though, but it's something to think about. 

      Score: 9/10

Edited August 18, 2013 by Sterling Crimson